Anything Is Possible?

Do you emit a silent groan whenever you hear a positive person who smiles like a Cheshire cat quip: “Now, don’t let it get ya’ down. After all, anything is possible!” As you know, your attitude is either pessimistic, realistic or optimistic at any given time. Likewise, you know that a bad attitude doesn’t necessarily make bad things happen to you and yours. And a good attitude doesn’t automatically make good things happen in your life. You aren’t superstitious because you’re sticking with the scientific facts, right? Yeah, and that’s why I wear my “lucky tie” whenever I’m doing a big speaking gig!

TALKING UP TO YOURSELF WHEN YOU FEEL DOWN

In a recent New Insights survey, I asked my readers what made them feel good in a pinch. The question was: “What’s really important to you in your daily life, especially when the chips are down, and you’re feeling like a moron?” Let’s do it by the numbers, shall we?

1. TALKING POSITIVELY TO MYSELF IN CARING WAYS ………75.00%

2. HEARING POSITIVE FEEDBACK FROM OTHERS …………. 18.75%

3. PERSUADING OTHERS TO MY POINT OF VIEW ………. 6.25%

The power of positive communication is the courage to be nice to yourself when you feel discouraged, which is an I-type or Instigator-type communicator strength. Point short: Being nice to yourself when you don’t much feel up to it.

TALKING POSITIVELY…FOR A CHANGE

“Talk to Me” Chapter 5 is called “Positive Talks.” Therein I declare a case for speaking positively to yourself as much as possible, since you are engaged in inner-personal or “intrapersonal communication” 82% of the time. But talking to yourself is particularly tricky and slippery when you are in a “bad mood.” Usually, instead of thinking “Geez, anything is possible!”, you are more prone to thinking “Man, I feel like I’m slogging through thick mud or wet concrete up to my knees and I’m tiring fast and going down.” BUT ANYWAY (Hey, Ri!) you aren’t going down, much less staying down. You’re getting on down the two-way communicator highway, after you make a brief pit stop at a scenic rest area, using my “positive and effective” talk system.

CHANGE THE WORRY STATION

If you’re busy blaming someone, you are busy chattering away to yourself in energetic ways that drain you of positive energy. I know, I know. I can’t help myself plenty of times, too. What to do then, when you can’t get a negative thought or emotion from going around or around in your brain? Well, you observe the feeling and face it. You don’t just “tune in” to the tough times. You “change the channel.” You change the channel of the music station first by listening to what you’re hearing, what you are thinking about the lines of the song, and what you’re feeling as you’re absorbing the tune. Then, if you must, you change the channel or turn the radio station off completely. Stare out the window. Look at the blue sky. Start seeing things in color instead of in black and white.

WHEN YOU FEEL BAD YOU ARE STILL GOOD

You don’t need to be a great communicator because being a “good enough” communicator is a good deal. Presently, your goal is to start changing your communication habits so that you can care for yourself when you have no energy and no reason to. Four minutes a day is all it takes to get a good grip on communicating with yourself when you feel like whale dung floating on the lowest bottom of the dirtiest ocean.

ABOUT PROFESSIONAL SPEAKER, AUTHOR AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D. is no stranger to singing the blues without beating himself up or down, running into communication roadblocks but finding a way around them, pulling out the map or stopping and asking for directions instead of staying lost on the Communication Highway, and worrying less about “Are we there, yet?!” and more about “What are we doing and saying here?!”… but most of all O’Grady is glad to be the father of three interesting daughters who is also the inventer and developer of the “Eureka! It works!!” “Keep it simple!” communications system that even works when you use it just four minutes a day, called “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” Anything is possible. Even getting along better with yourself when you can’t stand being with YOU.

LINKS FOR PREVIOUS NEW INSIGHTS COMMUNICATION POLLS

People Who Don’t Get Along … What Makes A Person So Difficult To Get Along With … Personality Clashes or Communication Crashes? … “What’s The Toughest Emotion You Wrestle With?” … “Are You An Optimistic Driver On The Two-Way Communication Highway?” … “The Elephant Stampede” … “What Makes A Good Leader Great?” … “Does Your Attitude Work To Make You A Better Leader?” … “What’s Up With Your Confidence Level?” … “When You Argue, Are You Always Right?” … “Are You Shy or Stuck Up?”… “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?”

Difficult Times Don’t Make You A Dipstick

Difficult times don’t make you a dipstick, and they shouldn’t make you flip out and yell at the driver in the car next to you. Feelings don’t make you good or bad, right? Here are some things I say to myself, using my communicator car image, when I’m singing the blues and ready to lash out at me or you:

1. O.K. you feel like elephant crap or a dope right now, so don’t you dare go and make it any worse!

2. Your perceptions are off kid…you’re driving in an emotional fog…avoid going into a skid or driving ahead of your headlamps.

3. Go easy. Don’t go to extremes. Stick to your lane and drive the speed limit. Look both ways, and check again for oncoming traffic.

4. You don’t have to feel good to get some things done. You don’t have to get everything done. I can be nice to me even when I’m disgusted with myself.

5. What are you saying negatively to yourself? Is it accurate? If you’ve been wounded in the gut, shooting yourself in the foot won’t help any, buddy! Use your Instigator skills of putting your mind over your emotions so you don’t mind how you’re feeling so much.

6. Be the Tortoise instead of the Hare right now. Be-aware of extremism. Feeling the feelings doesn’t mean you have to change lanes and run someone off the road. Maybe someone else can be in the driver’s seat for awhile. Rest may be the only answer.

7. Don’t criticize the bad driving of others but focus on your own driving. I need to get more acquainted with patience. I know more than I feel I do at this moment. If you don’t like the noise on the radio…change the damn station! If you’re low on gas, pull over and re-fuel.

THERE’S NO ONE TO BLAME

Do you find difficult people annoying? Oh, really now! Admit it: You’re the toughest person you know to get along with. That’s why I say “There’s no one to blame! and “Fix problems, not people!” No one feels perfectly contented and happy all of the time unless they are out of their minds.

ABOUT PROFESSIONAL SPEAKER, CORPORATE TRAINER AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is no stranger to singing the blues without beating himself up or down, running into communication roadblocks but finding a way around them, pulling out the map or stopping and asking for directions instead of staying lost on the Communication Highway, and worrying less about “Are we there, yet?!” and more about “What are we doing and saying here?!”… but most of all O’Grady is glad to be the father of three interesting daughters who is also the inventer and developer of the “Eureka! It works!!” “Keep it simple!” communications system that even works when you use it just four minutes a day, called “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” Anything is possible. Even getting along better with yourself when you can’t stand being with YOU.

You Don’t Have A Communication Problem You Can’t Fix

You don’t have a communication problem. You don’t have a communication problem you can’t fix. “Talk to Me” is a communication system that “keeps it simple” by using the metaphor of driving to discuss the business of positive and effective communication. Do you have a communication problem because you think that YOU are the problem and it’s all your fault?

DOES YOUR DRIVING STYLE LIGHT EVERYONE UP OR LET EVERYONE DOWN?

Communication is 100% the issue, because when you can communicate clearly, you have a much better chance of solving the problem. “What we try and resolve isn’t going away!” is another way of saying that old reoccurring problems (or no brakes) are taking the toll in your work or home life, or both. The bottom line: Does your communication style light up others, let everyone down, and how do you know for sure?

YOU’RE DRIVING SAFELY AND SANELY ON THE TWO-WAY COMMUNICATION HIGHWAY

Let’s simplify the communication process by using the driving metaphor to turn the spotlight on good communication. This is your DOT, or Dictionary of Talk.

COMMUNICATION EDUCATION CLASSES. You probably had some driver’s education classes. But what communication classes did you have when you were in grade school, high school or college? Thought so. Most people learn communication by flying by the seat of their pants. Did you graduate from the School of Communication Hard Knocks?

COMMUNICATOR’S/DRIVER’S LICENSE. This is what you get after you take the required communication driver’s education courses, learn the rules of the road and practice safe driving habits with a good coach.

ONE-WAY STREET. “It’s my way or the highway!” thinking, or one-way talks from control freaks.

ROAD RAGE. What happens as the result of drivers who suffer from a “knee-jerk, me-jerk” reaction that drops your I.Q. to one digit called the middle finger.

TWO-WAY TRAFFIC. “It’s my way, your way, our way, O.K.?!” dialogues instead of monologues.

BLIND SPOT. This is what happens when you’re unaware of, or don’t see, accidents waiting to happen because of a blind spot in your side mirror.

STOPPING TO ASK FOR DIRECTIONS. When lost, do you solve the problem by doing the new instead of repeating old patterns/habits that don’t work?

CUSTOMER SERVICE. Best exemplified by asking your #1 customer “So, how’s it goin’?” and listening with interest to the answer.

COMMUNICATOR COLLEGE. Your #1 customer is your partner, wife or husband. What grade are you getting in communicator college in their books?

2 COMMUNICATOR CARS. There are two colors of communicator cars. Either you drive an ocean-blue Empathizers’ car or a burnt-orange Instigators’ car. First things first: Which type of talk car are you, and on which side is your steering column?

4 TALK LANES. Empathizers driving the blue cars like to drive in the two lanes of Emotions and Talks. In contrast, Instigators driving the burnt orange cars prefer to drive in the 2 lanes of Beliefs and Behaviors.

BLARING RADIO. When the two different types of communicators try to talk, often what they hear is static, noise or worrisome and grating gunk on the airwaves…interference that affects dialogue.

FOG. Fog on the highway are all those emotions that are difficult to feel and still stay relatively calm and sane. They include feelings such as sorrow, shame, blame or guilt, fear, terror, and the embarrassment of not knowing.

SPEED LIMIT. Under stress, some people drive at “extremes” and may “rush” down the highway to get somewhere so fast that they either don’t enjoy the scenery or get pulled over by a policeperson and handed a ticket.

FLAT TIRE. Driving over a nail, or an antagonist putting a nail under your tire, creates a slow leak and a “flat mood that’s falling fast.” You can pump up your tire with positive inner talk and an optimisitic attitude.

LOW ON GAS. Energy is about “re-fueling” stops and gauging how much “gas” you have left before you run out.

ENERGY THIEFS. These are negative people, or pessimists, who siphon off your gas while trying to become a positive person, but in reality, they leave you feeling lost, empty or lonely.

DETOURS. These are represented by unhealthy anger that keeps you focused on blaming and trying to change others instead of being the leader of your own life and changing what you can, namely YOU.

ROAD MAP. You have a huge road map in your glove box to help you get where you want to go, although first you must decide what journey you would like to map out for your the next phase of your life.

BE IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT OF YOUR LIFE. No one else owns your life, and you don’t owe anyone your life, because you are free to drive where you need to. To drive down the road less traveled, you must first be in the driver’s seat of your life.

JUNK IN THE TRUNK. You carry relationship resentments around with you, right? You put these grudge bags in the trunk. Clearing out the junk in the trunk allows new things to come into your life.

BATTERY CHARGE. Negatalkers dim the emotional battery of Empathizers and dim the physical battery of Instigators in straightforward and devious ways.

ROAD SIGNS. Change means you’ve been driving to work the same way every day for years down the same communication highway, familiar with all the road signs along the way but always ignoring them because you know where you were going. Suddenly, one day the road signs turn to a different language, causing you to stop and question how to proceed.

ROAD KILL. It’s what happens (and what you feel like) when you and a talk passenger get into a fight and tell each other what you think…words that were better left unsaid.

“ARE WE THERE, YET?” This is the kind of “car talk” that strains your last nerve, and makes you feel that you are losing your concentration to the anxiety-anger-nervousness relationship cycle.

ROADBLOCKS. What obstacles stand in the way of you reaching your change destination on time?

IDIOT DRIVERS. These are “bad drivers” who make mistakes to make you feel like a goat on a rope in a power play.

POWER PLAY. This is what happens when you try to get your way at the expense of a relationship.

PAYBACKS ARE HELL, NOT SWELL. You know how it feels when you cut off someone in traffic? Or slam on the brakes to scare the life out of the idiot who deserves to be taught a lesson by someone like you? That’s a hellish payback…dangerous, and not always that effective to eject the negative person from your skull.

FEEDBACK. Critical or complimentary feedback about how and why to drive better or more safely without losing face.

BLAMING AND SHAMING. Making yourself right, and the other person wrong, doesn’t right anything that’s been turned over.

TOW TRUCK DRIVER. Let’s hear it for Communications coaches who can help you get on the road again after you’ve spun off the road or been involved in an accident.

GUILT BOMBS. Best described as someone else’s problems/blaming dropped on ya’ when you are in the middle of enjoying the scenery.

ROAD TAR. A good wash and wax removes the road dirt and grit, the grease and grime of tough travelin’ times. This is because you pick up tar and dings from the roadway.

POTHOLES. Be prepared for unexpected trip-ups and all sorts of things that go bump in the night..things that make people curse aloud (or under their breath).

ATMOSPHERE/ENVIRONMENT. It’s the hot-cold regulator of you life: don’t turn on the heat when it’s already hot outside, but do keep cool when things heat up (communicationally speaking).

TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS. You are in either a Controlling, a Friendship or a Loving Relationship with yourself AND with all the passengers in the car.

KEYS TO UNLOCK DOORS. There are “little keys” to unlock all the locked doors of communication, the very doors that prohibit getting in your communicator car to begin your journey.

CRASH INSURANCE. Think of it as “relationship enhancement counseling” and inspirational messages about getting a grip on good communication…before it’s too late.

Talk positively by using an optimistic attitude about your travels on the two-way communicator highway. When you are cut off in traffic, you don’t have to revert to non-verbal gestures but smile instead as you go on your way to a better day.

ABOUT EFFECTIVE LEADERSHIP COMMUNICATION SEMINAR LEADER AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the developer of the “Talk to Me” communication system that improves strategic decisions and positive results for companies and families. He is a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and founder of New Insights Communication. “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” is available at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.

Good Places To Work Use Good Communication Strategies

What makes for a positive work environment and happy employees? Duh! One of the key factors is good communication that is honest, positive and effective. Effective communication is like driving a car. The best talks occur on a two-way communication highway that uses a map to get where you want and need to go. No need to curse or smack somebody, or whine: “Are we there, yet?” Good places to work use good communication strategies and talk tools as a way of life, not as emergency flares that are lit after avoidable talk accidents have happened.

LET’S TALK

As an organizational and family psychologist, I’ve experienced the factors that create a positive workplace, one filled with positive attitudes and people, peak performance, low turnover rates, high morale, great team decisions that pay dividends, high-octane optimism, creative energy AND (whew!) a fun place to work for employees. They’re described in my book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone” and they include:

1. COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING. A positive place to work is filled with positive people (employees and managers) who are practicing positive and effective, two-way communication. Example: Do you talk honestly face-to-face instead of talking behind others’ backs?

2. EMPATHETIC PEOPLE. Positive people actually care to walk in the shoes of everyone, and they listen powerfully with “three ears” in “kneecap-to-kneecap” meetings. Example: Will you pick up the phone to clarify an issue and actually hear the “tone” of the caller, or do you prefer a more impersonal e-mail? Good communicators choose the former.

3. ALL-WAYS OPEN LINES OF COMMUNICATION. A positive workplace functions with an open-door policy so that all issues can be discussed/clarified at any time without fear of being talked over, whacked, psychocritiqued, bullied, put down or stared at as if you’ve got three heads and one eye. Example: Are you clear about performance expectations and rewards?

4. NO ELEPHANTS IN THE ROOM. Since your workplace isn’t a zoo, and you’re not the zookeeper, there’s no room for elephants that stink and need to be walked around. Example: Do you truly face down your fears (and address the big issues) or do you just cover that hairy pachyderm with perfume to make it smell better?

5. BEING WRONG IS RIGHT. Fixing problems is more important than saving face. Example: In a dysfunctional workplace, people tend to have to worry about or work around big egos who constantly think “It’s my way or the highway!” Those kinds of closed minds fail to solve evolving business problems. Is that person you?

6. YOUR PERSONAL COMMUNICATOR STYLE IS RESPECTED. Whether you are inclined to be a sensitive Empathizer-type (E-type) communicator, or a strong Instigator-type (I-type) communicator, you finally know to whom you’re talking to by their type to get better results. Example: Do you make communication your business…or is it just a hobby? In a functional workplace, communication is serious business.

7. TALK IS PRICELESS. Money is important, but interpersonal trustworthiness and honesty rates even higher on a scale whose most important metric is “I need to feel competent, prized and my skills valued to feel happy at work.” Example: Who doesn’t hate feeling ignored, led on, lied to, one-downed or having smoke blown up your skirt or shirt?

8. FIX THE PROBLEM, NOT THE PERSON. Change management means letting go of the blame game (not focusing on who’s at fault) and doing something different to fix the problem instead of doing more of what’s not working. Example: Are you a “negatalker” gossiper and fault-finder who puts nails under the tires of your best people? I didn’t think so!

Good places to work use good communication strategies as a way of life, whether driving conditions are sunny or stormy. Take time today to talk, to listen, to honestly use your top talented people to help create positive changes for you and your company.

ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton communications psychologist, corporate trainer and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” available at www.drogrady.com. Can you afford to be lax about your communication habits? No way: As a communications psychologist, I’m pretty strict about what factors make a negative vs. positive place to work. What about you, what do you think? What trait of “the personality of the positive workplace” would you endorse as making you as happy as a mosquito on flesh? Is it an attractive office decor, truckloads of money, positive recognition for a job well done, co-workers who make you bust a funny bone or a good boss who’s not too good to be true? C’mon: Isn’t it honest communication that values everyone?!

I Didn’t Get To Sleep At All Last Night

Didn’t sleep again last night? Do you wake up in the middle of the night? Do you have difficulty dragging yourself out from underneath the covers because you just finally got to sleep? Well, who hasn’t experienced insomnia! Hope is here: I just read a good book by Tammy Barlekamp called A Time to Sleep. What’s covered? 70 relaxing ways to get 40 winks without giving yourself 40 lashes for staying awake ALL night. Heck, yes, we’re all wise to “keep it simple” when it comes to our sleep habits.

SHAPING YOUR SLEEP ATTITUDE

“WHAT IF…” worrying directly pressures your mind to stay awake to stave off harm, and keep the other shoe from dropping. Inspirational soul-liners abound in A Time to Sleep. Freely use any of these healthy mental sleep sedatives—or new sleep attitudes—the next time you feel tortured by a lack of sleep:

  • Sleeping well is a skill.
  • We need peace to sleep.
  • Treat your body with love and respect. Take it out for a walk once in awhile.
  • The idea is to fill your mind so completely with peace that anxiety has no room to roost.
  • Begin to focus immediately on your peaceful thoughts when you come into the room where you sleep.
  • When you cannot sleep, it is an indication that worry is in control.
  • Be sympathetic to yourself at this time. It will not help to try to force yourself to sleep.
  • Do you find you like yourself when you sleep well and hate yourself when you sleep poorly?
  • “I must stay alert so nothing bad happens!” and “Not sleeping is a sign of how much I care!” are sleep-deprivers.
  • Losing too much sleep can make a person feel dead.
  • Do you believe that if you just spend enough sleepless nights analyzing problems in your head, solutions will miraculously appear?
  • You are improving your sleep attitude every night.
  • Try substituting a devotion for a potion.
  • Stop wishing it away (sleeplessness) for one night.
  • Are you carrying an old attitude into a new environment?
  • Some people feel guilty for taking a nap…I’m talking about maxi-shame for a mini-siesta.
  • It’s not your fault you cannot sleep.
  • Praise is tying the balloon after you blow it up. It completes the process. Otherwise your work can come undone.
  • Also, ask yourself if you are starting to get caught up in the thought that the faster you go, the more you get done. This is not always true.
  • A tough time is a time that is tough for you.
  • You really can’t work any faster than one night at a time, so relax and enjoy this night at this time!

ONE NIGHT AT A TIME

What’s to feel good about when you’re spending another sleepless night watching the clock while tossing and turning and having racing thoughts? According to Barlekamp, “You may be surprised that your personal point of view is keeping you awake!” Then again, you may subconsciously understand that “I couldn’t get to sleep at all last night!” could be a bit of extreme thinking on your part, one that you can overcome with a positive sleep attitude that respects loving your life while boosting your mood, too.

Sweet dreams!”

ABOUT AUTHOR, NURSE AND INSOMNIA EXPERT TAMMY BARLEKAMP

Tammy Barlekamp lives with her husband and three children in northwest Ohio. She has a Bachelor of Science Degree in Nursing from the University of Toledo. Her interest in helping others with sleep evolved from an affiliation with The Midwest Center for Stress in Oak Harbor, Ohio, where she has been involved in coaching, phone support and correspondence for the past eight years. She enjoys running, writing, music, and her Cairn Terrier, Gracie. You can order Tammy Barlekamp’s new book “A Time to Sleep” now at Xlibris.com.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a keynote speaker and corporate trainer specializing in positive and effective communication and leadership skills. Dennis sleeps like a log most nights since he began using positive sleep attitudes. He is the wide-awake author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone,” and President-Elect of the Dayton Area Psychological Association.