Warped Communication: What Goes Bump In The Night

What goes bump in the night? Here’s what: bad communications habits that are as easy as sleepwalking into a wall? Really, bad communication is SO easy to do and it’s SO-O easily repeated that, too much of the time, we all do it unmindfully, as if we really are sleepwalking. Elsewhere, I’ve put forth “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Communicators.” Now it’s time for a look at poor, warped communication, the equivalent of driving 70 mph in the dark, without headlights.

INEFFECTIVE COMMUNICATORS EXPERTLY PASS ALONG NEGATIVE FEELINGS

Here’s how to be an ineffective communicator who passes bad feelings along, one who doesn’t solve problems but multiplies the psychodrama of it all. To be a bad communicator:

1. Be a worry wart. Pass along your worries to others.

2. Be a control freak. Try to perfectly control everyone and everything.

3. Be a know-it-all. Lecture others on the right way to live.

4. Be a close-minded listener. Listen only to who tells you what you feel comfortable hearing.

5. Be a lame blamer. Blame everyone (including yourself) for what you can change, but won’t.

6. Be a people fixer. Be the shining knight in armor who is resented and becomes a resenter, while your life energy is drained away by people who don’t want to change.

7. Be stuck being the same. Be the same person you’ve always been since 16 and be proud of the safety and security of a negative attitude.

IF YOU DON’T LIKE WHAT’S HAPPENING…DO, DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT

You are response-able and account-able for your life. You alone are in the driver’s seat of your life. Don’t leave the driving to someone else…especially a nay-sayer who objects to anyone feeling happy, contented and full of peace. If you don’t like your life, you can change what’s not working by consciously using the “what keeps me feeling up instead of down” positive habits of your communicator type. Pair those feelings with the purposeful adoption of the “can’t get me down for long” strengths of your opposing communicator type.

Believe YOU, it’s true!

ABOUT KEYNOTE SPEAKER, COPORATE TRAINER, CEO PERSONAL COACH, BUSINESS CONSULTANT, SEMINAR LEADER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady knows you will love what happens when you use the habits of highly effective communicators to have highly positive and productive relationships. His research has involved the two communicator types that talk to you from four talk lanes. First things first: Know who you’re talking to by type, and with a little practice, you will be talking more effectively to everyone you come into contact with. O’Grady’s book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” is available at his Web site and at Amazon. You no longer can afford the heavy price tag of being a poor communicator!

Corralling The Bad Boss

IT’S NOT WHAT PEOPLE CALL YOU BUT WHAT YOU ANSWER TO

What to do with a bad boss who is an ogre? The American Heritage dictionary defines communication as: “To have an interchange, as of thoughts and ideas. The exchange of messages by speech, signals, or writing. A system or network of routes for sending and receiving messages, as by mail, telephone, or television.”

ETHICAL VS. EFFECTIVE LEADERS

A good boss is an ethical and effective communicator. A bad boss is an unethical and effective communicator. Catch the difference? A bad boss is very inclined to be communicative, to readily and forcefully deliver messages to your logic and heart-mind to convince you to do what he or she wants you to.

IS YOUR ENERGY BEING DRAINED BY A BAD BOSS?

So what can you tell yourself or do when your energy is being drained by a bad boss? That “bossy bad boss” can be an in-law, mother or father, teenager or child, ex-spouse, a supervisor at work or your own “inner jerk.” Repeating the inaccurate, fear-driven and negative statements going ’round and ’round in your own skull will defeat you. If your inner chatter agitates you, then say out loud: Change the subject!

TALK BACK NOW TO A BOSSY BULLY?

You may not have much control over stress events at work that nip at the heels of your self-esteem, but you CAN pump up an attitude that has been flattened by stress. You’ve got to talk some sense to yourself, because you may never have the chance to talk to the bad boss, for fear of losing your job. Here’s how to use a few punchy attitudes from the “Talk to Me” communication system:

  • Being rigid about who’s right and who’s wrong IS wrong.
  • I don’t let myself be led around like a goat on a rope.
  • I don’t take whatever you say to me as gospel spoken from on high.
  • I don’t throw bad talk back in someone’s lap.
  • I treat myself to the kindnesses I expect others to treat me to.
  • I am relationship-centered instead of control-centered.
  • The blame and shame game is lame, so I steer clear.
  • I don’t pick up negative emotions that don’t belong to me.
  • I’ll “flip in,” not “flip out,” when I experience intense emotions.
  • I keep it simple by using positive communication skills.
  • I work on myself before trying to change others.
  • I accept 50% co-responsibility for every problem facing me.
  • I plug into a positive attitude to unplug from stress.
  • If you don’t own a problem…you can’t solve a problem.
  • Am I the leader of my own life here, or not?
  • You can hang yourself but I don’t have to hang with you!
  • I understand that producing results is the all of everything.
  • I reserve the right to drive myself crazy, thanks very much.
  • Getting even puts me behind.
  • So, how’s that my problem?
  • It’s not what people call you but what you answer to!
  • I’ll change my “to-do” list to a DO(NE) one.
  • Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can put into today!
  • That’s a road I don’t want to go down with you!
  • I won’t eat the manure sandwich you just handed me!
  • I’m not a control freak but a peace freak.
  • Middle-of-the-road always works better than going to extremes.
  • I won’t suffer from my own knee-jerk, me-jerk reactions.
  • I can say what I mean, and mean what I say, without being mean!
  • The harder I try to control others, the behinder I get.
  • If my word isn’t any good, I feel good for nothing.
  • I tell the truth without casting stones of blame.
  • Often, doing what feels good IS the problem, and choosing to do what makes us feel bad is the solution.
  • Get your nit pickin’ hands off my psychic skin, you dag-blasted guilt tripper!
  • Perhaps the best decision for me is to stay away from nutty people.

You don’t produce a bunch of whiny-baby excuses, now do you?!

BEING COMMUNICATIVE…A GREAT TRAIT OF THE BAD BOSS

As I mentioned earlier, a bad boss is very inclined to be communicative, to readily and forcefully deliver messages to your heart-mind to convince you to do what he or she wants you to. The bad boss feels he or she owns you, and you owe him or her your unwavering allegiance. By “staying on message,” the bad boss controls you by fueling fear, casting stones of blame, and side-stepping the results of their hyped-up programs and plans.

YOU CAN HANG YOURSELF…BUT I DON’T HAVE TO HANG WITH YOU

You may have a “lemon” for a boss, and with any luck, you won’t have one for too long. In any case, most of us have “difficult people” in our life who are teaching us tough life choices and touchy life lessons. Bottom line: You get to choose the road on which you drive your communicator car. Choose your road carefully because some communication trips are more enjoyable than others. So today, make your life your full-time job.

ABOUT DAYTON, OHIO, COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Empathizers are prone to being follower-types, while Instigators are prone to being leader-types. Both communicator types are needed in the same room to get creative solutions brought to life. Dr. Dennis O’Grady recommends that you choose your road traveled carefully because some communication trips are more enjoyable to go on than others. O’Grady shows you how the two types of communicators, Empathizers and Instigators, have completely different views of what makes the world go ’round or stop spinning altogether. As famous Gestalt psychotherapist Fritz Perls said in his 1969 book called “In and Out the Gargage Pail” that “topdog bossy people” use chickens*it or cliches, bulls*it or excuses, and elephants*it or pontificating to keep people spinning their wheels and stuck in a work rut. Dr. O’Grady is a professional keynote speaker and seminar leader, and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” available at this site and Amazon now.

Women Annoying Women

ANNOYING PEOPLE

Recently, Good Housekeeping writer Denise Foley interviewed me about how to talk back to annoying people in assertive ways. The tricky part: Talking back to an annoying person can cause conflict and can engender hard, stuffed-in feelings that result in cutting off the relationship. “I don’t have to take it, I want to give it back!” as a way of venting doesn’t work either. Getting the last laugh isn’t very funny, although that’s what all hurting people would like to do.

I’D LIKE TO GIVE HIM OR HER A PIECE OF MY MIND

Ah, how we all fantasize aggressively about “If I could have just given them a good piece of my mind, why I’d…!” Well, when your mind is fixated on fixing an annoying person, you’re draining your OWN energy? Trying harder to change someone than he or she is willing to change him- or herself, is akin to running over a bed of nails in your communicator car. As you tire loses air, your life energy goes out of you and your mood and dreams for peace of mind flatten like, well, flat tires.

WOMEN ANNOYING WOMEN

These examples are experienced by women talking to other women in “I win when you lose!” competitive ways. The O’Grady Change Maxims which follow are what I use as a psychologist to kindly remind myself to be response-able instead of over-reactive.

1. THE ONE-UPPER. If you got a $5,000 raise, she got a $10,000 raise. Her theme song is “Everything you can do, I can do better.”

Go Talk To Yourself: Trying to get even or be one-up, puts you behind.

2. THE BUBBLE-BURSTER. She’s always pointing out problems with any plan: “Really, you want to visit Paris? Do you have enough vacation days? How are you going to afford that?”

Go Talk To Yourself: No one can drive you up a wall without your consent.

3. THE SHRINK. You’ve barely met the woman and she’s already giving you personal advice based on what she learned in Psych 101 ten years ago.

Go Talk To Yourself: Psychocritiquing is practicing psychology without a license.

4. THE KNOW-IT-ALL. Whatever you say, she’ll correct you six times before you’re through, even on topics you know about and she doesn’t.

Go Talk To Yourself: A know-it-all knows next to little or nothing. I’m a know-it-little to keep open the lines of communication.

5. THE SNOB. With her, it’s a tone thing. For example, your rich friend says, “How nice you got such a deal at Costco. Personally, I can’t take the crowds, but that’s just me.”

Go Talk To Yourself: Anyone who hands you a manure sandwich and tells you it’s bologna, that person is full of baloney.

6. THE EEYORE. She’s always under a dark cloud and unless you steer clear, her rain will soak you, too. Negative attention is what she lives for.

Go Talk To Yourself: I don’t have to dance to the tune of anyone’s victim fiddle.

TALK GAMES ARE ANNOYING AND MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A GOAT ON A ROPE

You can keep your cool when the heat is on. Actually, what an annoying person thinks of you and your life choices are none of your business. A jerk just wants to jerk you around, sap your energy and make you frown. Basically, a jerk is into controlling your mind and emotions by handing you what they are too afraid to look at. My Change Maxims are pithy reminders that your energy is in your control, some of the time, like right now.

THE INNER JERK: KEEPING YOUR COOL WHEN THE HEAT IS ON

Who are you allowing to practice psychology on your mind without a license? Once I’m upset, I try to take a step back, and talk to myself in caring ways that give me some breathing room from my bad habit of “knee-jerk, me-jerk” reacting. Why feel furious and hurt over and over again? Why let yourself be led around like a goat on a rope by jerks? People talk like jerks. The “Inner Jerk” is a shame-and-blame twisted twit who breaks off good communication before it has a chance to get rolling. So get a good laugh or chuckle as you loosen the noose around your neck by poor communicators.

READ ALL ABOUT PROFESSIONAL KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND RELATIONSHIP COUNSELOR DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the father of three daughters, husband and communications psychologist who is licensed to practice psychology AND licensed to drive on the two-way communicator highway. If you would like driving instructions on how to keep your mood up around annoying and difficult people who want to feed off your energy like a vampire bat…then read “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” Who annoys Dr. O’Grady the most of all people alive on the planet? Why Dennis annoys himself most of all, of course, and sometimes allows you to.

The Love Test

How compatible are you with your romantic partner? As a communications psychologist, I recommend being an honest, open, empathetic and genuine communicator. Case in point: Do you think of love differently than your partner? Answer these 12 questions with your Valentine’s Day sweetheart to discover what type of love each of you prefer. For each question, the correct answer is true or false.

IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS ROMANCE QUIZ

1. Intimacy means being appreciated as a separate person with unique interests.

2. The most successful couples set comprehensive yearly goals.

3. Dependency is unhealthy.

4. Accumulated resentment is the major threat to the survival of every loving relationship.

5. Passion results from building new changes and growth into tired relationships.

6. The best way to receive affection is to ask your partner to meet your needs.

7. Sexual intercourse is less important than talking and physical nurturing in strengthening bonds of love.

8. Most people are happy in their current relationships.

9. Anger can be a constructive emotion in love.

10. Pleasing your partner should be a priority.

11. Men think differently about communication and sexual issues than women do.

12. Power plays are a normal way to resolve differences.

ANSWERS & DISCUSSION

Make time to discuss these answers and talk about the additional questions and responses with your partner. Remember, love means being able to create a relationship through the vehicle of talking that is satisfying to you both.

1. True. Intimacy occurs when two strong identities interact cooperatively in one relationship. How do you encourage each other’s individuality?

2. True. The most common mistake couples make is to forget that relationships grow and change successfully when they’re aimed at a common goal. What goals would you like to accomplish this year as a couple? Goal-setting should occur in these areas: spiritual, financial, sexual, careers, and child rearing. You could set goals of obtaining a new home, improving your sex lives, starting an exercise program, or finding a church, for some examples.

3. False. There is such a thing as a healthy co-independency. It means trusting your partner to meet your needs and is one hallmark of confident relationships. Do you allow each other the freedom to make different choices to better meet interdependency needs?

4. True. Accumulated resentment is the emotion most responsible for destroying love and intimacy. Have you taken time this week to productively air gripes and let them go?

5. True. The most negative message for couples who want to foster a passionate relationship is, “Don’t talk about it.” Are any of your dissatisfactions or conflicts due to resisting positive changes?

6. False. Ironically, asking directly for needs to be met can come across to a partner as a coercive power play. A better way to get your needs met is to focus first on meeting the other partner’s needs. When both partners do this, there is cooperation, and each is satisfied. Do you know what your needs are, and are you able to have them satisfied without speeches, whining, or withdrawing?

7. True. Physical nurturing, plain talk, non-sexual touching and hugging or holding are some of the best avenues to express unconditional love. “Instead of take it out on your partner; talk about it!” is a good rule to live and love by.

8. False. Research indicates that more than half of us are dissatisfied about the quality of our current relationship and don’t know what to do about it. What can each of you do to make your relationship more satisfying?

9. True. Healthy anger can motivate needed changes. Unhealthy anger – characterized by such behavior as name-calling, stonewalling, and withdrawing – is unproductive and hurtful. When you tell your partner you are angry about a lack of time in your relationship and ask what can be done, you are engaging in healthy, focused anger aimed at solving a problem. Do you use anger constructively to promote changes?

10. True. Pleasing yourself and your partner about equally is an act of “healthy selfishness,” because he or she will want to please you back. Do you freely take as much as you give?

11. True. Men tend to think sex will solve problems, and women tend to think communication will. But there is a need for both in a healthy relationship, and each partner should be free to initiate both sex and communication. Men who initiate communication and women who initiate sex are more balanced in their roles. Do you talk concretely about ways to add individual pleasure to your relationship without laying on guilt trips?

12. False. Repetitive arguments that don’t result in concrete changes are bad habits that will break the back of your loving relationship. Are you free to do something different, when what you’re doing isn’t working?

LOVE TALK

How they say I love you in: France: Je t’aime. Germany: Ich liebe dich. Greece: Se agapo. Italy: Ti amo. Japan: Watshi wa anata gasuki desu. Spain: Yo te amo.

EMPATHIZER VS. INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATORS

In short, by using my “Talk to Me” system you will learn that Empathizer communicators value talking about emotions to build bridges over chasms that separate lovers, while Instigator communicators value doing something to take their mind off from the painful reality that the relationship bridge has been blown to pieces. Not knowing who you are talking to by type is the cause of many avoidable talk collisions.

LOSING OUT ON LOVE DOESN’T MAKE YOU A LOSER

You deserve to be who you are – happy and respected as a partner. Don’t settle for less. Remember, both you and your partner are responsible for keeping romance, communication, and passion alive in your loving relationship, not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day.

ABOUT RELATIONSHIP EXPERT, CORPORATE TRAINER AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Your number one customer is your talk partner, whether driving on the love or work communication highway. In fact, did you know that human resource surveys in successful companies list “better communication with managers and employees” as a key to teamwork? Well, you can go from a good to great communicator while driving on the two-way communication highway. Moreover, that’s why Dr. Dennis O’Grady became a communications psychologist, leadership communication keynote speaker and corporate trainer. Dr. Dennis O’Grady’s “Talk to Me” communication system provides the framework needed to help couples, families, managers and employees communicate more openly, effectively and productively. As a result, strategic decisions that result from “wisdom talking” are produced that benefit all members in the family or company. Just you try this new talk approach and see!

Cupid, Draw Back Your Bow And Let Your Arrow Go…

Are you being a cupid…or stupid? New couples in the sizzling romantic phase of love don’t have to put much work into their loving adventure. But long-term lovers can get lazy. They can forget the big AND little things that keep relationships hot, and they can let good communication habits fall by the wayside.

Are you passing love by, or are you making your love last a lifetime? Are you being a Cupid or Stupid (especially when love has to survive difficult times)?

CUPID, DRAW BACK YOUR BOW AND…WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT?

When I was a teen, singer Sam Cooke crooned these favorite and unforgettable lines in Cupid…

“Cupid, draw back your bow-oh …

And let your arrow go-oh …

Straight to my lover’s heart, for-or ME-eee.”

But how are YOU supposed to get to your lover’s heart? How can you keep your love alive? What to do when your love hits the wall or skids sideways on black ice in the wintertime of your love? How can you drive sanely and serenely on the two-way communication highway when there are roadblocks to good communication, detours, and accidents just waiting to happen?

ARE YOU IN A CONTROLLING, FRIENDSHIP OR A LOVING RELATIONSHIP? HOW CAN YOU TELL?

Do you wear your heart on your sleeve? Then chances are you are an E-typer or Empathizer communicator. Do you mind and get really testy when things get emotionally messy? Then you’re probably an I-typer or Instigator communicator? Don’t know what I’m talking about? Don’t know your communicator type, or the communicator type of your partner or kid? Then you aren’t licensed to drive on the two-way communication highway; and accidents do happen.

There are three types of relationships, married or otherwise. In ascending order of maturity, they are: Controlling, Friendship, and Loving.

People move forward and progress from a Controlling Relationship…to a Friendship Relationship…to a Loving Relationship. I like to think of it as a “Love Ladder.” Just because you think you’re in love, doesn’t mean you are really in true LOVE. It depends on the type of relationship you’re in.

And according to my clinical experience, you can’t take a partner at one level and grow with him or her to the next level. It’s just not possible. The three relationship types are like the steps of a ladder. Which type of relationship are you in now?

In all my years of communications psychology practice, I have not seen anything like today’s push for love and loving relationships. More people than ever before expect to live and feel loved in a mutually advantageous, loving relationship. And the fields of psychology and communication have the technology available to make the dream of love come true if we pick a partner wisely and use smart communication moves.

Pages 112-113 in “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone”

WHY “TALK TO ME” MAKES A PRACTICAL GIFT FOR YOU, YOUR LIFE OF LOVE AND LOVER ON VALENTINE’S DAY

Love, like good communication, is a gift, and if you haven’t figured out what to give your Valentine this year, why not give the gift of communication? The love-based communication system that I am championing can be found in my newest book, “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” Now, hold on to your heart-mind because I DO want to sell you something. I want to sell you on caring for yourself. I want you to have a loving relationship toward yourself. I want you to think about giving others what you both need to get along well in this world. I want you to think about doing what you can to help your loving partner, even when a lover might not feel like giving you the time of day. To love others, you must first love yourself when times are tense and fear is chasing after you like a werewolf smelling a warm and juicy meal.

COME TALK TO ME

The “Talk to Me” communication system works. So I would like you to come by New Insights Communication between 9 a.m.-3 p.m. Wednesday, February 14th, to purchase your own copy of my book. Then, I sincerely hope you’ll read it and learn the system to achieve the “light went on” effect that I’ve written about.

I’ll personalize your book, too. Plus, you’ve got nothing whatsoever to worry about or lose. If you aren’t entirely happy with the results of the “Talk to Me” communication system…I’ll return your investment in getting along better with yourself (and others)–smile on my face when I see you. At the very least, I’ll be happy that you tried my “keep the lines of communication open.”

What a recent communications client said: “I can’t believe in just a few visits to you our “COMMUNICATION” is WONDERFUL. All the tools you gave us to work with we are still using. I feel happier, and our 30-year marriage, feels like we’re IN-LOVE again.”

And I’m bettin’ you’re ready to roll on down the road to get your happy back, too. Four minutes a day practice is all it will take for you to produce results that will quiet any doubts you have of being able to go from a good to a GREAT communicator.

WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

A communications training client of mine recently said: “Life is way too fragile, and way too short, to not be with the person or the people you love.”

I say it this way: Love is all that lasts BUT you may find love only to lose it IF you don’t use good communication habits.

ARE YOU STUPID ABOUT CUPID?

“Fix the problem, not the person!” is a rule of mine to encourage worrying less, pumping up your mood, making change happen fast and last, enjoying your life as you travel down the two-way communicator highway instead of groaning: “But are we there yet?”

NO, you’re not there. You are here to experience “peace of mind” instead of “give someone a piece of your mind.” In exchange for a few dollars, you gain a caring attitude toward yourself when the chips are down, and some cool new communicator moves that have been known to work wonders.

Thanks for taking a ride with me on the two-way communicator highway.

ABOUT PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist, corporate trainer and relationship counselor from Dayton, Ohio, USA. He provides keynotes and corporate training programs on the topics of positive and effective communication. “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” is Dr. O’Grady’s third book on the subject of strategic decision-making, change management and leadership communication.