All posts by : Dr. Dennis O'Grady

When you’re frustrated or irritated with someone you work with or love who’s let you down one more time, are you reading too much into it? Making talk copouts or “psychoexcuses” that turn you off from your fellow talk traveler is as commonplace as hungry mice in a house in wintertime. Fast talkers slip out of taking responsibility for their unhelpful actions or inactions by talking fast in slippery ways to slide right past you.

SLIPPERY SPEAK: “I DIDN’T GET AROUND TO IT!”

Examples of using slippery speak or “psychoexcuses” to cover up failures of performance: “I didn’t get around to it!” or “That may be what you heard, I can’t argue with that, but that’s not what I said!” “BUT I didn’t mean to…!” is another way to turn off a family or team member fast. And last but not least, what about, “I don’t do IT all the time!” Hey, maybe you aren’t reading too much into the under-performance and over-promising of a slippery speaker!

“ME”-TALK AND YOU LISTEN

Keeping one’s word is an important lesson for all honest and ethical communicators to learn. If you promise but don’t deliver anything but excuses–your word will be worth less than dull buttons on an old coat due to false advertising. Take a listen and you will hear more “ME”-TYPE TALK below that majors in crafty “psychoexcuses” to distract talks from focusing on the continuing failure to deliver the goods to you.

1. I didn’t get AROUND to it.
2. You can ONLY do so much.
3. I’m NOT a perfect person.
   
4. I gave it my BEST shot but things didn’t work out.
5. You act like I did it on PURPOSE just to spite you!
6. Why am I BLAMED for everything?
7. SO what was it that you heard me say I was going to do?
8. You’ve got to stop living in the PAST and get over it!
9. I just want to do the RIGHT thing by you NOW!
   
10. You’re being a CONTROL freak!
11. IT wasn’t a big deal…why do you make a mountain out of a mole hill?
    
12. There you go again WORRYING about everything!
13. I said I would take responsibility for fixing the PROBLEMS.
14. Who’s to say when somebody should CHANGE?
15. It’s the way it’s ALWAYS been…you can’t blame me.
16. I couldn’t help it BECAUSE I was exhausted and my nerves were shot.
17. Are you telling me you think it was ALL my fault?!
18. I know I seem HARD to reach or talk to lately but…
19. Think POSITIVE…things are going to be O.K.
20. Most of what you see as problems are in your own HEAD!
21. WHY can’t you let it go? We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it!
22. How can I talk WHEN you interrupt me?
23. How can I be honest with you if you ONLY criticize me?
24. Why can’t you STOP focusing on the negative…it makes bad stuff happen?
25. Why do you always have to be SO negative?
26. You can’t fault me for being late ALL the time.
27. You’re taking this way TOO personal!
28. YOU’RE twisting my words around.
29. Who could have seen IT coming?
30. Who could have guessed THAT would happen?
31. I didn’t EXACTLY promise that I would do it.
32. THINGS are pretty black-and-white here.
33. You’ve GOT TO be more reasonable and logical about this problem.

PLEASE DON’T TAKE THIS PERSONALLY, BUT…

I cringe as a psychologist, whenever I hear psychological excuses successfully used to evade being accountable and responsible to our relationships. Talk isn’t cheap, but priceless. In summary, “I meant to BUT I didn’t get around to it BECAUSE…” writes a long laundry list of why you and I didn’t do what was agreed to. Slippery speak excuses are personally prescribed failures that play the victim violin loud and long.

IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO AT THE TIME

I have heard it all before…and so have you when it comes to convenient excuses and mind-spinning rationalizations: “I couldn’t find time to…Some things just don’t fall into place easily like you plan them to…You were in a really bad mood so I couldn’t talk to you…How many times do I have to tell you that I didn’t do it on purpose…Things are going to be O.K. from here on out…IF you would stop getting all bent out of shape things would work out…You’re being WAY too sensitive about this…Why can’t you believe me for a change…It’s ALL going to be just fine…It’ll get better…You’re not as bad as before…Give me a chance to make up for it…You’ve got MY word on it…I didn’t mean to hurt you on purpose or be mean!”

Here’s the point: The word of an excuse-maker is as good as fake gold.

TALK LIKE A PRO?

You’re not reading too much into it! There is trouble brewing and not much is going to change if you believe the pretty promises of a rationalizer. Are you being led around by the nose and your energy drained by a slippery talker? Time to change all that. Why allow an excuse-maker to back you into a talk corner and make you feel depressed about what they are unwilling to do.
You deserve to practice the power of positive communication and personal change to leave your woes, worries and discouragements behind in the rearview mirror of your life.

A LITTLE BIT ABOUT PROFESSIONAL KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is available in the resource store at his Web site www.drogrady.com. Dr. O’Grady leads workshops, and provides business consulting, about two new communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators. Let’s take “playing by the rules” as a fun example. Empathizers or E-types expect others to make the rules, while Instigators or I-types expect others to play by the rules they make. Likewise, take “grudge matches or grudge keeping.” E-types daily wipe their slate clean which can create co-dependency, while I-types keep accounting records of rights vs. wrongs that can lead into a co-dependency. Knowing who you’re talking to in the workplace by communicator type and temperament, makes all the difference in the “mood” in your workplace and the “effectiveness” of your management team.

Rejection is a sharp blow to the gut that leaves you reeling and feeling that you’re not worth much. Alarmingly, “psychocritiquers” specialize in making you feel guilty for your relationship talents, and claim that you are TOO sensitive while they surgically shred your self-esteem into tiny pieces. When you desperately need the love and approval of disapproving or insensitive people, you will lose any debate that you are a “good man or woman” who deserves to be loved and liked just as you.

YOU’RE BEING TOO SENSITIVE?

What type of “You’re just being TOO…!” criticism have you been lashed with lately? For example, “You’re TOO sensitive!” or “You’re TOO selfish and only think about yourself!” When the guilt bomb is dropped on ya’ baby, do you just stand there and take it? When you argue with a controlling criticizer or NegaTalker, you lose the respect of yourself and the speaker.

YOU ALONE ARE THE FINAL JUDGE OF WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT RIGHT STUFF YOUR CHARACTER IS MADE OF?

Why are you supposed to carry the guilt bags of a guilter as if you are their servant? After all, you alone are the final judge of who you are and what right stuff your character is made of.

REJECTING, REJECTING ZINGERS

Although rejection is always a two-way street, a crazy driver coming dead-on at your car at breakneck speed isn’t your fault.

You can disconnect from failure feelings by using this four-step, positive self-talk communication tool. Here’s how the self-talk technique works:

1. HEAR THE CRITICISM

Listen: Make sure you know exactly what you’re being accused of.

The Tool: Listen for the ending KEY word in “You are TOO…” statements.

EXAMPLE: “You’re just being TOO SENSITIVE.”

2. REVERSE THE REJECTION BY FLIPPING IT AROUND INTO THE POSITIVE STRENGTH.

Use Reverse Psychology: Think of the criticism as a signpost on the road of life that points in the direction of relationship talents and personal strengths that you may take for granted.

The Tool: Ask yourself, “What is the opposite positive side of the negative trait of…?”

EXAMPLE: You are being criticized that, “You are just TOO SENSITIVE.” Use reverse psychology to uncover your opposite strength, “What is the upside or the opposite positive side of being too sensitive?” The positive side of the trait coin: “The positive side of being too sensitive is enjoying EMPATHY.”

3. ASSUME YOUR CRITICIZER REJECTS OR SHAMES THE SAME STRENGTH IN HIS/HER OWN LIFE.

The Shame and Blame Game: Strong feelings are often shamed and blame-placed when talks heat up. So think of your talent or personal strength that is being critiqued, as something that your criticizer needs but refused to access due to parental programming.

The Tool: Ask yourself, “Is it true that my rejecter is shaming the feeling, and discounting the very same strength in themselves?”

EXAMPLE: “S/he is rejecting me for being TOO SENSITIVE. Is it true that he or she need to feel more empathy and sensitivity toward others but are simply too frightened to?”

4. PREDICT WHAT TREATMENT YOU MIGHT RECEIVE FROM THE CRITICIZER IN THE FUTURE.

The Future Painful Pattern: Expect a “distracting talks” pattern to develop where emotionally sensitive topics are avoided like the plague. Ironically, the finger of blame will be repeatedly pointed in the direction of your best talents and disowned strengths. Thus, you will be repeatedly criticized for strengths that you hide — talents that are also missing and rarely demonstrated in the life of the criticizer.

The Tool: Ask yourself “How can a rejecter give me something they don’t have inside to give?” Then somehow, do your best to give the missing experience to yourself as you live your life and encounter others on the talk road.

EXAMPLE: “How can someone who lacks empathy show me empathy? Why do I expect respect for my feelings, when I don’t respect that my feelings are moods that come and go? If I want to be treated with sensitivity, I had better start treating myself more caringly and empathetically for a change.”

IF YOU DON’T LOVE YOURSELF…CRITICISMS CRAM YOUR TALENTS INTO A JAR OF LONELINESS

If you don’t love yourself, how do you expect to ever be loved ENOUGH? If you don’t like yourself, why should anyone else bother to? Criticisms cram your talents into a jar and make you feel squeezed into a jar of loneliness. Love and hate are mashed and fused together by “psychocritiquers” who gain power by convincing you that their opinions about you matter more than what you think.

Anger is not used in caring or compassionate ways in this society. “I’m only trying to help you!” or “I hate to have to be the one to tell you this BUT…!” are polite commentaries that are dripping with the poison-tipped barbs of the blame and shame game. Unnecessary and inaccurate personal rejections and insults result.

What “negative” traits are you criticized for having? You can learn to turn rejections inside-out to lay claim to the gold mine of your secret secrets and hidden relationship talents that you sometimes take for granted.

WHY ALLOW ANYONE TO HARPOON YOUR SELF-ESTEEM?

You can pull out the harpoons that a “psychocritiquer” or guilt bomber sticks in the flesh of your self-esteem. You be the final judge of the kind of person you are. If you don’t like or love yourself, you will always be vulnerable to the approval and disapproval ratings of others who are seeking to control your mind and life.

Fear of criticism or of being disliked, is a fear-driven reactionary position that shreds your self-esteem with your consent. Stop going along with others who bring you down, and stop being a self-cutter who hates yourself when others refuse to love you.

ABOUT KEYNOTE SPEAKER, RELATIONSHIP COACH AND CHANGE SEMINAR LEADER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady’s seven-hour audio program “NO HARD FEELINGS: Managing Anger and Conflict in Your Work, Family and Love Life,” shows how you can get past personal rejections and heal relationship resentments using positive and effective communication tools. O’Grady’s CommTools articles on “Guilt Bombs” and “12 Self-Esteem Rights” make fine accompanying reading. When you’re hit in the gut with rejecting and inaccurate punches, stop slighting and start boosting your self-esteem by using the “Talk to Me” communication system. “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” is available at his Dr. O’Grady’s site or at Amazon now.

For many people, holiday feelings come decked in holly-berry red, tinsel silver or Scotch pine green. For them, sleigh bells really do jingle.

Not all of us are lucky enough to be in that select group. There are also the lonely ones, the only ones to whom the sounds of Christmas are hollow.

THE LONELY CROWD

Lonely folks aren’t holiday haters; they aren’t dyed-in-the-wool Scrooges who never allowed themselves to enjoy; they aren’t weirdos or loners who don’t want to participate in the joys of the season. And, paradoxically, they aren’t alone in their loneliness.

AH, LOOK AT ALL THE LONELY PEOPLE

At heart, we are all existentially alone to some extent. So the lonely ones are people just like you and me. They don’t want to be left out any more than any of us do. Be kind and gentle with them (and you) if they cross your path this season. Be a kind and caring friend to yourself if you are one of them.

7 TYPES OF LONELINESS AND WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT

Here are some people who are likely to be lonely through the holidays–and what they and you can do about it:

THE BEREAVED: Memories of departed loved ones occur more intensely during holiday gatherings. Instead of isolating yourself, join in. Let yourself mourn your losses to move on, tell stories about your lost loved ones and let the healing tears fall.

LOW SELF-ESTEEMERS: Your asking questions like “Who wants to go out with someone like me on New Year’s Eve?” or “What does it matter what I buy her, since she probably won’t like it anyway?” Give yourself a real Christmas gift by joining a group or getting involved in the personal growth psychotherapy of change.

MISTRUSTERS: You are cautious about revealing what you really think or feel, for fear of being hurt. Create a space for joy in your life. Make your New Year’s resolution to close the relationship confidence gap, and let yourself be loved and love.

SHY RETIREES: Don’t stop yourself from reaching out to others because you fear rejection. During the holidays, make a point of doing something you fear to do; call up someone you want to know better, and invite them out for coffee or cheers. Turn off your critical self-camera, and enjoy the pleasures of being with friendly faces.

THE DISPLACED: Fast-paced modern ways can cause disruptive life changes that make us feel uprooted and isolated, especially during the holidays. Reach out. Volunteer to help out at local shelters for the homeless or in a hospital; or visit shut-ins and needy people. Join a group where you can meet people of similar interests.

COMPULSIVES: You have worked hard to fight a dependency on people, food, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes or self-criticism, and some of your feelings don’t fit your new life-style. Changing a worrisome habit can feel like losing a friend. Give yourself plenty of good feelings for your healthy new behavior that takes great courage.

COMMANDERS-IN-CHIEF: You think you’re in control and you’re tough, that you don’t need anyone’s approval. But everyone needs nurturing. Instead of roughing up people with your off-the-cuff-harsh words, be kind and make a pact with yourself to try a little time, love and tenderness.

Loneliness is a close family relative to depression. As an honored member of our human family, you do experience loneliness and the need to be connected to people who see and hear and sing along to the song of your true self, too!

ABOUT INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATIONS CONSULTANT, KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND SEMINAR LEADER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady lives and writes in the “cradle of inventiveness”…Dayton, Ohio, USA. His latest book is a mood booster called “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” It is available at his Web site or at Amazon now. O’Grady is a licensed clinical psychologist who understands that the colors of Christmas are red, green–and blue.