Let’s Be Negative And Positive About Teamwork

Perhaps you’re thinking, “Here we go again, talking about teamwork — but leaders just talk the talk and don’t walk the walk.” Well, you’ve got a point. Teamwork begins with good communication — first, with yourself; secondly, with whomever you’re talking; and thirdly, with your identified customers. Open and positive communication creates satisfying interactions with everyone.

TEAM TALKS

Let’s take a quick look at each side of the teamwork coin, the negative and the positive. The answers below come from an Instigator-type extrovert, Jerry Rex, who is the president of Morris South, Machine Tools Systems, which is a thriving privately held company.

WHAT CREATES A STRONG TEAM?

Clear goals and open, honest communication, along with a willingness to give credit where credit is due.

WHAT DISRUPTS A SMART TEAM?

Lies and secrets, hyper-active egos, incompetence, lack of effort.

WHAT ONE THING MAKES TEAMWORK DIE?

Lack of fairness or failure to engage the team.

WHAT ONE THING HELPS TEAMWORK FLY?

A common goal or mission with which everyone can relate.

ARE YOU MESSING UP COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY, OR ARE YOU IMPROVING YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS A LITTLE EVERY DAY IN EVERY WAY?

Why can’t we just talk and listen to each other in a neutral mindset? We can when you use the Talk to Me© effective leadership communication system.

Let’s take a look at how to be negative. Here’s how to mess up teamwork with yourself and others:

1. SOMEONE ALWAYS HAS TO BE THE FALL GUY OR GAL. Making excuses and blaming others for failing to implement “little steps” to solve problems starves teamwork.

2. MENTAL RUTS AND TALK STALL-OUTS close your mind to new possibilities. Always needing to be right takes you down the wrong talk street.

3. EXTREMISM…either/or versus both/and thinking…is like putting your foot down on the accelerator as you near the end of a dead end street.

4. CHOKE HOLD ON THE STATUS QUO. This unfairness is created by infighting or by trying to unfairly control information, creative solutions, credit, partnering, or crucial resources.

5. You COMPARE APPLES TO ORANGES when you believe people should use your communicator style of Empathizer or Instigator, when in fact, they are your opposite communicator type who motivate and hear things differently.

6. UNPROVOKED CRITICISM occurs when someone you trust turns on you, dressing you down in public — a customer, boss, or coworker venting an angry spleen on you, leaving you upset and reeling.

7. MENTAL ANGUISHING clouds your mind with worries and woes and helps to spread the blues around at work, making you and others anxious.

8. By refusing to talk to people, or by holding back helpful critical feedback, you CUT OFF COMMUNICATIONS because you don’t want to hurt someone else or risk being shot down.

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION ALWAYS LEADS THE PACK

Today companies everywhere realize that by using cutting-edge communication tools, they will have a greater edge over their competition. On what one thing does everyone agree? “If we can communicate better, our team will be able to effectively and creatively solve emerging problems, and our profits and team morale will grow.” Good teamwork begins with you and me…which means that you and I must first walk our respective talk.

WHO IS COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is an effective communication keynote speaker and workshop leader who delivers corporate training which actually improves communication fast, from top to bottom. Dennis is the original developer of the powerful Talk to Me© effective communication system. You can experience the benefits of his communication system directly by interacting with the 12 dimensions of the 2 communicator types (and switch within the 4 talk lanes when one is closed) in his book by the same title. Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone is available at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.

Power On Control

You would think that Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators are emotional and relationship experts. And they are. Yet long-fused E-types time and time again allow themselves to be bossed around by negative Instigator-type (I-type) communicators in the workplace and the homespace. How, you might ask? By falling for the emotional manipulation of the Instigator-type (I-type) communicator, in the form of guilt trips, causing E-types to back down from staying centered in their positions.

GOING ON A GUILT TRIP AGAIN?

“You hurt my feelings and are causing me to feel really bad!” is the primary relationship manipulation and emotional blackmail that negative I-types successfully use against “too sensitive” communicators. In short, here’s how my beloved E-types take a life detour by going on a guilt trip. A negative I-type rebukes the positive E-type with this implied message:

Shame on you. You are causing me great personal anguish that I would otherwise not be experiencing if you weren’t so mean to me. But you can make it all up to me by being nice again. I thought you were nice, but the way you are treating me is wrong. You should be ashamed of yourself for being so unkind and irrational. Don’t you know anything about the golden rule? Now get back in line or I won’t speak to you, or I’ll cause a loss to befall you that you will regret.

Get this: The debater is NOT actually feeling hurt. The negative I-type is just ACTING hurt to have his way. He doesn’t feel hurt! Duped again?

HOW IT’S SO-O-O EASY TO MAKE AN EMPATHIZER COMMUNICATOR CARRY YOUR GUILT

Distressed and under stress, you should know that E-types blame themselves for relationship troubles, while I-types blame others or the situation. E-types rope themselves to anchors and throw themselves into an Olympic size pool of pity…and expect themselves to swim effectively. Not! How to make an E-type go on a guilt trip:

1. KEEP THEM GUESSING. If you aren’t predictable in what you say or do, the anxiety of E-types will go through the roof.

2. BE THE SLEDGEHAMMER. If you talk over E-types, talk down to E-types, cut off E-types in mid-sentence, keep repeating stupid viewpoints to E-types, frown disapprovingly or snort in superiority — then you will make most E-types shrink away and feel cowardly.

3. FICTIONALIZE. E-types are suckers for words, actually believing that people mean what they say, not saying whatever will force their way. People can find excellent ways to fictionalize — making up stories, whipping up “What if the sky falls down on you” drama; stuffing “I couldn’t do anything about it” excuses down your throat; or psychocritiques of your good character. Net result: The E-type’s mouth is taped shut.

4. ROCK THE BOAT. Negative I-types have learned that when they are losing the war, the best way to distract the opposition is to wage another battle on a vulnerable front. This is also called “stirring the pot” or “standing up for what’s right,” which translated means “I will have my way at your expense now, because all is fair in love and war, and this is relationship war.”

5. CRY-POUT-SHOUT OR OTHERWISE GET ALL EMOTIONAL. E-types’ faces melt when tears or other tender emotions are displayed. So my esteemed I-types, if you aren’t getting your way using any other tactics, then boo-hoo and cry, or go into a fit or a wild-eyed rage. It works like a charm every time.

Are you tired of being nice, Mr. Nice Guy or Ms. Nice Gal, my dear E-type? I bet so. You are prone to getting whacked out by extreme thinking and extreme emotional displays of being hurt. Well, it’s time to make this all about you, isn’t it?

ARE YOU DEALING WITH A SCRAPPY OR A CRAPPY COMMUNICATOR?

Are you dealing with a crappy or scrappy communicator? Chances are your talk opposition isn’t feeling hurt at all, but simply making cool calculated communication moves to have her way at your expense. In short, the negative talker is just fictionalizing or doing some pretty convincing psychodrama to force you to back down emotionally. Hey, they’re just tricks of the guilt talk trade, y’all. Well, my respected Empathizer communicator, your blue communicator car will veer off the two-way communicator highway if you listen to such bad communication crapola. And whose fault is that? Now who’s in the driver’s seat of your life?

WHO IS COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is an effective communication keynote speaker and workshop leader who delivers corporate training which actually improves communication fast, from top to bottom. Dennis is the original developer of the powerful Talk to Me© effective communication system. You can experience the benefits of his communication system directly by interacting with the 12 dimensions of the 2 communicator types (and switch within the 4 talk lanes when one is closed) in his book by the same title. Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone is available at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.

Decent Betty

Deep peace to you my dear mother.

My mother, Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady, would be very happy to see your beautiful faces today in celebration of her life. Oh, how Mom valued celebrating life passages with respectful traditions shared with family and friends.

Some of you knew my mother as Betty…some of you knew my mom as Aunt Betty…or as Grandma O’Grady. I had the honor of knowing my mother as MY MOM for 55 years when the times were a-changing. You should know that my brother, and steadfast ally and friend, Al, of course has me beat in the “years knowing Mom” category. No, I’m not calling Al old, but whoever said sibling rivalry was dead was obviously an only child!

Expectantly, I here stand before you today…completely thankful…and feeling completely blessed for your friendship…and completely awe-filled at the genuine expressions of love and respect for my mother, Betty O’Grady. And so, I will not hide from your eyes or ears…the truth coming from my shattered heart. Although I may be the second born son of Betty Merrill O’Grady, I am my mother’s number one fan. You should know, of course, older brother Al feels the same way….

Now I do not hide from any of you this painful emotional truth. Since April 15th, 2007– when my mother changed neighborhoods — I’ve been absolutely broken-hearted…filled with grief…dreadful longing…bittersweet loneliness…BUT with absolute love unfailing for you, my dearest mother. For your life of loving, Mom, stood for so much that is purely and simply unforgettable to me. Like what being a decent human being means.

Simply put, there is a huge vacancy sign on the hotel of my heart….

But I am also VERY exhilarated today…glad not sad…expectant and faith-filled…celebratory and ready to ride across the waves of deep oceans filled with spectacular emotional mysteries. Today, we all get another chance to dance joyfully to the message of my mother’s life, and pass the love on….

The astonishing final two weeks of my mother’s life in Sarasota were inspiring and grace-filled. Together, Al and Ginny and I bravely kept talking to Mom as we watched her physically pull a disappearing act right before our very eyes…by growing slighter and weaker…between sunup and sundown…as the days slowly ticked by.

Mom was so brave. Just as she was the leader of her life, she was also in the driver’s seat of her own death and dying process. She comfortingly repeated to us: “I’m not in any pain. It’s all going to be all right. Death is gentle.” Mom talked as if she would live forever…and there was nothing whatsoever…for any of us…ever…ever again…to worry about.

Here are a few more of Mom’s words from her final days, whispered about the meaning of her life:

I can’t believe how lucky I am, and how lovely you are. I’m just so lucky. I was so lucky…lucky…lucky that God blessed me to have you in my life. I always tried to be good. I wanted to be kind and honest with people. I wanted to honor the people I met. I wanted to try to give the extra-loving measure. There’s enough criticism around…I just wanted to be kind and decent. I wanted to be honest and decent, not hateful and mean. I wanted to live a single purpose of love. I just wanted to be kind to everybody.

So hear me say again how proud and profoundly pleased I am to be authentically able to shout from the rafters: “My mother was a decent human being.”

Duck Out Now And Then For Some Back Porch Prayers

Hey, Mom. How’s it been going in Heaven? You must have heard my back porch prayers this morning, while I was sitting on the back porch, staring into the deep back woods.

I just don’t know if I’m strong enough for all this grief stuff, Ma. I feel so sad and so full of sorrow, kind of like a sharp pebble is grinding away against the soft skin of my foot in a shoe that’s too tight when I’ve got to run fast.

I know that men who value emotional communication and close trusting relationships, feel this way. That’s just the way it is. But Mom, in the past I would’ve called you when I was missing you. Now, who do I call to hear your sweet voice?

KEEPING ALL YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW

I’m still using the Talk To Me© system of effective communication, Mom. I used it in the final two weeks of your life and loved how we all talked together so deeply and completely. You, of course, were an Instigator-type extrovert or “the Leader.” I was surrounded by Instigator communicators when I was growing up!

You were so brave. You were in the driver’s seat of your own death and dying process.

Mom, I am your number one fan. So I keep using all four gears in my communicator car, the four communicator modes, to talk to you. I’m using the Emotions mode now. Although it is the most challenging talk mode for me to talk through, I love the positive results.

Mom, I know you can hear me. Are you still helping me keep all my ducks in a row?

IT’S WATER OFF A DUCK’S BACK

In my sad back porch, early morning prayers, I was calling out, “Talk to me, Mom!” And you did.

You doubled up on the ducks this morning. Two colorful mallard ducks made me stop my car as both stepped non-chalantly across the street on my way to work. You’re driving me crazy with those stupid ducks, Ma!

Did you think I was that bad off that I needed two colorful messengers? Well, you were right! The water wasn’t easily flowing off my back. I’m trying to remember to “be like a duck and fly through all types of foul weather.”

DEEP PEACE TO YOU MY DEAR MOTHER

You took flight Mother Butterfly. At 86 years-young, you had to go, you needed to move on. And I needed to set you free.

Godspeed to you my beloved mother. You practiced what I heard preached in church without clucking about how you should get credit for being a good person. You were “Decent Betty”… a decent human being.

I’m passing the love on, Mom! I’m enjoying being the man you knew as a boy and grown son. Hey, please keep talking to me!

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is the proud second son of Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady. Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone is dedicated to his mother and to all the wild ducks of the world who remind all of us that we indeed are not alone. Lonely perhaps, recipient of sad, teary rainstorms for sure, but we’re not alone. Being lonely, and speaking about it, is courageous, not weak. Even the “Talk General” who is growing as a result of using the Talk To Me© system of effective communication, cries tears to a mountain of grief. You and your partner, close friends, and family members can learn to talk through grief and feel closeness and happiness growing, instead of shrinking. In short, you really can learn to talk to each other during emotionally stormy, difficult couple or family times. This “General of Talk” knows beyond any shadow of doubt, with the backing of the Talk To Me© system, you can really learn to talk better to anyone.

You Know You’re In Trouble When You Start Seeing Ducks

I was shrouded in sadness and loneliness, riding low on energizing fuel during a full, double blue, June moon early one Friday morning. I tried to talk to my wife about it. I told her how drained I was. How I was feeling sad and vulnerable, as if spikes of grief from Mom’s passing were sinking into the soft parts of my heart and taking up residence there. I was bleeding tears, and I knew it.

BE LIKE A DUCK AND FLY THROUGH FOUL WEATHER

In a previous inspirational article, I shared my personal story of good grief called, Be Like a Duck. The piece was about a stupid wooden mallard duck that Mom persisted I put on my home hearth after she passed on…that same blasted dumb wooden duck that I had under my arm when a silver-haired, sparkling-eyed Sarasota airport security guard said, “I haven’t seen many wooden ducks come through here, Mister.”

The guard understood the implied message that Mom was trying to send to me — “Be like a duck and fly through foul weather, Denny! I know this time isn’t going to be easy time for you or your brother. I know Kerry and the kids will have a go of it, too. Don’t lose hope, and don’t fear. I will always be near.” It was foul emotional weather right now, all right. I was crying and howling in a rainstorm of grief, and no one could hear me.

WHY DON’T YOU JUST TRY TO TALK ABOUT IT?

“Why don’t you try to talk to your wife about this?” I coached myself. “Nah, the sun isn’t even up, and Kerry’s got a long list of things to do, and I would just be bothering her with these grief spikes that she can’t do anything about, anyway. What can she do about it? Bring Mom back? Kerry’s got her own problems. I’m not supposed to bother anyone with my messy grief emotions. C’mon sport. It’s a full moon…this too shall pass.” All of this internal conversation with myself was nothing more than a bunch of lazy communication spiraling downward in an emotional toilet.

VENTING: WHY TALKING ABOUT EMOTIONS IS SO DICEY

Well, I tried to talk, and the talk pretty much went nowhere. I didn’t need cheering up. I didn’t need being told that Mom’s in a better place. I didn’t need to hear that there’s nothing to fear. I didn’t need to be talked over or interrupted. I guess I just needed to vent…. But talking about emotions is SO dicey, even between two lovers who long ago fell in love. Only the brave need go there. So I talked a little while, then gave up on the prospect with a curt, “This is why our communication gets cut off. You think you’ve got to do or say something profound. I just need to hear myself talk and see that you care and have compassion for my personal struggle.” Well, maybe it sounded a whole lot rougher than that….

SWEATING TEARS: DO POSITIVE THOUGHTS DRAIN OUT OF YOUR BRAIN?

So I drove off to work with a double blue, full moon hovering off my left shoulder in the daybreaking light. Frankly, I felt irritated, lonely, morose, flat out sad. “Grumpy” as one of my daughters likes to say. Now, truth be told, I had completely forgotten about the whole stupid duck thing as I was driving to my office sweating tears through this humid morning and hazy first day of June. Here I was frowning and feeling down and out, my energy spiraling down into a bottomless pit, and me, completely forgetting my mom’s earlier message.

Leave it to me….I reliably forget positive thoughts when I’m feeling negative — they drain out of my brain, through big holes of a mental sieve.

I could give a gigabyte about much of anything or anyone, because I was feeling SO sad and lonely, and boy, I wasn’t at the top of my game or even in sight of the self-esteem peak or the confidence mountain top. I had completely forgotten about that stupid duck metaphor, anyway. Thank you all the ducks in heaven!

SEND IN THE DUCKS

Up ahead, in front of me, as I was driving along and emotionally musing about my total morning misery, there were two colorful ducks, contemplating walking across the street in front of the Washington Township Post Office! Those flapping ducks! Two mallards this time were about to walk across this 45 mph speed zone that was known for automobiles that behaved like airplanes.

I slowed down, put on my emergency lights, and stopped. The oncoming car did the same. Two stupid ducks. One who had ventured out into the street first, the other waiting on the curb to see if any feathers would fly. When the first was halfway across the street, the second duck hopped down off the curb and calmly followed his buddy across the street. Stupid ducks. Whoa! What was that message Mom sends from above to all of us feeling down about feeling like a sitting duck?

BEEN FEELING LATELY LIKE A SITTING DUCK?

Oh yeah, “Be like a duck and fly through foul weather.” And, “Feel what you do, without flipping out, then let the intense emotions of grief roll off your back…water off a duck’s back!” In my mind I heard Mom saying, “Go easy on pressuring yourself, Denny. Be self-encouraging, instead. Don’t retreat, and don’t back down. Don’t just not show up for life. If you fail, fail because you tried, not because you failed to try at all.” Geez, Mom.

SHOW UP FOR LIFE

Talking about feelings of grief is easier said than done. At least this communications psychologist thinks so.

ABOUT DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is a relationship communications psychologist and corporate trainer. He is the proud second son of Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady, and loving husband and father. Dennis is also the developer of the Talk to Me interpersonal communications training system, a systematic and solutions-driven approach to better communication.