The Great And Wonderful, Always Mighty “Leader”

If you’ve felt since your grade school years that you’ve been a natural born leader, then chances are you’re a Leader in the Talk to Me© effective communication system… a passionate leader, at that (an Instigator-type extrovert or ITE), one who knows how to go in there and make it work. You even have the know-how to take on a dysfunctional program or system and make it work. Your work motto is: “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade…and try to be the owner of the lemonade stand, too.”

WHAT INSTIGATOR EXTROVERT LEADERS DESPISE

As a Leader, I know you don’t like all that “Oh, how great thou art!” stuff because you are a humble person. According to my research using the NICI-LS (New Insights Communication Inventory — Leadership Survey), chances are good that 28.1% of the time, you are either interfacing with a Leader communicator or you are the Leader. Leaders lack patience for those people who don’t…

  • Prepare for the worst and hope for the best
  • Plan and go after it
  • Follow The Fairness Doctrine
  • Do everything in moderation and have a back up plan
  • Have power and confidence in dealing with people
  • Make up their minds and avoid second guessing themselves
  • Have power and confidence in dealing with all people
  • Take responsibility to walk the talk and be effective
  • Talk to people and promote tools to cope with change
  • Turn negatives into positives by using encouraging self-talk
  • Realize that blaming and complaining are lame
  • Know how to make it work
  • Pick their battles carefully to win the war
  • Make lemonade when life hands them lemons
  • Move ahead vs. staying stuck, spinning their wheels
  • Play fair…reward fairly…fix problems instead of fuss or fume about them

ARE YOU A CHARGE-AHEAD INSTIGATOR LEADER?

If you’re the positive Leader subtype you thrive in leadership roles because you…

1. ARE A NATURAL BORN LEADER. Even before grade school, you were wired to be a leader. You love to lead and loathe being a follower. You have the confidence that projects left to you will be done right, fairly, honestly, and filled to the gills with integrity. Instead of waffling, you’re confident when taking action. Your decisions are right-on for the whole group, and you don’t stuff your pockets at the expense of others.

2. PICK YOUR BATTLES CAREFULLY. You strive to make things work by carefully picking your battles. You choose your battles by asking yourself: “Is it worth dying on this hill?” or “Will I win this battle only to lose the war?” It’s more important for you to get ahead than to get your way only to lose the war. Communication with others is easy for you, as long as emotions don’t get all riled up, making smart people say or do some pretty stupid things.

3. ARE A MAP MAKER. You skillfully take time to chart out what lies ahead. You are able to plot a course from where we are now to where we need to be in the future, with the greatest of ease. In short, you are a flexible, plan-mindful person who loves to devise a good course of action as you efficiently motivate the troops to move forward. You think well on your feet, know the realistic rules of life, and you always strive to be prepared for any roadblock which may loom ahead. You quickly adjust any course of action that isn’t achieving the desired results, without sticking your ego in the mix.

4. USE THE FAIRNESS DOCTRINE. When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade and sell more lemonade stands to your comrades. You don’t waste energy with the useless refrain, “But life’s supposed to be fair.” You know the fair comes around once a year, and you often don’t go to the county fair even then. You have natural instincts that tell you what is fair vs. unfair for the individual and the group. “It’s not fair!” has nothing to do with you, because you strive to live by a fairness doctrine that always strives to balance obligations and payoffs equally.

5. ARE INGENIOUSLY ADAPTABLE. Like a good scout, you are always prepared. You prefer to travel through life independently, without having to worry about carrying the burdens of others on your shoulders. You don’t care to lug along guilt luggage because you prefer to travel light. You are able to gracefully adapt to any stressful situation. You are a versatile planner and doer, one who plans ahead and leads the way, constantly adjusting your course and modifying strategies as feedback is obtained along the way. You are performance-driven, and you like to win. Some consider you “the golden boy” or “golden girl.”

6. HAVE A SUSTAINING PASSION TO MAKE LIFE WORK. You love a challenge, and you have the know-how to get results fast that last. In fact, when one road is closed, you typically already have alternate routes planned out. You don’t let anything or anyone get you down for long, since you’re a big believer that a positive attitude brings good luck and divine fortune to you and yours. You have the passionate power and confidence to make any program or plan work. You’re good at calculating odds of success vs. roadblocks and failure.

7. ARE ABLE TO RECHARGE YOUR ENERGY BY INTERACTING WITH OTHERS. You recharge your energy battery by interacting with others. You adapt fast and communicate well as you pick team members with the steam to get the job done. You have the gift of gab, and you know how to work a room to your advantage. Your humor, enthusiasm, and positive attitude are respected and loved by those who drawn to you. Your battery goes low when people aren’t talking or sharing information openly with you. You like to take charge, but you aren’t a control freak. For example, you’d rather drive the car than ride in the passenger seat. There are no strangers in your life, just people waiting to become your new friends.

8. ARE A DRIVER WHO TAKES CONTROL OF THE WHEEL. You love to drive things along, and you can’t stand being bored. You can dominate the mood of the group, for better or worse. If you are a negative communicator, you want what you can’t have, and you believe the grass is always greener someplace else. Although you like to take the wheel and drive the car to the planned destination, you let others take the wheel and learn. You understand that “instructing and guiding” help teach important life lessons which people must learn.

9. ARE CONTINUOUSLY PERSISTENT. You live by your wits, and you have grit and determination. Giving up isn’t part of your plan…you are going to get us all to the next agreed-upon destination as fast as practically possible. You are persistent, determined to succeed, and you enjoy the financial rewards of being a finely tuned leadership guru. You are a relentless and tenacious go-getter. There’s no two ways about it — you establish the plan to get the job done and the goal attained. There’s no way you’re not going to get where you and your team or family need, or want, to go.

10. SEEK THE MIDDLE ROAD. You make things work by seeking the middle road as the most practical way to arrive at the intended destination. You hate the diversion of hurt feelings, injured egos, or other senseless accidents waiting to happen. In fact, you prepare with the worst in mind; you hope for the best; and you trust that the genuine outcome will be somewhere in the middle. You’re prepared to change your travel plans and try a different way. You seek sustenance in balance. You don’t trust others (or yourself) who go to extremes. Thus, you can play the piano of reality at all ranges, but you trust and use the keys in the middle range the most.

11. ARE A REALITY RESPONDER. “Be ready for anything and adapt as life unfolds!” is your motto. You solicit input from people whom you respect — those who have the keys of knowledge which unlock the door of opportunity you’re facing. You may not always be democratic, but you are certainly a diplomatic authority. You research options, you analyze potential problems or pitfalls, and you have a fallback position when times get tough. It’s so like you to plan ahead with alternate routes to take when one route doesn’t pan out. You are a reality responder!

You know how to make a map that gets all of us where we need and want to go, my dear expert communicator Leader!

LEADERS LOVE TO LEAD THE CHARGE AND MARCH OFF THE MAP

Simply put, Leaders love to direct us into unfamiliar regions. They love to create the map. They love to march off the map. Leaders take us from one known to the next known by going through the unknown or uncharted wilderness areas, with supreme confidence. Where would we be without them? Stuck in the past, pointing fingers of blame, that’s where.

Are you an Intuiter, Seer, Inventor, and Leader in the Talk to Me© communication system? Although Leaders diplomatically get along well with negative people, they don’t respect negatalkers who dig in their heels. Why? Because Leaders love to lead the charge ahead, marching off the map into new lands!

COMMUNICATION COMES EASY FOR THE LEADER COMMUNICATOR RELATIONSHIP SUBTYPE

Oh, how you love to drive in the Beliefs lane on the two-way communicator highway. Here’s what you know to be so:

You believe communication is easy…and it is pretty easy for you!

You think communication ought to be free of undue emotionalism…and you’re able to remain calm, even when your feelings are smarting!

You believe wise men and women pick their battles carefully…and you won’t lose your life charging over the next hill that’s not even worth climbing!

You think that patience is a virtue…and you wish you had some!

You believe in laughing at yourself…to beat others to the punch!

You think a good leader knows how to be a good follower… but honestly, you’re not so sure that applies to you!

INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATOR LEADERSHIP BY THE NUMBERS

There are four leadership or relationship subtypes in the Talk to Me© communication system — Intuiter, Seer, Inventor, and Leader — which I’ve painstakingly researched.

In the Dayton 2005 Leadership Study, which I designed and directed, I was able to get an accurate communication assessment of some of the most successful leaders in our region. Two types of Instigator leaders were found:

Type I: The Inventor. This very inventive and creative individual is an ideal “start up” leader. In my study, 15.6% of a selected group of leaders in the 2005 Dayton Coalition Study fell into this category. Inventors stumble when routine replaces inventiveness.

Type II: The Leader. This is the very fair and balanced individual who is an ideal “carry forward” leader. 59.4% of our proven and successful leaders, in the study, fell into this category. Project or company leadership trip up when can’t receive 360-degree feedback from those perceived to be trustworthy sources.

The remaining 25% in the 2005 Dayton Coalition Study were Empathizer leaders. Since 75% of leaders in the sample group were Instigator communicators, I concluded that Instigators love to instigate change. However, every individual, Empathizer and Instigator alike, can be an effective leader.

REALITY CHECK

If you are an Instigator-type communicator, you are a natural-born leader. You came in to this life wired to be a leader. You are eminently diplomatic and respectful of reality. With an accurate map, you can confidently lead all of us through unknown regions to begin a new life adventure.

ABOUT DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., provides workshops and coaching on Effective Leadership Communication using the results-driven Talk to Me© innovative communication system. Dennis is also a relationship communications psychologist and corporate trainer from Dayton, Ohio. Dennis’s 2005 Dayton Leadership Study tested a sample group of 32 “proven, effective, and ethical leaders” who are responsible for running companies which account for over half of the jobs in the Dayton region. Dr. O’Grady’s findings are in his latest book, Talk To Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, which aims to better communication across all levels.

Antidotes To Toxic Communication

19% ARE TOXIC COMMUNICATORS

Does a toxic communicator get under your skin or drive you up a wall? Or do you feel stuck in Uncle Remus’ Tar Baby of negative thoughts and feelings? Toxic communicators make you feel that you’ve dug a deep hole for yourself and jumped in, just to make yourself miserable. Actually, whether you were pushed into the hole or threw yourself in head first, followed by a metal shovel dropping down on you, you’ve got to get clear of confusing communication. There are other road signs that a toxic communicator has taken up residence in your mind and is dominating your will.

ROAD SIGNS or HALLMARKS OF TOXIC COMMUNICATION

According to my research, only about 19% of communicators are toxic communicators who spin confusion all around them. Common symptoms you will feel, courtesy of The Cagey Communicator:

You’re left a mess. You wake up in the morning, or go to sleep at night, re-hashing the insane things the toxic communicator has said or done.

Can’t and don’t communicate. “We can’t talk!” is how you’re left feeling, since you can’t really pin down the toxic communicator who is forever scheming and planning.

Sucked into the wounds of the cagey communicator. Toxic communicators pull you into their grief world to heal them, and then you’re left wounded and lonesome.

Wallowing in suffering. You blame yourself and kick yourself in the head for feeling so bad for so long. Whoops! You’ve been had once again, because it’s not your fault.

I can’t get you out of my head. Your head is crammed full of the crummy stuff that the toxic communicator has so carefully stowed away, at your expense.

Panic, anxiety, and personal unrest. Your life intent is happiness and peace of mind, not having your mind split into a million little pieces by the controlling will of the toxic communicator.

It’s now time to flick those toxic people off!

LET IT GO IN ONE EAR AND OUT THE OTHER

If your head is SO jammed full of fear and anxiety, then you are most likely a too sweet Empathizer communicator whose mind has been taken over and whose spirit has been soured by a toxic communicator. Now hear this: You have to do what will make you happy! Talk to You: “I have to do what will make ME happy!” Now, what communicator moves can you make so you’ll feel sane and serene again?

ANTIDOTES TO TOXIC COMMUNICATION

Although your mind has been in a rut, you can move out of that rut by turning your steering wheel slightly to the left or to the right. I should know, because growing up in Michigan winters gave me plenty of practice time! My dear E-types, here’s how to avoid “getting stuck” in negativity:

1. I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE. Toxic communicators are poison to everyone. You’re not the only one, and this isn’t about you. Say, “Since I’m not the only one impacted, I won’t allow my mind to stay in a fear-driven place.”

2. IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL. Toxic communicators can especially confuse sensitive and loving souls who are interpersonal experts. Say, “It’s nothing personal, because now it’s only business between us.”

3. I’M NOT TO BLAME. Toxic communicators make you feel responsible for fixing their problems and healing their ancient grief wounds. Say, “I’m not to blame for this mess, and I don’t always have to clean up after a messy communicator!”

4. I’M CONFIDENT OTHERS SEE WHAT I SEE. Toxic communicators can fool some of the people some of the time, but can’t fool all of the people all of the time. Say, “I’m confident that neutral outside authorities see what I see taking place.”

5. I HAVE CONTROL OF PUSHING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS THAT DON’T SERVE ME OUT OF MY MIND. Toxic communicators want you to stew and sulk about their ship of fools. Say, “I have the control to push out negative thoughts that are crowding my mind!”

6. I CAN BE COMFORTABLE WITH PEACE AND HAPPINESS. Toxic communicators despise peace and strive for war, discord, and divisions that control the flow of information. Say, “I am increasingly comfortable with peace and happiness!”

7. I MOVE OUT OF MENTAL RUTS. Toxic communicators don’t have the final say, because you can allow negative thoughts to pass on through your brain. Say, “I will easily move out of the mental ruts I find myself in today!”

The clever fox wants you, the rabbit, to fight the Tar Baby of their negative talk so you get stuck faster in the goo of it. Not today. You now have the antidote to toxic communication that is NOT about you! Say with me now, “You and I are not our negative thoughts and feelings!”

ABOUT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region communications psychologist, relationship coach, corporate trainer, and keynote speaker. His areas of focus are change management, constructive team relationships, and effective communication. Dennis is the developer of the powerful new Talk to Me© effective listening and leadership communication training system. Copies of his book are available at www.drogrady.com and at Amazon. Get your roadmap to communication success today by calling and personally consulting with Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D.

Can You Walk In The Talk Shoes Of An Empathizer Communicator?

Can you walk in the talk shoes of an Empathizer (E-type) communicator? Now, if you are an Instigator communicator (I-type), chances are you’ve inadvertently run headlong into a talk collision — or three — with an Empathizer communicator at some point. It’s not your fault! As an Instigator, you probably have concluded that E-types are “high touch and terribly emotional.” But that’s not enough information to map out your next communication move on the congested and fast-moving two-way communicator highway. So, what are you supposed to do when you’re traveling with a sensitive communicator passenger or driver?

KEYS TO THE IGNITION OF GOOD COMMUNICATION, EMPATHIZER STYLE

Here then are a few key summary points about how Empathizer-type communicators (p. 95-98 Talk to Me) drive and operate quite differently on the two-way communicator highway…in the lanes of Emotions and Talks.

Empathizer-type communicators:

• Are intimidated by the I-types’ debating skills
• Desire approval and recognition
• By nature, are shy about speaking up or disagreeing
• Are too sensitive to hurting others
• Won’t push their points of view, nor will they push back effectively
• Enjoy more compliments
• Fear corrective criticisms
• Stew and brood when talks aren’t going well
• “It’s only business, it’s nothing personal!” rings untrue
• Are de-motivated by criticism over the long haul
• See sincere compliments as being motivational
• Are person vs. policy focused
• Are behind-the-scenes workhorses who may feel under-appreciated
• Are relationship-centered
• Worry that they aren’t achieving enough
• Find that, when their mood is down, performance goes down
• Are intimidated by booming voices or facial signs of disapproval
• Can’t hear logical arguments when emotions run high
• Find that public scolding leads to personal stewing
• When distressed, will act up and do something stupid
• Will yield when they should push back and stand their ground
• Are good listeners to a fault
• Can see the “elephant in the room”
• Have solutions to pesky problems, but may not be able to lead the charge toward change

UNDERSTANDING YOUR OPPOSITE COMMUNICATOR TYPE PAYS DIVIDENDS

Do you want to get along with your opposite communicator type, instead of causing massive problems, my dear Instigator friends? Of course you do. Why would you want poor communication to push out mega-opportunities? Do you want to force positive people or truckloads of money to go flying right out of your life? New communication moves that the Talk to Me system will teach you, are as simple to recognize as the nose on your face. You don’t see the obvious honker unless you’re coached by a trusted advisor to look in the mirror of good communication.

TODAY’S TALK TOOL

Begin noticing crucial distinctive differences and communicator dimensions that will pay dividends. Today’s Talk Tool: When talking with an Empathizer, soften your voice tone and give pause or space to listen.

ABOUT THE TALK TO ME EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SYSTEM

Dr. Dennis O’Grady wrote the book on good communication, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, available at drogrady.com or at Amazon. Dennis is a communications psychologist who leads Listen Up! workshops, which teach teams to listen better and become better communicators. Dr. O’Grady is the original developer of the powerful new person-driven, leadership communication system called Talk to Me© . Get your roadmap to communication success today by consulting with Dennis O’Grady.

Why Do I Always Have To Play By Your Rules?

BEING IGNORANT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE STUPID

Most misunderstandings and relationship conflicts are caused by ignorance of communicator styles. “I’m more swayed by others opinions,” is a prime example of Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators. “I’m comfortable disagreeing or debating an issue,” is more typical of the Instigator-type (I-type) communicator. When you flexibly adopt each type’s opposing set of communication rules or life viewpoints, you will discover, “People energize me instead of drain me.”

INTERPERSONAL INSENSITIVITY VS. SENSITIVITY TRAINING

People don’t ordinarily intend to be difficult or mean. They are simply acting in the dark or dim light of restricted thinking about “one size fits all” communication. That’s why men and women become lazy and complacent by blaming the opposite sex for their travel troubles on the two-way communication highway. Thus, E-types benefit from “insensitivity training” so that what annoying people say is taken less personally. I-types benefit from “sensitivity training” or taking relationship distress signals more personally.

WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO AGREE WITH YOU OR YOUR WAY OF DOING THINGS?

E-type partners shut up and shut down when their I-type talk partners don’t appear to want to hear what they’re trying to say. Then an I-typer will lament, “I didn’t realize anything was wrong. It just came out of the blue at me.” The following relationship sentiments and rules are what E-types, whether a male or female, don’t know about I-types:

1. Why do I always have to play by your rules? I-types dislike being backed into a corner where logical arguments fail them.

2. But I didn’t intend to hurt you or be insensitive. I-types dislike being at fault for a communication breakdown or emotional meltdown.

3. That’s not exactly what I said. I-types are natural trial attorneys who can split hairs and convincingly argue a fine point of relationship law.

4. You’ve got to take responsibility for your own feelings. I-types assume that co-communicators oughtn’t wear their feelings openly on a shirt sleeve.

5. I like to take my time and make a careful decision. I-types work on their own time schedule and dislike being pushed or prodded to make a decision.

6. That I say I’ll consider it—doesn’t mean I’ll do it. I-types are the world’s best procrastinators and imply that they will take many actions which are ultimately left undone.

7. You’re not going to tell me what to think or do. I-types feel trapped and backed against a wall when they perceive that the contributions they are expected to make to a relationship are externally dictated.

8. I had no control over that. I-types resent and balk at being required to stick to specific behavioral agreements with designated performance time lines.

9. I think that’s an exaggeration. I-types quickly point out extremes in thinking as in “You never….” or “You always….”

10. I never said I would do it by then. I-types are “logicians” who use precise logical arguments to throw you off the central point of the discussion.

11. It’s easier to be a saint than to live with one. I-types will criticize their talk partners for being too perfect and unreasonably expecting “perfect” relationship actions.

To be better communicators, we must become more able to walk in the shoes of our opposite communicator type.

TUNE IN, TURN ON, DROP THE GUILT

You know how I-types tune in to self, while E-types tune in to others. A mix or combination communicator type tunes in to everything and everyone. Can you be both types now? No, not until you study and use the “Talk to Me” system which is designed to make you a more confident communicator who appreciates the communicator strengths and Achilles heel of everyone.

WOMEN TALK MORE THAN MEN?

Here is a comment from a recent trainee: “You dispelled the myth that because my wife is a woman, that she doesn’t get it because I’m a man. My wife can take the conversation in a totally different direction, and I thought it was because she is an emotionally-based woman. But now I know that I’m an Instigator and my wife is an Empathizer. If we learn your communicator trait system, I believe we can learn to communicate better, and we won’t miscommunicate as often. Also, I can apply this to my profession. If I can put myself in the customers shoes, and understand where their coming from, I can go further in business, too.”

WHO IS DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.?

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is a Dayton region corporate trainer, relationship communications coach, and developer of the “Talk to Me” positive and effective communication system. “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” is Dennis’s third book, which is currently available at www.drogrady.com and at Amazon.com.

The Failure To Communicate

OPEN DOORS OF GOOD COMMUNICATION

Recently a communications coaching client queried me about the failure to communicate. He wondered what he must do to ensure that his communication partner accurately interprets and comprehends the information he’s trying to convey. What is needed to open the door to good communication?

WHEN HAS A PERSON FAILED TO COMMUNICATE?

“When has a person failed to communicate?” Actually, we don’t fail to communicate, we communicate at many spoken and implied levels of conversation. In fact, this question reminds me of the scene in the movie Cool Hand Luke when the warden said to Paul Newman, “Boy, what we have here is a failure to communicate!”

THERE IS NO FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE

There is no failure to communicate. However, communication can be unproductive and not useful when we communicate far more than we intend. Your key intention is to communicate trust, so the better question would go something like this: “Was what I said…or what I failed to say…productive for building bridges of trust in this interaction or relationship?” If trust or good will is weakened, then unproductive communication has occurred. If trust or good listening is strengthened, then productive communication has taken place.

YOUR INTENTIONS ARE IMPORTANT IN GOOD COMMUNICATION

This question makes me think of how important our intentions are in good communication. In fact, we can say “My intent is to build bridges or trust here, so I want to listen very carefully to what you have to say, including your dissatisfactions and disagreements. My mind is open to doing new things which would work out better for us all.” …Or something similar, that puts your intention in the center of the communicator table.

The sincere desire to improve communication at all levels of this client’s company started at the top…with the esteemed leadership. Knowing this, I have no doubt that the company’s initiative will succeed. The rewards realized from the positive changes implemented will amaze everyone involved!

ABOUT EXECUTIVE COACH DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton, Ohio, effective leadership communications psychologist, enlightening keynote speaker, executive coach, and corporate trainer. He wrote the book on good communication, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, which is available at drogrady.com or Amazon. Dennis also enjoys leading Listen Up! corporate and hospital training programs on effective listening skills.