Fixing Unfair Fights

Manipulative unfair fights are a form of bad communication that wrecks good relationships. They’re like a tug-of-war of unkind words that makes partners mad and stand-offish. Couples who fail find themselves unmindfully and repeatedly using what doesn’t work, and they simultaneously don’t fix the small actions that net large rewards of goodwill and trust.

WHY USE POSITIVE ANGER TALK TOOLS?

Effective communication strategies fix what is broken…thereby loving couples do what works to feel the love again. Unfair fights are patterns of stale power plays that manipulatively paint the opposing partner as the “BAD and WRONG ONE,” thereby assigning and granting him/her the exclusive power to fix/change the perceived problem. Anger is a choice. You can use the positive anger talk tools below to spur changes that pay huge dividends.

SIGNPOSTS ON THE STREET CALLED “UNFAIR FIGHTS”

Here are SIGNPOSTS that you are speeding down the STREET OF “UNFAIR FIGHTS” and going in the wrong direction (where everyone will lose out on love).

1. HIGH FEAR. When fear is high, your love will take a hike as you use increasingly controlling words and actions in an escalating manner to get a grip on fear. THE FIX: Don’t talk tough and act mad when you are feeling scared.

2. CHANGE PRESSURE. Unfair fights are akin to having a nail in your tire, causing your communication car to swerve unpredictably on the road. THE FIX: Change is possible together if and when you choose to use positive talk tools.

3. INEFFECTIVENESS. When you keep doing what doesn’t work, your mood will swirl like dirty water down a sink drain. THE FIX: Remind yourself that “Although IT takes two to tango…sometimes IT only takes one person to get the couple untangled.”

4. CONFIDENCE SLAMS. Unfair fights zap your confidence, and they make you doubt yourself and your floundering communication skills. THE FIX: Refuse to use “guerilla talk tactics” and revenge paybacks such as “the silent treatment.” Both approaches tatter the confidence you clothe yourself in.

5. STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE. Power plays are manipulative “jive talking” patterns, compulsive bad habits that grow like weeds in the garden of your love. THE FIX: Stand back and then stop whatever you’re doing and saying that doesn’t work. Cease the lazy rationalizing that you or your partner are old dogs TOO set in your ways to make change happen today.

6. MOOD ERUPTIONS. Unfair fights pop the proverbial lid off the pot on the stove. And you know what happens next: water boils over and makes a mess of massive proportions. THE FIX: Take a half-day holiday from the dispute, and work elbow-to-elbow on a task together that shows teamwork.

7. REPEATING PAST PAINFUL RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS. Unfair fights cause an energy drain that fosters a distressing, dry and depressing relationship. THE FIX: Ask yourself, “Why am I giving myself and my partner such a tough and rough way to go…is this masochistic, or what?”

8. SCREAMIN’, CUSSIN’ AND CARRYIN’ ON. A hallmark of unfair fights is “dirty fighting,” where guilt bombs and “the kitchen sink is thrown in,” namely mean and nasty accusations and psychoanalytical critiques are hurled at your partner to get even and hurt him/her. THE FIX: Know that fussin’ and fumin’ don’t fix anything. Instead, they actually make the problem bigger and less solvable because poor communication becomes the problem.

9. THREATS OF ABANDONMENT. Sometimes, you’ll have the feeling that you or your partner have “one foot out the door,” and sometimes you’ll face the actual threat that “I can’t take it anymore and we should end this.” THE FIX: Speak positively, “I think we’re in a communication rut and need help from a communications coach who will referee this fight and teach us better communication moves.”

10. WEDGES AND LEDGES. Bad talk habits predictably drive a wedge between you and your partner and are akin to standing on a high ledge when high winds are blowing…you might get swept off and die in the Ungrand Canyon below. THE FIX: Answer to yourself, “Why am I doing and saying what further drives us apart? Am I afraid of being happy?”

11. NEGATIVE…NEGATIVE…NEGATIVE. Poor communication relays the negative message, “You can’t do anything right, fish guts for brains, because you’re SO negative!” THE FIX: Do something unexpectedly and purposfully positive. Do what you would like done unto you, give the word or action gift that your partner would like, without any expectation of receiving a positive response back. Almost impossible, but useful, when you’ve got nothing left to lose.

12. FEAR OF CONFLICT. Ironically and paradoxically, the fear of conflict is the leading creator of unhealthy conflict. THE FIX: Be wary of ass/u/me(ing) that your partner wants to win a fight at all costs and pay the price of losing out on love for all time.

BLAME THE PATTERN, NOT THE PERSON

When you are fearing abandonment and feeling super-scared, you are prone to keep doing more and more and MORE of what doesn’t work…until you don’t work with your partner and feel the relationship isn’t working or is “too much work” to continue. My advice: You can fix unfair fight patterns by “blaming the pattern, not the person.” To paraphrase a political campaign: “It’s the emotional economy and the unfair fight pattern, stupid!”

Unfair fights can be broken up and reordered at any step. All good couples quickly fall into bad communication patterns. Smart couples “change the channel” of shrill apartness when what they’re seeing, doing and hearing isn’t working. Always remind yourself, “It’s the pattern, stupid!”

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” Dennis is a workshop leader who has identified two types of communicator styles at work and home. Empathizer-type communicators tend to “stew” while Instigator communicators tend to “vent.” Both types need to use fair fight tools to navigate around talk accidents, and clean up their side of the two-way talk street to fix unfair fights…including stop giving one another “the silent treatment.”

Do You Walk The Talk Of A Positive Person?

Would you describe yourself as developing or having a positive attitude…a negative attitude…or a neutral attitude? You and I can’t afford the high cost of negative thinking or negative talking, the kind of negativity that taxes and zaps your energy, focus and achievement drive. “Contrarians” listen to negative-news talk stations…”merryians” tune in the positive-attitude talk stations even though doing so takes more work. Are you a negative talker or person who says “no” to life? A positive gal or guy who just says “yes” to life?

PASS UP THE EXPENSIVE LUXURY OF A NEGATIVE THOUGHT

In life you get to choose: “Do I prefer to take the easy road of a negative attitude or the high road of a positive one?” One is not better than the other; just different with different results. Typically, a person using positive psychology principles feels both more happy and sad, more optimistic and pessimistic, more hopeful and hopeless, more depressed and upbeat. In fact, with a positive attitude, more of EVERYTHING is felt and experienced afresh in life.

WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU LEMONADES–BE GLAD YOU DON’T SUCK

Quite literally, a positive person sees everything more vividly and in bright colors instead of in grays or stark black-and-white hues.

Why not dare to care? These are Dr. Dennis O’Grady’s “10 Ways to Walk the Talk of a Positive Person:”

  1. Dare to care
  2. Refuse to swim in a pool of pity
  3. Sing positive songs in your mind
  4. Walk away from gossipers
  5. Play “the angel’s advocate”
  6. Look through the fog of mistakes to the miracles
  7. Talk positively about personal travails
  8. Pass up the expensive luxury of a negative thought
  9. When life hands you lemonades–be glad you don’t suck
  10. Don’t hide under the couch when fear comes knockin’

PLAY THE ANGEL’S ADVOCATE

Well, I wrote in a previous article that singer-songwriter Willie Nelson is “a merryian or merry man”…“an optimist”…“a positive person”…”a cowboy with a positive attitude.” Although I may not personally know you, I suspect you’re not always a cheery camper, either. In fact, you may feel frustrated that you can “see the solutions to problems a mile off” but not be able to make them stick. Now, you don’t have to do something 100% perfect to do something well, do you?

LOOK THROUGH THE FOG OF MISTAKES TO THE MIRACLES

Optimist groups meet around the country to try and instill positive attitudes in people who can’t afford the expense of a negative thought. According to The Optimists Creed, that means you and I would try positively:

“To be so strong nothing can disturb your peace of mind.”

“To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.”

“To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.”

“To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.”

“To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.”

“To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.”

REFUSE TO SWIM IN A POOL OF PITY

Are you an optimist or a pessimist? Do you work to have a positive attitude or a negative attitude? Are you a merryian or a contrarian? Do you “dare to care” or are you too scared to “dare to care?!” You get to choose what to do at this change crossroads: Do you prefer to take the easy road of a negative attitude or the high road of a positive one?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the founder of New Insights Communication, an executive coaching and “Leadership Talks” communications firm in Dayton, Ohio. He holds a B.A. degree from Michigan State University, an M.A. degree in Behavioral Counseling from Michigan State University, and the Doctorate of Psychology degree from Wright State University. His communication handbook, TALK TO ME, answers the question “Why can’t we all just get along?” Dennis believes that four minutes a day is all that’s required to keep your attitude positive even when life sucks pears. Can you spare the time, brother? You can NOT afford the expensive luxury of negative thinking that drains your life energy.

New Insights Communication Poll: When You Argue, Are You Always Right?

Most of us are afraid of heated arguments, conflicts and nose-to-nose arguing…but do you feel in-the-right when you argue…or are you just reacting out of fear with a knee-jerk or a “me-jerk” reaction? Do you fight SO hard to make a point because you are in the right or because you are afraid of being found in the wrong? Or are you just caught up in the emotional moment when you’ll say anything (or avoid talking) to save face?

DO TELL

I thought I would ask our learned readers at www.drogrady.com: “When you argue, how often you feel that you are in the right, probably wrong, both or neither?” Here are the poll results:

WHEN ARGUING I AM…

1. Always right….Zero…0%
2. Always wrong…3.57%
3. Right but taken wrong…10.71%
4. Sometimes right…Sometimes wrong…85.71%

COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGY DISCUSSION:

In my groundbreaking communications theory, Empathizer communicators are sensitive types who are “negotiators” and “compromisers” at heart. Oppositely, Instigator communicators are insensitive types who are “debaters” and “decision makers” at logic. Neither type is right or wrong, just different. For example, if you are an Empathizer-type (E-type) talker, have you ever found yourself backing off from making a good point because you feel intimidated? In reverse, if you are an Instigator-type (I-type) talker have you ever found yourself pushing on while making a bad point because you feel weak if you don’t?

Do you even know which type you are—Empathizer or Instigator communicator—and why it matters so much in the world of productive talking and effective problem-solving? As a communications psychologist, I’ve noticed many well-meaning and intelligent people like you and me can get stuck deep awfully quick in the muck and mud of unproductive arguing, where points are made while the game of productive problem-solving is lost.

NEXT TIME YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A HEATED DEBATE

Here’s a challenge for you the next time your frustration is building because you’re spinning your tires while arguing and finding that nobody is listening, everybody is cutting in and interrupting, and intelligent brainstorming has turned into a tornado that is threatening to level the building of your relationship.

  • Ask this: “Do you think you’re in the right on this one?”
  • Or, “You sound like you are really sure of yourself. Do you feel you are right or accurate in what you’re saying and suggesting…or do you have some doubts?”
  • Or offer this: “I’m not sure if I’m in the right or wrong either. I just wondered if you could repeat what I just said. Do you mind?”

Have a little fun along the way when you are in a difference of opinion that isn’t yielding anything worthwhile and making a friend into a foe.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the developer of the new communication system found in his book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone,” which is available in the resource store at the Web site www.drogrady.com. Previous New Insights Communication Polls have included “Are You Shy or Stuck Up?”… “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?” Read more about these challenging, growth producing topics, and other topics of personal and relationship interest here four minutes every day of the week to make change happen fast.

A Dozen Ways To De-Stress Yourself On The Fly At Work

How and why do we stress ourselves out anyway? Well, why not? You and I have to start somewhere, right? (Unless you’re the kind of person who gets your engine all revved up at night to prepare for and control the unexpected stresses that will hit you in the morning when you see all those smiling faces at work beaming at you!) Here’s how to stay on top of stress, keep your change muscles flexed and your change sleeves rolled up this week.

ARE YOU A LAZY THINKER? WHY NOT DE-STRESS YOURSELF ON THE FLY WHILE YOU WORK, INSTEAD?

Below are a dozen LAZY ways to be a Negatalker (and my challenges) that you can use to negatively think yourself into a stressed-out, depressed blue state of mind, even on a day when you’ve been given the opportunity to excel:

1. “I’m the guy or gal responsible for it all!” True, you’ve got the power to make things happen at work. Isn’t that a good thing? As long as you don’t get a long face, you can accomplish what the closed mind says you can’t pole vault with a ten-foot pole.

2. “I don’t want to lose what I’ve got!” True, you have to support yourself and your family, but you don’t have to allow fear to run the show at work. As look as you don’t permit fear to sour into frustration, you can go easy down the road of change at work and feel grounded and centered in this very second.

3. “There’s no time to get everything done!” True, you can’t get all your work projects done today. But why would you cramp yourself into a too-tight time box with a ticking time-bomb clock that says: “You won’t…you can’t…there’s not…there’s no way…it’s not possible…it’s not fair…you won’t be able to pull this off…what are people going to think…you will fail and embarrass yourself…no one cares anyway…why even bother…yak…yak…yak!” Well, you get the idea. Strive for peace of mind instead of allowing your mind to become splintered and split into pieces or fragments of “can’tism.”

4. “I’m SO tired I can’t think straight!” True, perhaps you haven’t been sleeping very well because you’ve been filling your mind with worries you can’t do anything about at bedtime. So, as you crawl into the sack let your mind relax…feel how cozy and warm being in a “safe” bed can be…and thank your lucky stars that you have a second life to do what you’ve always wanted to do in the “anything goes” dream world.

5. “I should’ve gotten along better with my partner (or kids) last night!” True, relationship life can be VERY stressful at home and dim the couple lantern of love, because there is a far better chance that our expectations will crash and our hopes for the good life will be trashed. Hey, sorry, but that’s par for the social course. BUT why would you “push” homefront stresses with your partner or the kids into your work week…as if a pipeline of stress flows between your home and the office and back home again? Simple, you wouldn’t.

6. “My mind is crammed and jammed and races away with itself!” True, due to the horsepower under the hood…your mind can race away with itself (and a jumpy you along with it!) Don’t forget that you have a pair of brakes, and can decelerate and pull into a “pit stop” for five minutes during your day any time you need to. Read something positive, make a fast fun call, meditate or pray, write compassionate thoughts about yourself in an e-mail and send it to you for careful reading. A crammed mind is always open for review!

7. “If I keep thinking negative thoughts…bad things are going to happen to me!” True, thinking uncensored negative thoughts IS useful in short spurts to get a grip on reality and stop living in a perfectionistic or idealistic dream world and responsibly solve problems. BUT your gloomy thoughts DO NOT cause bad things to happen! They’re just negative thoughts trying to scare the pants or skirt off of you…making you feel naked and vulnerable. Don’t go there…there’s nothing useful to learn from fear that seeks to put a stranglehold on your confidence and crash your mood.

8. “I hate not having control!” True, much of your success at work is interpersonally interdependent – you need the help and the cooperation of others to make work projects take flight. However, the harder you try to control what you don’t have control over, the ‘behinder’ you will get in your mood and tasks that you DO have control over. That’s the paradox: fear will command you focus on what you don’t have control over and fret too much about this or that – thus disrupting you and distracting your attention away from focusing on what you DO have the power to impact and change in positive ways.

9. “Why do I allow negative energy in my team to drain me and bring me down?!” True, fear and frustration are like cigar smoke that sticks to your clothing and person, whether you “allow” it to or not. BUT you can go outside for some fresh air, shower yourself with loving and caring thoughts, take a few deep breaths of fresh air, remind yourself what the most important tasks are to do today…and do what’s important instead of getting caught up in everyone else’s emergencies.

10. “Why am I SO stuck in the negative?!” True, all of us do the negative far easier than the positive because of old habits and lazy emotional thinking. Let negative feelings roll off your back like water off the feathers of a duck’s back. Sure, you and I look like a calm duck on the surface, and we’re paddling like heck underneath the surface to get from here to there. You’ve got nothing to worry about because you’re not alone!

11. “I’m falling behind and failing!” True, if you are doing something worthwhile, then you have and will experience heart-rending failures that will make you lose face in your own mind. However, you can input heart-mending words of wisdom or WOWs that keep you dealing with failures from a viewpoint of, “If I’m not failing once in awhile…than I’m not doing anything worthwhile or important to my work and family world.”

12. “I want to run away or fade into the woodwork!” True, almost everyone hides behind a “business wall” at times to soothe feelings and repair damaged self-esteem. But don’t stay in your cubicle cave, for gosh sakes…you aren’t a Neanderthal. Go out and smile, and ask: “SO, how’s it goin’ today?” Fear not…it’s not going well for most of us on Moan-Day!

ARE YOU A “PSYCHO”-THERAPIST?

O.K., one of my humorous communications clients asked me if I am a “psycho”-therapist. Well, I suppose I am. I lose my mind many times a day to scary places and thoughts that are pure bullcrap. And I have been known to keep chomping into that manure sandwich long before lunch time on Moan-Day…I mean Monday morning. Yet, I remind myself that fear is a figment of my very active imagination, and that every single day, people like you and me are caring people who are trying to get through the work week in one piece and support ourselves and our families. SO talk positively to yourself for a change of mental scenery!

WHEN THE ROAD GETS TOUGH…MAKE A BRIEF PIT STOP TO REFUEL

To that end, I wish you a week of self-compassion when the road gets rough…and that caring people like you keep traveling on the highway of life after making a few brief pit stops along the way to refuel your energy…hope…and peaceful mindedness. Will today be a new day or an old habit called “Moan-Day…Moan-Day…I can’t trust me on that day!” a playoff on the 1966 Mama’s and Papa’s hit tune?

Hey, if lovin’ and likin’ you and me is wrong—then I don’t want to be right!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, USA. He is a workshop leader and keynote speaker on the topics of Effective Communication Strategies, Leadership Communication, Change Management workshops and Conflict and Anger Management seminars at www.drogrady.com. He personally uses these new communication tools to avoid singing resenting worry songs when the road gets rough, and to take a few brief pit stops along the highway of life to refuel his energy…hope…and peaceful mindedness! Why not juice up your attitude today with a little self-assertive talk that won’t fall on deaf ears?

Monday Morning Isn’t Supposed To Be Moan-Day

In 1966, the Mamas and Papas sang a hit tune about “Monday, Monday…So good to me…Monday morning…It was all I hoped it to be.” Is this the annoying song of the day, or what? O.K….if you’re reading this on Monday…or Moan-day…there’s going to be a whole new batch of stress-related challenges for you to handle and grow from this week. Breathe deeply, feel what you do, and respond as positively and powerfully as you can to the crazy messages floating around this tilted, upside-down world. In fact, singing the “sanemaking” lyrics in this article are guaranteed to make you grin and buck up! Hey, stress overload is simply a bunch of strong emotions bidding for your attention…SO don’t you lose hope…and don’t change from who you really are–one brave soul, among quietly courageous people who dare to care!

MOAN-DAY, MONDAY…CAN’T TRUST (ME/YOU ON) THAT DAY?

Will today be a new day or an old habit called “Moan-Day…Monday…Can’t trust ME on that day!” which is putting my positive spin on the 1966 Mama’s and Papa’s #1 hit tune called “Monday, Monday.” Hey, don’t shoot the messenger. After all, what’s YOUR annoying song of the day that you sing and say to yourself? Following are the “Monday, Monday” lyrics, with a little “talking positively” alteration care of Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone:

Moan-day, Moan-day
So bad to me
Moan-day morning
It was all I said it would be..e!
Oh, Moan-day morning
Monday morning I could guarantee
That Moan-day evening you would still
Be here moaning with me

Moan-day, Moan-day
Can’t trust that day…
Moan-day, Moan-day
All the time it just turns out the way that I say..y!
Oh, Moan-day morning you gave me no warning
Of what was to be
Oh, Moan-day, Moan-day
How could you leave and not take me

Every other day
Every other day
Every other day of the week is slimed (not fine)
Yeah
But whenever Moan-day comes
But whenever Moan-day comes
You can find me cryin’ and whinin’ all of the time

Moan-day, Moan-day
Made so bad by me
Moan-day, Moan-day
It was all I loathed it into being
But, Moan-day morning
Monday morning I could guarantee
That Moan-day evening you would still
Be upset with me

Moan-day, Moan-day
Can’t trust me with that day
Moan-day, Monday
It just runs out the way I SAY..y!
Oh, Moan-day, Moan-day
Will go away whenever I SAY
Monday, or Moan-day
It’s always going to be the way I say!

MOAN-DAY…MOAN-DAY

In and of itself, complaining isn’t a bad thing. Complaining seeks to reassure each and every person that, “It’s not as bad as I think, because day-time terrors do get better if I don’t chose to get bitter!” So Happy Monday to you! Don’t you wish every day of the week could be Monday…another awe-full day to act on mega-opportunities to make your “To Do” list become a “(DO)NE” list? You can bet your Sticky Notes on it!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, USA. He is a workshop leader and keynote speaker on the topics of Effective Communication Strategies, Leadership Communication, Change Management workshops and Conflict and Anger Management seminars at www.drogrady.com. He personally uses these new communication tools to avoid singing worry songs, and to keep a positive attitude every single day of the week!