All posts by : Dr. Dennis O'Grady

I’ve got to say that I was gladdened when I read in a USA Today article that reported on a University of Denver Marital and Family Study. IT basically concluded that we men aren’t as bad as my brain has been told for decades we are. As a communications psychologist, I have silently fumed and felt ticked off about all the bad-mouthing we men take but don’t give…for being such goof-off nincompoops, lazy relationship avoiders, and haters of women but not dogs, guys who won’t commit to anything except self-pleasure. Well, I do wish the pleasure part was true.

Are you a partner who is “too sensitive”…or have you been told you are “an insensitive partner?” Moreover, are you talking insensitively in ways that detour effective problem solving? An “insensitive partner” or Instigator-type (I-type) communicator may pontificate and argue about what the problem is…like these talk examples parlay:

1. “I didn’t know things were this bad!”
2. “I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about!”
3. “Why won’t you give me another chance to make it right between us?”
4. “Do I really have to DO that? I’m not comfortable with the counseling thing!”
5. “Gosh, I don’t know what else I can say or do to try and make you happy!”
6. “That was a low blow…I don’t deserve to be treated this way!”
7. “Talking about mushy feelings-feelings is just a crock of bull!”
8. “I told you that I’m working on being nicer to you!”
9. “I wish you’d stop listening to other people who make you come home all peeved off at me!”
10. “People are putting ideas in your head that weren’t there in the first place!”
11. “It wasn’t my fault…I didn’t do anything!”
12. “It’s just been a week/month/year…give me a chance…I can’t fix everything all at once!”
13. “I’m trying REALLY hard NOT to be mean…to pay more attention to you…to spend more time at home!”
14. “You’re just being moody and irrational…I told you there’s nothing wrong. Everything is fine!”
15. “I don’t do IT all the time…the last time I did IT I apologized!”
16. “Shoot, I was just joking about it and I’m sure it hit you the wrong way!”
17. “Come on, it’s not a big deal…it’s time to get over IT!”
18. “You act like I intended to do IT. IT was nothing against you…I didn’t mean to do IT!”
19. “There you go again…you’re exaggerating how bad IT was!”
20. “I won’t lie to you…I don’t know what else to do!”
    

A partner may change his/her ways for a brief time to placate the grumbling partner. It doesn’t work. The placated partner sees right through this, “I’ll tell her/him what she/he wants to hear to get her/him off my back…then I’ll go back to my preferred way of doing things.”

The only way I know of that works to break a stalemate or “distracting talks cycle” is to use the powerful talk tools I lay out in my book TALK TO ME. Shutting down and not saying anything leads to the “stuffing” of anger and feeling down, helpless and depressed. “Marching off the map” to go to new talk places rejuvenates a limp relationship.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady runs workshops on “Conflict Resolution and Anger Management,” “Change Management,” “Leadership Talks,” and “Talk to Me.” He has earned a doctorate of psychology in 1983 and is the founding President of New Insights Communication in Dayton, Ohio.

Are you an adult daughter of a dad you would like to grow closer to, not just on Father’s Day but every day during the year? Would you like to create an “unpressured” outcome where daughter and dad spend more meaningful time together in mutually enjoyed activities? Take a super bow, because the 100 questions below (when asked honorably and respectfully) will get dad and daughter talking tons.

A dad is not used to being asked personal questions that require thinking and disclosing of self. We love IT! BUT are you daughters out there sure you really want to know the truthful answers? Of course, I was just teasing, because I know you yearn to learn with and from dad.

ASKING DIRECTIVE QUESTIONS

I teach about the importance of asking “directive questions” in the Talk2Me© system. One of my esteemed communications clients developed the list below, a list she actually used with her dad. And now both of them are closer than ever before. It’s absolutely true!

Remember, you intent in this exercise is important. It’s to have a closer relationship with a dad instead of judging him as bad. Got it? Fasten your seat belt, because you are set to fly down the two-way communicator highway!
Here are the 100 self-disclosing questions that encourage dads to “get down to it” and talk openly about themselves for a change. Take time to ask just a few now and then and just see what greats results you attain!

1. How did you feel when you found out that you were going to be a father?
2. Were you present for the birth of your child?
3. How did you feel at the birth of your child or at the first sight of your child?
4. What were your concerns when you brought your child/children home?
5. What do you like about being a Dad?
6. What do you not like about being a Dad?
7. What do you wish for your child/children?
8. What do you feel your role is as a Dad?
9. What do you teach your children about love?
10. What is your advice about relationships?
11. What do you teach your children about money?
12. Describe your relationship with your father.
13. How much time did your father spend with you?
14. How often did your father tell you that he loved you?
15. What did your father teach you about life?
16. What did your father teach you about love?
17. What did your father teach you about relationships?
    
18. What did your father do that made you happy?
19. What is your fondest memory of your father?
20. What did your father do that made you sad?
21. What do you wish you could tell your father?
22. Describe how you are like your father.
    
23. Describe your relationship with your mother.
24. How much time did your mother spend with you?
25. How often did your mother tell you that she loved you?
26. What did your mother teach you about life?
27. What did your mother teach you about love?
28. What did your mother teach you about relationships?
    
29. What did your mother do that made you happy?
30. What is your fondest memory of your mother?
31. What did your mother do that made you sad?
32. Describe how you are like your mother.
    
33. What do you wish you could tell your mother?
34. How did your parents show physical affection towards each other?
35. Did your parents spend time alone with each other?
36. Did you go on family vacations? If yes, where? Did you enjoy the family vacations?
37. Were your parents divorced?
38. How old were you when your parents divorced?
39. How did you feel when they divorced?
40. Describe your relationship with your sibling(s).
41. How much time do you spend with your sibling(s)?
42. What was the great gift your sibling(s) gave to you?
43. Does/Do your sibling(s) tell you that they love you?
44. What did your sibling(s) do that made you sad?
45. What did your sibling(s) do that made you happy?
46. What was your first job?
47. How old were you when you started working?
48. What do/did you like about your job?
49. What do/did you dislike about your job?
50. What is your most outstanding accomplishment on the job?
51. What is your biggest failure on the job?
52. Describe your typical day at work.
53. What type of relationships do/did you have with your co-workers?
54. What has been your most satisfying job and why?
55. What motivates you in your job?
56. Who is the best mentor you ever had and why?
57. Do you mentor anyone? If so, why do you mentor?
58. What is your ideal job and why?
59. What is your measure of success on the job?
60. What is your advice about working?
61. What is your advice concerning looking for a job?
62. Do your feel that you balance your job with your family life; with your spiritual life; and with your personal life?
63. What do you like to do in your free time?
64. What do you like about your free time activity?
65. How do you feel when you are doing your free time activity?
66. What brings you joy?
67. What makes you sad?
68. What inspires you?
69. What motivates you?
70. Have you ever been scared? If so, what scared you?
71. Do you ever feel like crying? Do you cry?
72. Have you ever laughed until you cried?
73. What angers you? How do you handle your anger?
    
74. Describe characteristics of a good friend.
75. What made you laugh the hardest?
76. What are your fondest memories of being with your friends?
77. What activities do you and your friends like to do and why?
78. What do you feel is the purpose of life?
79. What is your religion?
80. What do like about your religion?
81. How do you feel when you are practicing your religion?
82. What do you wish women would ask you?
83. What do you need from a woman?
84. What do you admire about women?
85. What do you dislike about women?
86. How do you feel connected to the Earth?
87. What is your fondest memory of being outdoors?
88. What do you like about animals?
89. Do/did you have a favorite animal? Why?
90. Do/did you have a favorite pet? Why?
91. What is your favorite smell?
92. What is your favorite physical feeling?
93. What is your favorite noise?
94. What is your favorite sight?
95. What is your favorite taste?
96. Have you ever had a premonition?
97. Has your heart ever felt like it was breaking? What happened?
    
98. Do you have any regrets? If so what are they?
99. Describe what love feels like.
100. What concerns you about the world?
     

Come up with your own questions, or take turns asking questions back-and-forth…even with girlfriends or guy friends at a social gathering, to get the hang of this “truth or care.” This is one thing you can’t do wrong and always get right when you talk about your life!

And my warm thanks to Colleen who developed and refined this “talking points” list to honor her dad. What a lucky guy to have a daughter like her!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the developer of the “directive questioning approach” that opens up lines of communication when they’ve been shut down in a relationship for too long. Dennis is the author of TALK TO ME which is a communication skills handbook that you will hold close because of the results you will see and love. You can also determine your communicator type and your dads communicator type by clicking on “What’s Your Type?” and taking the New Insights Communication Inventory.