The Cagey Communicator

SMART AS A FOX IN A CHICKEN COOP

A cagey communicator is a “smart as a fox” type you can’t really pin down, no matter how hard you try to. Cagey communicators steal the will of the people right from underneath their very own noses. They are able to convince you that what’s false is true, what’s up is down, and that the reason you frown is not their fault but is due to your own shameful unworthiness.

CAGEY COMMUNICATOR TRAITS THAT WILL ENSNARE YOU

There’s nothing “regular” about the “brainwashing” capacities of the cagey talker. Here are the leading traits of the cagey communicator that can make you feel like a caged animal who wants to run free:

1. DOESN’T LISTEN. Cagey communicators do not shut up and listen! They will go on and on and on, beating the same drab drum about what rules of right vs. wrong you and the group should fearfully follow.

2. IMAGE MAKER. Everything is smoke and mirrors in the sometimes Funhouse but most times Griefhouse of the cagey communicator. Impression management: You will be told and sold the approved social image that the cagey communicator wants you to believe.

3. INTRIGUE. You will be kept guessing as to the true identity of cagey communicators. However, they say a lot about the self all the time. That is, if you can believe that what they say they are, is what they say they are!

4. WILL BREAKER. You will feel coyly controlled, or that your freedom has been jailed, and you will feel forced to go along with their program — if you know what’s good for you.

5. COWARD. The cagey communicator escapes personal problems at all costs. Failures and conflicts are always about how what’s gone wrong is the fault of someone or something else, that is bad to the bone.

6. STIRS UP CONTROVERSY. Cagey communicators are dishonest about what they are truly feeling. Moreover, to take the heat of accountability off themselves, they will set fires in adjacent locations as talk distractions.

7. RELATIONSHIP DEFICIT DISORDER. There will be no “true” relationship or interpersonal closeness with people who matter most to a business or family. As soon as you get close, the cagey communicator pulls away.

8. HOOKS YA. Intermittent relationship reinforcement is used is used to keep you hooked and on the line. Thus, you will be the rat who is fed pellets by the cagey communicator, as long as you turn in the prescribed direction as instructed.

9. INSECURITY. Deep insecurity and old grief exist in the inner bowels of the cagey communicator, whose security is fortified by controlling others and by bending others’ will to their own purposes.

10. SMOKESCREEN. Claims to be fully committed, but isn’t. There are always two conflicting forces, such as two love partners or conflicting business alliances. What isn’t said but implied: “Although I’m always stuck in the middle doing the dirty work, at least I’m as needed as the tires on a car.”

11. UNCHANGING. Seldom does anything truly change inside the cagey communicator, but drama cycles around him or her constantly. Of course, you will be encouraged to dispense with some of your biggest talents, strengths, and assets, which will break your will and make you easier to control.

12. BLAMELESS. “It’s wasn’t my fault, because that’s not what I really meant!” is the escape clause that is often utilized by the cagey communicator. If you say something, doesn’t that mean that your word means something? Not to the cagey communicator, who manipulates a situation to get what he or she wants without the free consent of others.

13. HIT LIST. You will be widely rewarded, if you agree, or severely punished if you disagree or refuse to go along to get along with the unethically guided cagey communicator. Make no mistake about it…there are “hit lists” which are meticulously followed.

14. SUCK YOUR ENERGY DRY. The cagey communicator will put a long syringe into your skull, or a very long straw, and suck your last ounce of passionate energy dry. If you isolate or doubt yourself, you will dry up and blow away like dusty bones in the desert.

15. DON’T LEAVE ME! The cagey communicator will make you feel sorry for them, really, really sorry. It’s true! You will feel as if you’re stuck in a Tar Baby, and the harder you hit, the more stuck you will become. Don’t worry: There is always a next cast of players.

16. SHIFTING GRIEF. The ultimate dreaded inner issue that the cagey communicator refuses to turn around and look at is old grief baggage…very old. This unspoken grief is acted out or passed off to others in the form of guilt baggage.

The cagey communicator will not heal without ultimately dealing with intense grief issues.

TALK TO ME SYSTEM DATA

In my extensive studies using the Talk to Me system, I’ve found only 20% of communicators are cagey. That means 80% of us are straight shooters, who aren’t trying to get our way at the expense of others. Is there a difference among men and women? Gender speaking, 62% of manipulators are men and 38% of manipulators are women. But, oh my, how one bad apple can spoil the whole bunch, when allowed!

WHAT’S THIS GOT TO DO WITH HARRY POTTER?

I often hear “I don’t want to be associated with the cagey communicator any longer!” How do you break free of the cagey communicator? Well, you’ve got to leave, or fire them. That’s about the only two ways. You will work and try, and try harder, and work more and still nothing significant will change, at least for any extended period of time. Why is it so hard to leave them? Well, maybe they cause us to pull together as a group, activating our true inner powers for the good of all. That’s what happened to Harry Potter and friends when besieged by the cagey communicator called Prof. Umbridge.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region relationship communications expert, inspirational keynote speaker, corporate trainer, and experienced couples counselor. For 30 years, Dr. O’Grady has focused on improving effective communication among everyone, including in-love couples, at-work teams, corporate leaders, and families. Dennis is the developer of the innovative person- and results-driven Talk to Me© effective leadership and teamwork communication system. His book of effective interpersonal communication, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at drogrady.com or at Amazon.

7 Disadvantages Of Not Knowing Your Communicator Style

FEELING HURT FOR TOO LONG?

Closed-minded communication isn’t any fun. Being talked over, dismissively talked down to, or flat out ignored isn’t ever rewarding for anybody. In fact, your tension, lack of trust, inability to hear constructive feedback, defeatist attitudes, disruption in achieving important goals, low energy, and bad decisions ALL stem from poor communication habits. Simply put, poor communication makes you feel and act poorly.

ARE YOU A POOR OR RICH COMMUNICATOR?

I don’t believe that you can drive on the two-way communicator highway effectively if you haven’t been trained to know with whom you are talking, by communicator type. Yes, personality does play a role in communication, as does gender and family training. However, you can improve your communication markedly by knowing the 12 key differences (pages 206-211) of Empathizer-type (E-type) vs. Instigator-type (I-type) communicators. It’s simple, easy, and powerful to use. The Talk to Me system even works well during intense changing times of grief, too.

WHAT ARE THE DISADVANTAGES TO ME OF NOT KNOWING YOUR (AND MY) COMMUNICATOR TYPES?

Empathizer communicators feel and talk differently than their Instigator counterparts. “You can’t compare apples to oranges!” gets at the distinctions and preferences of each type. Disadvantages to you of not knowing if you’re an apple or an orange or working with your communicator style and improving as a communicator a little every day:

1. You will feel hurt for too long (E-type)…or hurt the feelings of others without intending to (I-type).

2. You will feel down and dismissed (E-type)…or make others feel dismissed and unimportant (I-type).

3. You will be angry at yourself (E-type) … or be resented and disliked by others (I-type).

4. You will shy away from being a strong leader (E-type) … or not garner creative teamwork (I-type).

5. You will react to problems instead of resolving problems (E- and I-type communicators).

6. You will make less money (E-type) … or feel more stressed by the money you do make (I-type).

7. You will feel stuck and blame yourself for feeling bad (E-type) … or feel stuck and blame others for your feeling mad (I-type).

Knowing your communicator type will help you pass the love of good communication on and on!

WHO IS DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region communications psychologist, relationship coach, corporate trainer, and keynote speaker. His areas of focus are change management, constructive team relationships, and effective communication. Dennis is the developer of the powerful new Talk to Me© effective listening and leadership communication training system. Copies of his book are available at www.drogrady.com and at Amazon. Get your roadmap to communication success today by calling and personally consulting with Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D.

12 KEY DIFFERENCES in Frame of Reference for Empathizer (E-type) and Instigator (I-type) Communicators

1. Interpersonal sensitivity vs. interpersonal insensitivity

2. Listening vs. half-listening

3. Behind the scene vs. star of the show

4. Interpersonal cooperation vs. interpersonal competition

5. Talking about a problem vs. fixing a problem

6. Relationship locus of control vs. internal locus of control

7. Low self-esteem vs. high self-esteem

8. Change resistive vs. change promotive

9. Hopelessness vs. powerlessness

10. Achilles’ heel loneliness vs. Achilles’ heel of boredom

11. Past focus vs. future focus

12. The emotional brain vs. the logical brain

From Talk To Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone, pages 206-211.

The Seer Leadership Subtype

THE COOL HEAD OF IMPASSIONED LEADERSHIP

A profit-driven company is a body that consists of a head (leaders), a heart (managers), and hands (rank-and-file employees). Some work can get done when one part isn’t operating well, but not for long. Without the cool head of impassioned leadership, for example, the heart still pumps hard and the hands are busy, but there is a great expense in the lack of coordination. The Talk to Me© system values each part equally and sets up a broadcasting system which enables the strengths of each player while disabling their weaknesses.

WHAT IS THE SEER LEADERSHIP SUBTYPE?

There are two communicator types (Empathizer vs. Instigator) and four leadership subtypes that can be identified during an interview or testing process, using the New Insights Communication Inventory–Leadership Scale or NICI-LS. If you are a SEER, you bring these strengths to the corporate or family communication table:

1. ABILITY TO “SEE” THE WRITING ON THE WALL. You are able to quickly see what new programs or directions will work for customers and which will automatically fail. You tell the truth and listen more than talk, to better know what’s really going on.

2. FAIRNESS FOR ALL. You are able to comprehend the fairness and equity of new decisions, as well as their impact on relationships, thereby avoiding costly mistakes. You dislike “I know best” or “I’m right and you’re wrong” ineffective leadership extremism. You care about people, not just about their money, and thus you can sleep at night.

3. UNCOMMON COMMON SENSE. You are able to live where the rubber meets the road, and you don’t fall for looking through “rosy pink colored glasses.” You may not have “book smarts” but you do have “street smarts.” Unlike many, you learn from life.

4. PREDICTIVE GENIUS. You are able to predict which strategies will fly or fail, based on your uncanny ability to look into the “crystal ball” of the future. An Achilles Heel for you, however, is that you get your knuckles bloodied trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

5. BREED CUSTOMER LOYALTY. You are able to command great respect and loyalty, not only because you put your customers’ needs first, but you also genuinely care about their satisfaction and frustration, over the long haul on the two-way communication highway.

5. FOCUS ON MEASURABLE RESULTS. You are able to take the pulse of team health and accurately measure how well things are going in the field, by how your customers and co-workers initially react to new programs or marketing ideas. You will give your weighty opinions and insights when asked, but too often you aren’t prudently consulted.

6. AUTOMATIC TWO-WAY COMMUNICATION. By anticipating how critical feedback might embarrass team members or force a reduction in their confidence, you are able to steer around many talk accidents and communication mistakes waiting to happen. You have uncanny relationship savvy.

7. OPPOSED TO DOING MORE OF WHAT ISN’T WORKING. You are able to see the target goals map, and when what is proposed or attempted isn’t working, you are open to the change of doing something different. You are confused and concerned when leaders stay stuck in the rut of doing more of what doesn’t work, thereby wasting time and money and cutting down team morale.

8. WISDOM EARNED THROUGH PAINFUL EXPERIENCES. You know through real life experiences, what “real people” like you will like and dislike, what they will pay for or despise. Therefore, you are an incredibly trusted adviser, one whose opinion is sought by the “average guy or gal” to decide if a product is worth the time and investment. Although humble, you do know best.

9. ROLE MODEL HOW TO GET ALONG WITH ANYONE. You are able to work things out when there is a conflict, and you are able to bring hidden agendas to the surface so they can be addressed. You know that just crunching numbers doesn’t inform you how people are going to respond or react.

10. SMART IS…AS SMART DOES. Forrest Gump, in the movie by the same name, is a Seer leader. Remember his uncanny wisdom in the phrase, “Stupid is, as stupid does!” Seers get what smart ideas are stupid communication moves. On the Talk Highway, stupid driving that chops down morale…cuts off top quality customer service…puts off vibes that don’t retain good employees.

A SEER leader shows respect to all levels, from the employee performing menial tasks, to the larger-than-life CEO.

SEERS TALKING

Seers, of course, have their weaknesses too. One weakness: to stay loyal to people who aren’t being loyal. The results-driven Talk to Me© system heals this Achilles Heel. A Seer leader recently told me:

How am I supposed to get all excited about something that’s not going to last, or doesn’t make sense, or has no qualities of being a good program? How am I supposed to sell what I don’t believe in? I have street smarts, but executive decisions are made on book smarts. Sometimes I think our core leadership can be too smart for their own good!

You can’t chop off the hands or legs of your team members and expect them to compete effectively in the race, either!

YOUR COMMUNICATOR SEER STYLE BY THE NUMBERS

How unique are you? 24.3% of all communicators in relationship to you (or leaders you interact with at work) are Empathizer-type extroverts or ETE’s. 7.4% of Seers are male, and 16.8% of Seers are female. Thank your lucky stars, Seers! Overall, about half of all communicators are Empathizer communicators, and half of all communicators you meet on Talk Road are Instigator communicators.

Lastly, don’t you find it astonishing that E- and I-type communicators are evenly divided between the sexes?! This sheds a whole new light on the brave new world of effective communication, and you give us all hope that equally men and women can relate more productively and effectively using new talk tools.

WISDOM BORN OF EXPERIENCE

If you’re a Seer, you have wisdom born of experience. You have uncommon common sense, and you are able to sense what customers will be attracted to and will pay for. Yes, you will scratch your head in frustration at why other team members or life partners can’t seem to see the writing on the wall as clearly as you. But no matter what, you must keep speaking up!

WHO IS COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton Ohio relationship communication coach. Dennis is the developer of the innovative person- and results-driven Talk to Me© effective leadership and teamwork communication system, which is also a marital and relationship enhancement approach. For 30 years, Dr. O’Grady has focused on the areas of effective communication, constructive team relationships, and change management. Dennis can be reached at 937-428-0724.

The Full Steam Ahead Team

What takes the steam out of your team or puts steam into the adventure? Is your team going full steam ahead, or are you all stuck in a rut with your communicator bus hitting big bumps in the road, threatening to throw you all off course? There is hard data suggesting that many of our esteemed dream teams — those who have trouble sleeping at night — are worried in the workplace, for fear of crashing into or being thrown under the bus.

IN WHAT RUT MIGHT YOUR TEAM BE STUCK TODAY?

How does your team compare with normative data? Below are the top concerns quantitatively described by 100 teams in the Dayton region and around the country. Research consistently highlights specific challenges teams face today…team members’ own perceptions of team strengths and weaknesses. The data is valuable because these findings are what real work teams say stress them out.

AREAS OF HIGHEST TEAM CONCERN BY THOSE IN THE WORKPLACE TODAY

According to an interview with Craig Rider, many sources of pressure in the workplace are such interpersonal dynamics and missed communication opportunities as:

1. TENSIONS (agitation, anxiety, fear, worry) in the workplace ripple out like a huge rock dropped into a pond. Intertwined tensions, such as too much to do at work and not enough time to get everything done, and the “You should be able to do more with less!” pressures from higher up unnerve the good person who strives hard to please. Fear of the unknown, whether it be what’s coming up or what’s going on, stems from not communicating clearly enough.

2. LACK OF TRUST among team members is a fast way to bring down a project. Trust in action is the implicit faith that I won’t do something to further myself at your expense, by climbing over you or harming you outright. In short, it’s a basic, “Am I safe with you?” Example: “If I tell you something privately, will it come out later on, twisted, to haunt me?”

3. Employees report they do not receive accurate constructive FEEDBACK about performance. Without accurate and ongoing feedback, team members begin to feel, “I’m in this all alone!” Both managers and employees can be blindsided by undiscussed performance results…difficulties or extraordinary achievements. A balance of good and bad news — in about equal proportions — needs to be openly and carefully communicated.

4. FEAR OF CHANGE. Team members can feel unduly threatened by change. “I had all this figured out, and now the game has changed, and I don’t know what the new game is or whether I will be able to succeed with my new assignment, or even if I’ll have a job.” Although we all wish things would remain the same, we no longer feel we can count on someone saying, “We don’t anticipate making any major changes.” The team needs to talk accurately about transitions, even those which are thought to be seamless.

5. CONFLICTING GOALS. Common or impassioned goals and rewards are not cooperatively emphasized for congruency. Although we talk teamwork, we still reward individual performances. Levels of responsibility and communication expectations between levels are unclear, resulting in less motivation to just talk when things aren’t going well.

6. POOR COMMUNICATION. When open lines of communication are lacking, clarity on important goals is missing. Such a lack of timely information-sharing makes it hard to establish activities and timelines — goals are not met in a timely fashion, if they are met at all.

7. Uneasiness, stressed out, unhappy, disillusioned employees who do not feel connected to others, experience the LOW MORALE characteristic of discontented team members. “Here we go again!” cynicism results in low energy and an empty energy gas tank. The belief that “more of what doesn’t work will continue as the mode of operations” will continue to mess up project partnering. Employees think, “Why even bother trying something new because it won’t stick.”

Good communication is the sum total of everything that transpires in the workplace and beyond.

HOW TO VIEW THE WHEEL OF PROGRESS AND TEAMWORK IN TODAY’S MARKET

Each stress or opportunity category above is linked to a common charge, much like the spokes coming out of the hub of a wagon wheel. Team tensions stem from poor communication, causing less enjoyment as team members work together. In short, as team tensions rise, enjoyment of the creative problem-solving process declines, and project progress regresses or stops.

TURNING THE TOP TEAM WEAKNESSES INTO UNSTOPPABLE STRENGTHS

In rare private interviews, worried team members revealed what they’d like to improve:

1. BETTER COMMUNICATION, especially between departments, is at the top of the list. This stops chasms from forming between and among departments and teams.

2. Second on the list is BETTER LEADERSHIP communication, accentuating common-ground agendas with everyone pulling in the same direction, to eliminate the tug-of-war of hidden agendas.

3. BETTER FOCUS with a defined map that all can follow in their respective communicator cars, comes in at third place. Clearly measurable goals with defined purposes and timelines help prevent getting all fogged in on the two-way communicator highway, resulting in going the wrong direction…away from goals and project progress.

Teamwork relies on better communication among everyone.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region corporate trainer, keynote speaker, couples counselor, and relationship expert. Dennis is the developer of the innovative person- and results-driven Talk to Me© effective leadership and teamwork communication system. For 30 years, Dr. O’Grady has focused on improving effective communication, constructive team relationships, and change management. His latest book, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at drogrady.com or at Amazon.

ABOUT THE RIDER GROUP

Craig Rider is a human performance consultant and president of the The Rider Group. His team surveys have been administered to teams in companies such as Huffy, Iams, Washington Inventory Services, Bank One, US Air Force, OhioHealth, Proctor & Gamble, and Goodrich. Data for this interview were obtained by administering the Rider Group’s Team Assessment Survey, which is equally effective with not-for-profit, professional groups such as legal, medical, government, court systems, financial institutions, and human services. Team survey results were evaluated for reliability and validity by Wright State University. Craig Rider can be contacted at www.RiderGroup.com or by calling (800) 648-8781.

What You Can Do Today To Become A Better Team Communicator

I’m often asked, “What can I do differently to improve my communication skills in the workplace?” Let’s speak realistically — for a change — about what you can do today to be a better team communicator. Well, just flip the teamwork coin over and adopt these positive viewpoints to promote open lines of communication in teamwork:

1. MAKE NO ONE THE FALL GUY OR GAL. Solve problems instead of trying to fix people or affix blame.

2. KEEP AN OPEN MIND TO HEAR NEW SOLUTIONS TO OLD PROBLEMS. Calm your mind and really listen to the opinions of those around you.

3. MODERATION. Look for the middle ground when you’re feeling too riled up emotionally. Refuse to go to extremes — don’t become a fear-driven or anger-driven griper and whiner.

4. FAIRNESS. Don’t expect others to behave in ways that aren’t demonstrated in your own walk of life. Example: How can you fairly expect others to be on time when you are perpetually late?

5. KNOW THE TWO COMMUNICATOR TYPES TO WHOM YOU ARE SPEAKING. If you can’t list three key differences between Empathizer-type and Instigator-type communicators, then you are not licensed to drive on the two-way communication highway.

6. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. We all need to be validated through even small recognitions that our efforts are far more appreciated than our goofs.

7. THINK BEFORE SPEAKING. You can drain your customer’s or co-worker’s bank accounts with a single episode or “out-of-mouth experience” that leaves psychic bodies strewn all around.

8. PUT AN END TO WORRYING. Disrupt your worry? Yes, the Talk To Me tools will help you quickly do away with unproductive worrying, which causes silos in the workplace to be built like mad and the resentment flu to spread.

9. KEEP LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN. Talking openly is frequently uncomfortable because we are often in the midst of the unknown, seeking to find out why what we’ve been doing hasn’t worked and why we still persist in doing it.

WHAT CREATES A STRONG TEAM?

A strong team is created anew each day by using clear goals and open and honest communication, while looking for ways to acclaim instead of blame.

WHO IS COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region corporate trainer, keynote speaker, relationship communication coach. Dennis is the developer of the innovative person- and results-driven Talk to Me© effective leadership and teamwork communication system. For 30 years, Dr. O’Grady has focused on improving effective communication, constructive team relationships, and change management. His latest book, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at www.drogrady.com or at Amazon.