Dying As You Live

Watching my mother gladly live the final weeks of her life made my face melt. “Denny, I’m really feeling peaceful and not in any pain at all.” Mom was not fitful, unhappy, scowling, or living her celebratory days as a member of the blame gang. As a psychologist, as I walk now in this world, I see hardened faces glazed over with non-emotion and apathy, or smiling with inauthentic certainty that life is just ducky. Are we half-lifer Zombies? People act as if they can cheat death by not being completely alive.

YOU LIVE AS YOU DIE

Everything’s never going to be right, but you can feel all right about living your life in ways that make you happy or glad to be alive. Signposts that you’ve lost your way:

  • You feel bitter and angry
  • If things aren’t perfect, you are emotional toast
  • Kids feel the weight of your guilt trips
  • Nothing’s ever good enough for you
  • Young children don’t make you laugh
  • You blame “time starvation” or being “too stressed out” for depriving others of your positive attention and respect.

Being brave of heart means you have the courage to live in times of uncertainty, and you can live with a broken heart, though you would choose not to do so. Of course, if you never get really close to people, when they leave or die your life isn’t much changed.

YOU DIE AS YOU LIVE

What expert communicators who die in each second know about the joys of living alive:

1. You don’t look in the mirror and see yourself acting like your mother or father. Expert communicators don’t look down or up at their parents but eye-to-eye.

2. You don’t care much for control, because you know the bottom can drop out of your life at any second. Expert communicators seek first to control their moods and “out-of-mouth” experiences that put people off.

3. You laugh. Expert communicators laugh at fear in the face, fear that makes us suffer and die a thousand deaths before our time.

4. You cry. Expert communicators with a sharp pebble in their shoe, which will eventually hobble them, walk extra miles alongside another, providing comfort, support, and friendship.

5. You struggle. Expert communicators make many talk mistakes, and they take time to learn from their mistakes in order not to repeat them.

6. You don’t let your past baggage weigh your marriage or partnership down. Expert communicators realize that all three time zones of past regrets, present pitfalls, and future worries can control them if allowed.

7. You don’t suck the energy out of the people who care for and love you. Expert communicators give more than they take, while not allowing anyone to take unfair advantage of them.

8. You don’t chase people away when they get too close. Expert communicators like hugs, eyes that dance, a tender touch, a small gesture of kindness that implies, “I’m with you here and now.”

9. You don’t let fear make you fret that your “stuff” is going to get taken away. Expert communicators don’t find winning to be as important as weathering the emotional storms of life.

10. You don’t think of evolving, growing and changing as a killer. Expert communicators study how change technology is a force that can be used for advantage or disadvantage.

11. You don’t beat anyone up mentally, especially yourself. Expert communicators talk in quietly comforting ways to the inner self, especially when they are embarrassed, hurt, or mad.

12. You don’t treat anyone as an icon to obey. Expert communicators work with divine powers and look for the best in people, and they don’t shut down for long after finding the repugnant side of “half-lifer zombies.”

13. You don’t attack when you don’t get your way. Expert communicators want to make their way down the two-way communicator highway, not get their way at the expense of a close relationship.

ARE YOU A HALF-LIFER ZOMBIE, DRIVING ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL OF YOUR COMMUNICATOR CAR?

Heck, of course you’re an expert communicator. You realize there’s only one way out of this life, and this life is what you make it. Are you alive today, living your life with an open heart and strong back that can shoulder the emotional realities of a changing environment? Mom looked at me in her final days and said, “I hope I’m showing you how to die well.” We all have a thing or three to learn from the dying, who showcase how to live a life as a loving communicator.

ABOUT RELATIONSHIP PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region psychologist who provides private therapy for couples and communications training for corporations. Dr. O’Grady’s pioneering interpersonal communications theory will help you get along with anyone, even the difficult or annoying people in your life, and make you a better communicator. His entire communication system is the focus of his third book called “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone,” which is available at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.

When’s The Other Shoe Going To Drop?

I hear it every day from clients I coach in communication skills… “I’m spooked because great things are happening so fast. I wasn’t struggling at all, and I was in a peaceful zone. When’s the other shoe going to drop?” The fear of success ending abruptly, or embarrassing failures lasting forever, haunt some of the best people I know. It doesn’t have to be that way.

MY MIND IS MORE FREE, CAREFREE AND FOCUSED USING THE TALK TO ME COMMUNICATION SYSTEM

There is also a terrible irony to the combustible mix of fear and success. You can be a big success and still screw up big time. For example, a respected and esteemed executive coaching client of mine — let’s call him Dick — recently asked me:

“Good things are happening. I now know what the dynamic is behind that…it’s my better understanding of my communicator leadership subtype. Now, Dennis, how can I better handle the success that’s unfolding? I’m watching the company blossom right before my very eyes. We’ll reach and FAR exceed targeted expectations. If I’m not careful, though, I’m going start panicking and shoot myself in the foot or trip others up with my lip.”

Your mind is a terrible thing to misplace. You don’t want to panic when times are great or when times are grim! And who says executive leaders with big egos and dreams can’t learn to become sensitive communicators?

INVENTERS ARE GENIUSES AT INVENTING RESULTS

Why is this savvy business leader able to produce powerful results that appear almost magically? Well, here’s why: Dick’s leader subtype is called “Inventer.” Inventers make up about 20% of our population. They are enormously able to PRODUCE POWERFUL RESULTS, positive or negative, for good or ill. When focus is lost, Inventers can become destroyers.

HOW TO KNOW IF YOU’RE AN INVENTER LEADER? ARE YOU ABLE TO MAKE PEOPLE BLOSSOM OR WITHER AND SHRIVEL?

Are you able to make people blossom, or wither and shrivel? According to the Talk to Me effective leadership communication system, if you have this ability then chances are you’re an Inventer leader. So I told Dick, whom I admire and love,

You know you have a green thumb to make people and businesses blossom right before your very eyes. It’s astonishing, but you already knew that, Dick! You have that special knack, and personal power, to produce powerful positive results, as if by magic. Likewise, you can use that power to rip out the lungs and heart of those you talk to, whenever you panic and react by behaving or talking in self-defeating ways. It’s your choice. You are able to make projects, results and people around you blossom or wither and shrivel.

“My mind is more free,” is a result you will experience by using the Talk to Me system.

HERE’S HOW TO HANDLE THE SUCCESS THAT’S UNFOLDING

You, too, get to chose whether you use your communication powers in positive or negative ways. Here’s what I recommend for “inventive leaders” to handle the success that’s coming your way:

1. KNOW YOU HAVE A GREEN THUMB. Become aware that what you touch blossoms and what you ignore shrivels up or dies.

2. ENJOY THE RIDE. Don’t be a dry drunk on a temporary high of success, or don’t hang on too tightly to the steering wheel of your life, causing your knuckles to turn white.

3. FEEL THE LOVE. Experience how you are liked, loved and looked up to. Breathe! You’re going to win big, emotionally and financially.

4. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BRING YOUR FEARS TO LIFE. You must find ways — that don’t strip you of joy — to help you enjoy this trip in the present moment.

5. WHY PANIC NOW? Instead, enjoy the power to produce such HUGE results. Why panic about running into a disaster of a communication car wreck when you have master control of which way the vehicle goes?

6. NO, YOU’RE NOT GOING TO SCREW THINGS UP AGAIN. Sure, you can really mess things up, but that doesn’t challenge you to feel the full joy of using your mind.

7. NO PAIN…MORE GAIN. You’ve got the power! You don’t have to struggle at all, because much of it is make-believe after all. Also, your sincere compliments are more precious than gold, and they aren’t a sign of weakness, either.

8. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO BE AWE-FILLED OR AWFUL. By using the Talk system, “funny little things” will come into your mind to say or do, and that will cause you to prosper. That’s “the light bulb went off” effect. You will feel your mind is more free, and you will experience freedom from relationship chains.

SMALL ACTIONS ALWAYS NET HUGE REWARDS

Whether a company, couple, or family unit, when you use the Talk to Me system, results happen fast and last, no matter how long a problem has been around. Meaning: small new actions seem to lead to large rewards. Client example: Focusing 10 minutes daily on a pet work project, instead of being ruled by urgent time emergencies.

WHEN IS THE OTHER BLESSING GOING TO DROP INTO YOUR LIFE?

By using the Talk system, “When is the other shoe going to drop?” is replaced by, “When is the other blessing going to drop into my life?” An example this morning was a communications client who received an unexpected raise.

EVERY CELL AWAKE AND TINGLING NOW?

When you embrace your success, you will feel that every cell in your body is awake, tingling and smiling with pride at the deep feelings of satisfaction that you’re experiencing. You will probably make mega-millions of dollars, one more time, but this time you are going to enjoy the ride. You will feel a profound sense of peace and gratitude; you will smile more; and the people you mentor will share in these good tidings, too. Just you try it and see for yourself!

ABOUT CORPORATE TRAINER AND RELATIONSHIP COACH DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

The Talk to Me system is designed to help you help yourself stop stewing…or screwing things up in your life. And you don’t need to stew any longer, or worry about what all bad dreadful gunk is going to happen to you when you’re not on guard. You now seek the middle road…instead of going to extremes. You now have nothing left to prove…instead you’ve got a whole bunch of life to enjoy. You now don’t try hard to be right, instead knowing that trying to be right turns out wrong most times. But you already knew that! Water your career and relationship life, and make them blossom, by experiencing your mental powers to create and nurture.

I know you want to use your communicator style in powerful and positive ways, because what you touch turns to gold, too. You can’t disagree. You can turn people on, and you can turn people off. It’s nothing to feel intimidated by! You get to create to your heart’s content.

Not messing up your success is a small new action that nets interpersonal dividends AND helps you to enjoy the ride along the way. In short, peace of mind deepens and anxiety lessens. As another client told me, “I’m now able to be in the zone, the peace zone!” So why not feel alive, every cell in your body smiling, as you stop getting in your own way.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the president and founder of New Insights Communication, and the father to a new communications approach that will open your mind to receiving new results that you’re going to love and enjoy. Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone is now available at www.drogrady.com and at Amazon.

Delete The Disturbing People In Your Life?

Have you ever secretly wished you could annihilate all the stupid people in the world? I have, so do tell me the truth. If you had a delete button to eliminate the disturbing people in your life, would you push it? If you could erase all the self esteem-shredding statements which people have said to you, would you? Or would you work with the disturbing emotions and leave alone the people who disturbed you?

WHY GO NUTS WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE CONTROL

Do you know anyone who lives by a “whiny manifesto?” Do you know a member of your work or family group who doesn’t think he or she has any problems or issues that need to be dealt with? Who doesn’t….

Disgruntlements that disturb us mightily, that you and I can change:

1. I CAN’T LET OTHERS BE MY WORRY. Why should I chronically let others upset and unsettle me with their poor choices?

2. I CAN’T ALWAYS FIX IT. Why do I have to fix what others unmindfully break?

3. I CAN’T MAKE YOU MOVE ON AND CHANGE. Why do I feel others won’t change what’s annoying me and blocking good communication?

4. I CAN’T AFFORD A LACK OF CONFIDENCE. Why do I allow myself to think others have power over me so they can tear down my self-confidence?

5. I CAN’T MAKE PEOPLE FEEL GOOD. Why is it that I think I have the power to make others feel good when they don’t try to help themselves?

6. I CAN’T FIX YOU. Why do you think I can fix your problems? Remember that saying, “Give a child a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a child to fish, and he’ll never go hungry?” I’ve done all I can do to help you — now it’s up to you to step up to the plate and take control over your life.

7. I CAN’T MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY. Why do I feel it is my obligation to make everyone happy, when they have control over their own feelings…I don’t?

8. I CAN’T MAKE LIFE EASIER FOR YOU. Why must I knock myself out, giving and doing for you when you won’t help yourself?

9. I CAN’T MAKE YOU TAKE GOOD ADVICE. Why should I bother to give you good advice when you ignore it or wait for me to do for you what needs to be done?

10. I CAN’T MAKE YOU ACT POSITIVELY IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. Why can’t you make choices that positively impact our relationship without my pitching a hissy fit?

11. I CAN’T SPEED UP YOUR DECISIONS. Why must you take forever and a day to make decisions that aren’t life-threatening or life-changing? I realize that all options must be explored and the possible outcomes weighed, but…get real!

12. I CAN’T DENY KIDS ARE AMAZING PEOPLE. Why can’t you accept the fact that sometimes kids have more insight into a problem or have a solution to a problem, than even the most intelligent adult?

13. I CAN’T GET AFTER YOU LIKE A MOTHER. Why do you expect me to be your parent? You may have different perspectives on some issues, but you have the brainpower and resources to take care of yourself.

14. I CAN’T MAKE YOU BE A RESPONSIBLE, CARING, LOVING, GOOD MAN OR WOMAN. Why must anyone feel that s/he isn’t capable of being caring, loving, and good, on his or her own? Ever heard the command, “GROW UP!“? If you want others to be caring, loving, and a good partner for you, then you have to reciprocate…or even initiate…those same behaviors that you want and expect…and, hopefully, deserve.

Allow your emotions to set you free. After all, if you were to delete all the people in the world who bug you, there are billions more where they came from to do you the same service.

ABOUT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the developer of a powerful communication system which has been proven to increase positive communication, energy, mood, business performance, personal life circumstances, and to help those who use the system to enjoy the ride of their lives. Don’t believe it? That’s because you’re investing in energy-draining communication strategies that keep you stuck, spinning the tires of your communicator car until smoke is surrounding you. Would you like to take a little pressure off yourself today, improving your performance and your mood? Then learn the Talk to Me communication system that is results-driven and personally proven. Don’t know about your communicator type? Yikes…you are not licensed to drive on the talk highway! Read the “let’s all talk” textbook that will change your communication viewpoint forever, “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” available at this site and on Amazon.

Can You Take A Little Criticism Without Getting All Ticked Off?

Can you take a little criticism without getting all ticked off? Do you mind if I give you a little criticism right now to help you out? If you don’t like some aspects of your communicator type, why not change? (No, I’m NOT saying change your personality, because you probably like being you.) But why not correct your weaknesses and promote your strengths? Too easy to be true, you say? A bold-faced sales lie? Don’t bet your life on it….

AN EMPATHIZER COMMUNICATOR CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM FACT SHEET

Do you often wish you would have said something different when someone cornered you with a criticism? Then chances are, you are a “too sensitive” sort, or an Empathizer communicator. Here are a few things to know about how great thou art, Empathizer communicators:

1. Empathizer communicators, or E-types, often fantasize about or wish they hadn’t said or done something to shut down the irrational comments of an arrogant criticizer.

2. E-types are also prone to ruminating over pointed criticisms that don’t belong to them.

3. E-types are too sensitive to others’ growth needs and have a hard time saying “no” to reasonable, or unreasonable, requests or actions.

4. E-types can’t easily stop false criticisms from draining the energy gas tanks dry in their communicator cars.

5. An E-type has difficulty believing, “You are in the driver’s seat of your own life,” or “You are the leader of your own life!”

6. E-types are too sensitive to others’ needs as well as being too sensitive to what others think of them.

7. “Don’t get too big for your britches!” is a prohibition against selfishness that most E-types obey.

8. E-types are often too insensitive to their private self-needs.

9. Many of the most powerful positive thoughts of E-types remain locked away in the cave or silent zone of their own skulls, thus benefiting no one.

10. E-types dread and are constantly anxious about being criticized, shunned, disliked or disapproved of, abandoned, shamed, or blamed by a peer group…or just about anyone, for that matter.

11. Everyone likes to fit in, yet Empathizer-type communicators feel like they are often the odd-duck-out and turn pleasing others into an addiction of sorts.

12. E-types grind gears in their blue communicator cars, all going along to get along, even when doing so drives them crazy or drains their energy.

13. Emotional words are taken too seriously by E-types, who need to learn that people throw around words, like tennis players volley.

14. E-types need to accept that they alone can understand Viewpoint A plus comprehend Viewpoint B to come up with compromise Solution Viewpoint C.

It’s the era of the E-type leader who has adopted I-type strengths, so it’s time to come out and play for keeps, all you zany-brainy E’s.

STUCK ON THE SPEED BUMPS OF LIFE

You don’t have to stall out when you hit a few speed bumps, called criticisms or psycho-critiques. If you’re doing great things, criticisms just come with the turf. After all, it’s almost always nothing personal. Practice disallowing criticism from shutting you up OR shutting you down!

ABOUT PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST, CORPORATE TRAINER AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady, a Dayton region communications psychologist and author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone. Dennis is a relationship communications psychologist and corporate trainer who specializes in positive and effective leadership communication strategies. He is the original developer of the Talk to Me leadership communication system.

A Set Of Communication Rules To Avoid A Meltdown

What set of communication rules do you follow to avoid a relationship meltdown? Do you and your partner obey the traffic signs on the two-way communicator highway to avoid a talk collision? Why are the rules of the talk road so hard to follow when emotions are heating up and nerves are shot? Empathizer and Instigator communicators alike need to learn how to talk instead of fighting like fools.

A SET OF COMMUNICATION RULES TO KEEP A COOL HEAD AND AVOID A MELTDOWN WHEN TENSIONS ARE HIGH

Recently, one of my relationship communications clients whom I coach said, “I’ve been enjoying your writing about good communication tools to use at home and work. My husband and I have just agreed to, and written down, a set of communication rules to avoid a meltdown.”

TALK RULES THAT WORK

1. NO NAME CALLING doesn’t allow zings or arrows or snotty potty talk.

2. DON’T USE PUT-DOWNS means you can’t tell your partner what he or she thinks; instead you must stick to what you are experiencing in the first-person.

3. ZERO THREATS means there’s no tattling, pouting, indirect paybacks, having an emotional or sexual extramarital affair, or threatening to leave.

4. NO GENERATING PAIN…you can’t recycle painful past memories, create more pain in the present, or predict a future of pain because you feel your partner is an idiot.

5. AVOID LOUD VOICES…the better debater or bigger voice isn’t allowed to dominate the flow of the conversation.

6. NO LEAVING WITHOUT SAYING WHERE YOU’RE GOING discourages the disappearing act, meant to make your partner mad and sleepless or nervous.

7. DON’T RATCHET UP DISAGREEMENTS disallows getting extended family members, friends, or kids in the middle of your business.

8. NO EXTREMISM OR ABSOLUTES doesn’t allow, “You never do….” or “You always are….” extremism that rips apart hope and trust.

9. STOP INVENTING MOTIVES…you can’t “psycho-critique” your partner’s motives, or practice psychology without a license.

10. NO BUTTON-PUSHING…you can’t hit your partner where you know s/he can be hurt just to prove a point.

Even if you can only follow one of these talk rules when tensions run high, things will get better between the two of you.

DISTRESSED PARTNERS KEEP DOING WHAT DOESN’T WORK

Couples in trouble crash in predictable ways. Couples who get into unproductive conflicts and have repeated talk collisions burn out over the long-distance haul of an authentic relationship. Driving rules limit accidents. Talk rules engage a problem-solving mode, or “live and let live” attitude, until you have the energy and skills to figure things out.

NO BUTTON-PUSHING

Distressed partners will talk over the opposing partner by talking louder or even shouting. The previous communications client observed, “No button-pushing is our biggest challenge. We are both very strong-willed and stubborn people when crossed. Thanks for helping us stop arguing, instead of trying to top one another.”

ABOUT RELATIONSHIP COMMUNICATIONS COACH DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is a Dayton region communications psychologist and organizational consultant who is the developer of the “Talk to Me” communication system. Dr. O’Grady’s third book is “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone,” which boosts your mood and powers your professional business communications while being of positive benefit to your personal, marital and family communication relationships, too.