Posts in category: EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

You Don’t Blame a Person, You Fix A Problem!
When people are made the problem, you will be distracted from doing what works to solve the problem. When you lose a problem-solving focus, you and those you deal with WILL lose OUT in equally big ways.

Solving problems by using effective communication tools MAY be the missing map in your life adventure that can guide you out of emotional swamps crowded with hungry alligators that you are now lost in. Have you noticed how blaming others is a slick diversion to solving tenacious problems?

Here’s the pattern of how you defeat yourself: Painful emotions…trying to control…missed communications…escalating problems…the blame cycle…hard feelings…lack of cooperation…painful emotions, and so on and so on scooby-dooby do.

For example, if your turn the statement “You make me frustrated!” inside out, it becomes: “What needs to happen differently here (change) so both you and I can have our needs satisfied?” Sure, I realize we don’t always get what we want, but we can have more of what we need by using a communication problem-solving process. Why end up being an anger communicator?

What works for effective problem solving is jointly coming up with new steps to try…then trying them out. Small steps that eventually lead to big changes are evaluated daily to measure actual RESULTS. Thus, you don’t blame a person, you fix a problem!

Adjusting to problems isn’t the point here…adjusting your strategies to solve problems is the point.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a transactional analyst group and family psychotherapist who teaches how to use positive communication skills where everyone can win.

DO YOU GET GREAT RESULTS BY FOCUSING ON WHAT NEEDS TO CHANGE INSTEAD OF WHO NEEDS TO CHANGE?

Many of my clients who need help with communications skills get great results by focusing on WHAT needs to change instead of WHO needs to change.

The old saw goes like this: “Don’t push against the river of change…flow with stress events.” Or, “If IT ain’t workin’…do something different!”

I use a CANOE metaphor to help you keep your mind(s) focused on ACTIONS and RESULTS instead of talk…making lame excuses…more talk…pointing a finger of blame…even more talk…getting all defensive…repeating talks…feeling critical or criticized …talk-talk…launching counter-attacks…talk-talk-talk…disrupting by interrupting…talk-talk-talk-talk…agreeing to something and then procrastinate perfectly…talk…talk…talk…I’m pooped!

There is no single way to paddle a canoe that works for everyone. The point is to paddle the canoe as a team…in the agreed upon direction…without running out of energy or killing one another to get to the destination where treasure awaits you.

Are you doing teamwork or mework? Read my blog on “New Insights About Teamwork” that teaches you my canoe metaphor to find out.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady studies leadership styles and teaches teamwork tools in his coaching and consulting practice that focuses on change management and communication skills.

Defensive Talking of The Anger Communicator

In the classic movie “Cool Hand Luke,” Paul Newman played a charismatic leader/prisoner who was also the instigator of rebellion against the system and the warden who ran it.

In a scene that’s become famous, the warden had these words for Newman just before punishing the mouthy prisoner by throwing him in the potentially deadly “hole,” or outdoor solitary confinement:

“Son…What I believe WE have here is a failure to communicate!”

It’s a perfect example of so-called “defensive talking.”

“Defensive talking” defends the individual at the expense of the relationship. Defensive talking is a play off the old saying, “The best defense is a good offense!”…which actually throws gasoline on the fire of conflicts. Defensive talking is the hallmark of an anger communicator who clubs a partner with rude words while breaking his or her bones and trust to boot.

Anger communicators lose at the game of teamwork or romantic love because of “bad communication.” An anger communicator issues extreme statements that are melodramatic and made to have the effect of backing you down from talking openly and honestly…especially about important feelings and decisions.

How so? Defensive talking by an anger communicator diverts attention away from talking about the real issues. An anger communicator’s tactics include sarcastic slams, threats, psychoanalytical critiques and guilt bombs, just to name a few. They’re all different ways of telling love and logic to take a hike.

“What can I do to communicate more effectively?”

You are asking the right question when you focus on cleaning up your side of the two-way talk street.

My new book, TALK TO ME, will show you how to talk effectively and constructively about anything to get good results–especially “emotionally sensitive” topics and issues. Excellent communicators can talk about anything without losing their cool most of the time.

Co-communicators or partners who can’t “talk about anything” without dropping guilt bombs on one another will suffer the fallout of shame. Namely, the couple won’t thrive and will risk ending their partnership or ending up in an expensive divorce that doesn’t teach anyone to get along better or talk more positively. And they still can’t talk effectively about feelings or problems that need solving such as the use or abuse of money!

Bad Talks Result in No Intimacy

Good talk isn’t cheap chatter…IT’s priceless!

Respect that “Empty chatter is cheap while good talk is expensive!” and you will drive far on the two-way communicator highway and not tire.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of TALK TO ME

Not interrupting conversations all the time

The following positive message is about “failures to communicate” in the workplace. What IF you could improve your communication skills and juice up your attitude in just four short minutes?