CommTool#10: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOES NOT FIT ME!”

Central to executive coaching and relationship counseling, is the ability to talk positively and sensibly to yourself when tensions mount in the team. If I had a copper penny for every nonsensical, nasty, inaccurate pricking barb that has been stuck into the doll of your self-esteem…I would be as rich and famous as one of my heroes, Benjamin Franklin (who shares his birthday with my oldest daughter).

INSENSITIVE COMMUNICATORS

Why hasn’t anyone told “insensitive communicators” that their put-downs and criticisms might better fit them than you? Psychological “projections” – all of those craftily disowned ideas about myself that I project onto you – become inserted into your mind as repetitive negative thoughts that you think about yourself IF you allow them. I’m here to tell you, “Don’t!” Don’t allow these guilt bombs to be dropped on ya’. Let’s practice what to say to yourself when a guilt hurler is dragging you down and making your frown.

POSITIVE TALK NEWS

Negative talkers or “NegaTalkers” are guilt trippers and responsibility avoiders who need to get a grip on their projections and take back ownership of their criticisms in order to create personal growth and change.

A powerfully positive comeback that you can use inside your head when guilt trippers are spreading it on thick is:

“If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOES NOT FIT ME.”

SHUGGING OFF THE GOOP OF GUILT

Now granted, sometimes you are in the “wrong,” but most times you’re right and you know it…especially you genteel Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators. So, well…I’ll just give you some practice on how to say “no” to slick guilt trips.

1. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU always have to be SO difficult?

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

2. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DON’T YOU change?

Positive SELF-TALK: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

3. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU sound off like the world’s worst communicator?

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

4. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU have to always be so negative?

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

5. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU blow so much money?

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

6. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why ARE YOU being so cold and sexually uptight?

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

7. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU have to be so selfish and self-centered?

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

8. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: You can’t expect me to be perfect!

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

9. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why CAN’T YOU talk to me?

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

10. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU only think of yourself?

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

11. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU always have to get the last word in?

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

12. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU blame me for everything under the sun?

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

13. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU have to always be in control?

Positive Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

14. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU guilt trip me and make me feel lower than whale dung on the bottom of the ocean?

Accurate Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

15. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU always spout off about what Dr. O’Grady has to say?

Accurate Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

PLUG THE ENERGY DRAIN

That ought to do IT for now. Ain’t IT amazin’ how many pokes, prods, slams, jams, stabs, zings, sticks and stones, arrows, slaps and put-downs, projections, rejections and slights, self-esteem zappers and other energy draining tunes are songs that give you a splitting headache? Yup, so I’ve told you how to accurately TALK SENSE to yourself when a “guilt hurler” is trying to drag you down and make you frown.

The rest of the communication story…is up to YOU!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional training in Dayton, Ohio, and surrounding areas. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” In this inspiring new communication program and leadership training workshop, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Chances are the person you struggle with the most, and whom you think of as a “difficult person,” is in reality your opposite communicator who is comfortable with what you are uncomfortable with. In the case above, Empathizers “freeze up” and are reluctant to give helpful negative feedback while Instigators feel free to “let it rip” and speak their minds. You can “test your type” and receive a free communicator type feedback report by clicking on the link “What’s Your Communicator Type.” If you believe you are a “good communicator” then ask the two questions above to a co-worker…and listen open-mindedly to the answers. You at least will be able to tell the level of trust your co-communicator is experiencing with you.

Can You Talk At Work?

Can you talk at work? Because I’ve been a communications consultant for so long, maybe I’m nuts about executive coaching and positive communications training in the workplace. BUT I think teamwork is solidified by talking openly about the good, the bad and the ugly without casting stones of blame at esteemed co-workers.

SO YA’ REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S THE TRUST LEVEL LIKE IN YOUR WORKPLACE?

As an alternative, what types of questions would I suggest you ask as a leader or manager to review satisfaction among the troops? My retort to leaders: Do you really want to know what your co-workers can’t talk openly to you about for fear of reprisal if they speak up honestly? So ya’ really want to know what’s the trust level like in your workplace—low, high or medium? Hey, why not…I’m with you!

WHY CAN’T WE TALK AT WORK?

The “directive questions” below (if you have the nerve to ask them) reveal what truly needs to change in order to do an even BETTER job of serving our customers’ needs and surviving and thriving as a department and company. Do you dare ask them of yourself, and your fellow workers, today?

1. Ask sincere feedback questions that work at work, such as: “So, how’s it been goin’?” Then listen open-mindedly to the answer.

2. Ask the often overlooked or unasked questions that work at work, such as: “So, what can I do to make your life go easier (better) today?” Then implement the answer in a little way today.

3. Ask “big picture”-focused questions that solicit feedback, such as: “Overall, if you use a grade card for my communication style…what grade would you give me? An A, B, C, D, F…or an “I” for incomplete? Be honest!”

4. Ask for energy questions that work at work to measure emotional satisfaction, such as: “Do I act as if I enjoy working with you and enjoy being around you? Or do you feel like a fixture around here, like a lamp or a table?”

5. Ask motivational questions that work at work, such as: “Do you feel I constantly critique you or make unfair negative comments about your work habits? Or do I make you feel about as unspecial as a hood ornament on a car?”

6. Ask bold questions that work at work, such as: “How free do you feel to initiate dialogue with me at any time about anything?”

7. Ask feedback-focused questions about ‘how full our glass is,’ such as: “Give me some feedback about my attitude. Do I send the message that I’m an optimist, or a pessimist or pretty neutral?”

8. Ask employee-evaluation feedback questions that work at work, such as: “How’s your attitude been lately? Do you see yourself as an optimist or a pessimist or a neutral person around here?”

9. Ask humble feedback questions that work at work, such as: “Are you able to speak openly to me and not hold anything back without fear of being put off or put down?”

10. Ask for change-focused feedback that work at work, such as: “What ONE thing could I do around here that would make your work life and effectiveness better?”

11. Ask for positive feedback about what you’re doing well that work at work, such as: “In what ways do I help you accomplish your goals by what I say or do?”

12. Ask directive questions that work at work, such as: “In what ways do I boost your confidence levels by what I say or do? How could I do better by you?”

13. Ask for groans that work at work, such as: “In what ways is your self-esteem balloon popped by what others are saying or doing?”

14. Ask for gripes that work at work, such as: “What one thing would YOU change around here if you had the power to change anything?”

15. Ask for improving your effectiveness that work at work, such as: “What ONE THING could I facilitate that would make everything go better around here?”

16. Ask for critiques in your listening skills that work at work, such as: “Do I listen to you without interrupting? Or do I turn a deaf ear to your complaints, or put you down when you have a complaint about me?”

17. Ask for critiques about your interpersonal sensitivity skills that work at work, by asking: “Do I need to be hit by a solid two-by-four between the eyes to wake up and smell the coffee and change? Or do I act dumb and fail to get the message that you’re trying to send to me?”

18. Ask for critical feedback that works at work, such as: “Do I let you know how important you are around here or do I make you feel that you are making a mountain out of a mole hill?”

DO YOU HAVE THE NERVE OR GUTS TO ASK FOR FEEDBACK AND HEAR THE TRUTH?

Of course you can hear the truth, and use it to solve problems and become better at what you do best. Of course, no one likes conflict or to hear negative news, and asking for feedback does result in a combination of both the good and the bad and the surprising. Got caring? Then at least ask:

1. “HEY, HOW’S IT GOIN’?” (Then listen to the under 500 word answer.)

2. “SO, WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE YOUR LIFE GO EASIER (BETTER) TODAY?” (And then try to do one of the suggestions in a little way.)

Hey, so how’s it goin’? Do you have the nerve to ask for, or give, positive and negative feedback? Of course you do. You and your team can quickly change a group dynamic of intimidation, complacency or mistrust by talking openly and non-defensively for a change!

OFF WE GO WITH THE BLAME GAME?

Do people in your work area feel too intimidated to talk openly and honestly and share their wisdom about how to make things run better for everyone? There’s only one way to tell: Ask one of the feedback questions per day for the next couple of weeks; then listen OPENLY to the answers as if they are the gosh-honest truth. (Be aware that it may take a week for esteemed workers to really believe that you are REALLY asking their opinion, since doing so is so rare in the workplace today)!

ASKING FOR NEGATIVE AND POSITIVE FEEDBACK IMPROVES Y/OUR PERFORMANCE

“What goes around comes around” if you don’t have the time or take time to ask for honest feedback to improve performance. If you don’t ask for honesty on a regular basis, and reward it, THEN the trust factor among team members is weak and too splintered. If you can’t talk about anything…how can you be effective at anything…and doesn’t that just leave “water cooler complaining or gossip” as the only de-stressing outlet?

IS YOUR TEAM PADDLING THE COMPANY CANOE IN THE SAME DIRECTION?

In another “seriously fun” article, I used canoeing as a simple and rich metaphor for effective teamwork vs. ineffective teamwork. In short, how can your team get to where you all need to go if the direction is unknown or feedback results unmeasured? Moreover, how can you all paddle successfully in the same direction, IF you can’t talk about which direction you ought to go in? Simple answer…you can’t because you will later or sooner get trapped in a whirlpool and hit the rocks and capsize and come up sputtering, wet and frustrated.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional training in Dayton, Ohio, and surrounding areas. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” In this inspiring new communication program and leadership training workshop, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Chances are the person you struggle with the most, and whom you think of as a “difficult person,” is in reality your opposite communicator who is comfortable with what you are uncomfortable with. In the case above, Empathizers “freeze up” and are reluctant to give helpful negative feedback while Instigators feel free to “let it rip” and speak their minds. You can “test your type” and receive a free communicator type feedback report by clicking on the link “What’s Your Communicator Type.” If you believe you are a “good communicator” then ask the two questions above to a co-worker…and listen open-mindedly to the answers. You at least will be able to tell the level of trust your co-communicator is experiencing with you.

Psychological Torture

How do you psychologically torture and “get to” someone you love or loathe at home or work? You can bet your trusty talking stick that you, too, can offend someone in nice ways without getting caught by using “psycho-torture” talk techniques. Torturing or upsetting someone is pretty easy to do if you intend it to be. Maybe that’s because the “hook” is that you can’t “fix people” who don’t want to be fixed.

DO YOU GET YOUR FEELINGS EASILY HURT?

If you are an Empathizer communicator (E-type), you can get your feelings SO “easily hurt”…due to something a “talk offender” or “difficult person” says or does that pricks your pride and pops your self-esteem balloon… if you allow IT to be so in an unthinking way. However, fearlessness in an interpersonal word requires you and me to see through the fact that many people are NOT simply “fishing for compliments”…they are “fishing for total control.” Now IF you’re reading this carefully, THEN probably you are an E-type who is pretty easy to manipulate. If so, anyone can make a “fish” out of you by casting you the talk bait, hooking you in the brain, and reeling you in using a line like a sucker.

THE ART OF PSYCHO-TORTURE IN EVERYDAY LIFE

Here’s how the interactive game (almost like dance steps) of communication-relational-psychological torture really works on you or me.

BAIT. The “psycho-torturer” casts the bait and provokes a listener. For example, “Why do you always have to be SO negative?”

HOOK. The defender takes the bait and “emotionally hooks” into the implied or stated criticisms. Then the “hook” is set by the psycho-torturer: “Why are you always SO sensitive and about everything…I was only joking?!”

DRAG. The defender/listener acts defensively AS IF the criticisms/accusations/psychocritiques are true…when in fact they’re largely false. The “psycho-torturer” spouts off: “Well, THEN WHY are you getting so agitated and upset if there’s no truth to anything I’m saying?”

FIGHT. The defender comes across too strong…talks too loudly or stomps off…while the offender feels amused. Psycho-torturer says: “I said I was sorry…so why can’t you just get over IT?”

FRUSTRATE. An empathetic person feels “bad” after the altercation…and loses self-confidence due to feeling angry…and feeling guilty for feeling anger.

That’s how you can get all irritated and bothered, all lathered up and frustrated or upset…emotionally distracted and distraught if you allow yourself to be fished around with. A psycho-torturer or talk offender then feels smugly in control and in charge because: “It wasn’t my fault…it was their fault, so they deserve to lose out!”

WHEN ON THE HOOK OF FRUSTRATION…LET GO OF FIXING PEOPLE

When you feel absolutely frustrated by your opposing communicator type…in this case you are an Empathizer-type communicator who is being out-talked by an Instigator-type communicator…try these mental tips to be genuine on for size my dear E-types:

1. “I’m SO sorry!” doesn’t fix a problem. An insincere apology is just that…insincere. Are you right, or what?

2. “I didn’t mean to!” doesn’t make people feel any better. An unintended action still causes enormous emotional harm. Are you right, or what?

3. “It wasn’t my fault!” is a victim plea hoping that a sucker is born every minute. Are you right, or what?

4. “It was an accident!” is the plea of irresponsibility and shrinking character. Are you right, or what?

5. “You made me feel SO bad!” is a guilt bomb that you can pull the fuse out of. Based on the premise that if your talk partner feels bad, you should feel guilty and change. Are you right, or what?

6. “Why can’t you just forget about it?” pushes you to forgive the unforgivable. Relationships involve two people, not one person…and hard feelings are sometimes hard to forget. Are you right, or what?

7. “I won’t do it again…I promise I won’t do it!” is pure fantasy and future conjecture that is more talk…talk…talk to make you think what I want you to. Are you right, or what?

8. “You did it to me, too!” doesn’t excuse get-even scorekeeping. Doesn’t the word “communication” mean two adults are involved, not just two squabbling children? Are you right, or what?

Yeah, even though you’re “right” much of the time, an Empathizer-defender may still get into trouble with onlookers (parents, work colleagues, friends) who view their response as being “too large or extreme” given the situation. Guess who set up making you look bad?

DON’T WORRY…BE HAPPY…FIX YOURSELF INSTEAD OF FIXING OTHER PEOPLE?

Take a look around you, my astute and tender-hearted, E-types. A negative I-type will snap, huff and puff, and puff up in anger when you hit a sore spot that you ought to remember the next time you’re “gone fishin’.” But take an even closer look. Quite soon after a heated debate or angry interaction with you, you will be long forgotten as the I-type moves on to the next fishing hole.

Shouldn’t you do the same? Maybe you can’t “fix people” who don’t want to be fixed…and who don’t believe anything needs to be fixed in the first place about how they carry on in “psychodrama” in their work and personal relationships. Just maybe, who knows, the only person we can fix is ourselves?! How are you fixed for happiness, lately? And are you the fish or the fisherman or fisherwoman? Listen to the “moves” your antagonist makes to get you to take the “hook” and put you on the line of feeling bad.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional training in Dayton, Ohio, and surrounding areas. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” In this inspiring new communication program and leadership communication workshop, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Chances are the person you struggle with the most, and whom you think of as a “difficult person,” is in fact your opposite communicator who is comfortable with what you are uncomfortable with. In the case above, Empathizers feel uptight being “mean” while Instigators feel uptight when being “too nice.” You can “test your type” and receive a free communicator type feedback report by clicking on the link “What’s Your Communicator Type.” If you believe you are being “psychologically tortured” then it’s time to be the fisherman or fisherwoman of people…instead of the fish.

New Insights Communication Poll: What’s Up With Your Confidence Level?

In popular psychology, high confidence levels or high self-esteem are linked to all sorts of desirable outcomes, such as: Ability to shrug off stress, willingness to take healthy risks in business, positive personal habits such as time management, an easy comfort in new social situations and the ability to be outgoing, good family communication, an optimistic vs. pessimistic mental attitude, great leadership communication, openness to change, student ability to learn tough new material, maturity to handle helpful negative feedback, sports performance when the squeeze is on, ability to close sales or make “cold calls” easily, effective parenting and problem-solving, relationship satisfaction, a habit of worshiping at the church of your choice, etc. Even the very pick of your romantic partner is determined in large part by your confidence level.

Zounds. Seems almost like everything you and I do is somehow linked to our levels of inner confidence. Confidence is one priceless feeling that you can’t buy, the pillar or foundation necessary for taking many new positive actions in spite of fear, isn’t it?

DO YOU FEEL CONFIDENT OR SIMPLY LOOK CONFIDENT…OR DO YOU HAVE EXCESSIVE SELF-ESTEEM?

But how many among us are truly feeling confident…versus putting on a confident face and looking, acting and sounding confident, when in our inner private reality we may be feeling quite down and low or low in self-esteem and shying off from acting proactively on the stage of life? I thought to ask my readers at www.drogrady.com just that question in a weekly poll. Check out the results for yourself:

WHEN IT COMES TO FEELING CONFIDENT…I WOULD DESCRIBE MYSELF AS HAVING:

1. LOW SELF-ESTEEM (LSE): 53.85%

2. HIGH SELF-ESTEEM (HSE): 46.15%

3. EXCESSIVE SELF-ESTEEM (ESE): Zero…O%

COMMUNICATION PSYCHOLOGY DISCUSSION:

Well, if we have a pretty normal group of folks answering the poll (which I think we do)…then about every other person you come across isn’t feeling too terrible confident today, either. Your friend or colleague may look, sound and act confident, but inside in the private interior of everyone’s emotional worlds…would be feeling “less than” or “not good enough”…talking a little bit down on the self, doubtful, pessimistic, less than confident. Wonder what would happen if we all had to wear a badge that announced how we were feeling: Low, high or super-high in self-esteem? Would we act and talk differently toward that person and feel that communication or miscommunication was due to the confidence level instead of the business or personal matters at hand?

WHAT ARE SOME TIPS TO BOOST YOUR SELF-ESTEEM WHEN YOU FEEL BUSTED?

Your self-esteem can be massaged and managed and raised when it’s too low. Here are some mental factors to help you feel up when you feel down from “Managing High Self-Esteem” in my classic book “Taking the Fear out of Changing”:

  1. DON’T WAIT UNTIL YOU LOSE OUT BIG TO CHANGE.
  2. MAKE SURE YOU LISTEN TO AND USE NEGATIVE FEEDBACK TO GROW AND CHANGE.
  3. LEARN TO FACE AND EMBRACE YOUR OWN WEAKNESSES.
  4. STOP LIVING IN A BUBBLE.
  5. DON’T PUSH AWAY PEOPLE TO PROVE A POINT.
  6. FACE YOUR FEARS OF DISCONNECTING YOUR INTIMACY AND SUCCESS DRIVES.
  7. LET YOUR SENSITIVITY AND CARING SHOW THROUGH AND DON’T BE A SAP.
  8. FANTASIZE ABOUT WHAT YOU ‘WILL DO’ AND DO IT.
  9. JOIN A DISCUSSION GROUP OR GET A PERSONAL GROWTH COACH.
  10. ENJOY AN OPTIMISTIC MENTAL ATTITUDE.

DEAL WITH NEGATIVISM…PUT OFF PESSIMISM

You CAN alter negative beliefs that reinforce low self-esteem and keep you from taking healthy risks to improve your mood and willingness to take healthy risks.

EXCESSIVE SELF-ESTEEM IS TOO-HIGH SELF-ESTEEM (ESE)?

“The Never Wrong Personality”…is that high-flying person who is VERY certain he/she is right and you and all “lesser” people ought to do exactly as “they say,” and when they say you should do it. I’ll not soon forget one ESE communications client who said: “I feel like an eagle in a world of sparrows…I don’t suffer the stupidity of common people lightly.” Needless to say, he was having tremendous difficulties in his personal relationships, and as a business entrepreneur was only tolerated because he had some money to toss around.

On the good news front, almost half of the people you come across today are feeling pretty good about themselves…which will be linked to positive parenting, positive marital communications, and positive business habits that give a helping hand to making projects go forward instead of stall out.

A CLOSELY HELD SECRET ABOUT SELF-ESTEEM

Dr. Nathaniel Branden, a Los Angeles psychotherapist, is one of my all-time favorite popular psychology authors in the arena of self-esteem…how your levels of confidence can work for or against you…and what you can do to improve your confidence to achieve far better relationship and communication results. There are many others, and all you have to do, is bathe your brain in effective ways to talk some sense to yourself and approve of who you are and what you need to do to feel O.K.

A final secret of high (average) self-esteem is this one: Confidence is a key factor that keeps you moving ahead on a positive path when others around you are being discouraging or distracting you from the taking the “higher road” or “road less traveled” that you need to travel on today to make change happen fast and last.

True confidence is walking softly in this world but carrying a big stick of successful outcomes that are good for everyone.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is available in the resource store at his Web site www.drogrady.com. Dr. O’Grady discovered two new communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators. One example of a talk difference between the two is that Empathizer-type communicators have a high need for interpersonal emotional contact, while Instigator-type communicators have a high need for interpersonal intellectual respect.

Previous New Insights Communication Polls have included “When You Argue, Are You Always Right?” … “Are You Shy or Stuck Up?”… “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?” Read more about these challenging, growth producing topics, and other topics of personal and relationship interest here four minutes every day of the week to make change happen fast and last.

A Beginner’s Guide To Good Couple Talk

I love that 1983 oldies song “When A Man Loves A Woman” because it exhorts us to keep our minds focused on passion-filled, rewarding couple talk. And why not? Couples of any type are wise to set good talk habits into motion in a new relationship. Asking open-ended questions, listening to the honest answers, and asking a further elaborating question are all good habits. So is talking any time the mood strikes or the couple mood is struck down.

40 QUESTIONS TO GUIDE GOOD COUPLE TALK

So what are good questions to ask when two people are in love…and want to remain that way? Here are fine examples of open-ended talk questions based on the talk system you will find in my book, TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone. Consider this “A Beginner’s Guide To Good Couple Talk.”

1. Do you feel totally free to tell me what you think and feel? Why, or why not?

2. Why do you chose NOT to talk to me, sometimes. Are you afraid to say what you truly think and feel?

3. What ideas or opinions do you feel are inappropriate to share with me, in your mind.

4. Are you afraid of hurting my feelings? How do I react when you hurt my feelings? Do I act like I really don’t want to hear any negative feedback?

5. If telling me the truth leads to some negative consequences, are you still commited to telling me the truth? Would the truth honestly be worth sharing then?

6. What emotions are you most afraid to share with me? Are there any emotions that are off-limits to discussion?

7. What price are you willing to pay for us to get along? Must we always get along and “go along to get along?”

8. What’s the biggest “risk” to you of talking openly, honestly and transparently? What’s the downside? Do you purposefully measure out what to say so I won’t get upset?

9. Do you think I’m a good listener? Why, or why not? Is it best not to say anything, if you don’t have anything nice to say?

10. How do I subtly try to shut you down when you try to talk to me? What topics make me anxious and reactive? How could I respond more authentically to you?

11. Do I have a positive talk attitude, namely, does it seem like anytime is a good time to talk to me? Or do I put you off until later…and later never comes?

12. If I become upset easily when you talk to me, do you back off and stop talking? What topics are forbidden?

13. Do you feel free to speak in an uncensored fashion? To say embarrasing things or tell me thoughts or experiences that you feel ashamed of?

14. Am I too sarcastic? Do I say things like, “Whatever you say, dear!” Or, “Why am I always in the wrong and you’re always right?!” Are these confidence slams or guilt bombs that stop an open dialogue and turn it into a monologue?

15. Do I tell you how to feel? Do I tell you that your feelings are bad, wrong, not the right size? How do I blow you off instead of bringing us together?

16. What worries are you withholding from me now?

17. What one thing stands in our way of having good, open talks…discussions that are totally honest, emotionally genuine, where vulnerabilities are aired and shared…”making talk” and “psychologically naked talking?”

18. What would you say to me IF you could say anything without reprisal or cutting criticism?

19. How do you feel picked on by me…and for what? What meta-message does it send to you to do or not do certain things?

20. What are you hiding from me due to fear of my disapproval?

21. Do you ever feel attacked by me, and how?

22. What idea do you think I hold of you in my mind about how good or bad a communicator you are? Are you careful of what you say because I am unpredictable and you don’t know what I’ll do?

23. Can we talk for the sake of talking instead of shut down and shut up when hurt feelings are running strong? Can we keep on being nurturing toward one another when we have a misunderstanding?

24. Do you ever feel like my mood is a smoking cannon that is ready to blow at any time? Do I handle my anger assertively?

25. Do you ever try to please me at the expense of our relationship? Do you tell me what I might want to hear because you are afraid of conflict?

26. What do you fear most about our getting into a heated conflict? Do we use fair fight rules? Do you feel you fight fair?

27. What do I make you feel guilty for, or about? What words do I use that guilt you? Do you feel free to challenge these guilt trips?

28. When would you not feel free to tell me what you think and feel? Is there a certain topic that you avoid talking about? Work? Extended family? Money? Sex? Worship? The kids, etc.?

29. Which do you fear most, my rejection and disapproval or my retribution and removal or withdrawing from you?

30. What would need to happen for us to talk better?

31. Do I put you down, dismiss or discount you by saying, “Why on earth would you say something like that?! You don’t really mean that!” Are there other talk put offs that I frequently use with you?

32. How can I invite deeper conversations with you? By saying what? Such as, “Would you tell me more about why you say that?”

33. Do I act like you have to agree with me? Can we disagree in a mature manner without anyone going off in an angry huff?

34. How can I encourage vs. discourage keeping our lines of communication open? Do we have open lines of communication?

35. Do I blame you for things beyond your control?

36. Am I supportive of achieving your personal dreams? Of friendships? Of personal growth and change?

37. Do I act like there’s something flawed about what you feel or think? Do I sound like a critical parent who says, “You shouldn’t feel or think that way. That’s not being very nice, now is it?”

38. What one thing could I change that would improve our communication skills?

39. What one thing could you change to improve our communication strategies?

40. What do we stand for as a couple? What is m/y/our idea of what makes a relationship succeed…and what makes a relationship fail?

A GUIDE TO GOOD TALK

On The Big Chill movie soundtrack, you will hear “When a man loves a woman…can’t keep his mind on nothin’ else.” So, set good habits in motion early in a relationship. Use the above questions as a “guide to good talk.” Take your time, build trust and openness as you go. Be aware when you are holding back your truth or disagreement from your partner.

Sure, answering these type of “deep questions” strikes terror into the bravest of hearts. But is it scarier than going through an unwanted divorce or breakup?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady offers his “Guide to Good Talk” as a way of helping couples of every mindset to talk more openly and honestly. Talking openly is an insurance policy that every couple can’t afford to be without. Dr. O’Grady’s book TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” will show you how to talk like a pro in minutes to your partner…who will want to talk right back with you…NOW. Dr. O’Grady leads “live workshops” and gives keynote talks on customized topics for your organization or group to improve managerial and leadership communication, too. Over 100 positive communications articles by Dr. O’Grady are available at www.drogrady.com.