All posts by : Dr. Dennis O'Grady

A butterfly is a beautiful symbol of impossible transformations made possible. My mother grew wings while spending her last days on Earth in the “Butterflies Are Free” unit in hospice. I watched as Mom grew weaker and weaker, slowly sliding into a coma cocoon that fate proclaimed she would soon pop out of and take flight.

WHAT DOES YOUR LIFE STAND FOR?

Mom quietly had me record this final message from Grandma to her granddaughters. I grabbed my laptop and typed away, as I sat sadly beside Mom’s bed, listening with all my will to her faint words. (Mom was the one who made me SO mad in high school, because she made me take typing class, and now I type like the wind.)

This is what Mom wanted my three daughters to know about what Grandma O’Grady’s life stood for.

I hope I’ve told you often enough how much I appreciate and love you. I’m so happy that you came into my life. I can’t believe how lucky I am, and how lovely you are. I’m just so lucky. I was so lucky…lucky…lucky that God blessed me to have you in my life. I’m so grateful that you are a part of my life. You’ll be all right, I think. You’ll be all right if you just go your happy way and live your own life. You just have to find your own way. Find your own path, that’s what I did. I always tried to be good. I wanted to be kind and honest with people. I wanted to honor the people I met. I wanted to try to give the extra-loving measure. There’s enough criticism around…I just wanted to be kind and decent. I wanted to be honest and decent, not hateful and mean. I wanted to live a single purpose of love. I just wanted to be kind to everybody.

BUTTERFLIES ARE FREE

Mom and I stayed together on the “Butterflies are Free” unit at the Life Care Center of Sarasota. The Florida wind howled that night Mom passed over. Some spiritual traditions say the winds announce to the world that a much beloved soul—who has been able to live a life of love—is being heralded by the Heavens.

I know that to be so.

WHO IS DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is the author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone. Talk to Me is dedicated to Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady. Dennis is a loving son, brother, husband and father, who believes now that “Death is Gentle.” Dr. O’Grady can be reached at www.drogrady.com.

You hear many soothing things when your mother dies. “She’s in a better place.” “She lived a long and happy life.” “Now she can be an angel to you, your brother and many others.” My favorite came from a Christian man named Billy, who strapped the lifeless body of my mother to the gurney sometime after midnight, to take her to The Good Earth Crematory. “You only have one mother, Denny, you only get one of those!” said Billy. “And don’t you guys be worried, I am a Christian, and I will take care of her like she was my own mom.”

A LETTER OF LOVE TO MY MOTHER

What attitudes, good and bad, have you inherited from your mom? While cleaning out Mom’s apartment the day after her death, I came across this letter, which I sent to Mom in November, 2003.

Hi Mom:

I’ve enclosed an article by Mary McCarty called “You only get one mother.” It makes me think how irreplaceable, how unique a human being you are. Mom, you are a beautiful source of ever-loving inspiration to me…an abundant spring of strength!

So, I believe it’s high time to exhort the values you inspired me to take on:

Of STRENGTH: To stay strong even when I feel weak and unconfident that sureness will ever come again.

Of UNCONDITIONAL POSITIVE REGARD: To cease holding any court of judgment over another man’s actions, emotions, or decisions, and instead focus on improving my own life.

Of BROTHERLY LOVE: To give my best…my all…my strongest energies, to keep life lasting and positive loving bonds strong between me and my brother, Al.

Of DETERMINATION: To do a job well against any odds, simply because that’s the right work ethic by which to live.

Of SENSIBILITY: To pick my wars carefully. I won’t fight just to prove a point or to make someone else’s point wrong.

Of FAMILY: To choose to love my dear wife, and to protect the inner child of my children from the insults of a wicked world.

Of BLUNT HONESTY: To acknowledge the bitter and the sweet sides to life without shirking this bittersweet reality.

Of CHARITY: To share money that I have been blessed to earn, with those who walk in less fortunate shoes.

Of HUMOR: To laugh when I am happy, cry when I am sad, speak softly when I am vulnerable, and be the first to laugh at my own quirkiness.

Of GOOD CHEER: To face the new day optimistically, refusing to hide in the shadows of self-despair.

Of KEPT PROMISES: To make my word as good as gold, doing what I’ve promised to do in a timely manner.

Of HEALTHY SKEPTICISM: To steer clear of the false prophet called fear, which will steal my peace of mind and then sell me trouble I don’t want or need.

Of HONOR: Honor my most honorable parents, who offered me new solutions to old problems at unexpected times in life.

Of MYSTICAL SPIRITUALITY: To open my mind and seek wisdom from alternative sources of wellness, such as astrology and positive psychology.

Of ROOTS: To value ancestry, Irish culture, and elders as a font of wisdom and celebration.

Of FREEDOM: To make up my own mind and base my life on my own dreams, instead of going along with another’s mindset that could create my worst nightmare. Perhaps this is the most valuable lesson you taught me….

Thank you for holding me in your heart during the good times, and more importantly during the not-so-good times, Ma. It is because of your steadfast faith and love, Mom, that I can be who I am.

Always, My Ever-Lasting Love…Your boy, Denny.

WHO’S DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is the author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone. Talk to Me is dedicated to Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady. Dennis is a loving father, husband, son and brother who believes now that “Death is Gentle.” Dr. O’Grady is a corporate trainer and keynote speaker, whom you can reach at www.drogrady.com. Billy Tompkins and Karin Tompkins can be reached at tompkins@ij.net or on the Web at GoodEarthCrematory.com.

Mom practiced saying her final good-byes while in hospice care. I will recall her courageous words fondly the rest of my life. “We are the Three Musketeers, and we will always be ‘one for all and all for one.'” Then Mom corrected herself and added our departed dad back into the mix to make it “The Four Musketeers.” Then Mom, being the “leader” subtype Instigator extrovert, she further directed: “Here, let’s put our hands together on my chest, Al and Denn, and let’s together promise it for all time.” And so we did, as tears streamed down our brave mouths melting our adult faces and reality alongwith it.

TWO RIGHTS DON’T MAKE A WRONG

Mom would be the first to say she wasn’t perfect. But Mom’s optimism, faith and unconditional love and acceptance repaired my soul and my brother Al’s spirit during a harrowing two weeks of final goodbye-saying. Mom knew Al and I were falling apart here! She would say, “I feel really at peace, and in no pain at all, really.” But Mom had a hole in her back the size of a fist. Mom also knew my Achilles Heel: that my spirit wears thin from self-projected prejudice, ignorance, lack of awareness, and lame blame games. I don’t go for, “But I didn’t mean to do it. Wouldn’t you have done the same thing in my shoes? I had to take a stand and right that wrong, ya know.” Mom always said “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”

EMOTIONAL RESPONSE-ABILITY

Strip me naked, and I have a very clear set of instructions about emotional responsibility learned in my “talking with and watching” Mom. Here’s what Mom taught me to live by:

• Fly through foul weather like a duck.
• Sticks and stones can break bones, and words forever hurt.
• It doesn’t hurt to grease the skids with politeness.
• You can’t be false to others and true to yourself at the same time.
• Being decent and kind isn’t for the faint-hearted.
• Getting the last laugh isn’t ever very funny.
• Hypocrites smile in church on Sunday, and talk behind backs on Monday.
• Revenge is sweet and fattening.
• Hate is the little dictator you don’t want to salute.
• If you don’t live your own life, someone else will.
• Worrying is a waste of time, but that won’t stop you.
• Walk your talk or shut up.
• Being “right” is almost always wrong.
  
• Two wrongs don’t make anything right.
• Hate is the drug of the small mind.
• If you can’t get along, perhaps you should stop trying.
• What goes around comes around, including positive paybacks.
• A kind word never hurt anyone.
• No one can keep you down for long without your consent.
• True courage is being you in a roomful of fakes.
• The grass is always greenest where you take care of it.
• Look for the good in people, and you will find it every single time.

LOOK FOR THE GOOD IN PEOPLE, AND YOU WILL FIND IT EVERY SINGLE TIME

My second work, “No Hard Feelings,” helps one learn how to heal relationship resentments. It is the core of life lessons by which Mom taught me to live. “Lessons of Love” I would call them now.

LESSONS OF LOVE

In one of our sweet remembrances and sad goodbyes, Mom quipped: “Well, I think we’ve said all we need to say, haven’t we? So let’s just say Good-bye, Good Luck, and Good Lovin’!” She laughed at her last word twist on the WWII broadcast theme of Edward R. Murrow. I’m beginning to understand now what a loving soul you’ve always been, Mom. You are way ahead of the “I’m right and you’re wrong” excuses! You’ve quietly stood for responsive love in a mixed-up world that often reacts solely from personal pain and interpersonal psychodrama.

Godspeed to you, my beloved adult friend and mother. Good-bye, good luck, and good lovin’!

YOU CAN’T TAKE IT WITH YOU

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is the author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone. Talk to Me is dedicated to Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady. Dennis is a loving son, brother, and father to three daughters, all of whom now believe Mom’s teaching that “Death is Gentle.” Dr. O’Grady can be reached at www.drogrady.com.

My mother, Betty Merrill O’Grady, passed away gracefully on April 15^th. My latest book, “Talk to Me,” is dedicated to Mom and the values for which she stood. Mom passed away peacefully, with few or no regrets, as I sat stroking her beautiful face and chatting with her about all the places she would go and see. She had spent the last two weeks of her life filling the ears of all who came near her with tidings of unconditional love and thankfulness.

As you know, people who are dying pass on their cherished possessions and life lessons to their loved ones. Mom made certain to gift me with a brightly painted hand-carved mallard duck. I remember that duck always sitting calmly on my childhood fireplace. Nestled in its back were long stick matches to start a fire, from the logs I would carry in from the woodpile in the dead of a Michigan winter. Why did Mom want me to have that stupid duck? Now I must confess, I would often unmercifully tease Mom about a great many things. Maybe this was her way to exact motherly revenge!

Anyway, some days after Mom passed away, and my older brother and I tied up loose ends, Al dropped me off at the Sarasota airport. So there I was, passing through the security zone, carrying that wooden duck the size of a Fenton football under my arm. I couldn’t just jam it into my suitcase! And under my other arm was a Cinderella rubber ball that my frail 86-year-old Mom would bat back-and-forth with my youngest daughter, Kasey, then 10. I must have been quite a sight to security personnel with my swollen eyes, big odd-fitting grin, loose grief lips, melting face and stupid wooden duck in tow! Oh well, after I turned 50 I decided I could drop off all the Joe Cool stuff.

There I stood ready to be searched. Rolling around in my brain like a BB in a gun barrel was “Why the duck Mom?” “O.K., Mom, why give me the flippin’ duck?” As a psychologist, I was flummoxed by the sage question “What symbol does the duck carry with it?” And “What implied message is Mom trying to send me and asking for me to hear and pass along?” Hey, you can’t ever escape from being a psychologist, you know!

The light soon would be turned on. The gentle-faced security screener joked, “I’ve never seen a wooden mallard duck carried though security before. Is it special?” Then I unashamedly blurted out the whole story of my mom’s passing (how I hadn’t been away from my kids this long before, and my clients were all really understanding of my need to rearrange appointments, AND…) to this kind, silver-haired fellow.

He shot back, “Gosh, I know what the message might be from your mom.”

I played along, “You do? What do you suppose Mom’s trying to tell me?”

“Be like the duck and fly through foul weather!” he said warmly with a wry twinkle in his lively eyes.

What a wonderful message: “Be like a duck and fly through foul weather.” When you are in a swamp of grief … be like a duck. When your tears are falling like a rainstorm … be like a duck. When you feel lost and lonely … be like the duck. When the winds of change are blowing hurricane force–Fly on.

It’s been 24 days since Mom “changed neighborhoods.” Early this morning when I got out of my car in my office parking lot, a bright mallard duck was streaking through the purplish-pinkish sky adorned with a May half-moon as a soothing backdrop for my troubled brain.

“Hey, Mom! You’re such a sweetie!!”  I heartily laughed.  “I’m trying to shape up and fly right like a duck!”

Then I cried.

I guess even ducks cry sometimes.

ABOUT THE PIONEER WORK OF TALK TO ME

To all of us mourning our losses and moving on: “Be like the duck and fly through fowl weather!” I always loved playing word games with my mom. Happy Mother’s Day Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady. I know you’re enjoying your flights and sights. Of all the people I know, I’m sure you’re surrounded by 100,000 angels who sometimes take on the appearance of ducks.

ABOUT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

The deeper underlying psychological theory of the Talk to Me communication system is based on mother-daughter and mother-son communication vs. miscommunication. Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is a professional psychologist, beloved second son and younger brother, proud husband and father of three daughters who miss Grandma O’Grady terribly. You are such a sweetie Mom! Fly on your way!

BEST BOOK MARKETING – ONLINE

“Talk to Me” is in the Semi-Finals 2007 Independent Publisher Book Awards in the category of “Best Book Marketing – Online.” The Independent Publisher Book Awards were conceived as a broad-based, unaffiliated awards program open to all members of the independent publishing industry. The awards are intended to bring increased recognition to the thousands of exemplary independent, university, and self-published titles produced each year, and reward those who exhibit the courage, innovation, and creativity to bring about change in the world of publishing. Visit www.independentpublisher.com for continuing Awards coverage.

What do you say to a dying person, especially if she is your 86-year-old mother who is looking forward to dying, growing more frail and fragile by the day? Mom wasn’t long for this world when I decided to read the following prayer from Home with God: In A Life That Never Ends (p. 296-297) by Neale Donald Walsch.

“The God of your understanding is with you now, even in this hour, at this precise moment. If you have no understanding of God, that will not matter. God is still here, in this place, with you right now, whispering to your soul, “You are welcome, whenever you are ready to come Home.”

You shall not be turned away, not for any cause or reason. If there be cause or reason you believe to be valid, God—should you want God to—in this moment invalidates it. God—should you want God to—in this moment erases it. God—should you want God to—in this moment makes all paths clear, all roads straight, saying, “Make way for my beloved, who chooses to be Home with God.”

This prayer is offered for you, wonderful child of the universe, as you embark on the most joyful journey you have ever taken, filled with wondrous surprises. A journey into the greatest happiness you have ever known, and the grandest experience you will ever have.

Dream now of glorious things. Dream of every fantasy come true. Dream of every pain disappearing, of everything of which time has robbed you being given back to you again. Dream of seeing loved ones once more—those who have gone before and those who will follow.

Know for a certainty that when you leave here, you will be again with all those who have held a place in your heart and have gone before. And do not worry about those you leave behind, for you will see them, too, again and again, and love them, too, again and again, through all eternity, and even in the present moment. For there can be no separation where there is love, and no waiting where there is only Now.

Smile, then, at the joyful anticipation of what is in store. These gifts have been laid up for you, and God has only been waiting for you to return Home to receive them. Peace, joy, and love are you, and are yours, now and always. So it is, and so it shall be, for ever and ever. Amen.”

AN OCEAN OF EMOTION

I didn’t expect Mom to perk up while listening to this message, but she did. Mom whispered to me in a tired voice: “I really like the message in this verse, Denny. It’s very soothing and nice.” I was heartened how gladly Mom basked in the sunny words by this ocean of emotion of a message. Mom asked me to re-read the passage several times over the two week course of her final stages of life.

“Peace, joy, and love” are YOU, my one and only, Mom.

ABOUT PSYCHOLOGIST, SPEAKER AND AUTHOR DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is the author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone. Talk to Me is dedicated to Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady. Dennis is a loving son, brother, father, husband and psychologist who now fully believes “Death is Gentle.” Dennis can be reached at www.drogrady.com.