I Don’t Want To Talk About It

“I don’t feel like talking about it!” is a cement roadblock erected on the communication highway when temperatures are rising. How are you supposed to talk to a partner who doesn’t want to talk? Someone who prefers to suffer in silence? Very carefully! If you push a person too hard to talk, he or she may back off and give you the silent treatment. If you don’t explore talking at all, valuable talk topics will be dead on arrival.

THE PURPOSE OF GOOD COMMUNICATION

The purpose of good communication is to be able to walk a mile in the moccasins of your fellow traveler on the two-way communication highway, a journey that leads to personal growth, interpersonal closeness and relationship peace. Bad communication is akin to playing blindman’s buff…a mindgame in which one person, blindfolded and confused, tries to catch and identify one of the other players. “Truth lite” clouds the truth and demotes good communication.

IF YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT IT … IT DOESN’T EXIST?

“If you don’t talk about it, it doesn’t exist!” is mentally confusing communication. Confusing communication is the same as a driver education teacher blindfolding a student and telling him or her to drive…then yelling about the driving mistakes made. It just doesn’t add up or make sense, and you have to try too hard to be happy, and feel like a loser or failure.

A MARRIAGE ON THE ROCKS?

If you don’t talk about problems, the problems get worse, and come back to bite you. How to know when your marriage or a relationship is in a state of disrepair, one in which you give up yourself to meet expectations:

1. Not following through on promises

2. Use of brazen, impudent, boldfaced lies

3. Inability to share basic life viewpoints

4. Lack of intimacy

5. Debating that yields no fruit because it is fruitless

6. Avoidance

7. Constant disagreements

8. Perpetual “I can’t take it!” frustrations

9. Emotional isolation

10. “It’s your problem not mine!” blame-gaming

11. Hiding the truth from friends and family

12. Beating up on self

13. Biggest strengths are core problems brainwashing

Is your marriage on the rocks? Do you have a legal marriage instead of a positive relationship? If you can’t talk productively, problems escalate.

I DON’T FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT’S YOUR PROBLEM NOT MINE!

“It’s all your problem not mine!” is the ultimate plea of interpersonal innocence and shrugging off accountability for actions. Instead of a multiple personality disorder, it’s a “multiple lies disorder,” beginning with the belief that denial isn’t ever destructive. “It’s not my fault so I don’t have to change anything about me!” doesn’t follow the golden rule of the communication highway that says we all are 50% co-responsible for the outcome of any communication in marriage or a business relationship.

ABOUT PROFESSIONAL SPEAKER AND RELATIONSHIP PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady’s new communication system will show you how to talk in the language of your partner, child or business customer to create win-win problem-solving communication strategies. “A Beginner’s Guide to Communication” is freely available to study on Dr. O’Grady’s CommTools blog.

Don’t Go Away Mad…Just Go Away

If you’re on the front line of customer service, then chances are you are an Empathizer-type (E-type) communicator who wants everyone to just get along and be happy. Likewise, chances are that your irate customer is an Instigator-type (an I-type) communicator who believes that there is a “right and good” vs. a “wrong and bad” way to handle customer complaints. These fanciful ideas don’t always work so well in the real world of customer relations and imperfect business systems.

WHY THE CUSTOMER ISN’T ALWAYS RIGHT

Although the platitude chanted is “The customer is always right!”…you and I both know that angry customers dump gunk on any passerby, especially one who is paid to listen to their complaint. Most frequently used excuse to vent is this one: “I’ve got to get this off my chest!” You don’t have to pick up the insecurity and fear of an irate customer. You don’t have to wear those negative feelings around your neck like an Albatross the rest of your day. A dead bird you ain’t!

HOW TO KEEP YOUR COOL DURING HEATED DEBATES

How to talk to an I-type communicator who is upset and venting? It’s not too difficult, but what to say that works often runs counter-logical to what you E-types “feel” will help. Imagine saying these things to an irate customer. What will be the comeback, do you suppose?

1. OUR INTENTION IS TO MAKE EVERY CUSTOMER HAPPY, AND THAT INCLUDES YOU.

2. WE DIDN’T MEAN TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS.

3. I’M SURE YOU’RE RIGHT.

4. THIS SEEMS VERY BAD, BUT IT WILL GET BETTER.

5. WHO CAN BLAME YOU?

6. TALKING LOUD AND SHOUTING ONLY MAKES THINGS WORSE.

7. UNLOADING ON ME WON’T RESOLVE THIS.

8. PERHAPS YOU’RE RIGHT BUT YOU’RE WRONG TO TAKE OUT YOUR FRUSTRATIONS ON ME.

9. I DON’T WANT YOU TO KEEP EMBARRASSING YOURSELF.

10. DON’T FEEL AFRAID THAT THIS CAN’T BE FIXED.

11. IF YOU CAN CALM DOWN, WE CAN GET TO THE TRUTH OF THIS.

Being upset isn’t a viable excuse to be a pest. “I’m sure you’re right!” takes the hot air out of the ego balloon of an irate customer. “You know misery loves company!” is not the kind of company you wish to keep, is it?

I HATE CONFLICT SO I AVOID IT

What do you think? The implied message is “Temper tantrums don’t work around here.” Problems can be more easily solved when anger isn’t allowed to lead the talk parade.

I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU…OR YOUR UNHELPFUL ANGER

All of these transactions send the implied message that “I’m not going to be controlled by your blustery anger…I am not afraid of you or your manipulative anger. Calm down, this issue doesn’t have to be a major psychodrama. Of course, the irate customer will defend him- or herself but something more productive and positive and peaceful is likely to happen.

THIS IS HOW IT IS: ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT, PSYCHOLOGIST, AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND BUSINESS TRAINER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady’s new communication system will show you how to talk in the language of your partner, child or business customer to create win-win problem-solving communication strategies. O’Grady teaches there are two communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators; who drive in the four talk lanes of Emotions, Beliefs, Behaviors and Talks. The reason there is so much miscommunication and frustration going on, isn’t because other people are so dad-blasted difficult who want to drive you insane, but because the two types of communicators haven’t been known until this point in our history and accounted for in our relationships. “A Beginner’s Guide to Communication” is available to study on Dr. O’Grady’s CommTools blog, while his entire advanced communication system is available only in his “Talk to Me” book and seminars. “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” is now available at Amazon. You can talk personally to Dr. O’Grady at his Web site, too.

If You Don’t Have Anything Nice To Say…You Are A Numbskull

If you’re going to pursue “positive and effective approaches to communication” by using my TALK2ME  system, you must first give positive feedback to yourself and those you enjoy. THEN proceed to give accurate negative feedback that turns up the flame of change. To do this: Begin listening to the “skull talk” or “inner talk” that you use toward yourself…what you think about yourself is REALLY your own business…and no one else’s. Often, you are “blind” to how others positively view you.

LET YOUR POSITIVE THOUGHTS FLOW

Here’s why you are wise to let your positive thoughts flow in your self-talk and significant other(s)’ talk:

  • When you want to say something positive and make sure it won’t be taken wrong
  • When you want to share an appreciation
  • When you are telling the truth, not manipulating or “kissing up”
  • When you want to safely share positive impressions
  • When you are keeping your energy and spirits high by trying on positive talk tools for size
  • When you don’t want to be taken wrong by the opposite gender
  • When you want to “check out” the impact of your words or “test the waters”

IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY…YOU ARE A NUMBSKULL

“I’m not going to say anything that will stir up a hornet’s nest” … “I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, much less mad” … and “I hate conflict” are the reasons most often given for keeping positive thoughts to themselves. People are afraid to bring up a need, wish or desire that will benefit everyone. “If you don’t have anything nice to say…don’t say anything at all!” has gone WAY overboard. It’s simply not healthy to “stuff your positive feelings and keep them locked inside your heart.”

WHY SHOULD YOU GO EASY ON THE COMPLIMENTS?

When is it appropriate to give compliments that might put someone on the spot and under the spotlight? Remember, many times you aren’t giving a compliment, but sharing a good feeling both of you are experiencing. BIG difference. When someone arouses a good feeling in you…good for you both. How to better a bad mood? By allowing yourself to feel positive feelings that others inspire in you. Wanna’ beat the blues? Than beat your co-communicator to “singing the sunshine.” It sure beats singing the blues!

USING THE ‘TALK TO ME’ APPROACH TO CREATE FAST CHANGES THAT LAST…
LEARNING TO LOVE—LOVING TO BE A FAST LEARNER USING NEW TALK TOOLS

Let go. Let your love flow. Let what you like out. Let your kindnesses grace this unkind planet. Do kiss…but don’t kiss up. Say what you mean and mean what you say without being mean. Then you’ll be on the road to being one of the best communicators you know! And that’s what matters most, when the tires of your self-esteem are low or have been popped.

ABOUT PROFESSIONAL KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady likes to think of himself as the AAA tow-truck driver, the guy who arrives on the scene just in time to help everyone on the Communications Highway make the necessary repairs – sometimes small, sometimes huge – that get everyone going again. He’s author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone.”

What Can Everyday People Do To Create Better Communication?

“What can ordinary people do to communicate better?” is a question I am frequently asked by magazine, radio and newspaper media interviewers. Isn’t that a great question to ask a communications psychologist, professional speaker and business consultant? The answer is pretty simple, but not necessarily easy. Instead of losing your cool again, the “Talk to Me” System works wonders whenever you feel free to study and use it.

WHAT EVERYDAY PEOPLE DO TO CREATE A BETTER COMMUNICATOR ATTITUDE THAT WORKS BETTER FOR THEM

Here are a few key comments from my seminar audience members about finding better routes to travel on the two-way communication highway:

1. I’ll determine which type of communicator my spouse and colleagues are and talk in their own “talk language.”

2. I will change what I do and how I speak depending on whether I’m dealing with an Empathizer-type or an Instigator-type communicator.

3. I won’t try to win at any cost or outstrategize (others), but be more effective at a win-win.

4. Growth comes through adopting the strengths of my opposite communicator type.

5. When I interact, I will respond instead of over-react in a knee-jerk fashion.

6. I will approach each person with an open mind, instead of judging them as “They are O.K. (or not) because they believe as I do (or don’t).”

7. I won’t judge others as annoying when they disagree with me.

8. Look at my children differently when I correct or punish them as they may be a different communicator type.

9. A new way of looking at where a person is coming from in work relationships and business negotiations.

10. Realize that the two types of communication, although very different, can be blended together well to form better (more flexible) forms of communication.

11. Inspiration to challenge my opposite type rather than writing them off as close-minded.

12. And more trust and confidence that opposite communication styles can be bridged with good teaching and skills coaching!

DO YOU WANT TO RIDE OR DRIVE?

Earn your license to drive on the communication highway with the help of positive communicator attitudes that steer you away from platitudes and blame games that steadfastly prohibit change.

SEEK AND YE SHALL FIND BETTER COMMUNICATION ROADS TO TRAVEL

Yes, when you seek better communication ye shall find new answers all around you beckoning to be heard and used. Are you truly a sensitive communicator? Or just over-sensitive to yourself and your ego or hurt feelings when you don’t get your way? Getting along with others means first being a friend to your own communicator nuances, strengths and Achilles Heel. Do you know what I’m talking about? If not, why not?

ARE WE THERE YET?

Why wait until you “get there” to enjoy the ride in your communicator car? Knowing whether you are the driver of an ocean blue Empathizer-type communicator car, or you are the driver of a burnt orange Instigator-type communicator car…takes you from the horse and buggy era to the world of interstate automotive travel fast. Are you ready for a change?

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT AND PROFESSIONAL SPEAKER AND SEMINAR LEADER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Go on a trip you won’t soon forget and get your kicks on Route 66, and talk to yourself and others in new ways that work wonders. Experience good results for yourself by using this new interpersonal communication approach found only in “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” Don’t wait “until” all your ducks are lined up just right, or you lose out big in an important relationship, before you spend a few minutes taking care of YOU with help of the “Talk to Me” approach to relationship communication. No, this isn’t work…it’s fun, pleasurable and stress reducing. Your positive attitude will be boosted, your mood improve, junk not get ya’ down for long, and a whole bunch of other cool stuff. Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a psychologist licensed to drive on the communication highway, who lives in Dayton, Ohio, USA.

Why You’re Wrong To Be Right

A closed mind is the No. 1 enemy to good talks. It’s characterized by judging another as inferior, not like you, uncooperative, deserving of bad things happening to others. Miscommunication is the refusal to let someone else change your mind when you aren’t driving the right way on the two-way communicator highway.

KEEP AN OPEN MIND AND YOU SHALL FIND?

What are some of the novel ways to keep positive and effective communication turned on during tense times:

1. An open mind…knowing what others truly think and why

2. Appreciating no one can know everything there is to know

3. An optimistic attitude that embraces different ways of getting good results

4. A positive and negative feedback expert who is good at finding strengths

5. A yea-sayer who embraces personal change on a daily basis

6. Uses an “I’m O.K. and You’re O.K.” mindset that doesn’t discount others

7. Owner of an assertive stance that says, “I can change to be a little better every single day!”

8. Communicates sensitive emotions without downing others

9. During tense disagreements, has this attitude: “You don’t have to see things my way to get along with me!”

10. A willingness to learn from any failures to communicate every day

CHANGE HAPPENS TO ME NOW

An open mind is what so many of us lack…so we keep getting the same poor communication results in patterned ways over-and-over-and-over-and-over again, and then wonder why we feel so tired and frustrated.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT AND PROFESSIONAL SPEAKER AND SEMINAR LEADER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Go on a trip you won’t soon forget and get your kicks on Route 66, and talk to yourself and others in new ways that work wonders. Experience good results for yourself by using this new interpersonal communication approach found only in “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” Don’t wait “until” all your ducks are lined up just right, or you lose out big in an important relationship, before you spend a few minutes taking care of YOU with help of the “Talk to Me” system to relationship communication. Your positive attitude will be boosted, your mood improve, junk not get ya’ down for long, and a whole bunch of other real cool stuff. Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a psychologist licensed to drive on the communication highway, who lives in Dayton, Ohio, USA.