Alpha Moms’ Communication Style

Excellence in motherhood has again hit the newsstands! Have you heard of “Alpha Moms,” the new breed of multitasking trendsetters who are kid-centric, and who feel most relaxed while juggling lots of balls? Did you know that leading companies, such as Procter and Gamble, and big marketers alike are wagging their tails and drooling over them? Stay down now! “Alpha Moms” is the newest moniker created by Constance Van Flandern.

ALPHA MOMS–INSTIGATORS OF CHANGE?

Alpha Moms are instigators of change. But did you know that most Alpha Moms are also Instigator-type (I-type) communicators? Consider these comparisons:

1. MULTITASKING EXPERTS. An Alpha Mom is happiest multitasking. Instigator communicators like to save precious time to accomplish more, like talking on the phone while working on the computer.

Downside: Alpha Mom I-types are less comfortable asking for help when they run into a problem that can’t easily be solved.

2. PROGRESS-CENTRIC. An Alpha Mom is kid-centric and hands-on, whether or not she works outside the home. Instigator communicators are progress-centered, love to solve problems, and embrace change as a way of life.

Downside: Alpha Mom I-types can become very impatient and frustrated, when their plans don’t materialize fast enough.

3. TECH-SAVVY HAPPY. An Alpha Mom enjoys finding out how new techno-gadgets work, because she is power-centered and loves to command the center of attention. Instigator communicators are perceived as strong personality types by family and associates.

Downside: Alpha Mom I-types don’t do well with boredom and can be neglectful of their romantic partners’ needs.

4. ENJOYS DEBATING AND WINNING. An Alpha Mom talks confidently and easily wins debates, taking pride in being the first to achieve a goal. Instigator communicators are world class debaters and exceptionally strong-willed souls. They live by the rule: “If you aren’t going to lead, then get out of my way!”

Downside: Alpha Mom I-types are criticized for being too stubborn and covering up their insecurities, and going after points at the expense of a relationship to prove their self-worth.

5. INFLUENCERS. An Alpha Mom is an initiator and creator of social opinion, of what’s popular or ditzy. Instigator communicators believe in making listeners quickly come around to their viewpoint.

Downside: Alpha Mom I-types are criticized for listening with only a half-ear, and not including the opinions of the “quiet, meek and shy” around the Communicator Table.

6. CONFIDENT DECIDERS. An Alpha Mom makes up her mind, and thrives on sharing her view of what way is the right way to go. Instigator communicators believe there is a right way and a wrong way to drive down the two-way communication highway.

Downside: Alpha Mom I-types can be negatively perceived as one-way communicators who are control freaks, too pushy, self-centered, intriguing, complex women who loudly talk over others.

DO YOU PREFER TO BE AN INSTIGATOR OF CHANGE?

Bruce Horovitz’s USA Today article “Alpha Moms leap to top of trendsetters: Multitasking, tech-savvy women are expected to be next to watch.” (03/27/07) provides a concise thumbnail sketch of Alpha Moms. A fun quote by “Alpha Mom” moniker creater Van Flandern: “I’m at my Alpha-Mommy-est when I have the most balls in the air: It’s multitasking to the nth degree. It’s like training for the Olympics. Most of all, it’s fun.”

Likewise, you can read my list of the top 40 top traits of the Instigator communicator on page 97 of my book “Talk to Me.”

ARE YOU AN I-TYPE COMMUNICATOR WHO IS POWER-CENTERED, LIKES TO INFLUENCE; PREFERS TO BE AN INSTIGATOR OF CHANGE?

How to know if you are an Alpha Mom Instigator-type communicator? Well, generally speaking, you boldly push forward a parenting agenda, without ever taking negative feedback too personally. Still not sure? You can test your communicator type, and receive a free confidential report with no marketing strings attached, by going to “What’s Your Type?” at www.drogrady.com.

CHANGE AGENTS ARE SOCIAL LEADERS WHO IGNITE MARKETS

My communication leadership research has determined that most natural born leaders of both genders are Instigator-type communicators who love to lead and dominate in their chosen fields. Last but not least: My communication studies also find that an Alpha Mom Instigator communicator is more likely to be married to a “Beta Dad” who is an Empathizer-type communicator. Opposites do seem to attract, for better and worse.

ABOUT CORPORATE TRAINER, RELATIONSHIP COUNSELOR AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. O’Grady’s leadership communication studies cited in his third book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” indicate that an “Alpha Mom” is more likely to be married to a “Beta Dad” who is an Empathizer-type communicator. E-types are more comfortable with being behind-the-scenes workhorses, and prefer to follow strong leaders who are ethical and have a strong sense of integrity irregardless of gender. Empathizers have a strong distaste for hypocrisy, and their energy is drained by NegaTalkers. O’Grady works with companies, organizations and families who wish to be better communicators using his cutting edge communication system that makes change happen fast and last.

NegaTalkers: People At Work Who Drain You

Are you bullish on negative news or positive news in the workplace? Do you stand by as an energy thief sticks a siphon in your communicator car gas tank, sucks your juicy motivational energy dry, and makes your get up and go, well, all gone and spent? Is your office space a place negatalkers come to vent about the latest work woe, scandal or gossip tidbit? Then chances are, you might be your own worst energy-draining enemy.

NEGATALKERS ARE NOT REALISTS WHO ARE HELPING, BUT PESSIMISTS WHO ARE HURTING EVERYONE

I’m not blaming everyone who is negative, because that alone’s their full-time job. I’m just saying that you’ve got to give your energy a chance, and turn off negative talk news stations at work. How to know if you’re a negatalker, or a condoner of negatalking:

1. EXTREMISM. Negatalkers blows things WAY out of proportion in ways that speak of lurking disasters and unmitigated emergencies.

2. WORRY WART. Negatalkers focus a 100-power magnifying telescope on even the smallest of worries in your brain, and thus turn a rolling snowball into an avalanche that all but kills the hope of personal change.

3. ROAD TAR. Negatalkers’ “psychocritiques” stick to you like tarry black goo or goop on your bright blue or burnt orange communicator car. “You should make me happy!” is the whine used to promote feeling good about bad feelings and taking on a pessimistic life view.

4. WET BLANKET. Negatalkers throw a wet blanket over the burning passions and talents that could easily produce positive, powerful results in your work world.

5. MAKE TROUBLE. Negatalkers make trouble for themselves and others, by doing more of what’s not working, and focusing on the little mistakes you and I make instead of the big miracles that positive actions could produce.

6. LINT-PICKERS. Negatalkers are smarty-pants who analyze the lint in their own deep belly buttons or pull on the loose thread in your business suit. At lunchtime, they will hand you a manure sandwich to chomp into, one that says sensitivity is for suckers, and that being truly genuine is a gargantuan bore.

7. LOSS LOVERS. Negatalkers are big Chicken Littles who foretell a future of loss…loss…and more loss, that serves to drag you down and make you frown and drown in an ocean of misery that later you will be blamed for because you’re too “naive” and upbeat on the subject.

8. BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER. Negatalkers can’t take a positive person and talker for long, because misery loves company, and negatalkers seek out judging and scandalizing others, plying cynicism and playing pessimism mind games while extracting perverse satisfaction from others’ suffering.

9. LAZY. Yes, negatalkers love to be in control and hate peaceful living that promotes progress and happiness…and they are the world’s best negative but effective communicators. However, negatalkers also avoid work and working, and procrastinate by stirring the pot and thriving on trouble.

Foggy communication highways need your clear and confident communication.

CYNICISM: PUBLIC ENEMY #1

NegaTalkers are LAZY. They also live by their own rules and are control freaks whose insecurity has gotten way out of control. Although cynicism is public enemy #1, that’s exactly what negatalkers take pride in, spreading it around at work like nobody’s business. Negatalkers get out of work, and excellent performance at work, by upsizing the negative and downsizing the positive. Go figure.

IT’S YOUR JOB TO MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY AND STOP LISTENING WITH INTEREST TO NEGATALKERS

Well, surely you’ve learned by now that ultimately it’s your job to make yourself happy and pursue your heartfelt goals that will make your workplace a more positive place to work because YOU are going around being the positive person you are. So, how to get your happy back? Close your gas cap when negatalkers are sucking your motivation dry, and drive off down the road of positive and effective two-way communication that realizes potentials instead of driving them into the nearest ditch.

ABOUT TOW TRUCK DRIVER AND CORPORATE TRAINER DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides management communication training to companies and keynotes on positive and effective communication to organizations, using the “Talk to Me” communication system. Dr. O’Grady is a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, USA. He teaches that Empathizer communicators more easily “pick up” a negative passenger who talks non-stop about all sorts of negative things that will really rarely ever come true. In contrast, their tough-minded and thicker-skinned Instigator colleagues don’t feel as guilty clicking off the negative news stations on the radio. Both communicator driver’s need to “drop off” a negative passenger who stands against making good things happen company-wide. Both communicators can say or do some pretty stupid things when clear communication becomes foggy, as the “We team” becomes the “Me Team” and we run out of gas and need to call a tow truck. E-typers and I-typers both lose their bearing when their energy runs dry, and difficult emotions run high. The “Talk to Me” communication system is designed to help you and your team get on the road again to produce better results. It also teaches you how to fill your gas tank before you feel like you’ve failed at everything except being a failure.

Communicator Driver Blind Spots

Have you ever changed lanes while driving, only to discover from the honk of someone else’s horn that another car was in your “blind spot”? The Communication Highway can be like that, too. Everyone has an Achilles heel or three when it comes to impaired communication. In fact, the “blind spots” you have while driving down the Communicator Highway can cause accidents when you change lanes too quickly or don’t use your turn signal. Missed communication and mixed communication fall into this category. And you develop relationship “blind spots” when you don’t know where you’re talking from or what talk lanes you’re driving in.

FEELING AS LOW AS A GREASE SPOT ON THE GARAGE FLOOR?

What are some of the blind spots shared by the two groups of communicators, Empathizers (E-types) and Instigators (I-types)? And are their blind spots identical? A recent New Insights Communication poll gives us some starting and startling ideas about these Achilles’ heels:

SELF-CRITICISM … 43.31%

BEING AFRAID OF GETTING NEGATIVE FEEDBACK … 26.92%

PEOPLE NOT LIKING ME … 23.08%

CRITIQUING OTHERS TOO HARSHLY … 7.69%

In the survey, there was no way of telling if the respondents were E-typers or I-typers. Let me analyze the results based on your communicator type.

THE TWO TYPES OF DRIVER RESPONSES TO “BLIND SPOTS”

You can determine your communicator type by asking yourself a single question: “Do I lean toward being more “sensitive” or more “insensitive” in all my relationships? E-types are drivers who wear their feelings on their sleeves, while I-type drivers just want to get past the latest roadblock and do something about it. Neither is better or worse, just different.

1. E-types are prone to using self-criticism excessively. When E-types blame themselves for problems, they can slow down needed life changes or have difficulty thinking of new solutions to old problems.

2. I-types are prone to criticizing others excessively. When I-types blame others for problems, they too can slow down making needed life changes or have trouble sensing new solutions to old problems.

3. E-types are afraid of receiving negative feedback. To an E-type, this means they have failed in their relationship responsibilities. E-types are very concerned about “hurting someone” intentionally or unintentionally.

4. I-types are afraid of receiving no feedback whatsoever. To an I-type, this means they have failed somehow in making progress and change happen. I-types are concerned about “missing the point” on purpose or accidentally.

5. E-types want everyone to like them, and they feel nervous when people don’t like them.

6. I-types want everyone to respect them, and they feel nervous when people ignore them or discount their feedback.

7. E-types worry about being liked. When super-stressed, Empathizers switch talk lanes from feeling bad to unexpectedly acting like a dipstick that causes a relationship collision.

8. I-types worry about being respected. When super-stressed, Instigators switch talk lanes from thinking negatively to unexpectedly talking like a dipstick that causes a relationship collision.

9. Both types gain interpersonal power, flexibility and freedom when they understand and drive more mindfully of the blind spots that each communicator must courageously face alone.

No one wants to be a poor communicator any more than anyone wants to be a poor driver who makes the same driving errors over and over again (and you KNOW that leads to expensive repairs!).

SCAN THE ROAD AHEAD AND USE ALL YOUR MIRRORS TO AVOID TALK ACCIDENTS

Safe driving means you know the “blind spots.” When you know you’re in one, you can take care making turns, and you can make sure you flip on your turn signal to warn a driver behind you that you are changing lanes. Changing lanes abruptly while driving in a blind spot is the leading cause of relationship malfunction and relationship failure to thrive.

ABOUT MANAGEMENT WORKSHOP LEADER AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

The author and developer of the “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” communication system and book, Dr. O’Grady teaches team members and family members how to productively use the TTM system to drive more safely and sanely on the two-way communicator highway. When communicators change lanes abruptly without signaling, and slide off the road or crash into another driver, talks heat up quickly and rational discussions halt as authorities and tow trucks are called. When you understand how your communicator type thinks and feels AND acts and talks you are in a far better position to drive positively and effectively on the two-way communicator highway. Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D. is from Dayton, Ohio, USA.

LINKS FOR PREVIOUS NEW INSIGHTS COMMUNICATION POLLS

Anything Is Possible? People Who Don’t Get Along … What Makes A Person So Difficult To Get Along With … Personality Clashes or Communication Crashes? … What’s The Toughest Emotion You Wrestle With? … Are You An Optimistic Driver On The Two-Way Communication Highway? … The Elephant Stampede … What Makes A Good Leader Great? … Does Your Attitude Work To Make You A Better Leader? … What’s Up With Your Confidence Level? … When You Argue, Are You Always Right? … Are You Shy or Stuck Up? … How Do You Handle Anger? … Are Men or Women Better Communicators? … How Easily Are You Frustrated?

Gold Standards Of Employee Communication

Do you use gold standards of positive and effective employee communication? Nah, I’m not here to say you should butter up your boss, co-workers or employees with dishonest sweet talkin’ jive. But I am saying you have better communication skills than a baboon, or a 15-year-old teenager, don’t you? Short story: Do you treat your customers or employees, who are one and the same, like yesterday’s newspaper used to line a litter box? If so, then you are promoting “rusty standards” of bad communication instead of “gold standards” of good communication.

GOLD STANDARDS OF GOOD COMMUNICATION

What are some ways that you can be more empathetic to your employees (spouse, children, customers, etc.) to make sure they know how needed and respected each and every one of them are?

1. Communicate better than a baboon. Not that a baboon doesn’t communicate, it’s just more aggressive and defensive than what works with words in the human world.

2. Treat ’em like they’re human. When positives are wrapped up and stowed away, negatives are saluted. That’s why “gossip galore is a bore.”

3. “Thanks for putting in the extra effort!” Can’t find anything nice to say? Baloney! Give great feedback that doesn’t grate on anyone’s nerves by giving thanks for extra efforts.

4. Feed right into the positive. You catch more bees with sugar than with vinegar. Feed people what they like to hear, if it’s genuinely true, and they’ll feel happier on the job.

5. Remember that talk is priceless. Positive talk softens the backlog of hard feelings and miscommunication.

6. Be a confidence-builder. Confidence-builders catch you in the act of doing a good deed, and say: “Look what you voluntarily do so well.”

7. Openly share “little” silent appreciations aloud. Blame-keepers only keep on the lookout for mistakes made, while “gold card talkers” focus on “This is another reason why I appreciate you and your going above and beyond the call of duty again!”

USE YOUR RELATIONSHIP INTELLIGENCE

Do you have the people skills of a baboon? The patience of a tick? Then become acquainted with a friend named the patience of positive communication. We human beings like feeling powerful vs. powerless. Don’t think you’re wasting words when you share your appreciation or compliments.

EVER SEEN A U-HAUL FULL OF GOLD BARS BEHIND A HEARSE?

I know you don’t take employees feelings lightly. Have you ever seen a U-haul full of gold bars behind a hearse? Nope, so remember your opinion matters to your fellow workers, customers and clients. Are you sharing openly what you like and dislike in equal fashion? Or are you being too quiet on the “employee accreditation front.”

ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D., LEADER COMMUNICATION AND STRATEGIC DECISION-MAKING PSYCHOLOGIST AND EXPERT

E-type or Empathizer employees feel like they’re wearing their feelings on their shirt sleeve. In reverse fashion, I-type or Instigator employees wear their brainy beliefs on their chest. E-types feel more gratification from “helping others,” while I-types feel more secure in helping the mission or global company objective be achieved. Either communicator type likes to hear a nice thing or three on occasion, especially after many miles have been put under their tires on a long success trip. Dr. O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” Autographed copies are available at his Web site or books at Amazon.

Can You Take A Little Constructive Criticism?

Really, now, can you take a little constructive criticism? In fact, how do you give or take constructive criticism without getting all bent out of shape? Sure, “constructive feedback” is supposed to improve empathy and performance, but does it in fact lead to changes that are good for all? For example, “You’re always late for our meetings!” has a bit of a hook or barb stuck in it, making it difficult for the intended target to respond productively and non-defensively. Oh, criticism can make you feel as unimportant as a ketchup spot on a table after a big party.

LASER-SHARP COMMUNICATION

Good communication is supposed to be laser-sharp and to the point without sticking it to the other person with character assassinations that usually start “You always ___” or “You never ____.” Bad communication is akin to being a “cop” who catches a “speeder” and hands out a ticket that makes further travel troubled.

Would you agree with these tips for handling the sharp knife of criticism without getting cut?

1. The criticism is supposed to be to the point without being pointed. But if the person delivering criticism has bottled up frustrations over time, the words that eventually come out can poke the flesh like a sharp, pointed spear.

2. The criticism is supposed to be fair–and fairly specific. For example, “you are late to our meetings about every other time and it holds things up.”

3. The criticism is supposed to be a new call for action, not a replay of a whiny past complaint. The point of criticizing is to imply or openly suggest an alternative behavior that would work better for the relationship.

4. The criticism is supposed to ask for change, not knock a listener in the head with a revenge club that demands change. Threatening someone isn’t the same as offering feedback with an option to “take it or leave it.”

5. The criticism is supposed to tie things together, not break things asunder. For example, “When you DO ____, how it makes me feel is ____.”

6. The criticism is supposed to be free of blame and shame. Slapping someone with a long litany of unhealthy anger (e.g., “I’m right and you’re a numbskull for a dipstick!”) creates a “wieners and losers” games people play battle.

7. The criticism is supposed to result in increased honesty and open up lines of communication. It doesn’t result in fear of loss of your job or the relationship.

So that’s the rationale for rational criticism that is emotion-free and helpful. Aren’t you glad to be on the giving or receiving end of healthy feedback? I bet. Had any feedback lately? Hardly? No wonder we’re shy to speak up in a roomful of gigantic egos.

I DON’T CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK

Why do you have to take constructive criticism? Well, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to and that’s why many perfectly good relationships don’t survive much less thrive. Using constructive criticism, by definition, means something new and positive happens around the Communicator Table, and something negative is hauled away to the dump. But you can either care too much, or too little, about what others think of you. For purposes of rationality, you can hear out a criticism without immediately agreeing or disagreeing with it. The ultimate purpose of feedback is to tell you how you’re doing in a relationship, what you’re doing well, and what needs improving without smudging an ego like a bug against the windshield of your car.

ANGER CONFORMITY

Criticism has gotten such a bad name because traditionally it’s been used to shame and blame a person into conformity or expectational group norms that may or may not be healthy. A rule that says “We can talk about anything!” is best for good communication that includes accounting for how your behavior and words impact a relationship. When there isn’t constructive criticism, people will feel like they’re walking on eggshells, or sitting on broken glass in their communicator car, ready to be hauled over and given a ticket for speeding on a one-way Communication Highway (or worse, hauled to the junk yard).

ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D., DEVELOPER OF THE “TALK TO ME” POSITIVE AND EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SYSTEM

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist, interpersonal communication workshop leader, developer of the “Talk to Me” positive and effective communication system and banquet speaker. In his 30+ years experience of clinical psychology and psychotherapy, Dennis has found that giving and receiving negative feedback is one of the most misused and misunderstood communication skills that is the most difficult to learn. In fact, Empathizer communicators (E-types) tend to take others’ criticisms too personally and offer criticisms too slowly, while Instigator communicators (I-types) tend to offer criticisms too quickly and take criticisms too impersonally. Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of three books, the most recent is “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.”