Keep It Simple

One of the best bits of business and leadership advice I’ve ever heard…and have successfully used so often in spite of myself is: “Keep it simple, sweetheart!” It’s easy to remember because of the acronym KISS. But I’d like to ask you to KISS and TELL: (T)alk, E(mpathize), L(isten), L(earn). In short, do YOU have the nerve and guts to ask for positive and negative feedback at work AND hear the truth?

GOT QUESTIONS…GET FEEDBACK?

Do you care enough to get involved with your team to ask three KISS questions? Of course you want honest feedback and to hear the truth, because accurate information solves problems. So ask three team members today:

1. “HEY, HOW’S IT GOIN’?” (Then listen to the under-500 word answer.)

2. “SO, WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE YOUR DAY GO BETTER?” (And try to do one of the suggestions in a little way.)

3. “HOW CAN I MAKE YOUR LIFE EASIER TODAY?” (And then nod affirmatively as you listen.)

ARE YOUR PEOPLE TOO INTIMIDATED TO TALK OPENLY TO YOU?

Hey, so how’s it been goin’, dear leader? SO…what can I do to make your day go better? How can I make your day easier NOW? Would you be surprised if I surveyed members of YOUR team and found out that they felt too intimidated to talk openly to you? Half of the time that’s exactly what I find out when providing group dynamics feedback during professional leadership and team building consultations. If you ask for honest and blunt feedback on a regular basis, and reward it, THEN the trust factor among team members is bound to be strong instead of splintered.

NERVOUS ABOUT NEGATIVITY:  TALK, EMPATHIZE, LISTEN, LEARN

Are you a negative communicator or are you a positive communicator?  Keep it simple, sweetie (KISS) and do TELL…(T)alk, (E)mpathize, (L)isten, and (L)earn. Don’t permit your people to feel too intimidated to talk openly and honestly with you. Nervous about negativity? Just remind yourself that asking for negative and positive feedback improves your team’s performance significantly!

ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional training in Dayton, Ohio, and surrounding areas. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” In this inspiring new executive coaching and leadership training program, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Empathizers “freeze up” and are reluctant to give helpful negative feedback while Instigators feel free to “let it rip” and speak their minds. Likewise, an E-type weakness is to put a relationship before the self while an I-type weakness is to put the self before a relationship. Like to find out “What’s Your Communicator Type?” If you believe you are the leader of your own life, one who is a continuously improving “great communicator”…then ask the three questions above to a “quiet but attentive” co-worker or team member today…and listen open-mindedly to the answers.

CommTool#12: “Are you saying THAT…?”

Getting clear about confusing communication while seated around the table of communication is the providence of the effective leader, romantic partner, negotiator, effective parent and deal-maker. Unclear communication fosters hard feelings and conflict, while clear communication energizes the team and simplifies problem-solving. If you use this tool, you would say: “Are you saying THAT unclear communication leads to others feeling cut off at the knees, unheard and stewing in resentment?” That’s right, Rambo.

UNSPOKEN LEVELS OF COMMUNICATION: “ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT…”

What “hidden agenda” is woven into the words in a sentence? What is being said without words, but implied, and forcefully implied at that. What isn’t said, but implied, particularly when fear is promulgated, often dictates the outcome of any communication. For example, “I’m not saying you aren’t a valuable employee…” or “I’m not spending all of my time thinking about divorcing you…” Both transactions imply you should fear loss, and that the other shoe may drop sometime very soon.

DIGGING OUT THE HIDDEN AGENDA BY ASKING DIRECTIVE QUESTIONS

Here is the way that CommTool #12 helps you clear up confusing transactions. You get clear about the real message behind the words by “UNCOVERING HIDDEN AGENDAS” when you ask a single, direct question. That clarifying question is “Are you saying THAT…?”

1. Confusing Talk: I’m not saying you aren’t a valuable employee, but…
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I need to improve my performance at work or my job may be at risk?

2. Confusing Talk: I’m not spending all of my time thinking about divorcing you.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…you have doubts about staying married to me?

3. Confusing Talk: You could be doing so much more.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m too lazy and unmotivated?

4. Confusing Talk: There you go again worrying!
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m thinking too much about much of nothing?

5. Confusing Talk: Why does it always fall to me? Why do I always have to be the one to get things done?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…you don’t trust any of us to delegate the tasks to?

6. Confusing Talk: You expect me never to make mistakes and always be perfect. Well, I can’t do that.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…since I’m the cause of the problem than I’m the solution to the problem?

7. Confusing Talk: This is really frustrating me.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m not doing my part to listen in ways to solve the problem?

8. Confusing Talk: Why do you always insist on interrupting me in mid-sentence?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m avoiding listening to a painful truth by jumping in and controlling the flow of the conversation?

9. Confusing Talk: I give up because you’re a better debater than me.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m arguing my point too forcefully and losing points with you?

10. Confusing Talk: I can’t focus long enough to get it done.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m distracting you too much to stay focused on doing the important things first?

11. Confusing Talk: Why do you care so much about what others think of you?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m dying trying too hard to get the approval of others who aren’t ever going to like me?

12. Confusing Talk: I know I’m in the wrong here.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…because you’re wrong you’re going to do something differently from here on?

13. Confusing Talk: Nothing I ever do is ever good enough for you.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m a nit-picking perfectionistic and trying to control you?

14. Confusing Talk: Why do I always have to push you to talk to me?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I don’t believe that we can talk without a great, big hassle happening?

15. Confusing Talk: Why should I have to change to make you happy?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…you don’t want to change in order to make yourself happy?

16. Confusing Talk: All you do is fill my bucket with your complaining.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I take on everybody else’s stuff so I don’t have to focus on myself?

17. Confusing Talk: You shouldn’t let it get to you so much.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I should think before I reject myself more after being rejected?

18. Confusing Talk: I tell people what I think even if they don’t like it.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…you don’t mind hurting others feelings when you’re ticked off and talk out of bounds?

19. Confusing Talk: I’m too afraid to fail, and too afraid to succeed, so I act indecisive.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…you’ve got “plausible procrastination” and excuse-making down to an art form?

20. Confusing Talk: We’re spinning our wheels and going nowhere.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m agreeing to be comfortably stuck in a rut with you again?

21. Confusing Talk: Can’t you ever be on time for once?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…my being late is a show of disrespect to you that I’m intending?

22. Confusing Talk: Why do you always have to be so negative?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m missing out on something by not agreeing with you and being so negative and too lazy to be positive?

23. Confusing Talk: I’ve been doing it for so long, it’s next to impossible to stop.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…although I hear your pont of view that you know very well I don’t agree with you?

24. Confusing Talk: Why aren’t you ever satisfied or happy?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m the leader of my life and in charge of my happiness?

25. Confusing Talk: I can’t get my weight under control since my family stress doubled.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I could help you get your stress under better control?

SHOWING UP AND CHOOSING YOUR ATTITUDE

I’m not a dreamer. If a smooth operator wants to stay “veiled” and “hide their agenda” from you, chances are you will be fooled. But at least you will have the pleasure of having the last laugh when their subterfuge is foiled!

I know this all sounds a bit paranoid. BUT I am saying THAT I can’t control what people say, and too often people say what will forward their show while using you as a prop. Hey, no problem. Let’s just be clear about it!

CHECK OUT THESE PREVIOUS COMMTOOLS

CommTool#11: SO, WHAT’S YOUR POINT

CommTool#10: IF THE SHOE FITS, BABY

CommTool#9: I NEED YOU TO KNOW I’M FEELING SCARED

CommTool#8: NOW HEAR THIS MY DEAR MIND

CommTool#7: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT

CommTool#6: I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT

CommTool#5: WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ME

CommTool#4: CHANGE…THE DAMN RECORD

CommTool#3: WHY ‘IT’S NOT FAIR’ IS SUPREMELY FAIR

CommTool#2: IS THIS GOOD FOR ME?

CommTool#1: YOU’VE SAID THAT ALREADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional development training in Dayton, Ohio, and surrounding areas. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” In this inspiring new executive coaching, relationship improvement and leadership training program, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Empathizers back down from verbal confrontations while Instigators don’t hold back speaking their minds. You can get a thumbnail sketch of you and your co-communicators type by clicking on the link “What’s Your Communicator Type.” If you believe you are a “good communicator” then ask the Communication Tools (CommTools) questions above to a co-worker or family member…and then listen open-mindedly to the answers. You will be surprised what you learn when you have the pluck to ask directive questions and the hear/listen to the answers.

Do You Think Too Much?

Do you run around in your life with your hair on fire worrying? Do you think you think way too much, sometimes? Why worry? About 83% of your daily conversation is the good or bad talking you give yourself inside your own skull. When you talk negatively to yourself, by asking yourself impossible riddles that are worry-conducive, these unanswerable riddles will riddle your confidence and self-esteem. So the point of this article is to teach you how to disrupt negative thoughts on the fly that ground your attempts to soar as a positive person.

ARE YOU UNINTENTIONALLY LOWERING OR RAISING YOUR CONFIDENCE LEVEL?

Here are some examples of negative talking that chip away at your peace of mind and shatter your mind into pieces that start a worry avalanche.

I worry too much.

I must like driving myself nuts!

I re-hash my decisions…until I confuse myself.

I think too much.

I let people get away with murder. I’m too darn nice.

I question whether or not I did the right thing.

I’m probably being too cautious in the face of criticism.

I doubt myself and change horses in mid-stream.

I question if I’m destined to be a negative person.

I should be more disciplined and assertive.

I hate feeling sorry for myself but I feel at such a loss.

I wonder if I will make the same relationship mistakes again.

I ought to stop thinking about these things but I can’t seem to stop.

I dwell on the negative WAY TOO MUCH!

WHO ME, WORRY? NOTHING BAD’S GOING TO HAPPEN, ANYWAY

Well, you get the idea. You can worry about what you did, what you’re doing or how you’re going to manage an uncertain future. Your logical-emotional thinking than spins out of your control, as you worry…worry…and worry some more in ineffective ways that make you feel insecure and unsure of taking creative or novel positive actions that will net nifty results.

DISRUPTING NEGATIVE YOUR THINKING

Talking sense to yourself is pretty easy to do…just you try it and find out for yourself. Typically, negative thoughts escalate negative emotions which fuel increased negative thinking which de-rails your confidence and makes you rail against yourself for being so darn easy to manipulate! Here’s a quick course on interrupting repetitive negative thoughts that lead to nowhere:

1. Listen to the inner-personal chatter that chips away at your self-confidence.

2. Isolate one negative thought to disrupt. Example: “Why do I think too much?” or “Why do I always have to be SO negative?”

3. Disrupt the question-doubting question by decisively talking assertively to yourself.

4. Answer assertively: “This is a riddle that leads to nowhere. I’m not going to bug myself with questions that have no answer. I choose not to back myself into a corner of worrying! Let’s change this damn worry record!”

5. Pat yourself on the back, by saying: “I am in charge of my own mind. I’m not going to trash my self-confidence by talking nonsense to myself right now.”

IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED…TRY, TRY DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT

Inner-personal talk tools really work well. Negative thoughts that riddle your self-esteem are simply bad habits that you can disrupt with a little practice and chutzpah. The results of negative inner chatter are the same for you and me: namely, worrying lowers your self-esteem…while the results of assertive self-talk protects your prized self-esteem and relationships…all the while still being genuine and responsive in the face of defeats.

Talk some sense to yourself today…you can do it! Just you try it and see.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional development training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is a leadership training and relationship enhancement workbook you can order in the resource store at his Web site www.drogrady.com. In this inspiring new communication program, you will learn about two new communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators. E-types are prone to worrying too much while I-types are prone to putting their worries on the shelf. You can “find out your type” and receive your comprehensive communicator style report by clicking on “What’s Your Communicator Type.”

The Hummingbird Effect: The Harder You Try…The Behinder You Get, Sometimes

In a previous article, I vividly described “The Hummingbird Effect” in a metaphor to illustrate that sometimes when trying harder and harder and more frantically and urgently doing more of what doesn’t work to solve a problem—actually encourages the dreaded problem to continue AND get larger and enlarge into a megalo-fear. In the story of the Hummingbird that I told, you learned how the harder “Birdee” flew UP knocking her head against the white ceiling of my garage, the more disoriented and “lost” she became.

GETTING OUT OF THE BOX YOU FIND YOURSELF IN

The solution, of course, was to fly DOWN and circle BACK to get out of the box. Just goes to show, the solutions to your problem in your organization, company or family may not be to go UP and FORWARD…but to go fly down and circle back, sometimes. So, think of the “The Hummingbird Effect” and other animal parables the next time you feel panicked and trapped in a box that you haven’t designed but a box you need to exit, nonetheless.

SO HOW TO SCORE A NEW START TO SOLVE OLD PROBLEMS?

Here are NINE WAYS TO SCORE A NEW START TO OLD PROBLEMS AT WORK AND HOME:

1. BE FULL OF INTEGRITY…NOT FULL OF ‘IT’

2. BLAME THE BOONDOGGLE, NOT THE BIRD

3. DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE OTHER FEATHER DROPPING…BECAUSE IT WILL

4. ANXIETY IS BORROWING TROUBLE…SO DON’T TAKE OUT A LOAN

5. YOU CAN FIX STUPID BY DOING LESS OF WHAT ISN’T WORKING…AND DOING MORE OF WHAT IS WORKING

6. BE A SMART COMMUNICATOR: KNOW THE HARDER YOU TRY, THE BEHINDER YOU GET, SOMETIMES

7. WHEN YOU TIRE YOURSELF OUT…REST AND RE-FUEL

8. IF WHAT ISN’T WORKING STILL ISN’T WORKING…TRY DOING THE OPPOSITE FOR A CHANGE

9. DO LESS WHEN DOING MORE ISN’T WORKING OUT SO WELL FOR YOU

So when at first you don’t succeed…try, try doing something different! In fact, good leaders know how “IT’s NOT FAIR!” IS supremely fair.

ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional development training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is a relationship development and leadership training workbook. In this results-driven new communication program, you will learn the crucial differences and derailment factors between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Dr. O’Grady leads workshops, and provides executive coaching, leadership development and business consulting, on how to get along with everyone by talking more effectively. Dr. O’Grady’s goal is to give people a new understanding as they drive down the two-way communicator highway. For a synopsis of Dr. O’Grady’s leadership development book, please visit http://www.drogrady.com/web_Mailer.html.

Why Let One Bad Egg, Crack Your Confidence?

Does your confidence level push you to get things done or does it pull you down some? All you have to do is open a newspaper, as I did recently, and you will find an increase in mental health services to reduce stress, anxiety, depression, post-traumatic reactions and grief in the workplace (USA Today, 8/22/06, by Stephanie Armour). Not that these growing services to help workers are a bad thing, but the unspoken issue is that some negatalker is running down your mood, breaking your confidence and placing you at risk to join “the walking wounded at work.” You can manage your mood on your own much better than you might imagine – when you’re willing to put minutes a day into doing so.

BETTER YOUR BEST ATTITUDE

As a 30-year executive coach and leadership development communications psychologist, I see and hear powerful proof every day of how a single bad-egg supervisor or partner negatively impacts your mood, draining the energy you need to get things done. Oh, how your mood can be run down or tripped up in the workplace and in the family love space! The psycho-behavioral impact: The lower your mood…the less able and confident you feel to take risks and get good things done…when you’ve promised to do them. Or am I just making one big whopping psycho-babbling (g)rumbling brook of an excuse? You know best. Who or what pumps up your mood…and who or what deflates your mood and confidence level?

GETTING THINGS DONE AT WORK: THE NEW INSIGHTS CONFIDENCE POLL

I thought I would find out what it’s like for most folks at the busy intersection of Bad Mood Boulevard and Stay Focused Street. I asked responders to tell me if their “confidence level” (a self-perception scale of mood intensity ranging from negative to neutral to positive) was the KEY to various work habits. The results show that mood and your confidence level are linked to just about EVERY work habit under the corporate sun.

MY “CONFIDENCE LEVEL” IS THE KEY TO:

1. 0…Zero percent…………….RESOLVING DISPUTES

2. 5.26%………GETTING DIFFICULT THINGS DONE AT WORK

3. 0%…………..EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION STRATEGIES

4. 15.79%…………………MY MOOD

5. 0…Zero percent………RELATIONSHIP SATISFACTION

6. 78.95%…………………ALL OF THE ABOVE

YOUR CONFIDENCE LEVEL AFFECTS JUST ABOUT ALL YOU DO AND HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT WHAT YOU DO AND DON’T DO

So, does one bad apple of a supervisor, team member or romantic partner spoil your lunch? Yes, it’s true. My proof: Your confidence level or worker self-esteem has been effectively studied and measured in the leadership development literature and on the real-life field of occupational testing. For further proof of what you intuitively know about relational stress on your self-esteem, please read Dr. Robert Hogan’s outstanding discussion of key research applications related to confidence level in his latest book: “Personality and The Fate of Organizations.” Dr. Hogan’s book is available at www.erlbaum.com. Dr. Hogan brilliantly and assertively discusses “models of bad management,” “studies of failed managers” and how “the personality disorders” relate directly to “managing impressions of success” and “giving off a pleasing personal appearance”…when the reality is a lousy mood and ineffectiveness of many modern-day workers. So, does one bad apple spoil your lunch?

WHAT IS THE SINGLE BIGGEST IMPACT ON YOUR CONFIDENCE LEVEL?

What is the single biggest impact on your confidence level? Well, how positive your family relationships are for one. If you are stressed and stretched at home, and if you are stretched thin in your coping energy reserves, then you are going to work as a “wounded warrior,” or “the working wounded” as Joseph Calabrese, director of the University of Cleveland’s mood disorders program has been quoted as saying. That being said…you are still the leader of your life, in charge of your mood and of communicating effectively in all of your relationships to boost your mood and bust the blues!

NOW GET READY FOR THIS NEWSFLASH YOU TALK ACCIDENT VICTIMS AT CONGESTED COMMUNICATION INTERSECTIONS

In Chapter 6, Dr. Hogan (“Personality and The Fate of Organizations”) relays a stunning research finding (but perhaps not at all surprising to those of us who work in the trenches and suffer from shell shock at work): “About 75% of the workforce surveyed will say that the worst single aspect of their job, the most stressful aspect of their job, is their immediate supervisor.” For all you skeptics out in Webville…the research was done in 1948, 1958, 1969 and 1998 in London, Baltimore, Seattle and Honolulu—across a wide variety of occupational groups…still the most stressful part of your job is an immediate supervisor who is IMPOSSIBLE!

WHAT IS THE MOST STRESSFUL PART OF YOUR JOB—WHAT DEFLATES YOUR CONFIDENCE THE MOST?

In my clinical studies of executive coaching and relationship counseling results and outcomes, I’ve found these 7 factors directly and massively impact your confidence level on THE TWO-WAY COMMUNICATION HIGHWAY:

1. FLAT TIRES: Unresolved family or extended family issues with loss or grief management components. Losing a close friend or divorce falls into this category.

2. LOW ON GAS: Working for an “impossible boss” who militaristically makes you mad to motivate you.

3. CLUNKING ENGINE: Not doing what works to “tune up” one’s attitude or life…doing what doesn’t work and feeling depressed due to self-prescribed failures.

4. ROAD RAGE: Psycho-critiques and guilt trips that proclaim you’re not worth much.

5. NO BRAKES: Careening out of control by racking up financial bills or debt that is overwhelming.

6. LAZY OR INATTENTIVE DRIVERS: Team players who don’t keep their word and pass around hand grenades of bad feelings with the pin pulled out. Gossiping and using others fits here.

7. OVERHEATED ENGINE: Secretive bullying or passive-aggressive “slow down” or “take this” paybacks in the workplace.

WHAT’S THE POINT? WHY LET ONE BAD EGG, CRACK YOUR CONFIDENCE?!

Your confidence level is tremendously impacted by all the people, negative or neutral or positive, you are closest to as you go about moving between family team and work team. Especially negative people who broker power…and get off on getting you down…are the biggest de-motivational culprits and spirit-killers.

When I was a child, I was given the advice to JUST IGNORE stupid behavior and stupid people who are mean-spirited power-mongers. I’ve discovered since that advice doesn’t always work very well, and actually contributes to the problem of crucifying your confidence level. Instead, I recommend you become the leader of your own life and boost your attitude every day inputting the positive. What’s the point? Why let one bad egg…one impossibly difficult person who doesn’t perceive there is a problem and therefore won’t change anything about their negative behavior…crack your confidence!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady, who likes to think of himself as a good egg, is also the author of newly published Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone. He’s the chief egg and founder of New Insights Communication in Dayton, Ohio.

Previous New Insights Communication Polls have included “If You’re Scoring At Home, Are You Scoring At Work?“…”What’s Up With Your Confidence Level?“… “When You Argue, Are You Always Right?” … “Are You Shy or Stuck Up?”… “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?” Read more about the challenge of leadership, and other topics about executive coaching, business consulting, leadership training and communication skills here four minutes every day of the week to make change happen fast and last.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional training in Ohio and surrounding states. Knowing who you’re talking to in the workplace by communicator type (Empathizer or Instigator) and temperament (Introvert or Extrovert)–makes all the difference in the “mood” in your workplace and the “effectiveness” of your management team.