Giving Feedback To A Hardheaded Person

IN MY EXPERIENCE….

How do you give feedback to a hardheaded person? Giving tough talking feedback to a thick-skinned person puts your communication proficiencies to the test. It doesn’t matter if that person is a teen or a top executive or your life partner. Those communication roads can get pretty slippery. By using the Talk to Me© effective communication system, you CAN get your point across without getting off the track, being talked over, or shouted down. But it takes finesse, directive communication, a good communication map, and sticking to your plan without veering off the road or being deflected. It does take practiced skill, though, so you don’t walk away feeling, “Will I have to hit him with a 2×4 wooden plank to get this through his thick skull?”

TIPS FOR TALKS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE THICK SKULLS

You barely have to look critically at Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators to make them shake in their boots and change their ways. Not so with Instigator-type (I-type) communicators, who don’t give the time of day to people whom they don’t respect. As one I-typer told me, “I listen to upbeat people, not downbeat comments from people who are deadbeats.” Well, that’s a mouthful, sure enough! One I-type front-line manager recently wrote:

I decided to meet with Jack today to share my negative feedback with him. He’s not going to be happy about what I have to say. He’ll act like he’s never heard any of this before. Any dos or don’ts? I know you told me I will have to repeat my message as many as 5 – 7 times in the same conversation to get my points across. I agree Jack is stubborn as a mule; he always thinks he knows best…it’s always his way or the highway. I’ve clearly planned out what I’ve got to say. I know he’s going to be defensive. I don’t want to spend hours and hours in deep, candid discussion, and then wonder if I’ve wasted my breath or if my efforts have been productive. But it’s going to be a big relief to have Round 1 behind me.

“It’s my way or the highway!” is the call of the twisted talker and Cagey Communicator. Caring confrontation: Although with a hard headed person there will always be multiple rounds, you can win a few rounds which will prove decisive.

IN MY EXPERIENCE…GIVING CORRECTIVE FEEDBACK TO DEFENSIVE I-TYPES

Negative Instigator communicators respect strength and the ability to shoot straight at the talk-target bull’s-eye. Therefore, their honest “IN MY EXPERIENCE….” statements are frigidly factual and free of blame. What’s you edge? Your experience can’t be effectively debated or contradicted. You will be a “message machine” that sounds off a repeating core message, giving it an improved chance of reaching the threshold of understanding.

Real life examples of clear IN MY EXPERIENCE… language.

1. In my experience…you always act surprised, shocked, and offended when part of my job is to call you on things.

2. In my experience…it won’t fly that I don’t value you, pick on you, put you down, or don’t count you as a worthwhile. This isn’t just all about you.

3. In my experience…I have to repeat my main concerns many times to you and give plentiful examples, or you just try and blow me off.

4. In my experience…I try to be both diplomatic and candid with you. The results promised don’t happen. Meanwhile, much stress, time, energy, and grief are generated, and you impact everyone negatively. You don’t know that people around you fear retribution if they tell you what they think.

5. In my experience…you leave impressions all around you. Instead of listening with an open mind to complaints, you just fire back a list of your own and complain about how you aren’t getting enough help or recognition. What about that’s not true?

6. In my experience…you take credit for what you haven’t done. You talk up how great you are, which is a fatal flaw, because lies get back to people. You over-value your contributions and greedily expect to reap more. Why don’t you put as much energy into a project as others do? Do you even know how others feel about you?

7. In my experience…you get all in a huff when I disagree with your view, then you come back at me like a sledgehammer. What’s offensive about my disagreeing with you? How well are your ideas working? You have told some of these lies both in your head and out loud so many times that you believe them to be true.

8. In my experience…you go on and on about how you’re not appreciated enough…how you have it so hard…how no one listens to you or cooperates with the plan. But don’t you realize that when I’m steering the ship, you shouldn’t be barking out orders at me?

9. In my experience…you complain how you’re left out of the loop. But you have to earn things, not just expect things to be given to you. You weasel your way around issues. You talk on and on about how you’ve invested so much of you in whatever project happens to be at the forefront, and you really feel that you deserve respect. But respect is earned, not purchased like a fake diploma from the Internet.

10. In my experience…I don’t trust you. Sometimes, I have difficulty believing a single word that comes out of your mouth. People shouldn’t have to suck up to you. You resent me when I don’t kiss up to you, and you act unhappy to even know me. I reallly don’t care anymore.

11. In my experience…you get angry just to make people feel intimidated and back off when, in reality, they shouldn’t. You question everything and threaten strong-armed action if you don’t get your way. You always claim it’s about principal, but it all seems to be about you feathering your nest for your peace of mind.

12. In my experience…it’s always somebody else’s fault with you. I spend hours thinking about how I can communicate more effectively with you and actually get though to you. Others have a different impression of you than you think they do. I don’t think we can work this out. I have to do what I need to do. This isn’t working.

13. In my experience…you create all these ideas of who you are and all the wonderful things you’ve done. Trust is huge. I have very little trust in you. You lie and make revisionist history. You make claims and take credit for things you say you’ve accomplished, which you haven’t. You give people the impression that you’re the hero on the accident scene. You talk like you created everything good in the world.

ON THE HOT SEAT: DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME WITHOUT COMMUNICATION COACHING

Aren’t these real life examples of how to keep the “always right personality” on the hot seat for a change? I realize that the tone of the message is important. These YOU statements are restricted for use with hardheaded people, when everything else you’ve tried (like talking rationally) has failed. And Instigators will be the first to debate the point that they aren’t that hardheaded or aren’t that hardheaded that often.

TALKING TOUGH

Personally, I have difficulty repeating a message 5-7 times, because it feels disrespectful to the intelligence of my talk partner. But people do have cotton stuffed in their ears sometimes! I’ve learned that “staying on message” works if anything will. Why? Tough talking yet caring and confrontation transactions are designed to:

1. Interrupt debating

2. Disrupt the poor story line of the negatalker

3. Encourage the listener to internalize and comprehend the constructive necessary feedback

4. Interrupt the cycle of causing anxiety/anger/blasting others in defensive communication

5. Discourage the, “You should take care of me because you don’t know the trouble I’ve seen lately…!” negatalking

6. Stay focused on “IN MY EXPERIENCE” because that can’t really be argued

7. Disallow the ducking-out-of-taking-responsibility-by-taking-a-talk- sledgehammer-to-your-head strategy

Often the ITI has to take leave from the directive confrontation to think about what’s just transpired. You will be surprised, and perhaps pleased, at what will be adopted from your trustworthy words.

NEGATIVE FEEDBACK COMMUNICATION CLIFF NOTES

Here is the Cliff Notes version of lead-in phrases for selective transactions for Giving Corrective Negative Feedback to Instigator communicators …

1. My experience has been….

2. This isn’t working because….

3. Results haven’t been….

4. What I expect from you is….

5. You listen AND I’ll talk. Then you can respond, and I’ll LISTEN!

6. I can’t believe it. Are you going to deny it? Don’t lay that on me….We’ve had a failure to communicate constructively….

7. What you think is taking place hasn’t been the reality around here in my experience….

8. Frankly, I have trouble believing a word that comes out of your mouth now….

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is a relationship communications coach, corporate trainer and pioneer of the innovative Talk to Me© effective communication system, which streamlines communication that is productive and useful, inside your head, inside your company, and inside your relationships. Communication mistakes and accidents plague us all, but the Talk to Me© approach to good communication will help boost your mood, keep your energy up, and free yourself from the tar baby of negative relationships or emotions.

Corrective Feedback: A Hard Nut To Crack

GIVE FEEDBACK EVEN WHEN HURTS A TALK PARTNER’S FEELINGS?

Are you willing to tell someone what they don’t want to hear? Do you know how to carry on a decent conversation with a teen? Do you fear the pitfalls of giving honest constructive feedback? Most of us would agree that it’s not good to tell someone what they don’t want to hear…because they won’t listen…and they’ll hate your guts, along with harboring a bad attitude toward you. When you do give constructive feedback, have you noticed that you sometimes unintentionally hurt your talk partner’s feelings…especially if the person is pre-wired to be a sensitive (Empathizer-type) communicator, vs. an insensitive (Instigator-type) communicator? I ran into this issue of corrective feedback with my new teenage driver recently. It’s a hard nut to crack!

TEACHING A TEEN TO DRIVE ON THE TWO-WAY COMMUNICATOR HIGHWAY

The Driving Problem: I felt stunned when I spotted my teenage daughter on the road with one hand on the steering wheel and the other hand holding a cell phone up to her ear. That wasn’t the agreement! I was ready to let it rip to make my point.

Reactionary Knee-Jerk-Me-Jerk Feedback: I could have let loose and spewed from the Talk’s negative mode like this: “Hey, Erin, what were you thinking? That’s right! You weren’t thinking!! Did you think you could get away with this? Fat chance. Are you trying to get yourself killed? Young lady you’ve lost your driving privileges for a month.”

Whom Are You Talking To, By Type? Erin is a sensitive, Empathizer-type (E-type). If she were a thicker-skinned Instigator-type (I-type) communicator, I could have probably gotten away with dressing her down like that in private — but not in public. Why? Because I-types let the water of criticism run off their backs like the proverbial duck. However, Erin is an E-type communicator, and she might easily have written me off for a very long time…or for life! Why? E-types are very sensitive; like to be liked; fear disapproval or being harshly criticized; fear making mistakes or appearing foolish or stupid; tune in to the volume of the voice tone and amplify the negative words; take criticism to heart; replay criticisms in their mind so much they might have difficulty sleeping at night; criticize themselves for small mistakes; and, when, defensive, throw up a wall or emotionally shut down in depression. Erin is a sensitive E-type communicator…a little criticism goes a long way!

Who Are You To Talk? What if the speaker, Dad, or boss is an I-type? Well, if my style were to be a straight shooter…a problem-solver…a map maker and responsible change-agent…a tell-it-like-it-is type person when others are shying away from telling the truth — specifically, if I were an Instigator-type communicator, then I would be prone to switching talk lanes and saying something foolish that I would regret for a long time — such as, “You’re going to turn out to be a dizzy female driver who ends up in an expensive accident like so many women, if you keep this up young lady!” Not a good attitude for a young woman to adopt, I think. But wasn’t the deal no cell phones used while driving, due to safety issues?

TALKING TO ANYONE ABOUT ANYTHING

Why does all this matter in the Talk to Me© system? Knowing that Erin is a sensitive, Empathizer-type communicator, and that I was feeling like an insensitive, Instigator-type communicator, I chose to deliver my corrective feedback thusly:

(Standing in the garage) Erin, I am going to speak for one to two minutes and you are going to listen. This is about your driving. After I’m finished speaking, I will remain quiet while you talk to me for one to two minutes. There are to be no interruptions.

I know I must have been seeing things. I passed you driving on 48 and saw you with one hand on the steering wheel and one hand pressed up to your right ear. You were holding in your right hand what appeared to be your cell phone, and you appeared to be talking. It was about 3:30 P.M., and you would have been returning home from work. I know this couldn’t have actually taken place.

The intention of the rule of “no cell phone use” while driving is to make sure you concentrate on your driving. You are a new driver, and a very good driver. Statistics show that you have a good chance of getting into an accident when you’re not paying attention. Only having one hand on the steering wheel is not paying attention. I know you are a careful and responsible driver, and I know this must have been a mistake, one that you won’t repeat.

In terms of punishment, I am in my full rights as a parent to suspend your driving privileges for a week or longer. I am not going to do that. I figure you must have been excited to share your job news or whatever. But this won’t happen again, I just know it. I consider this conversation sufficient to get the result that we all want — that of you being a safe driver. Perhaps later I will allow cell phone use, but for now, pull over and park whenever you need to take or make a call.

In fact, I don’t care if the President…Pope…or your Papa calls, don’t answer it. Now I’ve used my time, and it’s time for you to talk.

TALKING…LISTENING…TALKING

Erin apologized for talking on her cell phone. She confirmed that she was talking on the phone to her mother who had called. Erin worried that perhaps it was an emergency. She didn’t feel dressed down by me, and I no longer felt upset and disappointed. My intention was to stress safety and clarify the rules one more time. The rest is up to her. I have great faith in my daughter. If I had suffered from a case of “mistaken identity,” — that Erin was a tough-minded Instigator communicator instead of the sensitive E-type — I would have talked real tough…perhaps even yelled at her…and I would have lost the battle, and perhaps the entire identity and psychological individuation war.

What can I say? Know who you’re talking to by type. Otherwise, you’re going to make people mad, who don’t need to be — and you’re going to fail to make people, who ought to be, uncomfortable.

WHO IS COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the founder of New Insights Communication, a Dayton company specializing in innovative and effective communication skills. Dennis is a relationship communication coach, corporate trainer, and author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone. Dr. O’Grady’s keynote speeches include Just Talk, Giving Feedback, Listen Up! and Effective Leadership Communication. He is both the proud father of a new teenage driver and the proud father of a new communication approach to talking with anyone about anything.

Your Communication Rights

AGREEING TO DISAGREE

What are your communication rights? Do you feel you deserve respect? And should respect be either earned or given as a result of your life experience level? The intent of good communication is to have open and positive communication among different ages, levels, and stations in life. But how do you do it, especially when you’re talking up or down the chain of communication command? The Talk to Me© system really helps you focus on grabbing the prize that comes with great communication skills.

I DESERVE RESPECT

“I deserve respect from you!” is often vocalized out of exasperation or frustration. But how do you respect the communication rights of a fellow speaker or co-communicator? What can I reasonably expect from you in the way of civility and respect? If I don’t respect you, should I expect you to respect me? If I disagree with you, are you going to ditch me or push me into a hole of misunderstanding? What if you’re a “level above” the communicator…like a parent of a teen or the boss of an employee? More emotion on top of emotion! But on-the-fly communication, when emotions run high, is where the communication action is nowadays!

YOUR COMMUNICATION RIGHTS…I DESERVE RESPECT

We all know that respect is both given and earned. Respect recognizes the wisdom of experience. But what if strong wills collide and a conflict or confrontation is brewing? What then? How do we show respect for a viewpoint with which we heartily disagree? Moreover, did you know that Empathizer and Instigator communicators have essentially opposite strategies for showing respect? It’s just like staring across the stunning panorama of the Grand Canyon…only to turn around to scan the view of a bunch of rocks and scraggly pine trees.

Here are your communication rights for respectful disagreeing….

1. I want respect.

2. I want my opinion to be worth something.

3. I want you to listen to me.

4. I want you to put positive effort into communicating effectively with me, because you want to.

5. I want my wisdom to be heard, considered, and utilized, if warranted.

6. I want to have a genuine and trusting experience with you, in which we can both be open and honest.

7. I want to you to consider my ideas and words, which could be constructive and useful.

8. I want to give myself (and you) credit for progressing and becoming better communicators.

9. I want our communication to be a two-way street, instead of a one-way dead-end alley.

10. I want what I have to say to mean something significant to you.

11. I want to be able to speak assertively while being an enlightened listener.

12. I want to be able to process negative or positive feedback without taking it too personally or too impersonally.

Respectful communication is built on a foundation of trust, fortified with an open exchange of ideas to benefit us all.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CONFLICT RESOLUTION STYLES OF EMPATHIZER AND INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATORS

Talking gets dicey when emotional expectations get dashed. When “Inflexible Expectations” rule the roost, or are in the drivers’ seats of our lives, we don’t feel the love, but the anger manifests itself in the conflict.

Differences in conflict resolution communication styles to note….

1. Empathizers (E-types) feel left out when respect isn’t recognized or understood. E-types will tend to retreat passively to a cave when feeling overlooked or disrespected.

2. Instigators (I-types) feel annoyed when respect isn’t perceived or received. I-types will tend to advance aggressively up the hill when they believe they’re disrespected.

Perhaps showing respect is more important for the person giving it than the one receiving, but it is always a two-way Street of Good Talk.

GO RESPECT YOURSELF

By genuinely including someone instead of excluding him or her, utilizing open and not closed lines of communication, creative relationships are produced instead of associations which are combative.

Do you need R-E-S-P-E-C-T? Yes, you need respect, most importantly from yourself. When you’re feeling emotionally disregarded, you need to give yourself an extra dose of respect. Dwelling on being disrespected by others isn’t good for the positive energy of anyone, and when the disrespect comes from within, positive energy cannot flow.

RESULTS OF RELATIONSHIP COMMUNICATION COACHING

Here’s what one of my relationship communication training clients told me:

We believe you now. It was such an eye-opener! You said I would feel better. You said I would find more peace as I talk with our teen and as we work things out. Now we get into open and honest impromptu talks at the kitchen table. I have grown so much using your Talk to Me© effective communication system.

There is so much less conflict and horrible emotional upset in our home, than was present before we started using the tools and strategies from TTM…and there is actually respect and trust in our relationship. I used to feel left out of the loop, but now I feel that respect is earned and given freely.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is the original researcher and developer of the Talk to Me© communication system, which streamlines communication to be productive and useful…inside your head and inside your relationships. The Talk to Me© approach to good communication will help boost your mood, keep your energy up, and free yourself from the tar baby of negative relationships or emotions.

HOPE IS HERE: WHAT ONE INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATOR HAD TO SAY ABOUT THE EASE OF LEARNING AND USING THE TALK TO ME SYSTEM

I have been reading for a while now and have already started to obtain useful information and comparisons from the system. One that caught me out of the gate is:

The Talk to Me© system is designed to improve your energy and motivation, and give you the stamina to achieve your goals, by talking sensibly to yourself instead of wallowing in the mud of self-imposed self-pity. You are the perfect talk road warrior! Get that junk in your trunk out of your head. Use the spiritual tools neatly tucked away in your glove box. Use your communicator map to get to where you need and want to go. Otherwise, you are going to be an energy drag to be around.

It is funny how I can reflect and see all the mistakes I have made in my communications with my wife. I only hope and pray she will be open-minded to give it a second chance as well.

The Propaganda Of Pessimism

DID YOU GRADUATE FROM PESSIMISM UNIVERSITY, OR PU?

What is the propaganda of pessimism? Or put more bluntly, how do you allow the subversive propaganda of pessimism to play around with your mind and your life? This distinct issue has far-reaching implications, especially for Empathizer-type (E-types) communicators whom I coach daily at New Insights Communication. E-types are prone to pessimism. E-types major in pessimism. E-types dig big holes and throw themselves in head-first when their moods take a nose dive. In contrast, Instigator communicators (I-types), who steel their minds to wield good works, are prone to excessive optimism. Too much of a good thing, even optimism, is not desirable! Simply put, pessimism and optimism are at the opposite ends of an energy-attitude spectrum or teeter-totter. Realism, the capacity to accept what you can’t change and motivate yourself to change what you can, is the balance of life energy for which many of us strive.

DID YOU GRADUATE FROM PESSIMISM UNIVERSITY, OR PU?

Did you graduate from Pessimism University, or PU? A young E-type communications client of mine told me a funny story of a Saturday Night Live skit that had to do with positive self-talk or using affirmations to feel more positive. The character would hold up a mirror to his face, and say, “I’m good enough! And gosh darn it…people like me!” The implied message is that the positive thinker is working too hard to feel good about himself. And why try anyhow? The character sounds like the comedian Ron White who says, “You can’t fix stupid!” But is pessimism energy what you allow so you can continue to feel bad about what you can change? Let’s find out.

THE SUBVERSIVE PROPAGANDA OF PESSIMISM

Jack is a 28-year-old single business guy. He is an E-type communicator and an introvert, so he is an Intuiter leader in the Talk to Me© effective communication system. Jack has come to me to learn steps to improve his confidence level. In order to accomplish that, we have to address his penchant for pessimism. Jack describes it as, “An angel on my right shoulder arguing with the little devil sitting on my left shoulder.” Great imagery, eh? Here’s the debate: Why try to be an optimist?

1. Why should I have to talk positively to myself?

Answer: You don’t have to talk positively to yourself. So why do it? Because that’s what all positive people do to manage their moods every day. There is a price tag of hard mental work involved, however. You don’t see this happening, so you may not be aware of the mental conversations these people are experiencing all day. Positive people correct their negative thoughts throughout their waking hours. For example, I correct my thinking a couple thousand times per day.

2. Why can’t I just know that I’m a confident person? Why must I work at it?

Answer: Why not put energy into disrupting your negative thinking? “No one is a naturally confident person,” you think. What if I could convince you that’s extremism (pessimism talking) that makes you mentally lazy and susceptible to give-up-itis? Looks can be deceiving; for example, when optimists work hard, they look like they’re hardly working. Yes, there is the factor of sporadic good luck. But you also make good luck happen for you by working hard.

3. I don’t want to have to look in the mirror like a SNL skit, and say: “I’m good enough, and gosh darn it…people like me!”

Answer: That person at whom you’re laughing is trying to be more positive…though not very successfully…and do something that might work to boost positive feelings. You think people look at you with judgmental eyes. Not comfortable! Wouldn’t you prefer to feel unconditionally confident, genuinely liking yourself as you improve your communication skills a little every day? What would it take for you to “see” the eyes of others plastered on you because of all the good things you do? Example: You’re being looked at because you’re special…you’re a somebody, someone who is effective, ethical, working hard to get things done before deadline.

4. I still feel like a big old dark cloud is over my head.

Answer: You have to be a strong person if you are a graduate of Pessimism University. It’s far easier to be an optimist. You can’t think the worst and get the best out of life, nor can you pull miracles from your hat.

5. I feel like I’m in a black hole and there’s nowhere to go.

Answer: The dark energy of pessimism wants you to be alone. Your mind is easier to manipulate that way. Pessimism wants you to be skeptical of positive people. When you look a gift horse in the mouth and pull out all its teeth, your pessimism is jailing you. It wants to separate you from the positive flock or fold, making it easier to shoot you down. Pessimism is like a wolf on the hunt. You’re smarter than to fall for something like that, aren’t you?

6. I see pockets of light but I don’t go there.

Answer: Kids love life and have fun, until trauma strikes — but kids do care what people think of them. Many of us transform when we turn 13 or so…we have “problems”…and the kid in us ceases to exist. Empathizers take these things personally, so they start thinking: the Self is Pessimist. The Self of most Empathizers is normally optimistic. And why shouldn’t it be? It’s the era of the E-type leader! You have become super-strong so you can deal with all this stinking, pessimism thinking. You might want to consider letting the kid in you take over every once in a while…love life again and have fun!

7. “No, I don’t want to do that!” or “I can’t make up my mind!” is my block.

Answer: Pessimism wants you to doubt…doubt yourself and doubt your decisions…doubt that good guys and gals finish first (which we do.) Do you feel like you’ve dug a deep hole for yourself? You can stop yourself before you jump in! You are not controlled by alien forces. The little devil on your shoulder didn’t make you do it. Play the “angel’s advocate” for a change! You are not your pessimism…you are not consumed by pessimism. It’s nothing personal, but you have no business hanging out so much with Pessimism, who is such a negative companion.

8. I’m so frustrated…how long will the good things of which you speak last?

Answer: Pessimism doesn’t want you to enjoy tiny successes. Tiny successes grow into small successes that quickly expand into large successes. Stop to smell the roses? Hey, start to smell the sweet victory of your tiny successes! Do you count your beatings instead of your blessings? Why? Pessimists count their beatings; optimists count their blessings. You are an optimist by spirit and by nature! You are not the pessimism energy of doom-and-gloom. You are engaging in pessimism, however, and if you are engrossed in pessimism for 99% of the day, you’ll get confused and believe that you’re a pessimist who can’t change.

9. You’re just being nice to me and telling me what I want to hear.

Answer: Pessimism told you to say that, didn’t it? Pessimism wants you to pull the curtains, grab a bottle of wine or six pack, lock the door to your home or apartment, and get so intoxicated that you can’t think straight. Then pessimism will tell you that only IT can be trusted. The lie is so vast and so extreme that your mind will be prone to believe it. IT is your drinking pal…you can bet your next pile of vomit on it. You can be contented with yourself, if you allow yourself to genuinely enjoy one small slice of happiness now.

10. I feel noticeably different from so many people.

Answer: Not to worry. I-types are ME-first types, and for good reason. I want you to be more hard-headed, like an Instigator communicator. How you think of yourself defines who you are and how you feel. You are different from I-types. You want to be aware of your emotions while using them to your advantage. You want to be a realist…and an optimist…and occasionally a pessimist. You can fake it to make it under some circumstances, but you want to be the real deal in business, too.

PESSIMISM IS THE ULTIMATE FAKERY

You think pessimism is being real, not fake or phony like all those goody-two-shoe optimists who paint a black day sunshine yellow with their paintbrushes? Yo! Wake up! Pessimism is the ultimate fakery! Pessimism is a bold-faced liar. Pessimism will have you believe anything and everything else is fakery, drudgery, or foolery, impossible tasks for a person such as yourself. Pessimism, I repeat, is a bold-faced liar. The Talk to Me© system will teach you how to be responsive instead of reactive…how to work with your emotions optimistically…how to plant trees instead of using the shovel to dig a big hole in which to jump. You will stop beating yourself senseless with the shovel and wondering why your motivation is depressed. Geez, I wonder why!

ABOUT TALK-HARD PESSIMIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, B.O.N.K.A.

Dennis E. O’Grady has a B.S. degree (Bull _hit degree) from Pessimism University, also known as PU, where he received a 4.5 (out of 4) G.P.A. in his Bad Attitudes studies. Dennis went on to receive his E.S. degree (Elephant _hit degree) from PU, in the Psychology of Digging Holes So Big You Can Fly Planes Into Them. After jumping into many holes of his own digging, as well as some dug by others, Dr. O’Grady received his B.O.N.K.A (Being Optimistic Never Killed Anybody) degree from the Wright State University School of Professional Psychology. Ralph Real (also an alumnus of P.U.), in his Pessimism Street Journal review of Dr. O’Grady’s third book, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, gave the book a thumbs and toes down, while sticking his nose up in the air. Real went on to say: It’s a stupid book. Just another ‘fake it until you make it’ treatise on why it’s better to feel bad than good. The author seeks to line his pockets at the expense of big newspapers like this one. This is just another example of why you can’t fix stupid. So if you’re smart…you’ll think like me…Ralph Real. O’Grady had only one thing to say in rebuttal: Being Optimistic Never Killed Anybody!

You Never Talk To Me!

WHY DON’T YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?

“You never talk to me!” violates three rules of good communication while you’re driving on Talk Highway, causing a fender bender and your communicator car to skid into a ditch, or far worse. First, “You never talk to me….” actually delivers a hidden, blaming command to stop talking. Second, it bows to “You never….” or “You always…. ” extremism that casts stones of personal blame and beats up your talk partner. Third, it violates The Golden Rule of Good Talk, “You should never use the word YOU in close-up, personal communication, if you want to get great results.” Hard to do when talkers are tired and it’s late and you’ve been driving all day and all the hotels and motels are booked tight on Talk Highway and you just locked your keys in the trunk. Why, this Talk Master Instructor should know!

CAN EMPATHIZERS REALLY TALK RATIONALLY TO INSTIGATORS?

We all can do a better job at bettering our communication styles by walking in the shoes of our opposite communicator style. Staying centered and calm, and talking rationally about intense emotions, without blaming a talk partner, is possible if you are using the Talk to Me© effective communication system.

Lucky 13 E-type emotion-driven criticisms of I-types driving habits on Talk Highways:

1. YOU NEVER TALK TO ME

Instigator View: She’s right in many ways. When I get home I tend to be quiet. I put in long work days. When I get home, the last thing on my mind is to take on a controversial or serious topic.

2. WHY DON’T YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?

Instigator View: I have a thousand things floating through my head. Setting aside what I still have to do for work, and turning my total attention to her, is difficult. I don’t usually tell people when I’m tired or hurting.

3. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL

Instigator View: Sometimes I do understand how she feels and sometimes I don’t. It depends on what we’re discussing. She’s so emotional it’s hard to sort what’s more or less important.

4. YOU HURT MY FEELINGS

Instigator View: I don’t intend to, but I often blurt something out that hurts a person’s feelings. As a boss, I can say: “We can talk about that topic next week, but let’s stay on task today.” But my wife doesn’t appreciate being told that.

5. YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME

Instigator View: I struggle with that one, because I hear what she’s saying, and I think I’m a good listener. When I don’t agree with her, does she think I’m not listening to her?

6. YOU NEVER TELL ME HOW YOU’RE FEELING

Instigator View: That makes me crazy. She tries to tell me how I’m feeling or what I should do or how I should think.

7. YOU DON’T OPEN UP TO ANYBODY

Instigator View: Many times she doesn’t know how I’m feeling, because I’ve already shut down the conversation in my mind, due to finger-pointing blame gaming.

8. YOU’RE ALOOF

Instigator View: It is what it is. She’s entitled to her opinion. What she doesn’t understand is that too many people are picking at me, and I’ve got no time left.

9. YOU SHUT ME OUT

Instigator View: If you’re not forthcoming, people think you’re not telling them everything, in the minutest detail. I say, “You’ve killed that topic so let’s move on.”

10. YOU DON’T COMMIT

Instigator View: I ‘m not quick to show my poker hand. That is viewed as being hard-headed. I think I’m a pretty sensitive and sympathetic person. I just don’t express it very well.

11. WHY CAN’T YOU TALK STRAIGHT?

Instigator View: She’s so focused on her emotions, she misses my point. She struggles with my communication style.

12. PEOPLE SEE YOU AS COLD AND CALCULATING

Instigator View: There are times I agree with that, because it does hurt other people. I don’t like my feelings hurt, I really don’t, but you’re taught in business to leave your emotions out of it.

13. YOU’RE ARGUMENTATIVE

Instigator View: It is what it is. She’s entitled to her opinion. What she doesn’t understand is that I’ve got no extra time on my hands, and my brain begins to shut down the longer communication drags on.

Can Instigators learn to talk more emotionally? Of course. Once we learn to walk a mile in the shoes of our opposite communicator type.

DO YOU KNOW THE COMMUNICATOR TYPE OF YOUR TALK PARTNER?

Common advice to couples in counseling is to, “…tell your talk partner how you feel,” by using, “I feel….” declarative statements. But does this approach work? Sometimes, but now and again they backfire. Why? Because of the intensely fast moving, “I feel you’re always being….!” To the ears of Instigator listeners, Empathizer (or Instigator?) discourse often sounds like accusations. Net result? The Instigator listener — male or female — will shut down. More negative talk ensues, sending us all down dead end alleys. Future talk problems are guaranteed.

DO YOU WANT PROOF OF THE LIGHT BULB TURNED ON BENEFIT OF THE TALK TO ME© COMMUNICATION SYSTEM?

I have internalized the key strategies of the TALK TO ME© system, and I utilize those communication approaches in every personal interaction throughout the day. I no longer worry about what other people think of me, nor do I overanalyze what I think they may be saying or thinking. Because I’m not caught up in this pattern, I am able to make the correct decisions for myself at work and in my personal relationships. I am now more in tune with the person I am and what my requirements for success and fulfillment are.

M. M. C.
Human Resources Manager

ABOUT DAYTON COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

As the innovator of the Talk to Me© effective communication system, Dr. Dennis O’Grady’s approach to good communication produces results that will astonish you, just when you thought all hope was lost. Dennis also provides business keynotes, corporate training, and relationship communications coaching, in enjoyably interactive, “real life” training formats.