Getting Men To Talk Openly In Marriage

How do you get men to talk openly to you in a marriage? How do you get any partner to warm up to hot talk?

As “the communications guru” when it comes to good communication, I know some smooth moves to encourage men to talk and open up vs. shut down or shut up. Saying “We’ve got to talk!” shuts men down faster that a teen-age rabbit on Starbucks. Or even more rude and crude, “Dear, we’ve got to talk NOW!” (You tell me I’ve gotta do something, like talk to you at the snap of your fingers, and I will go off and do the opposite just to prove that I’m a free agent.)

A FOUR-LETTER WORD GUYS LOVE…TALK

Guys are great communicators, and we love to talk up a storm. (Stop snickering, sweetheart!) We know that our partners just love to listen to us open-mindedly, non-judgmentally and without picking at our flaws until we guys feel raw and bleed. Who’s responsible for “making men talk?” Well, both partners are 50% co-responsible for making good talks happen, aren’t we?!

After all, guys are quite fond of MANY four-letter words that end in “K”…like TALK. And we know that everyone enjoys good talking…all night long IF. IF guys are slowly put in the mood for emotional connection, contact and intimacy.

Ladies, here’s how to make a guy get psychologically naked with you NOW. ..and want to do it again and again and again. (Hey guys, listen up! I’m going to tell the ladies that they ought to get all naked so we can really talk. Let’s call this “doing the naked talk…talking openly about anything!”) After all, ladies, you know that your guy really, really wants to please YOU above anything else. You do know this, true?

SO LET’S GET PSYCHOLOGICALLY NAKED…LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…AND TALK FOR A CHANGE

Wife says to lucky husband: “I realize that you WILL do anything for me, and that you believe that anywhere, anytime, is a good time to talk to me.”

Husband thinks fast: (Oh, shoot, she’s been hitting the sauce again or drinking too much java. No worries, though, because maybe I’ll get lucky tonight.)

Husband analyzes this some more and says: Well, yeah, sure sweetheart. I’d do about anything for you, you know that. BUT tell me exactly a little bit more what you’re specifically referring to when you say that I’d do anything for you. Exactly, what, did you have in mind…specifically?

Positive wife says to suspicious husband: Oh, I didn’t mean anything by it, really, I swear. Nope, nothing at all. I just think you’re a terrific communicator, that’s all. I hear all those horror stories about how terrible men are at the simple act of communication…how most guys are cold and frigid…and well, why I just thank my lucky stars for you. You care so much about me, and my happiness. Don’t you?

Husband thinks even faster now and smoke begins to come out of his ears: (Oh snap, she’s gone out and bought something that’s really, REALLY expensive without consulting me. How do I handle this one? How do I get her to take it back, whatever IT is that she’s gone out and bought on a whim or impulse, without getting into a big ruckus or noisy racket that will end up with me getting the cold shoulder in bed when I want to romp?)

Husband strategically says: Well honey, you’re a great communicator, too. Personally, I don’t know any guys who get complimented by their wife for being good in the talkroom and able to carry on a decent conversation around the communicator table, too. Also, I sure am glad I don’t always have to agree with you. You don’t make me do anything against my will or make me perform “guilt talk.” I’m glad we can disagree without hammering each other over the head with the blunt instrument of our viewpoint. You don’t badger me, or make unilateral decisions without consulting me. Right? Right on! Am I right, or what?

Confident wife responds instead of reacts: Of course you’re right…you’re always right. In fact, you’re absolutely right, almost always never wrong. You would never put me off by saying, “Why would you say something like that!” Or, “Why did you go and do such a stupid thing!” I know you don’t ever believe there’s something flawed about me…what I’m feeling…what I’ve independently decided to do. In fact, I don’t have to be perfect to be loved by you because you love me just the way I am. Am I telling IT like it is between us in our positive relationship, or what?

Increasingly bewildered husband scratches his head as if he lice-infested and self-talks VERY rapidly: (Well, this is even worse than I thought. She’s not tipsy or high on caffeine. She’s not overspent our budget…she’s gone out and had an affair! Geez!! There’s no way she would be THIS NICE to me unless she’s trying to hide something or get me to do something I don’t want to do…ya know, trying to control me. Who’s she playing around with? Fred or Frieda next door? This is ridiculous. The only other possible scenario is that she’s been reading that dumb book again by Dr. O’Grady called, oh what is that stupid title…”You’ve Got To Talk To Me or I’ll Make Your Life Absolutely Miserable Until You Beg Me For Mercy Which I Won’t Give.” Well, it’s something like that. Now I’ve got to go easy and act totally unphased now.)

Cautiously husband proceeds through the four-way stop sign: “Um, I don’t know what to say except, “Tell me more about why you say that!”

Wife in a chipper mood continues: O.K., you respect me and love me deeply. I know when we don’t get along that that really bothers you…even makes you feel like a whopping failure the size of Arkansas. BUT you don’t fail me or disappoint me like that. Sure we miss the communication mark sometimes, but it’s not for lack of trying or caring. You are always optimistically trying to ENCOURAGE vs. DISCOURAGE good talking. When I tell you that I feel “awful” you remind me that I’m “awfully good” and even “awesome.” Because you are SO important to me, you have the power to bring my mood up or make my mood come crashing down to the ground. I know that doesn’t sound very independent, but emotionally I feel very closely tied to you, so I don’t mind being really open and vulnerable with you. Life’s sort of like a sack race, isn’t it? Each of us has one leg in the gunny sack as we race along and laugh across the course and collapse in a satisfied heap when we cross the finish line.

Husband anxiously chimes in: I’m not sure I get the sack cloth metaphor here…

Wife overtalks her husband: Moreover, I know that you will walk to the end of this planet (and back) to please me. And I know that you know that I can make your life completely miserable by what I say and do or don’t say and don’t do and oh, how you don’t ever forget that fact or try and take advantage of my good nature, right?

Husband is starting to get warmed up and getting in the mood to talk now: What are you saying, what do you mean? I suppose both of us are saying to “just give talk a chance”…and to gladly tell “the naked truth”…to self-disclose what we’re really feeling…to “scream for joy and let it all out!” Yeah, I’m happy that we can be open about what we really think or feel without sugar coating or putting each other down. Hey, now, no one said talk is all-ways easy…it takes some chutzpa…but we are good lovers of sizzling talk!

Wife purrfectly purrs: You’re the best, Tiger. I love it when you talk to me that way. Ya’ get me all worked up. Now where were we? Are you ready? I don’t want you to feel pressured. So, we don’t have to talk…and that’s NOT to say we can’t have a quick talk because “We’ve got to talk all night long!” BUT do you wanna do it for a little while right now while the kids are asleep?

Wife turns on the passion: Moreover, you know that I will hold you close after we talk and not just walk away, treating you like some talk object. You turn me on so when we talk! No, you can count on me to treat you respectfully! I want you to feel happy and satisfied and to fullfill all of your fantasies.

Husband impassioned: Yeah, I believe in the naked truth, too. Total emotional honesty. To self-disclose what we’re really feeling without blaming or shaming each other in ways that shut us up from telling a truth we don’t want to hear but need to hear and use.

Wife/Husband: I’M SO glad we can be open about what we really think or feel without playing mind games and blaming each other and frustrating each other and avoiding meeting needs. Let’s get busy! Hey, now, no one said talk is all-ways easy…it takes some chutzpa! I LOVE DOING IT (TALKING) WITH YOU!!

(Curtain closes)

GUYS ARE GOOD AT NAKED TALKING…WHICH MEANS?

SO the goal of the good couple talk or effective marital communication is to have a good, two-way talk romp that is satisfying to both talk partners. Talk that is open, honest, tell-all-hide-nothing truce, emotionally genuine, mature and non-blaming, vulnerabilities are safely aired, trust in the truth is high, put downs are rare, both parties learn something new about self and other and continue growing and changing…and everyone feels pretty good afterwards.

An effective couple knows “IF you don’t have anything nice to say…It’s best to say anything honest that move talks forward!” Good talking releases tensions in couples, and saves them a visit to the divorce courtroom time and time again.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist that believes a great deal of defensive non-talking is a lack of commitment to The Relationship Rules of Positive Talking that couples thrive on when used. These “talk rules of engagement” reduce the chances that you or your partner will be curt, defensive, avoiding, silent, disrespectful, blaming, blow you off splitting the two of you apart, withholding, lying and distorting, avoiding commiting to good talking, fearful, sullen, a poutercrat, counter-defensively angry, name calling, distracting, off putting, resentful, shut down, walled off, driven up a wall, up a creek without a paddle, retreat to a dank cave, walk on a tightrope with fire on one side and ice on the other, in a tizzy, whew!! and all that other relationship jazz that has as its core purpose the disguising of emotions instead of disclosing them openly to a trusted partner. Dennis’ book on useful communication strategies is called TALK TO ME. (The title isn’t YOU HAVE TO TALK TO ME…OR ELSE.) He believes that good talk is an act of social intercourse that works best when men are put in the mood to talk, and using “talk foreplay” to slowly build up to the main act that should be a satisfying interplay to both parties.

Why No One Has Ever Died Of A Positive Attitude

It’s truly amazing how reliably you and I can get ourselves all riled up with nowhere useful to go! With all the mental work we put into feeling rotten and feeling bad, you’d think a person could die of a positive attitude.

Fat chance. No one has ever died of a positive attitude that I know of. But I DO know that focusing on a rotten attitude can make a downhill slide even slippier, or a downward cycle even more dizzying.

WHEN AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED, TRY, TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT

Juicing up your attitude is possible IF you’d like to. All you need is four minutes a day to use this basic change rule: “When at first you don’t succeed, try, try something DIFFERENT!” Four minutes a day to keep your attitude UP. What have you got to lose? You make time for whatever is important to you.

Here are six simple ways to keep your attitude UP when you feel knocked down and facing dreadful odds:

1. Fear NOT!
Change Rules: Fear (or any negative emotion) is a state of mind that you can feed or starve. Feeling at ease in your skin develops from the confidence that comes when you starve your fear and focus on hope and positive emotions instead.
Example: Post a sign on your computer screen that says: “There is nothing to fear…including fear itself!” Or “I may NOT be flawless BUT I am fearless!”

2. Change experts don’t look a gift horse in the mouth and then pull its teeth.
Change Rules: Look for and listen to “gold” advice (no matter what its source) that you can mine to succeed, especially when you are feeling frustrated or hopeless.
Example: Accept pearls of wisdom by jotting them down in a “Bright Ideas” file. You’ll be surprised how quickly your deposits multiply in interest.

3. Go the extra (S)mile.
Change Rules: Go the extra mile and smile sincerely at everyone you come into contact with. Smiling sends the message to your inner mind (and outer world) that you’re open to change…you like people…you have confidence in life…and you strive to like yourself even when you feel cut down. By smiling, you live in a worry-free present moment in which “Change Happens!”
Example: When you feel control has been lost, simply act as if you’re a positive person. Don’t know how? Read a book or Internet site on change management, anger (stress) education or communication skills for four minutes TODAY.

4. Dare to CARE.
Change Rules: Dare to give a care. Dare to care about YOU. Dare to care about others who care about YOU. Dare to care about yourself when you can’t keep yourself from self-doubting, self-cutting, self-downing, self-frowning or self-fuming. Angering or badgering yourself isn’t useful.
Example: Practice doing what works. Title your e-mail messages to both emphasize the positive and delete the negative, such as: “Procrastinate NOW!” “Keep your nose to the grin(d)stone!” “When at first you don’t succeed…do something different!”

5. Be a lighthouse beacon of positive energy.
Change Rules: Be a beacon of positive energy during foggy times so the ship of your dreams won’t crash against sharp rocks of resentment. Ineffectively shutting down talks, deflating a good mood, erecting a resentment wall to hide behind, or feeling chronically upset all of the time means you’re picking up and carrying anger baggage that doesn’t belong to you.
Example: Close off your energy to negative people who are suckling off your caring energy, by saying in-loud to yourself: “IT’S NOT MY STUFF!”

6. Avoid “IT made me do IT!” cynicism.
Change Rules: Do not absorb the negative energy of cynical contrarians. If you do, your chances to excel at the change race will be cut off at the knees.
Example: Use reverse psychology. Change your “IT MADE ME…” passive language into more assertive “I CHOOSE…” language. Ready or not, here comes change: Turn around “IT gets me down!” to “I get myself down!” Likewise, “IT’s just not fair!” becomes “I’m not fair!” Feel the empowering difference?

THE SHAME-AND-BLAME GAME IS LAME

Playing the shame-and-blame game is an inhibiting force because when you play, you adopt the negative opinions of someone else who’s dropping guilt bombs on you. Your feelings don’t have to have the final say about your day. Not without your consent.
Talk UP to yourself when you feel down…or at any time. It won’t kill you!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Clinical Professor at the Wright State University School of Professional Psychology and a communications keynote speaker and relationship coach from Dayton, Ohio. Dennis is the author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.

Touch Today

Normal folks know that touch isn’t supposed to hurt but help. There’s something comforting and validating about appropriate adult-to-adult touch of a genuine nature…it says more than words can say sometimes. It’s not a crime to touch people in caring and positive ways that are meant to foster relationship connection vs. disconnection…especially when we tire of the struggle of solving problems that come one after the other. Will you shy away from warm appropriate touch because of all the “hands off” messages most of us are receiving today?

DO EMPATHIZER COMMUNICATORS TOUCH MORE OFTEN THAN INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATORS?

Do people touch differently based on their communicator type? Yes, they do, Frodo! Empathizers (E-types) use touch to display affection…while Instigators (I-types) use touch to restore order. E-types touch as a way of saying, “I care about you as a person.” I-types touch as way of saying, “I believe you can do it.” Either way, non-verbal touch sends a powerful and positive message when used effectively and comfortably to energize relationships vs. manipulate people.

THE POSITIVE TALK OF TOUCH

Here’s my list for you and yours to focus on the remarkable healing powers of “touch talk” that wise communicators DO so well without realizing it:

1. SHAKE HANDS WITH FEELING. Pay attention to the next hand you grab … feel the warmth of the soul that resides in that skin.

2. TENDER TOUCH. When you finish a business meeting with someone little or big… just lightly touch the persons’ forearm as you smile wide and say adieu.

3. DON’T ACT AGGRAVATED WHEN YOUR PARTNER HUGS YOU. Better yet…go over and hug your partner compassionately…your partner won’t end up in the emergency room from shock, will he/she?

4. DRAG A COMB ACROSS YOUR HEAD? Make this a “be kind to my face” day when you go about grooming…comb your hair with sincere appreciation for having any hair at all to comb and shave with a little long, lost empathy added in.

5. SLAP A BACK. Slap a back out of sheer joy for knowing someone you feel close enough to do just that…not as a power statement of rank you Instigator (I-type) communicators!

6. TOUCH-O-MATIC. Let me state the obvious now: Stop making touch(ing) or not touch(ing) an automatic reflex that is meaningless.

7. LONELINESS. Do you concur with me that the depth or lack of emotional appreciation in our interpersonal world is SO deep and profound that a little touching works wonders?

8. INTERACTIONAL PHYSIOEMOTIONAL INTIMACY. I just thought such a “brainy” sentence sounded really good (Hi, my dear I-types!) but the rule is that physical closeness begets emotional connection which forms a circle of growing emotional closeness…and so on. Scooby, dooby-do. Sexual intimacy is of a different ilk altogether.

9. THE EMOTIONAL RACK. Couples who don’t talk…couples who don’t touch…couples who don’t feel close…couples who don’t engage in sexual interplay…couples who are dulled by all work and no play…are stretched on an emotional rack and drying out and dying inside. Why should that include you?

10. USE VOICE TONE TOUCH. Leave voice mails that reach through the lines and “touch” the listener with a good feeling or a smile or a simple chuckle. You can do it!

PLANET TOUCH

We’re all pretty lonely, anxious and scared on Planet Touch. I know I am and I’ve got it all! Sometimes, a simple touch confirms what we all need to know, namely, that we aren’t ALL alone and lost in an overwhelming world of emotions that we want to run away from and use anything as an escape. But are you touched, or what? Make conscious touch a part of your life today.

TALK TO ME

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the grate-full author of a proven new communication theory found only in “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” Dennis is a husband, father, communications coach and a guy who can’t stop talking about the art of talking.

Spurring Yourself On To Change

A recent relationship communications client and new convert to the concept of embracing change initially had this to say about the miracle of change: “Change is a daunting task. I don’t stick through and finish things. Why can’t change be easier? I ignore problems and dig my own hole and then walk right into it. Once I’m in my hole it feels comfortable, like a foxhole in a war, so I don’t venture out of it out because I feel boxed in with fear!”

THE POWER TO CHANGE

Despite protestations to the contrary, most of the time we are our own worst enemies when it comes to change. How? We are too passive about what we have the power to change in ourselves OR we ignore the “elephant in the room” through denial (that is, until the elephant stampedes right through the garden of our status quo). Then we moan: “Oh, why does this always happen to me?”

NEW INSIGHTS POLL: HOW WELL DO YOU ACCEPT CHANGE?

Intelligent people are voting at the New Insights poll because they know their voices and opinions will be heard, counted and valued. How well do you accept change if you were given the three choices below? Do you accept change at work or home in ways that flow or block your potentials and new opportunities? Do you handle change differently in different life spheres, such as partnering vs. parenting? Do you block, deny, distort or ignore signs of fear or frustration that “it’s time for a change?” Here are my readers’ group responses to my change poll:

Choice #1: I LIKE CHANGE……..59.38%

Choice #2: I HATE CHANGE……..31.25%

Choice #3: I LOVE CHANGE….…..9.38%

If you don’t want to make it hard on yourself, be a student and professor of change for a change. One thing is certain to occur in your life…like or loathe it…CHANGE HAPPENS!

DO YOU HAVE A LIKE-HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH CHANGE?

Apparently, we have a LIKE-HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH CHANGE. Few of us “love change,” which is no surprise. People tend to LIKE the changes they can control, but they HATE the changes that are forced on them or out of their control. There are five fears to face down (Fear of Unknown, Fear of Failure, Fear of Commitment, Fear of Disapproval, Fear of Success) and five stages to travel through before you reach the city of Joy (all of this is discussed in my handbook: Taking the Fear out of Changing).

WHAT DO CHANGE EXPERTS KNOW ABOUT CHANGE THAT WE DON’T?

People who respect and learn from change are what I call “change experts.” They pay attention to the dynamics of change. Here’s what they know:

1. PEOPLE DIG THEIR OWN HOLES. Who better to dig your own hole than you? Let’s not be melodramatic, though. You dug your own hole…you walked up to your own hole that you dug…you walked right into the hole that you dug…you feel trapped at the bottom of the hole you dug…you are going to whine or complain about being in the hole that you dug…you are going to get ‘comfortable’ being in your hole…you are going to pessimistically believe that getting out of your hole will just mean that you will dig another hole a few feet away from the original hole and jump into it so why bother leaving this perfectly good hole that you’re already in?

2. MAKE ME MAD. When people consistently make you mad, then you are spurred on to change to reduce negativity and frustration.

3. IT’S YOUR FAULT. Blaming someone else (or anyone, self included) or something else for the state of your life, robs you of your personal power to change.

4. BUT I NEVER SAW IT COMING. The major symptom of the human ostrich who buries her/his head in the sand is, “Youch…I never saw it coming!” Truthfully, now, warning whistles often sound and give you a clue that change is in the winds.

5. WHAT’S MY ATTITUDE GOT TO DO WITH IT? Your positive attitude adds the “magical dust” that sprinkles your dreams with the miracle of change.

6. YOU DON’T HAVE TO CHANGE. Believing you HAVE TO change will actually cause a reverse-psychology resistant-to-change mindset…you will dig in your heels to the status quo and stubbornly refuse to move ahead, like an old mule. That’s why you often hear: “You can’t teach old mules new tricks” or “I’m too young to change.”

7. DROP OFF THE GUILT CARGO THAT CAUSES STUPOR. Feeling guilty about anything will cause you to carry old cargo that weighs down your best efforts and makes you feel like Samson…robbed of inner strength when your hair (self-esteem) is snipped, cut down or betrayed in loving relationships.

8. USE AN INNER CIRCLE OF ADVISORS. I don’t know where I would be without the “neutral input” of my inner circle of advisors who often surprise me with their advice. For example, my recent book began as a book to “bump up your mood” until one advisor suggested … “It’s not about mood…it’s about communication…and relationship communication affects mood in a major way.”

9. ARE YOU ON A DEAD RUN ALL THE TIME? If you wait UNTIL you get it all done…or you’re the perfect person…you will end up waiting until your funeral comes.

10. CALL TO CHANGE. Genuine efforts to change are made when you become “emotionally aware” that what you’re doing isn’t effective or rewarding for this stage in your life.

THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD OF CHANGE

Although you will be O.K. going down any change road you elect to go down—some roads are harder and some roads are easier. Change experts don’t mind “working in advance of rewards.” They constantly monitor the negative sides of fear and frustration to determine their impact upon their change goals. After all, change is all-ways a very personal thing…it’s your life…it’s a change world, after all.

LOOKS AS IF CHANGE IS A GOOD THING

It’s time to stop waiting for others to change what they won’t. Time to trust in the process of change, instead of fearing that change will make you a world-class clown or laughingstock. Self-dignity is respecting your needs to make your life better in caring ways through using change tools, right? Do you love change? Nah…but you CAN deal with change as positively and productively as possible to prove unconditionally that you love yourself!

TALK TO ME

Dr. Dennis O’Grady, founder of New Communications Insights, urges his readers to think about how many times a day they actually engage in change: they change clothes, change their minds, change batteries in run-down appliances and gadgets, change positions while watching TV, change their order at the lunchtime restaurant, change shoes, count change at the cashier and change their speed in accordance with traffic lights. See? Change CAN be easy! He’s also the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.”

Previous New Insights Communication polls have included “What’s The Toughest Emotion You Wrestle With?” … “Are You An Optimistic Driver On The Two-Way Communication Highway?” … “The Elephant Stampede” … “What Makes A Good Leader Great?” … “Does Your Attitude Work To Make You A Better Leader?” … “What’s Up With Your Confidence Level?” … “When You Argue, Are You Always Right?” … “Are You Shy or Stuck Up?”… “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?”

I Can’t Relax Until I Get It All Done

Do you know people who are such driven perfectionists that they’ll say things like, “I’ve got too much to do to relax!” It’s a hallmark kind of comment, one that can drive perfectionists (and those around them) nuts. And although all work and no play can turn Jack and Jill into dull adults (or kids), that doesn’t make perfectionists elsewhere stop and smell the cut grass. So many times, perfectionists are prone to say: “After I get all my work done…and get all the project monkeys off my back…THEN I can relax and enjoy myself.” Sad part is…the time to relax never comes.

EMPATHIZING WITH PERFECTIONISM

The pressure to be perfect is primarily experienced as an “infernal internal pressure to get it all done perfectly in order to live in an ideal world.” Empathizer-type communicators, especially, are plagued with pressures to be perfect…the perfect child or teen, the perfect worker, the perfect spouse, the perfect friend, the perfect lover, the perfect shopper, the perfect eater. They’re driven to have the perfect body, be the perfect catch, be the perfect church family parishioner…ah puke. In contrast, Instigator-type communicators look for shortcuts and feel that “requirements” are simply “suggestions” rather than commands or commandments. Thus, I-types will get the job done the easiest way possible. In essence, they do less but enjoy life more.

PERFECTIONISM IS PERFECTLY INSANE

That’s why I sarcastically say: “Perfectionism is perfectly insane.” As a psychologist, I hurt every time I see a wonderful human being (child, teen, adult, elder) who is draining him- or herself with excessive demands to do everything right (now, if not yesterday).

In their minds, being perfect is a constant, negative talk pattern of displeasing the self. They must do everything faster better bigger. No mistakes. No exceptions. Don’t eat to much. Don’t swear. Don’t sweat the small stuff but none of it’s small stuff. Why aren’t I sleeping better at night? Why can’t I just let it go? What’s wrong with me? Is my depression coming back? Am I going to drive people away? Why do I have to do this when other people are working less? Why is everyone else goofing off more but enjoying life to the max!

THUS, PERFECT IS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH

Perfect is NEVER enough for a perfectionist. You can always strive to be better…you CAN always be better. Ironically, the harder you try to control the world through the vehicle of perfectionism and idealism…the behinder you will get in feeling good about your life. Perfectionism keeps your mind ever busy, always thinking in dead-end circles. Perfectionism makes it hard to relax as you become more dissatisfied in your personal life, your work life, your spiritual life. When you drive to the city of Perfectionism, you can only get closer but you never arrive in a place called Peace.

SYMPTOMS OF THE PRESSURE TO BE PERFECT

How do you know if you or someone you love is being driven nuts by the unrealistic need to create a perfect world? Symptoms of the “anxious drive to be perfect” are:

1. YOU SNAP EASILY. You find yourself getting angry about small things. Petty annoyances and irritations feel big as life, driven by: “I can’t enjoy myself until I get everything out of the way!”

2. FEELING DOWN. You feel blue, de-energized, listless, drained, helplessly hoping and feel cheated of enjoyment because: “I work like crazy to get it all done and then I feel pooped.”

3. “I’M A RELATIONSHIP DOWNER!” You believe that you are a weight around the ankles of your life partner, dragging him or her down just when he/she is just trying to enjoy life in the pool of pleasure.

4. “IT’S NOT FAIR!” WOES. You feel that others are working less and getting more out of their lives…and you’re right!

5. GRUMPY ATTITUDE. You get grumpy from cracking the whip over your back, and say: “It’s just not fair that I have to have all this piled on my shoulders. Why don’t other people I know worry about the big stuff or even the little stuff like I do? What am I doing wrong?”

6. INTERPERSONAL ISOLATION. You don’t interact socially as much as you used to. Work is valued above interpersonal relationships. For example, you don’t have “time to waste” by meeting with friends or talking with them on the phone because “I’ve gotta’ go now and get some things done because I’m running behind.”

7. “I TAKE THINGS TOO PERSONALLY.” You realize that you’re taking teasing comments TOO personally, and then feel bad about feeling bad and even feel angry because: “Why don’t you/they understand me…understand the ton of pressure that’s bending me under?”

8. ON-OFF MOOD. Your mood goes up and down like a roller coaster, and others don’t ask you to do things together as often for fear of hearing, “I’d like to, but I’m too busy to.”

9. “WHY AREN’T I HAPPY LIKE I USED TO BE?” Trying hard to be perfect automatically takes a toll on all those “tiny moments of joy that make up our lifetime.” We mishear a kids’ joke and parentally scold: “We’ve got to do BETTER around here and pick up our shoes for a change!” is the reaction…instead of a spontaneous laugh.

10. ‘WHAT IFFERS’ ARE WORRIED. You’re repeatedly hearing from a wide-range of caring friends and family members: “Is everything all right? What’s wrong? You seem so tense and uptight. You’ve got to take a chill pill. Is it something I said or did…because you seem so off your game, lately!”

11. CAN’T EVER RELAX. You can’t ever seem to relax. Even when you’re “supposed to feel relaxed,” you are making plans in your head and strategizing about what next group of tasks needs to be done by you.

12. FLAKE OUT. After a self-imposed, perfectionism-driven-maniac day in which you forget to breathe…your mind melts and you “flake out” by staring at the television, doing bills, overeating, falling asleep, or shamelessly scolding yourself for not getting more done in less time.

13. HAVE-TO-ISM. “I have to work like crazy to get it all done!” And, “I’m supposed to fulfill ALL of my obligations to the best of my abilities.” Or, “If I don’t do IT then IT won’t get done.” Or, “I can’t trust anybody to come through and do as good as job as I do!”

So do you work like crazy to get it all done? Then that’s how you’ll end up…crazy with self-induced tensions.

“WHEN IT ALL GETS DONE, THEN I’LL RELAX!”

Are you lying to yourself when you promise to relax once everything gets done? No, but that simple statement is a wrinkle-faced lie because it never all gets done…closer to done maybe, but done-done? No way, Jose. Whoosh…your life is gone then and you’re filled with post-mortem regrets.

WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO IT ALL IT’S EASY TO RELAX

In your (perfect) mind, you are not over-working…you’re just working non-stop to get all the stuff done. BUT does this pressure to be perfect rob you and your relationship of enjoyment, pleasure and peace-filled existence or detract from your performance? Only if you allow your life to be driven to perfection. SO next time you say: “BUT I can’t afford to relax until I get it all done!?” remember this: You can’t afford NOT to!

DO LESS TO BE MORE

Just for today, put aside your “to do” list. Hey you, Empathizers, remember that it’s OK to “do less to be more.” And if you’re an Instigator communicator? Teach the E-types you love how not to take “assignments or requirements” as commandments that they must fulfill for fear of falling into the great abyss. Short story: Ask an E-type what you can do to help him/her out of stress and into relaxation today.

TALK TO ME

Dr. Dennis O’Grady thinks it’s perfectly OK to be self-critical enough to figure out if you are a perfectionist (and if so, chill out for a day, just to see what it’s like!). He’s the author of Talk to Me: Communications Moves to Get Along With Anyone and founder of New Insights Communication in Dayton, Ohio.