You Don’t Think Of Anybody But Yourself

Here’s a guilt trip guaranteed to work almost every time on an Empathizer-type (E-type) communicator: “You don’t think of anybody but yourself!” Another one that pushes the guilt button is, “Why do you have to always be SO selfish?!” E-types actually feel bad when the good they’re doing for themselves isn’t approved of by a partner! Go figure! On the other side of the talk street, Instigator communicators don’t feel selfish about “taking care of yourself” when they do good things for ME-self. E-types, you’re being too sensitive.

DO YOU FEEL GUILTY WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR YOURSELF?

Empathizer-type communicators will try hard to please others, and try EVEN harder to make everyone happy. The result? The “nice E-type guy or gal” finishes last in happiness but first in pain and suffering. E-types don’t know when to quit while they’re behind, and will beat their talk heads against a rock wall of resentments. I-types won’t stand for it, and push to achieve their personal goals even when they get flak. Instigators developed the “flak jacket.”

ARE YOU TOO SENSITIVE ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK OF YOUR LIFE CHOICES?

E-types are pleasers at heart. They shouldn’t try so hard to “be good enough” or be a perfect-pleasing pleaser in ALL their relationships. Empathizer communicators stand glum with their emotional backs in a corner and their minds numb, while Instigator communicators aren’t about to allow anyone to control their minds or make them feel bad for long.

HOW TO NOT FEEL BAD WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR YOURSELF

It’s up to you to be the leader of your own life. You aren’t in this world to make others happy…they’ve got to do that job all by their lonesome(s). Your job is to enjoy and experience the time you have on this spirit-spinning planet. How to do something good for yourself instead of feel bad:

1. THINK AGAIN. “You don’t think of anybody but yourself!” is a bold-faced lie. The reason an I-type guilt-trips you with this is because it works to shut you down and make you more controllable.

2. LAY DOWN LIES. Lies repeated become warped truths. If you’ve heard 100 times that you’re selfish, you will check into yourself to “see” if there’s any truth to it. Enough repetition makes you think the thought yourself—true or not.

3. GUILT RIPS OUT YOUR VOCAL CORDS. Guilt makes you feel action-arthritic. Guilt trips slow you down because guilt and shame make you ashamed to feel happy and self-satisfied.

4. BE A PROMOTER OF HEALTHY SELFISHNESS. Healthy selfishness is real. Honestly, every behavior ought to include a mixture of selflessness and selfishness…it should be good for you and me and almost everyone else, too.

5. THE SHAME AND BLAME GAME IS LAME. Kick the “shame on you” critical parent trap. When you felt vulnerable as a kid, shaming guilt trips always made you tow the line and be a smiley-child who couldn’t be true to the genuine self. It’s okay NOT to do that as an adult.

6. DON’T BE A BELIEVER. Why do you believe bold-faced lies? If you’re an Empathizer, the criticism aimed at you is often far truer of the person flinging the criticism. Ah, how insane the art of projecting our problems into someone else’s mind to solve.

7. USE HEALTHY ANGER. Controllers seek the power of controlling your time and life. Plenty of power-hungry people would love for you to be a carbon copy of them. How’s that for Excessive Self-Esteem!

8. LET ANGER ATTACKS FLY RIGHT BY YOU. Anger intimidation via “anger attacks” are the biggest reason you back off from taking care of yourself. If I can make your skin crawl by being rude, crude and lewd and I learn that’s the way to get my way…well, I’m going to let fly a razor-sharp “anger attack” boomerang. Angry disapproval is a passive-aggressive payback of the worst kind.

9. SHYING AWAY FROM CONFLICT. It’s easier to do or say nothin’ and stay stuck in your corner? Yeah, in the short term, until you get fed up with being sick and tired. Change requires using a new map of travel. Long-term, it’s a trip worth taking, but it those first few steps feel awful on your “communicating positively and effectively” journey. Don’t turn back.

10. PLACATE NO MORE. Empathizers (E-types) will please others and try to make them happy, until the “nice guy or gal” finishes last in happiness but first in pain. No one wins in that race.

GET OVER THE GUILT COMPLEX

Shoot, my dear E-types…you’ve been slammed all your life for being “too sensitive.” Yeah, it’s hard to make a decision that makes you feel happy if it makes your partner feel all grumpy, dumpy, give the evil eye and act all unhappy…like it’s your fault and shame on you for being so mean. DO the new, anyway! You know how to “mean what you say without being mean,” for gosh sakes. If you don’t protect your energy, literally, the life energy will be sucked right out of you and your positive change goals will be strangled to death!

IF YOU DON’T THINK OF ANYBODY ELSE…WHY NOT THINK OF YOURSELF?

If you’re going to be blamed and shamed for doing something good for yourself anyway, why not do something good for yourself, today? Enough already of chomping on the guilt-laden manure sandwich that you’ve been handed and told is a tasty bolgna sandwich. That’s pure baloney! Why allow your mind to be jammed-packed with guilt explosives of the “You just think about yourself” kind anymore. Can I hear a “Me-First” for a change of assertive talk scenery? You have nothing to feel guilty for…not even feeling guilty for not being able to stand up for yourself and take charge. If you don’t think of anybody else—think of yourself first.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady, founder of New Insights Communication and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone,” prefers Big Macs and Quarter Pounders with cheese, not manure sandwiches, at the communication table of life.

Talk To Her

When I was in Madrid on my honeymoon some decades ago, my new bride and I had ringside seats as we viewed a “real” bullfight. The bulls came into the ring all pumped up and proud, strutting and stomping and looking strong and powerful…for a little while. Then their neck muscles were cut to weaken them, as the Matadors colorfully glided in, and the bloody “fight” would begin. Little by little as little cuts added up, the bull lost the energy to fight and the will to live. Today, it reminds me of how sensitive guys and gals sometimes feel like the “bull” and the “more insensitive” partner is the “Matador” who has the advantage.

THE LOVE FIESTA

So if you’re a sensitive guy, how are supposed to get your point across to the woman in your life without finding yourself in the middle of a an unfair fight? We all know that shutting up, shutting down, acting like a clown, feeling down but acting proud or allowing your partner to be the dark cloud that rains on your love fiesta is preposterous. BUT being the mighty bull in the small bullfight ring is not a very good or smart thing for your emotional and physical health, either.

BUT HOW DO I GET ACROSS TO HER…INSTEAD OF SLING BULL AROUND?

Most of the good guys I work with as a personal relationship communications coach really DO want to communicate effectively with their lovers and partners. The problem: We guys don’t see the logic in any talks that end up in a big brawl. We don’t like having our luggage packed, sitting out on the doorstep. We don’t like guilt trips, turned backs and frowns that make our skin crawl. No bull: If my talking hurts my partner so much, we’re not stupid and I get this message: “Don’t bother talking to your partner and telling him/her what you really think and feel, because you are going to become the bull against the bullfighter and you, guy, are bound to lose!”

TALK TO HER USING THE “TALK TO ME” COMMUNICATION SYSTEM

Good talk is a combination of faith and reason…emotions and logic…exploring and staying focused…communicating effectively and positively using my pretty-darn-easy-to-learn communication system in my book “Talk to Me.” Hey, gals…do you really want to hear what your guy thinks and feels? Oh, really? Then when you and your man use the TTM communication system, what is required of the TWO of you?

  • Good talking requires you to have faith that your partner will listen
  • Positive talking requires trust that your true words won’t be filtered or distorted by a moody partner
  • Effective communication requires faith that the co-communicator will be changed by what s/he hears
  • Open talks requires that a rational discussion can ensure without “anger attacks”
  • Two-way talks require that getting MY point of view across is LESS important than understanding YOUR viewpoint
  • Clear communication channels require that emotional bullying of a partner is not tolerated

So…do you have what it takes to have two-way talks? I bet you do. Having repeated emotional fights cuts love to the bone … since it drives you and your lover to a town called Alone Nowhere.

FOR GUYS ONLY: USING A POSITIVE TALK ATTITUDE IN THE BULLRING

Loads of guys are sensitive…too sensitive for their own good because they try too hard not to hurt anyone’s feelings! Hey, you Empathizer-type guys (and gals), here’s a quick list of how to talk positively with your partner who may be an Instigator-type communicator. You can turn off the negative talking that is SO rampant nowadays and complained about on all the “shout-talk shows”:

1. ‘FEAR NOT’ BEING DISAPPROVED OF. Stop being intimidated by your co-talker when s/he comes across strong emotionally to get his/her way at the expense of good communication.

2. MAKE YOURSELF TEARPROOF. Tears are just healing water. Don’t shut up when your partner cries because s/he is probably mostly mad at you, anyway.

3. FEELING PILED ON? Don’t “dumb down” and “act passive” like you don’t care (when you really do) simply to avoid discussing provocative ideas.

4. AVOIDING CONFLICT CAUSES CONFLICT. Yes, you’re mega-tough and don’t need much to get along if the costs are too high. I know you can go without, and often do. But “stuffing feelings” will make you a packhorse instead of a person.

5. SAY WHAT YOU MEAN, WITHOUT BEING MEAN. Difficult to do I know, because your partner is awfully good at making you feel guilty, allegedly because you’re “talking down to me and being pretty mean.”

6. GROW DOWN. You and your partner are never “done” listening or so “grown up” that you can stop thinking and start lecturing.

7. BEING RIGHT IS WRONG. Being rigid about who’s right and who’s wrong (the blame game) is wrong for emotional closeness and lasting love and works that last a lifetime.

8. RECOGNIZE WHEN YOUR CLOSED-DOWN TALKING STYLE IS THE PROBLEM. “It’s not always about you…sweetheart!” You can’t solve problems or improve a situation when everyone gets a bad attitude from good talks.

9. STOP TRYING SO HARD TO CHANGE YOUR TALK COHORT. Let go of trying to make a co-communicator “see and hear” what you have to say. Instead, focus on changing (opening) your mind about what you’re willing to take in the relationship.

10. REDIRECT WHEN YOU RAISE YOUR VOICE OR INTERRUPT. Have one of your goals not to raise your voice or interrupt. Also when your partner gets loud, say: “I can listen better to what you’re saying if you don’t interrupt or talk too loud.”

Well, you may ask, “What’s the point of doing what works. It takes so much time and discipline and it’s hard for me to be so emotionally controlled?!” Well, it sure beats the alternative of relationship failure.

BULLS LOSE IN BULLFIGHTS

As I recall of that bloody night in Madrid, no bull left the ring alive. All were dragged out of the ring by a rope and a horse. Sure, I felt a little better about the ordeal when I learned that the meat is donated to hungry children, but I had to walk miles back to the hotel to “cool down” from that night when it rained blood. Tragically, unfair, bad-talk, bad-habit fights in your relationship are the same way, guys and gals. If you don’t use positive talk tools…you will not come out of the battle alive…no matter how strong and proud you are.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is definitely pleased that he specialized in communications psychology instead of bullfighting, because life has been much more pleasant because of his career choice three decades ago. He’s the founder of New Insights Communication in Dayton and author of “Talk To Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone.” Bravo!

Women Who Are Mad At Men Who Don’t Commit

Alright, I’ve got to be honest with you here. I really love the women who jab me by asking bluntly: “Why can’t men commit to a new and improved romantic relationship? Are they burned out, resentment riddled, too scared to commit, spineless cowards or just too plain dumb to go on with love?” Well, perhaps I’m exaggerating here a little bit (which I’m prone to do when women get all riled up about my gender) BUT let’s all talk about the complex and sensitive topic of “men who are afraid to commit.” SO IF you’re having trouble “getting” a “man” to “commit”…then you are probably failing to see the forest for the trees. What do I mean this?

IS YOUR GUY AN EMPATHIZER OR INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATOR?

I’m not suggesting that guys are dull cattle or mindless sheep who just need to be lassoed, herded or coaxed into the corral (and then branded with your initials). Far from it…because you can’t control (or buy) love. In fact, I’m saying that one size does not fit all, communicator-wise. Get ready, because help is on the way when you use my communication system to understand the opposite sex.

First, do you know the communicator type (not personality) of your guy? Not sure? If not, you won’t be able to figure out the “commitment puzzle” or be able to “predict” a guy’s level of emotional commitment and interpersonal trustworthiness.

WHILE YOU’RE AT IT…LET’S TEST YOUR TYPE INSTEAD OF FRETTING

If you don’t know the communicator type of your guy, chances are you will be chronically frustrated through no fault of your own! So what type of communicator are you or your guy? Are you (or is he) more sensitive and tuned in to others? Are you more insensitive and tuned in to yourself? Is he? I’m bettin’ that you are an Empathizer-type communicator—someone who is interpersonally trustworthy and aware.

Yeah, so…the bad news here is? Be-aware: An Instigator communicator can make your head spin and “make you” try too hard, when in reality you might be better off accepting the loss of “this isn’t working” and moving on down the road because you are the true leader of your own life.

MORE ABOUT COMMITMENT AND COMMUNICATOR TYPE

SO don’t let yourself be led around like a goat on a rope! Know your communicator type and who you’re talking to by type to spare your energy and steer clear of bad, bad vibrations! Must know communicator facts:

1. If your guy is an Empathizer-type communicator or E-type guy, then he will commit too easily or quickly and have difficulty letting go of relationships that aren’t good for him. Ergo the muse: “Why are all the good guys taken?”

2. If your fella’ is an Instigator-type communicator or I-type guy, then he will keep you guessing as to where the relationship is going in order to have more interpersonal power and control. Ergo the muse: “Why are guys so afraid to commit to a good gal with lots on the ball?”

Knowing this kind of information is just the beginning of finding new answers that address and resolve old frustrations and frustrating relationship patterns. In fact, your mood…personal energy in spite of stress…and positively optimistic attitude will likely improve 66% when you use the principles in “Talk to Me.”

FIND OUT IF YOUR GUY IS WORTH COMMITING TO

The whole shootin’ match of a positive relationship worth having hinges on TRUSTWORTHINESS—the man does not lay blame on any person for the state of his life AT ALL. As a professional psychologist and man, in my opinion as a man I am worth committing to and/or seeking a commitment from IF:

1. I don’t blame others for my woes

2. I don’t carry around old resentment baggage about anything

3. I’m not angry at the opposite sex or have an ax to grind

4. I am trustworthy…I do what I say I’m going to do when I tell you I will

5. I don’t make “poor me” or “please feel sorry for me” whiny-baby excuses

6. I don’t keep you guessing about where my true commitments lie today

7. I work on my own personal growth on a daily basis

So, if I do have ANY of these “personal issues,” then let me go. If you know what’s good for you and your self-esteem!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady knows his communicator and the types of just about everyone he comes in contact with, because he’s dedicated his career to putting his ideas into action. Find those ideas in his latest book available only at this site, “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone.”

Are You An Optimistic Driver On The Two-Way Communication Highway?

Positive communicators are optimistic drivers on a two-way communication highway. Their way is only one among many to travel. In contrast, negative communicators are closed-minded drivers on a one-way communication highway. Their way is the ONLY way (and they’re happy to tell you so).

How would you rate your communication skills? When the heat is on, do you rate yourself as a “bad” communicator…a “good” communicator…or a “great” communicator? Positive communicators (whether Empathizer or Instigator communicators) realize that what they feel, think, do and say REALLY matters. Talk isn’t cheap. It’s a vital investment in solving pesky people problems to get where all in the talk car need to go.

NEW INSIGHTS COMMUNICATION POLL

Self-opinions can be flattering or self-defeating. In fact, they can either be accurate or inaccurate. Often, how you think of yourself and whether that opinion is positive or negative may or may not be true or shared by others in the world of communication. Often in the real world of real results, how you’re experienced by your talk partners is VERY different than how you think you’re coming across. This is what a recent “keep it simple” Dr. O’Grady survey revealed about your talk skills attitude:

1. I AM A GOOD COMMUNICATOR……..65.52%

2. I AM A GREAT COMMUNICATOR……24.14%

3. I AM A BAD COMMUNICATOR……….10.34%

As a group of working and talking citizens, 90% of us believe that we are good-to-great communicators. But what might these numbers reveal? Does this mean we are honest…open…willing to tell the truth…able to handle the hot potato of conflicts without throwing bad talk in someone’s lap…accurate about the negatives and positives alike…people with high Emotional I.Q.’s or able to hear and use negative feedback to improve ourselves? That’s the hundred dollar question!

WHAT IS AN OPTIMISTIC DRIVER WHO IS A POSITIVE COMMUNICATOR?

A positive communicator chooses to deal with negative life events in positive ways that accentuate the positive and diminish the negative. They seek to add energy to relational communication vs. drain the life battery of others with nega-talking while traveling along on the communication highway. Here’s a quick list of what makes anyone an optimistic driver on the two-way communication highway in my opinion:

  • You don’t “talk big” (or small) since you consider words to be living and breathing “statements of action”
  • Your word is your bond…you don’t engage in power plays that are control-centered, not relationship-centered
  • Since your word is your bond, you seek to be accurate in all of your conversations…including with the kids
  • You do what you say you’re going to do in a timely way…you’re ready to go on a trip when you say you’ll be ready
  • You don’t make promises you can’t keep to keep people off your back in the talk car
  • You don’t make time-wasting stops along the journey
  • You don’t “stuff” your likes and dislikes inside….to be socially viewed as a “goody go-along good guy or gal”
  • You are daily working on a plan to become a better communicator…you are on a mission
  • You practice new communication tools and driving skills…and get corrective feedback
  • You seek to improve your communication skills even when you think of yourself as “great”
  • You don’t blame others when you get lost or for any results you are getting
  • You have an open attitude to mapping out new personal changes without defensiveness
  • You accept the blame and shame game is lame and so you steer clear
  • You use goals to establish a communication destination…and stick to them when times are tough and weather stormy

Inaccurate communication involves a one-way street of unhealthy anger or guilt trips that beget pessimistic communications, the kind that are closed-down, ineffective and extremely unhelpful. In short, obstacles are thrown up in front of your talk car that you can crash into…road blocks that can and do become dispiriting and that stall out your best goals and intentions.

EMPATHIZER VS. INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATORS

Negative emotional states (feeling blue, anxious, angry, guilty) act like fog that makes traveling at normal speeds on the two-way communication highway impossible. The problem: To get rid of negative emotions, we often hand them off to another and “stick” them in the mind of a co-communicator. Empathizer-type communicators are prone to picking up negative or positive emotions from others that do not belong to them. Instigator-type communicators are prone to inciting (passing along) negative emotions in others that do belong to them and need to be worked through. Either way, your emotions affect your optimistic vs. pessimistic attitude and are acted out on the relationship stage for better or worse. The solution: to be responsible and “flip in” when you are experience emotions that make you feel vulnerable, insecure and inadequate.

WHAT GRADE WOULD YOUR TALK PARTNER(S) GIVE YOU IN THE COURSE ON COMMUNICATION?

In a previous article, I recommended that “good” communicators ask what grade they are getting from their talk partner, and why. I realize that most of you won’t follow this simple exercise because it can be uncomfortable. Thus, I think it’s safe and prudent to say that both Empathizer and Instigator communicators would receive a “C” in the Course on Communication, largely due to driving willy-nilly in whatever direction their communicator car points them. My solution is for you to study (and use) the communication system in “Talk to Me” so you can talk on purpose, accurately and positively, and deal with negative life events in productive ways that benefit everyone involved in your life.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady believes SO-o strongly in the cause and effect of communication that he simply can’t stop writing books about the topic. He’s the founder of New Insights Communication in Dayton, Ohio, and author of the newly published “Talk To Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone” available only on this site.

Previous New Insights Communication Polls have included “The Elephant Stampede” … “What Makes A Good Leader Great?” … “Does Your Attitude Work To Make You A Better Leader?” … “What’s Up With Your Confidence Level?” … “When You Argue, Are You Always Right?” … “Are You Shy or Stuck Up?”… “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?” Read more about these challenging, growth producing topics, and other topics of personal and relationship interest here four minutes every day of the week to make change happen fast and last.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides communication coaching and professional development training in Ohio and surrounding states.

Talk To Your Teen

As the rattled but glad Dad of three daughters (two of whom are now teenagers), I positively believe that there’s no more important project than “talking to your teen.” Why? The pressures for perfectionism today on our youth and families are perfectly insane! So “keep it simple” methods to talk effectively and with results to your teen are more important today than ever. If you don’t have a clue, I’ve solved the communication puzzle of parent-teen talks.

WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?

“Don’t sass me!” or “You have a bad attitude!” is a clue that talks have narrowed into a one-way communicator highway. The secret to great communication with your teen is to know who you are talking to by communicator type. Since this is a “newsflash” that’s just come out in the “Talk to Me” communication system, you can bet your Tylenol that you are going to have fewer headaches as a parent when you use my powerful new talk tools. If you’re a disbeliever…just read on…because for the price of a good dinner for two, I can help you groom your teen for success if you use my talk system.

IS YOUR TEEN DIFFICULT TO TALK TO?

Most teenagers don’t have strong relationships with their parent until adulthood. Is your teen “difficult” to talk to or “closed-down and defensive” when you try to talk to him/her? Are you, as parents, being good role models for your teen(s) on how to be “positive and effective communicators…how to be the leaders of your own lives”? My talk tools do just that. Get this: Your teen is either an Empathizer-type communicator or an Instigator-type communicator! The majority of teens are Instigators. If you don’t know which communicator type you are, or your teen is, then you may be “barking up the wrong tree” with the type of parenting and discipline you are using. Get ready: What works with one type doesn’t work with the opposing type. And chances are that your kids are BOTH communicator types who prefer a parent of the same type who “understands me.”

IS YOUR TEEN AN INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATOR?

Are you or your teen an Instigator communicator? How to know? Following is a checklist of typical talk habits of Instigator-type communicators…whether I-type adults or teens:

  • Can dominate family “mood”
  • Has strong personality types
  • Uses logical and “rational” arguments
  • Can disrespectfully “skin you alive with their sass”
  • Exhibits great debate skills
  • Talks back fearlessly to adults and peers
  • When push comes to shove…will guilt trip parent to get what he/she wants
  • Uses a loud voice…will scream and shout and cry and pout
  • Loves to use power…can be the proverbial bull in the china closet of peers
  • Has an “It’s not my fault!” mindset
  • Enjoys “winning a point” at the expense of relationships
  • Can be excellent at “negotiating” to resolve conflicts
  • Responds best to brief punishments

If you don’t have time to do anything else, check out the connecting link “The I-Type Kid.”

IS YOUR TEEN AN EMPATHIZER COMMUNICATOR?

Are you or your teen an Empathizer communicator? How to know? Following is a checklist of typical talk habits of Empathizer-type communicators…whether E-type adults or teens:

  • Can “read” and “follow” the family “mood”
  • Judges self as “coming on too strong” when hardly being assertive
  • Thinks of self as “too sensitive” … “too weak” or “a pushover”
  • Operates from “emotions” … easily picks up negative emotions from others, as if by radar
  • Acts “too nice” when should “talk back” to being pushed around
  • Gives in quickly when debates heat up, even when in right
  • Won’t talk back to adults or authorities unless encouraged to…keeps too much “bottled up”
  • When push comes to shove…will feel “guilty” for being the cause of a problem
  • Uses a quiet voice…will act “shy” … won’t use words but behaviors to show how he/she is feeling
  • Loves to “include everyone” … no one “left out” …can be caught in peer power stampede
  • Exhibits a “how can we solve this problem!” mindset
  • Enjoys “winning a friend”
  • Is excellent at “listening” during conflicts
  • Responds best to brief rewards

If you don’t have time to do anything else, check out the connecting link “The E-Type Kid.”

TOOLS TO USE TO TALK WITH YOUR TEEN TO BUILD SELF-ESTEEM

Talking to your teens isn’t magic. Yes, it does take energy and work to “walk in their shoes” and help them talk positively to themselves and others. Here’s a quick list to use to talk to your teen today:

1. Keep it simple…focus on teaching positive communication skills.

2. Focus on the point…talking to others effectively is far more important than grades.

3. Good communication skills aren’t taught in the schools or at your work.

4. Teach positive communication skills during your “family communication meetings.”

5. First work on yourself…do you know you and your partner’s or co-parent’s communicator type? If not, why not?

6. Buy a copy of “Talk to Me” and read the first chapter which teaches you how to “typecast your teen.” TTM is available only on this Web site.

7. Next learn the two communication modes your E- or I-type teen prefers to use. There are 38 “progressive” diagrams in TTM you can easily use.

8. Talk “using the language” your teen prefers because of his/her “communicator type.”

9. Use my communication system four minutes a day and “see” for yourself that it works wonders.

COMMUNICATOR COLLEGE

You’re not in the business of defending your teen. You’re not in the business of being chronically frustrated by your teen. You’re not in the business of ignoring the emotional complexities of teen life or “hoping they will just grow out of it.” You are in the business of guiding a teen into the world of talking like an adult, and knowing why and how they can get along with some people –but not get along with others. Now it’s up to you my dear parent. It’s not magic to “talk to your teen” today!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady’s almost-16 year old daughter Erin O’Grady helped edit this article. What does Erin think about talking to teens? “Dad…your information has helped me get through many tough peer and boyfriend situations already. Teens don’t feel like parents understand them…and parents don’t feel they can understand their teen…neither one feels that they can relate well which is really unfortunate. If you can’t have positive communication, parent to teen, then teenagers can take the assumption that anything can be taken for granted and that the opportunity to try things is always at hand such as sex…drugs…etc. But when a parent can talk to teens without going off on a lecture tangent…the teen will get the message that past mistakes a parent makes, don’t have to be repeated. The teen years are difficult but are extremely important building blocks…if a parent isn’t there to help set the foundation…you are looking at a no-win situation that is just bound to crumble. As a result, the teen goes back to square one as an adult…and no one wants that.”  Love ya’ Erin!