Guilt Complex

Guilt works in a twisted way. Those who should feel guilty often don’t give the possibility a second thought, and those who have nothing whatsoever to feel guilty about often get stuck in a tar baby of guilt. Guilt feels like a weight on your shoulders, a weight that drags you down to drown in ill-advised actions and keeps you at arm’s length from enjoying your life.

Guilt bombers are people who shamelessly push to get their way at your expense. They are shame advocates of: “I can get what I want by making you feel guilty!” Guilt bombers succeed at what they do because tossing guilt bombs at others work very well to make you comply, make you easy to manipulate, and make you say “yes” when you want to say “no.”

Guilt on the interpersonal stage causes lashing out, bickering about money, unfair fights, downer moods and relationship plights. Guilt and shame scenarios make the very people who positively love us run off and hide. Guilt bombing zaps the energy from true love and inhibits intimate sex. Ah, how we clutch unto an anchor of guilt and sputter while we drown.

You don’t deserve to let guilt blow up your self-esteem or weigh you down, because doing so can make you depressed…or depressing to be around.

Dayton communications psychologist, Dr. Dennis O’Grady, has some help with tips for us all who want to improve our communication skills and become more approachable. He promotes positive relationship moves to stop being manipulated by guilt trippers and let go of unearned guilt and shame. Dr. O’Grady has a new psychology book aimed at better communicating, “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone,” available on his Web site for $39.95.

Guilt Bombs

If you’ve ever been the target of someone else’s guilt, you know the feeling all too well. You feel attacked, defensive and stuck…and defending your way out of the situation often just makes things worse.

Why not use a powerful communication tool I’ve developed, called “asking directive questions,” so that you can be a more effective communicator, instead?! By using “assertive communication comebacks”…you will pull the fuse out of guilt bombs dropped on ya, baby…and be more response-able. No longer will you be made to feel like stale gum stuck on the bottom of a cheap shoe!

Positive communicators ask loads of “directive questions” to open up lines of closed communication. This communication “move” creates a “dialogue” instead of a closed loop “monologue” that makes you mad as a perturbed hornet. In fact, these assertive questions prove you aren’t intimated easily or backed off by guilt bombers who are prone to splenetic (bad-tempered, spiteful) displays of negative communication. Instead of repeatedly playing the same old scratchy record of hate that puts you behind in the communication race…you seek to go in a new direction on the two-way communication highway.

Communication Skills…And Your Attitude

I’m not trying to kiss up, sell you something, blow smoke up your butt, bend your mind or make you do something against your will. But I do want you to DO something right now. And here’s what I want you to do: “Make my and your day by writing down — on paper, in a Word document, in an e-mail to yourself, whatever — exactly why you’re SO awesome!”

This exercise is intended especially for all of you sensitive gals and guys who are prone to being a little bit shy about how great thou art! Y’all “sensitive types” gotta get over being so sweet and inward-gazing! And I can help you with my new communication system called TALK TO ME.

Do you sell yourself short with the excuse that you don’t want to become “stuck up?” Why do you sell yourself short? It’s time to sell yourself on yourself!

Ten Tenets of Positive Thinkers and Talkers

Are you a positive thinker, a positive talker and a positive doer? Does your personal credo make you a living legend, of sorts, because you choose to deploy an optimistic mental attitude and make a constructive impact in life?

Or do you prefer to be a “contrarian,” a negative talker who is a negative thinker and a negative doer? In my book TALK TO ME, I cover what effective communication is all about for all of us.

Why Can’t We All Just Get Along On Father’s Day?

On Father’s Day, sometimes the best that families can hope for is that everyone will get along just fine for an entire 24-hour period… no harsh words, no bickering, no nitpicking.

But what if Dad is the one whose communication skills — or lack thereof — put everyone else on edge? Fathers who recognize their shortcomings as good communicators sometimes just need a little advice and practical tips for honing their skills as sensitive guys who are approachable and able to carry on a meaningful conversation with anyone in the family.

When done right, effective communication strategies mean that everyone in a family can travel on a “two-way communication highway” instead of a one-way talk track, according to Dr. Dennis O’Grady, blogging psychologist at www.drogrady.com and author of the newly released book “Talk to Me.” Dr. O’Grady’s talk tips for Dad’s and daughters and sons and other loved ones to communicate more positively on Father’s Day and every day of the year:

1. Focus on one talk target. Before you talk, tell yourself what the single goal is in order to keep the conversation simple and focused. Example: “I want to listen better and speak in a positive tone of voice.”

2. Ask for talk time. A good communicator asks loads of “directive questions.” Example: “Is this a bad (O.K.) time to talk?”

3. Read the talk headline. Don’t suffer from “relationship attention deficit disorder.” Example: “I would like to talk to you about _____ (the kid’s grades). Would you be up for it?”

4. Take off change pressure. “This problem doesn’t need to be fixed right now BUT I do want to brainstorm options to better understand what’s going on here.”

5. Parrot back. “I am hearing you say _____. Is that correct?” Or, “What are you hearing ME say?”

6. Plug in. Don’t beat around the bush. “If I honestly tell you how I think or feel, you will tell me to ‘Shut up?!'”

7. A win for all. Open communication is not a one-way, dead-end street. “Endless debating won’t help either one of us.”

8. Don’t throw sticks or stones. Being a communication bully gets you nowhere. “I need to walk away and cool off. Is that O.K. with you?”

9. Keep your head on. Keep your “heart and head” in check to be responsive instead of reactive. “My mind is racing so I need to slow down and think for a minute.” Or, “I’m feeling like we’re getting off track.”

10. Say, “Erase that.” If you say something stupid, you can take back what you just said by saying, “Erase that! I want to take back what I just said.”

The point of positive talking is to brainstorm new ways to solve old problems. The payoff of effective talking is personal growth that makes room in couple, family and work relationships for the fresh air and sunshine of new insights.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the developer of the “directive questioning approach” that opens up lines of communication when they’ve been shut down in a relationship for too long. Dennis is the author of TALK TO ME which is a communication skills handbook that you will hold close because of the results you will see and love.