All posts by : Dr. Dennis O'Grady

Has a negative talker smilingly ripped you a new one and then said, apologetically, “I’m sorry, but I just had to be honest with you…I didn’t mean anything by it!” NOT! The speaker is lying like a lumpy rug with a rabid dog hiding underneath it. An insincere apology implies that you should forgive the insults and assaults because the deliverer of the assaults meant well, had no other choice or felt compelled to “tell it like it is.” An apologist can bring you down, and the act of apologizing, thus, can be a manipulative mind game … one that “writes junk in your mind” to make you follow someone else’s rules of “what is right in all of life” for you to do or be.

APOLOGIZING AND YOUR COMMUNICATOR TYPE

Empathizer-type communicators (E-types) pick up negative feelings from others as if by radar. E-types feel guilty saying: “I frankly don’t care what you think…and whether or not you are really trying hard to help me counts for naught…you went too far this time pushing me away…and I don’t care what you think because you’re talking trash. And talk trash like this, I take to the curb! If you continue hammering me to think like you do or do what you want me to do, we’re going to have a huge problem on our hands.” In short, E-types say “I’m sorry…” as a habitual way of avoiding conflict.

SHARP WORDS STICK IN MENTAL FLESH LIKE HARPOONS

Instigator-type communicators (I-types) bleed when sharp words stick in their mental flesh like harpoons, but I-types (as a group) are quicker to dispute and then dismiss a thought or point of view that runs contrary to their own. I-types are experts at putting “mind over emotional matters.” In short, I-types say “I’m sorry about that…” to calm turbulent relationship waters. I-types apologize to get on down the road to accomplish a mission that is being held up by personal-relationship emotions.

TALK ABOUT BEING IN A BAD MOOD

Your mood can go up and down like a roller coaster, and it can dictate how you talk to others…how open or closed your mind is to new ideas and solutions, and how flowing or blocked your emotional energy and “pep” is…if you allow it to be. When you’re in a bad mood, you may feel justified in “letting off steam” or “venting” in order to feel better…or you may “stuff your feelings” and be “too hard on yourself.” Then you apologize to make it all better, but the person you yelled at may feel worried about your bad mood…upset and unable to talk to you. Acting controlling and then apologizing for your controlling behavior can become a bad habit, and it can set up a cycle of negative talk.

I DON’T ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY

You don’t have to forgive someone for the wrong done to you. You don’t have to go along with the thinking that says, “I’m sorry I messed up, but you know I’m going to nail you to the wall with hurtful words again…I promise to be better for awhile.” So what’s a sincere apology? A genuine apology is when someone permanently, freely and willingly changes his/her behavior, or what he/she did to hurt you, to improve the mood of the relationship. Sometimes, saying “I’m sorry about that…really I am!” isn’t enough. The relationship bridge has been blown up and relationship trust damaged beyond repair.

I SAID I WAS SORRY!

What people might really say about a “relationship anxiety or anger attack” if they really felt free to:

1. Apologist: I’m sorry I had to be the one to tell you this. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry I had to listen to it.

2. Apologist: I’m sorry I took it out on you. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry you took your bad mood out me, too.

3. Apologist: I’m sorry for getting so mad. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry I won’t be able to accept your apology.

4. Apologist: I’m sorry for fighting with you. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry we’re so expert at putting each other down.

5. Apologist: I’m sorry I didn’t do what I promised to do. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry that I keep believing your word is any good.

6. Apologist: I’m sorry that I feel so depressed and that I’m such a downer for you. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry you don’t feel happy, and don’t show me how happy you are to be with me.

7. Apologist: I’m sorry I called you “stupid” and blamed you for everything. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry too, because you must think I’m “stupid” for being with you and agreeing to put up with this kind of treatment.

8. Apologist: I’m sorry I said you would never amount to anything. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry whenever I believe your smelly trash talk.

9. Apologist: I’m sorry that I’m like a leopard who can’t change his spots. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry that you think I care so much or am so wrapped up in whether you choose to change or not.

10. Apologist: I’m sorry I went nuts again and took it out on you…I didn’t mean anything by it. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry you think you can dump on me and get away with it scot-free.

Wouldn’t you like to confront manipulative apologies? You don’t have to put up with the kind of banter that says, “I’m sorry for what I did to you…but get used to it…it’s going to happen again in the future and I will expect you to forgive me and forget my transgression at that time, too!”

DO YOU THRIVE ON GETTING MAD?

An “apologist” is somebody who argues to defend or justify a particular doctrine or ideology. The apology is part of the argument that “I’m not guilty for being mean, nor would a reasonable or sane person hold me responsible for my reprehensible repetitive verbal actions, if I apologize profusely and with fervent emotion.” An apologist is defending…protecting…promoting a doctrine…pushing a viewpoint on you…pushing the “record” button in your mind with rhetorical brainwashing. Well, maybe I’m going a little too far here. Then again, perhaps there is a “record button” in your brain that gets pushed and makes you forget and feel depressed.

I DON’T LIKE CONFLICT VERY MUCH AT ALL

If you don’t like conflict very much at all, you will avoid talking back to a shamer-and-blamer in effective ways. You won’t want to rock the boat, although your co-talker may be trying to hit you with a canoe paddle in the skull. In my clinical studies, Empathizer (E-type) communicators sincerely apologize too much. I would only be exaggerating a little to tell you the words “I’m sorry…” often are the first words out of their mouths. In contrast, I-types apologize strategically after making a strong point in order to solve problems or move a project forward.

I’M BORED SO LET ME PUSH YOUR BUTTONS

When you talk negatively to others or yourself, you are able to avoid feeling vulnerable (bored, lonely, sad, empty, hopeless and helpless) and/or pleasurable (joy, peacefulness, contentedness, sexual connection, closeness) feelings, but it’s at the expense of stirring the pot of distracting talk cycles that will predictably shoot down your co-communicators spirits. After awhile, they will quit trying to talk to you at all.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady hopes that his new book, “Talk to Me Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone,” will help E-Type Communicators not be so hasty to say “I’m sorry” when they’re being put down by others, and that it will help I-Type Communicators pay a bit more attention to how their harsh words can make others feel. In fact, he’s not sorry at all that he wrote this new book!

There are times when your co-communicator at work or home will talk big, preach loudly, opinionizing and pontificating effusively about why or what is right or wrong with you, your actions or your thinking. Likewise, I’ve learned from doing executive coaching and relationship counseling, that an empathetic listener (due to no fault of their own) may be at a loss for words and become tongue tied. For example, when a co-talker says, “WHY did you do or think that?” the sensitizer right away can flip off the switch to good talking due to that parentally stern rebuke.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHY I DID THAT? WELL, WHY NOT?

CommTool#14 doesn’t debate, argue or excessively explain to the challenger why you owe anyone an explanation for anything. It’s a hook and a trap to start explaining your position to someone who is mostly interested in tearing apart or riddling your viewpoint with doubt and critiques. Why do you do something? Well, why not? “So, what’s your point?” gets at the heart of the matter too.

ASSERTIVELY TALKING BACK TO IMPROVE THE DIALOGUE

Bad talks consist of one-way monologues. Good talks are represented by two-way adult dialogues. Positive talk occurs when both communicators stand a good chance of learning something new from the discussion instead of feeling they have been in a talk collision that leads to a concussion.

Here’s how this simple assertive 360 DEGREE FEEDBACK LOOP works to keep your head clear and your stress load in acceptable levels:

TALKER: I have no self-confidence.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: IF you think you can’t do it, then you won’t do it.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: Your going to leave me in the lurch.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I think I’m having a mid-life crisis.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I shouldn’t rock the boat.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I feel like I’m losing my mind.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I can’t stay focused…I get off-subject due to my short attention span.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I worry and think too much.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I can’t stand it…I just can’t take it any more.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I’m not saying it’s your fault.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: Are you saying it’s all my fault?
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I can’t talk to you.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I can’t give you the things you deserve that make you feel good.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I’m going to fail.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: There’s NO way I can fail.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I’m emotionally overwhelmed…I can’t think straight right now.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I didn’t mean what I said. I wish I could take it back.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: My ego is as fragile as an egg.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: When I try to jump in the team canoe…I miss by a foot…who moved my canoe?
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: You don’t understand ME.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: Now I’ve really got to be honest with you here.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I’m SO negative all-day long.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: You hold grudges and don’t get past the past.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I need to shake up the tree a little bit.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I’ve been riding the bubble, but it may pop.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I should be called on the carpet for smarting off to you like that.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I can’t be myself with you.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: You make me so nervous I can’t concentrate or see straight.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I’m dumpin’ my complainin’ on you.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I have NO hard feelings or carry any baggage.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I shouldn’t have done THAT.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I live by the Bible and expect others to.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I don’t back down and say what you may not want to hear when I’m in the right.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I’ll tell you what I think even if it displeases you.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

TALKER: I’m not trying to tell you what to do BUT…
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”

CHALLENGE…THEN LISTEN TO WHAT NEXT IS SAID

When you’re communicating effectively and openly, you walk on new sacred talk ground where the unexpected happens. So issue a directive question to the speaker, then use three ears to hear their answer. Usually, you will obtain a deeper understanding of why or why not a fellow talk traveler is or isn’t doing something you need to feel connected to the project at hand.

IF I’M THE VICTIM HERE, AREN’T I OWED SOME EXTRA COMPENSATION?

Most of us aren’t really victims, we just feel that way. To get out of the corner you feel put in? Turn around or walk backwards, and walk into a bigger space or place where no one is leading your life but you. After all, you are responsible for being the leader of your own life!

Why stew or resent what someone said to you. Talk back by speaking up! Speak up for your right to live your own life free and sail in the direction your heart-mind tells you to go in.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO CHECK OUT THESE PREVIOUS COMMTOOLS?

CommTool#13: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

CommTool#12: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…?

CommTool#11: SO, WHAT’S YOUR POINT?

CommTool#10: IF THE SHOE FITS, BABY

CommTool#9: I NEED YOU TO KNOW I’M FEELING SCARED

CommTool#8: NOW HEAR THIS MY DEAR MIND

CommTool#7: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT

CommTool#6: I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT

CommTool#5: WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ME

CommTool#4: CHANGE…THE DAMN RECORD

CommTool#3: WHY ‘IT’S NOT FAIR’ IS SUPREMELY FAIR

CommTool#2: IS THIS GOOD FOR ME?

CommTool#1: YOU’VE SAID THAT ALREADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides professional keynote speeches, executive coaching and professional development training in Dayton, Ohio, and surrounding areas. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” In this inspiring new positive TTM communications system, executive coaching, relationship improvement and leadership training program, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Empathizers back down from speaking up confrontationally, while Instigators don’t hold back speaking their minds. You can get a thumbnail sketch of you and your co-communicators type by clicking on the link “What’s Your Communicator Type.” If you believe you are a “pretty good communicator” then ask the Communication Tools (CommTools) questions above to a co-worker or family member…and then listen open-mindedly to the answers. You will be surprised what you learn when you have the pluck to ask directive questions and the hear/listen to the answers.

“You need to be more forgiving!” can be a type of communication manipulation meant to make you “just say yes” when you want to “say no” to unfair demands put upon you or poor relationship treatment you’ve received. Similar points that others often use to guilt-trip you to commit to things you don’t want to include: “Why can’t you get past it?” Or, “Hey, I said I was sorry already…so what more do you want me to do?” Or, “You’ll make yourself sick with this!”

WE’RE FAMILY AND WE’RE ONLY TRYING TO HELP YOU

These clever mind benders are often used in close relationships and family circles. The unspoken message of “Why can’t you be more forgiving?” is that you shouldn’t be angry and that you have no right to your feelings. A good comeback: “So, what’s your point? I don’t need to be more forgiving!”

HOLDING UNTO A BAG OF ANGER WILL MAKE YOU SPIRITUALLY AND PHYSICALLY SICK?

When feelings are aroused, people tend to point fingers. For example, a common argument is that spiritual people (like you) are held to a higher standard of forgiveness…the Bible tells us so. So, implied in the message is that you must forgive whatever repeated wrong is done to you. Nonsense! Another negative view: “You’ve got to forgive or you won’t be able to move ahead and you might get physically sick.” One more guilt trip: The golden rule vs. the rusty rule of revenge requires you to smile lovingly in the spitting face of hate and turn your cheek meekly. Is your sworn duty to be the first to forgive? Not when being for-giving means you are for-taking or being taken advantage of and manipulated in painfully patterned ways.

YOU’RE ONLY HUMAN…“YOU NEED TO BE MORE FORGIVING!” CAN BE SUBTLE MANIPULATION AND HEAD SPINNING

The wickedest type of hate is the smiling face on the person who will stab you in the back before you have a chance to turn around. But being hurt doesn’t stop you from going out on the limb to be a positive person and effective communicator. SO how can you think straight when your mind is foggy with fuzzy logic and debate points that sound…well, logical?

1. I FEEL STUPID…I FEEL LIKE A VICTIM…LIKE I’VE BEEN DUPED. Perhaps you are a victim for the minute, or perhaps you just feel like a victim, or both. Either way, the point is WHAT are you going to do about it now?

2. I’M JUST SO-O ANGRY. Perhaps a positive purpose of feeling angry is to feel less powerless and trapped, with your back against the wall. Why not be genuinely angry at your situation, the control freak, the world of hate, the unfairness of it all? So, what’s your point? What is your positive anger calling you to do to put a painful past behind you?

3. I HAD TO SWEEP MY FEELINGS UNDER THE RUG. Perhaps you could have confronted the problem sooner instead of putting a clothes pin in your nose when the elephant in the room really stunk up your mental home. So, what’s your point? Now is a safe time to look at the elephant before you bump into it or trip on it and break your neck.

4. IT MUST BE MY FAULT. Oh really now? Sure, you find yourself not sleeping well…not going around people as much…not opening up and reaching out as often…avoiding risking the doing of new things that are good for you…and alas you’ve lost trust in yourself…and yeah, so you are resisting doing what works to create positive change. So, what’s your point? It doesn’t matter who’s at fault but what are you going to do differently NOW when what you’re doing isn’t working.

5. BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I ain’t buyin’ this one. Yes, you in fact do know what you need to do…you simply may not want to do it. Try this: IF you knew what to do…AND you had permission to go ahead and do it (what you know will work to change your life for the better) what one thing would you do differently today? Really, so what’s your point here? You don’t know how to escort an elephant out of your house? Get a rope and a stick and some help!

6. WHAT IF I’M WRONG? You’re right. You can’t go wrong when you answer this question: “What’s good for me to do at this crossroads of change?” What’s your point? You can behave more independently and less co-dependently…keep it simple and ask for help from a neutral source when there’s a problem.

7. WHAT IF I’M BEING SELFISH? If you don’t take care of yourself, who will? The paradox is you will feel pressured to please when you should set limits and say “NO way!” What’s the point of talking to yourself as if you’re dirt?

8. BUT THEY’LL BE MAD AT ME. Ah, emotional blackmail works so well, and that’s why it’s used so often against you. IF a negatalker in your life is saying disapprovingly: “You shouldn’t do that … You don’t know what you’re talking about … You’re nothing without me…” Dump ‘em. I hope that wasn’t a knee-jerk or me-jerk reaction.

So that’s how to talk to yourself to feel free of mind and spirit when you feel angry…you feel betrayed…and your self-esteem sliced and diced.

WHEN ARE NICE PEOPLE WISE TO BE UNFORGIVING?

For-giving types such as Empathizer communicators need to balance that emotion with being more For-taking. I know that sounds cold and selfish but it is authentic and genuine. Instigator communicators aren’t as shy about taking care of their needs. I-types know there’s a season for everything…including a time NOT to forgive. When to forgive and forget? That’s the question whose answer can make a lifetime of peace and prosperity for you and yours or a never-ending mental war and emotional poverty.

WHO’S DRIVING YOUR BLUE OR BURNT ORANGE COMMUNICATOR CAR?

When is a good time to forgive? Whenever you choose to, but you don’t have to. You get to choose. Just don’t be a sap, all of you oh-so-precious sensitize souls who, in order to not hurt anyone so you “just say yes” to everyone who comes knockin’. Remember, always this: You alone sit behind the driver’s wheel of your life…and it’s not always a two-way communicator highway filled with positive and compassionate drivers who only want to best for everyone.

WHO SITS BEHIND THE DRIVER’S WHEEL OF YOUR LIFE CAR?

Why say “I’m sorry!” for being the leader of your own life? Why allow others to sit behind the driver’s wheel of your life car? There is a time to be for-giving and a time to be for-receiving. Knowing the difference can make the difference between an ulcer and a light turning on and shining the light in the dark cave of your life.

ABOUT TALK TO ME

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a professional keynote speaker who contends that you don’t have to feel guilty, whether you are an Empathizer or Instigator communicator, for refusing to be for-giving instead of for-taking. For instance, when you become the “talk object” of someone who drops the guilt bomb on ya’ and won’t change…change the channel and don’t expect him or her to change, ever. That’s so cold and closed? You got it! In fact, perhaps by not forgiving and refusing to get wrapped around an antagonist’s negative words or actions—you spontaneously reclaim your life and you stop holding your breath praying for them to change. The four talk modes you can use to create positive and effective communication are only found in Dennis O’Grady’s third book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.”