Posts in category: EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

There is a freedom that comes from being a “know-it-little.” It is the freedom to make a mistake, fix a mistake, change what isn’t working and do more of what works wonders to become the valedictorian of your own life class. Are you at the head of the class of first-class communicators? The “freedom to learn” is the “big dream” of the person who was born to do big things. The “need to be right” is the “little delusion” of the little person with a little closed mind playing Mr. or Ms. Big Shot.

PEOPLE WHO KNOW-IT-ALL DON’T KNOW ANYTHING AT ALL

People who know-it-all don’t know anything at all. Habit #3 of highly effective communicators is to “be a know-it-little” because it makes you “listen up” and be “open-minded” to learning new things. It helps you “receive creative solutions” to stale old problems that have flummoxed you for eons. Here’s my logic about why being consciously “ignorant” is freeing:

• If you always have to be right, you can’t ever be wrong.
• If you can’t be wrong, you can’t admit to making mistakes.
• If you can’t be curious about the mistakes you make, you can’t change anything.
• If you can’t change anything, your past mistakes are repeated and re-created in the present day.

Needing “to be right” instead of “get the results you’ve promised” gets you stuck in a going-nowhere life of worry, dread and dastardly deeds run amok.

COMMUNICATION FREEDOM OR COMMUNICATION DETOURS?

Producing results, whether negative or positive, is what traveling on the two-way communication highway is all about. “Communication freedom” comes from the freedom to admit when you’re lost, and stop to ask for directions. Here is why and how detours are mentally taken:

1. I’m not good at accepting responsibility for my mistakes.

2. My first reaction is that somebody else is to blame, not me.

3. Every time I do something wrong, it’s spun around into “I’m the victim here so it’s not my fault!”

4. The reality I never want to accept is that I made a bad decision and am stupid.

5. When I only look at the short term, I make poor decisions that produce frustrating results in the long term.

6. If there is a problem, it’s always your issue.

7. What YOU think is so, ain’t necessarily so.

8. Why penalize me? I’m not going to do it again.

9. Things always work out pretty good for me.

10. I get off on a tangent that’s not relevant.

11. I’m so busy I don’t have time for my relationships, because I need to decompress on the weekends.

12. I don’t allow others to make me feel bad for what I didn’t have any control over and couldn’t help.

13. I dread talking about it and getting down.

14. I don’t have to fix a problem that isn’t my fault.

15. If I dislike a person’s attitude, I don’t have to listen to him or her.

Now that’s a fine kettle of fish. With this type of “It’s not my fault” communication disorder, it’s a wonder that we ever talk at all about how to change what isn’t working. Well, perhaps we can now!

SO SAY IT LOUD AND PROUD … “I’M HAPPY TO BE A KNOW-IT-LITTLE!”

Be a know-it-little. Yup, you got that right. Feel free to be dumb, real dumb. No, don’t play dumb so you can’t be blamed for something that’s gone wrong. Freedom comes from knowing what you don’t know…and being willing to improve yourself a little each day to be a better you.

I COULDN’T HELP IT

“I couldn’t help it because…!” is an excuse. Life isn’t about right vs. wrong, it’s about producing results that are positive or negative for you and yours. When you know everything, you don’t have to be curious about the unknown, and find novel ways to fix problems.

SICK THINKING

Sick thinking: IF you tell me what I want to hear, I will reward me. IF you agree with me, I will like you. IF I act confident, I will be popular. IF you disagree with me, you should change my mind. IF I play it safe, I won’t get into trouble. IF I don’t have to ask for outside help, I don’t sound ignorant.

FREEDUMB: THE FREEDOM TO FEEL DUMB

The freedom to feel dumb without chastising yourself, or “freedumb” as I’ve humorously nicknamed it, is at the heart of the freedom to learn. The freedom to learn opens up positive possibilities of change. Do you feel free to be in the “learner’s role” in learning to drive your communicator car, or are you “the adult supervisor” who is a know-it-all?

ALWAYS BEING RIGHT IS THE WRONG WAY TO DRIVE ON THE TWO-WAY COMMUNICATOR HIGHWAY…A LITTLE MORE ABOUT DAYTON, OHIO, PSYCHOLOGIST AND AUTHOR DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a professional psychologist and keynote speaker who is a change-me-first advocate. O’Grady contends that doing MORE of what doesn’t work is hard-headed and uneducated. Instead, his advice is to “dream big” about changing what doesn’t make you happy. Your head loses when you bang it against a hard wall, so does his, that’s why Dr. O’Grady wrote “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” He had the “freedumb” to inquire why everyone seemed depressed about not being able to get their real message heard. As a doctoral-level psychologist with 30-plus years of experience, O’Grady is beginning to learn a little more about what good communication is all about. Join him. Take up your “communication freedom” to be dumb without feeling shamed-faced about getting a little better at the art of communication every day. Doing more of what doesn’t work–simply doesn’t work any more. Don’t be part of that popular group of people who know-it-all…but don’t know anything at all. Refuse to hold tight unto an anchor while complaining about drowning. Start doing your thinking for a change. Stop allowing others to write their messages in your mind. Become the leader of your own life.

Believe YOU, it’s true!

ABOUT KEYNOTE SPEAKER, BUSINESS CONSULTANT, RELATIONSHIP COACH, SEMINAR LEADER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady knows you will love what happens when you use the habits of highly effective communicators to have highly positive and productive relationships. His research has involved the two communicator types that talk to you from four typical places. Know who you’re talking to by type, and with a little practice, you will be talking more effectively to everyone you come into contact with. O’Grady’s book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” is available at his Web site and at Amazon. You no longer can afford being a poor communicator!

Imagine a conversation between a teen and a parent that goes as follows. Teen says: “Why do you always have to be right?” Parent responds: “I don’t always have to be right!” Teen: “Yes, you do…it has to be your way or the highway.” Parent: “No, I don’t…we can agree to disagree and not fight about it.” Teen: “But if I don’t tell you what you want to hear, you get all mad and stop talking to me.” Parent: “Shut up! That’s not true…let’s not talk about this anymore.” Teen: “So I should just shut up, eh?” Parent: “Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice.”

THE COMPASS OF GOOD COMMUNICATION

If you can’t ever be wrong, you can’t ever learn anything new that would prove VERY useful to your troubled relationships. The ability to stand back and self-reflect is a core communication skill, one that serves as a “compass of good communication.” It isn’t about “right vs. wrong,” as many mind-suckers and spirit-warpers would have you believe. It’s about what does and doesn’t work to promote peace and goodwill toward all communicators in the family. Tragically, if you can’t get along with yourself, you will have fights that are always “the fault” of everyone else.

TURN THE TIDE OF YOUR NEXT FIGHT FIASCO

Here are core beliefs that tough-minded I-type communicators use to feel right about being right. I recommend that all E-type communicators adopt these during intense relationship disputes when the heat is turned up and you know your instincts are true as true North.

1. I DON’T HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING

2. I’M NOT AFRAID OF CHANGE BECAUSE CHANGE IS MY MIDDLE NAME

3. PEOPLE WHO ALWAYS THINK THEY’RE IN THE RIGHT ARE WRONG

4. YOU CAN’T MAKE ME FEEL BAD UNLESS I THINK ABOUT IT

5. I DON’T HAVE TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT BEING IN THE WRONG

6. I DON’T NEED TO BE FORGIVING

7. I DON’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT

8. WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO GET ALONG WITH EVERYONE?

9. I DON’T HAVE TO BE NICE WHEN I’M SHOVED AROUND

10. I DON’T HAVE TO THINK WHATEVER I’M TOLD TO

Shucks, you don’t have to know everything.

THINK YOUR OWN THOUGHTS FOR A CHANGE TODAY

Here are a few effective ways to think about being “right” or being “wrong”:

• I don’t have to think what I’m told to
• I don’t have to be right when it costs me peace in my relationships
• If you can’t stand back and think about yourself–all you will end up thinking about is yourself
• The push to be right surely causes most conflicts

Why do you all-ways have to be right? Well, you don’t. You don’t have to have the last word to feel in control. Getting the last laugh isn’t very funny! Do step back, and take a good, long look at yourself. You don’t have to twist yourself into a human pretzel any longer.

PULLING OUT ALL THE EMOTIONAL CARDS: EMPATHIZERS VS. THE INSTIGATORS

Now about your talk type: Empathizer-type communicators (E-types) go along to get along and doubt if they’re in the right. Instigator-type communicators (I-types) don’t go along to get along and rarely doubt if they’re in the wrong. An Achilles Heel of Empathizers is that they feel they must get along with everyone all the time, no matter how unreasonable everyone is being at the time. On the other hand, Instigators may not bend when doing so opens new doors and windows of change.

IF YOU HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING, YOU CAN’T LEARN ANYTHING

Check out my reasoning why you have every reason to relax and enjoy not needing to be a “know-it-all” and a “do-it-little”:

• If you have to know everything, you can’t ever be wrong.
• If you can’t ever be wrong, you can’t ever learn anything new.
• If you can’t learn anything new, you can’t change.
• If you can’t change, you can let go of what isn’t working, and grab hold of what works better.
• If you can’t solve problems, then your problems keep repeating over and over again while you criticize yourself for not getting past the past.

This logic is killin’ me!

YOU DON’T HAVE TO GET ALONG WITH EVERYONE ALL THE TIME

Being right or wrong isn’t what life is about. Life is about being able to take an honest look at yourself, improve your weaknesses, and hone your strengths as you come on home. DO admit to being wrong…it won’t kill you. In fact, it will show you have faith and confidence in the forces of life that keep us growing and changing in spite of all the odds against us.

ABOUT PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST AND SPEAKER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis O’Grady is a professional keynote speaker and psychologist and author of three books, the latest which is “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady believes that if you are an I-type, you can argue until you get your way which will waylay many of your most valuable relationships. In contrast, if you are an E-type, you may be so afraid of conflict that you don’t stick to a good point long enough to get your way. Believe what you want, but communicator differences DO make a whale of a difference in the way you live, learn and love. Do you know your type and what type of talk your type prefers? And why do we fear the unknown so much? Why do we all fear not knowing the answer…of not knowing what next will come to pass…of not knowing what next response will keep us in the seat of control? It’s just a human being thing!

Communication isn’t magic or luck. It’s part of a skill package comprising lessons from the school of hard knocks and hard work. “Words that work wonders” describes a masterful communicator, while “Words that work to bring your mood for good works crashing down” could describe the manure sandwiches a crappy communicator feeds you. For better or worse, it all boils down to communication.

7 COMMUNICATION HABITS THAT BRING YOU UP…AND MAKE YOU A POSITIVE PERSON OR AN “UP” TO BE AROUND

When doing positive and effective communication workshops using the “Talk to Me” tools, I challenge myself to “keep it simple” and boil communication down into its basic foundations. Here are the seven habits of the highly evolved communicator:

HABIT #1: WORRY LESS. You understand that feelings communicate, so your job is to work with your feelings in healing not hurtful ways.

A Communication Mistake: You worry too much and your worry disrupts clear communication in your “keep your talk tight” relationships.

HABIT #2: PEACE FREAK. You understand that the harder you try to control the behinder you get, so you stop pushing yourself or others off a cliff.

A Communication Mistake: You turn into a control freak, one who freaks out when you aren’t in control of everything.

HABIT #3: KNOW-IT-LITTLE. You understand that traveling in unknown regions of change is a communication trip you won’t soon forget, a trip that begins confidently with the words “I don’t know but I’d like to find out and learn a thing or three!”

A Communication Mistake: You are a know-it-all who is blissfully blind to your own dangerous ignorance.

HABIT #4: OPEN-MINDED LISTENING. You understand that listening to the viewpoints of others enriches you and the relationship, so you listen with” three ears” to the message and the messenger.

A Communication Mistake: You “listen with half an ear” or with a closed mind to the speaker, ready only to launch your next “talk over” them argument.

HABIT #5: NO ONE IS TO BLAME. You understand that blaming yourself, or blaming anyone, chains your legs while expecting you to swim across an Olympic-size pool. Problem-solving “win-win” solutions occurs when the problem is at fault instead of the person.

A Communication Mistake: You claim that you don’t have any resentment luggage or junk in your trunk, although you do have a few big carry-on bags that interfere with interpersonal closeness.

HABIT #6: FIX PROBLEMS, NOT PEOPLE. You understand that if people don’t want to change, you can’t and shouldn’t be trying so hard to fix them.

A Communication Mistake: Victim talkers expect compensation for hurts that happen in life on a fairly routine basis. Victors instead say, “I may be broken-hearted but I am not broken.”

HABIT #7: GETTING BETTER ALL THE TIME. You understand that to “keep communication simple,” you must first pay attention to your positive vs. negative attitude of what you feel, think, do and say.

A Communication Mistake: Failing to learn something new about good communication moves on a daily basis.

FOGGY COMMUNICATION

Many spoken sentences are like fog that makes driving on the two-way communicator highway very dicey. “Head spinning” is the feeling you get in your heart-mind of confusion. Head spinning makes you want to pull off the talk highway and stop heading toward your next change destination. Instead, slow down a little to account for the fog and turn on your fog lights to keep driving in the direction of your dreams.

ABOUT KEYNOTE SPEAKER, BUSINESS CONSULTANT, RELATIONSHIP COACH, SEMINAR LEADER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady knows you will love what happens when you use the habits of highly effective communicators to have highly positive and productive relationships. His research has involved the two communicator types that talk to you from four talk lanes. First things first: Know who you’re talking to by type, and with a little practice, you will be talking more effectively to everyone you come into contact with. O’Grady’s book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” is available at his Web site and at Amazon. You no longer can afford the heavy price tag of being a poor communicator!

What’s so funny about peace, love and understanding your communication habits? During my communication training seminars and workshops, one of my jobs is to ask my audience a focused question to get important feedback about what hits home and what doesn’t. When I ask a “directive question,” I do my best to listen open-mindedly. I don’t play to platitudes or grind a grudge ax against the opposite sex, or anyone. It’s amazing how open people generally are to helping a genuine psychologist.

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT THE WORLD?

What one thing would you change about the world if you had the power and control to do so? C’mon now, dream big! Would you bring peace to Planet Earth, seek better schools, world-wide prosperity, religious tolerance, better bosses, cheaper gas, freedom from prejudice, less advertising on T.V. or what? Here are the results to the “If I could change one thing about our world….” question:

1. PEACE ……………. 37.93%

2. COMMUNICATE BETTER …………. 31.03%

3. SHOW MORE UNDERSTANDING TO EVERYONE …………. 13.79%

4. ELIMINATE GOSSIP ………. 10.34%

5. PROSPERITY ……… 6.90%

Do you listen tuned in to what you’re going to say next? It doesn’t have to be that way.

PEACE OF MIND AND PEACE OF COMMUNITY COME FROM BETTER COMMUNICATION THAT DOESN’T DISCOUNT OR MAKE ANYONE FEEL INVISIBLE AND UNWORTHY

Once again, money doesn’t lead the parade of human happiness. Never has, never will. True, you enjoy money and what it can bring, but you know judging a man by the size of his wallet, well, it’s still judging. Lo and behold, no surprise here: You and I and WE long for peace in our personal relationships, a peace that extends out from each family and goes outward extending into our world. Disruption, distraction, hard feelings, hurt egos and war stems from missed communication opportunities. If we can’t talk…at least wars and fights and backbiting keep us in touch.

ARE YOU WILLING TO PUT YOUR MOUTH WHERE YOUR MONEY IS?

Test yourself here to find out if you are putting energy into “communicating better to add peace and understanding to me and my relationships.”

1. I listen carefully to what someone else is saying to me, especially when I feel anxious about what is being said.

2. I apologize when I “talk over” anyone, especially children or elders or co-workers, to push my point down a closed throat.

3. I understand that relationship conflicts suggest that there is an “inner conflict” within me that I need to talk about.

4. I read or listen to information that helps me become a more positive and effective communicator every day of the week.

5. I move past a bad mood by improving myself in little ways that create large dividends.

6. I work with my communicator type, and know why I am an Empathizer-type or Instigator-type communicator.

7. I don’t blame myself for what others refuse to work on or change.

8. I am in my life…I am in the driver’s seat of my life…I am the leader of my own life…I use my emotions as energy to go where I desire to.

9. I don’t stay stuck in unproductive fights and relationship patterns or co-dependencies that drain my energy and battery dry.

ONE OF THE BIGGEST CAUSES OF MISCOMMUNICATION

If you know everything, there’s nothing to learn. Comprende, compadre?
Being a “know-it-little” is a far sight better than being a “know-it-all”, y’all. As a communications expert and family relationship psychologist, I’ve found the best answer is often a good question to which you don’t know the answer. In fact, one of the biggest causes of miscommunication that you and I face today is not being able to say “I don’t know.” For example, you will listen more carefully and more open-mindedly to a speaker when “I don’t know what the answer is but I’d like to find out” is your creative mindset.

SO YOU WANT PEACE, LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING?

If you want good communication, then you must first be a good communicator. If you want to be listened to, then first you must listen to your own confident inner wisdom that you don’t have to know everything. If you want understanding, then you must stop playing the blame game when you’re ticked off. If you desire closeness, then you must be a trustworthy person who keeps your word when you don’t much feel like it.

FIRST THINGS FIRST

So first things first. Meaning what? Meaning the first order of business today is for YOU to be a good communicator. To first communicate accurately to yourself. To second communicate positively with yourself. Third, to communicate your special message to a world that needs your “peace of your mind” instead of another piece of your mind. After all, your peace of mind is a terrible thing to misplace.

ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY WHO IS A PROFESSIONAL SPEAKER, COMMUNICATIONS COACH, SEMINAR LEADER, COUPLE COUNSELOR AND AUTHOR OF THREE SELF-IMPROVEMENT BOOKS

Dr. Dennis O’Grady believes that people like YOU are pretty sharp and have a lot on the ball. Namely, intelligent people who are open-minded individuals and who are seeking to know instead of seeking to be right even when wrong. O’Grady is a father to three interesting and inspiring daughters, a husband, and a loving son to his elder mother Elizabeth Merrill O’Grady. Dr. O’Grady is a banquet keynote speaker, and inventer of the powerful new talk system called “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” The book is dedicated to his mother.

Aarggh! Lock me up and throw away the key the next time I hear someone screech like an owl in my dear little ear: “Do ya’ know what I’m sayin’?” Why on earth should I understand or know what you’re saying if YOU don’t know what you’re thinking, feeling or saying? But as a gifted psychologist, of course, and truthfully, typically I DO know what emotions the speaker is struggling to describe.

IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO GOOD COMMUNICATION MOVES

I’m sure you’re right! It all boils down to good communication moves, as I explain and freely teach you some smooth new talk moves in my latest book, “Talk to Me.” How well do you feel these one-liners point your communicator car in the right direction vs. ready you for a good laugh at YOU:

• Do ya’ know what I’m sayin’?

• Do ya’ agree with me, or what?

• Do ya’ hear what I’m tellin’ ya’?

• Do you know what I mean?

• You know what I’m talkin’ about?

• See what I mean?

• You’ve got to agree with me that I’m right, right?

• It’s like…you know?

• Do you see what I’m saying?

• Do you know where I’m at here?

• Yeah, um, huh, do you know what I’m saying about all of that?

• I don’t understand why everyone just can’t get along, ya’ know?

• Things have to be his or her way or not at all, get my drift?!

• Do you know what I’m talkin’ about?

LET ME MAKE IT PERFECTLY CLEAR TO YOU WHAT I’M SAYING

Are you fogging up the windshield of your mind with a bunch of jive talking? I’m tryin’ to talk to you here, dear reader, do ya’ know what I’m talkin’ about? Let me make it perfectly clear: “Know what I’m saying?” people fill my ears with the same noxious noises, as if someone’s fingernails were scratching across a chalk board. I can’t be responsible for my reactions, do ya’ know what I mean?

THE EMOTIONS TALKING MODE

No, it’s not easy to openly describe your emotions unashamedly and vulnerably to anyone. So we use “talk fillers” to help us fill in the “communication blanks.” I can’t help having a little more fun with this head-nodding notion: “I’m checkin’ in to see if you’re freakin’ out about me flippin’ out about the intensity of my feelings which makes no logical sense whatsoever but I swear on my mother’s grave that that’s exactly what I’m feeling and saying today.” Whew…your emotions sure DO communicate when you drive in the Emotions (E) talk mode.

ABOUT KEYNOTE SPEAKER, PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST AND EXECUTIVE COMMUNICATION COACH AND “TALK TO ME” SEMINAR LEADER…DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Do ya’ know what I’m sayin’? I’m doin’ pretty great, do ya’ know what I mean? Dr. Dennis O’Grady is still practicing communication psychology after 30+ years of being entertained and enlightened by all sorts of communication detours and puzzles. The leadership commuication insights he’s gleaned from being a human being, and also a doctoral-level trained and licensed psychologist, are found in his latest book: “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” available at this site and at Amazon. Do ya’ know what I’m sayin’? Do ya’ know where I’m coming from here? O’Grady is licensed to drive on the two-way communicator highway, and prefers to turn the radio station off when it blares out mixed messages that miss their mark. Get what I’m talkin’ about here?