If People Get Close, I Back Up

In the neighborhood of positive and effective communication, relationship trust lives right next door to relationship honesty. Justifying why you can’t trust, can’t be close and can’t be honest with your romantic partner gets old fast. But if everyone is after emotional intimacy, then why is interpersonal closeness as rare as sighting a dragon flying across the sky? When people try to get close to you, do you breathe fire? Do you back up and speed off in the opposite direction?

THE TRUTH ABOUT THE CHALLENGES OF RELATIONSHIP CLOSENESS

Relationship rules aren’t made to be broken. Honest and open communication is required if you are to be seen and heard and responded to as the proactive person you are. Here are some psychological truths about roadblocks that may stand in your way of risking relationship closeness:

1. I have difficulty trusting others with my true thoughts and feelings. Effective communication means you bare your emotional soul and expose your vulnerabilities to the light of day with your partner.

2. Honestly, I fear being seen as “too different.” Effective communication means you are true to yourself, even though you want to fit in and want approval from your social group and family.

3. I don’t want to make a mistake or repeat past mistakes. Effective communicators break from the rules of the past when they’re no longer working, especially when parents weren’t emotionally expressive or open with their children.

4. I know rules are made to be broken. Effective communicators don’t tell white lies of any size, especially when personal change is required.

5. I feel too pressured to relax. Effective communication doesn’t mean you are beaten down by internal or external pressures to “put on a good face” and live a false life devoid of intimacy.

6. I need to be the best I can be and come in first. Effective communication means that there are “wieners and losers,” but real people also win by revealing personal truths, struggles, strengths as well as weaknesses.

7. I must get past the pain fast. Effective communicators courageously share their personal pains and triumphs equally, realizing that talking about the pain may intensify it. But it’s through the sharing of real pain and joy that the price tag of deep emotional intimacy is paid in full.

8. Everybody wants the bargain of the day. Effective communication isn’t supposed to have many shortcuts, because you get what you pay for. For instance, it is unfair to expect your partner to love you when you don’t love yourself.

9. No one else is like me. Effective communication reassures the speaker that he or she isn’t alone, an alien creature, shameful and dreadful because of blaming emotions that bring a mood down faster than trying to swim while clutching tight onto an anchor.

10. I wear my mask and let you see only what I want you to see. Effective communicators are psychologically naked, open and flowing with those with whom they seek to build trust.

11. I don’t want to risk being transparent. Effective communicators know they alone control the choice to open up and be seen as a real person with real feelings and needs, independent from all others in their interpersonal relationships.

I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED

You cannot be true to others unless you are true to yourself. You cannot be emotionally close to others unless you risk transparency. You cannot feel peace unless you risk battling with a war of emotions. You cannot be loved by others until you learn to love yourself when you have no logical reason whatsoever to do so.

ABOUT PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP COACH AND FAMILY CONFLICT COMMUNICATION EXPERT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Your personal relationships are groomed when you use positive and effective communication skills and tools. You can learn how to express yourself emotionally, in powerful and positive ways that build relationship bridges of intimacy, with those you care about and love. Emotional intimacy is one of the five types of intimacy, and can include friends, extended family members, adult children and even small children and grandchildren. How to go about it? Read the “let’s all talk” textbook that will change your communication viewpoint forever, called: “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” available at this site and on Amazon.

A Million Dollar Communication Solution

Would you like to own a million dollar solution to many of your relationship communication problems? Who wouldn’t. But if you don’t have that small key to put in your communicator car ignition switch, you aren’t going to get anywhere fast. In fact, chances are you’ll end up spinning your wheels in a communication rut and continue to feel more and more stuck.

THE TEMPTATION OF EMPATHETIC PEOPLE

If you are an Empathizer-type (E-type) communicator, you defensively don’t ever want to hurt another person’s feelings. You know first-hand how easy it is to get your feelings hurt…so you don’t speak up forcefully, and when you do, you think you are being too intense or going to extremes. To get through to the thicker-skinned Instigator-type (I-type) communicators in your world, your temptation is to listen to others’ opinions before you state your own opinion or conclusion…which is ineffective at best, and very confusing to your Instigator co-communicator at worst.

IF THERE’S A DISCONNECT

Here’s how many of my interpersonally sensitive Empathizer communication clients put it:

I am perceived as being wishy-washy or needing direction so often it makes me frown. I-types perceive me as asking for help when I don’t need it. I have trouble saying, “This is what I need now!” or “This is what I need you to do for me.” There’s a disconnect. I’m not good at stating my opinion right up front, but if I were able, life would be a lot easier.

Can you relate? Who would ever think that being sensitive could irritate communication matters?

A MILLION DOLLAR COMMUNICATION SOLUTION

So, that’s why I say in Talk to Me that Empathizers ought to adopt the strengths of Instigators, and the reverse. Here are some black-and-white ways my newly assertive E-typers are more upfront about their outstanding opinions which will benefit everyone:

1. I’m not good at stating my opinion right up front, but what I feel strongly we should do is…

2. This is my decision.

3. This is the way it is.

4. This isn’t about you.

5. Don’t be confused. I’m not asking for your help.

6. I don’t need suggestions or solutions to the problem.

7. I’ve worked out the answers that will get us down the road on this one.

8. There’s not room for debate.

9. I don’t appreciate your raising your voice with me or talking over me. It shuts me down.

10. I’ll ask for your help if and when I need it.

11. What would it be worth to you if my way is the right way to go?

12. My Achilles heel is that I want to hear others’ opinions, and include everyone’s input, before I give my opinion.

13. This is what I need now. This is what I need to be done.

My favorite thought today is, “I don’t need suggestions, or solutions to this problem — I need you to do what I’m asking you to do. Are you going to do it in a timely way?” Do you hear what I’m saying? Do you know what I’m talking about? Do you catch my drift? Enough already of the humble-to-a-fault act.

I START BACKING DOWN…I START JUSTIFYING MY DECISIONS

Don’t start backing down or justifying your decision. Your decision is final and not open for negotiation. I-types will pounce on your apparent indecision every time. And they will make it about you, instead of the issue.

ARE YOU WRONG TO BE SO DIRECT?

Instigator communicators respect others who take a stand and won’t back down. I-types do love to debate, and are expert debaters, so unnecessary debating with an I-typer will make your communication foggy. Foggy communication you don’t need! You need to be a clear and direct communicator who sends the implied message, “I mean business!” After all, if you can fix a problem why act like you aren’t sure of what you’re doing?

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM YOURSELF

With a little practice, you will come up with your own non-defensive communication strategies that send the message, “I know what I’m doing, it’s the era of the E-type leader, and you would be wise to follow me.”

WHO IS DENNIS O’GRADY?

Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D., is a corporate trainer and relationship communications coach who is the developer of the proven Talk to Me communication system. If you sincerely want to take charge of and solve many of your communication problems, you need look no further. You can learn to adopt the strengths of your opposing communicator type to get better results, using the positive and effective approaches in Talk to Me. For example, Empathizers need to be more direct and forceful, while Instigators need to be more sensitive and receptive. The difference in your communication results will take you from the horse and buggy era, to the automobile era, and beyond. But — you’ve got to invest in yourself to learn the skills to become a better million dollar communicator.

Can I Ask You A Question?

If you know me, you know I hate getting a bug stuck in my teeth while whistling when I’m driving down the two-way communicator highway. Recently, I went buggy while doing the mall crawl with my teenager daughters; I was accosted by a salesperson who asked me: “Can I ask you a question?” I try to take good communication seriously, but that kind of bad talk strips the last nerve from my psychologist brain when I try to take good talk so seriously. Why be cranked up? Well, I want to be honest with you here…

HONESTY VS. DISHONESTY IN COMMUNICATION

I realize I am a communication prude, a communication conservative, a communication advocate, a communication hard hat, a communication zealot, a communication tiger, a communication geek. Thus, I actually take what people say seriously! Can you imagine that? So why do I object so strongly to dishonesty in business communication as a corporate trainer and communications guru?

1. LIES. Catch the control trip with, “Can I ask you a question?” Yeah, you got it. “Can I ask you a question?” IS a question, while the person acts all innocent that a question has already been asked. A white lie is still a lie!

2. CONTROLS. You’re automatically put in a talk bind with “Can I ask you a question?” Similar to “We’ve got to talk!” If you say “yes” you’ve given your permission for a one-way sales job to begin. If you say “no,” you sound unfair. What about “maybe?”

3. TAKES. It takes energy to defend yourself against dishonest talkers, because you can never tell what’s true from what’s false over the long-distance haul in the relationship.

4. CHEATS AND MANIPULATES. Dishonest talks are designed to make you go against your free will, by taking a talk road someone else wants you to go on.

5. CREATES MISTRUSTS. How can you trust someone who is only paying lip service to interpersonal honesty? Will you also be told and sold something that you need like a hole in the head?

6. PUTS YOU IN A GUILT CORNER. Dishonest communication attempts to stand you in a corner with your nose pressed against the wall. You don’t want to lose being an open person with an open mind by taking guilt trips, right?

7. GIVES GOOD TALK A BAD NAME. Dishonest communication uses words as a dictator would, one who treats adult citizens as disposable children who have no rights or feelings.

Do you communicate honestly, or dishonestly? Do you ask questions that really are embedded with answers you expect to hear?

LOOK WHO’S CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK, DOC

Yeah, I was peeved off at the salesperson while still being appreciative that we all need to make a living for our families. So what did I do? I’m not proud to say I feigned that I couldn’t speak English, which is dishonest because I speak the language a little bit. What happened next? More questions. That’s closed communication on a controlling one-way street, vs. open, cooperative communication on a two-way street.

MY BAD…DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN…I’VE GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU

I must proudly confess to promoting honesty in communication. Yeah, I also hate the popular sayings, “My bad!” which doesn’t honestly admit to a mistake. And I loathe the talk filler, “Do ya’ know what I mean?” And I laugh at the mind driller, “I’ve got to be honest with you!” All three transactions imply that I’ve got to agree with you…that I’m not competent or capable to think my own thoughts and come to my own conclusions …that honesty isn’t always the best policy as an independent person. I’ve got to be honest with you: Hey, hey, you, you, get off of my cloud!

ABOUT CORPORATE TRAINER AND PROFESSIONAL KEYNOTE SPEAKER DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady, a Dayton region psychologist and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone,” is a husband, father, communications coach and a guy who can’t stop talking about the art of talking.

What Men Still Don’t Know About Women, Relationships, and Love

Dr. Herb Goldberg is one of America’s best-selling authors and acknowledged experts on men, women, and relationships. For a twenty-year period, Dr. Goldberg’s bestselling books such as The Hazards of Being Male, The Inner Male and What Men Really Want provided guidance to the confused, wary, overwhelmed and frozen; his books broke new ground in the 1980’s and 90’s and were million-selling books in America, with highly successful editions in places such as Germany, Japan, China, France, England, and Scandinavian countries. He returns to writing in order to address the critical relationship concerns for contemporary men and their female partners. Dr. Goldberg was one of the first to write about the psychology of men and now his new book has rekindled the many “I just don’t get it” aspects of men’s contemporary experiences with women. Filled with illuminating case histories, concrete guidelines and sound advice, it is this book, What Men Still Don’t Know About Women, Relationships and Love, that may save the personal lives of millions of men and women who continuously fall into the same traps. As a therapist, researcher, and advocate, Goldberg returns to writing from decades in private practice and teaching at California State University, Los Angeles where he is currently an Emeritus Professor of Psychology. Goldberg has appeared on Oprah twice, a week on Good Morning America, and was a regular guest on the Phil Donahue Show (which included a ground-breaking two time in one week appearance in which Donahue recruited an all-male audience).

According to Goldberg, “It is crunch time for men today. Divorce battles, custody fights, poisonous interactions, and accusations of abuse and harassment alongside the everyday unhappiness are at an all time high. Men’s personal isolation and dependency on women is greater than ever, while women’s anger, withdrawal from relationships with men, and their defensive sense of being victimized also are at a peak. On every level of contemporary life women are growing and emerging while men are shrinking and failing. Without a significant change in awareness, insight, and commitment, men will become increasingly toxic in their personal connections, and unable to maintain close, personal relationships resulting in painful isolation. Men need information, interpretations and guidance that go beyond superficial advice about love and relationships and the usual lectures about how to treat a woman.”

Goldberg tells us that men need concrete personal maps, not general “how to” ideas that act like a temporary “feel good” pep talk. What Men Still Don’t Know About Women, Relationships and Love is a book for all men, and for women, too — since Goldberg explores a woman’s process — the deeper invisible elements that create her experience of relationships, as well as masculine conditioning that produces blind spots, blocks, vulnerabilities in his relationships with women.

Keys To Ignite Good Communication

People talk. Everyone agrees talking is the key that turns over the ignition of your communicator car. Once your engine is running and you pull out the map, you set out on a life destination with your partner. But “people talks,” like cars, can break down now and then, making relationship repairs expensive or impossible. They can cause everyone the frustration of being stranded all alone on the highway of life.

HOW TO KNOW IF YOU’RE DRIVING SANELY AND SAFELY ON THE TWO-WAY COMMUNICATION HIGHWAY?

Are you an open and responsive communicator or a closed and reactionary communicator? Here’s how to tell:

1. YOU TAKE TIME TO WASH AND WAX YOUR CAR. You try to keep your communicator car clean, because you know dirty communication spews tar and gunk on everyone.

2. YOU HAVE A VALID DRIVER’S LICENSE. You don’t leave home without first checking that you have your valid driver’s license as a trained “positive and effective” communicator. You also don’t drive under the influence of excessive negative emotions.

3. YOU HAVE A MAP IN YOUR LAP. Without knowing where you’re going, how will you ever get there? Maps make sure you don’t drive in circles until you run out of gas, and that you don’t need to hitch a ride to the next petrol depot.

4. YOU STICK TO THE SPEED LIMIT. Accidents happen when you don’t drive with the flow of traffic, or go too fast or too slow, instead of playing by the rules of the “suggested” speed limit.

5. YOU DON’T GIVE NON-VERBAL SIGNALS TO YOUR FELLOW TRAVELERS. Giving the single finger non-verbal gesture of disapproval says: “Although my Interpersonal I.Q. is 1, because I’m never-ever in the wrong, if things don’t go my way right now you can just get off My Highway!”

6. YOU STOP AND ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. You’re not too proud to ask for help when you’re lost, so you don’t tie up anyone’s life with insecurity or use words that sound off but don’t amount to squat.

7. YOU ARE TRAVELING ON YOUR TIME. You don’t rush around like a chicken with your head cut off, and you plan time to relax along the way at rest stops to boost your energy.

8. YOU USE CRUISE CONTROL BUT EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED. Although you use cruise control to relax and enjoy the drive, you keep your eyes and ears wide open; you turn down the temptation to tell someone why your thinking is right and their thinking is wrong.

9. YOU DON’T READ EVERY ADVERTISING SIGN. Why read stupid signs filled with mindless slogans? Instead, you vow to talk positively to yourself when you feel blue and build your confidence by taking new life routes to prove you are change-able.

10. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MOOD IN YOUR COMMUNICATOR CAR. It’s up to you to set the tone, tempo and mood in the car since you’re the one in charge. You don’t pontificate or lecture and you don’t flip out when you accidentally miss a turn on Talk Road.

11. YOU AREN’T A MIRROR GAWKER. “Mirror gawking” is staring into the mirror to see how beautiful thou art, picking your nose or applying make up, because it makes the trip all about you and the drowning greed of narcissism.

12. YOU DON’T YELL AT BACKSEAT DRIVERS. Backseat driving or arguing are headaches waiting to happen, and loud discussions of differences distract you from keeping your eyes on the road and focusing. To improve your life is the only right thing to do or be, right?

13. YOU DON’T GET BENT OUT OF SHAPE BY FENDER-BENDERS. Talk accidents do happen. Some are avoidable, some are not. When a talk accident happens, do you blame, get angry, withdraw, attack, feel all crazy or act like a smiley-wiley, goodey two-shoes? None of these “fear-driven” strategies ever changes the basic fact that your fender is bent and needs fixing.

Whenever you miscommunicate, or miss the communication mark, how you communicate during those tense times becomes all the more important. Are you keeping your communication tight?

THE INSURANCE POLICY OF GOOD COMMUNICATION

Are you in the driver’s seat of your own life? Are you keeping your eyes on the road, and your eyes on the relationship prize of positive talk? Don’t leave home without the insurance policy of good communication.

ABOUT INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION EXPERT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, who specializes in teaching positive and effective communication skills. You wish to utilize easy vs. sleazy communication that is both ethical and effective. Dr. O’Grady’s third book, which includes his “Talk to Me” effective leadership communication system, is at www.drogrady.com and Amazon. Life is a highway? Are you traveling to where you need and want to go in a spirit of hopeful anticipation, or are you cursing under your breath at the other driver’s stupidity? The choice is yours. Know this: Whenever you travel with an open heart and flowing mind on the two-way communication highway, change happens fast and lasts.