Do You Have Communication Deficiencies?

IMPROVING YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS AT HOME

Do you have communication deficiencies? Many of the executives and extraordinary people I coach are proud and successful, yet imperfect men and women. Common to all, though, is the self-perception: “I definitely have some communication deficiencies. I don’t like to put my feelings on the table. I wouldn’t be here unless I thought this has reached crisis proportions.” Do your peers or partner see you as holding things too close to the vest? Do you agree that improving communication makes for doing better business or helps with nurturing relationships? It all goes back to that poker skill of keeping your cards hidden, doesn’t it?

COMMON COMMUNICATION DEFICIENCIES WHEN PLAYING THE COMMUNICATION POKER GAME

You may not be as bad or good at communication as you think you are. But I’m sure glad that you’re paying attention to what makes your communicator car engine purr smoothly, or knock loudly, as you push down on the gas pedal. Symptoms of communication deficiencies, played out like a poker game, while you’re seated at the virtual communicator table:

  • You act like you can take criticism well, but you don’t
  • You hate to lose or feel inferior
  • You don’t ever wear your feelings on your sleeve
  • You have to hide inferiority feelings
  • You bluff well
  • You experience failure as disappointing others
  • You make calculated communication moves
  • You hide information or distribute it strategically
  • You are decidedly smart and shrewd
  • You disarm others with, “I’m just feebleminded on this subject ….”
  • You don’t often ask for help
  • You try to manage everything on your own
  • You view seeking coaching or receiving help as a sign of personal weakness
  • You use the defense mechanism of deflecting
  • You use a poker face, refusing to expose yourself

In sum, the universal key communication proficiency is knowing that to every communication problem, there is a communication solution, if you’re willing to use it instead of lose relationship trust and goodwill.

BETTERING YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS

In my world, you are a better communicator than you think you are. True, in research polls drivers rank their skills in the upper 20% of all drivers. Now, we all can’t be so masterful! All of us need to have the courage to accept help from neutral specialists who can coach us to help us achieve our personal goals. Some ways to think positively about improving communication skills:

1. I don’t have to manage this all alone. We all need help now and then to stay in the driver’s seat of our lives.

2. I must stop rationalizing that, “It’s not my fault!” You don’t fail to communicate, but you may be failing to get across your intended message.

3. This isn’t just one thing. The problem is a hub of the Opportunity Wheel and is rapidly traveling down all the spokes.

4. I shouldn’t have to try so hard to keep the elements of my life so compartmentalized. You aren’t a big loser, and the messes you find yourself in can be cleaned up.

5. I don’t have to fear feeling inferior. The only real failure is to neglect to change what isn’t working for you or for those you care about and respect.

6. I need to stop pressuring myself about the sin of disappointing others. If an expert pole vaulter can do a 10 foot jump, then why do you require yourself to clear 12 feet and feel like a loser when you don’t?

7. I need to trust the corrective feedback I’m hearing, even though I dislike it. The point of constructive feedback is to correct negative communication patterns and behaviors.

8. I don’t have to strike out. When you’ve struck out three times in one game, with people you work with or love, sign up for communication coaching meetings immediately!

9. I can correct any flaw of miscommunication. You can be a proficient communicator simply by using the communication map you develop as you study the Talk to Me© effective communication system.

ARE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS RUNNING OUT OF GAS?

Are your relationships running out of gas because you’re not choosing communication changes that will benefit everyone? The Talk to Me© effective communication system can change all that! Why allow communication deficiencies to cause you to drive into a ditch or get into angry shouting matches with your fellow drivers? You only have control over your own changes….Make them count for more today!

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST, DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady walks, talks, and works on both sides of Talk Street, using the same innovative and results-driven communication system he developed, the TALK TO ME© effective communication system, and “street smart” Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone. Are you licensed to drive on the two-way communicator highway? Are you sending out positive messages and achieving effective relationship results from your virtual communicator table? Those communication strategies which are successful at work may not work as well at home, unless you live with your co-workers! You deserve to be a proficient communicator, and your talk partners deserve clear and concise communications from you. Consult this week with communications psychologist, Dennis O’Grady, by calling (937) 428-0724. Dr. O’Grady’s complete playbook of good talk, is called Talk to Me©, and is available at Amazon and through www.drogrady.com

Are Giving Compliments A Sign Of Weakness?

TO COMPLIMENT OR NOT TO COMPLIMENT?

What is your communication style when you give compliments? Do you dispense them freely or keep them to yourself? Do you feel giving compliments is a sign of weakness, a form of manipulation, or both? Besides, shouldn’t people just do what’s right without expecting accolades? These are some of the thorny issues we brush against as we walk through the deep woods of interpersonal relationships. I love the email I received from a male college student, asking why compliments given to a female friend seemed to fall on deaf ears.

I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND WHERE THE ISSUE IS

Here’s what this young man wrote, and how I helped explain that compliments are experienced very differently by Empathizer vs. Instigator communicators. It’s nothing personal!

Hi Dr. O’Grady,

I sit here in the library, taking a break from studying for my first exam of the semester. The real reason that I thought to write to you is because of my female friend, Jill. It is a new milestone for me to have a really good friend, who happens to be a girl, and who is not my girlfriend. We talk so much that her roommate calls me her husband and refers to her as my wife! What perplexes me is that I have complimented her twice and did not receive the response I had expected. I told her that I thought she was amazing and that I really respected her. For me to say those things is extremely big, because I don’t just go around giving out compliments. I give them when I really mean them, which is why I was kind of surprised and hurt by her response…or lack of response, actually. She didn’t even acknowledge that I had just paid her a significant compliment. She just ignored it. When I kept pushing for a response, she said, “O.K. let’s just forget about the whole thing. I think you’re awesome, too.”

I just don’t understand where the issue is. I don’t know if we just have different ways of accepting and responding to compliments, or what. Could it be that she is not recognizing that I am paying such a significant compliment or caring sentiment to her?

Please let me know what you think about the situation with Jill.

THE INSTIGATOR VIEWPOINT ON THE ART OF COMPLIMENTS

Hi Jack,

I wanted to make sure I had time to digest your e-mail, so I waited until this morning to talk to you. I hope that is O.K. I am always so glad to hear from you. I’ll sound a little like your communications coach, which I am. By the way, I really like getting to know the language shortcuts of doing the text thing.

Let me address your question, “…Could it be that she is not recognizing that I am paying such a significant compliment or caring sentiment to her?”

Compliments are experienced very differently by Empathizer (E-type) and Instigator (I-type) communicators. For comparison, remember that you and your mom are E-types, while your dad is an I-type. I should look like both E- and I-types since I’ve been working hard to adopt the strengths of my opposing communicator style. Jill sounds like an Instigator communicator, given her behavior. Her style isn’t better or worse than yours; just different. Here are researched differences explained:

I-types…

1. …consider giving compliments unnecessary

2. …think needing compliments is a weakness

3. …try to put misunderstandings in the past by “forgetting about them”

4. …don’t like to feel vulnerable or rely on others for help

5. …believe they can put a strong mind over difficult relationship matters

6. …are afraid that emotions will spin their communicator car out of control

7. …want to send all E-types to “Empathizer Island” when frustration mounts

8. …value Empathizers’ ability to be true to their emotions

9. …love to solve problems

10. …are natural born leaders

It’s not a boy-girl thing, Jack. Gender just gives us ideas about what is the warm or cold thing to do in a relationship. You are comfortable with non-manipulative compliments. Your style is right on!

I hope this helps clear up any confusing communication matters for you on this beautiful fall weekend, Jack!

Thanks for talking to me….

COMMUNICATION CLIFF NOTES: COMPLIMENTS ARE EXPERIENCED VERY DIFFERENTLY BY EMPATHIZER VS. INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATORS

Empathizers freely give genuine praise, and they function best when their good works are recognized in words of genuine praise. Instigators believe that actions speak louder than words, and they function best when their genuine words are recognized in good works accomplished. So, it’s not that women praise more than men, or that men praise to get their way. It’s all about the communicator shoes you’re comfortable walking in. In the above case, the young man is an Empathizer talker and the young woman behaves like an Instigator communicator. Can you tell the difference? Each type perceives the giving and receiving of positive feedback very differently.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is the father and developer of the Talk to Me© communication system, which streamlines communication to be productive and useful…inside your head and inside your relationships. The Talk to Me© approach to good communication will help boost your mood, keep your energy up, and free yourself from the tar baby of negative relationships or emotions.

Handing Off The Baton Of Leadership

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON’T CHANGE WHEN CHANGE HAPPENS?

Why is it important to hand off the baton of leadership in business? Is anyone out there coaching leaders in how to communicate effectively and how to change during emotionally driven times? New leaders who can run the long race are needed, because business isn’t a 50-yard dash. Company leaders, who don’t hand off the baton when the time has come to go, create losses and fallout that nobody likes…the new blood of creative ideas is needed. It takes courage to lead by leaving, because it’s all about embracing change rather than ignoring it. Why worry? What happens if you don’t change when change happens? You lose your star players, and the remaining dependable players lose motivation. Your customers lose passion for your product. Your communication becomes cloudy and confusing, and your company stumbles and falls during the race.

WHY ONE RADIO STATION FAILED

Here’s a real situation that unfolded when the leaders weren’t ready to move on. It shows that a proven leader might be blinded by the intense emotions that arise during transitions of change.

A friend of mine spun records for a living, eventually working his way up to being a radio station manager. A few years back he had a tremendous opportunity, when a wealthy owner of twelve southern radio stations was frustrated because his favorite hometown station was about to go under.

In the mood to try anything new to save the station, he brought my friend, Evan, on board. The instructions Evan received were clear: “Make this station profitable within two years. I’m too busy to look over your shoulder, so you have my blessing to try anything new.” Evan had been waiting a long time for an opportunity like this to come his way. His fear of failure was overcome by the opportunity for total creative control, and he agreed to take on the challenge.

Evan brought a fresh perspective to the station. He asked the listeners what music they most wanted to hear over the airwaves. He fired freeloading staff, and he hired creative types who weren’t afraid to voice innovative ideas. They loved the unknown of it all. They weren’t looking for approval, weren’t afraid of looking foolish should they fail, and they were willing to take calculated risks in order to be successful. The “mavericks of music” began to try anything and everything under the sun to improve ratings, working as a team and having fun all the while.

What worked to improve ratings, they continued to use; what didn’t work was tossed aside. The mavericks knew they were on the right track when their programming and advertising techniques were mocked by other stations. “It’ll never work here….It’s already been done before….” were just a couple of the slams. But soon new listeners began to tune in to hear the mavericks’ antics. Staff really began getting fired up by the warm response. Their zany gimmicks continue to keep everyone in stitches and talking.

In fact, the staff was so busy being creative and working so hard that they hardly noticed when the advertising dollars went from a trickle to a flood!

What a change. Ratings continued to climb, and within one short year, the station took over the ratings honors in the city. Creative change had become the norm, and positive strokes the status quo.

When the exuberant hometown station owner flew into town to congratulate everyone, the staff were wined and dined at a posh restaurant to celebrate the success. Feelings of pride were running as high as the restaurant tab. The owner strode to the podium and said, “All of you have done a tremendous job. Now, whatever you do, don’t change a thing! Keep on doing what you’ve been doing.”

What sad advice.

THE BOSS KNOWS BEST?

New ideas and changes were stifled in this one brief announcement. What had made this team successful — feeling free to change — now became forbidden. There was no arguing with the boss. He claimed to know what was best for business.

Ratings began to slide downwards, and staff morale took a nose dive. Complaining quickly replaced creativity. It didn’t take long for the staff to become glum and demoralized. Evan became disillusioned and disappointed, finally deciding to move on. He felt confused and irritated that what was working so well was not allowed to flourish. In their final meeting together, the owner asked, “What went wrong? Everything was going so well. I just can’t figure out what happened.”

THE MORAL OF THE STORY?

The moral of the story? Success emanates from the momentum of creative change. Rest on your laurels for a while to celebrate your victories, but get right back up and keep on changing to remain successful. Embrace change when it isn’t a requirement. Make this one of your change mottoes: “Why not fix it if it ain’t broke?” Keep thinking about your life and how to better yourself. Change, being paradoxical by nature, must be allowed to run its course or your self-esteem…and progress…will be trampled in the stampede.

The one and only guarantee for sustained happiness? Keep growing and changing — now and forever! Misery comes from resisting needed changes. Be certain to keep on changing, even…and especially…when you are successful!

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., provides workshops and coaching on Effective Leadership Communication using the results-driven Talk to Me© innovative communication system. Dennis is also a relationship communications psychologist and corporate trainer from Dayton, Ohio. Dennis’s 2005 Dayton Leadership Study tested a sample group of 32 “proven, effective, and ethical leaders” who are responsible for running companies which account for over half of the jobs in the Dayton region. Dr. O’Grady’s findings are in his latest book, Talk To Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, which aims to better communication across all levels. Consult with Dr. O’Grady today by calling (937) 428-0724.

That’s Not What I Said…

DOES YOUR TALK PARTNER HAVE DEAD EARS?

“It’s all about you!” repeatedly calls out a crazy driver on the two-way talk highway as he runs you off the road into a ditch again and again. “That’s not what I meant to say!” is a sign that communication has become a battle zone. Of course, “You’ve ruined everything we once had!” may not be crazy or even mixed up. I-types, or Instigator-type communicators, are very strong-willed and strong-minded natural problem solvers. When there is a war of wills, with battling instead of communicating, the bridge of interpersonal trust is blown up…with no real winners in the circle and few or no materials available to rebuild the bridge.

THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE CAMEL’S BACK, or WHY CAN’T WE FIX OUR RELATIONSHIP?

One partner cried out, “It isn’t working, and it never will!” “Why can’t we fix our relationship?” bellows the opposite partner. Well, your relationship may not be “fixable.” One client put it this way during a couples’ session:

Why doesn’t our relationship get any better? How much therapy, church, or other avenues of self-improvement can really help you? It’s so hard to believe anything that comes out of your mouth. You can’t have a good time, and you get angry so fast, then you leave psychic bodies strewn all around. How come you’re not proud of yourself and your family? I can’t conceive how someone can be that delusional. You live in your own world which can’t, or won’t, include me. It’s difficult for you to find the good in anything.

If you’re battling with anyone, God — or Goddess — is giving you a wake up call.

THAT’S NOT WHAT I SAID…

Over half the time, relationship communications coaching works really well. But sometimes a relationship isn’t going to get any better. How do you know? When you hear, “I can’t live my life like this. I’m an optimist who tries to focus on the positive, but I’m feeling so down and blue.”

Read on for private client quotes as to the causes that make an Empathizer or Instigator partner feel frustrated, worried, and depressed, when relationship communication strategies just aren’t working:

1. LAZINESS. No efforts were made for years. You screwed up a good thing, and created much of this scene yourself. I have to take care of you, and I work far harder at it than you do. You expect me to take care of all the problems you create.

2. LIES. “Everything was my fault!” is the way the focus is flipped back on me. I thought I was going crazy. Now I have difficulty believing a word that comes out of your mouth.

3. UNCHANGING. You’ve made no sincere efforts to change. I give you feedback which could help the situation, but it’s like talking to a wall. It’s easy to blame everyone else for your problems, but we are grasping at straws this time.

4. DICTATING. I’m not going to be afraid of loss, or your threats, and I’m not going to be told what to do. Why do you always make me out to be the bad guy? It’s emotional blackmail!

5. EXCUSES. I’m tired of making excuses and covering up for you.

6. DEAD EARS. I just don’t think you get it. You turn everything around and twist the truth to focus the blame on me. You don’t hear what you don’t care to hear.

7. RANTING AND RAVING. When you get mad, you cut others off at the knees and leave psychic bodies strewn all around.

8. DISTORTION. When confronted, you say, “That’s not what I said or meant!” or you deny allegations to the hilt, even when they’re supported by evidence. I always have to weigh what you say against the reality of what you will do. I am learning to hate second-guessing myself. I shouldn’t have to second-guess myself!

9. LIVING IN LOSS. I can’t live the rest of my life this way. I’m at a loss for words much of the time. I feel like you’re not going to come to my aid, and I feel lost and lonely, without family and friends.

10. BETRAYAL. You used to like the strength of my character, but as I grew as a person, you didn’t want an equal partner who would work with you. Trying to convince me that I’m some kind of statistic or dysfunction won’t brainwash or beat me into resignation. I will not sit home and allow you to dominate my will. I won’t let others think you are something you’re not.

11. ROADBLOCKS. You throw so many roadblocks between us. You’re making it all about you, rather than thinking about my needs. Are you trying to scare me into staying with you, by saying that the end result means that our relationship is terminated? Why do you want to live with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Why do you start with a conflict 15 minutes before I have to leave for work? Is it because you know I — we — won’t have time to resolve the dispute before I leave, and that it will weigh heavily on my mind all day?

12. COWARDICE. You act like the cowardly lion. You even believe your own lies! You’ve created an “I-Me-Mine World,” and you want everyone to live in your fantasy. I just can’t continue this way any longer.

13. ENERGY. Being with you causes a tremendous drain of my energy, like a hole in my car’s gas tank leaking fuel. You try to manipulate me into thinking what you want me to think. I’m just too tired to go on like this….

14. MISERY. You say you love me, but you act as though you don’t even like me. I would be miserable if I chose to live with someone who doesn’t like me. You don’t like that I make money, have numerous friends, am involved in the community, go on missionary trips. What you like is that someone has been there to take care of your financial needs.

15. LESSER PERSON. If I continued in this oppressive relationship, I would become a bitter person, and I wouldn’t be the best person I can be.

Many unnecessary losses are inflicted by our own hands. If you’re digging a hole, put your shovel down and look around for help.

WHEN THE RUBBER MEETS THE ROAD

In distressed relationships, it feels like you’re going insane due to all the crazy talk. Crazy talk is talking about a romantic fantasy of how you wish things would be, versus the hard reality of how things really are. Stop second-guessing yourself. You didn’t get where you are in life by making bad choices. You can’t win in this relationship, and you want to become a better, not bitter, person.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is the father and developer of the innovative Talk to Me© effective communication system, which streamlines communication to be productive and useful, inside your head and inside your relationships. Although negative relationships and communication accidents plague us all, the Talk to Me© approach to good communication will help boost your mood, keep your energy up, and free you from the tar baby of negative relationships and emotions.

I Don’t Want To Go There

EMOTIONAL INTERROGATION

Closed-minded communication in couples or work dyads shut off teamwork and trust. It doesn’t have to be that way. When a talk partner says, “I don’t want to go there!” … you don’t have to go there either. Why go to extremes? Extreme either/or communication or You must agree with me or you’ll be punished isn’t useful when emotions run wild.

EXTREME COMMUNICATION MOVES THAT MISLEAD

Extremism in the form of threats and outlandish requests are meant to make you back off from expecting accountability and measuring promised results. Here are some ways strong-willed negative talkers get you off track:

1. PUNISHING that takes away time, attention, a good mood, or simple respect, sends the message that you’re bad and deserving of punishment. Example: “Well, if that’s how you’re going to be, then I don’t see how we can work this out.”

2. DRILLING occurs when you’re subjected to a series of penetrating questions that confuse the point you are trying to make. Example: “Wouldn’t you feel the same way if you were in my shoes?”

3. An act of DEFIANCE takes place when a counter-attack confronts a personal weakness in need of correction. Example: “Why can’t you let go of the past, for gosh sakes?!”

4. Seeds of DISSENTION are sown in the relationship field instead of seeds of trust and love. Example: “What’s that got to do with anything? You just don’t understand my side of the story.”

5. POWER ON CONTROL is employed when urgent emergencies or emotional psychodrama take the focus off uniting in agreement about prioritizing problem resolution. Example: “I’m too busy and stressed out to deal with all your stuff right now.”

6. HIDDEN AGENDAS are sneaky ways to exert control at the expense of a positive relationship. Example: “You wanted me to take charge of the money because we agreed you weren’t doing such a good job with it.”

7. When THE OTHER SHOE DROPS, promises to you are not kept, detracting from relationship predictability and stability. Example: “I know I told you I would be home at a certain time, but I got tied up, and I don’t have any control over that.”

9. FEARING leaves a gaping hole in logic — fear in the driver’s seat of your life — fearing loss so much, that in an attempt to control it, you actually bring loss to your life. Example: “I know you’re going to leave me if I speak up too forcefully.”

10. A TIME GAP results when one talk partner insists on living in a brighter past or future, thereby avoiding the present. Example: “I promise I’ll do better and get to it tomorrow.”

11. The RULE BREAKER exudes arrogance saying, “I’m set apart from the ordinary rules you mortals must follow.” Example: “Hey, I never said I was perfect, and rules were made to be broken.”

I don’t want to go there is a strange form of self- and relationship-detachment fueled by fear. I guess we don’t want to risk getting hurt that way, eh?

I DON’T WANT TO GO THERE…I DON’T WANT TO GO INTO THE SWAMP OF MY EMOTIONS

What does I don’t want to go there really mean? It typically implies this logic lapse:

I don’t want to go deeper into my emotions, because I will get lost in that swamp, and be eaten by bugs and worse, and never find my way out, and my bleached white sun dried bones will be found decades later by scientists, SO I don’t want to talk about it…I don’t want to go there…I don’t want to deal with this right now…I don’t have the energy or stamina to talk about it anymore…if you love and respect me you will leave me alone…NOW….Do as I say, not as I do.

I’ve always wanted to write like Dave Barry and sell like Steven King!

WITHOUT GOOD COMMUNICATION THERE IS A LEADERSHIP VACUUM

Without good communication, there is a love and leadership vacuum. If you aren’t the authority of your life, if you aren’t in the driver’s seat of your life, then who is? If you’re not in charge of the communication during emotionally stormy times, then who is? Going ahead slowly will save your skin every single time when you’re lost in an emotional swamp and the alligators are hungry.

THE SLIPPERY ROAD OF EMOTIONAL COMMUNICATION

Talking to someone at the same rank or level as you, such as a peer, is tricky. Talking to someone one level above or below you, such as a boss or child, is doubly tricky. Talking to anyone about anything when one of you is emotionally charged up, is almost impossible. Haven’t you noticed? Things go into a tailspin quicker than you can hide under your desk, when the fissionable material of fearful emotions and cold logic slam together.

WHO IS COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is an effective relationship communication coach, communication keynote speaker and workshop leader who delivers individual and couples coaching, executive coaching, and corporate training which actually improves communication fast, from top to bottom. Dennis is the original developer of the powerful Talk to Me© effective communication system. You can experience the benefits of his communication system directly by interacting with the 12 dimensions of the 2 communicator types (and switch among the 4 talk lanes when one is closed) in his book by the same title…. Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone is available at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.