What To Say When Your Plate Is Too Full

You’ve already got a very long “to do” list at work but your boss (wife/husband) calls you with something new and pressing for you to do. You think about the Stephen Covey time management rule that says you should stick to doing what’s important…not run around like a chicken with your head cut off doing what’s urgent. But you want to please your boss, and you want to be viewed as a positive and effective communicator on the team…a positive person who doesn’t make waves and ably surfs huge waves of stress. So should you “Just Say No?” or should you respect that little voice hollering in your ear: “Oh, my God, I won’t ever be able to get this all done and remain even half-way sane, but I’ve got to try anyway to please the boss so I’ll say Yes!”

WHEN YOU SAY NO, DO YOU FEEL BAD, WORRIED, NERVOUS OR GUILTY?

You have the right to say “no, maybe, or yes” to any request. That’s your call. BUT I’d like to know if you’re being too good for own good, you sensitive and empathetic souls out there! How to know: Do you have trouble saying “no” when “no” might be the “right” answer to give? Or, do you apologize a lot when you “say no,” making you appear wishy-washy, confused or weak? Not good. Know this: In my “Talk to Me” program, Empathizer communicators (E-types) struggle with saying “no” without feeling guilty. In contrast, Instigator communicators think people who can’t say “no” are weak.

WHAT E-TYPES SAY TO I-TYPES WHEN “NO” IS THE RIGHT ANSWER

It’s time for you sensitive Empathizer-type communicators to stop going along to get along with Instigator-type communicators, because when you go along, you’re more likely to fail at delivering positive results. These “directive statements” may seem loud, brash or pushy, but they are simply authentic, effective and truthful. Some ways to “just say no” to “strong-willed I-types” without making an enemy and in ways I-types will understand:

1. I’LL HAVE TO PULL OFF OTHER PROJECTS TO GET THIS DONE. This is heard by I-types as a “reality check” and “taking the pulse” of what is wished for vs. what is feasible.

2. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME TO DO THIS IF OTHER THINGS FALL BEHIND? This is heard by I-types as a challenge to re-check their thinking and priorities and to do a cost-benefit analysis.

3. I THINK THAT’S TOO MUCH TO ASK OF ONE PERSON. This is heard by I-types as a genuine statement of how much work is unfairly falling on the shoulders of one person. I-types know it’s not fair to assign all the work to a single workhorse in the organization.

4. I’M FEELING LIKE I’M OUT HERE ALONE. This is heard by I-types as a report that you are stretched to the limit and need to be emotionally honest without belly-aching.

5. I NEED TO TELL YOU WHAT I NEED/EXPECT FROM YOU IN RETURN. This is heard by I-types as a form of negotiation to iron out the details. It’s a form of record-keeping.

6. I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DO IT ALL. This is not heard as complaining by I-types but instead is perceived as a call for back-up.

7. THE RIGHT ANSWER IS NO, BUT I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN SAY THAT. I-types respect when you are right on the dot to take more self-responsibility for your own happiness.

8. DON’T MAKE THINGS MORE COMPLICATED THAN THEY HAVE TO BE. I-types hear this as a warning to keep the big picture in mind, not get cocky, and make small corrections in the flight course to arrive at the goal destination.

9. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. This is heard by I-types as a direct confrontation that they are not “up to speed” or do not have the necessary information to make the proper decision. They will want to understand what’s wrong and what’s not working right.

10. I NEED HELP TO DO THIS. This isn’t heard by I-types as a weakness but as a warning that special conditions exist and need to be addressed to make the desired results and outcomes happen on timeline.

11. THIS MAY BE ROUGH AND THERE WILL BE MISTAKES. I-types like to be in control of the process. They don’t mind mistakes as much as they dislike being “caught off guard” by “bad news that comes out of the blue.”

12. WHAT’S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN? This alerts I-types to expect trouble in this project, such as, unexpected delays or difficult financial choices or people.

WHAT’S THE POINT?

Remember my dear E-types: I-types will respect you when you “talk pointedly” and assertively. The transactions above are GENUINE and not “too pushy” or “too negative” or “too loud.” If results matter, then being an accurate reporter of what is or isn’t possible stacks the career deck and romantic show in your favor. Just you try it a few times and see!

HERE’S WHY ONE EMPATHIZER COMMUNICATOR COULDN’T SAY NO

E-types like to be liked and they hate disappointing others. They often go along to get along which often doesn’t result in good things happening. One of my male E-type clients had this to say about his fear of letting others down:

“I hate saying ‘no’ so I over-promise even when I have a million things on my plate. If I simply said ‘I can’t do it now’ I would be far better off. But I can’t say no because I don’t want to disappoint other people. I feel bad promising what I know I won’t be able to deliver on, and this results in my letting others down who get miffed with me. I should say ‘no’ but I don’t usually have the nerve to.

“I say ‘yes’ a lot in my relationship when I would rather say ‘no thanks…or no, not now.’ I take a backseat to the relationship, and my partner doesn’t respect me. What’s so perverse is that I create results that are the opposite of my intentions! By trying so VERY hard not disappoint anyone, I disappoint them all the more. After I’m ‘caught,’ I will justify and make excuses to cover my tracks…and even lie. And I’m not a liar!

“Bottom line: If I help people all the time, I think I will be liked. When I’m liked…I feel happy. So little-by-little, I keep giving people what they want. Then people at work and my relationship partner see me as ‘weak’ and ‘lacking responsibility and accountability’ because I don’t keep my word.”

Agreeing to avoid appearing disagreeable is a disaster waiting to happen.

IF YOU CAN’T SAY NO, CAN YOU REALLY MEAN YES?

If you can’t say “no” when you want to, can you really mean “yes” when you say so? Being a people pleaser displeases people a lot. And besides, what’s in it for you? Are you afraid of being seen as negative or losing the respect of someone if you don’t say ‘yes?’ The reverse psychology: In truth, Instigator communicators appreciate and respect you more when they can’t run over you.

AGREEING TO GO ALONG TO GET ALONG

Actually, this could be a pattern of nice people “agreeing to go along to get along” but not able to handle what already was on their plate. Sometimes, “no” is the best answer for all concerned. Understanding your communicator type, and your co-communicator’s type, can free you up to talk positively about negative things and set needed boundaries so you don’t go nuts from overwork and under-pleasuring yourself.

SO WHEN YOUR PLATE IS FULL AND OVER-FLOWING

So don’t agree to do what isn’t humanly possible for you when you have a million things on your plate and your plate is full and over-flowing unto your communicator table. So simply “say yes to yourself,” and “say no when no is the right answer” to keep your light shining bright to the benefit of everyone.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady points out that there’s a BIG difference between saying “no” for the all the right reasons and being a negative person, and they’re two very different things. Saying “no” doesn’t mean you’re negative or uncooperative; it just means you’re honest to yourself about what you can – and cannot – handle and perform with confidence and competence. He’s a professional keynote speaker who is the founder of New Insights Communication and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.”

Keep Your Communication Tight

I recently had the distinct honor and privilege to be the “celebration keynote speaker” on “effective and positive communication” to the Morris Group “All Branch” Meeting at a retreat held in South Carolina at The Inn at Palmetto Bluff. Why was this event so remarkable? The Morris Group had its best year ever, and the focus and purpose of my talk was “Celebrating Your Couple Life.” CEO Lee Morris practices and preaches that strong couple bonds are as important (or more important) as strong company profits. The leaders and their spouses are just like you and me… hard-working…caring…juggling 50 balls in the air at once…wanting to love what they do and be in love with their spouses to boot.

THE TALK TO ME PROGRAM

The “Talk to Me” program builds a bridge between work (leader) communication and home (spousal) communication. Effective and productive communication eliminates backseat drivers and detours, to help us all drive down the two-way communication highway in a better mood. In fact, how were we ever able to talk to one another without knowing who we were talking to by type—Empathizer or Instigator drivers?

DO YOU DRIVE A BLUE OR RED TALK CAR?

After taking a short version of the New Insights Communication Inventory (NICI), each participant got either a “blue circle” or a “burnt orange” circle to put on their name tags to represent their communicator type. Blue is the color of the Empathizer-type communicator car and burnt orange is the color of the Instigator-type communicator car. In my studies, a majority of leaders drive the burnt orange cars since they are Instigator communicators, while most of their spouses drive the blue communicator cars since they are Empathizer communicators. Just goes to show that “one size communciator shoe” does not fit all, as my “shoe exercise” parlayed. Besides the roasted oysters, the biggest newsflash involved the communication tips and tools that each couple came up with at the end of my talk to put to use at home.

WHAT WILL YOU PUT TO POSITIVE USE FROM TODAY’S TRAINING AND WORKSHOP MESSAGE?

So here are the answers that workshop participants (leaders/spouses) came up with in response to: “What will you put to positive use from today’s training and workshop message?” This wisdom is in no particular order…feel free to join in:

I am going to tell my wife how much I appreciate her and what I love about her every day

Better understand my communicator type and how to relate better to a different type

Not to take things so seriously…use touch more

Implement the four minutes per day for communication practices

I will be a good and receptive listener. I will understand where my spouse is coming from and support him. Can’t be too much of a communicator in family life

Set the tone and setting for communication…communicate why and how I feel

To listen in a different way…to see their side…slow down and don’t overreact. Enjoyed your talk.

I will read the book (Talk to Me)

Don’t take I-types (Instigator-type communicators) so seriously…don’t expect my type of communication only

Better awareness of what is important to my spouse when communicating with her

Try and be more understanding of his type of communicating…bring the elephant out of the room

Set time aside each evening to sit and discuss the day’s events

Attempt to understand my wife’s communication style…and see and challenge myself to listen to her actively…and not pass by on my fast track

To give loving comments and touch…although we’re both the same types…be a good listener

Communicate more effectively—understand that nobody is perfect…listen to my partner’s point of view…won’t hold grudges

Understand the two communicator types and how to talk to the other…set the communication table…say the positives more often

Set the table each day to open up discussion…learn my wife’s communicator type…understand my communicator type

Set the communication table and state what makes me fee so good about talking

I will not take my “hero” so seriously…I will also try to walk in my spouse’s shoes more often

Think like my partner…listen with three ears…share my thoughts and feelings

Tell others how I feel about them more often…ask them how they are doing

Communicate more and listen

Better understanding of the types and dynamics of communicators…we are two different types my wife and I

That Instigator couples have to trade plans and take turns…the flip a coin plan

Tell what I love about my spouse each morning

Try to talk using emotions and feelings…be more sensitive to how others might be affected by my words/actions…work toward understanding the communicator type of those with whom I communicate/live/work

Try not to take my husband so seriously when he has a lot on his plate and stressed…help him recharge his battery…help understand his communicator type better

Understanding why I’m the way I am and how to understand my partner’s communicator type…slow down the inner voices…breathe…listen

I will make sure that I slow down and listen instead of blowing through the conversation

Setting the communication table properly is the key to a healthy relationship between my wife and I…we both work hard understand our different styles and try to acknowledge each others wishes

I have got to learn how to be a better listener…because when we talk I am ready for the fight

I will try to clarify what my wife is saying to me with the phrase, “So let me tell you what I think you’re saying…”

When my spouse is feeling down, vulnerable, etc. I will use his style of communication with him since he is the opposite of me

LISTEN! Talk in my spouse’s language

Give more space to my spouse when he comes home

I will understand my husband’s actions when times are tough and when times are good

Identify with my wife’s personality type to improve communication

Allow myself to be questionned

I will try harder to give my husband my FULL ATTENTION AND COMPLETELY LISTEN to how he feels each day

Learn and understand how to effectively communicate with my spouse

Be sure to find out how her day was and remind her how much I love her

Learn about the opposite type’s communication style and adopt these techniques when talking to them…I look foreward to reading more in your book

It’s a useful way of understanding how others think, feel and reason

Understanding my spouses communicator type…understanding my type

CAN WE TALK?

Oh, my, what fun we had as a group. Talking to “both sides of the aisle” is an exhilarating honor. I love talking to real people who make positive things happen. And as you know, it can be tough to talk as spouses during the tough times…and spouses busy with parenting can “skip over” the positive times to focus on other urgencies. The leaders and their spouses laughed, hooted, cried, hugged, held hands and smooched—a good time of communication was had by all. Thank you, Morris family!

KEEP COMMUNICATION TIGHT TO STAY CONNECTED AND CLOSE AS A COUPLE

Well, that’s it from our real-world “live communicating love” couples in the world of work, raising kids and celebrating the one life God has given you to live. Are you celebrating your life today? Way-to-go! Now remember to use your own gold advice all you gals and guys…Keep It (Communication) Tight! Keep the battery charged you I-types…and you lovable E-types…keep your inner light shining bright for without you it’s a very dark world, indeed.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady, who still gets butterflies in his stomach when he gets up in front of a crowd of strangers, nevertheless comes away from events like this even further committed to spreading the word about positive communication and communicator types, as outlined in his new book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” He’s founder of New Insights Communication in Dayton, Ohio.

Couple Neglect Of Pleasure

Do you neglect your pleasure as a couple, in favor of raising healthy kids? Or do you pursue your pleasure as a couple, and neglect your responsibilities to raise healthy kids…or both/neither of the above? In “child-centered families,” the couple tends to neglect the couple unit to focus on the children. Everyone says NOT to forget about the lovers BUT…it’s just so easy to do.

THE LOVING COUPLE NEGLECT SYNDROME

The couple neglect syndrome develops when you put your needs for pleasure last on your “to-do list”…so far down that you rarely get to them at all. Here are the key factors that indicate, little-by-little, you’re becoming an un-couple:

1. The couple doesn’t communicate. You talk about tasks and “the to do’s” instead of the conversation that indicates your enjoyment of each other.

2. The couple lives like roommates. Small talk replaces deeper discussions.

3. Each partner does a lot of solo pleasuring. “He does his thing, and she does her thing!” is the norm.

4. Superficial conversations. Very little personal self-disclosure occurs, or minimal sharing of vulnerabilities during discussions.

5. Your partner doesn’t listen. Listening with the intent to “first understand before being understood” doesn’t often happen.

6. You feel second to the kids. You notice that your partner shows more excitement and enthusiasm being around the kids than being around you.

7. The couple doesn’t spend much relaxed private time together. A “we’ve got to hurry up and balance 12 plates in the air!” permeates the relationship.

8. You don’t go out socially as a couple much. You don’t go out together with positive friends or stay together to enjoy the social outing as a couple.

9. Excuses. You both make a bevy of excuses why you can’t be close now…but maybe later. For example, “If it weren’t for the kids or stress, we’d be able to…”

10. Senseless arguing. You snipe, snap or snip at one another for tiny annoyances.

11. Only one spouse sees the problem. There isn’t partner agreement on the pleasuring problems that need to be solved…and how serious the problems even are.

12. Moan-day…Moan-day. Griping about how change is tough, time is short, energy is sapped, pressures to be perfect are percolating and moaning about shortages of every shape and kind.

13. Flirting. Enjoying talking and playing word games with age-companions who aren’t your partner…when they act positive…like they like you and are glad to see you.

14. Perfection fakery. The pressure is on to “look good” publicly to the group (social or extended family), instead of privately “feeling good and happy and tight” as a couple.

15. In-tense. A gripping “tension” exists, making the couple feel as if they’re in a vise whenever they’re around each other for unstructured periods of time.

16. Extremism. All-or-none thinking or extremism prevails making the flow of love either totally turned on or absolutely turned off like water through a garden hose.

17. Too busy to be bothered. Lack of communication and not physically showing caring in hugs and other tender touches are never good things. Neither is being too too busy to make time to talk.

18. “And before we knew IT…” The couple bond grows weaker and weaker, and the fire of love burns low to the point of being snuffed out. There is a lack of respect and attention paid to a partner after the glow wears off.

19. Checked out. You stop checking in with your partner, and have checked out of the relationship, instead.

20. No P.D.A. There’s a “no public (or private) display of affection” policy, and the Department of Affection is closed for the day.

21. Guilt energy. “It’s always something…some crisis comes up!” and there’s not much funnin’ and foolin’ around since the work of raising kids is never completely done.

22. Worry wart. Everyone’s focused on loudly playing that good old…worry song.

23. Sex is work. Sexual play has become sexual work, and initiating sex is dreaded for fear of rejection.

24. Role modeling vs. talk muddling. One day will your kids grow up and want a marriage like the one they’ve seen role modeled by you and yours?

25. Feeling unimportant. Feelings of guilt and anger preside over the need for receiving simple signs of positive attention.

26. Clamming up. Whether you are introverted or extroverted, you clam up and don’t feel safe to speak your mind without fearing an angry uprising.

27. Senseless arguing. We make the same tired points and counterpoints that don’t get you anywhere productive or useful.

28. Having any fun, yet? You and your partner aren’t having much fun at all, not feeling at ease vs. dis-eased, hurrying too fast to get to nowhere land.

COUPLE PLEASURING VS. COUPLE POUTING

The opposite of couple pleasure is couple pouting. There’s no way you won’t get frustrated when your adult needs for closeness, companionship, growth and change are thwarted by the self-defeating actions of unintended neglect.

Why talk about a solution to couple suffering, or doing the “couple fix” just once such as a prescribed “date night,” and then stop finding ways to have fun together again. No doubt raising kids is hard…staying loving while raising healthy kids is even harder.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a professional keynote speaker and author from Dayton, Ohio, USA. He is the author of Talk to Me, Taking the Fear Out of Changing, and No Hard Feelings. His mission is to help companies and couples develop positive and effective communication skills for work and home using the “Talk to Me” program.

Worry Less

Don’t tell me to worry less when I’m worrying up a mental storm. The best person to calm me down at those times is ME, BUT I can leave myself high and dry on self-encouragement when I’m in panic-me mode. Case in point: When traveling recently to join a positive group of leaders and their spouses for a “celebration event,” I worried myself non-stop. “What IF my flight is cancelled? What IF my suitcase is lost? What IF my books don’t arrive on time? What IF I catch a cold? What IF my kids need me? What IF I bomb doing what I love, what then?” See? Worrisome thoughts follow some of us constantly, whether times are plush or tight.

WHAT IF BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO ME THAT I CAN’T CONTROL?

When I’m struggling with “What IF?” thoughts, I’m usually miserable and feel out of control. I feel helpless, unable to do something different. I scold myself because, after all, I’ve been able to break the worry habit a thousand times before. And even though deep down I’ve got nothing to worry about, there I go worrying myself again. So what does a “communications guru” like me try to say positively inside my skull when the negative voice debates and glibly contradicts my own self to make me worry more:

“Nothing bad is going to happen, buster. Oh yeah? Who really knows? Then why do they call it ‘the unknown,’ buddy?”

“Why worry? You’ve done this a thousand times before! Yeah, that’s true BUT this time could be different and something could go seriously wrong!”

“C’mon…stop the worrying already! You can’t stop worrying, dude, because you were born to be a worry wart. You say it yourself…smart people worry more.”

“Remember what you’ve been taught: When you calm down you lose control (and) when I relax I feel guilty.”

“I just worry too much. Ditto to the above. I’ve got to give you credit…you are one of the world’s greatest worriers and I respect you for that. Nothing’s going to catch you off guard.”

“BUT everybody else worries too much, too. Well, yeah, but you don’t have to live in their skin. Can’t you feel your heart pumping hard, the gastric juices sloshing around in your gut, your tempo keeping beat to the worry rap? You’re not like everybody else because you can’t get a grip when you want to.”

“Hey, I’ve got nothing to worry about. Well, yeah, but you can’t control the universe and you know bad things happen to good people like you. Sure, you can handle embarrassing failure, BUT do you want to?”

“What’s the worst thing that could happen? Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m talking about here…lots of weird stuff can happen and you’ve been around long enough to know what I’m talking about. Do ya’ know what I mean?”

“This is getting SO embarrassing how uptight I’m getting and making myself feel. Yeah, I told you so! I told you that you couldn’t handle being in the unknown all alone. You should worry about what others think of you and how good or bad a communicator you are.”

“I give up…I’m doing this to myself. Well, good for you because you should take responsibility. It (the worry habit) is your fault. Finally, there’s something we both agree on!”

HAVE A LITTLE FAITH IN YOU

Let loose of anxiety caused my thoughts that are torturing and tortuous. After all, they’re like hungry horseflies that are buzzing around your head looking for a brain to suck on. Swat…swat…feeling helpless and closed in? It’s your choice. You can change what you do to become a better you…be the leader of your own internal talk life. You can do it…what have you got to lose but living in a dreaded future or dreadful past?

TIPS THAT ARE BOUND TO WORK WHEN THE HEAT IS ON

Actually, I’ve noticed that when I’m super-uptight, I usually learn or do something useful…such as writing these tips in the middle of the Cincinnati Airport. I learn a little bit more about my personal power, my relationships, how important my daughters are to me…why friends are better than ice cream. Fretting about worrying won’t kill ya’…and it just may make you give birth to a new insight about expressing yourself more positively. Talk tips to relax today:

1. STOP LEAP-FROGGING TIME ZONES. This is my favorite anxiety trick of late. Whatever I’m worrying about, such as public speaking, I focus not only about my next keynote speech but ALL of my upcoming keynotes this year. The anxious mind “Takes it a year at a time instead of a day at a time!”

2. LAY CLAIM TO YOUR SPARKLE. No, you don’t have to sparkle and sizzle with energy every second of every day. But you are very rich, your personality is a gold mine, and you know that you can do what you do with your eyes closed. Anxiety blinds you and shouts orders in your ears that are very disorienting…that’s not your fault.

3. LISTEN TO THE CHIPMUNK CHATTER. Switch to using the television chipmunk voices to squeal about why you don’t know who you are or what you’re about…the high-pitched whining will help you change your mind about yourself instead of getting caught by the cat of anxiety.

4. WHO DO YOU HATE….DO YOU HATE IT? Putting negative energy into frightful thoughts empowers them. Instead of hating yourself or hating the anxious thoughts, count one way you can do something positive for yourself (like meditate or pray) to love yourself while scared.

5. WHO’S MAKING YOU WORRY? When a kid, I howled in laughter at episodes of “The Flip Wilson Show” when he would say: “It wasn’t my fault. The devil made me do IT!” Actually though, worry-more thoughts can be inadvertently “inserted” by a well-meaning parent or partner who worries about the amount of worrying you do.

6. KEEP YOUR CRITICAL PARENT CALVARY FROM LEADING A SELF-MASSACRE. When you feel weak or vulnerable, you will gun yourself down and massacre your self-esteem with the same thoughts/words used to scold you as a child. You can stop the stress massacre by taking sides with you and your positive mind.

7. TAKE IT EASY. Hey, life can be easy and you can change to a channel in your mind with “easy listening.” That’s why I swear by the personal directive: “Change the damn worry record!”

8. FIND A FRIENDLY FACE. Let a friendly new visitor into your life…let someone else make you smile…and relax…let go…you don’t need to have control…you don’t have to be perfect…you can be the relaxed you.

9. NO ONE IS PERFECT ALL THE TIME. When you demand yourself to be perfect…your worries will escalate and your fears exaggerate. Being the perfect thinker, the perfect talker, have the perfect mind, use the perfect emotions ain’t worth it…so thank your lucky stars that you’re a human being who is in process of becoming a more compassionate human being…and remind yourself that NO ONE is perfect all the time. Ever.

10. OFFER YOUR (A)WARES. Often, you can help others from the terrible experiences that made you feel like your world is coming to an end or you’re going to be eaten alive by stress alligators, when in fact you’re honing what (a)wares you will later share with others who need you.

11. THINK UNHAPPY THOUGHTS TO CHEER YOURSELF UP. To deal with anxiety, think of a time when you felt like you “lost it all” and came out of the experience better than ever and your zebra stripes changed for the better. This will have the reverse effect of worrying more…you will worry less.

12. YOU WILL SURVIVE. Talking to yourself kindly is a generous act that you probably don’t deserve but is worth trying anyway. You will survive anxious times…you will thrive during anxious times…you will succeed during anxious times…you will be more genuine during anxious times when you become a comforting friend to yourself during stressful times.

13. GIVE YOURSELF A PEACE OF YOUR OWN MIND. Laughing at yourself is a bit tricky when you’re uptight. Giving yourself a piece of your mind…now that’s pretty habitual. Giving yourself “peace of mind” is more powerful.

Well, that’s lucky 13 ways to let go of holding onto anxiety when your life feels deep in the unknown and you are scared.

SLOW DOWN…YOUR THOUGHTS…THEY MOVE TOO FAST

How are you and I supposed to slow down from worrying too much? One thing I know about me is that when I worry, I’m having the time of my life! How so? I’m living on the cutting edge of the people universe where nothing is guaranteed to anyone and everyone must handle whatever comes up with dignity and aplomb. Wanna “what if?” What IF good things happen to you?!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady, after stressing out on the way to the above-mentioned trip, finally got a grip, used a few pieces of his own advice and ended up having a wonderfully, marvelous, fun time, which just goes to prove that EVERYONE, even the so-called “experts,” always are in a position to learn a thing or two about living well and living fully. He’s founder of New Insights Communication and author of the newly published “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone.”

You’re Entitled To Your Opinion

Are you REALLY always right? If you want to slip out of taking responsibility for something important that came out of your mouth when you felt frustrated or mad, just say: “Hey, I was only joking! Don’t take it so seriously. I was just teasing ya’. It’s nothing personal!” Slippery speak is when a speaker passive-aggressively makes excuses for mean-spirited words or actions so they can’t get caught red-handed and held personally responsible.

I DON’T DO IT ALL THE TIME

Legalistic and psychological arguments abound in the world of talk today. “BUT I don’t do it ALL the time!” is slippery speak because frequency of occurrence is used as an argument. That’s like saying, “Hey, but I don’t lie ALL the time so why are you getting on my case?!” Or picking apart or quibbling with a good point, by saying: “That may be what you heard, I can’t argue with that, but that’s not what I said!”

MAKING SLICK EXCUSES TO EXCUSE REPEATED FAILURES

Making slick excuses to excuse repeated failures is one of the biggest communication flops being perpetuated today. People seem so keen at getting out of being the blame, that needed positive changes are cut off at the knees just when the whistle blows for the change race to begin. Are these some slick talking tricks you might hear at work, school or home today?

  1. I didn’t mean it like it sounded!
  2. I was just joking!
  3. Can’t you take a joke…I was just ribbin’ ya’!
  4. Give me some credit, why don’t ya?!
  5. I am constantly trying to do the right things for our relationship!
  6. There you go again picking on me.
  7. C’mon…I’m not THAT bad!
  8. I know that…you’re repeating yourself.
  9. No, I don’t want your sympathy.
  10. I think it could’ve been worse.
  11. I couldn’t help it.
  12. I thought it would be neat and make you happy.
  13. I would have been better off, not saying anything.
  14. You try to make me out to be a terrible person.
  15. I don’t get that…maybe I’m dumb or not as smart as you!
  16. I don’t get that everything revolves around you.
  17. You’ve got to admit…
  18. It’s not as bad as before.
  19. BUT that’s a FACT!
  20. I’m so busy solving everyone’s problems–I don’t have time to solve my own.
  21. You’re making this sound SO really BAD and awful.
  22. That’s not what I was saying!
  23. You’re doing a good job of backing me into a corner.
  24. You’re trying to make me pick sides which I won’t do!
  25. You can’t compare the two…it’s like comparing apples to oranges.
  26. I have to live with what you give.
  27. What can I do about IT?
  28. You’re never satisfied, so I can never do enough to ever please you.
  29. It wasn’t ME!
  30. IT wasn’t MY fault!
  31. What did YOU do now?
  32. Where are you coming from?
  33. You don’t have to ACT so mad!
  34. I didn’t do IT!
  35. Where have you been?
  36. But I don’t do it all the time!

HOW TO GET OUT OF BEING BLAMED FOR ANYTHING

You, too, can make fools of others by blowing the smoke of confusing rhetoric around the communicator table to confuse matters AND mess with minds. So Mr. or Ms. Rebel, do you now know how to talk your way out of any noose you find hung around your neck? Use these “bad communication rules” to get out of being blamed for anything:

  • Don’t be honest.
  • Don’t make a commitment that you plan to keep.
  • Set a crisis fire or set off an explosion to distract attention away from changes you need to make.
  • Holler loud and proud…disrespect others…throw your unhealthy anger around like a heavy-weight.
  • And be sure to go for the emotional jugular!

GOING FOR THE EMOTIONAL JUGULAR

After all, they had it coming, didn’t they? Gosh knows it’s not your fault. You didn’t mean to…you didn’t intend to…but if you did intend to you didn’t mean to harm anyone even when they were hurt by your actions or inactions.

You deserve to delight in the power of positive communication to leave your resentments, rejections and unsolved problems behind in the rearview mirror of your life as you travel down the two-way communicator highway. Sure, you may get blamed by another driver every now and then BUT you won’t run out of gas or loving passion!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is available in the resource store at his Web site www.drogrady.com. Dr. O’Grady leads workshops, and provides business consulting, about two new communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators. Let’s take “playing by the rules” as a fun example. Empathizers or E-types expect others to make the rules, while Instigators or I-types expect others to play by the rules they make. Likewise, take “grudge matches or grudge keeping.” E-types daily wipe their slate clean which can create co-dependency, while I-types keep accounting records of rights vs. wrongs that can lead into a co-dependency. Knowing who you’re talking to in the workplace or family space by communicator type and temperament, makes all the difference in the “mood” in your workplace or relationships and the “effectiveness” of your management team.