Addictions…And Your Communicator Type

We are all addicted to something, whether we own or disown that truth. Addictions include any compulsive behavior such as drinking/drugging, sexing/gambling, gossiping, judging/shaming, womanizing/manizing, over/under-working, internet pornography, being late/keeping perfect time, eating disorders, complaining or falsely praising, just to name a few. But did you know that your communicator type may affect your attitude toward addiction and thereby your actions?

Here’s how your communicator type and your “addiction attitude” interact:

  1. Empathizer-type (E-types) communicators are “dwellers” who aren’t “in denial” about their addictions and compulsions. E-types use compulsive behaviors as emotional control devices. Thus, E-types “don’t feel” much about their addictions but know exactly what they’re doing.
  2. Instigator-type communicators (I-types) are “dispellers” who are “in denial” about their addictions and compulsions. I-types use compulsive behaviors as intellectual control devices. Thus, I-types “don’t think” much about their addictions and don’t fully realize what’s happening.

CommTool#7: “What makes you THINK THAT?!”

Sometimes when you are talking to a partner you will feel like you are gasping in thin air or trudging in sludge and mud up to your knees. It’s the farthest thing from feeling as if you’re receiving a standing ovation for being the awesome and unique person/ality you are.

All joking aside, when you are stumped…when your logic is struck down like a tree hit by lightning…when you are tongue-tied by panicky anxiety…when your mind is so completely blown you are speechless…when you really don’t know where on earth the other person is coming from if from this planet or solar system at all…it’s time to punt the talk football by asking a single, head-on question…”What makes you THINK THAT?!”

Self-Defeatism: Why You Can’t Wait To Be Happy…UNTIL

Are you putting off feeling happy UNTIL your lucky stars are aligned just right in your life sky? Not a good idea. Trying to pin the tail of your happiness on the stress donkey will make you into a mule of unhappiness who feels like a beast of burden.

Here’s how the happiness-deadening word “UNTIL” tricks you into believing illogically that, “I can’t enjoy life UNTIL…

UNTIL all this stress is settled…I can’t relax.

UNTIL I know what’s going to happen…I’ll stay uptight and be worried.

UNTIL this rough week is finally over…I’ll be pressured, sleep fitfully and feel fretful.

Ah, The Places You Won’t Go With Guilt

In his golden years, Dr. Seuss wrote a tribute to life’s passages of change titled, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go!” It’s a wonder-filled story of life wisdom. High school and college graduates alike use it to flip off fear and toss guilt grenades to a place that’s safe. In any relationship, loads of fear and guilt, particularly, can fog in the ship of your dreams and make you feel lost and sunk.

When I was working on the “Guilt Bombs” article for my Web page, I was forcefully reminded just how prevalent interpersonal guilt is—and how guilt is used as a power play to force another against his/her will to do what others want them to. I also thought about how often, as a communications psychologist, I’ve heard a plethora of metaphors to describe how difficult IT can sometimes be to STOP being manipulated by guilt trippers who try to get our goat. Letting go of unearned and misplaced guilt and shame is a courageous challenge for us all.

Guilt Factoids

Guilt bombs make you hold onto negative opinions about yourself. “I don’t want anybody to be mad at me or dislike me so I don’t make waves!” … “I hate to hurt somebody’s feelings!”… “I can’t stand it when anyone is upset at me!” Those negative thoughts encourage you to soak up guilt like a sponge and require you to major in interpersonal miscommunications. Are you TOO good at guilt for your own good? Shahzam.

When you permit others to make up your mind about you, everyone’s in trouble. “You can guilt me into doing anything!” makes you feel as if you’re not good enough to be loved as you are. Some weighty but little-known guilt factors: