All posts by : Dr. Dennis O'Grady

IF YOU CAN’T TALK ABOUT FEELINGS…YOU CAN’T TALK

Do you find it nearly impossible to listen as people discuss every aspect of their feelings? Join the gang! As a teenager, the Mission Impossible T.V. show was a favorite of mine. The part when the secret instructions played on the audio tape, which then burst into flames, made my teen day. Heck, as a teen I’m not sure I listened carefully enough to catch all the instructions! So, in my seminars now, I give clues where to find a 50 dollar bill in the meeting room. “You can put all the clues together if you really listen. Of course, ‘If you accept this mission of listening, I won’t disavow all knowledge that we ever spoke….'” Effective listening doesn’t have to feel like a mission impossible.

YOUR POSITIVE TALK ATTITUDE

How you hear a transaction can change how you respond. For example, What is that supposed to mean? can sound like curiosity or criticism. How you say what you say really matters. Is your listen-before-you-talk attitude a positive one? How to know:

You —

• Use an upbeat voice tone which conveys friendliness

• Transmit energy that you are curious instead of judgmental

• Nod your head to indicate that the speaker’s message is registering with you

• Clear your mind so you can really listen

• Give more than a minute to listen completely

• Pat yourself on the back for even trying

STARING AT YOUR WATCH OR TAPPING YOUR FINGERS ON THE TABLE?

Moreover, you don’t send out non-verbal clues — like staring at your watch or looking around the room — that suggest you’re impatient or peeved, nor do you sigh deeply or loudly tap your fingers on the table. You can’t hide your listening attitude of interest and curiosity vs. boredom and close-mindedness, so choose to be an attentive listener and stop blaming others for not talking openly to you.

TALK IS A TWO-WAY STREET

Do you talk by listening? Then what is, “Why don’t you talk to me?” supposed to mean? Does that imply that if I talk, you will listen open-mindedly? Well, in the Talk to Me© system, talk IS a two-way street. Not listening is summed up in this gem: “It’s my way or the highway. If you don’t like it, then you’ll just have to lump it and find your own way home.” Let’s be fair. Here are five key ways which enable communicators to be effective when talking to others and to the inner self:

1. First, ask good questions which don’t box a person in.

2. Second, actually listen to the answers without preconceptions.

3. Third, listen with the ultimate goal to understand the speaker.

4. Fourth, don’t interrupt by talking over or talking down to anyone.

5. Fifth, go back to first base and ask more directive questions.

WALK THAT TALK WAY

When you walk the talk of living life on a two-way communication street in your interpersonal world, get ready to go from the horse-and-buggy age to the jet plane era. As an innovative directive communicator, you won’t wait to get behind the steering wheel of your communicator car so you can follow the roadmap of good communication, you will take the initiative and start the engine, following the signs along the highway to ensure a smooth communication journey.

ABOUT EXECUTIVE COACH DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady wrote the book on good communication, called Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, available at drogrady.com or at Amazon. Dennis is a communications psychologist who leads Listen Up! workshops, which teach teams to listen better and become better communicators. These innovative workshops help doctors communicate better with patients, managers to communicate better with their employees, team members to build the spirit of Team Listen! and couples to find solutions to problems, opening up communication lanes on the two-way communicator highway. Dennis never tires of talking about the fine art of Talking to Listen, using his new talk technology. Dr. O’Grady is the original developer of the powerful new person-driven and leadership communication system called Talk to Me©. The self-study form of his system is found in his latest book. Get your roadmap to communication success today by consulting with Dennis O’Grady.

TAKE THE COTTON OUT OF YOUR EARS

Do you listen to hear, or are you just waiting to jump in and make your point at the expense of good talking? When your ears are stuffed with cotton, it’s as though money and opportunities fly right out of your communicator car window. Worse yet, you can end up in a fender bender or a talk collision. Tempers flare as the communication police arrive, and anxiety fills your ears with even more cotton. “Listen to hear!” will get you from here to there fast.

WHY SHOULD I TALK IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO ME?

70-75% of good communication is listening effectively. “God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason!” joked one of my entrepreneurial clients. As a communications psychologist and developer of the results-driven Talk to Me© system, I’m often asked:

If I want to be a better communicator, how can I listen better? I have extra trouble just hearing what’s being said or understanding what’s being implied, because my mind is like a busy intersection, with ideas and thoughts running red lights and stop signs. How do I slow down my mind so I can just concentrate and listen? I’m also prone to going to extremes by talking too much or not speaking up enough. How can I become an enlightened listener?

LISTEN TO ME

Now, those are great questions with some powerful answers. Listening is a skill, and you can become a better and more effective listener today with just a little practice. Why go there? Because not listening is akin to a loud radio with the bass booming, blaring out grating music from your communicator car and causing communication confusion for everyone around you.

SEVEN SIMPLE STEPS TO LISTEN TO HEAR

Taking baby steps will get you where you want to go before you can say, “Yankee Doodle Dandy.”

1. TAKE THE COTTON OUT OF YOUR EARS. Calm your mind by turning your full attention over to the speaker.

2. ASK AN OPEN-ENDED QUESTION. Ask an open-ended question that doesn’t evoke an automatic answer. For example, “What’s going well in your work today?” or “What one thing do you feel I can do better to assist you?”

3. STARE AT THE SPEAKER’S FACE, NOT INTO SPACE. You’re dead meat if you look at your watch, stare into space, fidget nervously, or pace around like a caged cat.

4. NOD YOUR HEAD IN AGREEMENT UP AND DOWN. Come on, it’s not too terribly hard to act like you’re listening! Who knows, you might end up actually listening for a change.

5. IN A NUTSHELL, REPEAT AND JOT DOWN WHAT’S BEEN SAID. Information overload is common nowadays because people talk fast to get everything in. Why? Speakers talk rapidly because they do not really expect to be heard after a minute. Do a listening check and jot down on paper what you think was said.

6. TURN OFF YOUR NOISY SELF-TALK IN YOUR SKULL. Easy does it. In your mind, you’re going 90 miles an hour down the Talk Highway. Ease up on the gas pedal and coast for awhile. You can’t really multi-task and listen effectively. Quiet thyself!

7. ASK ANOTHER QUESTION BASED ON WHAT’S ALREADY BEEN SAID. If the speaker runs out of gas, then and only then can you add your two cents to the conversation. OR, better yet, you can ask a follow-up question based on what has already been said. Talk about blowing a person away — you actually care enough to listen!

How many opportunities, that have been right under your nose, have you missed because you failed to take the opportunity to just listen to your customer, spouse, or teen? Too many! Always remember: Not listening equals money and love walking right out the front door of your business and home.

PRACTICING YOUR LISTENING SKILLS DAILY

Listening is one of the seven habits of highly effective communicators. Stephen Covey’s principles of, “First seek to understand, then to be understood!” or “Start with the end in mind!” ring true in my mind. Take a 60-second listening course today. It’s like taking a 60-second mental vacation which will help people talking with you feel more connected to you.

POSITIVE LISTENING RULES ON THE TWO-WAY COMMUNICATOR HIGHWAY

Listening is a little step that will seal a big deal right over the next hill on the communication road less traveled.

You build trusting relationships as you freely give the gift of active listening. It’s the same as making big deposits into the relationship savings account, from which you both can make withdrawals when times are tense. But you can’t improve your communicator car driving skills without practicing and engaging in a little coaching that’s directive and that focuses your positive intent, right?

There are two types of listeners and talkers with whom you should be intimately familiar, enabling you to walk the talk of: Positive listening rules on the two-way communication highway.

KNOW THY COMMUNICATOR TYPE OR THOU WON’T GET FAR

The steering wheels of E-types and I-types are on opposite sides of the car, as are the steering wheels on American and European cars. Do you know your communicator type and how your type prefers to listen and hear? If you don’t work with your communicator type, ignorance and making innocent but costly mistakes will ensure that your trip is cut short.

LISTENING CLIFF NOTES FOR EMPATHIZER AND INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATORS

Empathizer-type (E-types) communicators approach listening far differently than do their Instigator-type (I-types) communicator counterparts. Here are the Listening Cliff Notes for ways E- and I-types differ:

Type I: EMPATHIZERS. Won’t typically interrupt when someone’s talking, because it’s considered a sign of disrespect. E-types won’t jump in, interrupt, redirect, talk over, be pushy about a point, or say “no” without feeling guilty. Thus, much wisdom and knowledge of creative solutions to pesky problems lie dormant in their skulls. You can count on the fact that E-typers listen with “three ears.”

Type II: INSTIGATORS. Believe actively jumping into the flow of talk or interrupting is a sign of a passionate discussion and intelligent dialogue. I-types naturally and assertively put their ideas on the communicator table and easily influence people in conversation…or dominate in a debate. Thus, much focus of their innate leadership skills is “off the map” of what works best to solve emerging problems. I-typers listen with one ear — until trained to do otherwise.

You can take advantage of the strengths of both communicator types to net the biggest dividends for even your smallest feats of listening.

DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS

E-types listen from the viewpoint of, “I’m supposed to help others!” while I-types listen from their viewpoint of, “I’m supposed to help myself!” Neither is right or wrong, better or worse off…just different strokes for different folks. But if you don’t know your communicator type, or you don’t “match” the communicator type of your customers, then you will run into trouble as sure as running an engine without the oil lubricant.

INTENTIONAL LISTENING: THE ONE MINUTE LISTENER

Perhaps my next book will be The One Minute Listener or Listen to Me, using my advanced communicator theory. I realize it’s a stretch to adopt the strengths of your opposite communicator type…it just goes against the grain of your communicator style! For example, Empathizers need to jump in and direct the traffic flow of talk, while instigators should enjoy being in the passenger seat, passively allowing someone else to drive the team communicator car for a while. Why listen with the positive intention to hear? Because it works wonders and profits everyone. You will never hear without utilizing your listening skills once you experience the positive results.

WHO IS COMMUNICATIONS CONSULTANT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region relationship coach, corporate trainer, and keynote speaker. Dr. O’Grady is a communications psychologist who leads Listen Up! workshops, which teach teams to listen better and become better communicators. These innovative workshops help doctors communicate better with patients, managers to communicate better with their employees, team members to build the spirit of Team Listen! and couples to find solutions to problems, opening up communication lanes on the two-way communicator highway. Dennis never tires of talking about the fine art of Talking to Listen, using his new talk technology. Dr. O’Grady is the developer of the powerful new person-driven and leadership communication system called Talk to Me© . The self-study form of his system is found in his latest book Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone available at drogrady.com or at Amazon. Get your roadmap to communication success today by consulting with Dennis O’Grady!

YOU CAN’T TALK EFFECTIVELY WITHOUT FIRST LISTENING EFFECTIVELY

In 1972, I took my first effective listening course, when I was a residence hall manager at Michigan State University, to improve my communication skills as a peer counselor. Not much has changed since then. Listening is considered to be the cure to what ails you, as well as your key relationships. For example, a movement has begun to encourage doctors to listen better to patients’ concerns and questions, and patients to better understand their illness and their treatment, according to a July 25, 2007, USA TODAY article. In fact, there is a new national satisfaction survey aimed at assessing just how well doctors communicate with patients and how hospitals are held accountable. Boston patient advocate Jonathan Fine says, “Patients will turn to someone like me and say, ‘What did the doctor just say?’ They’re afraid to ask questions, and if they do ask questions, they don’t understand the answers.”

LISTENING VS. HALF-LISTENING

Positive talk rules on the two-way communication highway. Talk Rule: You can’t talk effectively without first listening effectively. An open mind is necessary when listening, as you attend to asking good questions and hearing the answers that pour forth. This seemingly easy task is not so effortless when emotions are strong, such as after receiving bad news about issues that threaten your health or wealth!

Here’s something else you ought to know — but probably don’t — about the listening side of the talk street:

1. Empathizer-type communicators (E-types) listen empathetically, while Instigator communicators (I-types) listen strategically.

2. E-types seek first to listen in order to understand the speaker better, while I-types want to give advice quickly to solve a problem.

3. E-types listen inclusively (listen with three ears), while I-types listen selectively (listen with one ear while multi-tasking).

4. E-types shut down when they feel talked down, while I-types debate harder when they feel talked over.

5. E-types are negatively perceived by I-types as not getting to the point fast enough, while I-types are negatively perceived by E-types as tuning out what they don’t want to hear.

ARE YOU HIP TO TALKNOLOGY?

Why even listen? Why ask directive questions? Why offer solutions to problems if no one seems to care about what you have to say? Excellent questions! Poor communication equals lost opportunities…unnecessary customer and spousal dissatisfaction…less money and peace of mind…and MANY untold opportunities flying right out the door!

A RESULTS-DRIVEN COMMUNICATION SYSTEM

Fact is, you’ll get positive results in all these areas when you tune in, for a change! But first, you’ve got to have a goal on which to focus your restless mind. The new “Talknology” goal of the results-driven Talk to Me© effective communication system is:

To listen up…to better listen with an open mind to our patients, customers, spouses, children, and ourselves, so that we can continually increase our personal performance power and improve our interpersonal effectiveness. Communicating effectively during stressful, emotionally tense times is where the real action is!

But how can you practice listening better a little each day to improve your listening skills?

OPEN-MINDED LISTENING TIPS

I’ve been paid to listen as a communications psychologist for 30+ years, and I haven’t begun to scratch the surface of the science of effective listening. That being said, here are a few general strategies to help you listen with the combined strengths of E- and I-types:

1. CALM YOUR MIND DOWN. A busy mind running a mile a minute doesn’t have the capacity to really hear what’s on someone else’s mind.

Listening Tip: Think — “I’m going to turn my full attention to the speaker now and tune out everything else that’s begging for my consideration.”

2. FOCUS YOUR ATTENTION. You can’t do three things at once and do any of them well. Give your attention unsparingly to whom you are talking.

Listening Tip: Think — “I can do this listening-with-all-ears-open thing by tuning in only to the message of the speaker and by actively listening to what’s being said.”

3. DISRUPT DOUBTS. You can’t hear a diverging opinion if you are talking negatively to yourself about how the speaker is a misguided idiot.

Listening Tip: Think — “Here I go again, thinking that the speaker doesn’t know what he or she is talking about. Enough of the Doubting Thomas stuff. Focus in and listen up!”

4. GO EASY. You will find that steps 1-3 won’t work for long before your mind is screaming to shut down and focus on its own self-oriented concerns, because you are a terribly busy and important person who has bigger and more pressing matters which need attention.

Listening Tip: Think — “O.K. Easy does it. Now is not the time to be the harried rabbit, running for all you’re worth to win the race. Slow is better…slow down you mind and listen up! You’re doing pretty darned good so far.”

5. TALK POSITIVELY TO YOURSELF. Even talk gurus need occasional encouragement to remember to use positive self-talk when the noise on the talk airwaves is blaring.

Listening Tip: Think — “My listening skills are improving a little every day in every way. Take a deep breath and relax! This might be a good time to summarize and repeat what I think I heard the speaker say. Ready?!”

6. CHECK IT OUT. When words pour out, it’s good to slow things down by summarizing the main point of what your communication partner has said so far. Example: “I hear you saying that you feel less than satisfied with how things have been going thus far, but you have a suggestion about how to make things better in upcoming days.”

Listening Tip: Think — “It takes courage to verify what someone else is saying, especially when emotions are running high and the speaker isn’t happy. Way to go!”

7. BACK PAT. Your arm isn’t too short to give yourself a good pat on the back for trying to become a better listener.

Listening Tip: Think — “O.K. Being a good listener automatically puts me in the spotlight, as I work hard to satisfy my customers and determine how I can progressively better serve them…important customers which include first, myself; secondly, with whomever I’m speaking; and thirdly, my spouse and children, who need to sound off sometimes. Keep up the good work of listening dude!”

SOUND OFF

Although Empathizer and Instigator communicators listen quite differently, the listening tips above work for both types of communicators. Since E-type speakers aren’t used to being heard–be prepared when you listen up! And since I-type speakers aren’t used to being in the passenger’s seat when communicating–be prepared to relax and take it easy once in a while. Relaxing, opening your mind, and going easy is what effective listening is all about.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region corporate trainer, event keynote speaker, and couples and family communication coach. Dennis is the developer of the innovative person- and results-driven Talk to Me© effective leadership and teamwork communication system. For 30 years, Dr. O’Grady has focused on improving effective communication, constructive team relationships, and change management. His latest book, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at drogrady.com or at Amazon.

Good listening shines a light in dark places, to help you find your way and move forward during difficult times. You get better at being an effective listener by trying to listen carefully to everyone you meet. How the effective communication principles in my book, Talk to Me, shine the light of listening on any subject:

1. LOOK DEEPLY INTO THE EYES OF YOUR TALK PARTNER. Focus your concentration on the eyes of the speaker, providing a hallway to the heart and a gateway to the soul.

2. TAKE A DEEP BREATH. Breathe…go on, now…easy…just relax…all you’ve got to do is listen. Notice how you aren’t hearing half of what’s being said, because your mind is too busy speeding along thinking?

3. CALM DOWN. Slow down your thoughts by emptying your mind of the ever urgent “I’ve got to do…” list.

4. LISTEN UP. Do your best to listen equally to the words — content — of what’s being said and to the feelings — process — of what it would be like, walking in the shoes of the speaker.

5. WRESTLE THE BIGGEST ALLIGATORS FIRST. Stop yourself from driving in the problem-solving lane of, “I’ve got to help them figure this out fast!” You will know what to do, if anything, after you’ve really heard what alligators your friend is wrestling.

6. HEAR WITH YOUR OWN EARS. Filter not! We all run what people say through multiple filters of what’s right or wrong, good or bad, normal or weird. Try to listen open-mindedly without filters for a whopping big change of talk scenery.

7. FIGURE OUT WHAT’S FACT OR FICTION. Fear can put a smoke screen over the road ahead by clouding the facts of a matter. Summarize what’s really true for you, given what you’ve heard with your own ears.

LISTENING IS A GIFT THAT LIGHTS THE WAY AHEAD OF YOU

As you encounter the authentic self and genuinely feel empowered to solve all kinds of complex life puzzles, truly listening is an unselfish gift you can give another person. Today, give freely of the gift of your full, undivided attention to those you respect or care about.

ABOUT DAYTON COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is an effective communication keynote speaker and workshop leader who delivers corporate training which actually improves communication fast, from top to bottom. Dennis is the original developer of the powerful Talk to Me© effective communication system. You can experience the benefits of O’Grady’s communication system directly by interacting with the 2 communicator types (and switch within the 4 talk lanes when one is closed) in his book by the same title. Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone is available by mail order at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.