The Hummingbird Effect

Today’s lesson, “The Hummingbird Effect,” starts with a story, as all good lessons do:

“A short time ago, in a land near by, a hummingbird was trapped in my garage early on a summer morning. It couldn’t find a way out, and it spent all its energy and drive flitting furiously back and forth looking for the exit. I got plenty worried about that beautiful, Lilliputian, fast birdie (I’ve always cottoned to hummingbirds because like angels, now you see them and now you don’t!). I was rushing to an important meeting, but I couldn’t leave that little bird to survive on its own or die. Besides, my teenage daughter, Erin, was watching if I would show compassion to “lessers” than me. HUMmingbird…what should I do? Get some dynamite…lock the door…ignore the problem…miss my important meeting and what excuse could I use, anyway? A hummingbird tied me up in my garage?

THE HARDER YOU TRY…THE BEHINDER YOU GET, SOMETIMES

Why all the cognitive consternation? Why couldn’t I just drive off and “let nature take its course?” Hey, have you ever looked into the forlorn eyes of a sensitive teen AND the darting eyes of a dastardly bird all at the same time? I couldn’t “bear” it…the guilt would be too terrible. I couldn’t find a lot to laugh about, my friend! Get the dreadful picture: This “storyline” took place in upper-class suburbia, and pitted one business consultant and family man (lucky father of three interesting daughters, females who love all of Mother Nature’s critters)…against one fast little bird who kept hitting her teeny tiny head against the wall, hard…bang-banging-thumpin’-and-lumpin’ HARD! What’s a poor dad and communications psychologist and executive coach supposed to do?

ARE YOU FULL OF INTEGRITY OR FULL OF IT?

Are you ever in a trap of your own making? I could hear the bang…bang…banging of that precious little head hitting the ceiling hard and almost feel the breeze coming at me from the frantically-twirling and twisting wings in thin air. Why all the muss and fuss? Well, this little bird was in a trap of its own making. Now, I’m not blaming “Birdee” or her predicament. All I’m saying is that Birdee flew herself into this mess and although she made her bed of a garage, I couldn’t let her remain in it. I would not let this outcome stand; besides which, I would feel tons of guilt about being a terrible father if my daughter thought I was “heartless and gutless.” (Teens and employees alike sometimes have a way of rammin’ ethics and integrity down our throats, now don’t they all you leaders, parents and managers?)

SINCE ANXIETY IS BORROWING TROUBLE, DON’T TAKE OUT A LOAN

Oh, my, how the little feathers flew! My oldest teenage daughter and I, felt SO sorry for the little banged-up bird, that we attempted a brave and risky “rescue” that included the use of a ladder. (I’m phobic of ladders because so many of my friends and colleagues have fallen off them, nearly killing and maiming themselves). Erin named our new-found friend, who was acting VERY dim and grim, “Birdee.” The struggle got personal very fast, as many of our struggles do at work and home.

BLAME THE BOONDOGGLE NOT THE BIRD

We almost shouted, “Why won’t you let us help you, you dang-blasted bird?!” I was starting to blame the bird for its own boondoggle. Are you like our Hummingbird and involved in work or activity that is wasteful, or pointless, but gives the appearance of having value? The definition of “boondoggle” is an activity or project that is trivial and wasteful of time, energy or money. Something of little practical value but strongly in political favor.

WHEN AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED…TRY, TRY DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT…WHY DON’T YOU?

The thumping of Birdee’s head against the ceiling was sickening. I guess Birdee must have thought the way out of this box was to fly up and out. Perhaps 53 times before, the solution to the problem puzzle was to “fly up and out,” but NOT this time. In fact, this time the old solution had become THE problem. And Birdee was getting her brains knocked out of her fast as her wings could beat a minute…and subsequently flying harder and faster and harder and faster and…WHEW. I was getting dizzy just watching her while Erin was losing hope and worrying that Birdee would die, right there in our garage.

BEATING YOUR HEAD AGAINST A WALL AT WORK?

This experience showed and taught me one-more-time (Hey, are you ready to hear again what you know but sometimes fail to use because your brains are rattling loose in your skull as you beat against a wall of resistance?) that when at first you don’t succeed…DO try doing something different, including doing the OPPOSITE of what you’re currently doing. OR you can choose to keep being thick-headed and doing what you’ve always done and banging your head up against an immovable wall. Stay the course, and you can give yourself a gigantic headache and get stuck in a cobweb of stress that will clip your wings and steal your zing.

YOU CAN’T SEE THE NOSE ON YOUR FACE UNLESS A COACH CARINGLY HOLDS UP A MIRROR

Short story: Sometimes, you, your boss or teammates can’t see the solution to a problem, the same way you can’t see the nose on your face unless someone caringly holds up a mirror. That’s why you pay communications consultants, professional relationship counselors, mentors and teachers, or personal trainers and spiritual advisors of all kinds to help you see the forest for the trees. If you are living in your own world, and failing to take advantage of helpful resources who are experts in their niches of expertise, then you’re doing just that: living in your own world. Perhaps you are a legend in your own mind…but you’re going to get your wings clipped when you least expect them to.

ARE YOU DASHING FURIOUSLY HERE-AND-THERE AND GETTING NOWHERE?

You see, this little greenish-blue Tinkerbell of a hummingbird was trapped in my three-car garage on what should have been one very fine summer day THAT morning…beating its wings at 3,457 times per minute AND flying about, furiously dashing here and there. Now get this: The garage doors were wide open but the little bird couldn’t “see the light” to exit his box. She kept doing more and more and more of what wasn’t working to solve the problem. “Birdee” was failing the “FLEXIBILITY VS. STRESS TEST.” Ah, SO many people at work are SO busy working on SO much of nothing. Just because you look, ACT busy or leave others with the impression that your time is crunched, doesn’t necessarily mean that you are getting done what is most important to do to “solve a problem and move on.”

GIVE UP ON GIVING UP

I’ll tell you in a minute about Birdee’s outcome. But I will tell you now that I was up on a ladder…trying to catch “Birdee” in a fishing net…late for a meeting in Toledo…brainstorming with my teenager…trying to stay calm…watching little feathers begin to pop off “Birdee” as she kept hitting her head against “the wall” of the garage ceiling. What was my goal…what was I trying to accomplish…how long before I should give up and quit. Or should I take the pill of my own advice, and: “Give up on giving up?!”

IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS…CHANCES ARE YOU WON’T BUMBLE OR STUMBLE ON THE SOLUTION.

“Why won’t you do something different, Birdee?” I urgently fussed. “Why can’t you fly out the open garage doors into the world you are seeking instead of flying back-and-forth and up-and-down with the doors wide-open on this fine summer day?” I frustratingly mused. The problem, you can tell, was that this fragile tiny jasmine creature that hovers as fast as a jet and is thrice as pretty…couldn’t solve the problem of getting back out of the box she had inadvertently put herself in. In fact, Birdee wasn’t aware that she had put herself in the box at all and probably hadn’t studied the “box problem” to even know the parameters of the problem. If you don’t know what constitutes a problem, how can you devise a complete solution and know why it works?

CHANGE HAPPENS WITH OR WITHOUT YOU

The end of the Hummingbird story is a happy one. Birdee got caught in a cobweb in the garage corner, and I could get my net around her. Erin and I gently removed the cobwebs from her wings, and watched the barely moving body and chest pump for desperately needed air. I had never seen a hummingbird up so close. We laid Birdee on my white handkerchief and in a bit…Birdee flew off none the worse for the wear and terror into the bright day. And in fact, while writing this…Erin and Riley and I just saw “Birdee” fly by our window to the flower bush in our sideyard…and my daughters (and I) screamed their delight.

Always remember: Sometimes trying harder is the solution…and sometimes it’s NOT! When in doubt: Do something different…even do the opposite of what you’re doing that isn’t working…and fly away from the trap you find yourself wrapped up in.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional development training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is a leadership training workbook and is available in the resource store at his Web site www.drogrady.com. In this inspiring new communication program, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Dr. O’Grady leads workshops, and provides leadership executive coaching and business consulting, about two new communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators. Chances are the person you struggle with the most, and whom you think of as a “difficult person,” is in fact your opposite communicator who is comfortable with what you are uncomfortable with. You can “test your type” and receive a free communicator type feedback report by clicking on the link “What’s Your Communicator Type.”

Communicator Type Talk

There are two new types of communicators in town, and knowing your type and who you’re talking to by type, will speed your travels down the two-way communication highway. The first order of communication business then, is to know and appreciate your own “natural” communicator type. Thus, even when you take an unintended detour, you will be able to enjoy the scenery and not feel frustrated by putting your foot in your mouth. You and I are either an Empathizer communicator (E-type) or an Instigator communicator (I-type). Which one are you? And no, you can’t be both!

ARE YOU AN EMPATHIZER (E-TYPE) COMMUNICATOR OR AN INSTIGATOR (I-TYPE) COMMUNICATOR?

By downloading and skimming chapter 1 of my book TALK TO ME, you will know what your communicator type is, and why adopting the strengths of your opposing communicator type is SO crucial to effective communication, professional leadership development training and relationship stress management at work and in your personal relationships.

Skim the following “big picture” set of opposing communicator traits to get a quick “feel” or “mindset” for the two types of players on this talk planet named EMPATHIZERS AND INSTIGATORS:

1. Empathizer (E-type) communicators: E-types experience the self as interpersonally sensitive
Instigator (I-type) communicators: I-types experience the self as interpersonally insensitive

2. Empathizers: E-types drive from their strength of empathy
 Instigators: I-types drive from their strength of genuineness

3. Empathizers: Failure and rejection stings E-types…
 they have difficulty getting beyond the past
Instigators: Failure and rejection rolls off the back of I-types…
 they forget the past and move on

4. Empathizers: When stressed, E-types feel negative and then unexpectedly “act out” in negative behaviors
Instigators: When stressed, I-types think negative and then unexpectedly “talk out” in negative words

5. Empathizers: E-types ding their opposite communicator type (I-types) for being too stubborn and hard-headed
Instigators: I-types ding their opposite communicator type (E-types) for being too soft and wishy-washy

6. Empathizers: E-types listen inclusively with “three” ears, including what’s said non-verbally between the lines of unspoken talk
Instigators: I-types listen selectively with “one” ear with a goal to catch only the top headlines in the Daily Talk news

7. Empathizers: E-types’ Achilles Heel: Can become lost in the fog of feeling down, sad and blue
Instigators: I-types’ Achilles Heel: Can become lost in the fog of impatience, irritation, and anger

8. Empathizers: E-types are relationship experts who are natural-born “people fixers”
Instigators: I-types are strategic experts who are natural-born “problem fixers”

9. Empathizers: E-types struggle with low self-esteem or the glass-is-half-empty negativism
Instigators: I-types suffer from excessive self-esteem or the glass-is-half-full thinking that optimizes the negative

10. Empathizers: E-types “feel deeply” about relationship impacts in order to make life changes
Instigators: I-types “think deeply” about career impacts in order to make life changes

11. Empathizers: E-types’ feelings get hurt too easily-too thin-skinned-take things too personally
Instigators: I-types’ feelings don’t get hurt easily enough-too thick-skinned-don’t take things personally enough

12. Empathizers: E-types regret thinking too much before speaking and biting holes in their tongues
Instigators: I-types regret speaking too much before thinking and not biting enough holes in their tongue

13. Empathizers: E-types are prone to pleasing too much or telling you what you want to hear, and then holding grudges
Instigators: I-types are prone to displeasing too much or telling you what you don’t want to hear, and then withholding compliments

14. Empathizers: E-types under severe relationship distress negatively believe: “It’s always your way or the highway!”
Instigators: I-types under severe relationship distress negatively feel: “You’re right. It IS my way or the highway!”

15. Empathizers: An E-types’ secret wish is to be more assertive and speak more bluntly without beating around the bush
Instigators: An I-types’ secret wish is to be less aggressive and speak more diplomatically without beating a dead horse

16. Empathizers: E-types are natural-born team players with strong intuitive skills to use in the game of life
Instigators: I-types are natural-born leaders with strong personality types to use in the game of life

ARE THE TALK TYPES EVENLY DISTRIBUTED?

How many of each talk type are there running around? Statistically, 40% of all people are Empathizer communicators (E-types) while 60% of all people are Instigator communicators (I-types).

ADOPTING THE STRENGTHS OF YOUR OPPOSING COMMUNICATOR TYPE WHILE AVOIDING YOUR OWN ACHILLES HEEL

Empathizers and Instigators alike become far more effective by focusing on their own communicator strengths while adopting the strengths of their corresponding communicator type and at the same time avoiding their own Achilles Heel. Example: E-types are more productive problem-solvers when they become “insensitive” and don’t worry so much about what other people will think or say. In contrast, I-types are more flexible when they use “sensitive” people skills and think more about others’ feelings.

Example of an Achilles Heels: When E-types fail to “surf the stress wave” they will mess with your emotions and make you feel kicked in the gut. When I-types fall off their surf board while riding large waves of stress, they will mess with your mind and make your head spin. Neither style of communicating is better or worse…just different.

ARE YOU DRIVING ON A TWO-WAY COMMUNICATOR HIGHWAY?

Don’t worry if all traits don’t fit you exactly, since one size shoe doesn’t fit all communicators. Just get a feel for the talk pattern for each type. Then identify who you are talking to by type to triple the power of your talk tools! In short, knowing your own communicator type makes two-way positive communication travel on the relationship highway more sane, predictable and enjoyable.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional development training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is a leadership training workbook and is available in the resource store at his Web site www.drogrady.com. In this inspiring new communication executive coaching program, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Dr. O’Grady leads workshops, and provides leadership training and business consulting, about two new communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators. Chances are the person you struggle with the most, and whom you think of as a “difficult person,” is in fact your opposite communicator who is comfortable with what you are uncomfortable with. You can “test your type” and receive a free communicator type feedback report by clicking on the link “What’s Your Communicator Type.”

Surf The Stress Wave

Believe IT: Although your stress level may be very high, you will be able to cut that amount of personal strain in half, when you use the positive inner talk tools I feature in my book TALK TO ME. I’m not naïve. I realize many of you talk a good game of change, but when it comes right down to actually changing, you love to suffer and get yourself all riled up and running around like Chicken Little shrilling: “The sky is falling…my wave is crashing…I’m sunk and there’s nothing that I can do about it…I’m the victim here…Didn’t you hear me: I’m the victim here!”

10 POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGY TIPS OF SELF-LEADERSHIP

In my executive coaching meetings and leadership training seminars, I’ve found the following “10 Positive Psychology Tips of Self-Leadership” to be a really huge help IF you use them four minutes a day to remain calm when everyone around you is losing their heads or stressing out.

1. RISE TO THE PLAN. When you rise in the morning, calmly review in your mind what might be the top 3 “simple tasks” to get done today that might make a huge difference in feeling good about “getting the right things done in the right time frame.”

2. KEEP IT SIMPLE. Right when you get to work, be kid-like and scribble or jot the top tasks down in good old black-and-white ink on a Plan-It Note, so you can physically experience the thrill of crossing off the “DO(NE)” item in glee as you step through your day.

3. BE THE LEADER OF YOUR LIFE. You don’t really do this enough…take hold of your mind and set boundaries with your time and energy. You (and I) can get swept up in the “drama” of it all and fail to follow your own leadership directives. You’ll wear out before your time if you allow psychodramas that permit others to take you “off-course” with their “breathless urgencies and emergencies.”

4. ENCOURAGE YOURSELF DURING DISCOURAGING MOMENTS. How you respond to your “frantic self” is extremely important, and you can do so in a calm, compassionate, nurturing, “care-frontational” soothing tone of voice with practice. Example: “Hey, let’s go easy here, partner.” Or, “Things are bad enough, my friend …what good will be done by working yourself up into a frenzy…easy!?”

5. ACT GOOD WHEN YOU FEEL BAD. Tough to do, I know. But your emotions are not the master or leader of your actions, are they? YOU are the leader of your life and I’m dead serious about that fact, my fellow surfer! If calming self-talk doesn’t seem to calm the troubled waters…keep speaking reassuringly to yourself…because it sure can’t hurt and it sure beats the alternative!

6. RIDE OUT THE STRESS WAVE. Intense, stress-filled feelings rise and then crash on your self-esteem during your work day when you least expect them to; often, you feel as if you have no control over these wave-like feelings. But you do! Ride the stress wave on the sturdy surfboard of your daily goals and yearly passionate mission to stay sane.

7. RE-FOCUS ON THE FLY. The mind easily diverts itself from the directions you’ve given it. No one’s to blame. By being 1 degree off-course, though, you will eventually crash-land in a no-accomplishment zone of thorny aggravation.

8. TAKE A FOUR-MINUTE MENTAL VACATION. To refresh your energy, take an inspiring book, or bookmark a motivating Web page, and then slowly absorb a positive message of the day and use it or lose it!

9. USE INNER-PERSONAL TALK TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Using positive self-talk REALLY works if you DO IT. Treat yourself as you expect others to treat you. Example: “I will do for myself what others don’t or won’t do for me to be stress-free.” Chapter 5 in my book “Talk to Me” focuses exclusively on the art and science of positive self-talk.

10. JOKE WITH PEOPLE ON THE PHONE/NET. When I’m asked “So, how’s it goin’, Dennis?” I sometimes teasingly reply, “I’m awful.” Usually I receive a sympathetic response: “I’m sorry to hear that…sorry about your luck!” Then I add with a wry smile: “I’m AWE-FULLY good!” Since Empathizer communicators (E-types) are naturally simpatico, it’s also a fun way to find out the communicator type of whom I’m talking to…and make everyone laugh.

GO WITH THE FLOW… STRESS LEVELS ARE FLUID NOT SET IN CONCRETE

By using my powerful new inner-personal communication tools, you can ride the wave of stress instead of being whacked down by IT, even when you exist in the madcap world of work, the pressure cooker called home and the squeezing vice called raising O.K. kids. The psychological secret or key to de-stressing? RIDE the stress wave…be responsive instead of reacting blindly and anxiously to stress…and always, ALL-WAYS remember that you alone are the leader of your life. Or, you can have it your way and keep getting part-drowned and come up sputtering in the frothing whirlpools of stress at work.

TAKE AWAY HALF OF YOUR STRESS TODAY—BE THE LEADER OF YOUR LIFE

So, let’s not run around like chickens with our heads cut off screaming bloody murder. Or if you do…have some fun, because I’m not buying that you’re the victim here– ‘cause “I’m the victim here!” SO to be (or not to be) the psychological leader of your life, you need to experience being fearless during fearful times, many of which are self-created.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional development training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is a leadership training workbook and is available in the resource store at his Web site www.drogrady.com. Dr. O’Grady leads workshops, and provides leadership executive coaching and business consulting, about two new communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators. One example of a talk difference between the two is that an Empathizer-type communicator is at his or her best when relationship waters are calm, while an Instigator-type communicator is at her or his best when a crisis is burning or brewing. Knowing who you’re talking to in the workplace by communicator type and temperament, makes all the difference in the “mood” in your workplace and the “effectiveness” of your management team.

Psychological Excuses That Work To Keep People Off Your Back At Work

Don’t the head-spinning and logic-numbing excuses flow fast when people fail to perform their agreed-upon tasks or meet important deadlines at work? What today’s workplaces have in common are tons of logical-sounding excuses why managers, executives and team members alike have failed to perform as expected – that’s a tidbit I’ve found from my workshops and business consulting practice. Are we all getting too carried away with psychological excuses about why we shouldn’t be called on the carpet…and held accountable for the good results we’ve failed to deliver upon? You can bet your psychology license on it!

RATIONALIZING: LOGICAL SOUNDING REASONS FOR EXCUSING IRRESPONSIBLE BEHAVIOR

SO, IF talk is so cheap, are we ever going to learn anything important and use good stuff to fix what’s broken? Here are a few of my favorite leadership excuses that keep others focused on words instead of effective actions and productive outcomes.

1. TOO TIRED…PRESSURED…AND SO STRESSED OUT. This is the psychological excuse of being too tired, too busy to do it, too stressed out to deliver in-time, too moody to pull it off with a difficult person or project. The “too tired” excuse of being too fatigued is used to justify an inability to meet required minimum standards.

2. BEING LAZY. This is the psychological excuse of just “feeling off today and too lazy,” too unfocused, too mentally scattered, too upset due to a personal or family crisis to meet an important deadline or deliver a quality product. Works well in combination with “psychoexcuse” #1 to avoid feeling guilty for “forgetting” to do something on time and holding up everybody else on the team.

3. LIFE’S BEEN AWFUL TO ME…SYMPATHY STORY. This is the psychological excuse that life is going so gosh-awfully bad, and that stress circumstances are so overwhelming unfair, that normal performance is not morally justifiable at this time. The “life’s awful” excuse gets other people to feel bad for you and not hold you accountable for your actions. Works every time!

4. I’M AN IDIOT. This is the psychological excuse if I haven’t thought through consequences, or failed to think before I speak or act, then I can’t be held accountable for stupid actions I have taken or smart actions that I’ve failed to take. It’s good for getting sympathetic souls to offer extra help when a person isn’t helping out him- or herself.

5. MY MIND RACES. This is the psychological excuse of the “short attention span” or “my mind races and I can’t keep up with it.” The “wandering mind” is a great excuse to explain why I don’t take better physical or emotional care of myself. Works well to keep people from looking squarely at a lack of business ethics or integrity issues.

6. DON’T FOCUS ON THE BAD. This is the psychological excuse that “being negative begets more negative things to happen” so “don’t look at the mistakes because that’s discouraging team self-esteem,” or “just put bad outcomes in the past and don’t re-hash failure.” This is the leading cause of not learning to do something new, and promoting old habits that our bad for the health of our organizations that can be dys-fun-ctional.

Excellent leaders overcome personal and emotional stresses without ignoring or excusing them or allowing them to negatively impact their work performance. Humility and flexibility are key traits of successful leaders who are accountable and communicate in positive and realistic ways.

I’M TIRED…IT’S TOUGH

So, are you able to keep focus at work or is your mind filled with all of these types of psychological excuses, rationalizations, psychobabble, psychoanalytic poppycock and poor performance alibis? Say it ain’t so because it ain’t so! Listen to how your co-workers use psychological excuses to keep others off their back, and themselves off the hook of being responsible for what they do and what they fail to do.

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF LEADERSHIP: EXECUTIVE EXCUSES VS. EXECUTIVE LEADERSHIP COACHING

Learn from your past mistakes…practice using different and more “colorful excuses” but don’t take them seriously. Do learn from past errors, change what isn’t working, and come up with a better system of doing things that work at work. In fact, DO something new each day to improve your performance a little bit. Smile inwardly as you watch and hear others who “take the bait” and “buy the storyline” of why agreed-upon results have failed to materialize. Observe how problems are repeatedly swept under the doormat at work, only to pop up again causing additional problems that we all can get upset about.

Good talking to you! And talk to me about any favorite “psychological excuse” you’ve recently heard used that got a leader or co-worker “off the hook” at work to the loss of us all!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional development training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is a leadership training workbook and is available in the resource store at his Web site www.drogrady.com. Dr. O’Grady leads workshops, and provides leadership executive coaching and business consulting, about two new communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators. One example of a talk difference between the two is that Empathizer-type communicators have a high need for interpersonal trust and honesty, while Instigator-type communicators have a high need for interpersonal power and planning. Knowing who you’re talking to in the workplace by communicator type and temperament, makes all the difference in the “mood” in your workplace and the “effectiveness” of your management team.

If You’re Scoring At Home, Are You Scoring At Work?

Management consultants, executive coaches and human resource specialists are all hired to keep employee satisfaction high and poor communication low. One assumption in workplace psychology is that those of us who are in positive partnerships are better able to shrug off rejections and stressful assignments while keeping our attitudes positive, and all of that combines to improve overall work performance.

But is this line of reasoning true, and how many of us are coming to work with the “sunburn” of stressful family relationships? Well, I figured the first order of business was to find out how many of us are just passing or failing the relationship grade in our romantic relationships. In short, does the grade you give your romantic relationship spill over at work?

WHAT GRADE DO YOU ASSIGN YOUR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP AT WORK?

The questions that this New Insights Communication poll asked was: “What grade do you assign your romantic relationship?” Implied was “How stress-free is your partnership?” and does it support or undermine your concentration and effectiveness at work? Here are the results that tell a story.

The grade I assign my romantic relationship is:

“A” Excellent…6.45%

“B” Good…32.26%

“C” Average…22.58%

“D” Poor…25.81%

“F” Failing…12.90%

GROUP TENSIONS AND THE CORPORATE COMMUNICATION CULTURE FLOW AT WORK AND AT HOME

Well, there is some tension in our home partnerships. Well over half of the “guaranteed confidentiality” responders report that things are only “average or poor to failing” on the home front. Which means that today, about every other person you sit down to do business with is experiencing pretty significant stress at home, stress that may de-motivate them or negatively impact their focus and energy at work. And only a teeny tiny few of us team members are feeling “excellent” about conditions in our romantic relationships!

BLAME YOUR PARTNER FOR LOW MOTIVATION AND WORK PERFORMANCE OR IMPAIRED PERSONAL INITIATIVE?

Psychologists have long found that personal and personality maturity directly effects job performance, while a negative attitude and bad mood can affect quality of performance, task accomplishment and accuracy and miscommunication about decisions and planned directions. Should we blame our partner, or a stressful partnership or marriage, on our limiting work performance or mistakes made? No, I don’t think so.

Mature communicators will let you know when the stress ovens are burning too hot at home, without being a “poor me crybaby” about it so a co-worker can adjust their expectations for short periods.

WHY NOT FOCUS YOUR MIND AT WORK WHEN THINGS AREN’T GOING SO HOT AT HOME?

Lastly, work stress can flow back home along a “pipeline of stress” and cause for some heated disagreements, making “waves,” withdrawing into quietness or going to the inner-personal “cave,” as Dr. John Gray has written about. In any case, I would recommend that you focus more on work to feel good about something when you aren’t feeling so good about what is (or isn’t) happening in your romantic relationship.

Come to think of it, you deserve to be a giant success in all of your communication worlds that include work, family, extended family, friendships and romantic loving relationships. Why not score points at home…and at work?!  It can be a “delicious” cycle.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is available in the resource store at his Web site www.drogrady.com. Dr. O’Grady leads workshops, and provides business consulting, about two new communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators. One example of a talk difference between the two is that Empathizer-type communicators have a high need for interpersonal security, while Instigator-type communicators have a high need for interpersonal power. Knowing who you’re talking to in the workplace by communicator type and temperament, makes all the difference in the “mood” in your workplace and the “effectiveness” of your management team.

Previous New Insights Communication Polls have included “What’s Up With Your Confidence Level?“… “When You Argue, Are You Always Right?” … “Are You Shy or Stuck Up?”… “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?” Read more about the challenge of leadership, and other topics about executive coaching, business consulting, leadership training and communication skills here four minutes every day of the week to make change happen fast and last.