Just Say No To The Boss?

I was recently told by a sincere Instigator-type (I-type) communicator, “Dennis, you’re an idiot! Have you lost your mind? That sensitive article you wrote called, “What To Do When Your Plate Is Too Full” was really funny…and yes, I’m being totally sarcastic! Just say “no” to your I-type boss? Oh yeah, fat chance…that’s a surefire way to get promoted fast. I’m a supervisor and do you realize how unrealistic that sounds? You’re making me laugh and I’m splitting a gut. You’re out of your skull.”

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Positive Instigator communicators love to win and hate to lose. One thing I love about Instigator communicators…you don’t have to guess where they stand or what they’re thinking because they WILL tell you! This strong-willed and “Talk to Me” trained Instigator communicator can and does anything to cooperate and succeed as a manager. I thought she ought to have a chance to share with all of us what I-types REALLY think about all this emotional talk stuff. So I interviewed “Sally” and recorded her uncensored thoughts and responses next.

WHAT I-TYPE (INSTIGATOR) BOSSES MIGHT HEAR AND SAY WHEN AN E-TYPE (EMPATHIZER) EMPLOYEE SAYS “NO CAN DO”

Below are the 7 assertive sentences I recommend that sensitive E-type communicators say to a tough-minded I-type boss when “no” is the right answer. Now for the twist: below is the “inner talk” of Sally, the hard-driving and honestly genuine I-type boss I interviewed to glean her “reactions” to these “assertive statements.”

1. I’LL HAVE TO PULL OFF OTHER PROJECTS TO GET THIS DONE.

What I-type boss hears: Um…here comes the whining again. Too bad for you! O.K. so we’re not all busy? Geez, wouldn’t I love to pull off some projects but I seem to be able to get them all done. We never run short of excuses, do we?

E-type Assertive Comeback: “I’ll have to pull off other projects to get this done.”

I-type boss says: Well, would you like me to help you prioritize?

2. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME TO DO THIS IF OTHER THINGS FALL BEHIND?

What I-type boss hears: If I didn’t want you to do this, I wouldn’t have asked you. You are beginning to frustrate me. O.K. Look, I didn’t ask you to do very much…so what are you complaining about? I’m pretty hands-off and I divide jobs up fairly. Adults need to just do the job. Mature people get things done. Are you one of them?

E-Type Assertive Comeback: “Are you sure you want me to do this if other things fall behind?”

I-type boss says: Yes.

3. I THINK THAT’S TOO MUCH TO ASK OF ONE PERSON.

What I-type boss hears: You have a lack of dedication to your job. There’s a lack here of being a team player. Is this too much to ask you to do once in a while? Do we need to talk about this more? Aren’t you up to the job? No matter how much I have put on me, I get it all done. Sure, there’s some emotional cost to me but I get the job done.

E-Type Assertive Comeback: “I think that’s too much to ask of one person.”

I-type boss says: Well, we can certainly talk about that some more BUT we have a limited number of people and X amount of jobs to get done and we’re going to have to figure this out real soon.

4. I’M FEELING LIKE I’M OUT HERE ALONE.

What I-type boss hears: You probably are. If you can’t look around and see everyone else is doing as much or more than you are doing, then maybe you need to look at that. You always have to do more than you want to do due to limited manpower. What else is new?

E-Type Assertive Comeback: “I’m feeling like I’m out here alone.”

I-type boss says: Well, I’m sorry you feel that way. That’s not a huge problem. Let’s talk about that some more and see if there’s another way we can divide up the jobs.

5. O.K. BUT I NEED TO TELL YOU WHAT I NEED AND EXPECT FROM YOU IN RETURN TO GET THIS JOB DONE.

What I-type boss hears: O.K. so you’re going to waste my time with that feeling crap!

E-Type Assertive Comeback: “O.K. BUT I need to tell you what I need and expect from you in return to get this job done.”

I-type boss says: O.K., we’re going to have to talk about that, too. Well, what do you need from me? If I can do it, fine. If I can’t, tough luck cuz it won’t be possible. I’m always willing to listen to my people even though I don’t always agree with them. However, a decision needs to be made by me and we move forward. I don’t like re-visiting everything. It just wastes time and we already have limited time and staff. How many times are we going to have to discuss this very same exact thing?

6. I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO DO IT ALL.

What I-type boss hears: Nor should I but I do. If you want to go backwards and re-hash this thing again…it’s not a big deal!

E-Type Assertive Comeback: “I shouldn’t have to do it all.”

I-type boss says: Well, I wasn’t aware you were doing it all. If that’s a concern, we need to talk to everyone in the group and make some other arrangements.

7. THIS MAY BE ROUGH AND THERE WILL BE MISTAKES.

What I-type boss hears: WEAK. Weak argument…weak person…don’t tell me something you turn in will be “rough.” Make it look and be nice…it should be polished and professional.

E-Type Assertive Comeback: “This may be rough and there will be mistakes.”

I-type boss says: Please try not to have it be rough. You know how concerned I am about how things look when they leave our office.

ARE YOU NUTS?

Now, am I nuts like Sally said? Yeah, I suppose, BUT I don’t mind losing my mind once in awhile. I know communication breakdowns are the norm nowadays. BUT to tell you the truth…open two-way talk with a beloved I-type communicator is all-ways mind-bending and heart-opening, if you ask me. Do you avoid saying what you really think for fear of conflict?

ARE YOU A CRAPPY COMMUNICATOR?

Each week I work with Instigator and Empathizer Communicator managers and supervisors who want to focus on getting their teams paddling in the same direction. Why bother? Being a “crappy communicator” undermines your problem-solving abilities and skills — and may alienate your more “sensitive workhorses” who need to feel backed, instead of backed up against a wall.

DO YOU WORRY ABOUT HURTING OTHERS’ FEELINGS?

E-types so worry about hurting others’ feelings that they will tell while lies to avoid appearing disagreeable, cold or unfriendly. I-types think that dwelling in bad feelings or frustrations isn’t ever helpful, when it can be. Thus, E-types who feel resentful when used or ignored shouldn’t over-indulge in negative feelings. The point is to get to know how your opposite communicator type REALLY thinks and feels behind the social masks. Understanding one another trims the stress down to size.

WHAT’S THE POINT?

Remember my dear I-types: E-types are workhorses when they feel heard. And remember my stressed out E-types: I-types will negotiate just about anything with you when you speak up to get a job done well.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady points out that there’s a BIG difference between saying “no” and being a negative person, because they’re two very different things. Saying “no” doesn’t mean you’re negative or uncooperative; it just means you’re honest to yourself about what you can – and cannot – handle and perform with confidence and competence. O’Grady’s a professional keynote speaker and psychologist who is the founder of New Insights Communication and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.”

Pump Up Your Mood When You’re Feeling Down

I recently spoke at a workshop for a medical group of managers who are members of the “energy-building camaraderie” organization called the Miami Valley Medical Group Management Association. The meeting was held at the NCR Country Club and my keynote speech was on the topic of “Depression in the Workplace.” Essentially, I covered ways to pump up the flat tire of a bad mood…AND how to do all those “little” things that net a huge reward called a better mood.

UNCOMMON WISDOM AND COMMON SENSE

There is uncommon wisdom in every group I have the honor to work with, real people like you and me who make a living in “the real business world” of promoting good mental and physical health without making the patient feel bad in the process. To avoid burning out, caregivers must first care for self…especially when energy for good deeds burns low. Effective communication with self is a prerequisite to good communication with others. What role model do you offer to others when you take your own gold (good) advice and do a little something to make your day a little bit more positive?

  • You’re only human
  • Your energy is finite
  • Putting “energy in” into self will work wonders when you feel down
  • You can do small good deeds for yourself even when you don’t feel up to it
  • Getting mad at yourself or blaming others keeps you down in the pits
  • Losing hope at times happens to the best of us
  • Mourning your losses helps you to climb out of a hole of depression you might have dug for yourself

Let’s keep it simple! Great things come to those who don’t wait to change what they need to change in order to feel better — namely a bad attitude that sucks pears. Love of self is a prerequisite to loving and caring for your neighbor.

YOU TOO CAN PUMP UP YOUR MOOD

The MVAGMA tear- and laughter-filled workshop included guffaws, doing the wave, applause, finger-snapping and toe tapping and the sending out of “positive finger vibrations” to our fellow caregivers. At the end, I asked this simple, single question to attendees: “What can you say or do to pump up your mood when you’re feeling down?” Here are the private written comments that comprise the MVAGMA group wisdom:

Remember, you DO really make a difference.

Spend the same amount of energy being positive.

I’m happy to get out of bed…consider the alternative.

Whooo…I’ll start my own personal “wave” for one.

I am a great person!

You are important.

I am a good person and people depend on me.

Take your blinders off–don’t just look at the dirty road ahead, look at the beauty all around you.

God will not give me more than I can handle.

Get over it. You are using up too much energy on the negative…shift all that energy to the positive. Even the smallest positive task will do.

Let’s get something healthy to eat, get a bath and use that new body scrub and lotion, and then let’s get a great night’s sleep.

I can look up at the sky and dream, because the sky is the limit.

God help me deal with this problem today.

Stop it and get the job done.

You are a kind, loving person who deserves to be loved in return.

Put on your big-girl panties…and deal with it!

You are valued! And you have made a difference in many people’s lives.

There are too many positive things in my life to be down, and too many things to focus on.

I love you!

I’m doing the best I can for me and others.

Shake it off!

You bring value to others — deal with your issues and go on!

I can positively impact others. I bring value to the relationships in my life.

It could always be worse.

I am so lucky to have the life I have, the family I have, the job and co-workers I have. I’m a real lucky girl!

You are a good person — look at all the good in your life.

I have positively made it through obstacles before — and I will make it through this.

God doesn’t make junk!

Stop feeling down and pick yourself up by figuring out how to help yourself.

This too shall pass — I am smart (good) and I can get out of this — tomorrow is another day.

GET YOUR HAPPY BACK

Doing “little” nice things for yourself when you feel down is the best way to pump up your mood in big ways “little by little.” Be “The Little Engine That Could” and keep moving forward, even when you don’t have the energy to. Be determined to get your happy back…and really, REALLY be nice to yourself when you are feeling down and blue.

If you aren’t of a mind to be kind and loving to yourself in little ways…then who else can you count on to do what you aren’t willing to? And if people do give you positive vibes, will you be able to accept it?

YOU ARE A MIRACLE WORKER, WHETHER YOU’RE AN EMPATHIZER OR INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATOR

If you are “too sensitive,” you can do tiny positive things for yourself to pick up your spirits. Empathizer communicators who put energy into the self instead of having the life sucked out of them through a big straw “get over it” faster. In contrast, if you are “too insensitive,” you can SAY positive things to others (and self) that will put energy into the very relationships that support you when you’re feeling bad. Talking positively and accurately to yourself (and others) really does work wonders if you want to feel like a victor instead of a victim. Just you try it and see!

THE ONLY FAILURE, IS FAILING TO GET UP AGAIN AFTER YOU’VE BEEN KNOCKED DOWN OR FEEL DRAINED

Still feeling down and blue? Then try this on for size the next time you feel like a big straw is stuck in YOUR skull and the energy being sucked right out of you:

“Even when I try, but fail

And I lose hope

I will find a way to get back up again…somehow

With the grace of my friends and my Maker.

After all, you aren’t a bad person when you feel bad! You can get things done when you feel blue to feel better.

KEYNOTE SPEECHES BY DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone
The Psychology of Good Communication
Taking the Fear Out of Change
What Type Of Leader Are You?
Who Is Paddling Your Canoe?
What Type Of Communicator Are You?
Balancing Your Home & Work Life
Beliefs That ZAP Teamwork
Using Anger Assertively
Overcoming Self-Criticism
Pleasing Yourself, For a Change
Coaching For Accountability
Maximizing Your Communication Skills
Managing Emotional Energy at Work
Overcoming Procrastination
Controlling Negative Emotions
Controlling Perfectionism
Controlling Anxiety
Depression At Work & Home
Conquering The Fear Of Failure
Reducing The Fear Of Success
Stress Management
Using Feedback Effectively
Conflict Management
Positive Customer Relations
Handling Customer Complaints
How to Hire the Right People
Managing Everyday Fears
Games People Play
Self-Rejection
Revenge Boomerangs
Fear Of Change
Life Is Meant To Be Good
The Future Is What We Make Of It (Quality Management)
No Hard Feelings — How To Manage Unhelpful Anger

MORE ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a keynote speaker on the topic of effective communication, change and stress management and mastering your own moods. Dennis is a Dayton, Ohio, workshop consultant, father of three, management trainer and author of the new book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone.”

I Beat Myself Up All The Time

Do you beat up on yourself? That’s not fair! Unrestricted self-blame results in a state of mind where we falsely believe our worst negative thoughts about ourselves are true. Excessive self-criticism is damaging to your self-esteem and confidence. You can prevent damaging self-criticism by spending less time on your “pity throne”…and alloting more time in positive inner-personal communication.

NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS TO YOU?

Shredding your self-esteem for any reason just brings you down. The outcome is always the same — we stop acting assertively in our best interests because “nothing good or worthwhile will happen anyway.” How can you free yourself from unhelpful criticism that shreds your self-esteem?

1. Say every criticism out loud to yourself. Many self-criticisms are sneaky and sub-vocal. We don’t even realize the crazy things we are saying to ourselves because listening to our inner voices is considered a little wacky. When you are feeling depressed or edgy, listen carefully inside your skull and put words to what you are feeling. The first step of conquering an enemy is to catch the culprit red-handed.

2. Fight the self-criticisms. Give persuasive arguments about why the self-criticism is a bunch of hogwash. After all, you’re being criticized up and down, so why not get a few good shots in yourself? If you hear, “Who do you think you are?” respond with such things as, “Other people I know have done it and lived to tell about it, so get off my back.”

3. Get realistic. You have created your priorities. If you find yourself entertaining put-downs about a lack — lack of exercise, lack of eating control or religious observance — remind yourself of what you are doing to reach your goal. Many self-criticizers never think their efforts are enough unless they result in perfect outcomes.

4. Listen to criticisms directed at you defenselessly. Granted this technique is easier said than done, but it is worth the effort when faced with an angry, blameful mate. Whenever your mate begins a sentence with the word, “You,” change it in your mind to the word “I.” Many criticisms of others are just projections of our own inadequacies. Hearing your mate say, “You never listen to me,” is changed quite a bit by hearing it as, “I never listen to you” (either).

5. Take the time to think before you speak when you are emotionally upset. Adult children of self-criticizers can repeat word-for-word the worst things their parents have said about them, and even state the date and time those put-downs were issued. Is it really worth it to say some things in the heat of the moment that will affect your children for years? A tight-lipped, “You’re lazy, Suzy,” can have reverberations many years into the future. As well, too many wo/men who seek counseling can repeat every criticism their mate ever said about them while they were pretending not to listen.

6. Throw a pity-party for yourself. Really exaggerate your self-criticisms when you are feeling low. Add fuel to fire by making outlandish lies about yourself to the point of laughing at the seriousness of it all. All of us take life too seriously sometimes. Accusing yourself of far-fetched things might help you feel in control of the criticism habit.

7. Contrast every self-criticism with an equally balanced self-proclamation. Self- affirmation goes a long way in balancing the scales of fairness. If you have a heyday with yourself getting your own goat, try countering every negative thought with a positive one. Rest-assured, more negative thoughts will result, but you will know better who the enemy happens to be. Put the creep on alert they you won’t take it anymore.

8. Say, “That’s enough . . . I really feel hurt,” when your partner has gone too far and trespassed into your private zone. Criticism isn’t as easy to take as it is to dish out. Our partners can usually hit us where it hurts most. By yelling foul to low blows, caring partners will usually stand back and take account of their actions.

9. Handle a snake in the grass as if it’s poisonous. Self-criticizers are notorious for accepting any negative jabs directed their way. It is OK to say “No” to intense criticisms that are meant to puncture our egos and poison our wills. If necessary, fight back and offer counter-statements about what you have done for the person who is criticizing you. “Just list the facts…Ma’am,” as the old Dragnet saying goes. Don’t be shy about telling what good things you have brought to the relationship.

10. Take time to lick your wounds and collect your self-esteem. Go ahead and put your mental energy elsewhere — jogging, aerobics, reading, music, meditation or prayer. You may not have full concentration to devote to the task, but it will help you work off a little of the negatives that are pulling you down.

So, do you know hear what I’m saying? Do you know what I mean? Are you ready for a steady flow of self-confidence? Self-criticism IS the number one change resistance of all time that bursts your confidence bubble.

ARE YOU THE LEADER OF YOUR OWN LIFE…OR SITTING ON THE PITY THRONE WASTING TIME?

Remember, you’re not alone on the self-criticism treadmill. It effects the most conscientious of people. But blowing your circuits with a lot of self-derisive noise just makes the computer screen go blank and your will get sapped of self-directed energy.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional development training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is a leadership training and relationship enhancement workbook you can order in the resource store at his Web site www.drogrady.com. In this inspiring new communication program, you will learn about two new communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators. E-types are prone to worrying too much while I-types are prone to putting their worries on the shelf. You can “find out your type” and receive your comprehensive communicator style report by clicking on “What’s Your Communicator Type.” O’Grady is a licensed clinical psychologist who is the author of “Taking the Fear out of Changing,” “No Hard Feelings” and “Talk to Me.” The mission of Dr. O’Grady’s Web site is to give tons of effective talk tools to manage high self-esteem and to talk positively to yourself and everyone.

I’m Mad At Myself

Within each of us lives a fork-tongued, smooth-talking salesman. He lurks behind your every thought, just waiting to latch upon a loose mental thread of supposed weakened character, so he can unravel your self-esteem. What he is promising to sell you is a better character, something any self-respecting person can’t afford to live without (or so we are told). What he is really selling you is that you’re no good the way you are.

This honey-lipped inner-enemy feeds on fear, insecurity and false hope. It tells YOU to steer clear of trying new things because you will screw them up. It reminds you of your second-class status in life.

ARE YOU STUCK, GOING NOWHERE FULL TILT?

This authority-sounding demon-voice chokes your growth impulse by hypnotizing you into focusing only on your weaknesses. It fools you into forgetting about your strengths. This little voice is barely audible, but it drones on non-stop about one kind of dread or another. “Trust me,” this salesman coos beguilingly, “for I’m only trying to help you.” He helps you all right — to stay stuck, going nowhere full tilt most of your life.

SELF-CRITICISM IS THE #1 CHANGE RESISTANCE IN YOUR LIFE

Self-criticism is the real name of the salesman, the enemy who lives within each of us. Self-criticism unmotivates us by discouraging any new actions that may give a healthy refill to our low self-esteem. Plus, it keeps us doing the very same things we despise having done in the first place.

We mortals seem to think we have to take a hefty dose of criticism every day. Our reasoning runs like this: “How can I become better person with a stronger character if I don’t take a critical look at myself now and again?” But negative self-analysis most always backfires by focusing the limelight on what we don’t do well and pushing into the shadows what we are capable of doing better.

Intimidators are those who are “looking out for number one,” sly charismatic people who are the users in the world but feel guiltless. They alone are the weak people who could benefit from walloping self-criticism. Not you, and not me. But it never crosses guilt trippers minds that they might be in the wrong or that they have a character flaw that needs correcting. Instrusive users who should criticize themselves don’t, and those of us who should eat lightly gorge ourselves on the manure sandwich of rejection.

THE MANURE SANDWICH

Many of us are criticism-bingers. When we make a mistake or suffer a setback we put our self-esteem up against the wall, blindfold the spunky child-self who says we’re great and let the inner enemy take aim and fire away.

Sooner or later all good people get sick and fed up from stuffing themselves with all sorts of put-downs. When we are bloated and ready to burst at our seams, we dump the whole mess on some passerby, usually, someone we love. Verbal self-abusers turn the same criticisms used on their own psyche to other people.

Many people use self-criticism as a defensive shield against hearing others. They beat you to the knockout punch by quickly spilling out the guts of failures, in effect saying, “Heh, lay off buddy, I’ve already said “Gotcha’ to myself.” But trying to admit all our faults before someone else has a chance to point them out only keeps us distant in relationships and traps us with no way out.

NEGATALKERS

What are some of the common messages that keep us indecisive and unmotivated?

  • “You shouldn’t FEEL that way!” Nothing makes us lose contact with life’s excitement faster than being told our feelings are wrong. Feelings are invisible emotions that ebb and flow and need to be accepted. Give yourself a little empathy and understanding, and ask for the same from others.
  • “You’re not GOOD enough!” Maybe you could have done more or done it better, but you did what you could at the time. Nothing is wrong with a healthy self-reminder that you may not be spending your time or talents most productively and that some corrections are in order. But poking viciously at yourself rarely helps if it makes you so tired that you lay down and quit. What he is really selling us it that we’re no good the way we are.

Self-criticism unmotivates you by discouraging any new actions that may give a healthy refill to your low self-esteem. Plus, it keeps you doing the very same things you despise having done in the first place. Is there no expiration date on inner criticism or victim talk? Yes, you’re up for making change happen fast and last.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a keynote speaker, clinical psychologist and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone.”

The Winner’s Credo

The surest route to happiness is to grow, change and take response-ability for creating the life of a “winner.” What type of positive, “can-do” and change-producing attitudes does a winner use?

Winners say, “Yes,” while Losers say, “Yes, but.”
Winners reveal love, while Losers conceal love.
Winners say, “I did,” while Losers say, “I didn’t.”
Winners appreciate, while Losers denigrate.
Winners say, “Now,” while Losers say, “Later.”
Winners persist, while Losers quit.
Winners say, “I love you,” while Losers say, “You must love me.”
Winners give things away, while Losers hoard everything.
Winners say, “I’m sorry,” while Losers say, “You should be ashamed.”
Winners accept others, while Losers judge others.
Winners say, “I’ll do my share,” while Losers say, “Do something for me.”
Winners dare to be out front, while Losers lag behind.
Winners say, “I’m responsible,” while Losers say, “It’s not my fault.”
Winners make something work, while Losers tell you why it won’t work.
Winners say, “I’ll try,” while Losers say, “They won’t let me.”
Winners say, “I owe you,” while Losers say, “You owe me.”
Winners listen to fair criticisms, while Losers block them out.
Winners laugh at themselves, while Losers laugh behind backs.
Winners say, “I can,” while Losers say, “I can’t.”
Winners protect nature, while Losers destroy nature.
Winners say, “Maybe,” while Losers say, “No way.”
Winners have a few close friends, while Losers make a million acquaintances.
Winners say, “Thank you,” while Losers say, “You should be more thankful.”
Winners are open, while Losers put up walls.
Winners say, “I should,” while Losers say, “You should.”
Winners reciprocate, while Losers intimidate.
Winners say, “I like myself,” while Losers say, “You should like me.”
Winners pray thankfully, while Losers pray regretfully–if at all.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a professional keynote speaker and the author of a proven new communications system found in his latest book TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.  He specializes in teaching “positive and effective communication strategies to be the leader of your own life.”