Do You Live By The Rules Of Negative Tapes?

GETTING AWAY WITH ENERGY MURDER

Do you live your life by the rules of negative tapes? Put differently, do you pour sand into your gas tank and expect your car (self) to function properly? If you’re feeling depressed, you’re bound to be talking to yourself in negative ways that strain you and drain others who feel concerned about you.

DO YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE BY THE RULES OF NEGATIVE TAPES?

Jake, a 60-something Inventer relationship communications client of mine, put it this way:

I feel low in energy. I blow off steam by talking negatively. I’m an expert at reducing the positive and magnifying the negative. I love control. And how do people feel about me? Well, I keep my positive thoughts and experiences to myself. People tend to feel concerned for me and a bit worried that I never have anything positive to say. Therefore, people go out of their way to act compassionately toward me. People go out of their way to meet my needs. People go out of their way to be responsive to me. Why? Because I’ll let you know all the negatives…and because I don’t share positive things, I will feel very comfortable and in control.

A metaphor for the energy of a negative communicator: You will be like the Uncle Remus tar baby that trapped Briar Rabbit….I will suck away your energy until you feel stuck with me.

THE PERSONAL NEGATIVE TAPED MESSAGES PLAYED TODAY

Jake told me he plays a rigid series of negative tapes or messages he learned in childhood, which he still uses today. Examples of the negative messages played in his mind:

You’ll never be any good.
You can’t do anything right.
You’ll never amount to anything.
You have to belong to the clean plate club.

Jake said pensively, “How am I supposed to erase these negative messages? Do I even want to change? After all, I am VERY comfortable and in control of my relationships.”

GETTING AWAY WITH ENERGY MURDER

Jake didn’t share positive things. Like clockwork, Jake verbally reduced the positives and magnified the negatives! Did he really understand what he was doing to you? You bet. Read on:

…I terrorize. I can be quiet and intense. I push away from others. I push away from others because I feel more comfortable. It’s been too comfortable. Nothing’s disturbed this perfect world I’ve created and control. I can give just a look and people are terrified. Simply giving a piercing stare causes others to cower, then stand at attention. I’m getting away with energy murder. I can stop whatever others are doing and make them pay attention to me. Nobody dares stand up to me and say: “Look, we’re not doing this anymore!” When I appear to be agonizing over something, people wonder and worry about me…and here comes all this free energy toward me.

Why go to such extremes to have control and rob others of their energy reserves, when doing so is sure to drive them away one day…just when you realize you need them?

DO YOU HAVE TO PROVE YOU’RE NO GOOD?

The conditioned parental belief of “You’ll never be any good!” results in destructive relationship behaviors…like making people respond to you because you appear to be in a bad mood, when you aren’t. How do you do it? Hide the positive and magnify the negative. Keep good thoughts to yourself. Push people away by controlling their energy or their will. Make people serve you…and resent being your own energy pawn. Do you live your life by the rules of negative tapes?

FEEL FREE TO BE YOUR “GOOD ENOUGH,” GENUINE SELF

How do you get out of this twisted cycle? Well, play new tapes that tell you:

–you don’t need to be in control of life

–that life isn’t supposed to always be cheery and comfortable

–that grief and loss aren’t unbearable

–that people ought to be permitted to give their energy to a relationship…instead of having their energy drained from the relationship.

In short, you don’t have to force others to like and love you. Easy now…it’s going to be all right from here on out.

DO YOU WANT TO FEEL COMFORTABLE OR DO YOU WANT TO ERASE NEGATIVE TAPES AND LIVE FREE?

Why would you want to make yourself uncomfortable? To let go of the neurotic need to control! “Aren’t I in control?” you ask. Nope, it’s all just an illusion! Do you have to sink so low that the only place to go is to go on or climb up? Realize this — you don’t have to control your relationships right out of existence. I know you’re not interested in doing THAT.

Do you really want to erase negative tapes and live free? You won’t be as comfortable, but you will feel happy, connected, and significantly closer to those around you.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is the father and developer of the innovative Talk to Me© effective communication system, which streamlines communication that is productive and useful, inside your head and inside your relationships. Negatively charged beliefs plague us all, but the Talk to Me© approach to good communication will help boost your mood, keep your energy up, and free yourself from the tar baby of negative relationships or emotions.

Pessimism University

DO YOU DRESS YOURSELF UP OR DOWN?

Every day at New Insights Communication I hear about how clients dress themselves down for being less than they think they are able to be. Although self-derision is energy-draining and virtually useless in promoting needed change, many of us seem to be addicted to using negative self-talk to give ourselves a tongue-lashing. These bad communicators are good at dissing and unmotivating themselves. “I should be a better communicator….” or “I stack the deck against myself by not feeling confident….” are examples of how they think negative thoughts which could precipitate their downfall, if they are allowed to continue. But, hey, no worries…you have a high level of intellectual power — but you’re misusing your talents.

A LETTER TO ONE COMMUNICATIONS CLIENT WITH A DEGREE FROM PU

I use e-mail correspondence to promote change in my communications clients. Jared, the recipient of the following email, spent two sessions telling me how motivated he was to drive himself into the ground. The result? He didn’t stay focused on his goals, and he didn’t attend his college classes. Neither did he talk positively to himself, filling his mind instead with the gloomiest possible views of every situation. As an Empathizer communicator, he made things much worse in his head than they actually were. Consequently, he had no inspiration to accomplish much of anything. With Jared’s permission, I decided to send him a little healthy sarcasm in an e-mail, making a point about the importance of talking positively to himself.

Dear Jared,

I know you’re striving to be a positive person and communicator. Remember our discussions related to pessimism vs. realism vs. optimism? I would really like for you to send me a copy of your doctoral diploma…the one that reads Doctor of Self-Defeatism. I believe you told me that you obtained your degree from Pessimism University…PU.

As I recall, you also told me that your doctoral dissertation was entitled DISMOTIVATION: How to dig a hole and throw yourself in it then hit yourself in the head with the very shovel that you used to dig the black pit AND make yourself feel bad for a very long time by digging your hole deeper and crying all the time. I believe you when you said that you obtained a VERY good grade on your dissertation….

If you would, please send me a copy of your dissertation and PU diploma at your earliest convenience. Oh, I’m just joking here! You know what I mean?

Respectfully yours,

Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D.
Professor of The Psychology of Self-Defeatism
Pessimism University…PU

HOW DO YOU TALK TO YOURSELF TO REDUCE VS. PRODUCE ANXIETY?

The Talk to Me system is designed to improve your energy and motivation, and give you the stamina to achieve your goals, by talking sensibly to yourself instead of wallowing in the mud of self-imposed self-pity. You are the perfect talk road warrior! Get that junk in your trunk out of your head. Use the spiritual tools neatly tucked away in your glove box. Use your communicator map to get to where you need and want to go. Otherwise, you are going to be an energy drag to be around.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region communications psychologist, relationship coach, corporate trainer, and keynote speaker. His areas of focus are change management, constructive team relationships, and effective communication. Dennis is the developer of the powerful new Talk to Me© effective listening and leadership communication training system. Copies of his book are available at www.drogrady.com and at Amazon. Get your roadmap to communication success today by calling and personally consulting with Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D.

Who’s To Blame For Miscommunication?

ARE YOU WIRED TO TAKE ON BLAME?

Who’s to blame for miscommunication patterns? Empathizer (E-type) communicators are interpersonally wired to take on blame and search for reasons why they have or haven’t done something to negatively impact a relationship. Ergo, the muse, “You are too sensitive for your own good!” Instigator (I-type) communicators are interpersonally wired to avoid blame or to blame the situation as the problem. Hence, the belief, “It’s not my fault and feeling bad won’t accomplish anything good!” Conflict results when energy is focused on affixing blame instead of fixing the problem of faulty communication.

EMPATHIZER AND INSTIGATOR TALKERS IN CONFLICT

Confusing communication causes conflict. Empathizers keep secret how Instigators aren’t being helpful for fear of hurting their talk partners’ feelings. Nonetheless, an E-type talker in conflict with an I-type talker perceives and views these stances as unhelpful:

1. Playing the role of the noble victim. E-types don’t respect anyone who feigns a one-down position to grab the upper hand of power.

Confusing I-Type Message: “I’ve done a lot to try to make this relationship work, and this situation is very hard on me, too.”

(Implication: If anyone’s to blame, it’s obviously not me! I deserve some sympathy.)

2. Putting me in a situation where I feel pressured to play the role of a quasi-authority figure. E-types don’t like being cornered to make suggestions that will be rebutted and not used.

Confusing I-Type Message: “Then you tell me what to do! Lay out a very clear course for us to follow. Give me a plan. What would you like for me to do for you?”

(Implication: If you make the plan, then I can’t be held responsible if it fails.)

3. Stirring the pot by bringing drama into the situation. E-types like peace and quiet and feel distressed when their relationships are stressed.

Confusing I-Type Message: “When I try to be helpful, you get resentful. You’re over-reacting and getting too emotional. I don’t want to upset the apple cart or stir the pot, but I’m not going to put a big smile on a pile of stinky crap, either.”

(Implication: Whenever I play the part of a good guy or gal, you can’t help but see things my way.)

4. Creating issues to face or fear. E-types intensely dislike issues, created out of thin air, which make them feel vulnerable or fearful.

Confusing I-Type Message: I’m not making up this issue. This is a legitimate issue, and it really is a big deal whether you agree with me or not.

(Implication: This relationship is in serious trouble! Somehow, we must not be right for each other.)

5. Spinning their ideas around in my mind. E-types feel many things are their fault and are ultimately theirs to change.

Confusing I-Type Message: “If only you had _______(fill in the blank), or if you hadn’t ________ (fill in the blank), then things would have gone so much better. We wouldn’t be having these problems.”

(Implication: These problems are really your fault, not mine — even if I didn’t ask you to do, or not do, these things, you should have known! Didn’t you pass Mind Reading 101 in school?)

6. Making accusations like “Why don’t you care?” E-types pride themselves on being caring and compassionate people. This tends to make the E-type feel pressured to do what was asked, even when uncomfortable doing it, to demonstrate devotion…despite that doing so is taxing physically, emotionally, or financially.

Confusing I-Type Message: “If you do not ___________, (fill in the blank — usually something very difficult to do), then you must not really care about me.” (Or you’re not right for me, or this relationship is doomed, etc.)

(Implication: If this relationship doesn’t end up working out, then it’s going to be your fault because you didn’t — or you did — ___________ (whatever was asked to be done.).

7. Running away from feelings. E-types view I-types as prone to running away from solving emotional problems.

Confusing I-Type Message: “You don’t understand. I’m not cold or heartless because I’m in this for the long haul and I don’t drop out of sight when the going gets tough.

(Implication: If the E-type is in this for the long haul, s/he’d better be ready to do a lot of compromising…and endurance training.)

8. Switching talk lanes abruptly. The E-type communicator can point out that the I-type is actually exhibiting one of the above patterns, and that it’s not a good way to communicate and resolve problems, only to have the I-type very subtly and quickly change topics to bring up another issue that is blamed on the E-type.

Confusing I-Type Message: “I’m not being defensive. I’m just being logical and factual. You’re just taking this out of context again.”

(Implication: It’s actually somehow the E-type’s fault if the I-type exhibits these patterns, again putting the E-type on the defensive.)

When you understand how you’re viewed by your opposite communicator type, you have a greater ability to communicate clearly in ways that bring about change and which don’t sow discord and conflict.

ABOUT DAYTON COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the innovative researcher and teacher of the Talk to Me© innovative communication system. You can obtain Dr. O’Grady’s self-empowering textbook of results-driven communication strategies, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, at drogrady.com or Amazon. Dennis provides relationship communication coaching, corporate training and event keynotes on effective relationship communication, using his powerful model of adopting the strengths of Empathizer-type and Instigator-type communicators.

Are You Able To Walk In The Shoes Of Your Opposite Communicator Type?

DO YOU WEAR YOUR FEELINGS OPENLY ON A SHIRT SLEEVE?

Are you able to walk in the shoes of your opposite communicator type? Please don’t tell me you don’t know at least three of the crucial differences between Empathizer-type (E-type) and Instigator-type (I-type) communicators. The benefit to you of knowing these differences — or how opposite talk types attract and repel — is far greater communicator effectiveness and fewer misunderstandings. Just you check it out for yourself and see!

ARE YOU ABLE TO WALK IN THE SHOES OF AN INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATOR AND KNOW WHAT MAKES THEM TICK OR TICKED OFF?

The old proverb says, “You can’t compare apples and oranges.” So what do E-types (Empathizer-type communicators) need to know about I-types (Instigator-type communicators)?

I-types:

1. Dislike being backed into a corner where logical arguments fail them.

2. Dislike being at fault for a communication breakdown or emotional meltdown.

3. Are natural trial attorneys who can split hairs and convincingly argue a fine point of relationship law.

4. Assume that co-communicators should not wear their feelings openly on a shirt sleeve.

5. Work on their own time schedule and dislike being pushed or prodded to make a decision.

6. Are the world’s best procrastinators and might imply that they will complete tasks which are ultimately left undone.

7. Feel trapped and backed against a wall when they perceive that the contributions they are expected to make to a relationship are externally dictated.

8. Resent and balk at being required to stick to specific behavioral agreements with designated performance time lines.

9. Quickly point out extremes in thinking, as in “You never….” or “You always….”

10. Are logicians who use precise, plausible arguments to throw you off the central point of the discussion.

11. Will criticize their talk partners for being too perfect and for unreasonably expecting perfect relationship interactions.

To be better communicators, we must become more able to walk in the shoes of our opposite communicator type.

TEST YOUR COMMUNICATOR TYPE TODAY

It couldn’t be easier to know your type and to whom you’re talking, by type, when you use talknology. Click here on What’s Your Type? and take less than a minute to answer the “yes” or “no” questions you find on the NICI (New Insights Communication Inventory). A free Communicator Style report will immediately be sent to your mailbox. You won’t ever receive any advertising or further marketing, as a result of finding out your communicator type.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region corporate trainer, keynote speaker, couples counselor, and relationship expert. Dennis is the developer of the innovative person- and results-driven Talk to Me© effective leadership and teamwork communication system. For 30 years, Dr. O’Grady has focused on improving effective communication, constructive team relationships, and change management. His latest book, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at drogrady.com or at Amazon.

Finding Mr. Right…Avoiding Ms. Wrong

YOU’RE RIGHT TO STEER CLEAR OF MR./ MS. WRONG

What’s it take for a good woman or man to find a good partner these days? Pure luck? Are all the good ones taken, as Negatalkers would have us think?

THE WRONG WAY OF FINDING MR. OR MS. RIGHT

Are you uneasy and gun-shy because you’ve had your own close call with identity theft and self-esteem death with your charming and disarmingly negative Cagey Communicator guy or gal. What to look out for if you’re a sweetheart of an open and honest communicator:

1. TWISTED THINKING. You never feel like you get a straight answer to a simple question, and even easy topics become complex psychological talk projects with Mr./MS. Wrong.

2. IMAGE IS EVERYTHING. Mr./MS. Wrong is a “nice guy or gal” who is an interpersonal politician who “invents an image” that is designed to sell others a “favorable” impression.

3. MAKES MESSES. If you trace his steps and actions, Mr./MS. Wrong makes one mess after another in her personal relationships.

4. BRINGS DOWN. Mr./MS. Wrong even has the nerve to complain about how people react unkindly to the very messes he makes in their living space. He brings good things down, and entices you to work harder and harder to try and make her happy.

5. HAMMERS YOU. If you question Mr./MS. Wrong or assertively stand up to him or her, you will be hammered down with all sorts of rationalizations and justifications about why she’s right and you’re wrong.

6. CLOSENESS PHOBIC. Mr./MS. Wrong lives by The Little Whorehouse movie musical lines: “Now you see me, now you don’t!”

7. CONFUSION. Mr./MS. Wrong flows and empties like a tide pool, while you get sunburned and feel confused…and then blame yourself for what went wrong.

8. A BOLD-FACED LIAR. Mr./MS. Wrong tells such big lies that you might just be tempted to think there’s some truth to them.

9. HYPNOTIZER. Just because someone says something don’t make it so! So don’t be hypnotized with reverse psychology, because what Mr./MS. Wrong criticizes as your weakness, is in fact a pure strength of leadership.

10. LAZY BONES. Mr./MS. Wrong thinks winning means that your try harder and put more energy into the relationship than she or he does.

11. A MAGNETIC PERSONALITY. How cute and quaint that Mr./MS. Wrong sells everyone on his appearance of normalcy and niceness, while making you feel crazy but intrigued.

12. QUICK TO BLAME. Justifying how “It’s not my fault, because people were doing it to me, so I couldn’t control it!” Fact is you have a control freak, an anti-change or rigid thinking junkie on your hands.

13. IMPLIED MESSAGES. What isn’t said, what’s left out of the conversation, and what’s implied in statements are hypnotic messages meant to wear you down into agreeing with his or her viewpoint.

14. TERRIBLE TWOS. When Mr./MS. Wrong can’t have his way, he will pout and shout about how unfair you’re being, and throw a temper tantrum that would put a two-year-old in stitches.

15. WEAR YOU DOWN. Mr./MS. Wrong doesn’t take no for an answer, and will like a sledgehammer wear you down with “logical arguments” until you stop standing up for yourself.

16. RUNNING THE TALK MAZE. Mr./MS. Wrong makes you feel like you have to run a maze to be close to him or her, until your head spins and you feel confused and have lost your way.

17. UNHAPPY. Mr./MS. Wrong is never truly happy, because it’s never quite good enough, and you could do much better.

DO YOU LIKE HIM AS MUCH AS HE LIKES YOU?

Is your energy being drained? Energy needs to be about equal in a positive relationship. Mr./MS. Wrong changes the score of the game, and the minutes left to play, because he OR she lacks integrity and he justifies unethical actions in business and romance. Do you like a good challenge? Well, then hook up with Mr./MS. Wrong — who is neither fun nor loving over the long haul.

ABOUT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady is a professional psychologist who has clinically researched how lonely it is at the bottom of the communication dating pool. Dennis has looked into a subgroup of negative communicators, called Cagey Communicators, who really can make a mess of things, and make a romantic partner feel as if “I should’ve seen through it.” Do opposites attract? Yes, opposites attract, but they don’t last. You shouldn’t have to work so hard to be emotionally close with someone, right? Giving shouldn’t be a one-way street. Image isn’t everything, because heart-and-soul is also needed, to make the communication body go. Actually, Mr. Wrong and Ms. Wrong both fit the personality and communicator profile above. It’s the hardest type to catch on to in the Land of Ozzie and Harriet and The Wizard of Oz. Are you abnormal? Aren’t you honest and open, what you see is what you get? Aren’t you an Empathizer who needs to take a stand and stand for positive relationships that hold people like you in an embracing hug? If you are separated or divorced, perhaps you’ve caught on to the fact that relationships shouldn’t be so much hard work that involves only one person being able and willing to drive the couple communicator car.