Posts in category: LEADERSHIP DEVELOPMENT

Shy people: Hey, my shy friends out there…do you think too much? For instance, are you self-described “shy people” really rude…stuck up…both quiet and uptight…or neither, for gosh sakes? And why do shy guys and gals, kids or teens or adults…think of themselves as SO unapproachable sometimes? Well, I thought I’d air out my brain and ask my Web page readers what YOU thought about social shyness…is it a mark of quiet genius or standoffish low self-esteem?

Here are the results of my New Insights Communication poll — results I hope will make you both curious and challenged:

SHY PEOPLE ARE…

1. SHY PEOPLE ARE STUCK UP…ZERO…that’s 0%.

2. SHY PEOPLE ARE INTROVERTS…84.21%

3. SHY PEOPLE ARE UNAPPROACH-ABLE…15.79%

DISCUSSION: PRIVATE SHYNESS VS. PUBLIC SHYNESS

Studies about shyness indicate there’s a distinction between privately shy and people who act shy only in public settings. Johnny Carson, the Tonight Show host, was publicly an extreme extrovert but socially very introverted. Carol Burnett, the comedienne, was the same way…outgoing on the stage and close only with a few close friends behind the scenes. Many of my clients are not shy but they are “introverts” who prefer to re-charge their batteries with a few close friends or time alone in solitary reflection or mediation.

INTROVERSION VS. EXTROVERSION AND COMMUNICATOR STYLE

Which brings me to the notion of “introvert” vs. “extrovert” personality…that well-researched personality spectrum that Carl Jung first introduced to our “collective unconscious”…and the Myers-Briggs group has used so successfully since Jung’s 1923 publication of “Psychological Types.”

Readers know the facts: “Shyness” is really “introversion” or an “in-going person” and that’s all that’s about, nothing more and nothing less. Why judge people who aren’t enthusiastically outgoing as “less than” or “less desirable” or “less able to climb the business ladder of success or close an important sale?” As the book by Dr. Marti Olsen Laney called “The Introvert Advantage” describes, shy people are deep observers of unspoken communication and human behavior experts, good at solving people problems and thinking about emotional and relational intricacies. I also call a bunch of these types of folks Empathizer communicators. Their opposite talk type I call Instigator communicators.

ARE SHY PEOPLE NEGATIVE THINKERS AND TALKERS?

Lastly, what I found fascinating about this poll is the “accurate belief” that falls in sharp contrast to the “negative thoughts” of the shy person…generally speaking, people DO NOT really judge introverts or the shy child or adult person as being “stuck up,” “standoffish,” “better than others,” “won’t give you the time of day,” “just too preoccupied to talk”…and so on. Isn’t that some pretty great news? Thus, is it the shy youth or adult person him- or herself who judges the SELF too harshly? I bet so. Which leads me to wonder: Are shy people better self-criticizers than the rest of us? And are these introverts really “seeing things,” and “using their strengths,” in accurate and useful ways? Whichever way you go, shy people are hugely capable of change in their attitudes and their social behaviors.

LOVE ‘EM OR HATE ‘EM

Love ‘em or hate ‘em, we’re increasingly relying upon “polls” to help us know what’s goin’ on. Being a wise guy or gal, I bet you don’t swallow everything that Negatalkers in the media choose to report on vs. overlook. Shyness is one of those “recycled” stories, the tone of these articles imply that “shy people are stuck up.” Well, before you point the finger of blame….do you describe yourself as a “shy person” who “can’t” be more outgoing? In my book “Talk to Me,” I show you how and why shy people can be as outgoing as extroverts while simultaneously enjoying their naturally “ingoing” styles.

GIFTS OF THE SHY PERSON

So, my dear clients and readers who are self-described “shy people”…you who tell me you constantly worry, fret and fidget because you are socially perceived to be “stuck up, rude or hard to read.” Maybe we need to think more positively, and support more rigorously, the GIFTS OF THE SHY. For example, if you are introverted…why not start thinking of yourself as “generous, including of others, easy to read…and even easier to talk to in authentic ways?”

IF THE SHOE OF SHYNESS DOESN’T FIT

The word “shy,” after all, is just a label. And if the label doesn’t fit…why wear it.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the designer of the new communication system found in his book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone,” which is available in the resource store at the Web site www.drogrady.com. Previous New Insights Communication Polls have included “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?” Read more about these challenging, growth producing topics, and other topics of personal and relationship interest here four minutes every day of the week to make change happen fast.

What do Bill Gates, Ben Franklin, The Wright Brothers, Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung, Coach John Wooden and Henry Ford all have in common? All of these cultural icons and change heroes are “inventors” who are Instigator-type communicators, one of two communication types defined in my book called TALK TO ME. They all have “instigated” and worked hard to promote great leaps forward in our way of life, business customs and ways of talking to one another. So what are these two new “communicator types”…and which type are you and yours?

THE TWO NEW COMMUNICATOR TYPES

The two new “communicator types” that I’ve extensively studied and researched are called “Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators” and “Instigator-type (I-type) communicators.” Neither communicator type is better of worse, just different. However, both E-type and I-type communicators use the four communicator modes (Emotions, Beliefs, Behaviors, Talks) in a completely different fashion. Knowing that difference will make all the difference in your world of talk.

For some fun I’ve begun to “typecast” famous people, living here or in heaven above. In my own field of communications psychology and psychotherapy, there were no bigger THINKERS and DOERS than Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, intellectual pals who had a falling out. Change happens! Anyway, both Freud and Jung are Instigator-type introverts in my typecasting system.

Media stories focusing on interpersonal communication issues often imply that women are far better and more effective communicators. The assumption is that women are more savvy at relationships and have some kind of secret communication prowess.  But is this true for people who walk down the streets called Real Relationships?  Moreover, is the assumption that women are better communicators slanted simply because many of the articles are written by women (perhaps with an ax to grind) or men who must tow the party line?  This survey suggests that many of us are working on becoming better communicators, and feel frustrated when we fail to communicate…no matter our gender bias.

More to the point, if you were given only three choices, which gender (if any) would you say is a better communicator?  What do “normal” people like you and me, people who work for a living and raise kids in a brave new techno-world, really think about who’s doing a better job at positive communication?

In a weekly New Insights Communication reader poll at www.drogrady.com, intelligent people like you and me gave these real-life answers to the very real question, “Are men or women better communicators?”

1.  WOMEN ARE BETTER COMMUNICATORS:  41.18%

2.  MEN ARE BETTER COMMUNICATORS:  29.41%

3.  BOTH ARE THE SAME:  29.41%

DISCUSSION: Well, I was surprised and my scientific spirit soared when I reviewed these results.  I thought women would wipe us men off the map with the often-perceived superior skills of communication.  But almost a third of responders said both genders are about equally good at the act of talking!  That might mean that we all have a thing or three to learn about becoming more open, effective, productive and positive communicators!  Or it might mean that we voted with our genetic code, since I don’t have a list of voters-to-votes-cast by gender.  No worries, mate!  You will find “PosiTalker” communication tools and tips on this Web page to spruce up your “good” communication skills and make them better…and even to become a great communicator today!

Thanks to all you intelligent readers who took time to honestly register your vote on my site.  My CommTools are designed to serve as a beacon of light in a world that is sometimes dark and devoid of laughter.  Vote next week, please!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady originally did newspaper reader surveys in conjunction with the Dayton Daily News.  Dennis is the author of TALK TO ME:  Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.  You can download a free copy of chapter one and much more neat stuff at his site www.drogrady.com.

All of us are frustrated by something or someone…including ourselves…at least a few minutes of each day.  But how much of your daily aggravation and irritation is caused by forces you CAN CONTROL vs. forces you CAN’T CONTROL?  To be more specific, if you only had these three choices, how much of your aggravation today is caused by miscommunication, stress you can’t control, or stupid people?

In the first New Insights reader poll taken weekly at www.drogrady.com, intelligent people like you and me, when asked “What causes your frustration?”…gave these real-life answers.

1.  MISCOMMUNICATION:  34.78%

2.  STRESS YOU CAN’T CONTROL:  47.83%

3.  STUPID PEOPLE:  17.39%

DISCUSSION: I surmise from the results that stress factors beyond our control rate highest on the frustration meter and put us in a maximum discomfort zone. These are situations that we must endure but have little power to change at the present time (or so we assume). Psychologically, the true purpose of frustration is to give you the energy and motivation to affect a situation and create needed changes to make your life road smoother.  Thus, if a situation is truly beyond your control, you need to use self-talk tools that acknowledge this reality without getting stuck in the muck of miscommunication. You need to quit spinning your wheels until smoke is coming from underneath your car and out of your ears!  No worries, mate!  You will find “Inner-personal” communication tools and tips on this web page to do just that!

Thanks to all you intelligent readers who took time to honestly register your vote on my site.  My CommTools are designed to serve as a beacon of light in a world that is sometimes dark and devoid of laughter.  Vote next week, please!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady originally did newspaper reader surveys in conjunction with the Dayton Daily News.  Dennis is the author of TALK TO ME:  Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.  You can download a free copy of chapter one and much more neat stuff at his site.

One of my clients who has good communication skills, and an extroverted and highly charismatic personality, told me recently: “I even can make a pig talk!” I’ve seen this professional saleswoman in action, and make no mistake about it, she talks to animals and humans alike, and they all talk back super-enthusiastically to her. Talk about being APPROACH-ABLE. Whew-ee.

Do you let your charisma flow and your confidence show? You were born to win, too, but are you able to make people stop in their tracks and take notice of you? To be seen and heard, you must send the disarming message, “I’m approachable!” Put differently, send out the message you would like to receive from others, without any expectation of receiving anything back in return for the best fishing.

You were born to communicate, weren’t you? All you need is an approachable attitude, quiet confidence, good communication skills, a bit of organization and a dash of charisma. Now don’t tell me you play down your communication skills by self-labeling yourself as “shy?!” After all, “shy” people aren’t shy around people they like, trust and know to be honestly emotionally expressive. Anyway, here are effective ways to send the message to, “Talk to Me….Today:”

• A BIG, open smile is a welcome mat to good talk
  
• Sparkling eyes that dance and give energy away
• A “giver” attitude, not a “taker” or “DOFORME” diatribe
  
• Good eye contact…solid and serene
  
• RELAX…breathe…we’re all scared out of our wits and pretending not to be
• Don’t stare off into space, for crying out loud, by multi-tasking
• Let your mind empty…do you know how to listen with “three ears”
• Shake hands like you know no strangers…only people who are waiting to become your new friends
• Ask good questions…LISTEN as if you are able to walk in their moccasins
  
• Ask another good question to the answer you just received…be “multi-asking”
  
• Make a warm-hearted joke or jest that pokes fun at yourself
• Remember that good questions are more important than one-up, witty, repartee
• If you are one-upping or debating…stop IT before you lose a new friend
  
• Enjoy yourself…you’re not shy!

It’s not so hard to send out the positive vibes message that, “I like to talk to people…and that especially includes you. There’s no rush because I have all the time in the world to talk to you.” Let your charisma flow and your confidence show. Send the message to everyone you come into contact with that, “You’re very important to me. I will show you how important to me you are by listening intently and closely to you.”

There’s nothing to hide. You’re a winner. No one said you have to be perfect…just be the one-and-only “I’m good enough” you, that you were born to be. The world needs unique people who aren’t too afraid to be who they are. After all, you CAN seize the moment with the positive inner-skull talk, “I like who I am!”

One of my favorite books on overcoming shyness (Johnny Carson of The Tonight Show was ‘publicly shy’), is called “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. It is chocked full of good communication tips for teenagers and adults, alike. Why can’t you make a pig talk, too? Eddie Murphy could talk to all sorts of animals in the movie, “Dr. DooLittle.” You can talk to anyone, too, including people who are too shy for their own good.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady taught “Overcoming Shyness” (using Dr. Philip Zimbardo’s research and book) and “Career Education” classes at Miami University of Ohio, and “Assertiveness Training” (using Dr. Bob Alberti’s and Dr. Emmons book “Your Perfect Right“) at Muskegon Community College in Muskegon, Michigan. His new and tested interpersonal communication theory, distinguishes Empathizers and Instigators communicator types from extroverted and introverted personality types to make change happen faster. One benefit of his training is that you will be able to talk to anyone…including your pets at home.