Posts in category: LEADERSHIP DEVELOPMENT

Problem Solving Made Simple by Using Effective Communication Skills

Do you flow with stress events or does your canoe get capsized, making you as mad as a wet hen and a drenched human? Do you feel as if you’re drowning in a pity party whose constant refrain is “Why does this always happen to me?!”

How you frame a problem IS often the solution. And here’s the point of change: Making people the problem is useless…but making the situation the problem is useful.

Blaming isn’t brainstorming. Pointing fingers of blame takes your eye off the prize. Ready now to canoe down a river of change with your life partners to make a difference today?

Let’s use a metaphor of paddling a canoe to highlight effective vs. ineffective problem solving and talking. (See my earlier entry “Why Teamwork isn’t Working”) Imagine you and your team are straining to paddle down a rain-filled river. Here’s what to do for a change:

1. Paddle calmly in the right direction.
2. Paddle any way you can that effectively works.
3. Paddle together in a positive mood.
4. Paddle easier when times are tough.
5. Paddle while talking honestly and openly.
6. Paddle while playing “the change game.”
7. Paddle and give plenty of positive encouragers to everyone.
   
8. Paddle and listen attentively to others.
9. Paddle and focus on solving the problems of today.
10. Paddle as a team instead of quibble and quarrel.
    

This same teamwork approach works very well in partnered couples, marriages and extended family situations where blame outruns common sense.

There are natural-born problem solvers and natural-born problem causers. Effective problem solvers first ask, “What is IT that’s the problem?” Once one set of problems are solved…you go on to the next set of problems to solve. Adjusting to problems isn’t the point here…adjusting your strategies to solve problems is the point.

Communicating Problem Solving

Essentially, “You make me frustrated!” turned inside out becomes: “What needs to happen differently here (change) so both you and I can feel satisfied?” Here’s how communicating problem solving sounds in practice:

1. “What is the goal here…what are we trying to achieve?” Without a goal there’s no target to aim at. It’s necessary to put in black-and-white what needs to happen to make progress toward the end result.
2. “What would work better now to make a win-win for all?” Focusing on what isn’t working won’t fix what isn’t working. What do you think would work better from here? Disallow yourself from shooting down ideas from the creative mind.
3. “SO who’s going to do what by when?” Without a task list or “to do” list, you risk getting unfocused on easy steps that might result in huge successes. Get verbal agreement from all parties by summarizing the what/who task list…otherwise, you’ll have a listless talk list (no pun intended!)
4. “How do we measure the results?” Accurate feedback, both negative and positive, is necessary to know exactly what is happening in reality versus what you wish would happen. This stage is frequently skipped, much to everyone’s chagrin.
5. “How will we keep what is working and discard what isn’t working?” Trying different tools is what changing is all about. Don’t become attached to favorite tools. Be prepared to be surprised…for the serendipity of change. Keep what is working…discard what isn’t working…devise new tools to use and evaluate.

It’s NOT what hasn’t happened BUT what needs to happen that will make your day.

It’s far easier to solve problems using effective communication tools that you might think! All you have to do is keep your energy on what IS working instead of what ISN’T working.

Why not put into today what you might put off tomorrow?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a relationship coach and interpersonal communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone

Change has a bad reputation in our society. But it isn’t all bad-not by any means. In fact, change is necessary in life-to keep us moving…to keep us interested…to keep us growing.

Imagine life without change. It would be static…boring…and dull. When people feel stuck and frustrated, it is often their fear of change that is causing the problem.

When that fear is too strong-as it is in the workplace today-people are afraid to change. That is because they are under great stress and feel out of control.

Everyone has a hero. One of mine is Sigmund Freud, who instigated illuminating changes during the dark times of the Nazi regime. Happy 150th Birthday, Sigmund. You’ve helped more people and cultures than you ever personally met. Man, you’ve got brains and guts!

OH, WHAT CHANGES FREUD INSTIGATED

Many concepts you and I take for granted and use every day were developed by Freud and his followers, such as:

1. Counseling and psychotherapy
2. The driving force of the “unconscious”
3. Interpreting your dreams when you get up in the morning
4. The idea that children have feelings and are important people, too
5. Multiple voices (id, ego, superego) are alive and well in your head
6. Defense mechanisms, such as, “I’m afraid of hurting your feelings!”
7. The mortido drive…or why we do such stupid things now and then

Freud was a very gifted and prolific writer and thinker. Technologically akin to the development of airplane travel, Freud helped us all safely fly to unknown regions of the unconscious and subconscious inner minds.INVENTORS: GREAT COMMUNICATORS WHO INVENT NEW IDEAS TO HELP THE WORLD ACCOMPLISH GREAT FEATS OF CHANGE

Was Freud and extrovert or an introvert? I’m sure…Freud was an Instigator-type communicator who was an introvert. In my communication system, both Freud and Jung were Instigator-type introverts or ITI’s. Nickname: INVENTORS. They are among good company. Bill Gates, Ben Franklin and The Wright Brother’s are just a few famous ITI’s.

ARE YOU MORE-INGOING AND INTROVERTED…OR MORE-OUTGOING AND EXTROVERTED?

Your communicator type is an Empathizer-type communicator or an Instigator-type communicator. Your personality type is either an introvert or extrovert…you know best. Did you know that Freud’s close ally and buddy Carl Jung developed the ideas of more-ingoing (introverted) or more-outgoing (extroverted) to try and better understand his “ambivalent” and very productive relationship with Freud? There was a huge clash of these genius titans and ultimately a very painful falling out. In fact, the Myers-Briggs personality testing movement, the most popular measurement of understanding your personality today, grew out of this undertaking.

GREAT MEN AND WOMEN HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR AND CAN BE TEASED

The basic writings of Sigmund Freud are a treasure-trove filling shelves upon shelves. I know many jokes are told about Sigmund Freud…just goes to show he’s still got us thinking and reeling after 150 years. I won’t soon forget the cartoon I saw that described “a Freudian slip” (slip of the tongue) with an image of my hero Sigmund Freud prancing around in a lady’s slip…

BRAIN ENVY

…Oh, my now. That’s SO hostile. Just goes to show some have “brain envy” of that remarkable Jewish man and scholar.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a keynote speaker on positive and effective communication, Transactional Analyst and communications psychologist who is a mentee and admirer of the life-changing work of Sigmund Freud. O’Grady’s third book is “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” He is a husband and father of three daughters, and resides in the hometown of flight, Dayton, Ohio.

IS IT TEAMWORK OR MEWORK?

This makes sense to anyone who works in a place where the company mission statement says “teamwork” but the reality is the same old “me, me, me” and backbiting that most of us are familiar with.

Who’s paddling your canoe? Are you part of teamwork or mework? Imagine you and your team are straining to paddle down a rain-filled river. Here’s what NOT to do for a change:

1. Just paddle. Just paddling won’t work because you might be paddling in the wrong direction.

2. Just paddle the way you’ve always paddled. If you and your team are paddling in different directions, you will go round and round in circles and feel exasperated.

3. Just be positive and all paddle together and you’ll get there. True, you will get “somewhere” but the “where” you get to may not be the “there” you need to go.

4. Just paddle harder when times are tough. When what you’re doing to resolve a problem isn’t working and your solution is to paddle harder and harder and HARDER, then what you’re doing isn’t working…and you risk exhausting yourself. Doing more of what isn’t working still won’t work.

5. Just talk bombastically. Talking optimistically with great enthusiasm about why results are just around the next bend is knuckleheaded flamboyancy and unreal extremism. Heady inspiration that lacks perspiration is perfectionism mixed with procrastination. Cheap talk spurns measuring “good enough” results.

6. Just sink into debating the “right” and “wrong” ways to paddle. Heated debating is the typical diversion to avoid the change game of doing something different. In other words, talking high and mightily about the fine art and brainy theory of paddling isn’t the same as doing effective paddling.

7. Just badmouth your partner for being a “difficult paddler.” When you blame a fellow communicator for your mutual problems, then your partner will put down his/her paddle, lay it across the canoe and begin to argue and debate back with you…and nothing new will happen. And hey! Watch out for that tree limb that will knock you out of the canoe!

8. Just interrupt by talking over a listener or louder and louder. Are you defensively proclaiming “It’s not my fault?!” WHO may or may not be at fault diverts attention away from WHAT needs to happen differently NOW. You may be a legend in your own mind of canoeing, but talk is cheap, and talking big when you feel small creates problems instead of solving them.

9. Just talk about past losses or glories that don’t help deal with the challenges of today. Getting past the past is easier than you think when you solve the problems of today and break the chain of past painful patterns. Resenting what is lacking now (fear of loss) won’t help anyone get anywhere fast today.

10. Just shout out your orders to control your emotions. Your emotions won’t kill you, will they? The solution to painful emotions is NOT to force your way and override the will of others to feel a false sense of security. NOT listening, constant interrupting, stern or moralistic lecturing, blaming and shaming, guilt bombing, threatening or intimidating others simply won’t work. Have you noticed this to be true?

You can only change yourself. Trying to “fix” a team member will “break” your spirits and, and frankly, there’ll always been something else about that person to fix. Arguing that, “You are the problem and IF you change our mutual problems will be solved!” is a can of nuts.

“YOU should change because I say so to make everyone happy!” will make a lazy team of paddlers and simply won’t work.

That’s why even old, stubborn dogs can learn more than a few new tricks when the masterful YOU is patient!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a speaker and communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone and Taking the Fear out of Changing at www.drogrady.com