Change Management: Five Fears of Change

When people feel stuck and frustrated, it is often their fear of change that is causing the problem. When that fear is too strong-as it is in the workplace today-people are afraid to change. That is because they are under great stress and feel out of control.

There are five major fears of change. I rank these according to what corporate communication coaching clients and nationwide audiences have told me.

Usually PEOPLE WHO FEAR CHANGE experience at least one (or more) of the following normal change fears.

1. Fear of the Unknown. Why do men or women fear committing to learning new communication skills at work or in a romantic relationship? Why does taking a new job seem SO scary? We are most at ease when we are completely familiar with our surroundings and sure of what the future holds for us. As a result, fear of the unknown, and staying in our comfort zones or boxes, can paralyze us.

2. Fear of Failure. Typical questions you might ask yourself are, What IF after I try it, it doesn’t work out and I look foolish? Won’t I be a laughingstock? Will I be perceived to a big, fat loser? People expect to get everything right the first time, instead of taking their time to work things out and getting them right at some time.

The Change Game: How to Win in These Fast-Changing Times

Change has a bad reputation in our society. But it isn’t all bad-not by any means. In fact, change is necessary in life-to keep us moving…to keep us interested…to keep us growing.

Imagine life without change. It would be static…boring…and dull. When people feel stuck and frustrated, it is often their fear of change that is causing the problem.

When that fear is too strong-as it is in the workplace today-people are afraid to change. That is because they are under great stress and feel out of control.

(S)Mother’s Day: “Why Is A Bad Mom Such Bad News?”

There are many adult children of bad mothers. A bad mother can be defined as an emotional, blackmail, black-belt con artist…one who blame-fully poisons the well of the positive mind and is communicationally abusive.

On Mother’s Day, many good men and women feel guilt-tripped by all the Hallmark card mixed messages that try to define the perfect mother as, well..perfectly normal. BUT what if y/our mother is bad to the bone? What then? Do you act nice and dress up that ugly reality all pretty-like? No, of course you don’t. It’s not wise to ignore a painful reality.

Tell me…Why Is A Bad Mom Such Bad News?
So let’s be fair, here. Many of us look as if we hail from the perfect family when in reality we are living in a cauldron of family stew, where tense emotions…NOT talking…and disappointed expectations, are the norm. Here’s why a “bad mom” can be such bad news:

  1. Guilts: Gives you the “guilt look” and drops the “guilt bomb” on ya
  2. Gossips: Talks behind backs and plays kids/grandkids (siblings) off against each other manipulatively
  3. Fakes: Doesn’t respect personal boundaries, healthy discourse and truth-telling
  4. Blames: “It’s NOT my fault because I”m NEVER wrong!”
  5. Abuses: Emotionally (physically) abusive…controlling…fault-finding
  6. Psychodramatic: Melodramatically and breathlessly invites you to come into “The Blame and Shame Show,” which isn’t the greatest show on earth.
  7. Is a Taker: A people user…uses other people as objects…expects sympathy
  8. Shames: Makes you feel bad about the best parts of who you really are
  9. Puts Down: Undermines your healthy self-regard by saying: “You’re just being selfish!”
  10. Angers: Paints others red with her anger whenever anyone has the nerve to effectively disagree
  11. Abandons: Uses threats of abandonment and punishments such as social ostracism or exclusion, to get her way
  12. Blackmails: Is an emotional blackmail artist, own a black built in guilt but can cry like a baby, when it’s to her advantage

Don’t get me wrong. There are “bad” fathers, bosses, grandmothers/fathers, coworkers, etc., and the list of terrible traits above would fit them all, too. That’s the point!

Bad communicators use the same bad talk tools, and that’s why we call them “bad communicators” when what we actually mean to describe them as something more spiffy, such as as “ineffectual communicators who turn positive talk off cold.”

Focus today on the people who really “want you” and care for you as you are. Trying too hard to please others who are too hard to please will put your happiness in a coffin. (Read the timeless fable of “The Scorpion and The White Horse” on this site to find out why we are slow to learn who are true friends are.)

In the meantime, go on easy and let go of the guilt, especially if you know a “bad mother” (or bad boss, father, grandparent, brother/sister etc.) who uses the cloak of motherhood to do some pretty dark and dastardly deeds this Mother’s Day.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the father of three daughters, and enjoys a two-way communication street with his elder mother, Betty Merrill O’Grady. Dennis works with many cases of controlling parental emotional abuse…which he conjectures and believes to be one of the root causes of relationship fear, mistrust and distress.

Self-Esteem: “Stupid Is As Stupid Does”

As a parent of three daughters and a communication psychologist, early-on I outlawed the use of the word “stupid” in my home. I know it’s “stupid”…BUT I loathe the word “stupid” although I hear it daily in my office and at home! Yikes!

RUN FORREST, RUN

“What was I thinking?!” “That’s the point…I wasn’t thinking!” is a lament I hear daily in my psychotherapy practice. If I had ten bucks every time I’ve heard that “What-I-did-am-stupid-and-guilty” put down, why…WHY I would be as rich in my bank account as I am in my personality. Psychologically, repetitively speaking the word “stupid” encourages and reinforces “stupid” AKA UNCARING actions.

WHY FORREST GUMP WAS SUPER-SMART AND SUPER-CARING

Forrest Gump cut to the chase because he DARED TO CARE. I’m a 30-plus year veteran of the “stupid talk wars.” Here were some of the ways people express a lack of caring about caring framed in the word “stupid.”

  1. Idiot
  2. Dumbbell
  3. IT for brains
  4. Stupid people make me really angry
  5. Empty-headed
  6. Stupid systems are dumb
  7. Numbskull
  8. Do you use your head for more than a hat rack?
  9. Dim-witted
  10. Dumb as a rock
  11. Dumb nuts
  12. Dumb as dirt
  13. Dumb as a doorbell
  14. Plumb…dumb…stupid
  15. You can’t fix stupid
  16. Hey, fathead!

My, now aren’t we feeling fine after filling our minds with a bunch of garbage? My definition of dumb is “uncaring.” And yes, people are plenty uncaring…especially towards themselves because they lack high self-esteem (HSE). HSE is being able to show caring toward self and others when you are feeling tossed about, split apart, strained, pushed, stressed or hurting.

HIGH SELF-ESTEEM: CARING IS…AS CARING DOES

Forrest Gump was right that “Stupid is as stupid does!” I might add that “Caring is as caring does!” Forrest was VERY CARING…even risking his life and helping others’ dreams come true long after they left this world. In my couch talk, that means y/our Emotional I.Q., or what you do DO…matters as much, or more than, your intellectual I.Q. or what you are capable of doing.

We can be plenty brainy but still lack caring. In my communicator theory, Forrest Gump would be an ETE, or an Empathizer-type extrovert. Very rare type! I call ETE’s…SEERRS. Empathizer extroverts see and know what it would take to make the world a far better place IF you and I would only….

You aren’t stupid. You can think ahead to the consequences of what you are feeling like doing today. After all, “Caring is as caring does!” may not always be smart but it is brave!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is an executive coach, management consultant and professional relationship counselor who is the author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.

CommTool #3: “‘It’s NOT fair!’ is supremely fair”

You hear yourself moan: “IT’S not fair!”
You respond sensibly: “You’re right…It’s not fair. The FAIR comes around once in the summer!”

Often, when you feel sorry for yourself, you shut down by using the negative thought: “BUT that’s not fair!” Or, “That’s not the way IT’s supposed to be/go!” Oh man, do we have the capacity to feel sorry for ourselves and slide down into a pit of despondency, or what?

Why Does “IT” Always Happen To Me?

Hope is here when you feel primed to feel sorry for yourself. You can talk caringly and realistically to yourself while recognizing…not running from…a disappointment.

Let’s say your energy is tapped and your mood zapped. You hear your inner voice grinding out, “Why does this always happen to me? Life’s NOT Fair!” This is a great time to use CommTool #3: “‘It’s NOT fair!'” is supremely fair!” Let’s see if you agree.

Here we go…you are downing yourself by saying:

My life’s not working. I feel bad, shut down, closed in. God, what’s happening to me? I’m moody but it’s just not fair. Not fair at all! Why should I try so hard to be positive when life and people keep on letting me down? Why even bother? Throughout life I’ve been a giver, and people take me as a sucker. Takers are happy…while givers are glum. Yeah, I know feelings aren’t necessarily facts or reality BUT I feel like such a loser…a big, fat, lame, zero. Why does this always have to happen to me? IT’s NOT fair!

YOUR INNER-TALK RESPONSE: “Life is supremely fair…the FAIR comes once a year!”

Do you feel as if you’re rolling the rock up the hill by your nose, only for the boulder-of-a-rock to come rolling and thundering right back over you squashing you flat as a pancake. Sometimes, people just feel like giving up. “Why should I even try?” is GIVEUPITIS of the worst kind.

Maybe something different will happen when you challenge your negative thinking while respecting your right to feel as bad as a good person does. After all, you are getting ready to “give up ‘giving up!’ ”

Self-talk NOW: One more time…“IT’s NOT fair! Says who?…Houdini or me? I think life is supremely fair. I know for a fact that the FAIR comes around to my county in the summer…every single year. I don’t think I’ll wait that long to put my life back on track. Part of life’s magic is to decide to be positive when I’m feeling completely negative!”

“Life’s NOT supposed to be fair…so you had better get used to it, son!” won’t work for you, me or those you love. That “suck it up” well-meaning response has the effect of adding misery to my already plentifully miserable life.

Talk Back to Yourself

So be the “comeback kid” when you life stinks to high heaven like garbage. SO…when you once more hear yourself talking illogically that “IT’S not fair!” try this:

When YOU hear yourself thinking/saying: “IT’S not fair!”

Talk back positively to yourself by responding: “You’re right (insert your name here)…It’s NOT fair. The FAIR comes around once in the summer!”

Whooooooa, Nelly! Feel the difference?!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications coach from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of “Taking the Fear out of Changing” and TALK TO ME at www.drogrady.com