All posts by : Dr. Dennis O'Grady

You can talk to a non-talking partner by asking “directive questions” that cause something new to come out that benefit everyone. You won’t speak up though, if your confidence is riddled with “I’d better leave them alone.” How can you keep your cool when your temperature is rising, because you feel ignored and disrespected? By talking positively to yourself in accurate and encouraging ways that reliably talk you down from an anger-anxiety high.

WHY EMPATHIZERS (E-TYPES) ARE WISE TO BECOME LESS SENSITIVE

Verbal expressions of anger or giving the cold shoulder or silent treatment “scare off” Empathizer (E-type) communicators, who feel they must have done something wrong. Also, E-types feel afraid that the anger can escalate, become an anger attack, and someone is going to get emotionally or physically hurt. So E-types can shut down or ramble on and on anxiously and incoherently. Naturally, I-types don’t respect emotional weak spots of any kind.

WHAT TO SAY TO YOURSELF TO KEEP YOUR COOL WHEN THE HEAT IS ON

E-types can be “less sensitive” to achieve better talk results. Skull talk: You first must talk positively to yourself to keep your cool when the silent treatment or heat is on like this:

• I am not the problem here…so listen up
  
• This isn’t my fault…so relax
• The point of talking is to explore issues…so ask open-ended questions
  
• I won’t sling mud back…so take it easy
• I won’t pick up any anger that isn’t mine…so smile
  
• I’m not a goat on a rope…so don’t interrupt
• I am in the driver’s seat here…so don’t talk over anyone
  
• Nothing bad’s going to happen here…so breathe deep
  
• I will stay calm and not be blown away by an anger hurricane…so enjoy
  

So first things first…calm yourself down and don’t take on anger that doesn’t belong to you because you’re not doing anything wrong.

MOODY PEOPLE AND ANGRY, ANGER-DEFAULTING DRIVERS

Instigators default almost always to the “safe” emotional set of irritation, frustration, aggravation and anger. Angry words, aggressive complaining or giving the cold shoulder don’t “intimidate” Instigator (I-type) communicators. Courage in the face of discouragement, is an I-type strength. Rambling anxious E-types who are unfocused or behaving in “willy-nilly” ways, really stuff wax in the ears of Instigators. Naturally, E-types resent those who are shaming or intolerant of feelings.

YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOUR OWN ATTITUDE

Although you aren’t personally responsible for a partner’s, teen or a child’s refusal to talk to you of anger…you are response-able to say key transactions that I-types like to hear that can diffuse the fuse on the bomb of the irrational fear of “soft or tender” emotions, such as hurt, loneliness, boredom, insecurity, rejection, sexual need and jealousy.

NO ONE WANTS TO COME ACROSS LIKE AN IDIOT

No one wants to come across like an idiot when they’re hurting or when they’re fussy and steamed…as no one wants to be a doormat for the muddy anger of a grumpy person having a tantrum to feel better at the expense of the entire household of loving spirits. You, too, can stay calm and talk “smarter” when your feelings are smarting.

THIS IS HOW IT IS: ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT, PSYCHOLOGIST, AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND BUSINESS TRAINER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady’s new communication system will show you how to talk in the language of your partner, child or business customer to create win-win problem-solving communication strategies. O’Grady teaches there are two communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators; who drive in the four talk lanes of Emotions, Beliefs, Behaviors and Talks. The reason there is so much miscommunication and frustration going on, isn’t because other people are so dad-blasted difficult who want to drive you insane, but because the two types of communicators haven’t been known until this point in our history and accounted for in our relationships. “A Beginner’s Guide to Communication” is available to study on Dr. O’Grady’s CommTools blog, while his entire advanced communication system is available only in his “Talk to Me” book and seminars. “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” is now available at Amazon. You can talk personally to Dr. O’Grady at his Web site, too.

Hey my dear Empathizers: Are you taking in the anger like sticking a pin into a pin cushion? Well, that won’t work. An Instigator partner, boss, boss’ wife or husband, or bossy customer isn’t always right, so YOU need to stay in your right emotional mind. Your job is to stay confident and refuse to follow an angry or sullen co-communicator who is being an ineffective talk leader, and listen up.

THE FIX WHEN THERE IS A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE

The fix is to listen to your own internal voice that is screaming, “Something terrible is going to happen here so you’ve got to do anything to please and accommodate this person who is dropping guilt bombs on ya’. Staying in emotional neutral, without getting all emotionally riled up, is VERY possible when you understand and use the “Talk to Me” communication system. After all, “I just don’t feel like talking about it!” platitudes perpetuates problems and keep everyone stressed to the max.

ARE YOU USING PLATITUDES OR POSITIVE TALK ATTITUDES?

A platitude is a cliche like “You shouldn’t hurt a person’s feelings!” or “You should’ve thought it through better!” It’s true that Empathizers can get lost in “What IF…” thinking. For example, “What IF I did something wrong?” or “What IF I did something that caused the person to feel bad or upset?” Thus, sometimes Empathizers are too bright for their own good, and can suffer from “analysis paralysis.” Platitudes don’t give you latitude to talk!

JUST FIX IT

If you’re doing something ineffective in your communication, or getting mixed results, then you are free to do something different that may work out a whole lot better. Catch my drift? Here’s how Empathizers can “think and speak positively” when feeling lost and lonely:

• This is how I see it
• I light everyone up, not let everyone down
• I have answers that solve the riddle
• Our relationship contract is up for renewal
• Something has to change here
• The “same old, same old” is old news
• I need to trust my gut
• Where are you coming from with that?
• I must do something different than what I’ve always done
• I vow to learn something new about good communication every day
• There is a better chance to solve problems when we communicate
  
• Needing to always be right is wrong
• When no one else appreciates me…I still do
• I’m there for ME all the time
• I’m not the problem here
• It’s not my stuff
• I’m a fast learner
• Feeling bad doesn’t make me bad

You ARE in the driver’s seat of your own life! Who better to sit behind the steering column?

LETTING THE OLD GO WHILE DOING THE NEW

Positive thinking helps you drive to new places in your life that you would like to go. Positive energy is like gasoline for your communicator car, you need it to make smooth communication moves that make a difference in your life.

THIS IS HOW IT IS: ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT, PSYCHOLOGIST, KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND BUSINESS CONSULTANT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady’s new communication system will show you how to talk in the language of your partner, child or business customer to create win-win problem-solving communication strategies. O’Grady teaches there are two communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators; who drive in the four talk lanes of Emotions, Beliefs, Behaviors and Talks. The reason there is so much miscommunication and frustration going on, isn’t because other people are so dad-blasted difficult who want to drive you insane, but because the two types of communicators haven’t been known until this point in our history and accounted for in our relationships. “A Beginner’s Guide to Communication” is available to study on Dr. O’Grady’s CommTools blog, while his entire advanced communication system is available only in his “Talk to Me” book and seminars. “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” is now available at Amazon. You can talk personally to Dr. O’Grady at his Web site, too.

Empathizer communicators or E-types are too calm for their own good…long, long fuses burn before they blow. Instigator communicators or I-types really try to stay calm and cool, but as a whole, they are an impatient group who expect most things to get done efficiently and effectively. E-types can feel down and blue for too long, while I-types can feel irritated and frustrated too often.

A BAD MOOD HAD BY ALL

This is how I see it: Your mood is the amount of gasoline you have in your communicator car. A bad mood makes you drive around town running on empty. “I stew about it!” is true of the Empathizer viewpoint while “I have a really short fuse!” is true of Instigators.

Thus, I-types are often frustrated by glitches beyond their control, as the vulture of impatience picks at their bones and serenity. “Are you mad at me?” is often a relationship check-in to find out “Did I do something that bothers you?” Both E- and I-types dislike stirring the relationship pot or messing with the status quo. “Change” is your middle name.

ARE YOU MAD LIKE ME…ARE ALL COMMUNICATORS CUT FROM THE SAME CLOTH?

A new world opens up, as if you’re looking through a telescope (or microscope) for the first time when you learn what makes Empathizer communicators tick and makes Instigator communicators ticked off. No problem, Snoopy.

INSTIGATOR TALK
Know this about your tough-skinned Instigator co-communicator who doesn’t much feel like talking to you “too sensitive” E-types:

• I-types don’t talk to try and control their feelings
• I-types believe feelings spell trouble for good relationships
• I-types thus can come across as cold and unfeeling
• I-types talk negatively in bombastic in rigid ways when they feel afraid
  
• I-types pick at your good character or motives (speak inaccurately) when they feel insecure
• I-types Achilles Heel is feeling out of control of their emotions
  
• I-types energy is commanding and confident when they feel weak or small
  
• I-types blurt out private thoughts that they don’t mean for public consumption
  

EMPATHIZER TALK
Let’s be fair. Know this about your thin-skinned Empathizer co-communicator who always feels like talking to you “too insensitive” I-types:

• E-types prefer to talk about their feelings to control them
• E-types believe avoidance of feelings spell trouble for good relationships
• E-types thus can come across as hot and extra-feeling or “too moody”
  
• E-types criticize themselves in compulsive ways when they feel afraid
  
• E-types back off and don’t speak up (speak inaccurately) when they feel insecure
• E-types Achilles Heel is feeling out of control of their thinking
  
• E-types energy is dimmed and low self-esteem reigns when they feel weak or small
  
• E-types sit on private thoughts that are meant for public consumption

Both Empathizers and Instigators can have an “inferiority complex” about their communicator type. It’s going to get a whole bunch better when you adopt the strengths of your opposing communicator type, by understanding their viewpoint about which communication modes work best in their world of communication.

THIS IS HOW IT IS: A LITTLE BIT ABOUT PROFESSIONAL SPEAKER, COMMUNICATIONS WORKSHOP LEADER AND MARRIAGE COUNSELOR DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

The reason there is so much miscommunication and frustration going on, isn’t because other people are so ornery and dad-blasted difficult who want to drive you nuts, but because the two types of communicators haven’t been known until this point in our cultural history and accounted for in our relationships. Did you have a relationship communication class in high school, on par with the amount of time you spent in driver’s ed classes learning how to drive correctly? Of course not. Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author and originator of the new communication system called “Talk To Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady teaches there are two communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators; who drive in the four talk lanes of Emotions, Beliefs, Behaviors and Talks. “Talk to Me” is available for purchase at this website and at Amazon.

You can either be responsive or be reactive when others you work or love feel mad. Empathizer communicators (E-types) are afraid of their own and others’ anger, while Instigator communicators (I-types) default to anger to avoid more vulnerable feelings. “I just don’t feel like talking about it!” is double-speak for “I don’t feel like getting into my emotions because I might get stuck there and stay down!”

PROMISING THE MOON BUT DELIVERING DIRT

It’s easy to open your mouth and speak like a jerk when you’re steamed. Just ask me. “When you sling mud, you lose ground!” means whenever you “go off” and speak the negative, you lose out! When you sling back mud or manure that has been thrown at you, who is responsible for making your hands dirty? Promises made, should be kept. Ask your partner or colleague if he or she is afraid to speak to you for fear of hurting you or making you mad. It’s the best excuse going nowadays to avoid growing as a positive person or couple through the avenue of painful emotions.

ME-JERK REACTIONS

Blaming-and-shaming a rider in your communication car shuts down good communication. Here’s some examples of talking like a jerk from ME-ville:

1. It’s not my fault.

2. It’s your problem not mine.

3. I don’t do it all the time.

4. Why can’t you get over it?

5. You’re a control freak!

6. I had to do it because it was the right thing to do!

7. Blood is thicker than water.

8. I’ve never said that I’m a saint.

You don’t need anyone to go to great lengths to make you happy, secure and confident. That’s your job.

ME-TALK TRANSACTIONS

You are response-able. Communication is 100% the issue. Here’s what the above transactions would sound like stated in a responsive vs. reactive way:

1. It’s not your fault because no one is at fault here!

2. Your problem is my problem, too. How can I be of help?

3. How can I change to make us both happier?

4. Talking through emotions is the best way to get over it!

5. I’m the leader of my own life which is my full-time job!

6. I can change my mind and do something that works better!

7. Blood may be thicker than water but it doesn’t taste as good!

8. You don’t have to be a perfect sinner, either!

Well, I was a little sarcastic on that last one, forgive me.

I DON’T WANT TO GIVE UP MY TRUE SELF TO BE LOVED BY YOU

You don’t think too much. You aren’t bossy. You know what you like and dislike. You don’t want to be who you are when it makes your partner mad. Are you feeling guilty for nothin’? If you worry that you make people angry by being you…then perhaps you are feeling angry for selling yourself short in a relationship that’s going nowhere. After all, you can’t make someone love you.

ABOUT PROFESSIONAL SPEAKER, MARRIAGE COUNSELOR AND RELATIONSHIP PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady’s new communication system will show you how to talk in the language of your partner, child or business customer to create win-win problem-solving communication strategies. “A Beginner’s Guide to Communication” is freely available to study on Dr. O’Grady’s CommTools blog.