Anger At Work: Cut Off At The Knees Whenever You Speak UP?

Anger is at work in the workplace and is a silent deadly force that restricts innovation and motivation. Employers hire consultants to provide “brain food” such as time management, conflict resolution, building teamwork and strategic planning (just to mention a few) but they shy away from dealing with the “emotional undertow” of everyday frustrations.

I worry about “anger imploders” more than I fret about “anger exploders.” Anger imploders “stuff” their frustrations until they spill over, causing a shut down, stupid action or knee-jerk reaction. Anger exploders “get IT off their chest,” sending everyone scurrying to a safe place to avoid the wrath of the “venter.” What a sneaky way to get your way! Neither strategy – passively swallowing anger until a worker reaches a breaking point, or throwing anger around aggressively – works very well if you are profit-driven. In fact, negative or “crusty anger” is the opposite of enjoying the challenges of one’s life work.

CommTool#6: “I NEED you to hear that…..!”

When talks with your partner aren’t going anywhere fast or even slipping and sliding steadily downhill, it’s a great time to go inside and ask yourself, “What do I need to have/make happen here SO that I am heard?” Or, “What do I need for my co-communicator to know about me, and my Achilles Heel, to feel more connected and satisfied…paddling in the same canoe together?”

It’s not a crazy thing to do. And after talking to yourself when you’re in a tight spot, it’s a grand time to come out and honestly say: “SO I NEED you to hear that_____!” Effective communication strategies and tools ALL involve some “skull talk” or figuring out what you need to make happen to feel good.

SKULL TALK

Here’s how you can talk calmly and rationally to yourself when you are upset. In fact, I’ve listed some 30 or so sample transactions to get you started.

“O.K. self…you’re frustrated and that’s a cue that you could say or do something idiotic right now which isn’t terribly rational. Therefore…let’s stop and think for a change and stop reacting and regurgitating words that are choking off the energy flow of life-affirming communication. Let me see…yeah, I need to own that right now what I need is _____!”

WHEN YOU FEEL TREATED LIKE A CHILD BY YOUR PARTNER

Who especially is CommTool#6 designed for? Well, everyone that’s for sure BUT especially for pleasers and placators and all of us “unassertive stuffers of anger.” How about when you feel sorry for yourself and lounge too long on the pity pot? Or when your happiness is blasted? And always when a fight is escalating and you feel treated like a child.

And last but not least, it’s a good tool to use when you’re NOT listening to your own WOW…words of wisdom.

Can’t Talk?

When couples can’t talk, they quickly become dissatisfied, and when couples feel acutely dissatisfied, talking openly and effectively goes down the drain. A vicious cycle of partner alienation ensues. No one I know of likes to feel bad or alone, or to blame for a joint problem situation that a couple has to deal with by individual changes.

More than 82% of couples in a recent New Insights Communication survey reported that “talking to him” and “talking to her” when tensions arise is all but impossible…certainly tougher than driving when you are tired or spacing. So much is at stake when we don’t “feel good” in our primary relationship. On the other hand, so much is possible when you use the revolutionary new talk tools that I share in my new communications handbook TALK TO ME.

A Mad Dad on Father’s Day

I’m happy to be the proud dad of three sassy daughters, so I don’t mind telling you that I am not a “mad dad” on Father’s Day, nor do I have an ax to grind about “deadbeat dads,” “hostile fathers,” “disappearing dads,” “workaholic dads” or other dramatic topics that sell stuff. Although family anger issues have intrigued me as a family psychologist, and since I love being a dad, I practice first to try to understand instead of condemning or haranguing men who are truly “bad dads.”

Why is a bad or mad dad such bad news? What is a fair and balanced view of “key characteristics that make up the personality of a mad, bad dad?” A mad or bad father can be defined as demeaning, mean-spirited, hatefully prejudiced, a religious fruitcake, a guy who is scary because he goes to extremes and writes people off whenever anyone has the nerve to challenge his bullying or call his bluff on being a bully.

A Master Logician

What do the alphabet letters in this talk soup spell out to you: “I’m working on it.” “I know I could do better IF ONLY I tried harder.” “I should change but I can’t seem to find the motivation.” “It’s truly a huge problem but I don’t know what I SHOULD do about it.”

Aren’t all of those one-liners polite ways to say: “I know how to talk a good game of change BUT I’m not committed to the change process?!”

A “master logician” is someone who says pretty things such as, “I know I’ve got to do better!”…but keeps on doing the same old tired things that drive you insane. A master logician gives you a charismatic, likable grin, plus an: “Gosh, aw shucks…why I’m doing the best I CAN do…so PLEASE don’t blame me!” Master logicians are masters of the lingo of logic…saluting virtues, using unbeatable rhetoric, crafting fancy crafty words filled with magical innuendo that are guaranteed to take away all your anxieties. For example, “You know, nowadays, everyone knows women DO have equal opportunities.” Nice sentiments…sometimes true.