Death Is Gentle

It was six past midnight. A warm Florida breeze poured in through the open courtyard window, bathing my 86-year-old dying mom and me in the open arms of angelic comfort. Mom had been in Hospice care for a few days now. A broken hip-spill a month ago had a domino effect on her already frail health. A few minutes after midnight is a solid time to talk, in the timeless zone of a brightly blazing mother-son love.

Mom could hold hands, talk fairly clearly, but do precious little else. Although Mom could slowly lift her hand to scratch her nose, she soon decided against the feat, because it cost her body more energy than it was worth. So there I sat, exhausted. There I sat, praying my strength would last and my courage hold out. There I sat, wishing for a miracle. In the meantime, I would be true to the lessons my mother demonstrated to me over this lifetime.

I wasn’t in desperate straits. Mom and I were again lost in the pleasures of strolling down memory lane. We had enjoyed long talks over the years about a great many topics. Now, Mom was glad that I had flown in from Dayton for an in-person chat-a-thon. Ready or not, death was no longer playing hide-and-seek, but had shown up for good this time. “Ready or not, here I come!” death chanted amidst the leaves rustling in the wind outside her open window at Life Care. Ah, how sweet it is: Mom and I were blessed with many years of “good talking” together.

Mom liked to discuss passages before and after death, and talk about what was to come. While I was holding Mom’s hand, my face near to hers, she said in a hoarse whisper, “I have a message for you, Denny. It’s the strangest thing. I’ve never thought of myself as a messenger, or special, and certainly not any more special than the next person. But there’s a message for you, I need to tell you what it is. And I want you to tell the world about this: DEATH IS GENTLE.”

Death is gentle! Death is gentle? Death isn’t dark or heartless, cruel or unkind. Death isn’t a payback for your or my wrongs, or bad things done to good people. Death isn’t isolation, or a doorway marked Hell. Death isn’t destructive, or something to be chronically and constantly feared. Death isn’t hateful or spiteful. Death doesn’t leave you hanging, feeling hopeless and helpless, on a string about ready to snap, of broken relationship promises. No, those are things human beings do to other human beings in the name of being “right” or feeling all right when pain sears the brain.

Death is none of those things. Death is gentle. The message Mom gave me and you: “Death is gentle.” But that didn’t make it any easier for me to say good-bye to you, my sweet, gentle mother.

ABOUT PSYCHOLOGIST, SPEAKER AND AUTHOR DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is the author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone. Talk to Me is dedicated to Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady. Dennis is a loving son, brother, father, husband and psychologist who now fully believes “Death is Gentle.” Dennis can be reached at www.drogrady.com.

Foggy Communication

Many spoken sentences are like fog that makes driving on the two-way communicator highway very dicey. For example, “You just don’t understand!” If you’re driving down the two-way communication highway when road conditions are foggy, mistakes can be costly.

7 COMMUNICATION MISTAKES TO AVOID

Common foggy communication mistakes that cause talk crashes at work and home:

Communication Mistake #1: You worry too much, and your worry disrupts clear communication in your “keep your talk tight” relationships.

Communication Mistake #2: You turn into a control freak, one who freaks out when you aren’t in control of everything.

Communication Mistake #3: You are a know-it-all who is blissfully blind to your own dangerous ignorance.

Communication Mistake #4: You “listen with half an ear” or with a closed mind to the speaker, ready only to launch your next “talk over them” argument.

Communication Mistake #5: You claim that you don’t have any resentment luggage or junk in your trunk, although you do have a few big carry-on bags that interfere with interpersonal closeness.

Communication Mistake #6: Victim talkers expect compensation for hurts that happen in life on a fairly routine basis. Victors instead say, “I may be broken-hearted, but I am not broken.”

Communication Mistake #7: Failing to learn something new about good communication moves on a daily basis.

KEEP YOUR COMMUNICATION SIMPLE

Got a headache from bad talk and confusing communication? Then slow down a little to account for the fog on the talk road, and go easy until the sun burns it off.

“Keep your communication simple” by first paying attention to your positive communicator attitude. Make a point of interpersonal power, to communicate clearly with others during times when the road ahead is difficult to see.

ABOUT EFFECTIVE LEADERSHIP COMMUNICATION AUTHOR DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is a corporate trainer, professional keynote speaker and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone,” available at www.drogrady.com. Dennis is from Dayton, Ohio, and founder of New Insights Communication, a firm that specializes in positive and effective communication strategies.

Instigator Viewpoint Of Roadblocks To Positive Communication

Now you know what compassionate Empathizer communicators (E-types) feel are the biggest roadblocks to good communication today on the two-way communicator highway. But what do Instigator (I-types) communicators think blocks off important communication avenues? Overall, I-types push hard to forget about the past and move on, because they know one-way talks block positive communication, much like running on fumes in an empty gas tank.

GROUP BRAINSTORMING THE “TALK TO ME” WAY

I recently divided a group of 100 HR managers by their communicator type in a training exercise at McGohan Brabender in Dayton, Ohio. On the left side of the room were about 60 Empathizer or E-type communicators. On the right side of the room, were 40 Instigator or I-type communicators. Each small group of same-type communicators came up with their own answer to the question: “What’s the biggest roadblock to good communication?” (Before you read down the list, come up with your own answer to this very important question).

INSTIGATOR VIEWPOINT OF ROADBLOCKS TO POSITIVE COMMUNICATION

1. PERSONAL BELIEFS. I-types say holding onto preconceived ideas impedes your ability to listen cooperatively, and causes inattentive or careless talking, much like taking your eyes off the road while driving.

2. NOT LISTENING. I-types correctly observe that when others can “see the vision” held in their minds, there is a greater chance that this map will be used for the long communication journey ahead.

3. NOT COMMUNICATING. I-types know that speakers are discouraged from speaking up again if listeners are not able to repeat verbatim what was said or do not demonstrate an understanding of the speaker’s comments.

4. FAILURE TO USE TWO-WAY TALKS. I-types are intimidated by uncontrolled emotions; they view “negativity” as one-way communication fraught with bad feelings, communication that won’t allow for co-equal and fair discussions.

5. CREATING A DISCONNECT. I-types believe that good ideas are killed off when there is a relationship disconnect or dictatorship.

6. MULTI-TASKING. I-types believe that “multi-tasking” disrupts careful listening that aids the strategic decision-making process, because multi-tasking interrupts careful listening, learning and sorting through difficult data.

7. BLOCKED COMMUNICATION. I-types vow to use a two-way communication system, because they know one-way talks are unstable over the long haul, much like running on fumes in an empty gas tank.

8. DISTORTED INFORMATION. I-types are afraid of distorted information; they also don’t like “impression management” that is designed to make someone believe as you do and overlook what you have done.

9. STUCK SPINNING YOUR WHEELS IN RUT OF A MISUNDERSTANDING. I-types don’t mind rocking the boat. They believe that leading somewhere is better than being nowhere.

So, that’s what passionate I-types view as the leading causes for communication breakdowns, or a failure to communicate, that makes everyone feel like a failure. But what do our sensitive Empathizer communicators think?

THE WHOLE BRAIN OF THE BALANCED COMMUNICATOR

Together, E- and I-types make a “whole brain” that includes a high Emotional I.Q. and a high Logical I.Q. “Adopting the strengths” of your opposite communicator type, leads to a synergy that makes everyone check the box of, “My manager is a good communicator.”

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady consults with corporations and business leaders and managers who desire to improve their communication to improve their results. He is developer of the “Talk to Me” communication system, and author of three books, the latest “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” Dr. O’Grady gratefully acknowledges the McGohan Brabender team for hosting this state-of-the-art “Effective Leadership Communication” seminar for Human Resource managers and leaders in the Dayton region.

EMPATHIZER VIEWPOINT OF ROADBLOCKS TO POSITIVE COMMUNICATION

In an earlier article, I discussed the Empathizer communicator perspective of roadblocks to good communication:

1. PERSONAL EMOTIONS
2. NOT LISTENING
3. CLOSE-MINDEDNESS
4. NEGATIVITY
5. IDEA KILLERS
6. INTERRUPTIVE LISTENING
7. EGO
8. LACK OF CONFIDENCE
9. MISUNDERSTANDING

Is your company “studying and analyzing” what turns weak or bad communication into something more positive? Are you studying good communication moves with your life partner, too? Good move.

Empathizer Viewpoint Of Roadblocks To Positive Communication

Bad communication is a result of unnecessary roadblocks that are erected on the two-way communication highway. Inattentive communication can cause you to feel like a wreck. Unexpected roadblocks can send you into a ditch. Can’t we all just get along and get where we need and want to go? Yes, in fact, in a recent “Effective Leadership Communication” seminar that I led for human resource managers for McGohan Brabender in Dayton, Ohio. Empathizer and Instigator communicators felt pretty much the same way, about closed communication and how to keep lines of communication open, but for different reasons.

EMPATHIZER VIEWPOINT OF ROADBLOCKS TO POSITIVE COMMUNICATION

Is your company “studying and analyzing” what turns weak or bad communication into something more positive? Are you studying good communication moves with your life partner? Good move. Here are the 9 communication killers according to 100 HR managers who are sensitive souls:

1. PERSONAL EMOTIONS. E-types correctly see that anxiety, the blues, boredom and other personally occupying emotions can disrupt open talking. Emotions can be like a noisy radio turned up way too loud.

2. NOT LISTENING. E-types correctly observe that the inability to listen, or to correctly hear what is being said, is the same as trying to drive a car without tires.

3. CLOSE-MINDEDNESS. E-types shut down and stop talking when their ideas are received with blank stares or aggressive counter-arguments.

4. NEGATIVITY. E-types are intimidated by strongly voiced opinions that “seem logically right in spite of what my gut tells me.”

5. IDEA KILLERS. E-types believe that all ideas should be put out on the communication table and given a fair hearing before a decision is made.

6. INTERRUPTIVE LISTENING. E-types know that “communication interruptus” creates incomplete communication; it stifles all team members’ best solutions from being efficiently implemented.

7. EGO. E-types are too unselfish and humble. When big egos are on parade, they get quiet or back off.

8. LACK OF CONFIDENCE. E-types are overly impressed with managers who talk confidently; they’re prone to doubting their own best ideas.

9. MISUNDERSTANDING. E-types don’t want to rock the boat, and are shy to insist that new actions happen now.

So, that’s what compassionate Empathizer communicators feel are the biggest roadblocks to good communication today on the two-way communicator highway. And what do Instigators think?

THE WHOLE BRAIN OF THE BALANCED COMMUNICATOR

Together, E- and I-types make a “whole brain” that includes a high Emotional I.Q. and a high Logical I.Q. “Adopting the strengths” of your opposite communicator type, leads to a synergy that makes everyone check the box of, “My manager is a good communicator.”

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady consults with corporations and business leaders and managers who desire to improve their communication to improve their results. He is developer of the “Talk to Me” communication system, and author of three books, the latest “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” Dr. O’Grady gratefully acknowledges the McGohan Brabender team for hosting this state-of-the-art “Effective Leadership Communication” seminar for Human Resource managers and leaders in the Dayton region.

INSTIGATOR VIEWPOINT OF ROADBLOCKS TO POSITIVE COMMUNICATION

What do passionate Instigator (I-types) communicators view as the leading causes for communication breakdowns, or a failure to communicate, that makes everyone feel like a failure?

1. PERSONAL BELIEFS
2. NOT LISTENING
3. NOT COMMUNICATING
4. FAILURE TO USE TWO-WAY TALKS
5. CREATING A DISCONNECT
6. MULTI-TASKING
7. BLOCKED COMMUNICATION
8. DISTORTED INFORMATION
9. STUCK SPINNING YOUR WHEELS IN RUT OF A MISUNDERSTANDING

Proven Communication Strategies To Deal With Employees In A Small Business

You’ve invested your nest egg in a small business. Your business plan will work. You have the “fire in the belly” of the emerging entrepreneur. You are not lazy, and you are willing to work around the clock to make your dreams come true. You’ve hired good people, correctly read your success compass or GPD, and are heading in the right direction. You’re a little nervous, but optimistic.

GOOD TALK HABITS AT WORK

So what communication strategies (or “good talk habits”) do real-life entrepreneurs use? I posed that very question to Brenda and Rick Weber, who established and own The Cobblestone Village and Cafe in Waynesville, Ohio. In their own words, they routinely use these seven keys to keep lines of communication open with their employees:

1. MAKE YOURSELF ACCESSIBLE. Routinely ask “How’s it going?” and listen with interest to the responses.

Example: “This is done by checking in with employees daily, maybe several times a day, to let them know you are interested in what they’re doing. That way you don’t isolate yourself in an office everyday.”

2. WORK AS A TEAM WITH EMPLOYEES. Constantly build a “We-Team” and can-do attitude vs. a “Me-Team.”

Example: “We try to do this each day by pitching in and by physically or intellectually helping out wherever help is needed. Do not always be the one who delegates; be the helper too!”

3. INCLUDE EMPLOYEES IN DECISION-MAKING. Especially encourage your quieter employees to speak up.

Example: “The best way this works for us is by addressing job-related problems, improvements, and changes with the employees. Solicit their feedback and solutions, then integrate their ideas with our ideas.”

4. BE FLEXIBLE. Keep focusing on doing what works and making it just a little bit better each day.

Example: “How we do this is by offering different ways or options of achieving the desired result. For instance, if the stockroom needs organized, I let employees pick the best time to do it, as long as it gets finished by the end of the week. Or, I don’t mind if you take a certain day off as long as you work it out with your work partner and let me know.

5. CELEBRATE THE LITTLE THINGS. Celebrate the journey instead of the destination.

Example: “Let employees know you appreciate what they do, and talk about how they do it. If an employee helps you design a Web site for your company and they do a great job, let them know immediately that you love what they have done, and that you really appreciate their talents in this area.”

6. HAVE INTEGRITY. Do what you say you are going to do and be trustworthy.

Example: “We love this one! If you tell an employee that you are going to follow through on something or help them work on a project, then do it! If a circumstance arises so that you cannot participate, then tell them ahead of time instead of just not doing it! Let employees know they can trust you with their confidences.”

7. MAKE IT A FUN PLACE TO WORK. Work is supposed to be fun, challenging, and enjoyable.

Example: “Be happy and positive as a manager or boss. Then fun and happiness will trickle down and follow you everywhere!”

Use these simple yet effective leadership communication secrets as you ride along the two-way communication highway toward a town called Success.

Dennis O’Grady

Dennis O’Grady is the author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone. He is a Dayton-based corporate trainer and can be reached at www.drogrady.com.