Just Talk: Building Trust Through Positive And Effective Communication

Why can’t we just talk anymore, like we used to do in the olden days? Well, it seems today we might want to communicate more positively and effectively at work and at home. Just ask WellPoint, one of our nation’s largest insurers. According to Julie Appleby’s article in the 10/22/07 issue of USA TODAY, WellPoint-associated doctors will be rated, by their patients, on what it all boils down to is — communication. Poor communication can kill trust and kill the patient. Zagat Survey has been chosen by WellPoint to administer and analyze the customer satisfaction audits.

FACTORS OF GOOD COMMUNICATION

Why Zagat? Zagat has become known as the expert in their field, putting out a burgundy-colored restaurant-going guide that ranks eateries on food, decor, service and cost, to help guide our choices. WellPoint wants to know how well their doctors are doing on the communication chart, so they’ve secured the assistance of the master. In your mind, what makes up the art of good talk? Making time to talk? Using positive non-verbals like smiling or shaking hands? Giving critical information in a positive way? All of these are factors in good doctor-patient or manager-employee communications. Zagat’s rating guide will consider trust, communication, availability, and office environment, on a 30-point scale…with the added dimension of comments from patients. Here are the factors of positive and effective communication to be measured and my take on the top two:

1. TRUST (EFFECTIVE vs. INEFFECTIVE TALKS)

2. COMMUNICATION (RESPONSIVE vs. REACTIVE TALKS)

3. AVAILABILITY (OPEN vs. CLOSED PROBLEM-SOLVING DISCUSSIONS)

4. ENVIRONMENT (POSITIVE vs. NEGATIVE COMMUNICATION CLIMATE)

Making us all feel like jerks, knee-jerk communication is a leading cause of miscommunication, causing hard feelings. These resentments cause low ratings, helping to make a point. But how do we walk the talk of good communication? How do we make positive and effective communication more natural in fast-moving and stressful office environments?

JUST TALK: BUILDING TRUST THROUGH POSITIVE AND EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

MOTOMAN, Inc. President Craig Jennings is ahead of the communication game. He intends to build trust and good communication from the top, through all levels of his organization, and no one is going to stop him. MOTOMAN, Inc. Vice-President of Human Resources and Facilities, Mike Gabbard also knows that good talk isn’t cheap but priceless…as we put our minds together to promote good talk. Mr. Gabbard taught me that trying to talk across different levels of the organization, to opposing communicator types, is fraught with difficulties and speed bumps or slick oil patches that can spin off our communicator cars right off Talk Highway.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS ARE TAUGHT, NOT BOUGHT

That’s why, at MOTOMAN, Inc., we’re all working together to improve communication at all levels of the company, beginning at the top! In fact, I’ve just finished the communication training manual, Just Talk: Building Trust Through Positive and Effective Communication, for this Yaskawa company. It’s a communication trip we won’t soon forget. Here’s what we’re doing at MOTOMAN to make all of us better communicators, by using the innovative Talk to Me© effective communication education system:

1. Employees and managers will learn the important skill of typecasting, or how to know the communication type of your talk partner — and yourself.

2. Employees and managers will learn to use confirming talk in difficult situations by using The Clarifying Talk Tool.

3. Employees and managers will feel prepared and enabled to give and receive corrective feedback.

4. Employees and managers will markedly improve their listening skills.

5. Employees and managers will become responsive — vs. reactive — communicators by using The Communication Matrix.

6. Employees and managers will communicate more effectively in ways that build trust, clarify difficult issues, and avoid costly communication mistakes.

7. Employees and managers will use the Talk to Me© communication tools that work at all levels of the organization, creating a positive work atmosphere.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is the founder of New Insights Communication, a relationship communications coaching and corporate training company located in Dayton, Ohio. Dennis holds a B.A. degree from Michigan State University, a M.A. degree in College Counseling from Michigan State University, and The Doctorate of Psychology degree from Wright State University School of Professional Psychology. Dr. O’Grady is the president-elect of the Dayton Psychological Association. His latest book, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, is available at Amazon and drogrady.com. You can talk with Dr. O’Grady today by calling (937) 428-0724.

Prejudices: Empathizer vs. Instigator Communicators

I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU

Are you prejudiced for or against the Empathizer or Instigator communicator style? Of course you are. As I continue to utilize the Talk to Me© effective communication system in corporate training and relationship communication coaching programs, I repeatedly find that once clients or trainees know their types, they realize that they have a bone to pick with their opposite types. In fact, I’ve run directly into a wall of prejudices each type has of the other. It appears that if we don’t like how we’re being conversed with and treated, we pull a sophisticated blame move I affectionately call Psychoanalytical Critiquing. That’s practicing psychology without a license!

PSYCHOANALYTICAL CRITIQUES, EMPATHIZER VS. INSTIGATOR STYLE

Blame the other person for a miscommunication? Not on your watch, so you say. But here is a litany of criticisms, fair or unfair, fact or fancy, that need to be faced (not feared) by every positive communicator who intends to unblock backups caused by accidents on Talk Highway:

CRITIQUE OF E-TYPES BY I-TYPES — CRITIQUE OF I-TYPES BY E-TYPES

The I-type thinks — You are too sensitive.

The E-type assumes — You are too insensitive.

The I-type thinks — You are too generous.

The E-type assumes — You are too selfish.

The I-type thinks — You are too passive.

The E-type assumes — You are too aggressive.

The I-type thinks — You are too co-dependent.

The E-type assumes — You are too independent.

The I-type thinks — You are too conforming.

The E-type assumes — You are too rebellious.

The I-type thinks — You worry too much.

The E-type assumes — You don’t worry about anything.

The I-type thinks — You are too frigid.

The E-type assumes — You are too free with your sexuality.

The I-type thinks –You are too depressed.

The E-type assumes — You are too hyper-optimistic.

The I-type thinks — You don’t take very good care of yourself.

The E-type assumes — You only take care of yourself.

The I-type thinks — You talk too much.

The E-type assumes — You never put your ideas on the table.

The I-type thinks — You are too laid back.

The E-type assumes — You are too driven.

The I-type thinks — You are too easy-going.

The E-type assumes — You are too critical.

The I-type thinks — You are too prudent.

The E-type assumes — You are too impudent.

The I-type thinks — You are a perfectionist.

The E-type assumes — You are a workaholic.

The I-type thinks — You are too wishy-washy.

The E-type assumes — You are stubborn as a mule.

The I-type thinks — You are too emotionally needy.

The E-type assumes — You don’t need anybody.

The I-type thinks — You are too downheartened.

The E-type assumes — You don’t feel anything.

I-types think — You are too demanding.

E-types assume — You don’t care.

I-types think — You pout like a big baby.

E-types assume — You don’t get mad, you get even.

I-types think — You can’t stand going it alone.

E-types assume — You are a loner.

I-types think — You are as dumb as a rock.

E-types assume — You are too smart for your own good.

I-types think — You get along with everyone.

E-types assume — You can’t get along with anyone who disagrees with you.

I-types think — You don’t know what you want.

E-types assume — You only think about your own wants.

I-types think — You can’t ever be satisfied.

E-types assume — You ought to be satisfied with what you’ve got.

I-types think — You can’t let go of fear and relax.

E-types assume — You’re mad and grumpy too much of the time.

I-types think — You beat up on yourself.

E-types assume — You don’t listen to corrective feedback.

I-types think — You shut down when you’re hurt.

E-types assume — You can’t think straight and talk crooked when you’re mad.

I-types think — You’re too good for your own good.

E-types assume — You think I’m bad when you’re mad.

I types think — You’re drug down by guilt.

E-types assume — You don’t feel guilty enough.

I-types think — You don’t let anything go.

E-types assume — You want to get past the past or throw in the towel.

I-types think — You’re too patient.

E-types assume — You’re too impatient.

I-types think — You’re afraid of success.

E-types assume — You’re afraid of failure.

I-types think — You’re a martyr who suffers.

E-types assume — You’re a persecutor who makes others suffer.

I-types think — You’re afraid of conflict.

E-types assume — You love conflict.

I-types think — You think God is a killjoy.

E-types assume — You think joy is God.

I-types think — You can’t stand being happy.

E-types assume — You can’t buy happiness.

CONNECT THE DOTS BETWEEN YOUR HEAD AND YOUR HEART

Use this list (which can be found on pp.189-192, Talk to Me) before you decide to confront someone by launching a criticism or hurling an insult. You must prepare before you go to the Communicator Table. Remember, the traits above which are in normal type are criticisms often levied at Empathizers during a heated discussion. The traits in italicized type are frequent E-type criticisms of Instigators. Just because your talk partner makes these remarks doesn’t make them true. Only wear the shoe if it fits!

THE COMMUNICATOR TABLE:  PREPARE … CLARIFY … CONFIRM … LISTEN UP!

Why must you prepare in advance of an important conversation? Practicing new talk strategies in several scenarios that might come up during the conversation will make you more confident and able to dodge potholes in the Talk Highway. When you feel fearful or frustrated, there are increased chances that you will become a reactive and inaccurate communicator. And if you react too much, you are going to need psychoanalysis, because your talk partners will call 911 and tell the responders that you’re talking gibberish and incoherently. It’s hard to talk with others when your foot is in your mouth!

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is the founder of New Insights Communication, a relationship communications coaching and corporate training company located in Dayton, Ohio. Dennis holds a B.A. degree from Michigan State University, an M.A. degree in College Counseling from Michigan State University, and The Doctorate of Psychology degree from Wright State University School of Professional Psychology. Dr. O’Grady is the president-elect of the Dayton Psychological Association. His latest book is Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, available at Amazon and drogrady.com. You can talk to Dr. O’Grady today by calling (937) 428-0724.

Can You Walk In The Talk Shoes Of An Instigator Communicator?

IF THE SHOE FITS

Can you walk in the talk shoes of an Instigator (I-type) communicator who is known to have thick skin? What if you’re a thin-skinned, Empathizer (E-type) communicator? How are you supposed to keep your feelings in check around The Logical One?

Now, if you are an E-type, chances are you’ve inadvertently run headlong into a talk collision — or three — with an Instigator communicator at some point. It’s not your fault! As an Empathizer, you probably have concluded that I-types are “high task (vs. touch) and coldly logical.” But that’s not enough information to map out your next communication move on the congested and fast-moving two-way communicator highway. So, what are you supposed to do when you’re traveling with an insensitive communicator passenger or driver?

CHANGING THE FLAT TIRE OF BAD COMMUNICATION, INSTIGATOR STYLE

Here then are a few key summary points about how Instigator-type communicators (p. 148-149, Talk to Me) drive and operate quite differently from E-types, on the two-way communicator highway…in the lanes of Beliefs and Behaviors.

Instigator-type communicators:

  • Are intimidated by the E-types’ relationship skills
  • Value protecting loved ones, country, company
  • By nature, are big thinkers who don’t mind disagreeing
  • Dislike hurting others but are too insensitive to the others’ feelings
  • Will push their points of view, and push back effectively
  • Enjoy talking confidently and persuasively
  • Act like they don’t fear corrective criticisms
  • Give themselves huge challenges on regular basis
  • Have the attitude of, “It’s only business, it’s nothing personal!” to keep resentment in check
  • Are fired up by unfair criticism as in, “Well, I’ll show you….”
  • See compliments as unnecessary, perhaps insincere, and demotivational
  • Drive the mood of the office or household, for better or worse
  • Are comfortable being in the middle of the action but can feel weary
  • Are progress- and change-centered, and they tend to be a smart workers
  • Are achievement-centered throughout life
  • Are impatient if results don’t come quickly enough for them
  • Find that, when their energy is down, driving performance speeds up
  • Are bored by soft voices, drooping postures or facial signs of disinterest
  • Will stick to repeating logical points when emotions run high
  • Prone to excessive self-esteem but can feel insecure
  • When distressed, can’t bite their tongues and will say something stupid
  • Will be stubborn like a mule when they should sit back and listen up
  • Are doers to a fault and have trouble being in a relaxing pose
  • Use a this-is-now approach: “Since I apologized for my mistake, let’s move on and get on down the road!”
  • Can’t see how only talking about the “elephant in the room” helps clean up the piles of dung or mess left
  • Are cool under pressure…putting out fires…but they may stir the pot
  • Rely on the mind and intellectual powers as prime driving forces

A NATURAL BORN LEADER

If you are an I-type, then you are a natural-born leader, willing and able to take charge any time. You understand that your words say as much as your actions do.

JUST TALK: BUILDING TRUST THROUGH POSITIVE AND EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Are you able to walk in the shoes of your opposite communicator type? Please don’t tell me you can’t explain at least three of the crucial differences between Empathizer-type (E-type) and Instigator-type (I-type) communicators by NOW. The benefit to you of knowing these differences — or how opposite talk types attract and repel — is far greater communicator effectiveness and fewer misunderstandings. Just you check it out for yourself and see!

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., provides workshops and coaching on Effective Leadership Communication using the results-driven Talk to Me© innovative communication system. Dennis is also a relationship communications psychologist and corporate trainer from Dayton, Ohio. Dennis’s 2005 Dayton Leadership Study tested a sample group of 32 “proven, effective, and ethical leaders” who are responsible for running companies which account for over half of the jobs in the Dayton region. Dr. O’Grady’s findings are in his latest book, Talk To Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, which aims to better communication across all levels. Consult with Dr. O’Grady by calling (937) 428-0724.

Open-Minded Listening Tips

INTERACTIVE LISTENING

Did you know that 70-75% of good communication involves being an interactive listener? But do you really understand the talk preferences of your co-communicator? As a communications psychologist, I’ve been paid to listen for 30+ years, and I haven’t begun to scratch the surface of the science of effective listening. That being said, here are a few general strategies to help you listen with the combined strengths of Empathizer-type and Instigator-type communicators…

1. BE CALM

Listening Tip: Think — “I’m going to turn my full attention to the speaker now and tune out everything else that’s begging for my consideration.”

2. FOCUS

Listening Tip: Think — “I can do this listening-with-all-ears-open thing by tuning in only to the message of the speaker and by actively listening to what’s being said.”

3. DON’T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS

Listening Tip: Think — “Here I go again, thinking that the speaker doesn’t know what he or she is talking about. Enough of the Doubting Thomas stuff. Focus in and listen up!”

4. GO EASY

Listening Tip: Think — “O.K. Easy does it. Now is not the time to be the harried rabbit, running for all you’re worth to win the race. Slow is better…slow down you mind and listen up! You’re doing pretty darned good so far.”

5. ENCOURAGE POSITIVE TALK

Listening Tip: Think — “My listening skills are improving a little every day in every way. Take a deep breath and relax! This might be a good time to summarize and repeat what I think I heard the speaker say. Ready?!”

6. CHECK IT OUT

Listening Tip: Think — “It takes courage to verify what someone else is saying, especially when emotions are running high and the speaker isn’t happy. Way to go!”

7. BACK PAT

Listening Tip: Think — “O.K. Being a good listener automatically puts me in the spotlight, as I work hard to satisfy my customers and determine how I can progressively better serve them…important customers which include first, myself; secondly, with whomever I’m speaking; and thirdly, my spouse and children, who need to sound off sometimes. Keep up the good work of listening dude!”

SOUND OFF

Although Empathizer and Instigator communicators listen quite differently, the listening tips above work for both types of communicators. Since E-type speakers aren’t used to being heard–be prepared when you listen up! And since I-type speakers aren’t used to being in the passenger’s seat when communicating–be prepared to relax and take it easy once in a while. Relaxing, opening your mind, and going easy is what effective listening is all about.

ABOUT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional development training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is a leadership training workbook and is available in the resource store at his Web site www.drogrady.com. In this inspiring new communication approach, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Chances are the person you struggle with the most, and whom you think of as a “difficult person,” is in fact your opposite communicator who is comfortable with what you are uncomfortable with. You can receive a free communicator type feedback report by clicking on the link “What’s Your Communicator Type.”

How Do You Criticize A Sensitive Person?

DON’T POP THE SELF-ESTEEM BALLOON OF YOUR PARTNER

How do you criticize a sensitive person? The same way you snuggle up close to a porcupine…very carefully! In fact, constructive criticism needles the sensitive person to death. By nature, half of us are sensitive souls, or Empathizer (E-type) communicators. The other half of us are tough charging Instigator (I-type) communicators, who have very thick skins so needles don’t penetrate very far. For both communicator types, even well-intentioned negative feedback can pop the self-esteem balloon of our talk partner…and the resulting bang of a deflating ego will startle everyone in ear shot and across the state.

HOW DO YOU CRITICIZE SENSITIVE PEOPLE WITHOUT HURTING THEIR FEELINGS?

What to do if you have to quickly correct the behavior of the sensitive person?

1. APPROACH USING YOUR AWARD-WINNING 10 SECOND SMILE. In your interpersonal relationships, you are a powerful producer of positive results. People like to love you, and people love to like you! Right? So put your whole attention into a sincere smile that visually hugs your talk partner person. Now, don’t you buck me by saying, “Dennis, when you get old, you lose your hearing and your vision!”

2. BE TONE DEFT. Use a calm adult voice that is neutral and factual. Be tone deft, which means don’t use a critical parent voice that makes the listener turn the selective hearing on and become message deaf! The tone of your voice announces to the listener whether or not you’re angrily disapproving or blaming the person vs. blaming the problem. Use a soothing, even tone of voice, filled with positive expectations and trust, which tell your talk partner that your message is decent and fair.

3. ALWAYS USE YOUR TALK PARTNER’S FIRST NAME. I know you realize that you attract more flies with honey than vinegar. It’s not what was logically said or intended that matters, but what your talk partner emotionally hears and believes about your intentions. Perception is everything! Emotional communication is always dicey, especially when the communication level of one talk partner is higher or lower than the other.

4. “IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL BECAUSE IT’S ONLY BUSINESS” IS ALWAYS PERSONAL. Simply put, even in business, critical feedback is experienced or felt as very personal. That’s why giving feedback is feared, and helpful feedback is often withheld. Worse yet, too often hidden in tasty morsels of constructive criticism are sharp shards of broken glass. The message heard: “Because you didn’t do this right, you’re not a very good person!” No, you shouldn’t try to sweeten the person up to shove some bad tasting medicine down his or her gullet, either.

5. NEVER, EVER, EVER CRITICIZE IN PUBLIC. You can correct negative behavior in public if you are the group leader, but whenever you rebuke or correct someone in public, it’s VERY risky business. When a talk partner loses face, your good intentions to help out can explode in your face and permanently blow up the relationship bridge.

6. ONLY DELIVER ONE CRITICISM AT A TIME. Start off with what’s working well, instead of dipping into a well of poisoned water. Reading the riot act or loudly bellowing out a long laundry list of complaints doesn’t work, either. But you already knew that…. Did I say you should stick to delivering one criticism? Yes, just one, because one criticism is hard enough to swallow!

7. TO PRAISE OR NOT TO PRAISE? Should you praise abundantly or sparingly? Well, it depends. Praise those who need it the most, typically your Empathizer or E-type team players…especially those who are the workhorses of your organization…and the front runners, often your Instigator or I-type leaders, who run on their own batteries, can be rewarded in tangible ways, perhaps with bonuses and other prizes of merit. Caveat: Some players feign being hurt to avoid the delivery of corrective feedback.

8. WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO TELL A PERSON EXACTLY WHAT TO DO? Well, why not? Be specific about the right way to do the task…ALWAYS. A clear goal or stated expectation of the intended or appreciated response behavior should also be personally demonstrated by work or family leaders.

9. SHOULD YOU SIT DOWN WITH THE PERSON AND TRY TO TALK? You find out what motivates a person through personal meetings when there isn’t a problem to discuss. But I don’t have time for hand holding, you say?! You don’t have time not to meet with a person in private meetings to get to know him or her. Personal meetings allow you to get the “feel” and “target focus” of where the person is heading. Your time is priceless and sends the message, “You’re an important person in my world.” You can’t build trust in a situation that is coerced or rushed.

10. SHOULD I CRITICIZE A PATTERN OF REPEATED FAILURES? Yes, but with careful planning. Corporate executive teams are just as mystified as the rest of us about how to give corrective feedback that doesn’t sting or start an ego war. Of course, repeated failures will disrupt a functioning team and turn it into a dysfunctional team. Corrective feedback of the neutral style, “Do this because it will work to better achieve your goal!” focuses on teaching the correct skill to be adopted. Too much is at stake for repeated failure, by anyone.

CRITICISM FEELS PERSONAL

I know you don’t intend to criticize the person of the person. And I know people shouldn’t take the helpful things you’re saying so personally. But they do. Do you walk your talk, or is your talk a one-way street? The distinction of “helpful feedback” is often lost to all when a talk partner gets all honked off and blames you for being insensitive and not caring enough to understand how to drive sanely on the two-way communicator highway.

IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL…IT’S ONLY BUSINESS

Let’s summarize your new talk tactics:

  • Know who you’re talking to a little more personally
  • Use your talk partner’s first name
  • Never make corrections in an ad hoc or off-the-cuff fashion when you are feeling irritated or frustrated
  • Criticism should be the exception…verbal praise or tangible rewards should be the rule
  • Demonstrate or role model the corrective behavior
  • Never sound like your mom or dad, who criticized you as a kid
  • Respect personal sensitivity … Empathizers have the keys to unlock doors
  • Understand that no one you know has a small ego
  • Keep your feedback to under one minute, and then change the subject
  • Be prepared. Plan your comments days in advance. Think through what you’re going to say. Realize that no one likes bad news.
  • Fear of ostracism makes your talk partner stuff cotton balls in his or her ears.
  • Know no one this decade is expert at giving corrective feedback … but you’re learning how to!
  • Keep your talk simple and business-like…all-ways.

It’s nothing personal? Sure enough. After all, it is nothing personal, it’s only business…but business is all-ways VERY personal.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region relationship communications expert, inspirational keynote speaker, corporate trainer, and experienced couples and family counselor. For over 30 years, Dr. O’Grady has focused on improving effective communication among everyone, including in-love couples, at-work teams, corporate leaders, and their families. Dennis is the developer of the innovative results-driven Talk to Me© effective leadership and teamwork communication system. His book on positive and effective interpersonal communication, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at drogrady.com or at Amazon.