Talk Like A Man: What Grade Are You Getting In Your Relationship?

Hey guys, what grade are you getting on your relationship score card? Are you just passing with “C’s,” getting all “A’s” or flunking the communication grade? And if you don’t know how well you are or aren’t performing…then who does? You and I both are hip to the trip that your No. 1 customer is your talk partner…who just may be a GREAT deal more dissatisfied than you realize. More than half of the guys I know run on the “insensitive side” of the street. Do you know where you stand on the talk grading curve with your teacher-partner?

I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT

“BUT I didn’t know my partner was SO-O bothered!” is a main symptom of ignoring a partner’s feelings. We guys can’t help running on the “insensitive side” of the street without going to a “sensitivity training” seminar. Or can we?

I recommend you ask the following “BIG” question: “Overall, what grade what you give me in our relationship this quarter? I’m serious…don’t laugh. What grade would I get, and why?! Just be totally honest, and don’t worry about hurting my feelings!”

Are you passing with flying colors or are you falling behind without realizing it?

YOUR RELATIONSHIP ATTITUDES AND GRADES

O.K. you’re doing great by asking equally for negative and positive feedback. More questions, HURRAY! Take turns with your partner and honestly answer the following questions. The person who is “less sensitive” should go first, to find out NOW where both of you stand on THE TALK GRADING CURVE.

1. Overall, if you use a grade card for me…what grade would you give me in our relationship? An A, B, C, D, F…or an “I” for incomplete? Be honest!

2. Do I act like I enjoy you and enjoy being around you? Or do you feel like a fixture around here, like a lamp or a table?

3. Do you feel I critique you or make too many comments about your weight or other private and personal habits? Or do I make you feel about as unspecial as a Christmas tree ornament or hood ornament on a car?

4. Do I listen to you without interrupting? Or do I turn a deaf ear to your complaints, or put you down when you have a complaint about me?

5. Do I need friends or family to tell me how good I’ve got IT when it comes to being with you? Or do I guilt trip you for being “too sensitive” or “you’re always over-reacting” and making “mountains out of mole hills” or other personal criticisms?

6. Do I need to be hit by a solid 2×4 piece of wood between the eyes to wake up and smell the coffee and change? Or do I act dumb and fail to get the message that you’re trying to send to me?

7. Do I easily admit when I am acting stupidly or wrong and change my ways without acting like a whinybaby victim? Or do I make “poor me” excuses and blow smoke up your skirt (or down your shirt) to try and get you off my back?

8. Do I ignore your feelings and NOT validate your opinions and experiences? Or do I flip you off, by saying: “Hey, I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

9. Do I look out the window or stare off when you’re talking seriously to me? Or do I act bored when you discuss something painful or stressful to you?

10. Do I do what works and stop doing what doesn’t work in our relationship to improve our communication and feel closer? Or do I act like I’m too stubborn and set in my ways to try something different and new?

11. Do I treat sex like an act instead of a caring interplay? Or do I rarely touch or hug you, smile at you, leave positive voice mails, send funny e-mails or cards to you?

12. Do I listen effectively to disagreements, and can people “get through” to me? Or am I distracted and look around the room in an agitated way when others try to talk to me?

13. Do I enjoy being with y/our kids, and do I equally enjoy talking to y/our kids? Or am I TOO busy to talk?

14. Do I/you act confident about change and change easily? Or am I cocky and believe that I don’t have to change anything because I’m always right and everyone else is always wrong?

15. Do I have faith in a higher power or God? Or am I depending only on myself to control what’s going on?

16. Do I walk all over you to get my way? Or do I get my way at our expense, make unilateral decisions, get away with something and fail to compromise much?

17. Do I always win the arguments or points of debate? Or are you afraid to be honest with me because I might punish or reject you?

18. Do I sound like you’re always picking on me and making my life miserable? Or do I act dense, and say: “I don’t know what you’re talking about because I didn’t know things were this bad!”

TALKING OPENLY AND HONESTLY

When you don’t talk to your partner openly and honestly, your partner will be G-O-N-E. Blunt questions can snap a partner to attention! Weren’t those some GREAT questions to ask your partner, and listen to his or her answers, to determine m/y/our performance? Now, if your partner is pretty shy or really “sensitive”…s/he may not be telling you forcefully enough how you are failing at the basic act of communication. Push on!

DO YOU WANT TO EXCEL OR JUST GET BY IN RELATIONSHIP SCHOOL?

SO what do you want? To do well in communicator school or just get by? Perhaps you can’t afford to fail any grade in communicator school! Just go ahead and ask your partner…who is a great teacher and fair grader to tell you how you’re doing at the subject of “TALK!”

What’s your communicator type? Are you a sensitive or an insensitive communicator…one who just so happens to be a male or a female?! So do you want to excel or just get by in relationship school?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady has researched two new communicator styles, the Empathizers vs. Instigators and written extensively about them in his recently released book called TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone. Are men more insensitive due to their gender or social psychological training? In Dr. O’Grady’s communication studies, 37% of all communicators were “insensitive type males” in the sample population, while 18% of communicators are “sensitive type males.” On the other hand, 22% of all communicators were “insensitive type females,” while 23% of all communicators are “sensitive type females.” So much for the “guys tale” that men are the insensitive gender. (See page 130-131 in my book “Talk to Me” for complete results…and more!) By the way, the title of this article was inspired by a 60’s Four Seasons song called, “Walk Like A Man.”

Leadership Communication: You Are The Power…The Power Is In You

Does it sometimes seem as if the powers at work are SO busy talk-talking about and creating “action plans” about needed changes that your opinion falls on deaf ears and doesn’t seem to carry more weight? If it is true that meaningful change must harness the individual powers of all employees, working as a team, then who has the power to make change happen fast and last? Why doesn’t your opinion count for more? Are you just supposed to surf the ‘Net and get some sleep at work until you can go home and start living authentically? Alas, if the No. 1 indicator of success in the business world today is the ability to harness the power of change…and make small changes that all team members must “buy into” for huge profits, why are companies and leaders ignoring the very workers who have the power to pull off these changes…namely, YOU?!

WHAT CAN I/WE DO TO MAKE THINGS BETTER FOR YOU?

When I do workshops on Leadership Talks and on the Talk To Me communication training system for a wide variety of corporations, companies, small businesses, associations and the like…I am amazed at the level of disempowerment and even open disgruntlement that workers today express. A common complaint: “Why don’t THEY ask ME what would help to make things better around here? What will it take for my ideas to jump over hurdles and be listened to or used? Why do we talk a good game of change, but then not change what would really solve the problems? What are we so afraid of…the unknown? I’m tired of the talk…talk…talk that the “talking heads” around here do while feathering their nests. It’s as deep as a can of nuts!

ARE YOU SATISFYING YOUR CUSTOMERS AND COWORKERS?

I recommend you ask these powerful questions to all of your customers whether upper management does or doesn’t:

1. What can I/we do to make things better for you?

2. What grade would you give me/us about how well I/we’re serving your interests and needs?

3. What ONE thing can I do to make your life better…and your job
easier?

4. What have I promised to do for you, that I have failed to come
through on?

5. What could I/we do to open up lines of communication with you?

THE POWER RESIDES IN YOU?

When it comes to you, your life and your self-esteem, please know this is true as the nose on your face:

  • The power isn’t in your boss
  • The power isn’t in your company
  • The power isn’t in shopping at the mall (Just teasing here, teens)
  • The power isn’t in your luncheon sandwich, salad or soup (Just teasing you here, hungry adults)
  • The power isn’t in your bank account, new purse or car
  • The power isn’t in your fantasies, reverie or imagination (But it makes me feel so good, too)
  • The power isn’t in your romantic partner’s mood or how nice they are treating you
  • The power isn’t in the newest, latest and greatest business action plan that the brains have devised
  • The power isn’t in the latest business guru who teasingly asks you: “Who moved my cheese?”
  • The power isn’t in your brilliant ideas, untapped and unused talents, your unrealized potential for greatness
  • The power isn’t in your procrastinating to gain a sense of control during tough times
  • The power isn’t in not caring about what happens so you don’t get hurt
  • The power isn’t in complaining, laughing painfully and belly-aching over the top of cubicles
  • The power isn’t in the big boys and the big girls leaders club who sound SO super-confident
  • The power isn’t in your next door office mate or neighbor
  • The power isn’t in your mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, president, vice-president, or janitor (well maybe the custodian)
  • The power isn’t in the difficult person, the negatalker, your antagonistic intimidator, team partner nemesis or other BIG TALKER with a small mind
  • The power isn’t solely in the latest and greatest work crisis, psychodrama or stress event
  • The power isn’t swashbuckling pep-talk that is fakery and phony-baloney
  • The power isn’t in a powerful mentor, beloved friend or super-smart colleague you admire
  • The power isn’t in my book TALK TO ME or on this Web page (well…maybe…still no, though…I’m just seriously joking, here…I think!)
  • THE POWER IS IN YOU to walk carefully off the slippery slope called poor-me, victim thinking!

ARE YOU MADE TO FEEL LUCKY/GUILTY THAT THE COMPANY EVEN BOTHERS TO DO BUSINESS WITH YOU?

You are self-employed, and selling your talents to a grateful or begrudging customer or company group. Do you feel like an unwanted guest at the corporate or company change party, sometimes? Who doesn’t! One thing is for sure…if the power to change our companies resides in the individuals who work for THE company, why NOT make all
the people feel genuinely important instead of overlooked, invisible and insignificant? Why aren’t we remembering that THE POWER TO CHANGE IS WITHIN EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US…YOU AND ME.

In short, talk is cheap but positive action in the workplace is priceless!

THE POWER IS IN YOUR DOING SOMETHING NEW FOR A CHANGE

Yea…I say unto thee…The power isn’t in a movie star, a talking head, a bestseller, fashionable styles, the perfect body weight, finally achieving perfection, beauty and good looks, cosmetic surgery, applause and positive strokes, being needed, getting the kids raised and off to college, a pretty PowerPoint presentation, winning the debate point at the expense of a good relationship, communicating that means agreeing with mediocrity, nodding your head when you would rather say “no,” clamming up when a bully pushes a point down your throat, telling the boss what s/he wants to hear, being depressed and depressive to be around…or other emotional gadgetry that nets you misery and pours water on the fires of your passion that interferes with making a good work performance into a GREAT job well done! Can I hear an “Ah-ha…the light bulb has turned on!”

THE POWER IS IN YOU TO WALK CAREFULLY OFF THE SLIPPERY SLOPE OF POOR ME, VICTIM THINKING

No matter how despondent you feel…no matter how many times you feel you’ve beaten your head up against the corporate brick wall…no matter how many times your boss seems to pursue their own agenda at the expense of your wisdom…no matter how often you feel like shutting down or shutting off…no matter own many times you stuff anger only to stuff yourself with food or booze later…don’t you give up hope! Don’t you do IT. Don’t you allow your positive actions based on a positive attitude to get lost in the desert called the fear of change. The power IS in YOU! As Dr. Wayne Dyer, says: Believe IT, and YOU WILL SEE IT.

Yes, you and I DO really upset ourselves AND there’s everything in the inner-personal, private self-talk world that we can do about it. Walk off that slippery slope. Say, I WILL whenever I want to, Coach Dennis O’Grady!”

IT…MY WORK…REALLY UPSETS ME!?

Sure, a situation exerts control over you, your physical health and psychological welfare, your emotional mood…and many more aspects of your life. BUT you still have a say in how you will experience these stress events…in a positive or negative attitude that makes you a victim or a victor.

Does “IT really upset YOU and ME?!” Or is it truer and more genuine to say, “I really upset ME?” Well, it’s both to be sure…but you only have control over the later agency…namely, YOU. If you and I have the power to upset ourselves, then you have the accompanying power to un-upset yourself. Unleash your positive change powers as a healing force in a difficult work world, today. And don’t ever let anyone keep you down for very long!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a clinical psychologist and communications coach from Dayton, Ohio, USA. His new communication theory of Empathizer (E-type) vs. Instigator (I-type) communicators is featured in his newly released book TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone. In Dr. O’Grady’s landmark clinical studies, Empathizer communicators perceive the locus of control or power to be in the other person or situation, while Instigator communicators perceive the locus of control or power to be in the self or the situation. Just click on the underlined links to view workshop descriptions based on Dr. O’Grady’s books including Change Management, Communication Skills and Conflict Resolution.

IT Really Upsets Me…The Slippery Slope Of Victim Thinking

You are standing on the slippery slope of victim thinking when you lazily say to yourself: “IT really upsets me!” or “IT really upsets me…and I CAN’T do anything about IT!” Are you putting your self-esteem and personal power at the top of your “to-do list” for today? Or are you falling for the All-American Sob Story of “IT really upsets me” instead of the psychological truth that “I really upset ME” or “I’m really good at upsetting myself when I want to.” So who owns your mind, anyway? Who’s got the power of your mind…you…your boss…your intimidator…or the situation that’s causing you stress?

SYMPTOMS OF PITY-PARTY NEGATIVE THINKING

Alright, you and I love a sob story. With sob stories to share, you and I can feel better that some poor bloke is worse off than you or I. But beware: You are your own worst enemy when it comes to “poor me, I can’t change and all I can do is react to the bad things that happen to me that are beyond my control” thinking that victims so readily adopt. Here’s why you feel bad – and how you can think and talk differently to yourself for a change of attitude:

1. “Things come up that I don’t know how to handle.” Well, how WOULD you like to handle them? You have choices about how intensely you will interact with a stress situation…with a positive or negative, open or closed attitude. Mr/s Positive you don’t have to be, BUT you are a VERY powerful person, and you can’t afford to forget that fact for one minute!

2. “I don’t have confidence in what I’m talking about.” Well, sure you do…who ya’ kiddin’?! You just back down too fast when anyone questions you too much, especially yourself. Why let a Doubting Thomas take away that personal faith that is based on your innate abilities and ACTIONS? Why not have confidence in the solutions you brainstormed to solve the problem? Your solutions work…just try them and experience the difference for yourself.

3. “I can’t let go of the past.” Ah, now, there you go again, because ‘the past is past’ and we both know it. In fact, the previous sentence you just read is in the past, so who cares? Do you allow your so-called “past” to hold the power to sway your today…to make today be a duplicate copy of yesteryear? Oh my, where are you coming from? There’s nothing to let go of from the past, because there’s nothing to hold onto anywhere. The past is simply a figment of your wonderful imagination.

4. “Things are going along just fine for awhile, then you step into a big hole.” Hey, I don’t step into a big hole, unless I want to, and when I do choose to, I try not to whine TOO much about it. Well, actually, I am pretty good at suffering alot. Enough about me already: Why would you step into a big hole…why not walk around it? Do as I say and do: Now IF you’re looking in the rearview mirror of your life, begin looking forward to see where you’re going.

5. “Stuff happens and IT always seems to happen to me.” IT doesn’t happen to you, you are happening and going places and stuff happens that you have to deal with. Frankly, what happens…and why what happens, happens…is far less important than how you are going to respond in ways that build your self-esteem and confidence, not demolish it with self-criticism and self-flagellation.

6. “It’s SO hard to change and teach old dogs new tricks.” SO who ya’ callin’ an old dog, human? Tell the truth now, at least to yourself in your inner talk: it’s not so hard for anyone to change if he/she puts time, effort, energy and motivation into a worthy change project. Do you keep re-playing the negative worry record, “I CAN’T CHANGE BECAUSE…” over and over again until you’re nuts? Do you?

7. “BUT they’re so intimidating because they’ve got everything, including happiness.” “They sayers” don’t have to live in your psychic skin and occupy your mind and attitude on a daily basis. “Nay sayers” want to exert power over your self-attitude with their negativity, so why let them? Nobody’s happy, are they? You aren’t one down or one up because you are simply ONE AWESOME AND THENSOME PERSON!

8. “I feel guilty and obligated.” Don’t push the psychoexcuse that, “I don’t have a clue.” You are tuned in and power-full! Guilt trippers just love how easy a mark you are to manipulate when you think, walk and talk like a victim. Why do you allow others to change your mind when you’re right, AGAIN!

9. “I make the wrong relationship choice every single time.” So start making better matches when it comes to friends, dates and romantic partners. Chose someone who has a positive attitude, who travels lightly without carrying old resentment bags, who loves kids and dogs and who willingly improves the self on a daily basis. However, if you want to be miserable…stick around negative people who specialize in feeling up by bringing you down.

10. “I feel SO drained and down all the time.” Alright, I understand you’re not coming to grips with helping/saving/rescuing others, and you’re trying REALLY way, way too hard to help others who don’t help themselves. And you allow takers to strain and drain you emotionally. Hey, ever wonder…maybe all those poor sods don’t really want to be helped, after all.

11. “I can’t make up my mind.” That’s simply not true at all, because you make up your mind…then change your mind…then allow someone else to talk you out of what you believe in…then re-make your mind…then get all discombobulated and confused and back off from doing what you know you need to do for yourself to feel good. Next time, change your mind in positive ways and stick to them.

12. “My attempts to do something new always fail.” So you expect to get things right on the very first try? Isn’t anything worth doing, worth doing poorly, at first? Is it me or are you being WAY too harsh on yourself, when you stick yourself in a corner with your nose against the paint peeling wall while wailing and suffering? Why again are we fearing failure so much?

13. “I should be doing more.” Should-ism is a variation of: “My attempts to change my negative attitude fall nowhere.” So why aren’t you putting four minutes a day into improving your inner-personal communication skills, to take back ownership of your mind, to prove to yourself the truth that the power IS in you and not some dumb situation or idiotic antagonist? Why do you think I write these “Communication Today” articles…for my health, alone?

14. “I have a hard time focusing on things.” You don’t have a hard time focusing or staying focused on what works vs. what doesn’t work. Why can’t you focus NOW on being in charge of your mind?! Sarcastically ask yourself, “Who’s minding my mind…is it me or Disstick NegaTalker?” If you’re off track…you’ve taken yourself off the track and can get back on the track any time you care to.

15. “BUT I don’t have a clear direction.” Nobody’s taught you how to set heartfelt, positive and passionate goals? Come on…you know what your heart needs and wants, so stop locking your heart away in a dead wo/man’s chest. Send yourself an e-mail with five little goals written in plain English.

YOU ARE THE POWER…THE POWER IS IN YOU

I could keep going on and on about how THE POWER TO CHANGE IS WITHIN YOU but you already know that.

Sure, a situation exerts control over you, your physical health and psychological welfare, your emotional mood…and many more aspects of your life. BUT you still have a say in how you will experience these stress events…in a positive or negative attitude that makes you a victim or a victor.

I(T) REALLY UPSETS ME?

Does “IT really upset YOU and ME?!” Or is it truer and more genuine to say, “I really upset ME?” Well, it’s both to be sure…but I only have control over the later agency…namely, Dennis O’Grady. If I have the power to upset me, then I have the accompanying power to un-upset me. I prefer the challenge of unleashing and exerting my positive change power as a healing force in a difficult world.

You get to choose, too. You are not stuck with being depressive, indecisive, powerless, hopeless and helpless, confusing directions OR have the “same old same old crapola” keep happening to you over and over and over again. That’s not the way your life has to be, my friend.

THE POWER RESIDES IN YOU

When it comes to you, your life and your self-esteem, please know this is true as the nose on your face:

  • The power isn’t in me
  • The power isn’t in your INTIMIDATOR nemesis or talk antagonist
  • The power isn’t solely and only in the stress event
  • The power isn’t emotion-driven, swashbuckling pep-talk or in Heaven
  • The power isn’t in a powerful friend or colleague you admire
  • The power isn’t in my book TALK TO ME or on this Web page (well…maybe…still no, though…I’m just seriously joking, here…well)
  • THE POWER ONLY IS IN YOU to walk carefully off the slippery slope called poor me, victim thinking!

THE POWER IS IN YOU TO WALK CAREFULLY OFF THE SLIPPERY SLOPE OF POOR ME, VICTIM THINKING

Yes, you and I DO really upset ourselves AND there’s everything in the inner-personal, private self-talk world that we can do about it. Walk off that slippery slope. Say, I WILL whenever I want to, Doctor D!”

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a clinical psychologist and communications coach from Dayton, Ohio, USA. His new communication theory of Empathizer (E-type) vs. Instigator (I-type) communicators is featured in his newly released book TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone. In Dr. O’Grady’s landmark clinical studies, Empathizer communicators perceive the locus of control or power to be in the other person or situation, while Instigator communicators perceive the locus of control or power to be in the self or the situation. Just click on the underlined links to view workshop descriptions based on Dr. O’Grady’s books including Change Management, Communication Skills and Conflict Resolution.

Are You A Negative Person?

Again today I heard a reader say: “I’m having a bad week. I have a horrible attitude.  I’m trying to change it around, trying to be more positive. My teenager is a help…giving me advice about attitudes and how we can vent positive to each other or negative…that it’s a choice. She’s really changed. I need to change, too. Nothing serious, just life stuff.” Being a positive person isn’t rocket science; it’s all laid out on this Web site for you to USE.

ARE YOU TOO LAZY TO RUN YOUR LIFE SHOW?

We all are addicted to negative thoughts when we allow them to run over our best-laid plans and take root in our brains. When you are being a negative person, silently to yourself or vocally to someone else, these close-minded traits are activated. They run your life show and run away with your communication skills:

1. Believing it’s easier to be negative. Yes, it’s easier to be negative but it’s more productive to feel alive and able to be surprised and curious about yourself and your valued relationships.

2. Being lazy. Yes, every human can be lazy and do what they’ve always done that isn’t any fun. A negative person salutes their laziness and doesn’t change it.

3. Negataker. Negative people talk tons of verbal trash inside their own skulls and complain vociferously to everyone they come into contact with. The complain game is a safe haven and prison.

4. Psychocritiquer. A negative person is critical of everything and everyone. Negative people don’t meet anyone they can’t dislike or find fault with. They’ll pick the lint off the suit or dress of successful thinkers.

5. Too smart. Mental horsepower ramps up the negative talk. Unfortunately, negative people are often pretty brainy, which adds enormous horsepower under the hood. Negative thinkers can get in trouble quickly on the relationship highway.

6. Don’t care. “I don’t care and no one is going to break my heart!” is the neurotically defensive battle-cry of beleaguered contrarians. They play it safe and will feel sorry some day for all the heartbreaks that life has laid in their path. Why not be a “Merryian,” instead?

7. Change resisters. When you are punch drunk with negative thinking, you will use the No. 1 change resistance mechanism: criticizing self and others for a failure to be perfect. That’s why I say the blame game and shame game are totally lame.

8. Un-Stupid. My definition of stupid is “being brave enough to care,” and of stupid behavior as “daring to care.” Pessimists are too busy picking and analyzing the lint in their belly buttons to learn something new by truly enjoying their ignorance.

9. Made in the shade. Oddly, negative people are often saluted for being “pragmatists,” “logical types,” “fearless predictors of problems,” “disaster relief specialists,” “unafraid to break from the crowd mentality” and other crowning glories. Frankly, negative people are over-rated and ought to be told to “zip your lip for five minutes.”

10. Regrets. A negative person is filled to overflowing with life regrets. Negative thinkers spend their energy on “Oh, how I wish I would have done or said…!” Don’t be fooled, though. If a negatalker has what they say they lack, they will still be moaning about something else that’s lacking.

FEELING SORRY FOR SOMEONE, PUTS THEM DOWN AND YOU UP

Don’t feel sorry for a NegaTalker or NegaThinker, especially YOU. Instead, challenge yourself to talk positively (for a change) for a whole day. No negatalking to others or to yourself. When you get off on a negative talk street, say:

  • “Change the subject!”
  • Or, “Change the damn record!”
  • Or, “Here you go again retreating to the safety of your negative talking cave or ducking under the couch because you’re afraid. For gosh sakes…STOP IT…I DON’T WANT TO TOP OFF MY NEGATIVE THINKING WITH MORE NEGATIVISM!

ARE YOU GIVING YOURSELF A HARD WAY TO GO BY BEING NEGATIVE?

Are you a negative person, sometimes, due to mental laziness and “poor me” victim thinking? Who isn’t, now and then. Moreover, are you addicted to negative thinking and ineffective relationship communication patterns that ditches speedy travel on the two-way communicator highway? Of course not, not lovable you! Negative people are “oppositional types” or “talk opposers”…who pretend to take an “intelligent” position by positioning themselves all-ways in direct opposition to whatever is positively personal progress and growth.

Now don’t tell me: You don’t want to digress or regress…you want to progress. That’s why you’re reading all sorts of stuff on my Web site about bad attitudes being such bad news and how to spend four minutes a day inputting positive news into your brain. Thanks for taking on the four minute challenge! YOU CAN overcome a bad attitude with a little elbow grease, far less than you might think, by keeping your change sleeves rolled up and doing something new. However, change doesn’t happen if you simply become aware of having a bad attitude…you have to use new thoughts and tiny actions to pump up your attitude that’s been flattened by stress.

DO YOU THINK TOO MUCH?

You are thinking too much when you play the same old worry record over and over again and don’t do anything effective to change your tune. Being negative or positive is a choice…one you alone have the freedom to make.

BUT isn’t your being negative a sign of independent and intelligent practical thinking, maturity and relationship independence…a way to stay safe in a world of hurt? Nope. Opposing everything good and worthwhile–namely your positive un-fearful self–isn’t the ability to have an independent opinion. Instead, it’s being difficult in order to counter feeling unimportant and to stand out in the suffering crowd when you feel like a shrinking violet. Compulsively debating why things are so bad and can’t be changed, will just mess with your mind in order to gain attention while you lose your mind. Why be negative as a defense against being disappointed?! NegaTalkers or cynical people can captivate your mind, to boot.

THE PROTOTYPICAL NEGAHOLIC

Still think negatalkers are way too cool? What are some other adjectives that describe a prototypical negaholic? Negative people salute being opposed, debating, contradicting, interrupting, moralizing, strategizing, and playing mind games, cynicism. They’re attracted to pessimism, change resistance, contrarians, and they’re stubborn, adverse, bossy and balky…well, you get the idea. Your favorite “contrarian” really thinks h/she is wisely cautious and realistic. I think negative people are pessimism-driven, excessive self-esteemers who are in reality confidence slammers and sometimes rageaholics.

Give change a chance in your life today. See what happens, measure your own results by “abstaining” from “drinking in and making a toast” to negative thinking.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the founder of New Insights Communication, an executive coaching firm and communications workshop business for leaders located in Dayton, Ohio. He holds a B.A. degree from Michigan State University, an M.A. degree in Behavioral Counseling from Michigan State University, and the Doctorate of Psychology degree from Wright State University. His communications psychology book, TALK TO ME, answers the question “Why can’t we all just get along?”

New Insights Communication Poll: Are You Shy Or Stuck Up?

Shy people: Hey, my shy friends out there…do you think too much? For instance, are you self-described “shy people” really rude…stuck up…both quiet and uptight…or neither, for gosh sakes? And why do shy guys and gals, kids or teens or adults…think of themselves as SO unapproachable sometimes? Well, I thought I’d air out my brain and ask my Web page readers what YOU thought about social shyness…is it a mark of quiet genius or standoffish low self-esteem?

Here are the results of my New Insights Communication poll — results I hope will make you both curious and challenged:

SHY PEOPLE ARE…

1. SHY PEOPLE ARE STUCK UP…ZERO…that’s 0%.

2. SHY PEOPLE ARE INTROVERTS…84.21%

3. SHY PEOPLE ARE UNAPPROACH-ABLE…15.79%

DISCUSSION: PRIVATE SHYNESS VS. PUBLIC SHYNESS

Studies about shyness indicate there’s a distinction between privately shy and people who act shy only in public settings. Johnny Carson, the Tonight Show host, was publicly an extreme extrovert but socially very introverted. Carol Burnett, the comedienne, was the same way…outgoing on the stage and close only with a few close friends behind the scenes. Many of my clients are not shy but they are “introverts” who prefer to re-charge their batteries with a few close friends or time alone in solitary reflection or mediation.

INTROVERSION VS. EXTROVERSION AND COMMUNICATOR STYLE

Which brings me to the notion of “introvert” vs. “extrovert” personality…that well-researched personality spectrum that Carl Jung first introduced to our “collective unconscious”…and the Myers-Briggs group has used so successfully since Jung’s 1923 publication of “Psychological Types.”

Readers know the facts: “Shyness” is really “introversion” or an “in-going person” and that’s all that’s about, nothing more and nothing less. Why judge people who aren’t enthusiastically outgoing as “less than” or “less desirable” or “less able to climb the business ladder of success or close an important sale?” As the book by Dr. Marti Olsen Laney called “The Introvert Advantage” describes, shy people are deep observers of unspoken communication and human behavior experts, good at solving people problems and thinking about emotional and relational intricacies. I also call a bunch of these types of folks Empathizer communicators. Their opposite talk type I call Instigator communicators.

ARE SHY PEOPLE NEGATIVE THINKERS AND TALKERS?

Lastly, what I found fascinating about this poll is the “accurate belief” that falls in sharp contrast to the “negative thoughts” of the shy person…generally speaking, people DO NOT really judge introverts or the shy child or adult person as being “stuck up,” “standoffish,” “better than others,” “won’t give you the time of day,” “just too preoccupied to talk”…and so on. Isn’t that some pretty great news? Thus, is it the shy youth or adult person him- or herself who judges the SELF too harshly? I bet so. Which leads me to wonder: Are shy people better self-criticizers than the rest of us? And are these introverts really “seeing things,” and “using their strengths,” in accurate and useful ways? Whichever way you go, shy people are hugely capable of change in their attitudes and their social behaviors.

LOVE ‘EM OR HATE ‘EM

Love ‘em or hate ‘em, we’re increasingly relying upon “polls” to help us know what’s goin’ on. Being a wise guy or gal, I bet you don’t swallow everything that Negatalkers in the media choose to report on vs. overlook. Shyness is one of those “recycled” stories, the tone of these articles imply that “shy people are stuck up.” Well, before you point the finger of blame….do you describe yourself as a “shy person” who “can’t” be more outgoing? In my book “Talk to Me,” I show you how and why shy people can be as outgoing as extroverts while simultaneously enjoying their naturally “ingoing” styles.

GIFTS OF THE SHY PERSON

So, my dear clients and readers who are self-described “shy people”…you who tell me you constantly worry, fret and fidget because you are socially perceived to be “stuck up, rude or hard to read.” Maybe we need to think more positively, and support more rigorously, the GIFTS OF THE SHY. For example, if you are introverted…why not start thinking of yourself as “generous, including of others, easy to read…and even easier to talk to in authentic ways?”

IF THE SHOE OF SHYNESS DOESN’T FIT

The word “shy,” after all, is just a label. And if the label doesn’t fit…why wear it.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the designer of the new communication system found in his book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone,” which is available in the resource store at the Web site www.drogrady.com. Previous New Insights Communication Polls have included “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?” Read more about these challenging, growth producing topics, and other topics of personal and relationship interest here four minutes every day of the week to make change happen fast.