Posts in category: MANAGE MOOD

Change strain or fake talk got you singing the blues? Came across these survival items in a plastic bag with the note enclosed from my change management days…

EMERGENCY KIT FOR THE CHANGE PROCESS

* An ERASER so you can make mistakes disappear.

* A PENNY so you will never have to say “I’m broke.”

* A MARBLE in case someone says you’ve lost all yours.

* A RUBBER BAND to stretch yourself beyond limits.

* A PAPER CLIP to hold it together when everything falls apart.

* A HUG and a KISS to remind you that someone, somewhere cares about YOU.

“Talk Doc” Dennis O’Grady is a family business psychologist and psychotherapist from Dayton, Ohio.

Who’s in charge of YOUR life? In the car of your life…the burnt orange car if you’re an Instigator communicator and ocean blue if you’re an Empathizer communicator…are you sitting in the passenger seat, expecting the auto-pilot to drive your life where you want it to go? No way, Jose.

YOU ARE IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT OF YOUR LIFE

An Empathizer client coached to use TALK2ME© tools, said:

“I am in control of my mood. I didn’t have to change myself. I’m not dwelling on it. I’m not bragging about it. I view people differently now, and it makes me feel better.”

It’s a shame that you have probably spent more time in driver education classes than in communicator education school, even though you communicate far more than you drive. Well, there’s no time like the present to improve your communication skills.

A CHANGE OF SCENERY…I DIDN’T SEE IT THAT WAY BEFORE

Although there’s no need to change who you are, simply by using TALK2ME© tools you will create a change in your perspective, and you will come to realize that you…

…are in charge of your life for life

…are willing to give yourself chances for happiness

…won’t allow someone else to drive your life

…have a good outlook on life

…know how to boost your mood by thinking positively

…cannot sit in the passenger seat and expect the car of your life to take you where             you want to go, while you clench your teeth and push your feet through the floorboards

Have someone else drive your life? No, thanks! After all, the happy pills and anti-misery pills are something you don’t really need to take. You are in the driver’s seat of your life, putting decisions into gear and making your way toward your goals.

YOU’RE THE LUCKIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD

You’re the luckiest person in the world. How lucky? So lucky that there’s no place you’d rather be than at work on your communication skills, because you know that arriving at your end destination depends on it.

Psychologist Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a relationship communication expert.  He can be reached at 937-428-0724.

MOOD BABYSITTING

Frustrated Instigators don’t put a cork in the bottle, from the Empathizer viewpoint, and they keep spreading a bad mood all around like manure…and they aren’t even trying to get a garden to grow! What do sensitive people see in an adult who is red-faced and howling like a baby? Sniping. Angry mood. Intolerant. Riding others. Irritable. Demanding. Immature. Standing there smirking and acting like a Jerk or Jerkette, antagonizing others on purpose.

I TRY NOT TO BE HIS BABYSITTER BUT…

How Eve, who truly loves Adam, resents being a babysitter to his nit-picky moods…

It gets a little complicated. Adam takes good care of us, but he comes home from work in a bad mood. You never know what you’re going to get. He even gets into shouting matches with strangers at sporting events. I feel confused. I should be by his side, but his angry mood just escalates when I try to talk with him about it. I’d like to say sarcastically, ‘Is this the way you work on your mood? Nice job. Good work. You’re making progress!’ but that would really make things worse.”

Empathizers incorrectly feel they should be on board to support an Instigator husband/wife or supervisor/boss who has emotional meltdowns.

HOW A BAD MOOD IMPACTS AN EMPATHIZER PARTNER

Sensitive Empathizers fall for the phony anger routine hook, line, and sinking energy. E-types then catch the “mood flu” that has this sickening symptom pattern:

• APATHETIC ATTITUDE: I don’t want to babysit your angry mood.

• BACKING OFF: After asking what’s wrong and not getting an honest reply, I withdraw.

• CONFUSED:  Why does my partner get so righteous about being right, that words come across as sniping and sarcastic?

• PREOCCUPIED:  I feel worn out trying to monitor my partner’s bad mood, and I have difficulty not taking it personally, because I’m too sensitive.

• DECREASED INTIMACY: I don’t want to be close with a snarky communicator who gripes and makes malicious, underhanded remarks.

WHAT TO DO DIFFERENTLY?

My dear Instigator communicator, do you REALLY want to get along better with your Empathizer husband, wife, or co-worker? O.K., then you have to put in some elbow grease to…

1. MANAGE YOUR MOOD. Have you even tried effective ways to manage your mood, or do you just give in to it and let it rip?

2. BRING A GOOD MOOD HOME. Have you ever depressurized before you come through the door at night?

3. VIEW LIFE THROUGH YOUR PARTNER’S EYES. Haven’t you noticed that your partner sees you as a bully?

4. KNOW YOU MAKE YOUR PARTNER HAPPY – OR SICK. Have you noticed you can depress your partner with your bad mood or make your partner happy with your good mood?

5. BE AT FAULT. Have you accepted that you create the sunny or stormy talk climate in your home? You’re not doing it on purpose? Then try being “on purpose” for a change.

6. DON’T LET YOURSELF DEFAULT TO FEELING FRUSTRATED. Are you aware that the strength of your anger covers up the strength of your sadness, happiness, or gratefulness?

7. OBTAIN A COACH TO GIVE YOU CRITICAL FEEDBACK. What would you lose if you found a coach to show you how to alter your mood in ways that make both you and your partner feel close and happy?

Instigators try to make up for their bad mood by being intimate. However, E-types turn off cold when feeling the heat of anger. Who wants to be close to a prickly porcupine?

SWITICHING MOODS: TIME TO TALK TURKEY

You can alter your mood if you want to. Do you want to manage your mood? Just admit it and get on with it! In order feel good about yourself and to accomplish a thing or two on your list, you could find satisfaction by exhibiting angry actions while knocking people out of your way. However, are you able to see the benefits in switching moods and being calmer? If it’s going to make your partner feel better and in the mood for closeness, is it worth to you? If not, then why are you wasting your partner’s time?

CAN’T TALK?

Can’t talk? Receive TALK2ME© solutions by developer Dr. Dennis O’Grady via relationship communication coaching by calling 937-428-0724.

How can you bounce back from being hurt? Bouncing back from the stuff life throws at you is harder for Empathizer communicators, who wear their feelings on their sleeves. To beat off the blues, consider two self-talk options, adapted from thicker-skinned Instigator communicators…

I DON’T HURT ME, WHEN I FEEL HURT BY YOU…

Sensible Self-Talk: We all make mistakes. It’s so sad, but life goes on. You have to move on as well. Don’t dwell on the pain for too long, because you have other responsibilities and obligations to deal with. Don’t wallow and dwell and over-think and whatnot. Try to come to a solution. Don’t keep chasing this hurt around like a dog chasing his tail. Neither will end successfully!

I DON’T HAVE A CONFLICT WITH YOU WHEN YOU’RE BEING CONFRONTATIONAL WITH ME …

Sensible Self-Talk: O.K. I feel sad when you act mad at me. I can’t find a solution to your having a bad day. BUT I won’t dwell on it…and I will move on. How’s it helping ME to keep on being frustrated by someone who’s choosing to be mad at me, just as leverage to get what they want? How’s it helping me to keep on being sad and spinning my tires? Is sitting around, crying, going to change the situation? This isn’t productive, nor is it helping me. I’ll put the cry behind me and move on; that’s my way of doing things.

I’LL PUT THE CRY BEHIND ME AND MOVE ON!

You’re not whining. You’re not complaining. You’re not selfish. You’re not throwing yourself a pity party. HOWEVER, putting logic over emotions will work out better for sensitive souls who can be easily intimidated, manipulated, and blackmailed emotionally by confrontational I-types, who are bulls in the china closet of life.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a clinical psychologist and communication expert from Dayton, Ohio. You can reach him at 937-428-0724.

Are you a precision communicator instead of a sloppy communicator? The downside of being a sloppy communicator: when others don’t communicate well, you can feel poorly, even depressed or frustrated…especially if you’re an Empathizer-type communicator. When you expect others to be cut out of the same Empathizer (or Instigator) communicator cloth as you are, you are prone to feeling depressed and upset, and then you blame the other person for failing to live up to your communication standards or expectations. Not effective! What to do about expecting others to be like you in the “one size shoe fits all” school of communication?

FRUSTRATION – THE ENERGY DRAINING CYCLE

When there is a failure to communicate, your energy is drained. You hold people to standards that you hold yourself to. When you say you will make a phone call, you will call. How Jake said it…

I believe people ought to have high standards of communication. I get super-frustrated when I can’t do anything about the situation. When I feel forced into a passive role, without having any control, I find myself in a frustrating process that brings down my mood.

So, do we have choices and options to counteract the negatives in life with positives?

EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS’ ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE

What are your communication principles? Instigators believe that words are just that – words and ideas – that may or may not materialize, depending on the situation. Empathizers believe the spoken word is gospel.

Are your E-view communication principles to…

•    Say what you mean

•    Mean what you say

•    Be truthful

•    Be timely in your communication

•    Avoid putting others on the defensive

•    Take turns listening and speaking, for two-sided talks

•    Ask open-ended questions without preconceived answers

•    Make the effort to start needed communication

•    Share the good works of good communication

You don’t want to feel “done unto,” and then done, my dear E-type communicators.

However, compare the I-view of streamlined communication:

•    State the bottom line

•    Be blunt, direct

•    Be persuasive

•    Be progress-centered, results-driven

•    Better ideas come from heated debates

•    Direct and control the conversation

•    Ask leading questions to arrive at the conclusion you feel will best work; make them think it’s their idea

•    Lead the communication – don’t follow it. Take action first, ask questions second.

•    Enjoy the good works of good communication.

DO YOU EXPECT GOOD COMMUNICATION TO COME EASY?

Mood is dictated by good relationship communication. Better communication…better mood. Do you own up to your strengths as an Empathizer-type (E-type) communicator? Empathizers are our relationship experts. If you’re an E-type, YOU are at the top of the communication heap, because you follow these principles. But not everyone is like you are! Us average folk are sloppy communicators. If you are a precision communicator, own up to that fact so you won’t feel frustrated when average communicators let you down.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dr. Dennis O’Grady delivers TALK2ME© effective communication workshops that provide a Communication Toolbox full of positive communication tools, to executive, managerial, and supervisory groups, to set people up for success. Dennis also provides private, relationship communication coaching. Your questions and inquiries are welcomed. New Insights: 937-428-0724.