I Lost Myself In The Relationship

A hallmark of a co-dependency is “I lost myself in the relationship and I’m having trouble finding myself again!” In contrast, a hallmark of a co-independent relationship is “I find out more about who I am by communicating effectively in the relationship.” Moreover, out of the ashes of grief, springs new growth. That’s why some relationship break-ups or divorces are not only good for you (and the kids)…but really are great new adventures in being a “you” that has too long been suppressed or repressed.

GAIN OF LIFE: AM I A BAD PERSON OR A CURIOUS PERSON GLAD TO BE ALIVE?

The shame-and-blame game religiously intones that for the life of you, you had better back down from being you and instead try to please others in order to keep what you’ve got. Threats of loss abound in co-dependencies. Are you a bad person? Well, no, because truly “bad” people don’t ask this question in the first place. Bad people act all nice, and then in a sick, twisted and evil way, help you right out of the person you need to be, changing you into a shivering and quivering morphed-out version of some fake robot who smiles on cue to please ’em while you’re dying inside.

TRYING ON DIFFERENT PARTS OF YOUR PERSONALITY FOR SIZE

These are steps in my “gain and growth” model of human change that focus on what you gain, instead of what you lose, as a result of embracing meaningful personal change.

THE GAIN OF LIFE MODEL OF HUMAN CHANGE

STEP 1: WAKING UP. You wake up to the fact that you are living a life that is a white lie, one that doesn’t express your true self or fit your higher calling.

STEP 2: THE LIGHT COMES ON. The light comes on in your personal world, and you wake up as if from a deep dream and look around at unfamiliar surroundings.

STEP 3: YOU EMBRACE THE UNKNOWN. When you grow, you let go of the comforting known or familiar, and eerily what you once thought solid and certain now seems fluid and uncertain.

STEP 4: YOU GAIN AN AWARENESS OF BEING A CONTROL FREAK. You acknowledge how much you’ve tried hard to control others and allowed others to control your view of yourself, your decisions, and what makes you a “good or bad” person. You learn the harder you try to control, the behinder and more resentful you get.

STEP 5: YOU UNDERSTAND THE ANXIETY-ANGER-ANXIETY CYCLE. There are intense emotions of anxiety, of fear and dread, of fear of loss of life or economic vitality or social standing. “But what will people think of me now?!” haunts your work and family habitats.

STEP 6: TAKING A HIKE ON NEW GROUND. You try on new behaviors for size and analyze the social feedback that is co-created. For example, a shy person becomes more assertive, outgoing and opinionated.

STEP 7: WONDER AND CURIOUSITY. Your viewpoint opens up to include the awareness that you are always producing results, for better or worse. Thus, change becomes a friend instead of a foe. Also, you are able to hold two differing viewpoints at the same time even when smoke pours out of your ears. You are curious about why you and others do and don’t do what we all do.

Using positive and effective communication skills makes deeply courageous personal changes happen fast and last for you and yours.

PUTTING AN END TO BEING CONTROLLED OR NEEDING TO BE IN CONTROL

Control of your mind (attitude) and emotions (feelings) is the name of the life game. When you feel self-doubt, you will permit controllers to control you. Without your consent to be controlled, controllers will descend into deeper reaches of their own emotions that would benefit them enormously. As you test new grounds, you will try on new behaviors, sometimes going a little too far so you then will decide which behaviors fit your temperament the best for the time of your life.

FINE-TUNEMENTS

Typical comments from my communications clients: “Although nothing’s perfect, I’m enjoying my life for a change right now! I used to be comfortable, but now I’m uncomfortably cheerful!” The “Talk to Me” communication system includes “the light bulb came on!” effect. My best description of this energetic force of change is the “gain of life” model above. You will “wake up” feeling “a revelation” and “light” to make your way by declaring your own decisions about your life. You will go a little too far now and then, but not too often. You will put an end to being manipulated and controlled by “annoying people” at work or insane family pressures to be perfect.

ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY WHO IS A KEYNOTE SPEAKER, AUTHOR OF THREE BOOKS, COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT AND PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST FROM DAYTON, OHIO, USA.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” which is a positive and effective communication system that will work wonders in your work and personal life. One of O’Grady’s favorite grief management speaking lines is: “Out of the ashes of grief springs new growth.” Dennis lives and works in Dayton, Ohio, with his wife and three daughters. He is President-Elect of the Dayton Psychological Association, and a Clinical Professor at the Wright State University School of Professional Psychology. O’Grady believes that individuation takes place in healthy relationships, when people are free to talk about their opinions and feelings without censor or shame.

The 8-Foot Long Boa Constrictor Of E-Mail

When an 8-foot red-tail boa constrictor was found frozen along the banks of the Great Miami River one day during a cold Dayton, Ohio winter (allegedly an escapee from a local tattoo parlor), it reminded me of how e-mail has grown larger and longer. In fact, some days when I open up my “in-box” email folder, I cringe. Oh, how the flood of spam can water down clear communication that is precise, accurate and positive. But you can do something about it.

E-MAIL’S EFFECTIVENESS HURT BY SPAM, LACK OF MESSAGE CLARITY

Jim Debrosse, Staff Writer for the Dayton Daily newspaper, wrote a fascinating look at the dynamics of e-mail and how “one communication expert recommends ‘kneecap-to-kneecap’ meetings.” I knew you might like to read Jim Debrosse’s complete article that appeared in Tuesday, January 30, 2007 Dayton Daily News here.

With spam soaring to more than four out of every five messages sent to computer inboxes, organizations that depend on e-mail increasingly risk miscommunication and missed communication, a variety of experts say.

Technicians charged with filtering spam “walk a very balanced line,” say Paul Hernandez, director of computing and telecommunications at Wright State University. “The more aggressive you are about blocking spam, the more you run the risk of blocking legitimate e-mail.”

Robert Chelle, a professor of entrepreneurship at the University of Dayton, said he checks his blocked junk mail at least once a day–up to 150 messages–to make sure he hasn’t missed correspondence from students, faculty or consulting businesses.

“If someone sends me a big file, it may look like spam” to the university’s filters, he said.

At least one expert in organizational leadership–Roger Carlsen of Wright State University–says businesses, universities and government can no longer depend on e-mail to conduct their official business.

“I think it’s less reliable and less effective than probably the U.S. mail,” he said.

Carlsen said he finds “false negatives” among the blocked messages in his spam file every day, and warned that not everyone has the time of willingness to peruse their spam.

Angelia Erbaugh, executive director of the Dayton Tooling and Manufacturing Association, is one of those who does check and pays a price for her vigilance. “We’re just a tiny operation, but because of our general e-mail address, we get flooded with spam” — about 1,000 messages a day.

“Not only is it quite annoying, some of it is downright disgusting,” she said.

To further complicate communication, Carlsen said, the sender of an e-mail has no assurance it reached the recipient unless the recipient responds. And with so much spam clogging mailboxes today, more messages are being bounced back as “undeliverable.”

That’s one reason that Basil Zabek, business development manager of the Dayton Development Coalition, believes it’s the responsibility of the sender, not the receiver, to make sure the message has been received. “If you really wanted me to have it, you would send me another e-mail and make a phone call, if it’s that important.”

Dennis O’Grady, a Dayton-area communications psychologist, and author of the book Talk to Me, recently conducted a seminar on effective communication for 42 area entrepreneurs and business leaders, where he found a common complaint was “there’s too much virtual communication, not enough daily contact.”

“With e-mails, communication is sometimes more confusing than clarifying,” O’Grady said. He used the example of someone responding to a colleague’s e-mailed proposal with an e-mail that said, “That’s just great!”

“It could be a compliment. It could be sarcastic. Or it could mean ‘you and I both know it’s a loser and we have to come up with a solution,'” he said.

There’s no substitute for what O’Grady calls “kneecap-to-kneecap communication, where you’re sitting down together and really talking things through.”

Why? “Because 82 percent of communication is nonverbal,” he said. That includes tone, facial expressions, gestures and even the surrounding physical environment–none of which can be put into an e-mail.

E-mails can create distance and even animosity among employees, O’Grady said. In his seminars on effective communication, O’Grady asks his clients how often they will pick up the phone and call a colleague if they don’t fully understand an e-mail.

“I found it depended on how well they knew the person sending the e-mail,” he said.

So where direct contact was needed most to communicate with a colleague, the recipient of the e-mail was least likely to reach out to the sender, he said.

The speed of e-mail is both its advantage and its Achilles’ heel, O’Grady said. The temptation is to put thoughts quickly into words and then hit the send button without “tending to the relationship” with the other employee, he said.

Effective communication is not just putting words together, but taking into account that we are “emotional creatures,” he said. “That’s why I like people talking eyeball to eyeball, kneecap to kneecap, and that takes time.”

ABOUT DAYTON DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITER JIM DEBROSSE AND DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Jim Debrosse is a Staff Writer for the Dayton Daily News. This reporter can be contacted at (937) 225-2437 or jdebrosse@DaytonDailyNews.com. Communications psychologist Dr. Dennis O’Grady, is available for media interviews at (937) 428-0724 or www.drogrady.com

The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Communicators

Communication isn’t magic or luck. It’s part of a skill package comprising lessons from the school of hard knocks and hard work. “Words that work wonders” describes a masterful communicator, while “Words that work to bring your mood for good works crashing down” could describe the manure sandwiches a crappy communicator feeds you. For better or worse, it all boils down to communication.

7 COMMUNICATION HABITS THAT BRING YOU UP…AND MAKE YOU A POSITIVE PERSON OR AN “UP” TO BE AROUND

When doing positive and effective communication workshops using the “Talk to Me” tools, I challenge myself to “keep it simple” and boil communication down into its basic foundations. Here are the seven habits of the highly evolved communicator:

HABIT #1: WORRY LESS. You understand that feelings communicate, so your job is to work with your feelings in healing not hurtful ways.

A Communication Mistake: You worry too much and your worry disrupts clear communication in your “keep your talk tight” relationships.

HABIT #2: PEACE FREAK. You understand that the harder you try to control the behinder you get, so you stop pushing yourself or others off a cliff.

A Communication Mistake: You turn into a control freak, one who freaks out when you aren’t in control of everything.

HABIT #3: KNOW-IT-LITTLE. You understand that traveling in unknown regions of change is a communication trip you won’t soon forget, a trip that begins confidently with the words “I don’t know but I’d like to find out and learn a thing or three!”

A Communication Mistake: You are a know-it-all who is blissfully blind to your own dangerous ignorance.

HABIT #4: OPEN-MINDED LISTENING. You understand that listening to the viewpoints of others enriches you and the relationship, so you listen with” three ears” to the message and the messenger.

A Communication Mistake: You “listen with half an ear” or with a closed mind to the speaker, ready only to launch your next “talk over” them argument.

HABIT #5: NO ONE IS TO BLAME. You understand that blaming yourself, or blaming anyone, chains your legs while expecting you to swim across an Olympic-size pool. Problem-solving “win-win” solutions occurs when the problem is at fault instead of the person.

A Communication Mistake: You claim that you don’t have any resentment luggage or junk in your trunk, although you do have a few big carry-on bags that interfere with interpersonal closeness.

HABIT #6: FIX PROBLEMS, NOT PEOPLE. You understand that if people don’t want to change, you can’t and shouldn’t be trying so hard to fix them.

A Communication Mistake: Victim talkers expect compensation for hurts that happen in life on a fairly routine basis. Victors instead say, “I may be broken-hearted but I am not broken.”

HABIT #7: GETTING BETTER ALL THE TIME. You understand that to “keep communication simple,” you must first pay attention to your positive vs. negative attitude of what you feel, think, do and say.

A Communication Mistake: Failing to learn something new about good communication moves on a daily basis.

FOGGY COMMUNICATION

Many spoken sentences are like fog that makes driving on the two-way communicator highway very dicey. “Head spinning” is the feeling you get in your heart-mind of confusion. Head spinning makes you want to pull off the talk highway and stop heading toward your next change destination. Instead, slow down a little to account for the fog and turn on your fog lights to keep driving in the direction of your dreams.

ABOUT KEYNOTE SPEAKER, BUSINESS CONSULTANT, RELATIONSHIP COACH, SEMINAR LEADER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady knows you will love what happens when you use the habits of highly effective communicators to have highly positive and productive relationships. His research has involved the two communicator types that talk to you from four talk lanes. First things first: Know who you’re talking to by type, and with a little practice, you will be talking more effectively to everyone you come into contact with. O’Grady’s book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” is available at his Web site and at Amazon. You no longer can afford the heavy price tag of being a poor communicator!

We Need To Do A Better Job Of Communicating

What’s so funny about peace, love and understanding your communication habits? During my communication training seminars and workshops, one of my jobs is to ask my audience a focused question to get important feedback about what hits home and what doesn’t. When I ask a “directive question,” I do my best to listen open-mindedly. I don’t play to platitudes or grind a grudge ax against the opposite sex, or anyone. It’s amazing how open people generally are to helping a genuine psychologist.

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT THE WORLD?

What one thing would you change about the world if you had the power and control to do so? C’mon now, dream big! Would you bring peace to Planet Earth, seek better schools, world-wide prosperity, religious tolerance, better bosses, cheaper gas, freedom from prejudice, less advertising on T.V. or what? Here are the results to the “If I could change one thing about our world….” question:

1. PEACE ……………. 37.93%

2. COMMUNICATE BETTER …………. 31.03%

3. SHOW MORE UNDERSTANDING TO EVERYONE …………. 13.79%

4. ELIMINATE GOSSIP ………. 10.34%

5. PROSPERITY ……… 6.90%

Do you listen tuned in to what you’re going to say next? It doesn’t have to be that way.

PEACE OF MIND AND PEACE OF COMMUNITY COME FROM BETTER COMMUNICATION THAT DOESN’T DISCOUNT OR MAKE ANYONE FEEL INVISIBLE AND UNWORTHY

Once again, money doesn’t lead the parade of human happiness. Never has, never will. True, you enjoy money and what it can bring, but you know judging a man by the size of his wallet, well, it’s still judging. Lo and behold, no surprise here: You and I and WE long for peace in our personal relationships, a peace that extends out from each family and goes outward extending into our world. Disruption, distraction, hard feelings, hurt egos and war stems from missed communication opportunities. If we can’t talk…at least wars and fights and backbiting keep us in touch.

ARE YOU WILLING TO PUT YOUR MOUTH WHERE YOUR MONEY IS?

Test yourself here to find out if you are putting energy into “communicating better to add peace and understanding to me and my relationships.”

1. I listen carefully to what someone else is saying to me, especially when I feel anxious about what is being said.

2. I apologize when I “talk over” anyone, especially children or elders or co-workers, to push my point down a closed throat.

3. I understand that relationship conflicts suggest that there is an “inner conflict” within me that I need to talk about.

4. I read or listen to information that helps me become a more positive and effective communicator every day of the week.

5. I move past a bad mood by improving myself in little ways that create large dividends.

6. I work with my communicator type, and know why I am an Empathizer-type or Instigator-type communicator.

7. I don’t blame myself for what others refuse to work on or change.

8. I am in my life…I am in the driver’s seat of my life…I am the leader of my own life…I use my emotions as energy to go where I desire to.

9. I don’t stay stuck in unproductive fights and relationship patterns or co-dependencies that drain my energy and battery dry.

ONE OF THE BIGGEST CAUSES OF MISCOMMUNICATION

If you know everything, there’s nothing to learn. Comprende, compadre?
Being a “know-it-little” is a far sight better than being a “know-it-all”, y’all. As a communications expert and family relationship psychologist, I’ve found the best answer is often a good question to which you don’t know the answer. In fact, one of the biggest causes of miscommunication that you and I face today is not being able to say “I don’t know.” For example, you will listen more carefully and more open-mindedly to a speaker when “I don’t know what the answer is but I’d like to find out” is your creative mindset.

SO YOU WANT PEACE, LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING?

If you want good communication, then you must first be a good communicator. If you want to be listened to, then first you must listen to your own confident inner wisdom that you don’t have to know everything. If you want understanding, then you must stop playing the blame game when you’re ticked off. If you desire closeness, then you must be a trustworthy person who keeps your word when you don’t much feel like it.

FIRST THINGS FIRST

So first things first. Meaning what? Meaning the first order of business today is for YOU to be a good communicator. To first communicate accurately to yourself. To second communicate positively with yourself. Third, to communicate your special message to a world that needs your “peace of your mind” instead of another piece of your mind. After all, your peace of mind is a terrible thing to misplace.

ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY WHO IS A PROFESSIONAL SPEAKER, COMMUNICATIONS COACH, SEMINAR LEADER, COUPLE COUNSELOR AND AUTHOR OF THREE SELF-IMPROVEMENT BOOKS

Dr. Dennis O’Grady believes that people like YOU are pretty sharp and have a lot on the ball. Namely, intelligent people who are open-minded individuals and who are seeking to know instead of seeking to be right even when wrong. O’Grady is a father to three interesting and inspiring daughters, a husband, and a loving son to his elder mother Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady. Dr. O’Grady is a banquet keynote speaker, and inventer of the powerful new talk system called “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” The book is dedicated to his mother.

Do Ya’ Know What I’m Sayin’?

Aarggh! Lock me up and throw away the key the next time I hear someone screech like an owl in my dear little ear: “Do ya’ know what I’m sayin’?” Why on earth should I understand or know what you’re saying if YOU don’t know what you’re thinking, feeling or saying? But as a gifted psychologist, of course, and truthfully, typically I DO know what emotions the speaker is struggling to describe.

IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO GOOD COMMUNICATION MOVES

I’m sure you’re right! It all boils down to good communication moves, as I explain and freely teach you some smooth new talk moves in my latest book, “Talk to Me.” How well do you feel these one-liners point your communicator car in the right direction vs. ready you for a good laugh at YOU:

  • Do ya’ know what I’m sayin’?
  • Do ya’ agree with me, or what?
  • Do ya’ hear what I’m tellin’ ya’?
  • Do you know what I mean?
  • You know what I’m talkin’ about?
  • See what I mean?
  • You’ve got to agree with me that I’m right, right?
  • It’s like…you know?
  • Do you see what I’m saying?
  • Do you know where I’m at here?
  • Yeah, um, huh, do you know what I’m saying about all of that?
  • I don’t understand why everyone just can’t get along, ya’ know?
  • Things have to be his or her way or not at all, get my drift?!
  • Do you know what I’m talkin’ about?

LET ME MAKE IT PERFECTLY CLEAR TO YOU WHAT I’M SAYING

Are you fogging up the windshield of your mind with a bunch of jive talking? I’m tryin’ to talk to you here, dear reader, do ya’ know what I’m talkin’ about? Let me make it perfectly clear: “Know what I’m saying?” people fill my ears with the same noxious noises, as if someone’s fingernails were scratching across a chalk board. I can’t be responsible for my reactions, do ya’ know what I mean?

THE EMOTIONS TALKING MODE

No, it’s not easy to openly describe your emotions unashamedly and vulnerably to anyone. So we use “talk fillers” to help us fill in the “communication blanks.” I can’t help having a little more fun with this head-nodding notion: “I’m checkin’ in to see if you’re freakin’ out about me flippin’ out about the intensity of my feelings which makes no logical sense whatsoever but I swear on my mother’s grave that that’s exactly what I’m feeling and saying today.” Whew…your emotions sure DO communicate when you drive in the Emotions (E) talk mode.

ABOUT KEYNOTE SPEAKER, PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST AND EXECUTIVE COMMUNICATION COACH AND “TALK TO ME” SEMINAR LEADER…DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Do ya’ know what I’m sayin’? I’m doin’ pretty great, do ya’ know what I mean? Dr. Dennis O’Grady is still practicing communication psychology after 30+ years of being entertained and enlightened by all sorts of communication detours and puzzles. The leadership commuication insights he’s gleaned from being a human being, and also a doctoral-level trained and licensed psychologist, are found in his latest book: “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” available at this site and at Amazon. Do ya’ know what I’m sayin’? Do ya’ know where I’m coming from here? O’Grady is licensed to drive on the two-way communicator highway, and prefers to turn the radio station off when it blares out mixed messages that miss their mark. Get what I’m talkin’ about here?