CommTool#13: “What makes you say that?”

Standing your ground and talking non-defensively is critical when talks heat up and tempers and guilt bombs fly. Being “genuine” is no excuse to say really hurtful things to another person and thereby rob a relationship of peaceful co-existence. A note of caution: If a “psychocritiquer” is just venting a spleen on your face, then talks may need to be halted so mean words and mean-spirited accusations are similarly halted.

SHRUGGING OFF REJECTION

Here’s how practicing CommTool #13 helps you side-step implied social rejection or disapproving threats that shut down good communication:

1. “You’re too scared to talk to me.” Implied threat: If you don’t allow me to beat up on you verbally, then you’re a weak wimp. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

2. “You’re a poor excuse for a communicator!” Implied threat: If you don’t agree with my put-downs, then you are a bad communicator. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

3. “We’ve just got to agree, to disagree!” Implied threat: If you don’t agree with me, then you’re in the wrong, and I will just wait until you come around. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

4. “You had it coming!” Implied threat: If you don’t tow the party line, your punishment is warranted.” Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

5. “Your mood is like a screeching roller-coaster!” Implied threat: If you aren’t happy with how I’m treating you, then something is very wrong with you and your mood. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

6. “All you want to do is argue and fight!” Implied threat: If you protect yourself by getting angry at the person who is lashing you with bad treatment, then you are mentally off-balance and need help. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

7. “You have to have it your way!” Implied threat: If you don’t focus your time, energy and attentive comments on the speaker, then you are not being a team player who’s in it for the good of all. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

8. “You only care about yourself!” Implied threat: If you have needs that are conflict with another’s agenda, then you are being selfish and self-absorbed. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

9. “You’ve done IT to yourself, you know!” Implied threat: If you’ve done something unconstructive once in 10 years, then that excuses the same negative behavior that occurs weekly in the guilt tripper. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

10. “You’ve got to get past IT!” Implied threat: If you’re a religious person, then you should forgive and forget what is unforgivable and unforgettable. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

11. “You always and only focus on the negative!” Implied threat: If you respond critically to negative words or actions, then you deserve further criticism for being SO sensitive. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

12. “You think that I meant to do IT, don’t you?!” Implied threat: If you try to hold me responsible for intending to do something harmful to your self-esteem, I’m going to plead a complete lack of awareness and pose the “relationship insanity defense.” Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

13. “You have some serious issues and I can’t help you!” Implied threat: If you are disagreeing, then you must be a disagreeable person who needs psychological psychotherapy as soon as possible. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

14. “IT always has to be your way!” Implied threat: If you require compromise, then you will be accused of failing to compromise in a logical and civil fashion. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

15. “You’re not listening to me so shut your yap for a second!” Implied threat: If you disagree assertively, then that means you aren’t a good listener or open-minded. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

YOUR POSITIVE MIND IS TOO PRECIOUS TO MISPLACE

Why allow your mind to be written on by NegaTalkers? Now you know how to stop from being psychologically tortured by someone you work with or love. Your positive mind is too precious to misplace! “Psycho-torture” is when a fellow talk traveler gets you to grab their “baited hook” of negative talking …and negative “opinionizing”…about your character and caring, your decisions and intelligence, your feelings and emotional honesty, your integrity and motives. Once you’re hooked, the torturer then reels you in like a flapping fish as you become increasingly agitated and upset. Great Scott, are we having fun, yet? This magnificent CommTool forces the controlling criticizer to clarify his or her thinking, not so you can launch a counter-offensive, but so you can know what is making them tick, and making you ticked off.

GET YOUR COTTIN’ PICKIN’ HANDS OFF MY PSYCHIC SKIN YOU DAD BLASTED GUILT TRIPPER

You can read about how to get off the hook of a “psycho-torturer” in related articles. For now, though, know that you have choices in how to respond assertively to slams, jams, pokes, prods, guilt trips, psychocritiquing, low blows, irritating talk distractions, guerilla talk warfare, power plays, one-up-wo/manship, psychotorture, the “Now, I’ve got you where I want you, you S.O.B.” games people play, nit-picking by a dad blasted perfectionistic put-down artist…well, you get the drift.

YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE IT’S ALL MY FAULT…THAT I’M THE PROBLEM

Well, if the shoe fits the psycho-torturer, then you can’t help that person “fix” their attitude and their negative relationship actions. Can you? Alright…I’ve heard all the come-backs:

  • “Why can’t we just work at this?”
  • “There simply wasn’t enough time!”
  • “If you try to we can work anything out together!”
  • “Why can’t we speak truthfully and honestly and just tell each other how we really feel?”
  • “You’re being TOO thin-skinned, and can’t take the truth!”
  • “I didn’t mean to and I didn’t know what else to do!”
  • “I’ve said that ‘I’m sorry’ so why can you just forget about it?”
  • “I told you I’ll be different in the future and change.”
  • “I can’t make you feel bad or ticked off, only you have the power to do that!”

What a bunch of slick-talking slippery thinking meant to keep you on the line and your self-esteem left gutted like a fish on a carving board.

WHAT TO DO WHEN TALKS ARE SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL?

Choose to take control of talks that are spinning out of control like a car on black ice in the winter. Drive through the skid to safety, by saying: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT? Then listen non-defensively to another stupid argument why human beings think they can say anything bad and nasty and get away with it!

CHECK OUT THE PREVIOUS COMMTOOLS

CommTool#12: ARE YOU SAYING THAT

CommTool#11: SO, WHAT’S YOUR POINT

CommTool#10: IF THE SHOE FITS, BABY

CommTool#9: I NEED YOU TO KNOW I’M FEELING SCARED

CommTool#8: NOW HEAR THIS MY DEAR MIND

CommTool#7: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT

CommTool#6: I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT

CommTool#5: WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ME

CommTool#4: CHANGE…THE DAMN RECORD

CommTool#3: WHY ‘IT’S NOT FAIR’ IS SUPREMELY FAIR

CommTool#2: IS THIS GOOD FOR ME?

CommTool#1: YOU’VE SAID THAT ALREADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching, relationship problem-solving communication tools and professional development training in Dayton, Ohio, and surrounding areas. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” In this inspiring new relationship improvement and leadership training program, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Empathizers back down from verbal confrontations while Instigators don’t hold back speaking their minds. You can get a thumbnail sketch of your true communicator type by clicking on “What’s Your Communicator Type.” And these tools REALLY work when you choose to use them!

You, Too, Can Drive Anyone Crazy

You, too, can drive anyone crazy. All you have to do is use slippery speak and make all kinds of logical sounding “poor me” slick excuses why others won’t allow you to be the leader of your own life. Who said blaming others for the mess you put yourself in is hard work? The ulterior purpose of crafty “psychoexcuses” is to distract the focus away from a continuing failure to deliver on promised actions or results.

SLIPPERY SPEAK: THAT MAY BE WHAT YOU HEARD, BUT…

“That may be what you heard, I can’t argue with that, but that’s not what I said!” is slippery speak. “BUT I didn’t mean to…!” is another way to turn off a team or family member fast. Chilly, too, is “NOW that’s how it’s always been done around here!” Or, “There you go again pointing the finger of blame at my team!” And what about, “I don’t do IT all the time!”

ME-TYPE TALK

Take a listen and you will hear more “ME”-TYPE TALK excuses below. Have some fun relief…and listen for any of these excuses you hear yourself or others use today in the workplace or home space. Just add these to the “99 Ways to Turn People off Cold (Without Really Trying)” you got a chuckle from previously.

  1. I meant to BUT I didn’t get around to it BECAUSE…
  2. I know I avoid situations that make me uncomfortable.
  3. I didn’t do it deliberately!
  4. People act busier than they are!
  5. Truthfully, I want to spend more time with you BUT…
  6. Please don’t take this personally, BUT…
  7. Can I tell you something without you getting mad?
  8. I don’t think about bad things I can’t do anything about.
  9. Why should I always be the one to check in and ask you how you feel?
  10. Hey, when I’m not working, I want to chill out.
  11. It was the right thing to do at the time.
  12. You’re taking what I’m saying out of context.
  13. I can only do so much!
  14. I fell behind…so what do you want me to do or say?
  15. I have no answer for that!
  16. I’m doing everything in my power to fix IT!
  17. You can try YOUR hand at IT if YOU want to!
  18. I try to just put the past behind me and forget about it.
  19. All of this takes time, you know!
  20. I’m asking you a direct question and I expect a direct answer.
  21. Why are you treating me this way? I wouldn’t do that to you!
  22. Some things just don’t fall into place easily like you plan them to.
  23. How many times do I have to tell you that I didn’t do it on purpose?!
  24. Things are going to be O.K. from here on out if you stop getting all bent out of shape!
  25. Your being WAY too sensitive about this.
  26. Why can’t you believe me? It’s ALL going to be just fine!
  27. It’ll get better…you’ll see…you’ve got my word on it!
  28. Here’s the point…
  29. I don’t do it on purpose to hurt you…you’ve got to get over IT!
  30. This was a money factor that was out of my control.
  31. I don’t want to talk about this any more!
  32. I know this has to be hard for you to take SO…
  33. I try to put it behind me as fast as I can…why can’t you do the same?
  34. Why be SO negative all the time?
  35. I just want to get past this phase and forget about it.
  36. All of this takes time/money/commitment/focus/sweat from me and I’m squeezed!
  37. You really upset and hurt me when you said…
  38. Why do you leave me out?
  39. Doesn’t my opinion matter to you?
  40. You’re still not where I want you to be.
  41. Can you hold off a little longer on those demands?
  42. I’m trying my best not to be mean or nasty.
  43. Sometimes, I end up shooting off my mouth before I think through what I should say!
  44. I told you that I’m working on it!
  45. What was I supposed to do under the circumstances?
  46. You think WAY too much!
  47. It’s not THAT deep…your taking this way too seriously!
  48. What about…What IF you tried…
  49. I just want the stress to go away.
  50. I just want to set the record straight!
  51. Are you sure you’ve thought this through?
  52. You’re not the person I thought you were.
  53. You disappoint me!
  54. I’ve got to vent my feelings…My feelings are my feelings!
  55. SO what’s the plan? Who’s responsible? Who’s in charge?
  56. There’s no discussing it with you when you’re mind is made up.
  57. What do you want me to say about that that would satisfy you?
  58. You’ve got to work with me here, and give a little bit back to me.
  59. You’ve got to understand where I’m coming from as well!
  60. You should think more with your head, and less from your heart!
  61. I feel somewhat selfish…but who isn’t?!
  62. You need to quit avoiding the topic and take responsibility for your life.
  63. I just don’t like talking about serious stuff!
  64. I don’t want to hurt their feelings by being too blunt!
  65. I don’t like dealing with moody people and messy emotions.
  66. I suck it up and forget about it.
  67. Where are we goin’ from here? Where are we headed? Who’s got the map?
  68. I don’t mean to tell you what to do BUT IF I were you…
  69. You over-analyze everything and can be your own worst enemy, sometimes!
  70. You and I only like the ‘feel good’ emotions, right?!
  71. What can I do about it? How should I know what to say or do?
  72. I’ve got to be honest with you here: Uncomfortable emotions, well, make me uncomfortable.
  73. Did I say that? Or is that what YOU heard me say?!
  74. That may be what you heard, I can’t argue with that, but that’s not what I said.
  75. IF I don’t do IT…then who’s going to do it, eh?!
  76. Why do I always get shoved into the position of being in control of everything?
  77. Do you know what I’m saying here? Don’t you get it?
  78. What was I supposed to do? Pretend like IT didn’t happen?!
  79. I always try to do what’s right, and let my conscious be my guide.
  80. Does that make any sense to you?
  81. Why do you have to re-visit everything, again and again?!
  82. There’s certain things that have to be done, and I don’t see you volunteering!

EMPATHIZER APPLES VS. INSTIGATOR ORANGES

As I previously said, there are many interesting differences that exist between the Empathizer “apples” and the Instigator “oranges.” Neither fruit group is better than the other, and both have their place, strengths and pits.

Any way you slice that apple and orange, you can’t compare apples and oranges. When you begin to “see and understand” that both fruits operate in the world according to a “life view” which is alterable…then you are free to travel to new places in all of your interpersonal and inner-personal relations.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is available in the resource store at his Web site www.drogrady.com. Dr. O’Grady leads workshops, and provides business consulting, about two new communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators. Let’s take “playing by the rules” as a fun example. Empathizers or E-types expect others to make the rules, while Instigators or I-types expect others to play by the rules they make. Likewise, take “grudge matches or grudge keeping.” E-types daily wipe their slate clean which can create co-dependency, while I-types keep accounting records of rights vs. wrongs that can lead into a co-dependency. Knowing who you’re talking to in the workplace by communicator type and temperament, makes all the difference in the “mood” in your workplace and the “effectiveness” of your management team.

99 Ways To Turn People Off Cold (Without Really Trying)

There are easily 99 talk transgressions that wearily turn you and your fellow talk traveler cold on the lonely road of mixed-up communication. You think I’m exaggerating? Well, what is your plan to talk effectively with people who are “different” from you? Moreover, do you comprehend the crucial differences between the Empathizer-type communicator “apples” and the Instigator-type “oranges” in the orchard of business communications? (Neither fruit group is better than the other since both have their place, strengths and pits.)

I DIDN’T MEAN TO…I DIDN’T DO IT ON PURPOSE…I WAS JUST JOKING…YOU TAKE THINGS TOO SERIOUSLY…IT’S NOT MY FAULT

Have some fun…and boom out the “99 Ways To Turn off a Team or Family Member Cold and Make a Talker into a Distruster without Really Trying Very Hard To.” HINT: The purpose of many of these crafty “psychoexcuses” is to distract the focus on accountability away from the person, leader manager or team member who has failed to deliver on promised actions or results.

  1. I didn’t mean to!
  2. I didn’t do IT on purpose!
  3. SO what did you say the plan was?
  4. We’ve got to stop focusing on the past and move forward from here.
  5. I just want to do the right thing!
  6. I’m not trying to act like a control freak here!
  7. And one more thing…
  8. There you go again!
  9. Who’s going to be responsible for ironing out these wrinkles?
  10. Who’s to say when somebody should change?
  11. It’s the way it’s always been.
  12. Don’t blame me, my attention span is shot.
  13. It’s not my fault!
  14. I know I can be a royally difficult person, sometimes.
  15. Think positive…I think things will be O.K.
  16. Most of your problems are in your head!
  17. Let’s cross that bridge when we get to it!
  18. You don’t have to read my mind because I speak my mind!
  19. If you don’t focus on the negative…bad stuff won’t happen.
  20. Why do you always have to be SO negative?
  21. When I don’t physically feel good…I can get pretty grumpy.
  22. I’m not wishy-washy because I have strong opinions about everything!
  23. Do ya’ know what I’m talking about?
  24. Don’t you agree with me on this one?
  25. I’ve got to be honest with you here…
  26. If you don’t speak up, I can’t hear your feedback!
  27. You’ve gotta’ know where I am at with that!
  28. I don’t back down when I’m right…I press my point.
  29. I don’t see that…I don’t see it that way.
  30. If you don’t keep moving, you get bored.
  31. This will tell you how I feel about IT!
  32. This is about them (you)…not me!
  33. You’ve got to be more direct with me.
  34. Am I supposed to be a mind reader?
  35. That’s not what I meant…you’re twisting my words.
  36. I always try to make the right decision but I’m not perfect.
  37. I’m not afraid…I choose to take action and think positively.
  38. Perhaps I’m not there, yet, but I’m doing my best.
  39. I didn’t do IT intentionally.
  40. I didn’t do it intentionally to spite you.
  41. IT wasn’t my intention to hurt or disrespect you.
  42. I’m sorry you’re upset.
  43. I’m sorry this upsets you SO much!
  44. I think it’s fair.
  45. I’ve done everything I could do.
  46. You blaming me BUT it’s not my fault.
  47. Who could I have seen IT coming?
  48. Who could have guessed THAT would happen?
  49. I didn’t exactly promise that I would do it.
  50. IT’s not going to happen…why don’t you trust me?
  51. Why does everything have to be on your timetable?
  52. You’re taking this all wrong…don’t guilt trip me.
  53. You’ve got IT all wrong.
  54. Don’t take this wrong BUT…
  55. It’s not how it sounds…it’s not as bad as it sounds!
  56. I feel good where I’m at in this project!
  57. I feel good about where this is going!
  58. Nothing’s perfect…so why do you expect me to be?
  59. I know I can come off pretty strong, sometimes!
  60. I’ve always been a pretty strong-willed person…I have a strong personality type!
  61. That’s not exactly what I said…you misheard me.
  62. I don’t see it…I don’t see that…I don’t see a problem here!
  63. I think things are looking pretty good.
  64. I can’t complain.
  65. I can’t complain…no one would listen, anyway.
  66. I can tell IT will work out…I feel good about it.
  67. I’m lucky to have SUCH a good life…and I’m even more excited about the future.
  68. Why worry about it? You can’t control everything.
  69. There’s nothing you can do about IT…so why worry?
  70. Emotions can run away with you, sometimes, if you allow them too.
  71. I can be pretty high strung sometimes…I need to take a “chill pill.”
  72. Talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words.
  73. Things are pretty black-and-white here.
  74. It’s not like I tried to make this happen or did it on purpose.
  75. I agree this is a mess…SO now what are WE going to do about it?
  76. You’ve got to be more reasonable and logical about this problem.
  77. This is beginning to tick me off!
  78. I know BUT…
  79. Of course I like to win, who doesn’t?
  80. You’ve got to pick your battles…is this one worth fighting for?
  81. I don’t do IT ALL the time!
  82. When was the last time I did that?!
  83. What can I say, I’m a screw-up.
  84. Hey, THEY do IT more than I do.
  85. I should learn to take my own good advice.
  86. I’m simply not going to put up with it!
  87. You don’t understand what I’m trying to say.
  88. SO what’s your point?
  89. It’s never been easy for me to relax and do nothing.
  90. IT doesn’t exist if you don’t talk about it forever and a day.
  91. Who doesn’t like to be in the right?
  92. People have to be held responsible and accountable, you know.
  93. I’m a pretty decent debater…I can hold my own.
  94. I don’t know exactly what you mean…what you’re trying to get at here.
  95. Do we have to talk about everything under the sun?
  96. We can’t talk about IT…so let’s agree to disagree.
  97. How am I supposed to answer that?
  98. What good does IT do to listen to others’ long list of problems?
  99. Out of respect, I give people plenty of space when they have emotional problems.

TALK LIKE AN INSTIGATOR?

So now you know how to talk like an Instigator communicator who is evasive and evading taking responsibility for their negative words or actions! Sometime soon, I am going to teach you how to talk, and what to tune in to, when you talk to an Empathizer communicator. In doing so, oh…the communication places you will go.

You deserve to delight in the power of positive communication to leave your woes, worries and discouragements behind in the rearview mirror of your life. Sure, you may make a pit stop every now and then BUT you won’t run out of gas!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is available in the resource store at his Web site www.drogrady.com. Dr. O’Grady leads workshops, and provides business consulting, about two new communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators. Let’s take “playing by the rules” as a fun example. Empathizers or E-types expect others to make the rules, while Instigators or I-types expect others to play by the rules they make. Likewise, take “grudge matches or grudge keeping.” E-types daily wipe their slate clean which can create co-dependency, while I-types keep accounting records of rights vs. wrongs that can lead into a co-dependency. Knowing who you’re talking to in the workplace by communicator type and temperament, makes all the difference in the “mood” in your workplace and the “effectiveness” of your management team.

Boost Your Attitude

I tell my youngest daughter Kasey (and myself) when she gets all funky and grumpy: “Change your attitude!” And when she goes off on an inappropriate conversational tangent, I say: “Change the subject!”

PUMP UP YOUR ENERGY

That kind of thinking is both helpful and a comic relief when my last nerve has been ripped from my brain and my immortal patience stripped from my soul. BUT how do you pump up your energy when your attitude has been flattened by stress or stressful people or relationships at home or work?

CHANGE THE SUBJECT

You TOO can be as happy as a clam at high tide when you apply positive communication tools and principles FOUR minutes each day. That’s right…four minutes, five times a week. Can you afford four minutes to improve your confidence? You can’t afford not to.

PUMPING UP YOUR ENERGY WHEN YOUR ATTITUDE HAS BEEN FLATTENED BY STRESS

BUT here’s the catch: You actually have to use and apply these change communication principles…so look at people and SMILE sincerely at them as you:

1. “It’s not what people call you BUT what you answer to!”
What’s the point? Talk to the mirror of your mind. Disallow anyone from making up your mind or otherwise doing your thinking for you. Talk about your true thoughts, instead of allowing others’ rhetorical bullying or ill-fitting opinions to unduly influence you.

2. Change your “to do” list to a DO(NE) one.
What’s the point? Perfectionist-focused procrastinators make a “to do list” that just statically sits around waiting to be done. Prime your mind by using a DO(NE) list that makes you accountable for what you have/haven’t done.

3. Give yourself a WOW.
What’s the point? Give yourself a bow and a WOW (Words of Wisdom) by actively using everyday, common sense words of wisdom to change your life as you go about co-creating your day. For example, “Nobody’s perfect.” “It’s not who’s at fault that fixes a problem but WHAT new thing we can do that works.” “I can’t afford to give you a piece of my mind.” Or, “IF you drive me up a wall I WILL find a way(s) to climb back down again!”

4. Get a grip on griping.
What’s the point? Get a grip on grousing and griping about why others drive you up a wall. Instead, send a point-by-point email to yourself that lays out what goals you would like to achieve and the timelines you have. Others’ procrastination can’t drive you up a wall unless you allow it to.

5. Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can put into today.
What’s the point? Forget waiting…forget waiting for magic…forget waiting for miracles…forget waiting until your stars align just right. Wait no longer. DO something different today by being a student of effective communication. Imagine changing a little thing in your routine, such as parking in a new parking spot at work for a month without fail.

6. Free up time for a four-minute attitude adjustment.
What’s the point? “There’s nothing I can do about IT!” busts your attitude down to its bootstraps. By taking just four minutes a day to read something positive, you can pump up your mind with encouragers instead of feeling as flat as a pancake or as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockers.

7. Talk some sense to yourself.
What’s the point? The blame and shame game forces you to talk to yourself in limiting ways about who’s to blame for what and what you would REALLY like to say to an offender to even the score. By focusing on what you’re NOT getting and who’s to blame for it, you stay stuck in a rut spinning your tires getting nowhere fast by focusing your energy on loss.

8. Pop the BIG question.
What’s the point? Big isn’t better. In fact, all large accomplishments are made in a series of small steps taken in a timely manner. You want BIG? Pop the BIG question, and mull over in your mind: “What one small thing for a lifetime would I like to be known for?”

9. Go the extra (S)MILE.
What’s the point? Going the “extra mile” for a customer or lover endears you to others. Moreover, when you feel bad but go the extra (S)MILE you will uplift your mood to reach your goals.

10. Change the subject (focus) of your attitude to alter your mood.
What’s the point? If your inner chatter agitates you…then say out loud: Change the subject! Why focus on who’s to blame or what’s not working instead of WHAT will fix the problem? And why make things worse when your mood sucks pears by playing the greatest hits of anger or worry?

WHAT TO DO WHEN STRESS EVENTS NIP AT THE HEELS OF YOUR SELF-ESTEEM

You may not have much control over stress events that nip at the heels of your self-esteem, but you CAN pump up an attitude that has been flattened by stress, simply by using these simple and easy “talk sense to change yourself” strategies that are in the “Talk to Me” house. You have a lot more to say about your attitude during the day than does a passerby.

Here’s the catch point: Do you treat yourself to the kindnesses you expect others to treat you to? Well, why muck up your attitude and make things worse when your mood sucks pears?

Dennis O’Grady is founder of New Insights Communications and a professional psychologist who understands that the best kind of talking, counseling and therapy is the kind that establishes good communications skills and focuses on change….change for the better, change for the future, change that helps the world go forward instead of spinning and spinning in place.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional development training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is a leadership training and positive relationship workbook.

Executive Coaching Vs. Personal Counseling: How May I Help You Today?

All strong people need a helping hand sometimes. Maybe we feel down for the count, dispirited or just plain confused about why people do or don’t do what they say they will or won’t do. You’re not crazy if you want to talk to a professional. In fact, seeking help may be one of the most courageous decisions you ever make on behalf of your own confidence, peace of mind, self-esteem and leadership development. Worse-case scenario: Your well-meaning friends, work associates or teammates might advise you incorrectly because they are “too close” to your situation, and their bias may make things worse.

COMPARING THE COACHING AND COUNSELING WORLDS

As a psychologist, executive coach and relationship communication coach, I’m often asked: “SO Dennis, what’s the difference between executive coaching that my company or I pay for privately…and personal counseling that my insurance company will help pay for publicly? Is it only about money?” Actually, there is a world of difference between the coaching and counseling worlds, although the line is sometimes a bit fuzzy. Here are some helpful differences to be in the know about:

1. Personal counseling helps you find your answers through self-discovery.
 Executive coaching respects your opinions but gives you answers to “try on for size” and see how they fit.

2. Personal counseling is almost always done in person.
 Executive coaching can be done in person, by phone, over the Internet or by e-mail conferencing.

3. Personal counseling is fairly “non-directive,” where the counselee talks and the counselor patiently listens, coaxes and encourages.
 Coaching is VERY active and “directive.” Often the coach is speaking as much or more than the student; homework assignments are required.

4. Counseling is non-judgmental, patient and tolerant of repeated mistakes.
 Coaching is results-oriented, caring and carefully expects accountability instead of pat excuses.

5. Insurance companies will partially subsidize or pay for personal and family counseling if a medical diagnosis (e.g., “depression” or “anxiety”) is provided; that diagnosis becomes part of your permanent medical record.
 Executive coaching does not involve a medical diagnosis because it focuses instead on wellness; as a result, thus insurance coverage isn’t appropriate and there is no permanent record.

6. Counseling is more supportive of any reluctance to move outside the box or resist change.
 Coaching believes that “stretching” beyond your comfort zones leads to positive payoffs and that a firm shove now and then can work miracles.

7. Counseling presumes the client or patient has some pretty deep and intense personal issues that impede success.
 Coaching presumes the “student” or “skill learner” is competent, has stable moods and is able and willing to handle change and take suggestions to succeed better.

8. Counseling is open-ended, and agreed-upon meetings depend on progress or the “healing of illness.”
 Coaching is time-limited, and skills are sculpted by “focusing on talents and strengths.”

9. Counseling involves fairly deep analysis of personality and family issues to deal with past baggage that is tripping you up today.
 Coaching is very “now” or “present-centered” and focuses on “moving forward” and “solving problems” in order to attain better results NOW.

10. Counseling is supervised by your insurance company; if your insurer views the need as worthy of treatment, it can request further information at any time.
 Coaching involves only the parties you wish to involve; you alone (and the coach) keep the records of your achievements.

FLEXIBLY COPING WITH CHANGE

Being flexible and coping with change is what it’s all about. Don’t by shy to pay for the skills you will use your entire lifetime. Hiring a specialist to help you better yourself is still one of the best deals going today…whether you, your business or your insurance company help cover the cost. And remember, you may even be able to negotiate the fees during the first meeting if you have a legitimate case!

SELF-IMPROVEMENT OR MEDICAL ILLNESS?

Here’s a short list of some differences between coaching and counseling so you can determine if you want to pay privately or publicly for your communication services:

Coaching vs. Counseling =

Self-Improvement vs. Medical Illness
Learning vs. Healing
Present-Focus vs. Past-Focus
New Communication Patterns vs. Old Family Patterns
Problem-Solving vs. Understanding Problems
Psychological Confrontation vs. Psychological Excuses
We-Centered vs. Me-Centered
Whole Relationships vs. Broken Relationships
Positive Stress vs. Negative Stress
Results-Focused vs. Mood Focused
Doing vs. Talking

THERE’S NO FREE LUNCH

For more than 30 years, I’ve had the privilege to coach people from all walks of life, to provide individual and family counseling and in-depth psychological psychotherapy that sometimes lasts for decades because of the severity of the issues. Each approach has merit, depending on the goals you seek to achieve. One of the reasons counseling is selected is to get a “discount” off the tab. However, as we all know, there is no free lunch and you get what you pay for.

WHO SHOULD YOU CALL?

Interested in either coaching or counseling or intensive psychotherapy? My best suggestion is to INITIALLY go to a meeting with someone you’ve screened (by phone or e-mail/Internet) – someone who specializes in your TYPE of problem to solve…gets GOOD RESULTS with the type of problems you wish to QUICKLY RESOLVE …ENJOYS the work…and who will allow you to pay ONE TIME for an hour meeting to explore the SPECIFIC problem you have. Use that meeting to find out how quickly solutions can be moved into place for you and those you care about.

I know we all want to get a good deal, even if we have to “fudge” a little bit by saying we have a medical illness when in fact we are well. Shoot, I pay thousands of dollars for health insurance for my family, so why shouldn’t I use it? Well, I should use what works…fast. Don’t you agree?

Dennis O’Grady is founder of New Insights Communications and a professional psychologist who understands that the best kind of talking, counseling and therapy is the kind that establishes good communications skills and focuses on change….change for the better, change for the future, change that helps the world go forward instead of spinning and spinning in place.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional development training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is a leadership training and positive relationship workbook.