Communicator Types: Empathizers

Can’t talk? In my book Talk to Me, I have discovered two bold new communicator types. In fact, I’ve found that 40% of the people you work with and love are Empathizer-type communicators. Neither talk style is better or worse.

Empathizer-type communicators, or E-types for short, share many (and more) of these traits:

  1. Interpersonally SENSITIVE
  2. Huge strength of EMPATHY
  3. Listen inclusively
  4. Achilles Heel: Can become lost in fog of feeling down and blue
  5. Must overcome glass-is-half-empty negativism
  6. Relate to world through feelings…emotions as deep as the ocean
  7. Feelings get easily hurt, too thin-skinned, take things too personally
  8. Prone to pleasing too much
  9. In a power play, can mess with your emotions
  10. Natural-born relationship experts replete with people skills

You can find out your type easily by “Taking the Test” on this site. You can go from a good to great communicator in no time at all.

There are also two of the four communicator modes (Emotions, Talks) that E-types prefer to drive in as they talk to people in their blue cars on the two-way communicator highway. In training, Empathizers benefit from adopting the strengths of their opposite communicator type called Instigators.

Statistically, 40% of all people are Empathizer communators (E-types) while 60% of all people are Instigator communicators (I-types).

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a licensed clinical psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone. He is a Clinical Professor at the Wright State University School of Professional Psychology, a professional relationship counselor and the founder of the Leadership Talks Program for entrepreneurial leadership development.

Insightful Comedian Ron White Says: “You Can’t Fix Stupid!”

There’s a hilarious hard-working comedian named Ron White who does a laughable routine in perfect Texan drawl about why “You Can’t Fix Stupid!” All the while, Mr. Tater Salad, part of the popular Blue Collar Comedy tour, smokes a big ole stogie and sips on what appears to be straight Scotch on-the-rocks. He’s not afraid to say what many of us are thinking.

Tongue-in-cheek straight talkers like Ron White tell IT like IT is. How “good looks” aren’t as important as “smart brains.” Mr. Tater Salad hilariously explains how you and I can fix blabby stomachs, facial wrinkles and other prized body parts due to gravity BUT…”You can’t fix stupid!”

Another wise-acting southerner, Forrest Gump, was taught by his mama to reply to the taunting “Boy…are you crazy or just plain stupid!” with this similar pithy comeback. He would say, “My mama always said…STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES!” Psychologist Translation: “Some people who think they’re awfully smart sure act awfully dumb, sometimes.”

My personal definition of stupid: “To be caring…to speak honestly…to show caring…to communicate openly about personal matters…including sex and money.” After all, we all travel together on the two-way communicator highway. Thus, emotional intelligence, or having compassion when those around you are behaving in unfeeling ways…is true grit, an act of grace, of wit and sensibility and shows personal maturity.

Are you talking openly and honestly with your life partner about money, sex, politics, good grief, communication, etc. in order to show caring and feel cared for? You can fix “stupid” communication darned fast…IF and when you use new communication tools.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady believes “You Can Fix Stupid!” And if you want to, you CAN be a brilliant communicator by using his “Talk to Me” new theory of communication.

Psychologist’s Life: Happy Mother’s Day, Betty Merrill O’Grady

As a psychologist and communications consultant, I lead a very interesting life, and I get asked many curious questions like this one, “Dr. O’Grady, do you have mother issues?” Well, I’m glad to blithely agree that, of course I have “mother issues!” Whoever has a mother has mother issues, right?

Hi, MOM! Happy Mother’s Day, MA!! Mom…you inspire love and hope to take place when hate is in the starting gates at the beginning of the race. Your voice and wise words are ALL-ways music to my ears!

Dear MA:

Happy Mother’s Day to you today!

Just wanted to let you know that you are the best MOM in the whole wide world! I am SO glad that we have a “real” relationship that is we-centered instead of me-centered. You’ve taught me that life is best traveled on a two-way communicator highway.

You’ve also pulled my butt out of the fire more times than I can ever repay. I’ve learned what “unconditional love” is from you…to stand by those you truly love who’ve been knocked down by life and feel plain, plumb dumb. And you’ve walked beside me whenever I made some pretty dumb life decisions (and experienced the consequences) BUT learned, changed, matured and moved on. I sure have learned to appreciate communication tools and handling moods from you.

As you know, I’m against “perfect”…including “the perfect mother” or “the perfect son/daughter.” Trying to be perfect is “perfectly insane.” I’ve also learned from/with you that, “The harder I try to control…the behinder I get!” Or, “The more I let go the more life goes the way life wants me to travel.” Ironically, I make the mistake of trying to control what I can’t control…and fail to exert control over what I can control.

I DO appreciate that you didn’t give me a hard time about becoming a psychologist. I love being a “talk therapy” psychologist, although as you’ve correctly guessed, it can be pretty emotionally draining and grueling some days. Hearing painful life stories, and hanging in there while the ashes of grief settle and new growth occurs, is not for the weak-of-heart. I do find that providing “meaningful service” to others is what life’s all about for me.

Well, you’re probably enjoying your beautiful day sitting by Al and Ginny’s lanai and hearing the babbling sound of the whirlpool cascading into their pool. You told me Al is going to grill? Hey, everything my older bro’ ever needed to know about grilling…I taught him! Right bro’? So glad we are ALL connected for all time. Hi Ginny!! For I am your very lucky-second son who knows how to double-up on your love.

Have you told Al yet that I am your favorite Smothers’ brothers son? Sibling rivalry aside, thanks for being my mom, Mom. I know it’s been a LONG while since Dad passed away…and I, too, miss him more than anything. BUT I’m more thankful than ever that we still all have each other to talk and listen to.

Mom you have repeatedly given me hope when I’ve been surrounded by darkness and fear. You’ve taught me that “There’s nothing to fear, including fear itself.” You’ve encouraged me to be emotionally honest and relationally literate. You’ve boosted my spirits in countless ways in the 50-plus years we’ve been together. And when I’ve felt like a complete idiot and failure, you haven’t scolded me with a “I told you so, Denny!” And when I’ve done good being a loving husband and father…you’ve rejoiced.

You are the way of LOVE MOM.

Your loving son,

Denny

Reader P.S.: I’ve dedicated my upcoming book “Talk to Me: Communication moves to get along with anyone” to Mom. Me-mum and I have grown closer through the years…as I’ve learned more about her personal journey and struggles and Mom has been a part of my life “oops.” Frankly, when I’ve most needed my mom to be there for me, she arrives on the talk crash scene with a confident air and solutions in hand.

Do I have mother issues? I hope so, because I DO SO love my mom and know the “real” woman that makes up that whopping psychological “imago” of “the perfect image of the perfect mom.” I prefer the Real Merrill-O’Grady. LUV YOU, MOM!!!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the proud adult son of his beloved elder mother Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady, and a clinical psychologist who practices in Dayton, Ohio. His forthcoming book TALK TO ME is dedicated to his mother, Betty.

Word Pollution: “Um…y’know…I kinda’…dunno…don’t you agree…do ya’ know what I mean?”

My ears get reamed every day and my brain screams when I hear some of these talk fillers from pedigreed people: “Um…y’know…um…I kinda’…like…don’t you think so…um…yeah…um…y’know…don’t you agree…ya’ know what I mean?!” Aarrh! Give my ears a break from all the word pollution and rigmarole!!

Getting down on tobacco smokers for second-hand smoke is all the rage…BUT what about people who accost your ears and senses with secondhand talk fillers, noise, static and all types of verbal pollution and gobbledy-gook? What about those noise-makers whose talk is about as calming as someone scraping their fingernails across a chalk board?

Do you think I want to be around your toxic clouds of pollution talk? Not on your talk couch, word whacker. Dr. Taibi Kahler, gifted thinker/writer/consultant for “Process Communication Management” put forth that there are five talkspeak “drivers,” or talk habits, that tell you how consciously and carefully a person is driving down the two-way communicator highway:

  1. Please Others (Me): Agreeing with people just to make them feel good, and getting others to agree with you to get them off your back, instead of giving differing opinions or negative feedback. Example: “Don’t you agree with me? Ya’ know what I mean?”
  2. Try Hard: Trying hard isn’t the same thing as doing what you say you want/will do. “I tried hard to…” is an excuse for laziness or inertia. This is the procrastinator’s gas-station hang out. Example: “Don’t be mad at me…I’m trying REALLY, really, really trying hard TO _____!”
  3. Hurry Up: Rushing around with your hair on fire but not being where you are NOW or getting where you need to GO. Example: “I’m running from pillar to post. I just DIDN’T have time! It’s not my fault…don’t feel despondent or dejected!”
  4. Be Strong: Stuffing feelings in the subconscious mind, thus permitting them to be covered up in the short term and come out sideways in negative behaviors over the long haul. Example: “I didn’t want to tell you what I was feeling because that would have upset you SO much so I just quietly went out and had an affair, instead of bothering you.” Hey, am I just joking here, dear reader?!
  5. Be Perfect: My personal favorite today gets you looking and sounding good but not getting much good done. Requires a speaker to say whatever you want to say JUST PURRfectly (perfectly)…or don’t bother saying anything useful at all. Example: “I’m not sure exactly…right this particular instantaneous instant second of time in the unfolding universe of time…IF this would be the right course of action for the right reason at the right time…SO I had better think about this more in-depth and study the issue more thoroughly and then get back to you because I don’t want to miss something really BIG and MAKE A BIG MISTAKE!”

Psychologist’s Life: Hey, I’m sick of people pokin’ a stick in my ear and calling it “good talk.” Give me some room to breathe, think and be of good cheer. Keep your talk pollution outside of my three ears…y’know what I mean?! And furthermore, my fondest talk polluter, do you even know that the word “rigmarole” that I used above actually means “confused, rambling, nonsensical, incoherent discourse?” HA…Gottcha’! Y’know what I mean?

So PLEASSSE…think about what you say before you light up some words that are going to make me choke. After all, IT’s up to you to protect the health of our talk planet and reduce “word pollution.” NOW don’t ya’ agree with me…I kinda’…um…like…y’know…y’know what I mean?!!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady offers Corporate Communications Coaching to Dayton-area privately-held entrepreneurial companies, and is the developer of a brand new communication theory showcased in “TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone” due for release in June, 2006.

Let’s Talk: Problem-Solving Made Simple

You Don’t Blame a Person, You Fix A Problem!
When people are made the problem, you will be distracted from doing what works to solve the problem. When you lose a problem-solving focus, you and those you deal with WILL lose OUT in equally big ways.

Solving problems by using effective communication tools MAY be the missing map in your life adventure that can guide you out of emotional swamps crowded with hungry alligators that you are now lost in. Have you noticed how blaming others is a slick diversion to solving tenacious problems?

Here’s the pattern of how you defeat yourself: Painful emotions…trying to control…missed communications…escalating problems…the blame cycle…hard feelings…lack of cooperation…painful emotions, and so on and so on scooby-dooby do.

For example, if your turn the statement “You make me frustrated!” inside out, it becomes: “What needs to happen differently here (change) so both you and I can have our needs satisfied?” Sure, I realize we don’t always get what we want, but we can have more of what we need by using a communication problem-solving process. Why end up being an anger communicator?

What works for effective problem solving is jointly coming up with new steps to try…then trying them out. Small steps that eventually lead to big changes are evaluated daily to measure actual RESULTS. Thus, you don’t blame a person, you fix a problem!

Adjusting to problems isn’t the point here…adjusting your strategies to solve problems is the point.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a transactional analyst group and family psychotherapist who teaches how to use positive communication skills where everyone can win.