Posts in category: MANAGE MOOD

“You need to be more forgiving!” can be a type of communication manipulation meant to make you “just say yes” when you want to “say no” to unfair demands put upon you or poor relationship treatment you’ve received. Similar points that others often use to guilt-trip you to commit to things you don’t want to include: “Why can’t you get past it?” Or, “Hey, I said I was sorry already…so what more do you want me to do?” Or, “You’ll make yourself sick with this!”

WE’RE FAMILY AND WE’RE ONLY TRYING TO HELP YOU

These clever mind benders are often used in close relationships and family circles. The unspoken message of “Why can’t you be more forgiving?” is that you shouldn’t be angry and that you have no right to your feelings. A good comeback: “So, what’s your point? I don’t need to be more forgiving!”

HOLDING UNTO A BAG OF ANGER WILL MAKE YOU SPIRITUALLY AND PHYSICALLY SICK?

When feelings are aroused, people tend to point fingers. For example, a common argument is that spiritual people (like you) are held to a higher standard of forgiveness…the Bible tells us so. So, implied in the message is that you must forgive whatever repeated wrong is done to you. Nonsense! Another negative view: “You’ve got to forgive or you won’t be able to move ahead and you might get physically sick.” One more guilt trip: The golden rule vs. the rusty rule of revenge requires you to smile lovingly in the spitting face of hate and turn your cheek meekly. Is your sworn duty to be the first to forgive? Not when being for-giving means you are for-taking or being taken advantage of and manipulated in painfully patterned ways.

YOU’RE ONLY HUMAN…“YOU NEED TO BE MORE FORGIVING!” CAN BE SUBTLE MANIPULATION AND HEAD SPINNING

The wickedest type of hate is the smiling face on the person who will stab you in the back before you have a chance to turn around. But being hurt doesn’t stop you from going out on the limb to be a positive person and effective communicator. SO how can you think straight when your mind is foggy with fuzzy logic and debate points that sound…well, logical?

1. I FEEL STUPID…I FEEL LIKE A VICTIM…LIKE I’VE BEEN DUPED. Perhaps you are a victim for the minute, or perhaps you just feel like a victim, or both. Either way, the point is WHAT are you going to do about it now?

2. I’M JUST SO-O ANGRY. Perhaps a positive purpose of feeling angry is to feel less powerless and trapped, with your back against the wall. Why not be genuinely angry at your situation, the control freak, the world of hate, the unfairness of it all? So, what’s your point? What is your positive anger calling you to do to put a painful past behind you?

3. I HAD TO SWEEP MY FEELINGS UNDER THE RUG. Perhaps you could have confronted the problem sooner instead of putting a clothes pin in your nose when the elephant in the room really stunk up your mental home. So, what’s your point? Now is a safe time to look at the elephant before you bump into it or trip on it and break your neck.

4. IT MUST BE MY FAULT. Oh really now? Sure, you find yourself not sleeping well…not going around people as much…not opening up and reaching out as often…avoiding risking the doing of new things that are good for you…and alas you’ve lost trust in yourself…and yeah, so you are resisting doing what works to create positive change. So, what’s your point? It doesn’t matter who’s at fault but what are you going to do differently NOW when what you’re doing isn’t working.

5. BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I ain’t buyin’ this one. Yes, you in fact do know what you need to do…you simply may not want to do it. Try this: IF you knew what to do…AND you had permission to go ahead and do it (what you know will work to change your life for the better) what one thing would you do differently today? Really, so what’s your point here? You don’t know how to escort an elephant out of your house? Get a rope and a stick and some help!

6. WHAT IF I’M WRONG? You’re right. You can’t go wrong when you answer this question: “What’s good for me to do at this crossroads of change?” What’s your point? You can behave more independently and less co-dependently…keep it simple and ask for help from a neutral source when there’s a problem.

7. WHAT IF I’M BEING SELFISH? If you don’t take care of yourself, who will? The paradox is you will feel pressured to please when you should set limits and say “NO way!” What’s the point of talking to yourself as if you’re dirt?

8. BUT THEY’LL BE MAD AT ME. Ah, emotional blackmail works so well, and that’s why it’s used so often against you. IF a negatalker in your life is saying disapprovingly: “You shouldn’t do that … You don’t know what you’re talking about … You’re nothing without me…” Dump ‘em. I hope that wasn’t a knee-jerk or me-jerk reaction.

So that’s how to talk to yourself to feel free of mind and spirit when you feel angry…you feel betrayed…and your self-esteem sliced and diced.

WHEN ARE NICE PEOPLE WISE TO BE UNFORGIVING?

For-giving types such as Empathizer communicators need to balance that emotion with being more For-taking. I know that sounds cold and selfish but it is authentic and genuine. Instigator communicators aren’t as shy about taking care of their needs. I-types know there’s a season for everything…including a time NOT to forgive. When to forgive and forget? That’s the question whose answer can make a lifetime of peace and prosperity for you and yours or a never-ending mental war and emotional poverty.

WHO’S DRIVING YOUR BLUE OR BURNT ORANGE COMMUNICATOR CAR?

When is a good time to forgive? Whenever you choose to, but you don’t have to. You get to choose. Just don’t be a sap, all of you oh-so-precious sensitize souls who, in order to not hurt anyone so you “just say yes” to everyone who comes knockin’. Remember, always this: You alone sit behind the driver’s wheel of your life…and it’s not always a two-way communicator highway filled with positive and compassionate drivers who only want to best for everyone.

WHO SITS BEHIND THE DRIVER’S WHEEL OF YOUR LIFE CAR?

Why say “I’m sorry!” for being the leader of your own life? Why allow others to sit behind the driver’s wheel of your life car? There is a time to be for-giving and a time to be for-receiving. Knowing the difference can make the difference between an ulcer and a light turning on and shining the light in the dark cave of your life.

ABOUT TALK TO ME

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a professional keynote speaker who contends that you don’t have to feel guilty, whether you are an Empathizer or Instigator communicator, for refusing to be for-giving instead of for-taking. For instance, when you become the “talk object” of someone who drops the guilt bomb on ya’ and won’t change…change the channel and don’t expect him or her to change, ever. That’s so cold and closed? You got it! In fact, perhaps by not forgiving and refusing to get wrapped around an antagonist’s negative words or actions—you spontaneously reclaim your life and you stop holding your breath praying for them to change. The four talk modes you can use to create positive and effective communication are only found in Dennis O’Grady’s third book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.”

Don’t tell me to worry less when I’m worrying up a mental storm. The best person to calm me down at those times is ME, BUT I can leave myself high and dry on self-encouragement when I’m in panic-me mode. Case in point: When traveling recently to join a positive group of leaders and their spouses for a “celebration event,” I worried myself non-stop. “What IF my flight is cancelled? What IF my suitcase is lost? What IF my books don’t arrive on time? What IF I catch a cold? What IF my kids need me? What IF I bomb doing what I love, what then?” See? Worrisome thoughts follow some of us constantly, whether times are plush or tight.

WHAT IF BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO ME THAT I CAN’T CONTROL?

When I’m struggling with “What IF?” thoughts, I’m usually miserable and feel out of control. I feel helpless, unable to do something different. I scold myself because, after all, I’ve been able to break the worry habit a thousand times before. And even though deep down I’ve got nothing to worry about, there I go worrying myself again. So what does a “communications guru” like me try to say positively inside my skull when the negative voice debates and glibly contradicts my own self to make me worry more:

“Nothing bad is going to happen, buster. Oh yeah? Who really knows? Then why do they call it ‘the unknown,’ buddy?”

“Why worry? You’ve done this a thousand times before! Yeah, that’s true BUT this time could be different and something could go seriously wrong!”

“C’mon…stop the worrying already! You can’t stop worrying, dude, because you were born to be a worry wart. You say it yourself…smart people worry more.”

“Remember what you’ve been taught: When you calm down you lose control (and) when I relax I feel guilty.”

“I just worry too much. Ditto to the above. I’ve got to give you credit…you are one of the world’s greatest worriers and I respect you for that. Nothing’s going to catch you off guard.”

“BUT everybody else worries too much, too. Well, yeah, but you don’t have to live in their skin. Can’t you feel your heart pumping hard, the gastric juices sloshing around in your gut, your tempo keeping beat to the worry rap? You’re not like everybody else because you can’t get a grip when you want to.”

“Hey, I’ve got nothing to worry about. Well, yeah, but you can’t control the universe and you know bad things happen to good people like you. Sure, you can handle embarrassing failure, BUT do you want to?”

“What’s the worst thing that could happen? Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m talking about here…lots of weird stuff can happen and you’ve been around long enough to know what I’m talking about. Do ya’ know what I mean?”

“This is getting SO embarrassing how uptight I’m getting and making myself feel. Yeah, I told you so! I told you that you couldn’t handle being in the unknown all alone. You should worry about what others think of you and how good or bad a communicator you are.”

“I give up…I’m doing this to myself. Well, good for you because you should take responsibility. It (the worry habit) is your fault. Finally, there’s something we both agree on!”

HAVE A LITTLE FAITH IN YOU

Let loose of anxiety caused my thoughts that are torturing and tortuous. After all, they’re like hungry horseflies that are buzzing around your head looking for a brain to suck on. Swat…swat…feeling helpless and closed in? It’s your choice. You can change what you do to become a better you…be the leader of your own internal talk life. You can do it…what have you got to lose but living in a dreaded future or dreadful past?

TIPS THAT ARE BOUND TO WORK WHEN THE HEAT IS ON

Actually, I’ve noticed that when I’m super-uptight, I usually learn or do something useful…such as writing these tips in the middle of the Cincinnati Airport. I learn a little bit more about my personal power, my relationships, how important my daughters are to me…why friends are better than ice cream. Fretting about worrying won’t kill ya’…and it just may make you give birth to a new insight about expressing yourself more positively. Talk tips to relax today:

1. STOP LEAP-FROGGING TIME ZONES. This is my favorite anxiety trick of late. Whatever I’m worrying about, such as public speaking, I focus not only about my next keynote speech but ALL of my upcoming keynotes this year. The anxious mind “Takes it a year at a time instead of a day at a time!”

2. LAY CLAIM TO YOUR SPARKLE. No, you don’t have to sparkle and sizzle with energy every second of every day. But you are very rich, your personality is a gold mine, and you know that you can do what you do with your eyes closed. Anxiety blinds you and shouts orders in your ears that are very disorienting…that’s not your fault.

3. LISTEN TO THE CHIPMUNK CHATTER. Switch to using the television chipmunk voices to squeal about why you don’t know who you are or what you’re about…the high-pitched whining will help you change your mind about yourself instead of getting caught by the cat of anxiety.

4. WHO DO YOU HATE….DO YOU HATE IT? Putting negative energy into frightful thoughts empowers them. Instead of hating yourself or hating the anxious thoughts, count one way you can do something positive for yourself (like meditate or pray) to love yourself while scared.

5. WHO’S MAKING YOU WORRY? When a kid, I howled in laughter at episodes of “The Flip Wilson Show” when he would say: “It wasn’t my fault. The devil made me do IT!” Actually though, worry-more thoughts can be inadvertently “inserted” by a well-meaning parent or partner who worries about the amount of worrying you do.

6. KEEP YOUR CRITICAL PARENT CALVARY FROM LEADING A SELF-MASSACRE. When you feel weak or vulnerable, you will gun yourself down and massacre your self-esteem with the same thoughts/words used to scold you as a child. You can stop the stress massacre by taking sides with you and your positive mind.

7. TAKE IT EASY. Hey, life can be easy and you can change to a channel in your mind with “easy listening.” That’s why I swear by the personal directive: “Change the damn worry record!”

8. FIND A FRIENDLY FACE. Let a friendly new visitor into your life…let someone else make you smile…and relax…let go…you don’t need to have control…you don’t have to be perfect…you can be the relaxed you.

9. NO ONE IS PERFECT ALL THE TIME. When you demand yourself to be perfect…your worries will escalate and your fears exaggerate. Being the perfect thinker, the perfect talker, have the perfect mind, use the perfect emotions ain’t worth it…so thank your lucky stars that you’re a human being who is in process of becoming a more compassionate human being…and remind yourself that NO ONE is perfect all the time. Ever.

10. OFFER YOUR (A)WARES. Often, you can help others from the terrible experiences that made you feel like your world is coming to an end or you’re going to be eaten alive by stress alligators, when in fact you’re honing what (a)wares you will later share with others who need you.

11. THINK UNHAPPY THOUGHTS TO CHEER YOURSELF UP. To deal with anxiety, think of a time when you felt like you “lost it all” and came out of the experience better than ever and your zebra stripes changed for the better. This will have the reverse effect of worrying more…you will worry less.

12. YOU WILL SURVIVE. Talking to yourself kindly is a generous act that you probably don’t deserve but is worth trying anyway. You will survive anxious times…you will thrive during anxious times…you will succeed during anxious times…you will be more genuine during anxious times when you become a comforting friend to yourself during stressful times.

13. GIVE YOURSELF A PEACE OF YOUR OWN MIND. Laughing at yourself is a bit tricky when you’re uptight. Giving yourself a piece of your mind…now that’s pretty habitual. Giving yourself “peace of mind” is more powerful.

Well, that’s lucky 13 ways to let go of holding onto anxiety when your life feels deep in the unknown and you are scared.

SLOW DOWN…YOUR THOUGHTS…THEY MOVE TOO FAST

How are you and I supposed to slow down from worrying too much? One thing I know about me is that when I worry, I’m having the time of my life! How so? I’m living on the cutting edge of the people universe where nothing is guaranteed to anyone and everyone must handle whatever comes up with dignity and aplomb. Wanna “what if?” What IF good things happen to you?!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady, after stressing out on the way to the above-mentioned trip, finally got a grip, used a few pieces of his own advice and ended up having a wonderfully, marvelous, fun time, which just goes to prove that EVERYONE, even the so-called “experts,” always are in a position to learn a thing or two about living well and living fully. He’s founder of New Insights Communication and author of the newly published “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone.”

Do you know people who are such driven perfectionists that they’ll say things like, “I’ve got too much to do to relax!” It’s a hallmark kind of comment, one that can drive perfectionists (and those around them) nuts. And although all work and no play can turn Jack and Jill into dull adults (or kids), that doesn’t make perfectionists elsewhere stop and smell the cut grass. So many times, perfectionists are prone to say: “After I get all my work done…and get all the project monkeys off my back…THEN I can relax and enjoy myself.” Sad part is…the time to relax never comes.

EMPATHIZING WITH PERFECTIONISM

The pressure to be perfect is primarily experienced as an “infernal internal pressure to get it all done perfectly in order to live in an ideal world.” Empathizer-type communicators, especially, are plagued with pressures to be perfect…the perfect child or teen, the perfect worker, the perfect spouse, the perfect friend, the perfect lover, the perfect shopper, the perfect eater. They’re driven to have the perfect body, be the perfect catch, be the perfect church family parishioner…ah puke. In contrast, Instigator-type communicators look for shortcuts and feel that “requirements” are simply “suggestions” rather than commands or commandments. Thus, I-types will get the job done the easiest way possible. In essence, they do less but enjoy life more.

PERFECTIONISM IS PERFECTLY INSANE

That’s why I sarcastically say: “Perfectionism is perfectly insane.” As a psychologist, I hurt every time I see a wonderful human being (child, teen, adult, elder) who is draining him- or herself with excessive demands to do everything right (now, if not yesterday).

In their minds, being perfect is a constant, negative talk pattern of displeasing the self. They must do everything faster better bigger. No mistakes. No exceptions. Don’t eat to much. Don’t swear. Don’t sweat the small stuff but none of it’s small stuff. Why aren’t I sleeping better at night? Why can’t I just let it go? What’s wrong with me? Is my depression coming back? Am I going to drive people away? Why do I have to do this when other people are working less? Why is everyone else goofing off more but enjoying life to the max!

THUS, PERFECT IS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH

Perfect is NEVER enough for a perfectionist. You can always strive to be better…you CAN always be better. Ironically, the harder you try to control the world through the vehicle of perfectionism and idealism…the behinder you will get in feeling good about your life. Perfectionism keeps your mind ever busy, always thinking in dead-end circles. Perfectionism makes it hard to relax as you become more dissatisfied in your personal life, your work life, your spiritual life. When you drive to the city of Perfectionism, you can only get closer but you never arrive in a place called Peace.

SYMPTOMS OF THE PRESSURE TO BE PERFECT

How do you know if you or someone you love is being driven nuts by the unrealistic need to create a perfect world? Symptoms of the “anxious drive to be perfect” are:

1. YOU SNAP EASILY. You find yourself getting angry about small things. Petty annoyances and irritations feel big as life, driven by: “I can’t enjoy myself until I get everything out of the way!”

2. FEELING DOWN. You feel blue, de-energized, listless, drained, helplessly hoping and feel cheated of enjoyment because: “I work like crazy to get it all done and then I feel pooped.”

3. “I’M A RELATIONSHIP DOWNER!” You believe that you are a weight around the ankles of your life partner, dragging him or her down just when he/she is just trying to enjoy life in the pool of pleasure.

4. “IT’S NOT FAIR!” WOES. You feel that others are working less and getting more out of their lives…and you’re right!

5. GRUMPY ATTITUDE. You get grumpy from cracking the whip over your back, and say: “It’s just not fair that I have to have all this piled on my shoulders. Why don’t other people I know worry about the big stuff or even the little stuff like I do? What am I doing wrong?”

6. INTERPERSONAL ISOLATION. You don’t interact socially as much as you used to. Work is valued above interpersonal relationships. For example, you don’t have “time to waste” by meeting with friends or talking with them on the phone because “I’ve gotta’ go now and get some things done because I’m running behind.”

7. “I TAKE THINGS TOO PERSONALLY.” You realize that you’re taking teasing comments TOO personally, and then feel bad about feeling bad and even feel angry because: “Why don’t you/they understand me…understand the ton of pressure that’s bending me under?”

8. ON-OFF MOOD. Your mood goes up and down like a roller coaster, and others don’t ask you to do things together as often for fear of hearing, “I’d like to, but I’m too busy to.”

9. “WHY AREN’T I HAPPY LIKE I USED TO BE?” Trying hard to be perfect automatically takes a toll on all those “tiny moments of joy that make up our lifetime.” We mishear a kids’ joke and parentally scold: “We’ve got to do BETTER around here and pick up our shoes for a change!” is the reaction…instead of a spontaneous laugh.

10. ‘WHAT IFFERS’ ARE WORRIED. You’re repeatedly hearing from a wide-range of caring friends and family members: “Is everything all right? What’s wrong? You seem so tense and uptight. You’ve got to take a chill pill. Is it something I said or did…because you seem so off your game, lately!”

11. CAN’T EVER RELAX. You can’t ever seem to relax. Even when you’re “supposed to feel relaxed,” you are making plans in your head and strategizing about what next group of tasks needs to be done by you.

12. FLAKE OUT. After a self-imposed, perfectionism-driven-maniac day in which you forget to breathe…your mind melts and you “flake out” by staring at the television, doing bills, overeating, falling asleep, or shamelessly scolding yourself for not getting more done in less time.

13. HAVE-TO-ISM. “I have to work like crazy to get it all done!” And, “I’m supposed to fulfill ALL of my obligations to the best of my abilities.” Or, “If I don’t do IT then IT won’t get done.” Or, “I can’t trust anybody to come through and do as good as job as I do!”

So do you work like crazy to get it all done? Then that’s how you’ll end up…crazy with self-induced tensions.

“WHEN IT ALL GETS DONE, THEN I’LL RELAX!”

Are you lying to yourself when you promise to relax once everything gets done? No, but that simple statement is a wrinkle-faced lie because it never all gets done…closer to done maybe, but done-done? No way, Jose. Whoosh…your life is gone then and you’re filled with post-mortem regrets.

WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO IT ALL IT’S EASY TO RELAX

In your (perfect) mind, you are not over-working…you’re just working non-stop to get all the stuff done. BUT does this pressure to be perfect rob you and your relationship of enjoyment, pleasure and peace-filled existence or detract from your performance? Only if you allow your life to be driven to perfection. SO next time you say: “BUT I can’t afford to relax until I get it all done!?” remember this: You can’t afford NOT to!

DO LESS TO BE MORE

Just for today, put aside your “to do” list. Hey you, Empathizers, remember that it’s OK to “do less to be more.” And if you’re an Instigator communicator? Teach the E-types you love how not to take “assignments or requirements” as commandments that they must fulfill for fear of falling into the great abyss. Short story: Ask an E-type what you can do to help him/her out of stress and into relaxation today.

TALK TO ME

Dr. Dennis O’Grady thinks it’s perfectly OK to be self-critical enough to figure out if you are a perfectionist (and if so, chill out for a day, just to see what it’s like!). He’s the author of Talk to Me: Communications Moves to Get Along With Anyone and founder of New Insights Communication in Dayton, Ohio.

Intense emotions have a life and a mind of their own in the comforting world of relationships. Like it or not: Strong emotions often dictate the outcome of problems in relationships or at work. In my clinical research, Instigator-type communicators take pride in putting their strong mind over errant emotions. In contrast, Empathizer-type communicators take pride in processing rampant emotions to guide tough life changes. Either way, there is a time and season for everything…including when to pay attention to emotions and when to ignore them.

NEW INSIGHTS COMMUNICATION POLL: WHAT IS THE TOUGHEST EMOTION YOU WRESTLE WITH?

What emotions lead your talk parade today? What rough-and-tough emotions do you wrestle with that affect what you say and do…or more importantly what you don’t say or don’t do that is good for you? What emotions determine whether you and I talk positively or speak negatively? Here are the results (in descending order) of the New Insights Communication poll offered recently at drogrady.com:

#1: Anxiety … 32.00%

#2: Guilt … 20.00%

#3: Loneliness … 16.00%

#4: Anger … 12.00%

#5: Depression … 12.00%

#6: Insecurity … 8.00%

COMMUNICATION NOISE

Emotions are the “noise” in the background of any communication that causes mishearing and misspeaking. If the emotions are “loud enough or “noisy” enough, you can get a headache and have difficulty deciphering the message…the core message will be drowned out in all the roar. According to this survey, ANXIETY is the most common emotion you will feel…followed my GUILT…and then LONELINESS.

MY-BAD

Perhaps that’s why the witty saying “My-Bad” is gaining popularity. My point: Combined, these are all VERY powerful (even toxic) emotions that when unprocessed, can wreak havoc with your home and work life. And please know: I am not making excuses for your irresponsible actions because your feelings aren’t bigger than your ability to manage them. I’m just saying that emotions make people SPEAK the negative and DO the negative, repetitively. That is, until we decide to change for the better.

ANXIETY GENERATOR

Do you generate anxiety? If you feel guilty for having hard times or having it so good, you will generate anxiety and leave people feeling put off or ticked off after you deal intimately with them. How do people feel after they come in contact with you? Better off, or worse off? For example, do you go about your day in an “I’ve got to hurry up because my back is up against the wall and everybody is expecting me to get it all done for them yesterday and I just want the world to stop so I can get off and…”?

WHY NOT BUMP UP YOUR MOOD TO THE POSITIVE FOR A CHANGE OF PACE TODAY?

Freedom is around the corner when you realize that YOU are the generator of much of your own anxiety-anger-guilt-blue cycle because of the way you talk to YOU. Actually, that’s why I wrote “Taking the Fear Out of Changing” and “Talk to Me.” I heard from my clients that fear/anxiety/worry/dread/ruminating/fretting/etc. were running their life shows and determining their destinies. Not any fun. Why not bump up your mood to the positive for a change of pace today?

BENEFITS OF THE “TALK TO ME” APPROACH TO YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP COMMUNICATION

I suppose some people just want to be uptight and not enjoy life, but I don’t think that’s very saintly. That’s all I can figure when the approach to feel better fast is at your fingertips in my third book, “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone,” for less than the price of a dinner for two. Hey, if you want to suffer…the world is your oyster. But if you want to be as happy (mostly) as a clam at high tide, then check out the benefits my clients have told me they receive from using my talk system:

1. Energy improves…“Where does he/she get all his/her energy?”

2. Mood bumps up to the positive…“Nothing much seems to get you down for very long!”

3. Self-inflicted worry and anxiety declines…“Why run yourself in circles or beat your head against a wall?”

4. Enjoying…“They really seem to enjoy people from all walks of life!”

5. The light bulb turns on effect…“My relationships no longer derail me from doing what’s good for me.”

6. Impossible people don’t make you reel…“Difficult people are no longer so difficult!”

7. Improved problem-solving…“I let go of relationship or work situations that aren’t working.”

8. Talking positively to self…“I have a far better inner-personal relationship with my self.”

9. Optimistic attitude…“I have more vitality, less depressive thinking, irritations don’t ruin my day.”

COMMUNICATE POSITIVELY AND EFFECTIVELY…BE THE LEADER OF YOUR OWN LIFE

You may not be able to control what other people say or do to you. You may not be able to advise people to adopt the life changes you recommend to make their life better and more relaxed. You may not be able to make people stop swimming in an Olympic-size pool of pity and psychodrama or melodrama. But you can talk positively to yourself in encouraging ways when all Heaven is ready to break loose. What have you got to lose? Only a bad mood driven by a hurricane of emotions that will rip your attention away from doing what works to achieve your heart-felt goals. The choice is yours…now…more than ever before with the new talk technology.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady tends to prefer swimming (or scuba diving) in an Olympic-sized swimming pool of positive communication and effective relationships that are satisfying and fulfilling (and fun, like the pool!). He’s also founder of New Insights Communication and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.”

Previous New Insights Communication polls have included “Are You An Optimistic Driver On The Two-Way Communication Highway?” … “The Elephant Stampede” … “What Makes A Good Leader Great?” … “Does Your Attitude Work To Make You A Better Leader?” … “What’s Up With Your Confidence Level?” … “When You Argue, Are You Always Right?” … “Are You Shy or Stuck Up?”… “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?”

Standing your ground and talking non-defensively is critical when talks heat up and tempers and guilt bombs fly. Being “genuine” is no excuse to say really hurtful things to another person and thereby rob a relationship of peaceful co-existence. A note of caution: If a “psychocritiquer” is just venting a spleen on your face, then talks may need to be halted so mean words and mean-spirited accusations are similarly halted.

SHRUGGING OFF REJECTION

Here’s how practicing CommTool #13 helps you side-step implied social rejection or disapproving threats that shut down good communication:

1. “You’re too scared to talk to me.” Implied threat: If you don’t allow me to beat up on you verbally, then you’re a weak wimp. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

2. “You’re a poor excuse for a communicator!” Implied threat: If you don’t agree with my put-downs, then you are a bad communicator. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

3. “We’ve just got to agree, to disagree!” Implied threat: If you don’t agree with me, then you’re in the wrong, and I will just wait until you come around. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

4. “You had it coming!” Implied threat: If you don’t tow the party line, your punishment is warranted.” Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

5. “Your mood is like a screeching roller-coaster!” Implied threat: If you aren’t happy with how I’m treating you, then something is very wrong with you and your mood. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

6. “All you want to do is argue and fight!” Implied threat: If you protect yourself by getting angry at the person who is lashing you with bad treatment, then you are mentally off-balance and need help. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

7. “You have to have it your way!” Implied threat: If you don’t focus your time, energy and attentive comments on the speaker, then you are not being a team player who’s in it for the good of all. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

8. “You only care about yourself!” Implied threat: If you have needs that are conflict with another’s agenda, then you are being selfish and self-absorbed. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

9. “You’ve done IT to yourself, you know!” Implied threat: If you’ve done something unconstructive once in 10 years, then that excuses the same negative behavior that occurs weekly in the guilt tripper. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

10. “You’ve got to get past IT!” Implied threat: If you’re a religious person, then you should forgive and forget what is unforgivable and unforgettable. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

11. “You always and only focus on the negative!” Implied threat: If you respond critically to negative words or actions, then you deserve further criticism for being SO sensitive. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

12. “You think that I meant to do IT, don’t you?!” Implied threat: If you try to hold me responsible for intending to do something harmful to your self-esteem, I’m going to plead a complete lack of awareness and pose the “relationship insanity defense.” Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

13. “You have some serious issues and I can’t help you!” Implied threat: If you are disagreeing, then you must be a disagreeable person who needs psychological psychotherapy as soon as possible. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

14. “IT always has to be your way!” Implied threat: If you require compromise, then you will be accused of failing to compromise in a logical and civil fashion. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

15. “You’re not listening to me so shut your yap for a second!” Implied threat: If you disagree assertively, then that means you aren’t a good listener or open-minded. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

YOUR POSITIVE MIND IS TOO PRECIOUS TO MISPLACE

Why allow your mind to be written on by NegaTalkers? Now you know how to stop from being psychologically tortured by someone you work with or love. Your positive mind is too precious to misplace! “Psycho-torture” is when a fellow talk traveler gets you to grab their “baited hook” of negative talking …and negative “opinionizing”…about your character and caring, your decisions and intelligence, your feelings and emotional honesty, your integrity and motives. Once you’re hooked, the torturer then reels you in like a flapping fish as you become increasingly agitated and upset. Great Scott, are we having fun, yet? This magnificent CommTool forces the controlling criticizer to clarify his or her thinking, not so you can launch a counter-offensive, but so you can know what is making them tick, and making you ticked off.

GET YOUR COTTIN’ PICKIN’ HANDS OFF MY PSYCHIC SKIN YOU DAD BLASTED GUILT TRIPPER

You can read about how to get off the hook of a “psycho-torturer” in related articles. For now, though, know that you have choices in how to respond assertively to slams, jams, pokes, prods, guilt trips, psychocritiquing, low blows, irritating talk distractions, guerilla talk warfare, power plays, one-up-wo/manship, psychotorture, the “Now, I’ve got you where I want you, you S.O.B.” games people play, nit-picking by a dad blasted perfectionistic put-down artist…well, you get the drift.

YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE IT’S ALL MY FAULT…THAT I’M THE PROBLEM

Well, if the shoe fits the psycho-torturer, then you can’t help that person “fix” their attitude and their negative relationship actions. Can you? Alright…I’ve heard all the come-backs:

• “Why can’t we just work at this?”
• “There simply wasn’t enough time!”
• “If you try to we can work anything out together!”
• “Why can’t we speak truthfully and honestly and just tell each other how we really feel?”
• “You’re being TOO thin-skinned, and can’t take the truth!”
• “I didn’t mean to and I didn’t know what else to do!”
• “I’ve said that ‘I’m sorry’ so why can you just forget about it?”
• “I told you I’ll be different in the future and change.”
• “I can’t make you feel bad or ticked off, only you have the power to do that!”

What a bunch of slick-talking slippery thinking meant to keep you on the line and your self-esteem left gutted like a fish on a carving board.

WHAT TO DO WHEN TALKS ARE SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL?

Choose to take control of talks that are spinning out of control like a car on black ice in the winter. Drive through the skid to safety, by saying: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT? Then listen non-defensively to another stupid argument why human beings think they can say anything bad and nasty and get away with it!

CHECK OUT THE PREVIOUS COMMTOOLS

CommTool#12: ARE YOU SAYING THAT

CommTool#11: SO, WHAT’S YOUR POINT

CommTool#10: IF THE SHOE FITS, BABY

CommTool#9: I NEED YOU TO KNOW I’M FEELING SCARED

CommTool#8: NOW HEAR THIS MY DEAR MIND

CommTool#7: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT

CommTool#6: I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT

CommTool#5: WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ME

CommTool#4: CHANGE…THE DAMN RECORD

CommTool#3: WHY ‘IT’S NOT FAIR’ IS SUPREMELY FAIR

CommTool#2: IS THIS GOOD FOR ME?

CommTool#1: YOU’VE SAID THAT ALREADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching, relationship problem-solving communication tools and professional development training in Dayton, Ohio, and surrounding areas. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” In this inspiring new relationship improvement and leadership training program, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Empathizers back down from verbal confrontations while Instigators don’t hold back speaking their minds. You can get a thumbnail sketch of your true communicator type by clicking on “What’s Your Communicator Type.” And these tools REALLY work when you choose to use them!