I Don’t Believe A Word That Comes Out Of Your Mouth

I’m a big believer in clear and precise communication. Unfortunately, too many times communication with a talk partner is about as clear as mud. “I can’t believe a word that comes out of his or her mouth!” is a huge red flag that honest and open talking is dead. This difficulty in finding out what’s true and what’s not will make you feel emotionally hooked and wrapped around the axle of a poor driver on the two-way communication highway.

IT’S TOO LATE TO SAY YOU’RE SORRY

Carole King had a hit song called “It’s too late to say you’re sorry”…a song about how love dies when doused with the kerosene of lies, distortions, and confusions. How to know if a talk partner is using interpersonal lies to drive you insane and steal your peace of mind:

1. ARE YOU MAD AT ME? Implies that you are over-reacting and don’t have your facts straight.

2. DON’T YOU REMEMBER MY TELLING YOU THAT? Implies that a speaker innocently forgot to mention a key fact.

3. I’VE HAD A LOT ON MY MIND LATELY. Implies that you don’t rate as very important in the scheme of things.

4. BUT I SAID I WAS SORRY. Implies that a simple apology fixes anything that’s been broken.

5. I DIDN’T INTEND TO DO IT. Implies that negative actions or words spoken without awareness don’t count.

6. IT WASN’T MY FAULT…THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO ABOUT IT. Implies the person is being controlled by outside forces beyond his or her control.

7. WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS GIVING ME SUCH A HARD TIME? Implies that you shouldn’t have a problem with repeatedly being discounted.

IT’S NOT MY FAULT

“Why are you always picking on me!” Charlie Brown rhetoric, will be impossible to correct. “It’s not my fault!” or “That’s not what I meant!” and “I didn’t do anything wrong because I was just trying to do the right thing!” are psychoexcuses that will execute a good relationship by pushing a partner into a corner and then opening fire. And that is your fault.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS CONSULTANT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady wears two hats of corporate communication expert and relationship communication psychologist. Dennis has 30+ years of experience helping talk partners of differing levels and backgrounds hear the intended message their talk partners were trying to get across. He is the author of three books, a professional keynote speaker, and organizational consultant who uses the “Talk to Me” leadership communication system in companies, resulting in, “Now my manager is a better communicator.”

Interpersonal Insanity

Are you the same person wherever you go? Do you act the same with whomever you talk? Do you know someone who puts on a good act in public while privately giving family members an angry side, one that might include blistering name-calling, blustery blaming, or brutal psychocritiquing? Well, isn’t that special! Interpersonal insanity is the act of being a completely different person in different situations.

INSANITY IS MESSING UP AND DOING THE SAME THINGS THAT WRECK RELATIONSHIPS OVER AND OVER AGAIN

Perhaps you’re in a relationship with a Slickster or Trickster, one who keeps messing up again and again, and is a genius at inventing reasons why it was a crazy accident caused by you. How to know…?

1. LIES WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE. An inventor of excuses and broken promises as long as your arm.

2. FLIPS THE SWITCH WHEN CAUGHT. An inventor of the “mad mood” when forced to take accountability for actions that ruin relationships.

3. FOOLS OTHERS. An inventor of the “perfect nice guy or gal persona” who screws things up to mess with your mind.

4. CAN’T CATCH ME. An inventor of the “logical debate” who, if you dare cross him/her, bears down on you like a size 12 shoe on a bug crawling across the sidewalk.

5. CONNIVES AND CONVINCES YOU TO SUPPORT THEM. Inventors of the “you owe it to yourself to look the other way and to take care of me,” seeking handouts that could poke a finger in your eye.

6. FEAR RULES. An inventor of “I’ll punish you without getting caught if you don’t go along with my plans,” that make you fear what could be coming next.

7. SCREWS THINGS UP REPEATEDLY. An inventor of mishaps, mistakes, bloopers and blunders, foul-ups, and the creator of all manner of hard feelings in relationships.

8. DON’T LISTEN, DON’T LEARN. An inventor of Relationship Attention Deficit Disorder, or the closed-mind-that-races-to-an-argument-before-your-point-of-view-is-fully-heard-or-understood syndrome.

9. WEARS YOU DOWN. An inventor of the “logical argument” that bears down on you like a screw in wood, to explain away why what s/he has done really hasn’t hurt you and yours.

10. PROMISES TO CHANGE BUT DOESN’T STICK TO IT. An inventor of the, “I will change” plea, and for a few months, while his or her back is up against the wall change happens, but s/he will return to old ways like a pig in mud.

11. APPEALS TO ALL YOU FIXER TYPES. An inventor appeals to all of you who are “fixers,” those of you who try harder to solve a partner’s problems than s/he ever will.

These are just a few of the “bait, hook, and switch” techniques that the person who drives you up a wall and down, again and again, will use as long as you let them.

FLIP WILSON’S “THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT”

My job isn’t to tell you what to do. My job is to point out to you that the person who drives you nuts is part of a nutty group who drives others nuts without intending to do so. You know who I’m talking about? Inventors who are chameleons and who change colors, depending on with whom they’re talking…you have to have a good reason for what you do, but whatever reason you have isn’t ever good enough…your intimate partner shows his/her “ugly, true side” in private at home with you when no one is watching or listening…the act, always the act, to show people publicly the good guy or gal…put themselves in the middle of psychodrama and then blame others for their situation…are always screwing things up, making you pick up the pieces and clean up the latest mess. In short, a negative person who anxiously claims that the devil of panic “made me do it,” so it’s “not my fault.”

WHY DO YOU CONSTANTLY HAVE TO PICK UP THE BROKEN PIECES OR CLEAN UP RELATIONSHIP MESSES?

You don’t constantly and chronically have to clean up the messes that an adult partner, acting like a child, constantly makes.

WHO’S DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is the developer of the landmark “Talk to Me” communication system, which systematically and effectively creates positive interpersonal and leadership communication strategies. Dennis provides corporate communication training and keynotes that make top leaders, managers, and the rank-and-file better communicators.

Be The Real Deal In Business

I had to get my laptop computer fixed. As a small business guy, I have to make good decisions on the fly, and I don’t have deep pockets to absorb expensive mistakes if I do business with the wrong person. I’ve noticed that despite high-flying talk from people who want my business, many outfits live in the lowlands of broken promises and very poor customer service. In fact, many outside consultants don’t even ask for my business or act like they are doing me a favor by taking my money.

BE THE REAL DEAL IN POSITIVE BUSINESS COMMUNICATIONS

You’re the real deal though. In fact, vendors and customers may have a hard time believing you and may negatively think, “He or she is too good to be true.” But you’re a true, ethical and decent person, and you don’t want people to take advantage of you. You put into practice in your business communications many strategies that so many others preach from the pulpit but don’t live out in the real world:

1. YOU ASK AND LISTEN FOR WHAT YOUR CUSTOMER NEEDS. You don’t tell your customers what they need, but you listen to what they tell you about their problem and how you can help them.

2. YOU HONESTLY EXPLAIN HOW YOU CAN HELP THEM. You skip the jive talking and simply provide for your customer the facts of what needs to be done to solve their problem.

3. YOU DELIVER. Eureka! You actually do what you say you’re going to do!

4. YOU DELIVER ON TIME. It’s frustrating how many people don’t deliver in the time frame agreed upon with the quality of results promised.

5. YOU SMILE REASSUREDLY WHEN YOU TALK. You seek to deliver a positive mental attitude to your customers, most of whom are probably having a terribly frustrating day.

6. YOU DON’T MAKE THE CUSTOMER FEEL STUPID. All of us struggle with being ignorant in areas outside of our expertise when we have to depend on others’ knowledge to help us succeed. You seek to make your customer feel at ease in trusting their problems to you.

7. YOU DELIVER THE GOODS AT A FAIR PRICE. You don’t live or die by the amount of money you make — you want to provide a great product at a good price. Your customers will not only come back the next time they need your help, but they will serve as a source of referrals to their friends, your future customers.

8. YOU OFFER ADDITIONAL SUGGESTIONS TO IMPROVE THE LIFE AND WEALTH OF YOUR CUSTOMER. When a customer trusts you, they will ask for your suggestions and listen to additional ways to solve their embarrassing, pesky problems.

CONFIDENCE IS COMPETENCE

Business Rule #1: Showing an attitude of confidence makes your customers think you are competent. Now, of course, you had better BE competent if you expect your business to succeed. Overall, psychologically, customers don’t want to feel stupid, feel like an odd duck, lose security, or be humiliated by the unexpected ripping apart of their status quo. YOU are the answer to their problems, don’t you know. Do you want to feel confident, positioning your company and family for increasing levels of success…and make good money, too? Of course you do!

SHOCK YOUR CUSTOMERS BY GIVING THEM WHAT THEY WANT (LACK)

Do you understand your personal power as a communicator? It requires that you have confidence in yourself, and that you skip the inferiority complex business. It means, as an Empathizer communicator, that you affirm the multitude of your talents without shyness. And it means, as an Instigator communicator, that you realize people naturally trust your confidence and want to follow your call to go down open avenues of opportunity that don’t lead over a cliff.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Communications psychologist, corporate trainer and author Dennis O’Grady has a bone to pick with Empathizer communicators. Exude confidence. Feel confident. Show your confidence, for gosh sakes! Stop lying to yourself or others, implying that you don’t own a boatload of skills and talents for hire. When you exude a lack of confidence, others will assume you have a lack of skills, when the reverse is true. Why can’t you be more like Instigator communicators who know that this confidence talk rule rules in the business world? Well, now you can. In my book “Talk to Me,” clinical research has shown that E-types are too humble and hard on themselves, and they don’t talk the self up enough during business meetings. I-types are super-confident and exuberantly promise what they may or may not be able to deliver. Hear me ye E-types: Practice in your brain being more confident four minutes a day. For example, don’t deviate from questions–answer strong–to stop selling yourself short. Say inwardly, “I’m not afraid to show my confidence.” Or, “If I don’t have confidence in my skills, who should?” And, “Would I hire the unconfident person, a person with a little confidence or a person who exudes confidence, all other things being equal?” So, if you don’t have confidence in yourself, my beloved Empathizer-type communicator, then it’s nothing personal when no one else does. Exude the confidence of a person who gets things done. If you’re serious about doing this, spend time reading about the “Talk to Me” system that helps Empathizers increase their confidence in communicating confidently. Stop fretting about being picked on, critiqued harshly, or coming up short. You have a great deal of control over whether or not you get hired or fired. Daily build confidence in your professional and business communication skills. Lecture over…for now!

The Freedom To Talk

Can you talk yourself out of a bad mood? That depends. Do you give yourself the freedom to fully feel what you do and to talk to yourself in empathetic ways that let your emotions flow in and out of your mind like white clouds in a blue sky? Heavy thoughts can get stuck in your skull like a nail in a car tire, letting your confidence escape. What discouragement doesn’t want you to remember:

1. YOU CAN PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER. The freedom to talk permits you to take little steps of hope during tough or impossible times. Example: “Scolding myself to clean off my desk and to just let go of old stuff leads me down a dead-end alley.”

2. YOU CAN CORRECT A MISTAKE. The freedom to talk permits you to correct painful past mistakes by making new choices today. Example: “I can change from being a person who is always late, to being one who is nearly always on time.”

3. YOU CAN MOVE FORWARD. The freedom to talk permits you to move forward instead of holding on to the old…clothes, knick-knacks, memories. Example: “I feel proud that I finally cleaned out my closet and donated my old clothes to Goodwill.”

4. YOU CAN FEEL HURT AND BE OPEN. The freedom to talk permits you to honor yourself when people say one thing but do another…they don’t walk the talk. Example: “What will it take for you to call home and tell me where you are going to be?”

5. YOU CAN DISCUSS INSTEAD OF DICTATE. The freedom to talk permits you to get off your soapbox and lecture less while listening more. Example: “Instead of listening to my views again, why don’t you discuss your ideas?”

6. YOU CAN GO EASY. The freedom to talk permits you to choose to wrestle the biggest alligators in the stress swamp first. Example: “I’ve got to do what’s important to me instead of what’s urgent for everybody else.”

7. YOU CAN BEFRIEND YOURSELF WHEN LIFE STINKS. The freedom to talk permits you to be nice to yourself when you feel down, off, or out of sorts. Example: “I’m not a bad apple in the orchard of life when there’s a frost freeze.”

8. YOU CAN OPEN UP DOWNED LINES OF COMMUNICATION. The freedom to talk permits you to step back and stop working so hard at one-way communication. Example: “I would be wise to be the first one to change and the last one to give advice.”

9. YOU CAN FIND FAULT-FINDING FUNNY. The freedom to talk permits you to laugh out loud when someone drops a guilt bomb on ya’. Example: “Hey, you’re talking like a wiener instead of a winner!”

Are you in the habit of talking to yourself in caring ways when hope feels as distant or slim as a tiny reed blowing in the wind?

COURAGE AND CIVILITY

Courage is the driving part of the word discouraged. Encourage yourself to move forward instead of spinning your wheels in discouragement during stormy or emotionally charged times, by using the “Talk to Me” system.

BEST BOOK MARKETING – ONLINE

“Talk to Me” is in the Semi-Finals 2007 Independent Publisher Book Awards in the category of “Best Book Marketing – Online.” The Independent Publisher Book Awards were conceived as a broad-based, unaffiliated awards program open to all members of the independent publishing industry. The awards are intended to bring increased recognition to the thousands of exemplary independent, university, and self-published titles produced each year, and reward those who exhibit the courage, innovation, and creativity to bring about change in the world of publishing. Visit www.independentpublisher.com for continuing Awards coverage.

ABOUT CORPORATE TRAINER AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

There is no law that says you have to feel good all the time to be a good person. Can you control what you say to yourself today? You bet. In fact, how you talk to yourself and to others largely determines what you do and what you don’t change, and whether your mood flies high or crashes in the low lands. Dr. Dennis O’Grady shows you the “keep it simple” ways to do just this in his latest book called “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone.” Why not show your passion? The freedom to talk essentially permits you to passionately pursue your dreams through the vehicle of understanding your own communication preferences and your opposite communicator type talk habits. Empathizer communicators, for example, can be like Instigators who don’t take a project rejection at work as a personal reflection.

Biggest Roadblocks To Good Communication

Bad communication is a result of unnecessary roadblocks that are erected on the two-way communication highway. Inattentive communication can cause you to feel like a wreck. Unexpected roadblocks can send you into a ditch. Can’t we all just get along and get where we need and want to go? Yes, in fact, in a recent “Effective Leadership Communication” seminar that I led for human resource managers in Dayton, Ohio, Empathizer and Instigator communicators felt pretty much the same way, but for different reasons. Is your company “studying and analyzing” what turns weak or bad communication into something more positive? Good move.

GROUP BRAINSTORMING THE “TALK TO ME” WAY

I split up our group of 100 managers by their communicator type. On the left side of the room were about 60 Empathizer or E-type communicators. On the right side of the room, were 40 Instigator or I-type communicators. Each small group of same-type communicators came up with their own answer to the question: “What’s the biggest roadblock to good communication?” (Before you read down the list, come up with your own answer to this very important question).

EMPATHIZER VIEWPOINT OF ROADBLOCKS TO POSITIVE COMMUNICATION

1. PERSONAL EMOTIONS. E-types correctly see that anxiety, the blues, boredom and other personally occupying emotions can disrupt open talking. Emotions can be like a noisy radio turned up way too loud.

2. NOT LISTENING. E-types correctly observe that the inability to listen, or to correctly hear what is being said, is the same as trying to drive a car without tires.

3. CLOSE-MINDEDNESS. E-types shut down and stop talking when their ideas are received with blank stares or aggressive counter-arguments.

4. NEGATIVITY. E-types are intimidated by strongly voiced opinions that “seem logically right in spite of what my gut tells me.”

5. IDEA KILLERS. E-types believe that all ideas should be put out on the communication table and given a fair hearing before a decision is made.

6. INTERRUPTIVE OVER-TALKING. E-types know that “communication interruptus” creates incomplete communication; it stifles all team members’ best solutions from being efficiently implemented.

7. EGO. E-types are too unselfish and humble. When big egos are on parade, they get quiet or back off.

8. LACK OF CONFIDENCE. E-types are overly impressed with managers who talk confidently; they’re prone to doubting their own best ideas.

9. MISUNDERSTANDING. E-types don’t want to rock the boat, and are shy to insist that new actions happen now.

So, that’s what compassionate Empathizer communicators feel are the biggest roadblocks to good communication today on the two-way communicator highway. And what do Instigators think?

INSTIGATOR VIEWPOINT OF ROADBLOCKS TO POSITIVE COMMUNICATION

1. PERSONAL BELIEFS. I-types say holding onto preconceived ideas impedes your ability to listen cooperatively, and causes inattentive or careless talking, much like taking your eyes off the road while driving.

2. NOT LISTENING. I-types correctly observe that when others can “see the vision” held in their minds, there is a greater chance that this map will be used for the long communication journey ahead.

3. NOT COMMUNICATING. I-types know that speakers are discouraged from speaking up again if listeners are not able to repeat verbatim what was said or do not demonstrate an understanding of the speaker’s comments.

4. FAILURE TO USE TWO-WAY TALKS. I-types are intimidated by uncontrolled emotions; they view “negativity” as one-way communication fraught with bad feelings, communication that won’t allow for co-equal and fair discussions.

5. CREATING A DISCONNECT. I-types believe that good ideas are killed off when there is a relationship disconnect or dictatorship.

6. MULTI-TASKING. I-types believe that “multi-tasking” disrupts careful listening that aids the strategic decision-making process, because multi-tasking interrupts careful listening, learning and sorting through difficult data.

7. BLOCKED COMMUNICATION. I-types vow to use a two-way communication system, because they know one-way talks are unstable over the long haul, much like running on fumes in an empty gas tank.

8. DISTORTED INFORMATION. I-types are afraid of distorted information; they also don’t like “impression management” that is designed to make someone believe as you do and overlook what you have done.

9. STUCK SPINNING YOUR WHEELS IN RUT OF A MISUNDERSTANDING. I-types don’t mind rocking the boat. They believe that leading somewhere is better than being nowhere.

So, that’s what passionate I-types view as the leading causes for communication breakdowns, or a failure to communicate, that makes everyone feel like a failure.

THE WHOLE BRAIN OF THE BALANCED COMMUNICATOR

Together, E- and I-types make a “whole brain” that includes a high Emotional I.Q. and a high Logical I.Q. “Adopting the strengths” of your opposite communicator type, leads to a synergy that makes everyone check the box of, “My manager is a good communicator.”

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady consults with corporations and business leaders and managers who desire to improve their communication to improve their results. He pioneered the “Talk to Me” communication system, and author of three books, the latest “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” Dr. O’Grady gratefully acknowledges the McGohan Brabender team for hosting this state-of-the-art “Effective Leadership Communication” seminar for Human Resource managers and leaders in the Dayton region.