Posts in category: MANAGE MOOD

Does your confidence level push you to get things done or does it pull you down some? All you have to do is open a newspaper, as I did recently, and you will find an increase in mental health services to reduce stress, anxiety, depression, post-traumatic reactions and grief in the workplace (USA Today, 8/22/06, by Stephanie Armour). Not that these growing services to help workers are a bad thing, but the unspoken issue is that some negatalker is running down your mood, breaking your confidence and placing you at risk to join “the walking wounded at work.” You can manage your mood on your own much better than you might imagine – when you’re willing to put minutes a day into doing so.

BETTER YOUR BEST ATTITUDE

As a 30-year executive coach and leadership development communications psychologist, I see and hear powerful proof every day of how a single bad-egg supervisor or partner negatively impacts your mood, draining the energy you need to get things done. Oh, how your mood can be run down or tripped up in the workplace and in the family love space! The psycho-behavioral impact: The lower your mood…the less able and confident you feel to take risks and get good things done…when you’ve promised to do them. Or am I just making one big whopping psycho-babbling (g)rumbling brook of an excuse? You know best. Who or what pumps up your mood…and who or what deflates your mood and confidence level?

GETTING THINGS DONE AT WORK: THE NEW INSIGHTS CONFIDENCE POLL

I thought I would find out what it’s like for most folks at the busy intersection of Bad Mood Boulevard and Stay Focused Street. I asked responders to tell me if their “confidence level” (a self-perception scale of mood intensity ranging from negative to neutral to positive) was the KEY to various work habits. The results show that mood and your confidence level are linked to just about EVERY work habit under the corporate sun.

MY “CONFIDENCE LEVEL” IS THE KEY TO:

1. 0…Zero percent…………….RESOLVING DISPUTES

2. 5.26%………GETTING DIFFICULT THINGS DONE AT WORK

3. 0%…………..EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION STRATEGIES

4. 15.79%…………………MY MOOD

5. 0…Zero percent………RELATIONSHIP SATISFACTION

6. 78.95%…………………ALL OF THE ABOVE

YOUR CONFIDENCE LEVEL AFFECTS JUST ABOUT ALL YOU DO AND HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT WHAT YOU DO AND DON’T DO

So, does one bad apple of a supervisor, team member or romantic partner spoil your lunch? Yes, it’s true. My proof: Your confidence level or worker self-esteem has been effectively studied and measured in the leadership development literature and on the real-life field of occupational testing. For further proof of what you intuitively know about relational stress on your self-esteem, please read Dr. Robert Hogan’s outstanding discussion of key research applications related to confidence level in his latest book: “Personality and The Fate of Organizations.” Dr. Hogan’s book is available at www.erlbaum.com. Dr. Hogan brilliantly and assertively discusses “models of bad management,” “studies of failed managers” and how “the personality disorders” relate directly to “managing impressions of success” and “giving off a pleasing personal appearance”…when the reality is a lousy mood and ineffectiveness of many modern-day workers. So, does one bad apple spoil your lunch?

WHAT IS THE SINGLE BIGGEST IMPACT ON YOUR CONFIDENCE LEVEL?

What is the single biggest impact on your confidence level? Well, how positive your family relationships are for one. If you are stressed and stretched at home, and if you are stretched thin in your coping energy reserves, then you are going to work as a “wounded warrior,” or “the working wounded” as Joseph Calabrese, director of the University of Cleveland’s mood disorders program has been quoted as saying. That being said…you are still the leader of your life, in charge of your mood and of communicating effectively in all of your relationships to boost your mood and bust the blues!

NOW GET READY FOR THIS NEWSFLASH YOU TALK ACCIDENT VICTIMS AT CONGESTED COMMUNICATION INTERSECTIONS

In Chapter 6, Dr. Hogan (“Personality and The Fate of Organizations”) relays a stunning research finding (but perhaps not at all surprising to those of us who work in the trenches and suffer from shell shock at work): “About 75% of the workforce surveyed will say that the worst single aspect of their job, the most stressful aspect of their job, is their immediate supervisor.” For all you skeptics out in Webville…the research was done in 1948, 1958, 1969 and 1998 in London, Baltimore, Seattle and Honolulu—across a wide variety of occupational groups…still the most stressful part of your job is an immediate supervisor who is IMPOSSIBLE!

WHAT IS THE MOST STRESSFUL PART OF YOUR JOB—WHAT DEFLATES YOUR CONFIDENCE THE MOST?

In my clinical studies of executive coaching and relationship counseling results and outcomes, I’ve found these 7 factors directly and massively impact your confidence level on THE TWO-WAY COMMUNICATION HIGHWAY:

1. FLAT TIRES: Unresolved family or extended family issues with loss or grief management components. Losing a close friend or divorce falls into this category.

2. LOW ON GAS: Working for an “impossible boss” who militaristically makes you mad to motivate you.

3. CLUNKING ENGINE: Not doing what works to “tune up” one’s attitude or life…doing what doesn’t work and feeling depressed due to self-prescribed failures.

4. ROAD RAGE: Psycho-critiques and guilt trips that proclaim you’re not worth much.

5. NO BRAKES: Careening out of control by racking up financial bills or debt that is overwhelming.

6. LAZY OR INATTENTIVE DRIVERS: Team players who don’t keep their word and pass around hand grenades of bad feelings with the pin pulled out. Gossiping and using others fits here.

7. OVERHEATED ENGINE: Secretive bullying or passive-aggressive “slow down” or “take this” paybacks in the workplace.

WHAT’S THE POINT? WHY LET ONE BAD EGG, CRACK YOUR CONFIDENCE?!

Your confidence level is tremendously impacted by all the people, negative or neutral or positive, you are closest to as you go about moving between family team and work team. Especially negative people who broker power…and get off on getting you down…are the biggest de-motivational culprits and spirit-killers.

When I was a child, I was given the advice to JUST IGNORE stupid behavior and stupid people who are mean-spirited power-mongers. I’ve discovered since that advice doesn’t always work very well, and actually contributes to the problem of crucifying your confidence level. Instead, I recommend you become the leader of your own life and boost your attitude every day inputting the positive. What’s the point? Why let one bad egg…one impossibly difficult person who doesn’t perceive there is a problem and therefore won’t change anything about their negative behavior…crack your confidence!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady, who likes to think of himself as a good egg, is also the author of newly published Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone. He’s the chief egg and founder of New Insights Communication in Dayton, Ohio.

Previous New Insights Communication Polls have included “If You’re Scoring At Home, Are You Scoring At Work?“…”What’s Up With Your Confidence Level?“… “When You Argue, Are You Always Right?” … “Are You Shy or Stuck Up?”… “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?” Read more about the challenge of leadership, and other topics about executive coaching, business consulting, leadership training and communication skills here four minutes every day of the week to make change happen fast and last.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional training in Ohio and surrounding states. Knowing who you’re talking to in the workplace by communicator type (Empathizer or Instigator) and temperament (Introvert or Extrovert)–makes all the difference in the “mood” in your workplace and the “effectiveness” of your management team.

How and why do we stress ourselves out anyway? Well, why not? You and I have to start somewhere, right? (Unless you’re the kind of person who gets your engine all revved up at night to prepare for and control the unexpected stresses that will hit you in the morning when you see all those smiling faces at work beaming at you!) Here’s how to stay on top of stress, keep your change muscles flexed and your change sleeves rolled up this week.

ARE YOU A LAZY THINKER? WHY NOT DE-STRESS YOURSELF ON THE FLY WHILE YOU WORK, INSTEAD?

Below are a dozen LAZY ways to be a Negatalker (and my challenges) that you can use to negatively think yourself into a stressed-out, depressed blue state of mind, even on a day when you’ve been given the opportunity to excel:

1. “I’m the guy or gal responsible for it all!” True, you’ve got the power to make things happen at work. Isn’t that a good thing? As long as you don’t get a long face, you can accomplish what the closed mind says you can’t pole vault with a ten-foot pole.

2. “I don’t want to lose what I’ve got!” True, you have to support yourself and your family, but you don’t have to allow fear to run the show at work. As look as you don’t permit fear to sour into frustration, you can go easy down the road of change at work and feel grounded and centered in this very second.

3. “There’s no time to get everything done!” True, you can’t get all your work projects done today. But why would you cramp yourself into a too-tight time box with a ticking time-bomb clock that says: “You won’t…you can’t…there’s not…there’s no way…it’s not possible…it’s not fair…you won’t be able to pull this off…what are people going to think…you will fail and embarrass yourself…no one cares anyway…why even bother…yak…yak…yak!” Well, you get the idea. Strive for peace of mind instead of allowing your mind to become splintered and split into pieces or fragments of “can’tism.”

4. “I’m SO tired I can’t think straight!” True, perhaps you haven’t been sleeping very well because you’ve been filling your mind with worries you can’t do anything about at bedtime. So, as you crawl into the sack let your mind relax…feel how cozy and warm being in a “safe” bed can be…and thank your lucky stars that you have a second life to do what you’ve always wanted to do in the “anything goes” dream world.

5. “I should’ve gotten along better with my partner (or kids) last night!” True, relationship life can be VERY stressful at home and dim the couple lantern of love, because there is a far better chance that our expectations will crash and our hopes for the good life will be trashed. Hey, sorry, but that’s par for the social course. BUT why would you “push” homefront stresses with your partner or the kids into your work week…as if a pipeline of stress flows between your home and the office and back home again? Simple, you wouldn’t.

6. “My mind is crammed and jammed and races away with itself!” True, due to the horsepower under the hood…your mind can race away with itself (and a jumpy you along with it!) Don’t forget that you have a pair of brakes, and can decelerate and pull into a “pit stop” for five minutes during your day any time you need to. Read something positive, make a fast fun call, meditate or pray, write compassionate thoughts about yourself in an e-mail and send it to you for careful reading. A crammed mind is always open for review!

7. “If I keep thinking negative thoughts…bad things are going to happen to me!” True, thinking uncensored negative thoughts IS useful in short spurts to get a grip on reality and stop living in a perfectionistic or idealistic dream world and responsibly solve problems. BUT your gloomy thoughts DO NOT cause bad things to happen! They’re just negative thoughts trying to scare the pants or skirt off of you…making you feel naked and vulnerable. Don’t go there…there’s nothing useful to learn from fear that seeks to put a stranglehold on your confidence and crash your mood.

8. “I hate not having control!” True, much of your success at work is interpersonally interdependent – you need the help and the cooperation of others to make work projects take flight. However, the harder you try to control what you don’t have control over, the ‘behinder’ you will get in your mood and tasks that you DO have control over. That’s the paradox: fear will command you focus on what you don’t have control over and fret too much about this or that – thus disrupting you and distracting your attention away from focusing on what you DO have the power to impact and change in positive ways.

9. “Why do I allow negative energy in my team to drain me and bring me down?!” True, fear and frustration are like cigar smoke that sticks to your clothing and person, whether you “allow” it to or not. BUT you can go outside for some fresh air, shower yourself with loving and caring thoughts, take a few deep breaths of fresh air, remind yourself what the most important tasks are to do today…and do what’s important instead of getting caught up in everyone else’s emergencies.

10. “Why am I SO stuck in the negative?!” True, all of us do the negative far easier than the positive because of old habits and lazy emotional thinking. Let negative feelings roll off your back like water off the feathers of a duck’s back. Sure, you and I look like a calm duck on the surface, and we’re paddling like heck underneath the surface to get from here to there. You’ve got nothing to worry about because you’re not alone!

11. “I’m falling behind and failing!” True, if you are doing something worthwhile, then you have and will experience heart-rending failures that will make you lose face in your own mind. However, you can input heart-mending words of wisdom or WOWs that keep you dealing with failures from a viewpoint of, “If I’m not failing once in awhile…than I’m not doing anything worthwhile or important to my work and family world.”

12. “I want to run away or fade into the woodwork!” True, almost everyone hides behind a “business wall” at times to soothe feelings and repair damaged self-esteem. But don’t stay in your cubicle cave, for gosh sakes…you aren’t a Neanderthal. Go out and smile, and ask: “SO, how’s it goin’ today?” Fear not…it’s not going well for most of us on Moan-Day!

ARE YOU A “PSYCHO”-THERAPIST?

O.K., one of my humorous communications clients asked me if I am a “psycho”-therapist. Well, I suppose I am. I lose my mind many times a day to scary places and thoughts that are pure bullcrap. And I have been known to keep chomping into that manure sandwich long before lunch time on Moan-Day…I mean Monday morning. Yet, I remind myself that fear is a figment of my very active imagination, and that every single day, people like you and me are caring people who are trying to get through the work week in one piece and support ourselves and our families. SO talk positively to yourself for a change of mental scenery!

WHEN THE ROAD GETS TOUGH…MAKE A BRIEF PIT STOP TO REFUEL

To that end, I wish you a week of self-compassion when the road gets rough…and that caring people like you keep traveling on the highway of life after making a few brief pit stops along the way to refuel your energy…hope…and peaceful mindedness. Will today be a new day or an old habit called “Moan-Day…Moan-Day…I can’t trust me on that day!” a playoff on the 1966 Mama’s and Papa’s hit tune?

Hey, if lovin’ and likin’ you and me is wrong—then I don’t want to be right!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, USA. He is a workshop leader and keynote speaker on the topics of Effective Communication Strategies, Leadership Communication, Change Management workshops and Conflict and Anger Management seminars at www.drogrady.com. He personally uses these new communication tools to avoid singing resenting worry songs when the road gets rough, and to take a few brief pit stops along the highway of life to refuel his energy…hope…and peaceful mindedness! Why not juice up your attitude today with a little self-assertive talk that won’t fall on deaf ears?

In 1966, the Mamas and Papas sang a hit tune about “Monday, Monday…So good to me…Monday morning…It was all I hoped it to be.” Is this the annoying song of the day, or what? O.K….if you’re reading this on Monday…or Moan-day…there’s going to be a whole new batch of stress-related challenges for you to handle and grow from this week. Breathe deeply, feel what you do, and respond as positively and powerfully as you can to the crazy messages floating around this tilted, upside-down world. In fact, singing the “sanemaking” lyrics in this article are guaranteed to make you grin and buck up! Hey, stress overload is simply a bunch of strong emotions bidding for your attention…SO don’t you lose hope…and don’t change from who you really are–one brave soul, among quietly courageous people who dare to care!

MOAN-DAY, MONDAY…CAN’T TRUST (ME/YOU ON) THAT DAY?

Will today be a new day or an old habit called “Moan-Day…Monday…Can’t trust ME on that day!” which is putting my positive spin on the 1966 Mama’s and Papa’s #1 hit tune called “Monday, Monday.” Hey, don’t shoot the messenger. After all, what’s YOUR annoying song of the day that you sing and say to yourself? Following are the “Monday, Monday” lyrics, with a little “talking positively” alteration care of Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone:

Moan-day, Moan-day
So bad to me
Moan-day morning
It was all I said it would be..e!
Oh, Moan-day morning
Monday morning I could guarantee
That Moan-day evening you would still
Be here moaning with me

Moan-day, Moan-day
Can’t trust that day…
Moan-day, Moan-day
All the time it just turns out the way that I say..y!
Oh, Moan-day morning you gave me no warning
Of what was to be
Oh, Moan-day, Moan-day
How could you leave and not take me

Every other day
Every other day
Every other day of the week is slimed (not fine)
Yeah
But whenever Moan-day comes
But whenever Moan-day comes
You can find me cryin’ and whinin’ all of the time

Moan-day, Moan-day
Made so bad by me
Moan-day, Moan-day
It was all I loathed it into being
But, Moan-day morning
Monday morning I could guarantee
That Moan-day evening you would still
Be upset with me

Moan-day, Moan-day
Can’t trust me with that day
Moan-day, Monday
It just runs out the way I SAY..y!
Oh, Moan-day, Moan-day
Will go away whenever I SAY
Monday, or Moan-day
It’s always going to be the way I say!

MOAN-DAY…MOAN-DAY

In and of itself, complaining isn’t a bad thing. Complaining seeks to reassure each and every person that, “It’s not as bad as I think, because day-time terrors do get better if I don’t chose to get bitter!” So Happy Monday to you! Don’t you wish every day of the week could be Monday…another awe-full day to act on mega-opportunities to make your “To Do” list become a “(DO)NE” list? You can bet your Sticky Notes on it!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, USA. He is a workshop leader and keynote speaker on the topics of Effective Communication Strategies, Leadership Communication, Change Management workshops and Conflict and Anger Management seminars at www.drogrady.com. He personally uses these new communication tools to avoid singing worry songs, and to keep a positive attitude every single day of the week!

You are standing on the slippery slope of victim thinking when you lazily say to yourself: “IT really upsets me!” or “IT really upsets me…and I CAN’T do anything about IT!” Are you putting your self-esteem and personal power at the top of your “to-do list” for today? Or are you falling for the All-American Sob Story of “IT really upsets me” instead of the psychological truth that “I really upset ME” or “I’m really good at upsetting myself when I want to.” So who owns your mind, anyway? Who’s got the power of your mind…you…your boss…your intimidator…or the situation that’s causing you stress?

SYMPTOMS OF PITY-PARTY NEGATIVE THINKING

Alright, you and I love a sob story. With sob stories to share, you and I can feel better that some poor bloke is worse off than you or I. But beware: You are your own worst enemy when it comes to “poor me, I can’t change and all I can do is react to the bad things that happen to me that are beyond my control” thinking that victims so readily adopt. Here’s why you feel bad – and how you can think and talk differently to yourself for a change of attitude:

1. “Things come up that I don’t know how to handle.” Well, how WOULD you like to handle them? You have choices about how intensely you will interact with a stress situation…with a positive or negative, open or closed attitude. Mr/s Positive you don’t have to be, BUT you are a VERY powerful person, and you can’t afford to forget that fact for one minute!

2. “I don’t have confidence in what I’m talking about.” Well, sure you do…who ya’ kiddin’?! You just back down too fast when anyone questions you too much, especially yourself. Why let a Doubting Thomas take away that personal faith that is based on your innate abilities and ACTIONS? Why not have confidence in the solutions you brainstormed to solve the problem? Your solutions work…just try them and experience the difference for yourself.

3. “I can’t let go of the past.” Ah, now, there you go again, because ‘the past is past’ and we both know it. In fact, the previous sentence you just read is in the past, so who cares? Do you allow your so-called “past” to hold the power to sway your today…to make today be a duplicate copy of yesteryear? Oh my, where are you coming from? There’s nothing to let go of from the past, because there’s nothing to hold onto anywhere. The past is simply a figment of your wonderful imagination.

4. “Things are going along just fine for awhile, then you step into a big hole.” Hey, I don’t step into a big hole, unless I want to, and when I do choose to, I try not to whine TOO much about it. Well, actually, I am pretty good at suffering alot. Enough about me already: Why would you step into a big hole…why not walk around it? Do as I say and do: Now IF you’re looking in the rearview mirror of your life, begin looking forward to see where you’re going.

5. “Stuff happens and IT always seems to happen to me.” IT doesn’t happen to you, you are happening and going places and stuff happens that you have to deal with. Frankly, what happens…and why what happens, happens…is far less important than how you are going to respond in ways that build your self-esteem and confidence, not demolish it with self-criticism and self-flagellation.

6. “It’s SO hard to change and teach old dogs new tricks.” SO who ya’ callin’ an old dog, human? Tell the truth now, at least to yourself in your inner talk: it’s not so hard for anyone to change if he/she puts time, effort, energy and motivation into a worthy change project. Do you keep re-playing the negative worry record, “I CAN’T CHANGE BECAUSE…” over and over again until you’re nuts? Do you?

7. “BUT they’re so intimidating because they’ve got everything, including happiness.” “They sayers” don’t have to live in your psychic skin and occupy your mind and attitude on a daily basis. “Nay sayers” want to exert power over your self-attitude with their negativity, so why let them? Nobody’s happy, are they? You aren’t one down or one up because you are simply ONE AWESOME AND THENSOME PERSON!

8. “I feel guilty and obligated.” Don’t push the psychoexcuse that, “I don’t have a clue.” You are tuned in and power-full! Guilt trippers just love how easy a mark you are to manipulate when you think, walk and talk like a victim. Why do you allow others to change your mind when you’re right, AGAIN!

9. “I make the wrong relationship choice every single time.” So start making better matches when it comes to friends, dates and romantic partners. Chose someone who has a positive attitude, who travels lightly without carrying old resentment bags, who loves kids and dogs and who willingly improves the self on a daily basis. However, if you want to be miserable…stick around negative people who specialize in feeling up by bringing you down.

10. “I feel SO drained and down all the time.” Alright, I understand you’re not coming to grips with helping/saving/rescuing others, and you’re trying REALLY way, way too hard to help others who don’t help themselves. And you allow takers to strain and drain you emotionally. Hey, ever wonder…maybe all those poor sods don’t really want to be helped, after all.

11. “I can’t make up my mind.” That’s simply not true at all, because you make up your mind…then change your mind…then allow someone else to talk you out of what you believe in…then re-make your mind…then get all discombobulated and confused and back off from doing what you know you need to do for yourself to feel good. Next time, change your mind in positive ways and stick to them.

12. “My attempts to do something new always fail.” So you expect to get things right on the very first try? Isn’t anything worth doing, worth doing poorly, at first? Is it me or are you being WAY too harsh on yourself, when you stick yourself in a corner with your nose against the paint peeling wall while wailing and suffering? Why again are we fearing failure so much?

13. “I should be doing more.” Should-ism is a variation of: “My attempts to change my negative attitude fall nowhere.” So why aren’t you putting four minutes a day into improving your inner-personal communication skills, to take back ownership of your mind, to prove to yourself the truth that the power IS in you and not some dumb situation or idiotic antagonist? Why do you think I write these “Communication Today” articles…for my health, alone?

14. “I have a hard time focusing on things.” You don’t have a hard time focusing or staying focused on what works vs. what doesn’t work. Why can’t you focus NOW on being in charge of your mind?! Sarcastically ask yourself, “Who’s minding my mind…is it me or Disstick NegaTalker?” If you’re off track…you’ve taken yourself off the track and can get back on the track any time you care to.

15. “BUT I don’t have a clear direction.” Nobody’s taught you how to set heartfelt, positive and passionate goals? Come on…you know what your heart needs and wants, so stop locking your heart away in a dead wo/man’s chest. Send yourself an e-mail with five little goals written in plain English.

YOU ARE THE POWER…THE POWER IS IN YOU

I could keep going on and on about how THE POWER TO CHANGE IS WITHIN YOU but you already know that.

Sure, a situation exerts control over you, your physical health and psychological welfare, your emotional mood…and many more aspects of your life. BUT you still have a say in how you will experience these stress events…in a positive or negative attitude that makes you a victim or a victor.

I(T) REALLY UPSETS ME?

Does “IT really upset YOU and ME?!” Or is it truer and more genuine to say, “I really upset ME?” Well, it’s both to be sure…but I only have control over the later agency…namely, Dennis O’Grady. If I have the power to upset me, then I have the accompanying power to un-upset me. I prefer the challenge of unleashing and exerting my positive change power as a healing force in a difficult world.

You get to choose, too. You are not stuck with being depressive, indecisive, powerless, hopeless and helpless, confusing directions OR have the “same old same old crapola” keep happening to you over and over and over again. That’s not the way your life has to be, my friend.

THE POWER RESIDES IN YOU

When it comes to you, your life and your self-esteem, please know this is true as the nose on your face:

• The power isn’t in me
• The power isn’t in your INTIMIDATOR nemesis or talk antagonist
• The power isn’t solely and only in the stress event
• The power isn’t emotion-driven, swashbuckling pep-talk or in Heaven
• The power isn’t in a powerful friend or colleague you admire
• The power isn’t in my book TALK TO ME or on this Web page (well…maybe…still no, though…I’m just seriously joking, here…well)
  
• THE POWER ONLY IS IN YOU to walk carefully off the slippery slope called poor me, victim thinking!

THE POWER IS IN YOU TO WALK CAREFULLY OFF THE SLIPPERY SLOPE OF POOR ME, VICTIM THINKING

Yes, you and I DO really upset ourselves AND there’s everything in the inner-personal, private self-talk world that we can do about it. Walk off that slippery slope. Say, I WILL whenever I want to, Doctor D!”

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a clinical psychologist and communications coach from Dayton, Ohio, USA. His new communication theory of Empathizer (E-type) vs. Instigator (I-type) communicators is featured in his newly released book TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone. In Dr. O’Grady’s landmark clinical studies, Empathizer communicators perceive the locus of control or power to be in the other person or situation, while Instigator communicators perceive the locus of control or power to be in the self or the situation. Just click on the underlined links to view workshop descriptions based on Dr. O’Grady’s books including Change Management, Communication Skills and Conflict Resolution.

Again today I heard a reader say: “I’m having a bad week. I have a horrible attitude.  I’m trying to change it around, trying to be more positive. My teenager is a help…giving me advice about attitudes and how we can vent positive to each other or negative…that it’s a choice. She’s really changed. I need to change, too. Nothing serious, just life stuff.” Being a positive person isn’t rocket science; it’s all laid out on this Web site for you to USE.

ARE YOU TOO LAZY TO RUN YOUR LIFE SHOW?

We all are addicted to negative thoughts when we allow them to run over our best-laid plans and take root in our brains. When you are being a negative person, silently to yourself or vocally to someone else, these close-minded traits are activated. They run your life show and run away with your communication skills:

1. Believing it’s easier to be negative. Yes, it’s easier to be negative but it’s more productive to feel alive and able to be surprised and curious about yourself and your valued relationships.

2. Being lazy. Yes, every human can be lazy and do what they’ve always done that isn’t any fun. A negative person salutes their laziness and doesn’t change it.

3. Negataker. Negative people talk tons of verbal trash inside their own skulls and complain vociferously to everyone they come into contact with. The complain game is a safe haven and prison.

4. Psychocritiquer. A negative person is critical of everything and everyone. Negative people don’t meet anyone they can’t dislike or find fault with. They’ll pick the lint off the suit or dress of successful thinkers.

5. Too smart. Mental horsepower ramps up the negative talk. Unfortunately, negative people are often pretty brainy, which adds enormous horsepower under the hood. Negative thinkers can get in trouble quickly on the relationship highway.

6. Don’t care. “I don’t care and no one is going to break my heart!” is the neurotically defensive battle-cry of beleaguered contrarians. They play it safe and will feel sorry some day for all the heartbreaks that life has laid in their path. Why not be a “Merryian,” instead?

7. Change resisters. When you are punch drunk with negative thinking, you will use the No. 1 change resistance mechanism: criticizing self and others for a failure to be perfect. That’s why I say the blame game and shame game are totally lame.

8. Un-Stupid. My definition of stupid is “being brave enough to care,” and of stupid behavior as “daring to care.” Pessimists are too busy picking and analyzing the lint in their belly buttons to learn something new by truly enjoying their ignorance.

9. Made in the shade. Oddly, negative people are often saluted for being “pragmatists,” “logical types,” “fearless predictors of problems,” “disaster relief specialists,” “unafraid to break from the crowd mentality” and other crowning glories. Frankly, negative people are over-rated and ought to be told to “zip your lip for five minutes.”

10. Regrets. A negative person is filled to overflowing with life regrets. Negative thinkers spend their energy on “Oh, how I wish I would have done or said…!” Don’t be fooled, though. If a negatalker has what they say they lack, they will still be moaning about something else that’s lacking.

FEELING SORRY FOR SOMEONE, PUTS THEM DOWN AND YOU UP

Don’t feel sorry for a NegaTalker or NegaThinker, especially YOU. Instead, challenge yourself to talk positively (for a change) for a whole day. No negatalking to others or to yourself. When you get off on a negative talk street, say:

• “Change the subject!”
• Or, “Change the damn record!”
• Or, “Here you go again retreating to the safety of your negative talking cave or ducking under the couch because you’re afraid. For gosh sakes…STOP IT…I DON’T WANT TO TOP OFF MY NEGATIVE THINKING WITH MORE NEGATIVISM!

ARE YOU GIVING YOURSELF A HARD WAY TO GO BY BEING NEGATIVE?

Are you a negative person, sometimes, due to mental laziness and “poor me” victim thinking? Who isn’t, now and then. Moreover, are you addicted to negative thinking and ineffective relationship communication patterns that ditches speedy travel on the two-way communicator highway? Of course not, not lovable you! Negative people are “oppositional types” or “talk opposers”…who pretend to take an “intelligent” position by positioning themselves all-ways in direct opposition to whatever is positively personal progress and growth.

Now don’t tell me: You don’t want to digress or regress…you want to progress. That’s why you’re reading all sorts of stuff on my Web site about bad attitudes being such bad news and how to spend four minutes a day inputting positive news into your brain. Thanks for taking on the four minute challenge! YOU CAN overcome a bad attitude with a little elbow grease, far less than you might think, by keeping your change sleeves rolled up and doing something new. However, change doesn’t happen if you simply become aware of having a bad attitude…you have to use new thoughts and tiny actions to pump up your attitude that’s been flattened by stress.

DO YOU THINK TOO MUCH?

You are thinking too much when you play the same old worry record over and over again and don’t do anything effective to change your tune. Being negative or positive is a choice…one you alone have the freedom to make.

BUT isn’t your being negative a sign of independent and intelligent practical thinking, maturity and relationship independence…a way to stay safe in a world of hurt? Nope. Opposing everything good and worthwhile–namely your positive un-fearful self–isn’t the ability to have an independent opinion. Instead, it’s being difficult in order to counter feeling unimportant and to stand out in the suffering crowd when you feel like a shrinking violet. Compulsively debating why things are so bad and can’t be changed, will just mess with your mind in order to gain attention while you lose your mind. Why be negative as a defense against being disappointed?! NegaTalkers or cynical people can captivate your mind, to boot.

THE PROTOTYPICAL NEGAHOLIC

Still think negatalkers are way too cool? What are some other adjectives that describe a prototypical negaholic? Negative people salute being opposed, debating, contradicting, interrupting, moralizing, strategizing, and playing mind games, cynicism. They’re attracted to pessimism, change resistance, contrarians, and they’re stubborn, adverse, bossy and balky…well, you get the idea. Your favorite “contrarian” really thinks h/she is wisely cautious and realistic. I think negative people are pessimism-driven, excessive self-esteemers who are in reality confidence slammers and sometimes rageaholics.

Give change a chance in your life today. See what happens, measure your own results by “abstaining” from “drinking in and making a toast” to negative thinking.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the founder of New Insights Communication, an executive coaching firm and communications workshop business for leaders located in Dayton, Ohio. He holds a B.A. degree from Michigan State University, an M.A. degree in Behavioral Counseling from Michigan State University, and the Doctorate of Psychology degree from Wright State University. His communications psychology book, TALK TO ME, answers the question “Why can’t we all just get along?”