Posts in category: EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Veteran Dayton Daily News health reporter, Kevin Lamb, wrote a positive parenting advice piece for dads who want to improve their communication skills and become more approachable by using Dr. Dennis O’Grady’s new communication tools.

PARENTING ADVICE

Worried your kids won’t talk to you? Kicking yourself that there must have been a better way to talk to them after they slink sadly back to their rooms?

Then Centerville psychologist Dennis O’Grady, who blogs at www.drogrady.com, has some help with his Father’s Day tips for dads who want to improve their communication skills and become more approachable.

O’Grady also has a new psychology book aimed at better communicating, Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone, available on his Web site for $39.95.

Here are three of his 10 TALK POSITIVELY TIPS FOR DADS:

1. Be sure you’re not catching the person you want to talk to at a bad time.

2. If you’re hoping to bring about some change, approach it in more of a collaborative than demanding tone.

3. Don’t be afraid to say you wish you hadn’t just said that. “If you say something stupid, you can take back what you just said by saying, ‘Erase that! I want to take back what I just said.'”

Everyone makes mistakes in talking. That’s why they have blooper shows. Turning your blunder into humor might even soften up your listener.

Kevin Lamb is a lifestyle and health reporter for Dayton Daily News. Mr. Lamb can be reached at the email address of kevin.lamb@DaytonDailyNews.com. To read Dr. O’Grady’s full article just click on “Communicating with Your Dad.” Or you can read about “A Mad Dad on Father’s Day” on this site, too.

On Father’s Day, sometimes the best that families can hope for is that everyone will get along just fine for an entire 24-hour period… no harsh words, no bickering, no nitpicking.

But what if Dad is the one whose communication skills — or lack thereof — put everyone else on edge? Fathers who recognize their shortcomings as good communicators sometimes just need a little advice and practical tips for honing their skills as sensitive guys who are approachable and able to carry on a meaningful conversation with anyone in the family.

When done right, effective communication strategies mean that everyone in a family can travel on a “two-way communication highway” instead of a one-way talk track, according to Dr. Dennis O’Grady, blogging psychologist at www.drogrady.com and author of the newly released book “Talk to Me.” Dr. O’Grady’s talk tips for Dad’s and daughters and sons and other loved ones to communicate more positively on Father’s Day and every day of the year:

1. Focus on one talk target. Before you talk, tell yourself what the single goal is in order to keep the conversation simple and focused. Example: “I want to listen better and speak in a positive tone of voice.”

2. Ask for talk time. A good communicator asks loads of “directive questions.” Example: “Is this a bad (O.K.) time to talk?”

3. Read the talk headline. Don’t suffer from “relationship attention deficit disorder.” Example: “I would like to talk to you about _____ (the kid’s grades). Would you be up for it?”

4. Take off change pressure. “This problem doesn’t need to be fixed right now BUT I do want to brainstorm options to better understand what’s going on here.”

5. Parrot back. “I am hearing you say _____. Is that correct?” Or, “What are you hearing ME say?”

6. Plug in. Don’t beat around the bush. “If I honestly tell you how I think or feel, you will tell me to ‘Shut up?!'”

7. A win for all. Open communication is not a one-way, dead-end street. “Endless debating won’t help either one of us.”

8. Don’t throw sticks or stones. Being a communication bully gets you nowhere. “I need to walk away and cool off. Is that O.K. with you?”

9. Keep your head on. Keep your “heart and head” in check to be responsive instead of reactive. “My mind is racing so I need to slow down and think for a minute.” Or, “I’m feeling like we’re getting off track.”

10. Say, “Erase that.” If you say something stupid, you can take back what you just said by saying, “Erase that! I want to take back what I just said.”

The point of positive talking is to brainstorm new ways to solve old problems. The payoff of effective talking is personal growth that makes room in couple, family and work relationships for the fresh air and sunshine of new insights.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the developer of the “directive questioning approach” that opens up lines of communication when they’ve been shut down in a relationship for too long. Dennis is the author of TALK TO ME which is a communication skills handbook that you will hold close because of the results you will see and love.

“Change happens” could be the mantra of Dennis O’Grady, a consulting communications psychologist in Dayton and author of the popular book Taking the Fear Out of Changing and Talk to Me: Communication moves to get along with anyone.

“What psychologists do well is help people cope with change,” O’Grady explained, “and encouraging people to stay up during discouraging times is what my business is all about. I help leaders, individuals, companies, families, couples and team members deal better with change.” (From “Analyze This” by Richard Doty in The Magazine of Wright State University, Fall 2004.)

Give Change a Chance

Members of my change management seminar audiences often ask how to know the difference between when you should change…and when you should continue doing things the way you’ve been doing them. One answer is to create a circle of advisers for yourself-people whom you trust and with whom you can double-check your thinking.

I am also a firm believer in brief communications coaching. You’re not crazy if you hire a neutral (outside your work/family) consulting “change agent(s)” to be part of your inner circle of advisers. In fact, you would be sane and smart. People need advice from experts in change and changing behavior.

Ask three people who aren’t afraid to give you blunt, accurate, timely feedback. Surround yourself by people who are interested in your changes, not in keeping things the way they’ve always been.

Another step you can take is to begin to value all of your relationships more. Friendship and romance are powerful ways to promote positive change. And lastly, you can take advantage of the self-help groups/web logs that are available for free on the internet.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications coach and consulting psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of Taking the Fear Out of Changing and the new and tested communication tools handbook TALK TO ME. Dennis is also the developer of the “Leadership Talks” corporate team communication training program.

As the developer of a new interpersonal communications theory, I am often asked “How can I be a good two-way communicator?” Actually, that very question is a miscommunication because “good vs. bad” communicators is a misnomer. Rather, you are either an “effective” or an “ineffective” communicator on the two-way communicator highway — one who does or doesn’t get “positive results” when you speak to yourself or to others.

So here’s what makes a “good” or “effective” communicator in my book TALK TO ME:

1. You know your communicator type. You are either an Empathizer-type (E-type) communicator or an Instigator-type (I-type) communicator.
2. You know a talk partner’s communicator type. Chances are your talk partner is your opposite communicator type.
3. You are able to recite the four communicator modes in this order: Emotions mode, Beliefs mode, Behaviors mode, Talks mode. You are able to “hear” the modes talk to you and be “responsive” instead of “reactive.”
4. You appreciate that E-types prefer to travel in the lanes of Emotions and Talks and respond appropriately.
5. You appreciate the fact that I-types prefer to travel in the lanes of Beliefs and Behaviors and respond appropriately.
6. If you are an E-type, you use the positive Beliefs mode more to change fast and try out new talk tools that last.
7. If you are an I-type, you use the positive Emotions mode more to change fast and try out new talk tools that last.
8. You don’t play the blame game by using gender, mood, ethnic/racial, emotional baggage, habit, personality, inability to change or other excuses to explain away lame talking tactics.
9. You don’t ever claim that “venting a spleen” is really “talking.”
10. You spend four minutes a day learning new talk tools and you keep an open mind about how to drive more sanely on the two-way communicator highway.

The two-way communicator highway is the way to go if you want to achieve lasting intimacy, teamwork, family problem-solving, entrepreneurial success and lasting good works. If you don’t know your “communicator type,” you can “take the test” at this site to find out.

Are you ready to go from a “good to great communicator?” I bet you are! Talk isn’t cheap…good talk is priceless.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the developer of the new communication technology featured in his new book TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone at www.drogrady.com

My ears get reamed every day and my brain screams when I hear some of these talk fillers from pedigreed people: “Um…y’know…um…I kinda’…like…don’t you think so…um…yeah…um…y’know…don’t you agree…ya’ know what I mean?!” Aarrh! Give my ears a break from all the word pollution and rigmarole!!

Getting down on tobacco smokers for second-hand smoke is all the rage…BUT what about people who accost your ears and senses with secondhand talk fillers, noise, static and all types of verbal pollution and gobbledy-gook? What about those noise-makers whose talk is about as calming as someone scraping their fingernails across a chalk board?

Do you think I want to be around your toxic clouds of pollution talk? Not on your talk couch, word whacker. Dr. Taibi Kahler, gifted thinker/writer/consultant for “Process Communication Management” put forth that there are five talkspeak “drivers,” or talk habits, that tell you how consciously and carefully a person is driving down the two-way communicator highway:

1. Please Others (Me): Agreeing with people just to make them feel good, and getting others to agree with you to get them off your back, instead of giving differing opinions or negative feedback. Example: “Don’t you agree with me? Ya’ know what I mean?”
2. Try Hard: Trying hard isn’t the same thing as doing what you say you want/will do. “I tried hard to…” is an excuse for laziness or inertia. This is the procrastinator’s gas-station hang out. Example: “Don’t be mad at me…I’m trying REALLY, really, really trying hard TO _____!”
3. Hurry Up: Rushing around with your hair on fire but not being where you are NOW or getting where you need to GO. Example: “I’m running from pillar to post. I just DIDN’T have time! It’s not my fault…don’t feel despondent or dejected!”
4. Be Strong: Stuffing feelings in the subconscious mind, thus permitting them to be covered up in the short term and come out sideways in negative behaviors over the long haul. Example: “I didn’t want to tell you what I was feeling because that would have upset you SO much so I just quietly went out and had an affair, instead of bothering you.” Hey, am I just joking here, dear reader?!
5. Be Perfect: My personal favorite today gets you looking and sounding good but not getting much good done. Requires a speaker to say whatever you want to say JUST PURRfectly (perfectly)…or don’t bother saying anything useful at all. Example: “I’m not sure exactly…right this particular instantaneous instant second of time in the unfolding universe of time…IF this would be the right course of action for the right reason at the right time…SO I had better think about this more in-depth and study the issue more thoroughly and then get back to you because I don’t want to miss something really BIG and MAKE A BIG MISTAKE!”

Psychologist’s Life: Hey, I’m sick of people pokin’ a stick in my ear and calling it “good talk.” Give me some room to breathe, think and be of good cheer. Keep your talk pollution outside of my three ears…y’know what I mean?! And furthermore, my fondest talk polluter, do you even know that the word “rigmarole” that I used above actually means “confused, rambling, nonsensical, incoherent discourse?” HA…Gottcha’! Y’know what I mean?

So PLEASSSE…think about what you say before you light up some words that are going to make me choke. After all, IT’s up to you to protect the health of our talk planet and reduce “word pollution.” NOW don’t ya’ agree with me…I kinda’…um…like…y’know…y’know what I mean?!!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady offers Corporate Communications Coaching to Dayton-area privately-held entrepreneurial companies, and is the developer of a brand new communication theory showcased in “TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone” due for release in June, 2006.