Stop Criticizing Your Self-Esteem

Criticizing yourself predictably leads to low self-esteem and doesn’t promote or motivate needed changes…especially when you’re a sensitive personality and a caring person. Empathizer-type communicators are prone to resisting change by criticizing themselves, while Instigator-type communicators are prone to criticizing others to resist changing the self. Either way, needed changes don’t happen and communication gets all fouled up and pops off like a car backfiring.

CRITICIZING YOURSELF MULTIPLIES THE NEGATIVE AND NEUTRALIZES THE POSITIVE

Do you think being hard on yourself and talking harshly to yourself motivates you to change like being yelled at in communication boot camp? Not so..surprise, surprise, Gomer Pyle. Criticizing yourself or taking on others’ criticisms tears down your self-esteem AND actually promotes the negative behavior the criticism is supposedly discouraging.

If you want to give yourself a tough time…criticize yourself because you will predictably get more criticisms, lowly feelings and less confidence. No miracle there.

PSYCHOCRITIQUING IS BRAINWASHING

Get ready for news that will blow your mind. ALL criticisms, or “psychocritiques” actually TELL you to continue doing what you despise and to fail to do something new that would make you feel a ton better. Get it? Perverse, reverse psychology at its worst. Propaganda says one thing on the surface, and compels your mind to follow the negative implied command. Get a kick from yourself, or get kicked by someone else…they all backfire to improve yourself.

PERVERSE, REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY…WHY ‘DON’T DO’ MEANS ‘DO DO’

Wired examples of perverse, reverse psychology that create re-cycled psychodramas, the kind that make you blind to your ever-present ability to turn in a new chosen direction at the crossroads of change:

1. You don’t need to be so worried….TELLS AND COMPELS YOUR MIND TO BE WORRIED.

2. You shouldn’t get this upset…TELLS AND COMPELS YOUR MIND TO BE UPSET.

3. What good will complaining do…TELLS AND COMPELS YOUR MIND TO COMPLAIN MORE AND CHANGE LESS.

4. Why do you always have to be so negative, anyway…TELLS AND COMPELS YOUR MIND TO BE NEGATIVE.

5. What I would do IF I were you…TELLS AND COMPELS YOUR MIND TO DO THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT’S BEING SUGGESTED.

6. Now I’m NOT saying that you’re at fault here BUT…TELLS AND COMPELS YOUR MIND TO BE AT FAULT FOR THE PROBLEM AND FIX IT.

7. You don’t have to try so hard to be perfect, ya’ know….TELLS AND COMPELS YOUR MIND TO STRIVE TO BE PERFECT AT ALL COSTS, INCLUDING THE COST OF DOING IT “GOOD ENOUGH.”

8. Now I don’t want you to take this personally but I’ve got to be honest with you here…TELLS AND COMPELS YOUR MIND TO TAKE NEGATIVE FEEDBACK TOO PERSONALLY.

9. We’ve got to talk…TELLS AND COMPELS YOUR MIND TO CLOSE DOWN BECAUSE TALKING MEANS GETTING A TALKING (LECTURE) TO.

10. You’ve got to understand how that makes me feel…TELLS AND COMPELS YOUR MIND TO BE UNSYMPATHETIC, CLOSED AND COLDLY LOGICAL.

YOUR MIND IS TOO PRECIOUS TO MISPLACE IN THE PSYCHOSPHERE

In short, obsessively criticizing yourself or permitting someone else to compulsively criticize you does no mind a favor. And your mind is too precious to misplace in the negative PSYCHOSPHERE!

ABOUT KEYNOTE SPEAKER, SEMINAR LEADER, RELATIONSHIP COUNSELOR AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady has a new personal growth and psychology book aimed at better communicating, Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone, available on his Web site or at Amazon for $39.95. O’Grady’s new communication system will show you how knowing your communicator type, and knowing the type of who you are trying to communicate with, will improve your chances that communication will be productive and positive for all parties.

The Dynamics of Boredom

The experience of boredom is more depressing than a black canvas of depression painted over with the blue colors of loneliness, loss, panic or longing for past pleasures. And more intensely, the experience of boredom gets wrapped tightly around your success axle and can gum up your progress toward where you want and need to go.

BORED STIFF

Being “bored and blue” is a very painful way NOT to “travel down the road less traveled,” as author M. Scott Peck goaded us on. Boredom makes the engine knock loudly, both in the blue cars that Empathizer-type communicators drive, and in the burnt orange talk cars that Instigator-type communicators drive.

DESTRUCTIVE BOREDOM

“Destructive boredom” is experienced differently by E-types and I-types in these two subtly different ways:

1. More sensitive Empathizers (E-types) are hurt more by EMOTIONAL BOREDOM…not feeling fully engaged in emotionally stimulating, interesting and satisfying life projects in work, personal growth and romantic relationships.

2. Less sensitive Instigators (I-types) are intimidated more by INTELLECTUAL BOREDOM… not feeling fully engaged in intellectually stimulating, interesting and satisfying life projects in love, personal growth and work.

BOREDOM DRAINS YOUR COMMUNICATOR CAR BATTERY

In short, feeling “bored and blue” is emotionally fatiguing for E-types and intellectually fatiguing for I-types. So much depends on your communicator type; including what works as a cure.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE BORED AND BLUE?

Typical symptoms that form an anger-depression cycle when your heart and head are bored stiff are:

  • You steadily feel down and blue…BUT justify “BUT IT’S NOT ALL THE TIME!”
  • You feel like a trapped cat…pacing…jumpy…unsettled, agitated
  • You feel irritated easily…have a short fuse…even strangers can get your goat
  • You snap…feel like a madman/madwoman…grumpy…ill-at-ease
  • You see R.E.D…you have Random Explosive Disorders where you pop off out of the blue
  • You can’t get no satisfaction…and sing the sob song…”Is this all there is?”
  • You feel anxious because of “I guess my life is over” negative thinking
  • You are set off by any idiot for hours instead of just minutes
  • You begin sounding like the criticizing dad/mom you vowed never to sound like
  • You feel like “Dear Abby Normal”
  • Ignored boredom drains your creative spirits and the physical health battery of your life.

BOREDOM AND YOUR COMMUNICATOR TYPE

Boredom is a form of depression that can deplete your spirits. Consider this metaphor: Six different plastic tubes are inserted into your torso. You see a blue or red color liquid draining out of you body and running down through the tubes…blue liquid if you’re an Empathizer and red liquid if you’re an Instigator communicator. You feel weaker and weaker as your “life energy” runs out of you. That’s boredom…it drains you a little at a time, vampire-style.

SOME TIPS TO DEAL PRODUCTIVELY WITH FEELING BORED AND BLUE

1. Be aware of feeling bored and blue. Example: Ask yourself, “Could I be feeling bored and blue and not in touch with this?”

2. Feel the drudgery of going through the “emotions of the motions.” Example: “I don’t respect myself for giving up at work instead of giving up on giving up!”

3. Play the WHAT IF game. Example: “WHAT IF I tried doing….how would that feel to me?”

4. Make a list of your negative thoughts and then turn them around. Example: “I have a short fuse” becomes “Wait a minute. I typically have a long fuse, so what’s bugging me so much?”

5. Be wary of distracting yourself with psychodrama. Example: Try to avoid moving away, spending money rashly, having an affair,  fighting with a sibling or co-worker, driving too fast, etc.

6. Hire a communications coach to vent. Example: Hire a change expert to talk to, someone who won’t think you’re nuts if you use your boredom to make new career plan…a new relationship plan…a new personal growth plan.

BORED AND BLUE

Sam Keen wrote about how feeling “bored and blue” is one of the trickiest emotions to handle intelligently and productively. And just when I thought I was getting a handle on feeling anxious and the anger-anxiety cycle!

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady observed how boredom affected the incarcerated forensic patients he treated as an individual and group psychological psychotherapist on a locked forensic unit in the 80’s for the State of Ohio. Even with the aid of psychotropic medications, varied activity therapies, library privileges, group therapy, visitations, informal discussion groups, etc….the mostly male residents paced like lions in a cage until the pain of boredom was unleashed. O’Grady is a keynote speaker and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” which is available on his site and at Amazon.

We’ve GOT To Talk

Have you ever turned to someone (or has anyone ever turned toward you) and said, “We’ve GOT to talk!”

Those words can strike fear into the heart and mind of your communications partner by making him/her feel that the only reason to talk is to correct something he/she has done wrong.

That’s why it’s wise to first check the depth of the communications swimming hole before diving in, metaphorically speaking. You don’t want to jump in too deep to a shallow place because you could bend your mind or break your neck. And if you get in over your head, you could drown. Testing the waters first make sure that it’s OK to dive right in.

WE’VE GOT AN OPPORTUNITY TO TALK HERE

“We’ve got to talk!” implies that something BIG is wrong and it’s the fault of the receiver of this message. When you want to use effective talking to resolve issues and problem-solve, better messages to send are:

1. We don’t have to talk.

2. I respect your independence and appreciate your willingness to talk productively.

3. I choose to talk in constructive ways that lighten the stress load of my and your day.

4. We’ve got an opportunity to talk openly here that I don’t want to miss out on.

5. I will listen open-mindedly to you.

6. I won’t allow my emotions to make a great commotion!

7. I will disagree respectfully, but not hold back my true opinion from you due to intimidation.

8. If I am an Empathizer-type communicator, I won’t back down when the heat is on.

9. If I am an Instigator-type communicator, I will back off whenever being wrong is the right course of action to achieve a win-win solution.

10. I won’t hit you over the head with my duffel bag of resentments when you’re acting dense.

11. I won’t stand for you painting me red with your unhelpful anger.

12. I strive to be a rich communicator instead of a poor communicator.

13. I am response-able instead of blinded by revenge due to an “eye for an eye” old testament thinking.

14. I won’t blame my mood totally on YOU!

15. I will let go of what isn’t working and try new ways of talking that might work better.

CAN WE TALK? I KNOW YOU STRIVE TO BE A RICH COMMUNICATOR INSTEAD OF A POOR COMMUNICATOR

Your mood is too often dictated by poor communication in your relationship when you are starving for a little positive attention and enjoyment. Why keep your communicator car stuck in “park” gear, loudly revving your engine unproductively.

MOODY NEGATIVE THINKING VS. POSITIVE TALKING

Talking positively encourages a positive mood and opens up new avenues for change! I devote Chapter 5 in my third book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” to the importance of sending positive e-mails, leaving positive voice mails and sharing accolades and good feelings with ALL travelers on your talk road. I realize that talking positively is often perceived as a “weakness” or a “cover up” for an ulterior agenda, such as getting on your good side or selling you something that you don’t want.

TESTING THE TALK WATERS

Sharing feelings, positive or negative, isn’t worth it if it hurts a valuable relationship or a person you value. By using a single communication tool, you too can test the talk waters as to the appropriateness of the talk: “IF I told you (fill in the blank)…would you be mad?” For example, “IF I told you that your smile makes my day … would you be mad?” That question makes the point that you don’t want to violate boundaries, but you don’t want to be intimidated by speaking in upbeat ways, either.

ENJOYING PEOPLE

Now take this wrong: Truly enjoying another person as you go about your day isn’t unusual…BUT telling the person openly and honestly (without strings attached) what you DO enjoy about him or her is still pretty atypical and off-limits. That’s because it might be misperceived as a “come-on.” The reason most often cited for keeping someone at arm’s length or acting stand-offish: “What trick have you got up your sleeve in this human-eat-human world that you are trying to take from me?” In my communicator world, when anyone arouses a good (pleasant) feeling in you, bully for you both!

Is there something wrong with feeling good in relation to another person…or are we just supposed to be human robots who are unfeeling automatons?

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT, PROFESSIONAL KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady likes to think of himself as the AAA tow-truck driver, the guy who arrives on the scene just in time to help everyone on the Communications Highway make the necessary repairs – sometimes small, sometimes huge – that get everyone going again. He’s author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone.” His company, New Insights Communication, is located in the cradle of inventiveness…Dayton, Ohio, USA.

Are Your Emotions In The Driver’s Seat?

Does your romantic partner get that glassy-eyed and not listen to a dad-blasted thing you’re saying? Or does a disagreement cause you to slide down to the bottom rung on the ladder of loving relationships? And are you just plain mystified how a conversation can get so far off track SO fast?

Let me guess: When there’s a communication breakdown, you and your partner often take the junk out of your trunk to throw at each other, right? Then your emotions zoom too fast around the relationship track, causing your sleek bright blue and burnt orange communicator cars to collide. Feelings communicate…what?

WHAT DO YOUR FEELINGS COMMUNICATE POSITIVELY?

There are four modes of communication. The Emotions mode (E) is the favorite driving lane of Empathizer or E-type communicators. What E-types know for sure about the positive side of feelings:

1. Feelings communicate (help heal)

2. Feelings suggest urgency (prompt needed action)

3. Feelings give color to experience (empathy)

4. Feelings are constructive (make good things happen)

5. Feelings are welcome (serve as a bright welcome mat to visitors coming to your door)

6. Feelings communicated openly lead the way to closeness (peace of mind and effectiveness)

WHO OR WHAT IS DRIVING YOUR COMMUNICATOR CAR?

Much of adult life still runs from the Emotions (E) mode, and that includes actions DRIVEN by fear, guilt, hurt, shame, danger, anger, and “knee-jerk-me-jerk” reactionary miscommunication. Worry, jealousy, impatience, embarrassment and anxiety make you drive in a fog…drive blind while moving too fast when you ought to slow down on the two-way communicator highway.

WHAT DO FEELINGS OF SHAME MISCOMMUNICATE?

BUT not every story about emotions is pleasant and sparkling. There is a dark, negative, flip-side, to every emotion you will encounter. Harsh fact: you can be paranoid of emotions because emotions have been used to club you into submission. What Instigator-type communicators, or I-types, know for sure about emotions–and why they don’t want emotions to run away with their minds:

1. Feelings miscommunicate (lead to hurt)

2. Feelings suggest emergency (stall out needed action and cause spinning of relationship wheels)

3. Feelings make you bleed the color of red (shame-based emotions)

4. Feelings are destructive (make bad things happen)

5. Feelings are terrifying (serve as red flags)

6. Feelings miscommunicated in closed ways lead the way to distancing (anxiety and ineffectiveness)

Do you live in this negative viewpoint of the dark-side of emotions? Is fear or hate the most negative emotion of all…or is the numbness that comes from a rejection of genuine emotions?

IF YOU’VE GOT A BIG, EMPTY SPOT

Miscommunication predictably lead people to erect walls, heartache, anger, and unproductive fights or to hide away in a broom closet hugging up to brooms. Missed communication opportunities lead to feeling like you’ve got a big, empty spot in your gut. Then defensiveness and stubbornness set in, as you and I feel and give less, as in: “I’m not going to let you get to me. Ya’ can’t take nothin’ from a hollow log.”

PUSHED OUT OF THE TRIBE…TALK TO ME

Used as a visual metaphor, miscommunication is like being thrown out of the tribe in the wilderness when no one else is looking. Alone, you have little chance of surviving in the wilderness. The “Talk to Me” communication system will help you thrive in the wilderness and start a new tribe! It will rapidly teach you how to communicate powerful feelings less hurtfully and more helpfully!

KNOWING THE FOUR TALK MODES SINCE YOU ARE IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT OF YOUR LIFE

What’s up to you? Knowing the four modes of Emotions, Beliefs, Behaviors, and Talks…and how they work in the world of talk. Not knowing the four talk modes is akin to driving a car without the modes of park, drive, reverse gear and lo/high gear. So memorize (in order) the four modes of communication and use them to the advantage of all today.

UNDERSTANDING VS. RESENTING

Do you create understanding vs. resenting by living this positive viewpoint of emotions? Most of us normal folk can’t seen to do it for long. Love is the most positive emotion of all…the compassion and wisdom to accept others as they really are. Not an easy journey, Frodo. So learn how to use the four modes of communication to your advantage today!

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS TRAINER AND RELATIONSHIP COACH DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a meeting and organizational keynote speaker and professional psychologist from Dayton, Ohio. He is a husband and father to three daughters (two are teenagers), and the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady provides positive and effective workplace communications on a wide-variety of topics, including: “You’ve Got Nothing To Worry About.”

The Junk In The Trunk

The junk in the trunk are all those resentments you keep locked inside your communicator car, the heavy weights that drag your love down and make you frown. When you can’t communicate or “agree to agree” on what a problem might be, you can’t solve problems that cause distance in your marriage or business relationships. Thus, stowed resentments make you stew and slowly create distance. In the end, you can lose your profit margins of love.

SCARED OF FIGHTS

Most unfair fights are the result of not understanding that your partner has your opposite communicator style. (No, it’s not just a “his vs. her fault” gender thing!) When opposite types fight, you end up spinning your wheels (ziiiiiiiinnnnng!) going nowhere as you talk about how one of you is not enough of this or that…and the other one of you is not enough of that or this. Get this: Talking about talking isn’t effective talking! If you’re scared of fights, if you fight unfairly or if the two of you fight too often, you won’t dialogue. Instead, you’ll monologue. And the monologue will consist of shredding your partner’s self-esteem and nit-picking him/her to death.

SHE SAYS, HE SAYS: “HEY, I TOLD YOU BEFORE IT WASN’T MY FAULT!”

Dialogue leads to brainstorming, which solves problems and creates hopefulness instead of helplessness. When you can’t correctly identify WHAT (vs. WHO) the problem actually is, you will go ’round and ’round, getting nowhere. To show you what I mean, here’s a transcript of a couple involved in poor communication:

She: You don’t view my feelings as legitimate.

He: You should just think of something else!

She: You let everything slide off your back.

He: You’re too uptight because it’s smarter not to worry about it!

She: But IF I don’t get it off my chest, I have a meltdown.

He: But WHEN your stuff comes flying right at me out of the blue, I climb the wall!

She: There you go again. You make things too complex.

He: There you go again. You don’t keep things simple enough!

She: You treat me like a child and I RESENT that.

He: You act like a baby when you don’t get your way and I RESENT THAT!

She: We’ve got some major issues.

He: I don’t have issues, you have issues. AND there you go again making a mountain out of a mole hill!

She: You don’t care what is bothering me.

He: That really bothers you? What else is bothering you so much?!

She: You make me feel stupid.

He: Hey, if the shoe fits BUT you make me think I’m a hick who’s missed the communication boat.

She: This is really a big problem.

He: It’s never as big a problem as you think it is!

She: You’re no help.

He: So what would you like me to do about it?!

She: You’re not taking this discussion seriously with all of your sarcastic comments.

He: You don’t have to throw sticks and stones when you know you’re in the wrong, you know!

She: Why do you always blow me off?

He: Back at ya’ twice as much, babe!

She: That’s just like YOU…You’re always SO unemotional.

He: Well, you’re always SO dramatic.

She: Fine!

He: Fine!

The couple above demonstrates that each partner thinks the opposite partner is the problem, when in fact the real problem is the closed communication loop that creates and feeds circular arguments that lead nowhere.

WE’RE HAVING A COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN?

Do you have a communication breakdown with your talk partner? Are you experiencing a “failure to communicate” and just spinning your wheels while smoke is coming out of your ears? Talking in circles of blame simply doesn’t work! In fact, these types of “circular talk” patterns can end in a relationship disaster, as each partner begins to feel less and less confident about the integrity of their communication prowess and proficiency.

EFFECTIVE DISAGREEMENT

The above “monologue” isn’t a dialogue or an “effective disagreement” or “brainstorming new solutions to old problems.” It’s simply venting and making glib comments about the other partner’s communication style. Namely, that your style isn’t my style and that’s the reason we can’t communicate. So who’s fault is it? Nobody is the fault…but somebody has got to get the straight scoop and read the map correctly to go in a new direction.

WHY DON’T YOU ADDRESS THE COMMUNICATION PROBLEM?

The couple in the “pretend” scenario above never get around to “agreeing to agree and to disagree” on several extremely important things:

1. Is there a problem, or isn’t there a problem?

2. What are our two differing viewpoints of what constitutes the problem?

3. Is this a small problem or a big problem?

4. Is this problem worth our time to solve?

5. What “compromise” would best solve the problem in a win-win fashion?

6. If I accept my partners’ viewpoint, while still respectfully disagreeing, what creative solution in the triangle of talk would present itself?

7. Are we scared of fighting about the problem? Why?

8. Do we know how to “fight fair” and “disagree productively” about what is/isn’t a problem?

SPINNING YOUR WHEELS OR BE IN YOUR OWN LIFE?

If you can’t decide on what the problem is and isn’t, and which problem is a big enough one to tackle, then you will never find a compromise to solve the problem. And the results of sweeping problems under the carpet, of ignoring the elephant in the room? An elephant stampede that squashes your love flat as a pancake.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS TRAINER AND CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a relationship psychologist, strategic and effective communication keynote speaker, and executive leadership coach who is the author of, “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” Dennis gets the picture of fear of talking vs. unfair fights…both of which lead to a town called Nowhere Fun. “Talking mean” and “blame games” and “circular talks” and “talking about talking” are all customary forms of missed communication opportunities that are very frustrating and preventable with practice. Do you have “junk in your trunk?” Then take all of your resentment baggage out of your communicator car trunk (including the elephant that no one is talking about) and lay it out on the driveway. Then decide what you want to donate and let go of or keep. Why be so afraid of ending up in a division or loss of your partner that you don’t ever dare to begin to really begin talking?