All posts by : Dr. Dennis O'Grady

The Midnight Cowboy movie song lyrics, “Everybody’s talkin’ at me…I don’t hear a word they’re saying…!” doesn’t have to be your theme song as you stand alone at the end of the communicator dance. Most of us “shut up and shut down” or don’t express our inner selves because we believe that no one truly wants to hear what we think or feel anyway. That leaves us feeling disconnected, mad, hurt and disappointed, lonesome, alone, discouraged and filled to the gills with “Why even try!” negativism.

TALKING FACILITATES (NOT INHIBITS) UNDERSTANDING

Talking is supposed to facilitate, not inhibit, the open expression of your authentic inner self. You aren’t talked to but talked with. At the end of an effective, interactive talk, you’ve learned something new about yourself and your co-communicator, something that you can put to use to strengthen your relational bond. And you start feeling confident as you have a string of talk successes behind you.

HOW TO CREATE TALKS THAT WORK?

Here’s how to create talks that work and keep your head from spinning ‘round and ‘round:

1. Focus on one talk target. Talk Rule: Before you attempt to talk, tell yourself what the single goal is in order to keep the conversation simple and focused. Talk Time: “My goal is to talk about why I haven’t been talking much lately.”

2. Ask for talk time. Talk Rule: It’s not good manners to assume that someone is instantly available to talk to you. Talk Time: “Is this a bad (O.K.) time to talk?” If so, “When would be a better time for us to talk?”

3. Read the talk headline. Talk Rule: Calmly state the topic of talking in a “headliner” fashion that announces the big story. Talk Time: “I would like to talk to you about _____ (the kid’s grades). Would you be up for it?”

4. Take off change pressure. Talk Rule: Take the pressure off from you and your co-communicator to fix a problem prematurely. Talk Time: “This problem doesn’t need to be fixed right now.” Or, “I just want to brainstorm options to better understand what’s going on here.”

5. Parrot back. Talk Rule: Agree that the core message has been accurately heard in spite of disagreement. Talk Time: “I am hearing you say _____. Is that correct?” Or, “What are you hearing me say?”

6. Plug in. Talk Rule: Live by, “Honesty is the best policy.” Talk Time: “I don’t think I’m being honest with you.” Or, “I believe if I honestly tell you how I think or feel, you will tell me to ‘Shut up!’”

7. A win for all. Talk Rule: Suspend or postpone your talks when they become competitive tug-of-wars or inhibiting debates. Talk Time: “Endless debating won’t help either one of us.” Or, “A tug-of-war isn’t what we need right now.” Better is, “Let’s stop talking for now but keep being nurturing one another until we figure this out.”

8. Don’t throw sticks or stones. Talk Rule: Being a communication bully gets you nowhere when you get things off your chest but hurt your listener. Talk Time: “I don’t think I can control my temper. I need to walk away and cool off. Is that O.K. with you?”

9. Keep your head on. Talk Rule: When your head starts spinning from the speed of back-and-forth talking, slow down the train and think about what you are thinking and feeling. Talk Time: “My mind is racing so I need to slow down and think for a minute.” Or, “I’m feeling like we’re getting off track.”

10. Say, “Erase that.” Talk Rule: When your anxieties run high during tense talks, and you say something stupid, you can take back what you just said by saying, “Erase that! I want to take back what I just said.” Talk Time: “Erase what I just said. I spoke out of line and I didn’t really mean it.”

11. Brainstorm. Talk Rule: Brainstorm new options or ways of looking at stressful situations or difficult emotions and discourage lazy talk habits. Talk Time: “If we couldn’t fail, what would we do differently about this problem?” Or, “Let’s not put down any new ideas about change and keep our minds open.”

12. Grow it forward. Talk Rule: The payoff of effective talking is personal growth that makes room in relationships for the fresh air and sunshine of new insights. Talk Time: “What have we learned here that we can put to good use in the future?” Or, “How have we succeeded in little ways to strengthen our bond?”

TALKING ISN’T DUMPING FEELINGS

Talking doesn’t mean placing blame, making excuses or running away and hiding. Constructive talking means walking in the moccasins of a partner for a few miles.
There’s got to be a better way to talk—and a better relationship day to enjoy. Talk to win understanding. Talk NOW.

TALK TO ME

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a keynote speaker and an executive-relationship coach, and the developer of a proven new communication theory found only in “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” Dennis is a husband, father, communications coach and a guy who can’t stop talking about the art of talking.

“I can’t believe you said that!” is the rallying cry of shocked Instigator-type (I-type) communicators who hear something coming out of YOUR mouth that doesn’t fit THEIR world view of what YOU’RE supposed to be saying, doing or being.

Empathizer-type communicators (E-type), on the other hand, are more likely to respond with, “You hurt me when you said that!” when they hear something coming out of YOUR mouth that stings or sticks in THEIR mind like a harpoon in the soft underbelly of a whale. Both spoken transactions imply that the receiver has unwittingly blown up the relationship bridge of the speaker without intending to…and so the speaker should apologize and get busy fixing the problem.

YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME

Instigators or I-types listen with a mission in mind. When I ask I-types in my communications classes and case studies what their mind is doing during a heated discussion: “I’m readying my next counter-argument because I know I’m right and I’ve got to stand up for my position.”

And when I ask Empathizers or E-types what they’re doing during a heated discussion: “I’m trying to steady my nerves and not feel too hurt so I can come back and calmly state my point.” Which one are you…and E- or I-type communicator? Which one is your partner?

LISTENING WITH THREE EARS

My Talk to Me relationship approach builds new communication patterns, and I show how E-types therefore listen with “three ears” and I-types listen with “one ear.” What do I mean by this? E-types are both listening to the “spoken message” and the “implied message” and sorting like crazy. I-types listen with “one ear to steer the conversation in the direction they think it should go.” Neither type is better or worse, since both approaches work well at different times. E-types would do better if they stuffed cotton in their ears when “me-bad songs” are sung until their head hangs down.

THE MIRACLE OF CLOSING COMMUNICATION GAPS

When I drive on a one-way street of talking, or allow someone to steer me down dark avenues, it’s a miracle that any of us can find our way or even try to talk at all! In fact, words have been so altered, watered down and distorted to be devoid or empty of true meaning too many times. On the other hand, we all must resort to words in order to “problem-solve” and “people connect,” which is what we say we’re all about.

BRIDGING COMMUNICATION GAPS

Words form the bricks of the bridges that are needed to cross from one side of a talk canyon to the other side. Here’s how to bridge communication gaps when you hear “I can’t believe you said that!”

1. SLOW DOWN WHEN OTHERS MOVE TOO FAST. When your pulse rate quickens, remind yourself: “I can’t control what others say about me to ME! BUT I don’t have to agree or soak up those negative vibes, either.” And, “I can respond assertively instead of react defensively like I’ve learned to do from Dennis’ TTM approach.”

2. DO A START-OVER? If someone constantly hurts you or gets on your nerves, such as your mom or sister, dad or brother, partner or lover, should you forgive and forget and move on? Absolutely, do NOT pass that go UNLESS the “offensive talk driver” suggests: “Let’s do a start-over. I was in a crummy mood and blew IT and that’s my fault. I’m truly sorry. Can we start over?”

3. MINE FAILURES OR MIND FAILURES? Why give a second thought to the “kernel of truth” of cheap shots about your sterling character? It’s just off-the-cuff chattering from a chatterbox, anyway! Failing to communicate positively with yourself? Then dig down deep to mine the gold ore of the “core lessons” that only failure can teach you. Example: Must you always be SO predictable?

4. “IT’S WHAT YOU LEARN AFTER YOU KNOW IT ALL!” When you agree to take seriously the stupid comments of a know-it-all, you will become a know-it-little in no time at all. Coach “Saint” John Wooden, winner of 9 collegiate NCAA championships, downsized tall and strapping egos when he practiced: “It’s what you learn after you know it all!”

5. KNOW (NO) REGRETS. Although it’s regrettable that people can’t or won’t get along with you, or people might speak or react negatively to what you do that is really good for you to do, do what’s good for YOU, anyway. You will know regrets BUT STAND for a life of no regrets…no excuses…no resentments…no lame blame games…no “they wouldn’t let me.”

6. PROBLEM-SOLVE DON’T PERSON-SOLVE. Your Achilles Heel might be that you care too much. You care to understand…you care to hang in there during tough times…you care to help people who act greedy…you care to be a good Christian or Jew even when you’re getting “evil looks.” Generally speaking, focus your mission of solving problems instead of changing people who are always “right.”

7. SHINE THE LIGHT. I know you feel wounded and in a dark cave all alone and pushed outside the group too often. Keep the faith and hope alive! You have a flashlight in your hand with TTM…turn on your flashlight…shine the light around in that dank cave…look for the “exit” sign and get going in new talk directions.

8. SPINUNICATION. Stop being SO-o nice. Stop listening to all the “spin” monkeys who tell you if you don’t think “we’re right and if you don’t agree you will go down on a fast escalator to Hell.” SO why let your mind to be “spun around” in a thousand directions by fast-talkers? Stick to the truth of your experience that you know to be so.

9. USE YOUR JOY STICK. Communication is a series of “in-flight course corrections,” similar to the right and left ailerons on the outside of the plane wing that you see go up and down when you fly on vacation. Your primary job is to be the pilot of the plane of your own life! Do not permit hijackers aboard. When detractors speak rigidly of your life course or mission, cry a little but say goodbye a lot.

COMMUNICATION VS. SPIN-UNICATION

Communication is either a one-way or a two-way talk street. You can only sweep up and take care of the side of the talk street you walk on. You can’t walk on two sides of the street at the same time. I suggest you more often confront the ridiculous statements that strong-willed Instigator communicators make to you genteel Empathizer communicators that SO-o intimidate you. Stop shaking in your boots! Otherwise, not much change is going to happen in your world of talk “as the world spins.”

LIFE IS SERIOUSLY FUNNY

Stick to the truth that you know, and you won’t lose. Keep your mind open to the positive…close your mind to the negative. Do the new…be afraid of comfort zones that make you feel smug, glum, numb. And by all means, celebrate your life today. Laugh! Life is seriously funny! And remember that 83% of the time, you have the gold opportunity to talk positively to yourself inside your own skull!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady, author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone, likes to think of himself as a communication aileron, constantly nudging people this way and that to get them moving in the right direction.

Are you a woman who negatively talks to her “inner-personal self” about how chicken men are nowadays to make emotional commitments to women who are gorgeous inside and out? Whoa…go easy. Talking negatively about untrustworthy men inside your skull (or out loud with gal pals) can attract the very type of man you don’t need or want in your life. It’s easy to tell if a man is “ambivalent” about having “a serious relationship” with a good woman. Isn’t it?

THE “COMMITMENT AMBIVALENCE” RED FLAG

It doesn’t take a fancy 100 question interview to determine if a man is open to loving and being loved in a mature way. Well then how? ONE HUGE relationship red flag will wave in front of your face when a man fears or avoids making an emotional commitment to you. It’s nothing personal. Most of us guys simply aren’t much interested in lies, deceit and control…it takes too much work.

Here’s what makes a man or any person “afraid” of commitment and thus untrustworthy:

• People (men or women) who blame others for their life mistakes aren’t trustworthy.
• People (men or women) who don’t blame others for their life mistakes are trustworthy.
• People (men or women) who change a situation instead of trying to change a person are more trustworthy.
• People (men or women) who don’t keep their word aren’t trustworthy.
• People (men or women) who don’t keep it simple aren’t trustworthy.
• People (men or women) who have “mommy” or “daddy” hang-ups aren’t trustworthy.

WATCH OUT FOR THE LAME BLAMER

If a potential partner is a “lame blamer,” then you will be blamed for your partner’s inadequacy or unwillingness to make a commitment. Carrying that blame makes it difficult to stick through the tough times every loving couple travels to over time.

WHAT COMPRISES HEALTHY COMMITMENT TO A POSITIVE RELATIONSHIP?

Do you blame guys for your relationship goofs, mistakes, blunders or failures? Of course you don’t! Let’s talk positively for a change of pace. You’ve got nothing to worry about when it comes to finding the love of your life.

1. LET’S TALK. Serious talks aren’t opposed or feared

2. BE HONEST. Honesty at all times…white lies are still lies

3. TRUE LOVE. True love…not true love of the benefit package

4. PROBLEMS SOLVED. Problem-solving…what works is used and what doesn’t work is discontinued

5. RAUCOUS SEX. Enjoying raucous sex…private sexual thrills are promoted

6. PERSONAL GROWTH. Growing together…change is embraced not feared

7. OPTIMISTIC. The “glass is full to overflowing” attitude…focusing on partner strengths instead of critiques

8. GOD-LOVING. Centering of self in the higher layers of life

9. FAIR PLAY. Fairness…fair and rational “fighting” is used that doesn’t include paybacks

10. RESPONSE-ABILITY. Negative lectures or guilt trips aren’t used to bludgeon a partner into compliance

11. TALKING POSITIVELY. Anxieties are largely corrected first inside the skull of the individual by using positive talk tools

12. TALK TO A KID TODAY. Kid-focused…children are seen as emotional relationships, not difficult projects

13. PET LOVERS. Likes pets…a friendly attitude toward pets and “talking with” the family pet

14. ASSERTIVE. Leader…is a positive leader of own life

TRUE LOVE VS. LOVING WHAT SOMEONE CAN DO FOR YOU

Commitment talk and true commitment hinge on trustworthiness. For a change, consider matching with a communicator type exactly like your own. If you’re an Empathizer…date trustworthy like-minded Empathizer communicators. If you’re an Instigator…date trustworthy like-minded Instigator communicators.That’s not so hard, is it?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady has frequently been seen talking to his dog, Sierra, so he definitely fits some of the criteria needed for a positive relationship. He usually talks to the pooch positively, assertively and with true love, which covers at least four more qualities. He’s the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Alone With Anyone” and founder of New Insights Communication in Dayton, OH.