Do You Mind If I Give You A Little Constructive Criticism?

Do you mind if I give you a little constructive criticism? “Yes, but I’ve got the feeling that’s not going to stop you!” What, you say? Criticism makes the strongest person among us cringe. In fact, is there any such thing as “constructive criticism” that doesn’t point a finger of blame in the face of an innocent man or woman? Criticism, plainly put, can often make the receiver of the negative feedback stew, brood, and feel bad. This leads to hidden resentments, and resentments restrict performance and open communication. Worse yet, sensitive Empathizer communicators process criticisms, either helpful or unhelpful, differently than their less sensitive Instigator counterparts.

HEY, NOW, I’M ONLY TRYING TO HELP YOU HERE

Do you know what communicator type you are and how you prefer to process feedback requesting personal change? Here’s why spousal or managerial criticisms can inadvertently be slow poison for couple or team communication:

Criticisms:

1. Create impressions in the mind that stick-and-stay, much like footprints in fresh cement or handprints in wet clay.

2. Are mulled over by the person who is criticized, especially if that person is an Empathizer-type communicator.

3. Can drive up personal anxiety, if you’re an Instigator-type communicator, which make you talk in defensively angry ways, especially when you’re in a grief or loss mode.

4. Are like poison blow darts that stick fast in your Empathizer skin, exuding poisonous thoughts that bring you down.

5. Are harpoons that stick in the underbelly of the soft flesh of your self-esteem, making you want to give up.

6. Sometimes sound like gospels or convincing sermons coming from on high, especially when thicker-skinned Instigators give the feedback. Empathizers then believe these words must be true, and they don’t push back assertively enough.

7. Shape the malleable clay of what you think is possible or impossible to talk about for both communicator types…and why those ideas are even important.

Feedback is needed for change, but if the feedback isn’t packaged to fit the preferred communicator type you’re speaking with, then chances are it will do more damage than good. Can we just talk for a change?

GO BEYOND YOUR BEST INSTEAD OF SUFFERING A COMMUNICATION SHUT DOWN

Instigators are pros at being who they are, in spite of all of the pressures to be smiling carbon copies of those who pretend to go along to get along. Moreover, Empathizers have some of the best ideas around today about what will work better in family and organizational life, but they are too shy to speak up forcefully, fearing criticism. Then communication shuts down and progress loses ground, and we keep going around and around in the same turnstile, getting dizzy.

WHAT CAN I DO TO HANDLE CRITICISM BETTER?

You’re a good communicator because you’re asking the right question here. Some quick tips:

1. Remember, “constructive criticism” equally scares thin- and thick-skinned folks who’re paying attention to what’s at stake.

2. Don’t criticize in others what you don’t do yourself.

3. Lead by example…everyone’s watching how you handle the stuff of stress.

4. Although Empathizers and Instigators are VERY different in their communication needs, neither is better or worse than the other.

5. In particular, Empathizers need to shrug off unfair criticisms, while Instigators need to stop thinking that all criticism schisms aren’t fair.

6. Use the Talk to Me system, which teaches you how to give and receive constructive criticism and shrug off unhelpful criticism.

7. Do a few “little things” using the TTM system, and find out for yourself the good results that accrue.

MAMA ALWAYS TOLD ME

My mom always told me, “There’s enough criticism going around. Why not try something different and point out the positive for a change of pace? Who knows, Denny, we all just might get used to it.” Respectfully, Mom, I don’t see things changing much if people don’t know who they’re talking with by type. For example, Instigator leaders feel that complimenting Empathizers is a weakness, when just the reverse is true. In the meantime, we will all cringe a little the very next time we have to do a 360 degree feedback round.

ABOUT PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST, CORPORATE TRAINER AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady, a Dayton region communications psychologist and author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, is a husband, father, communications coach and a guy who can’t stop talking about the art of talking. Dennis is a communications psychologist and corporate trainer who specializes in positive and effective leadership communication strategies. He is the developer of the Talk to Me leadership communication system. Although everyone likes to fit in, Empathizer-type communicators feel like they are often the odd duck out. Instigator communicators fear criticism too, but keep a stone face about it. Why should we grind gears in our communicator cars, bringing the energy of your team or family to a halt? The best thing you can be, in a world that’s so good at finding ways to make you go crazy, is yourself.

You’ve Got To Calm Down

What makes intense emotions so hard to take? Demanding “You’ve got to calm down!” doesn’t help. Why? Giant emotions make you feel little. Sleepless nights of worry make you sleep-deprived. Acting strong can undermine your close relationships. Putting a happy face on sorrow can turn you into a fake. Staying confused will make you drive around in circles when you ought to be getting on down the Communication Highway. Sure enough, aroused emotions can “make you” feel like little David going up against huge Goliath.

WHAT MAKES MY EMOTIONS SO DIFFICULT TO HANDLE?

In the “Talk to Me” communication system, there are four modes of internal and external communication that can be used to calm yourself down when the winds of change are blowing hard. The talk modes are Emotions, Beliefs, Behaviors and Talks. It’s important to know how to manage your emotions to function better instead of reverting to negative actions that harm a relationship. Some emotional facts you must first face to lessen your fear of your emotions:

1. SQUASHED LIKE A BUG ON THE WINDSHIELD. As the country song tells it like it is, “Sometimes you’re the windshield, and sometimes you’re the bug.” Hard emotions hardly go away fast, and blur your vision on the speedy two-way communicator highway.

Downside: You will resort to controlling behaviors, such as raising your voice and acting frustrated and mad with your children or co-workers.

2. AFRAID THE OTHER SHOE WILL DROP. Emotions can scare you, especially when they don’t seem logically linked to any traumatic stress event. Loss also unleashes storms of emotions.

Downside: When you feel helpless or powerless, you will feel depressed.

3. A HURRICANE THAT WILL OBLITERATE YOU. Emotions have the force of a tsunami tidal wave or a hurricane, a force of nature that sweeps you away into oblivion.

Downside: You will try to run away from your emotions and hide; you’ll stop being the outgoing person you are.

4. WHAT IF THE BOTTOM FALLS OUT? This is when you feel your emotions are in control of you, and there’s nothing you can productively do to calm yourself down.

Downside: So you scold yourself for feeling what you do, create a worry avalanche with “What IF…” negative thinking, and get behind the harder you try to be in control of everything.

5. PULLING THE COVERS OVER YOU HEAD. Artificially controlling aroused emotions by shutting them out of your mind or giving them too much mind.

Downside: You have to stuff the emotions, like carrying a heavy backpack filled with rocks or filling up your trunk with junk.

6. REFUSING TO SPEAK, BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING WRONG. Shutting down any attempted communication about your feelings, and putting a happy face on sad times.

Downside: You act aloof or withdraw from your relationships to spare others from feeling your hurt and pain, struggles or sorrows, which can blow up the relationship bridge.

7. SHUTTING DOWN OPEN COMMUNICATION LINES. This is avoiding emotions (“Is anything wrong?”) by shutting down communication (“No, not really!”).

Downside: You send the implied message that your partner isn’t important to you, which alienates and angers those who care about you.

8. EMOTIONS SEEM LIKE GIANTS BUT AREN’T REALITY. Intense emotions make you feel dwarfed by the giant of strange emotions, making you feel like a scared and helpless child, and misread how friendly reality just might be.

Downside: You may revert to comfort foods, bury yourself in work, stay busy until the feelings subside, drink too much, play too hard or play around or drive too fast.

9. EMOTIONS ARE BIGGER AND MORE POWERFUL THAN MY ABILITY TO HANDLE THEM. Simply put, that’s the myth that you must disrupt by turning and facing your emotions instead of running away from them.

Downside: The biggest justification for kids or adults alike is “I couldn’t help myself because I was so upset. What did you expect me to do? It (my emotions) were too much for me to take it any longer.”

Remember this: There are ways you can learn to calm yourself down when your emotions are churned up and dragging you down.

ARE YOU AN EMPATHIZER COMMUNICATOR OR AN INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATOR WHEN IT COMES TO HANDLING YOUR EMOTIONS?

Instigator communicators try to resolve emotions by ignoring the feeling and thinking of something else.

Empathizer communicators try to get past tough emotions by being tough and critical of themselves. Neither approach does enough to help you calm yourself down when you are feeling upset.

BUT HOW DO I CALM MYSELF DOWN?

I wish there was an easy answer to that question, but there isn’t. Of course, learning and using the “Talk to Me” system is one of the answers.

  • For example, if you’re an Empathizer communicator, you will learn how to carefully move out of the rut of negative emotions to better meet your life needs.
  • And if you’re an Instigator communicator, you will learn how to speak of your emotions, without drowning in unruly emotions, with the net effect that you will pull your partner closer.

Either way, as an E- or I-type communicator you will quickly grow in wisdom, compassion, less anxiety and greater peace of mind as the strong and empathetic man or woman you are.

ABOUT DAYTON PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of three books including his recent positive and effective communication system found only in “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” Dennis is a corporate trainer, professional keynote speaker, personal executive coach and father to three daughters who know who they’re talking to by communicator type when relating to teachers and friends. Do you even know your type, and why on earth it matters so much in the selection of tools to use for controlling your mood? If you’re fed up with feeling down, if you’re sick and tired of feeling tired, if you feel like you’ve lost your way or that you’re running around lost in a maze of unsatisfying relationships each and every day then spend a few bucks on talk tools that make emotions easier to take. Try “Talk to Me” if not much is helping you to feel better about being the great person you are today.

I Work Best Under Pressure

Do you work best or do you cave under pressure, particularly pressure that you put on yourself? Empathizer (E-type) communicators can trip up on little things which they allow to drain their energy. One procrastinating communications client of mine put it this way: “I’m exhausted. I have deadlines approaching. I can’t get all the work done at the office, and at home the grass is growing, and I don’t have time to mow it now. My partner tells me that I’m a big grouch, that I complain too much, and that I’m no fun to be around. The bills are piling up, and everyone at work and their cousins are expecting me to deliver NOW.” Ring any bells?

ENERGY-DRAINING COMMUNICATION PATTERNS

Have you used a global positioning device, or GPD, yet? Way too cool! You can choose either a female or male voice, which tells you to turn here or there, and how many miles you have to go until you reach your destination. Your communicator brain works the same way. You have a BPD, or belief positioning device, that puts you in a given frame of mind, for better and worse. For example, in the past you were taught negative beliefs that you tell yourself to drain (or fuel) your energy. It’s like having a hole in your energy gas tank (or a perpetual gas line running into the tank). You’ve heard others — or yourself — express beliefs like, “I can’t really do anything to change my situation,” or, “I’m not a very good time manager or a good communicator.”

DO YOU PERFORM BEST UNDER PRESSURE?

Personally, I don’t buy all the, “Look how hard I’ve been working,” psychodrama hype, that says we perform best when we are behaving like stressed out monkeys wired on Starbucks. Now, you tell me if these beliefs fire you up or put a wet blanket over your aspirations. This is how self-pressure sounds:

  • When do I find the time?
  • I can’t get it all done!
  • I work best under pressure!
  • I don’t have any time left over for me.
  • It’s been tough. Total insanity. I should slow down.
  • I am constantly drained.
  • I can’t disconnect from work when I get home.
  • How do you not take things personally?
  • It feels like I’m running faster than a hamster in a wheel.
  • I come last on the priority list.
  • I’m not sure what the answer is.
  • I can’t say “no” or I will let everyone down.
  • How do you stop others from dumping their negative crap on you?
  • Everybody brings their bag of problems to me to solve.
  • I would like to take a little time to relax BUT…

Why wouldn’t you be thoroughly enjoying the trip of life with these types of thoughts tearing your peace of mind into pieces?

MEMOS TO YOUR MIND

Empathizer communicators, both men and women, use these types of internal commands, or “memos to my operating mind,” that are energy-draining instead of energy-producing. But you already knew that!

SO WHAT CAN I DO INSTEAD TO RELAX AND FEEL BETTER?

If I tell you what to do, my dear Empathizer communicators, will you do it? I understand that you have all the answers, and that you’re tired of being critiqued and criticized for being in a bad mood. So, you’ll take my advice with no strings attached and check it out?

For example, if I suggest that you take a few rest stops along the grueling work highway, will you be able to spare ten minutes of goof-off time for yourself? No, you won’t be able to do that because you don’t think of your energy as vitally important to your mood and confidence. Plus, you won’t think you’ll be able to get to your final destination fast enough to please everyone who’s depending on you. Look out for burnout ahead!

STOP BEING SO NEGATIVE, DR. O’GRADY

I think I’m being pretty realistic, neither too pessimistic nor too optimistic. You E-types work and work and work, and then promise yourself a little time to enjoy life, rather than enjoy the ride all along the two-way communicator highway. This can cause dramatic speed ups, then slow downs, on the Communicator Highway. Thus, “I’ve got to work hard, and I can’t help change my situation, because I’m feeling too exhausted to even try to do something new.”

WHY DON’T YOU STOP PLOPPING A STRESS BAG IN YOUR LAP

Stop plopping an over-filled stress bag in your lap and filling up your head with negative beliefs that siphon off the energy from your communicator car gas tank. Then again, if you’re happy with how you’re motivating yourself, then keep on keeping on. Just realize that Instigator communicators are going to look at you cross-eyed.

WHO IS DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the developer of a powerful communication system — that isn’t gender-driven — which has been proven to increase positive communication, energy, mood, business performance, personal life circumstances, and to help those who use the system to enjoy the ride of their lives. Don’t believe it? That’s because you’re investing in energy-draining communication strategies that keep you stuck, spinning the tires of your communicator car until smoke is surrounding you. Would you like to take a little pressure off yourself today, improving your performance and your mood? Then learn the Talk to Me communication system that is results-driven and personally proven. Don’t know about your communicator type? Yikes…you are not licensed to drive on the talk highway! Empathizers are too sensitive to others and less sensitive to the inner self. Instigators are too insensitive to others and more sensitive to the inner self. Take the NICI (New Insights Communication Inventory) at www.drogrady.com to determine what strategies you need to invest in. Read the “let’s all talk” textbook that will change your communication viewpoint forever, called: “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” available at this site and on Amazon.

Driving Around Talk Accidents

Have you ever slowed down and gawked at a messy traffic accident to see what all the fuss and commotion was about? Was it a fender bender or a bone cruncher? Gruesome…. Oh, how we human beings are fascinated by destructive accidents. Often, we think to ourselves, “I’m sorry it had to happen to you…but sure glad it wasn’t me.” I’m an optimist: although misery loves company, most times your talk accidents are preventable by following simple rules of good talk.

RULES TO AVOID OR TO DRIVE AROUND TALK ACCIDENTS

Do you follow good communication rules that keep the relationship traffic flowing smoothly? Do you abide by rules so that all drivers are free of hard feelings, expensive repairs or emotional meltdowns? Much misery on the Communication Highway could be avoided by consistently using these simple rules for safe driving:

1. Don’t drive faster when your emotions are hot. When you are angry and blame-filled, it’s time to slow down, step or sit back instead of looking behind your back, and take a good look around at what’s coming up in front of you.

2. Don’t hammer a passenger with hard talk. When you justify, rationalize or spin the truth to make a point, you will lose your way on the talk highway.

3. Don’t stay in a trance. When you stare blankly out the window in a trance, you might run into something you don’t want to, since “justifying is hypnotizing.”

4. Don’t react to intimidating threats. When you get mad at someone who is acting badly, you must get that person out of your mind, and stay in the driver’s seat to stay sane.

5. Don’t curse yourself (or others) under your breath. When all you can control is your own integrity, keep both hands on the steering wheel. You won’t regret it later.

6. Don’t tell white lies to look favorable in others’ eyes. When you bend the rules, are you the person you say you are? Will your story be believed by a traffic cop who pulls you over?

7. Don’t expect anyone else to change but you. When you expect others to change, you are forgetting about yourself and your own needs…the only factors over which you have control.

8. Don’t fear negative feedback. When you need to have your ego stroked, you won’t be able to hear suggestions that are smart alternatives to being stuck in a traffic jam.

9. Don’t break good communication driving rules. When you lose your common sense, you will forget that your greatest wealth is being true to yourself, and being a true friend to others.

PRETTY WORDS ARE EMPTY WITHOUT THE PLENTITUDE OF POSITIVE ACTIONS

Now, you may object to my negativity, or counter with, “…using DONT’S vs. DO’S creates foggy driving conditions instead of clearing the way ahead for good talk.” Here are the corresponding optimistic DO’S:

  • Do slow down when your emotions are hot.
  • Do listen more than you pontificate or lecture.
  • Do be aware of your self and your surroundings at all times.
  • Do respond to others instead of using “knee-jerk-me-jerk” reactions.
  • Do be nurturing to yourself and others when stressed out.
  • Do use your character values as your compass.
  • Do be a good friend to others when you are prone to trying too hard to save face by being right.
  • Do expect yourself to change and grow on a daily basis.
  • Do hear negative feedback that resolves pesky problems that haunt you.
  • Do follow good communication driving rules, even when you don’t want to.

DO YOU SPEED UP WHEN YOU SHOULD SLOW DOWN BECAUSE YOU’RE MOVING TOO FAST?

Is it hard work just to talk to you? Do you feel drained by a Nega-talker — who is spouting the rhetorical party line — and avoiding the rigors of personal change projects? Do your co-communicators have to chase you down to feel close to you? It’s up to you to be approachable, available, and open to good talk that steers you around talk accidents and dead end alleys that disrupt really good relationships.

ABOUT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of three books, professional keynote speaker, corporate trainer and developer of the “Talk to Me” communication system that improves strategic decision making and encourages everyone to be a better communicator. Dennis is founder of New Insights Communication, a Dayton, Ohio based company that specializes in honing leadership skills for the betterment of teams, families and companies. Read the “let’s all talk” textbook that will change your communication viewpoint forever, called: “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” available at this site and on Amazon.

Talk Tips For Men And Women from The Guru of Male Awareness

I had the unique opportunity to ask Dr. Herb Goldberg, a renowned author and psychologist, some heart-opening and mind-expanding questions about his new book, What Men Still Don’t Know About Women, Relationships, And Love. The 32 questions ranged all the way from what to tell teens about money, to what it was like to be on the Oprah and Phil Donahue shows, to how his adult daughter relates to his work, to stupid things we men and women continue to do to one another. In short, what stands in the way of good communication between men and women….My warmest thanks to Herb for taking time to respond to these 32 freewheeling questions about What Men Still Don’t Know About Women, Relationships, And Love. This is a rare opportunity to look inside the mind of a gifted and humane psychologist who has changed the way we all think about the “gender undertow.”

INTERVIEW WITH DR. HERB GOLDBERG

Dr. Dennis O’Grady: Dr. Goldberg, it’s awfully nice of you to take the time to answer these questions. Thanks for helping all of us “see” a better way for men and women to communicate. In the seventies, the reading public was profoundly impacted by your work on men and aggression, so I knew readers today would like to hear your insights into these 32 talking points for men and women that “The Guru of Male Awareness” could speak to:

(1) O’Grady: What do you like most about being a bestselling author?

Dr. Herb Goldberg: Having been trained early on in psychodynamic psychology by some of the great early teachers and theorists, I became aware of what an incredible tool psychology can be for helping us reframe and understand problems and questions that have defied meaningful illumination since the beginning history of man. Writing bestselling books has given me an opportunity to explore so many of the issues and questions that I find absolutely fascinating. The upside of writing bestselling books has been the opportunity to continue to explore and write about these matters and, at the same time, engage other people in a new conversation about time honored questions and problems.

(2) O’Grady: Is there a hard side to having a hit book?

Dr. Goldberg: There really isn’t a “hard side” to having a hit book except for the possible pressure to stay within certain boundaries that publishers want in order to continue to sell books. It’s a constant struggle to maintain reader interest and publisher support and yet stay faithful to my own vision of what is meaningful. I have to continuously remind myself that this is not about being successful. It is about using the opportunity given to me in a meaningful way and to not throw it away by making fame or money a priority. Writing is the one area in life that I hold sacred and don’t want to contaminate.

(3) O’Grady: Looking back, what do you feel was the core message in Creative Aggression?

Dr. Goldberg: The core message in Creative Aggression is that aggression, in one form or another, exists in every human being, and we must learn to acknowledge it and find constructive ways to express it. I tie it to gender because men and women, as a result of masculine and feminine conditioning, have a tendency to vastly distort the experience of aggression. Women tend to repress and deny it and then manifest it indirectly and in self-destructive and other dysfunctional ways. Men tend to replace vulnerable emotion that threatens them with hyper-aggressive destructive responses. Aggression is real, readily distorted, and when expressed in a healthy way can be life-preserving. Creative Aggression was really all about giving credence to the reality of this human experience and its many manifestations and to say it’s okay to be aggressive, but that it’s important to learn to express it in constructive ways.

(4) O’Grady: In your experience, what is the biggest hazard of being male?

Dr. Goldberg: The biggest hazard of being male, or more specifically, being socialized in a masculine way, is disconnection. Masculine socialization disconnects men from their inner lives, their bodies, their sexuality, and most importantly, their relationships. In short, it slowly erodes and eventually destroys their personal selves. Specifically, it results in alienation from their children, the objectification of women, disconnection from their bodies so they lose touch with their physical selves, and in the area of sexuality, disconnection causes them to experience their penises as disconnected plumbing, rather than experiencing their sexual response and problems as a direct expression of who they are as people.

(5) O’Grady: What is the biggest stereotype about men in need of correction today?

Dr. Goldberg: The biggest stereotype about men is that they are the relationship and love spoilers, all by themselves. In other words, when it comes to most personal experiences in life, men are seen as a destructive force that needs to be socialized, while women are portrayed as the ones seeking love, compassion, and intimacy. This negative stereotype has damaged our capacity to make meaningful sense of and transform interpersonal male-female dysfunction.