You Made Me Cry

I believe that people can depress other people. I know that it’s not very psycho-fashionable to say “you made me cry” nowadays, but it’s true. You CAN make me feel bad by what you say and do! And I CAN make you feel good by what I say and do! In fact, die-hard pessimists can squash and deflate my positive moods pretty quickly.

ARE YOU TOO SENSITIVE OR INSENSITIVE IN THE WORLD OF GOOD COMMUNICATION?

Hey, it’s not a perfect world, I realize, and Empathizer communicators can pick up emotional feelings as easily as some people pick up the common cold. It’s as if they have an emotional radar that’s always turned on.

However, if you’re a tough and thick-skinned Instigator communicator, are you going to tell me that you don’t feel it when I stomp on your toes? That’s why big boys and girls just gotta’ sit down and put their heads in their hands sometimes and cry.

DEPRESSING RELATIONSHIPS

You can blame the weather or a partner for your bad mood, and some of the time you are right. Relationships that are co-dependent or that restrict the psychological independence of either partner will make you sad, mad, guilty, moody and all mixed up. SO whose fault is it?

The answer to that question doesn’t really matter. What matters is what you are going to do to fix the problem and change the relationship situation that you dislike.

IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP DISTRESSED?

Symptoms of a mood-depressing relationship ARE:

  • You can’t talk about deep issues
  • You feel like two ships passing in the night
  • You either argue too much or not enough
  • You feel shamed for feeling what you do
  • Your partner interrupts you to tell you how to feel—think—behave—change what you do
  • A “blame and shame” mentality pervades the talk proceedings at the communicator table
  • When you tell the truth, you get slammed or punished in words or the silent treatment
  • You have difficulty sleeping…or wake up abruptly
  • Your skin crawls with anxiety when you ought to be happy

WHAT OR WHO IS DEVOURING YOUR SOUL?

When a distressed relationship is devouring your soul, there’s a dull ache of pain and helplessness in your heart that doesn’t go away. You also feel as if your life is slipping out of control. The solution is to become the leader of YOU and your own life again. How?

FIVE HALLMARKS OF HIGH-POWERED TWO-WAY COMMUNICATIONS

Let’s move off the negative and into the positive talk circle. Here are five hallmarks of fine communication:

  1. Feelings aren’t frowned upon
  2. Guilt trips and finger-pointing are avoided
  3. Problems are discussed rationally then solved
  4. Each partner accepts 50% co-responsibility for every problem
  5. Anxiety isn’t caused by rejection or loss of support if you say what you really mean to your partner

Your mood IS affected by the quality of your communication and the attitude of your partner toward your moods. If the mood in your relationship is distressed, don’t wait. Instead, seek communication help from someone you trust.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady, a clinical psychologist, has talked to more than 5,000 couples who are gay, straight, married or living together, young and old, Catholic and Jewish, highly educated or working hard for a living, and he has learned that communication is a system of talking well when you feel bad or ill. His third book is called “Talk to Me:
Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.”

Do You Leave Your Problems At Home When You Go To Work?

Is personality an empty black box when you drive off to work in the morning? Are you able to “separate” the stresses of family, parenting, elder care and health issues from the daily work grind? Does your mood and emotional attitude actually affect how well you drive around communication roadblocks to get to your goal destination? You can bet your laptop battery on it when you’re feeling unplugged from a positive attitude and plugged up from stress! SO what “work types” correspond to the “personality types” that come out when people meet at work or go out socially?

IS PERSONALITY STRESS RELATED TO JOB PERFORMANCE…ARE WE ABLE TO LEAVE OUR PROBLEMS AT HOME?

It may not be easy to plug yourself into a positive communication style–but it sure is worth your time and trouble to be curious about what makes people “tick” and why some people get “ticked off” so easily. The standard personality disorders you read about in my article “You’ve got some serious issues” are excerpted with permission from Table 6.3 in Chapter 6 (The Psychology of Managerial Incompetence) in Dr. Robert Hogan’s eye-opening new book “Personality and the Fate of Organizations.” Dr. Hogan is the rare breed of organizational psychologist who brings the academic alive in the real world of commerce to help organizations “fit” the right person to the right job so work can get done without excuse-making or belly-aching.

WHICH WORKER TYPE…LEADER TYPE…OR FAMILY MEMBER TYPE ARE YOU?

How well do you communicate when things aren’t going well? The acid test: Your communication style, namely, whether you are an Empathizer-type communicator or an Instigator-type communicator, serves as the “filter” through which you pour your personality and understand why you do what you don’t want to and succeed to do what you want to accomplish. Now, here are the same “11 personality styles” in Dr. Hogan’s system related to “work types and job performance” so you can “see” how they relate to the real world you live and work in.

1. EXCITABLE. Persons with high scores on this dimension expect to be disappointed in relationships; they anticipate being rejected, ignored, criticized, cheated, or treated unfairly.

2. ARGUMENTATIVE. Persons with high scores on this dimension expect to be wronged, betrayed, set up, cheated, or deceived in some way.

3. CAUTIOUS. Persons with high scores on this dimension fear being criticized, shamed, blamed, humiliated, or somehow disgraced.

4. RESERVED. Persons with high scores on this dimension seem self-absorbed, self-focused, indifferent to the feelings or opinions of others–especially their staff or close family members–introverted, misanthropic, imperceptive, and lacking in social insight.

5. LEISURELY. Persons with high scores on this dimension march to the sound of their own drum. They are confident about their skills and abilities, cynical about the talents and intentions of others–especially superiors–and they insist on working at their own pace.

6. ARROGANT. Persons with high scores on this dimension expect to be liked, admired, respected, attended to, praised, complimented, and indulged. They exude a sense of entitlement, excessive self-esteem, and an expectation of success that often leads to real success. But when their needs and expectations are frustrated, they explode with narcissistic rage.

7. MISCHIEVOUS. Persons with high scores on this dimension expect that others will like them and find them charming; consequently, they expect to be able to extract favors, promises, money, and other resources from other people with relative ease.

8. COLORFUL. Persons with high scores on this dimension believe that others will find them interesting, engaging, and worth paying attention to. They are good at calling attention to themselves–they know how to make dramatic entrances and exits, they carry themselves with flair, and self-consciously pay attention to their clothes and to the way others react to them.

9. IMAGINATIVE. Persons with high scores on this dimension think about the world in unusual and often quite interesting ways, and they enjoy entertaining others with their unusual perceptions and insights.

10. DILIGENT. Persons with high scores on this dimension are concerned with doing a good job, being a good citizen, and pleasing authority. They are hard working, careful, planful, meticulous, and have very high standards of performance for themselves and other people.

11. DUTIFUL. Persons with high scores on this dimension are deeply concerned about being accepted, being liked, and getting along, especially with authority figures. they are alert for signs of disapproval, and equally alert for opportunities to ingratiate themselves, be of service, and demonstrate their fealty and loyalty to the organization.

THE IMMATURE PERSONALITY

Dr. Hogan has spent much of his extensive and illustrious career understanding the emotional and attitudinal factors that “derail” managers and executives who have been voted most likely to succeed. Personality theory offers a solid foundation regarding “why people do what they do including crack under stress or pursue self-defeating actions.” It was always my favorite subject in school…and remains so to this day.

IF YOU DON’T OWN A PROBLEM…YOU CAN’T SOLVE A PROBLEM

Do you have issues? Well probably, to a slight extent. But people who really have issues aren’t just being “disagreeable” or “moody” or “having a down day”…serious personality problems don’t change without some VERY serious professional psychological intervention and focused help. Tragically, people who have the “biggest issues” are the “biggest denyers and liars” and “wrong-headed mules” about who really has the real issue or is a thorn in the side of a family or organization. “It’s never-ever my fault because I’m always in the right!” is the fight song of the immature personality. Thus, years of therapy may be required since: “If you don’t own a problem, you can’t solve a problem!”

HOW TO BE THE LEADER OF YOUR OWN LIFE USING PERSONAL AND ORGANIZATIONAL LEADERSHIP COMMUNICATION TOOLS

You know my ‘change battle-cry’ by now: “Be the leader of your own life!” Are you the leader of your own life? Remember the key results of a New Insights Communication poll: Good leaders go to great strides to improve the skills in little ways every day to net huge results and positive payoffs. You are choosing to do the same today! Aren’t you?

ABOUT DR. ROBERT HOGAN
Dr. Robert Hogan is founder and president of Hogan Assessment Systems, a company in Tulsa, Oklahoma, that uses Hogan’s personality assessment tests to help organizations select employees and develop leaders. Dr. Hogan’s newest book is called “Personality and the Fate of Organizations,” which links personality characteristics to people’s behavior, including their successes and failures in the workplace. The book was published in June 2006 by Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, and should interest anyone who is curious about people, careers and organizational politics. Hogan says: “My goal is to increase the reader’s ability to understand other people: how they are alike, how they are different, and why they do what they do.” The book can be ordered through the publisher’s Web site, www.erlbaum.com. Information about the Hogan Personality Inventory for pre-employment screening purposes is at www.hoganassessments.com. And the Director of Communication for Hogan Assessment Systems is Rolf Olsen at rolsen@hoganassessments.com or by calling #800.756.0632 or #918.749.0632.

ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is founder and president of New Insights Communication, a company in Dayton, Ohio, that uses O’Grady’s communication systems to help organizations achieve change, improve personal effectiveness and develop responsive leadership and problem-solving tools. Dr. O’Grady’s newest book is called “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone,” which links emotional and attitude preferences and performance obstacles and solutions to communicator type. “Talk to Me” can be ordered through the Web site, www.drogrady.com or by calling 1.937.428.0724.

You’ve Got Some Serious Issues

Have you ever looked at other people, all wrapped up in their own messy relationships and icky issues, and said to yourself, “Wo-wee! They’ve got some serious issues!” The implication, of course, is usually that those other people are difficult to deal with. But what does, “You’ve got some serious issues!” actually imply? What does it mean from the viewpoint of professional psychology? Long have psychologists researched and practiced in the field of personality styles and relationship dynamics in job and relationship performance. In fact, there are 11 “personality types” that explain why “impossible people” don’t think they are being difficult at all.

11 PERSONALITY STYLES IN EVERYDAY LIFE

What are the “standard personality disorders” that comprise a “talking mindset” whenever psychologists or executive coaches work with an “impossible person?” What personality types do psychologists keep in mind when they help a client cope better with an extremely difficult coworker, manager, boss or extended family member? Dr. Robert Hogan in “Personality and the Fate of Organizations,” deftly shows how “leadership and managerial performance are a direct function of a person’s personality, and, in turn, they directly influence the effectiveness of organizations.” Do any of these “thumbnail sketches of entrenched personality disorders” seem to fit the talk profile of an intimidator or constantly frustrating person?

1. BORDERLINE. Inappropriate anger, unstable and intense relationships alternating between idealization and devaluation.

2. PARANOID. Distrustful and suspicious of others; motives are interpreted as malevolent.

3. AVOIDANT. Social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to criticism or rejection.

4. SCHIZOID. Emotional coldness and detachment from social relationships; indifference to praise and criticism.

5. PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE. Passive resistance to adequate social and occupational performance; irritation when asked to do something he or she does not want to do.

6. NARCISSISM. Arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes; grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement.

7. ANTISOCIAL. Disregard for the truth; impulsivity and failure to plan ahead; failure to conform with social norms.

8. HISTRIONIC. Excessive emotionality and attention seeking; self-dramatizing, theatrical, and exaggerated emotional expression.

9. SCHIZOTYPAL. Odd beliefs or magical thinking; behavior or speech that is odd, eccentric, or peculiar.

10. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE. Preoccupations with orderliness, rules, perfectionism, and control; over-conscientious and inflexible.

11. DEPENDENT. Difficulty making everyday decisions without excessive advice and reassurance; difficulty expressing disagreement out of fear of loss of support or approval.

DO YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW FIT THE PERSONALITY PROFILES?

People with personality disorders can change, but it may take many years of specialized individual psychological psychotherapy to do so. Change is therefore possible, but not likely. What is typical of the personality disorders? People with “serious issues” often:

  • Don’t often feel anxious or depressed
  • Mostly blame others for their life crises and problems
  • Are involved in relationships that are a tumultuous mess
  • Perform at work below expectations, and potentials aren’t realized
  • Co-workers and family members frequently feel forced to go around them to get things done
  • Think of communication as a one-way street
  • React defensively to factual criticism or negative feedback
  • Exhibit an “I’m always right and why don’t people get on board with the program” bad attitude
  • Complain loudly but lack the ability to change or solve problems
  • Can make sympathetic bosses, co-workers or partners “try hard to help”

When I was working on my doctorate at the Wright State University School of Professional Psychology in the early 80s, we students often had rousing fun “trying each one on for fit” by role playing how the various “problem personalities” would act and talk. A typical theme of the difficult person is “unawareness.” People with personality disorders really don’t know why they’re doing what they’re doing and customarily act and speak negatively without any chance for change. In fact, when one set of relationship bridges are “blown up,” they simply move to a new set of people or employers who feel sorry for them.

ABOUT DR. ROBERT HOGAN
Dr. Robert Hogan is founder and president of Hogan Assessment Systems, a company in Tulsa, Oklahoma, that uses Hogan’s personality assessment tests to help organizations select employees and develop leaders. Dr. Hogan’s newest book is called “Personality and the Fate of Organizations,” which links personality characteristics to people’s behavior, including their successes and failures in the workplace. The book was published in June 2006 by Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, and should interest anyone who is curious about people, careers and organizational politics. Hogan says: “My goal is to increase the reader’s ability to understand other people: how they are alike, how they are different, and why they do what they do.” The book can be ordered through the publisher’s Web site, www.erlbaum.com. Information about the Hogan Personality Inventory for pre-employment screening purposes is at www.hoganassessments.com. And the Director of Communication for Hogan Assessment Systems is Rolf Olsen at rolsen@hoganassessments.com or by calling #800.756.0632 or #918.749.0632.

ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is founder and president of New Insights Communication, a company in Dayton, Ohio, that uses O’Grady’s communication systems to help organizations achieve change, improve personal effectiveness and develop responsive leadership and problem-solving tools. Dr. O’Grady’s newest book is called “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone,” which links emotional and attitude preferences and performance obstacles and solutions to communicator type. “Talk to Me” can be ordered through the Web site, www.drogrady.com or by calling 1.937.428.0724.

Lies, Control And Deceit In Loving Relationships

Nowhere do the bright lightning and heaven-shaking importance of honesty and openness come through more brilliantly than in the arms of our personal romantic, parenting and extended family relationships. So here’s a question: Is a tiny little white lie all that bad for our health? White lies and half-truths cause havoc and shrink intimacy into nothingness faster than a cold dunk into icy water. Maybe it’s doing what you want instead of what you’ve promised to do. Maybe it’s deception, truth-spinning or failing to communicate. Maybe it’s a determination to hang onto a bad attitude. Indeed, the single biggest “red flag and emergency flare” of a distressed relationship is NOT telling the truth…so help us God.

In my third book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone,” I’ve defined the “Relationship Rules” we must live by in order to create trust and respect in our business and personal relationships.

TELLING THE TRUTH HURTS?

The hallmark of an ethical human being is to be in the habit of openly telling the truth…even when it might make him/her look bad. Why isn’t the truth spoken more often? Well, the writer below has openly written out of her heart-mind about the trust vs. mistrust issues in her romantic relationship. Is she trying to control the man in her life? Do you have the courage to write such self-revealing things that can be judged or laughed at? Would you have the gumption to talk openly about these vulnerable feelings with your partner? You might think better of telling the truth when your partner throws an angry fit or tantrum in response. Sometimes, telling the truth hurts. Sometimes, the truth messenger is killed while the truth message remains unheard.

THE ‘DEAR JOHN LETTER’ FROM A DEVOTED READER

“Dear John,

When the spoken word fails me, when I am unable to articulate my words, I always seem to choose to write. Writing has always been one of my strengths and a source of comfort. I also like it because you, the receiver, are able to read (or reread) the letter, based on your moods and feelings, not mine.

You have been weighing heavy on my heart and also, in my thoughts. A couple weeks ago I tried to tell you that I could no longer be your friend, lover or have a relationship with you because of your continued lies, deceit and manipulation. We argued about the definition of lies and deception and didn’t really come to any clear understanding, or at least I don’t think so. But what I have come to realize is that I have told many lies to myself to live your lie. And for that I will accept full responsibility.

The lie I told myself: I am a much better, healthier, loving woman than John’s ex-wife so he would not treat me like he treated her.
Truth: John, at times, treats me exactly as he treated his ex-wife. There is no difference.

The lie I told myself: Once John is able to experience honest, sincere, genuine mature love and friendship with me then that will allow him to see how healthy, growing, loving relationships should be and he will reciprocate.
Truth: John has not reciprocated in like kind.

The lie I told myself: When John realizes how much his actions hurt me, he will stop those actions.
Truth: John will not change his actions for me.

The lie I told myself: John needs the support, encouragement and love from me to help him beat his compulsive habit, self-defeating behavior, obsession, pattern, addiction or whatever it is called.
Truth: John makes choices and decisions that reflect the ultimate in self-indulgence, self-centeredness and epitomizes the one-way talk and relationship street he claims to despise.

The lie I told myself: Since John is terrific to me 95% of the time, what could be so bad if 5% is miserable?
Truth: 5% of lies, deceit and disguised manipulations is not good.

The lie I told myself: John can learn to live with compromises that trouble the soul and make you suffer and call it love.
Truth: Suffering is not love.

The lie I told myself: If John says his newest relationship is business and not personal, then I’m sure it’s all business.
Truth: The relationship started as business but crossed over the line into personal, too. If he won’t tell me about having a drink or a lunch or a dinner, he will not tell me when things heat up.

The lie I told myself: The past is over.
Truth: The past continues to drive John and haunt him. When you make the same choices, you can’t ever get past the past.

The lie I told myself: If the package is beautifully wrapped, its contents will be fabulous.
Truth: The packaging doesn’t tell you anything about what’s inside. The outside can be beautiful and the inside ugly.

The lie I told myself: If you believe in the same God, you’ll share the same values.
Truth: Values are what you live, not what you believe.

The lie I told myself: Trust can always be rebuilt from the ashes…you can get over anything if you just work hard enough.
Truth: You can’t be happy, joyful, contented, confident, respecting, open, at-ease or relaxed when you live the lie that we can’t trust one another.

And the last lie I told myself: If John and I don’t have a close, connected loving relationship he will really miss me and my kids, too.
Truth: John…YOU will simply “erase” me – from your cell phone, from your address book, from your night time and weekend activities, from our circle of friends, from your sex life, from your family, from sharing work milestones and moments, from your life and you will replace me with another woman and a new life.

WEIGHING HEAVY ON THE HEART-MIND

So now you’ve heard from a beloved Dr. O’Grady reader who wrote the open letter about feelings to her romantic partner. Their relationship was distressed by untruths. Both partners are intelligent and caring individuals and have been going together for many years. Should she send the letter or show it to her partner? NO, I don’t think so. The letter will be met with a response of open hostility, hatred, loud barking, a commanding attitude and extreme insecurity. The truth in this case (based on past exercises of like kind) is that this message just won’t go anywhere productive.

SEX, LIES AND LOVE: WHY I PRAY FOR THOSE WHO KNOW EVERYTHING

A positive psychology mentor of mine is fond of saying: “I pray for those who know everything…and I pray for those who don’t!” In my opinion, more help is needed by the first group than the second one. Truth-tellers admit that they don’t know even half of anything…and in that struggle find more truth revealed to them. So what have we learned from living a life of lies or half-truths?

1. Lies create mistrust
2. Mistrust creates interpersonal distance
3. Interpersonal distance creates stagnation and boredom
4. Boredom and emotional disconnect can douse the fires of love and passion
5. When the fire burns low we are at risk for looking around for better talk opportunities
6. In short, dishonesty creates a life of lies, deceit and unending psychodramas that you need about as bad as a hole in the heart or head

THE CONTROLLING RELATIONSHIP: THE QUIET DISGUISED MANIPULATION AND CONTROL OF THE EMOTIONAL TONE OF A RELATIONSHIP

I’m made a strong case that control is the opposite of love. Control creates anger, frustration and hate. The harder you try to control others, the “behinder” you will get in your heartfelt goals and aspirations. In contrast, the harder you try to manage your own moods and issues, the ‘ah-header’ you will get in your personal growth and healing. I’ve written in “Talk to Me” convincingly that there are three types of relationship: Loving, Controlling, Friendship. Which one are you in today?

YOUR WORD IS YOUR BOND: WHEN YOUR WORD ISN’T ANY GOOD, YOU FEEL GOOD FOR NOTHING

When you or I lie, whether in direct or indirect ways, we eerily and unerringly destroy trust, confidence and respect in whether or not we can be the trusted leader of trusting and need-filled followers. Now no one is ever perfect, BUT without trust, confidence and respect then we have no relationships – friend, business associate, beloved extended family member, brother or sister or lover. As proof: In my article “The Rule of Good Leadership” I succinctly state: “When you are the leader of your own life…you do what you say you’re going to do in about the same time frame you say you are going to do it in.”

WHAT TO SAY TO THE LIAR IN YOUR LIFE?

When you ignore an Elephant-size lie, chances are that you’re bound to wake up some day in a dust cloud created by an Elephant Stampede of Stress. It’s not your fault. Have you become a co-liar…pushing the truth under the hallway carpet, hoping not to trip on it? Untruths keep things swirling and stirred up. Distortions disrupt intimacy. A quiet disguised manipulation or “quiet control” of the emotional tone of a relationship kills love a little at a time. You have no other choice than to tell yourself the truth about the liar in your life…especially when that liar in your life is YOU.

Even when a temper tantrum is thrown around the communicator table…tell the truth without casting stones of blame. It’s the only sane way to live a life of love in a world riddled with hate-filled miscommunication.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady, whose mother taught him a thing or two about lying, promotes emotional truth-telling and keeping one’s word to better deal with difficult realities in his new book “Talk To Me.” His message: Don’t give up hope quite yet, because hope is here! Getting out of the emotional swamp we find ourselves in, surrounded by alligators and getting eaten alive by big bugs, requires the faith to feel anything and tell the truth without blaming anyone.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching, relationship communication facilitation and professional development training in Ohio and surrounding states.

The Elephant Stampede

Life is both difficult and wonderful, and that’s probably why someone invented the saying, “It’s always something.” But how often are we unwitting contributors to our own life crises by what we fail to do? In a previous article, I wrote about “the elephant in the room”… namely, a small problem that has become a large one—one that we largely try to ignore through denial. In our denial, we become accustomed to stepping around the elephant, stopping the smell by sticking a clothes pin on our nose, dressing up the beast to look less beast-like, or dousing the unwanted pachyderm in our board room or living room with perfume. Yes, ignoring a problem can feel so good…SO secure…SO-O safe, just before the elephants stampede!

GOT TO BE MR. OR MS. FEELGOOD?

What “elephant in the room” are you trying to ignore? Come on…you know what it is! Have mercy: The reason you and I are so fond of denial is because ignoring a problem (that needs resolving) makes us feel good. But the short-term gain of “feeling good” comes with a hidden price of perpetuated problems or blaming the wrong “problem person” for our woes. The power to change is IN YOU! So why trip up or crash into the elephant, then exclaim in mock surprise: “But I didn’t see it coming…it came out of the blue like a lightning bolt!”

ANONYMOUS NEW INSIGHTS COMMUNICATION POLL ON “THE DENIAL EXCUSE”

Since you aren’t a dunce, you know ignoring a problem DOES feel good, but it also causes you eventually to get caught in a stampede of stress—one that risks your being trampled to death. What good does it do anyone when you feel flat as a pancake? By the way, one of the reasons I prefer “anonymous” Web polls is that responders aren’t prone to telling an interviewer what they want to hear. There is a freedom to tell the truth no matter how pretty or ugly that personal truth happens to be. So I asked my readers at www.drogrady.com what issue they are currently trying hard to ignore or to sweep under the carpet. Although throwing a rug over a stinky elephant seems quite silly, we all do it at one time or another in our work and personal lives.

WHAT ELEPHANT-SIZE PROBLEM ARE YOU CURRENTLY TRYING TO IGNORE?

Here are the results of the poll that asked: “What elephant-size problem are you currently trying to ignore, hoping it will vanish?” Results are in descending order:

1) Solving a family issue………………..35.29%

2) Personal problem or bad habit…………29.41%

3) A lousy boss…………………….17.65%

4) An unfocused negative co-worker(s)………. 11.76%

5) Need to fire/hire someone at work…………5.88%

6) Bad mood of managing team……………….0.00%

FAMILY AND PERSONAL ISSUES LEAD THE STAMPEDE

Well, here’s even more confirmation that our work behavior is driven by emotions more than logic. And we all bring our personal issues to work and try to manage our intense feelings as we go about our work day. It makes me wonder how many of us are hanging by a thin emotional thread as we competently sit in our meetings and respond to phone messages or e-mail. Indeed, a great deal of emotion swirls around as we try to move through our days effectively and solve problems at work. A stress pipeline flows between home and work and back to home again.

DO YOU HAVE PERSONAL ISSUES?

Who among us doesn’t have personal issues? According to this survey, 64.70% of daily stress that fills up our minds with questions, doubts and anxieties stems from family or personal issues that probably mix together potently. I’m not making excuses here, but how are we supposed to be able to concentrate on complex problem-solving tasks that require a “free mind” when our emotions are swirling around like a rain-swollen river hitting against a dam? Not easy, to be sure. I know, I know. We’re supposed to leave our personal and family issues at home and I suppose the true professional can shrug off problems as they walk through the corporate door. And let’s think thrice: The leaders that we depend on to offer calm in the midst of ever-changing business weather conditions or storms are only human, too.

PROBLEM-SOLVING WHEN YOU FEEL BAD AIN’T EASY

You are a capable human being who needs the support of other capable human beings who aren’t in the current stress stampede in which you find yourself. Executive coaches, professional relationship counselors and spiritual advisors get paid to hear your pain and to be in the helicopter above the dusty elephant stampede, radio-ing instructions to you about which direction is safe. Thus, no man or woman is an island…and we all support each other even in the “incidental things we say” that are motivational and inspirational. More than we realize, we all depend upon one another for more encouragement. Feeling good isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, especially during times that ignoring an impending crisis can doom us or cause more serious problems to befall us.

DON’T TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU FEEL WHEN YOU ARE FEELING BAD?

Feeling good is overrated in our world. There is an explicit shaming of emotions and pinning the tail of shame on the human(s) involved instead of the elephant of a problem. But you saw above that team spirit isn’t the problem. You also saw above that needing to hire or fire someone and a lousy boss isn’t really the BIG problem. Sure, we can point the finger of blame at these “people problems,” but they aren’t the problem. The problem is family issues and personal issues that make us feel bad, and in our feeling bad, our performance is compromised and undercut. Often, doing what feels good IS the problem, and choosing to do what makes us feel bad is the solution. It’s reverse psychology in action. That’s why I think “sensitivity training” and “emotional responsibility” are part and parcel of every leadership development package. They’re often the overlooked “small keys” that open the “big doors” of change.

HOW CAN I HELP YOU TODAY?

The purpose in hiring an executive, self-esteem or family relations communication coach is to steady your nerves. It’s priceless, not pricey, because you are then able to center yourself again in order to take tough or difficult decisions—and commit to taking new actions that solve old problems instead of encouraging these elephants to live where they don’t belong. True, effective change doesn’t feel good at the start, but at least you won’t be blind-sided or run over by a stress stampede. Remember this: Feeling good or being an “optimizer” doesn’t mean that an elephant-sized stress is going to disappear anytime soon through some Houdini magic act. Encourage yourself to “feel bad,” because feeling bad is brave and encourages you to make “baby steps” to solve a problem (one you are going to eventually trip over anyway) …one that can break your leg and even your life and spirit.

After all, life is supposed to be both difficult and wonder-full.

ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady thinks if it looks like an elephant, smells like an elephant and moves like an elephant, then it certainly is an elephant, and if he could, he’d administer that elephant a test to find out if it’s an Empathizer or Instigator elephant! He’s also the author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, and founder of New Insights Communication.

Previous New Insights Communication Polls have included “What Makes A Good Leader Great?” … “Does Your Attitude Work To Make You A Better Leader?” … “What’s Up With Your Confidence Level?” … “When You Argue, Are You Always Right?” … “Are You Shy or Stuck Up?”… “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?” Read more about these challenging, growth producing topics, and other topics of personal and relationship interest here four minutes every day of the week to make change happen fast and last.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional development training in Ohio and surrounding states.