Posts in category: MANAGE MOOD

SLY AS A FOX

Are you dealing with a crafty, conniving communicator? What do you know? Plenty! When you feel tremendous fear or anxiety in a relationship, chances are you’re dealing with a very clever communicator, one who has a magnetic personality and who is smart as a fox. “We’re not working out…we’re not a good match!” may not be enough to get you out of the arms of the crafty communicator. Grief, too, will nip at your heels, “If she or he leaves, I will lose out on the best thing that could happen to me. Couldn’t I do more to fix this problem?” Acid test: If you can’t push back or say “No” when you are met by great debates or a sledgehammer-type talk approach, then you are dealing with a difficult cagey communicator.

HOW DO I KNOW IF I’M DEALING WITH A SLY COMMUNICATOR?

Some telltale symptoms of being in a relationship with a sly communicator…

• They try to feed me a manure sandwich of fear-driven thinking
• Energy-wise, I feel like I’m slogging in knee-high mud while chasing a hog
• I feel anxious in the relationship much of the time
• Addictions seek me out
• I don’t feel free or able to leave the relationship
• My mind gets obsessively stuck on what my relationship partner is or isn’t doing

Basically, you feel like you’re walking on your tiptoes on broken glass. And you never know what mood will be staring at you, from the face of your partner.

WHEN YOUR ENERGY IS BEING DRAINED BY A CRAFTY COMMUNICATOR

How to know if your energy is being stolen and controlled by your difficult relationship partner:

1. FAIRY DUST THROWN IN YOUR EYES. Your vision will be clouded by a demeanor of charming innocence. There is a wide-eyed look or beguiling voice tone used as the crafty communicator bears down on you.

2. I CAN’T TOTALLY HAVE HIM OR HER. You will sense in your gut that you really can’t stay close to the crafty communicator or attain his complete commitment.

3. YOUR FIRST AND LAST IMPRESSIONS ARE WRONG. I’ve affectionately nicknamed the crafty communicator The Impressionator, because this person can’t ever quite be tied down in words or deeds or made to keep her word. What you see is definitely not what you get.

4. THE IMPRESSIONATOR. As the master of disguises and ruses, the impression you get will be carefully contrived by the crafty communicator. You will be led to conclusions by subtle suggestions and promptings.

5. MIND-BOGGLING ANXIETY. You will have more and more and more worriment when you are involved in a relationship with the crafty communicator. Your anxiety will sky rocket when actions are taken by him to undermine your authentic love.

6. GRIEF SHATTERING YOUR HEART INTO A MILLION LITTLE PIECES. The Impressionator is a blend of “impression-maker” and “terminator.” You will feel impending loss, threat of loss, fear of loss, actual loss, future loss, loss multiplied when the crafty communicator drops your expectations in a deep bucket…then turns…and walks away.

7. EXTREMISM. You will feel, “Oh, no, this is my only option!” — “If I don’t stay with this relationship, I’ve got nothing!” — “I feel so lonely and despairing without him or her!” — “I may not be able to have all of him/her, but at least I can settle for the consolation prize of a little bit!” There is a chronic feeling of grief and loss, such as, “This is as good as life gets, so you had better take it!” You will feel like you’re wearing a heavy, water-soaked winter coat, while hiking across a mountain range.

8. WORK FOR LOVE. You will feel that you have to work hard…really hard to communicate and really hard just to get along. You’ll walk on eggshells for fear you’ll do or say something to cause another blowup. You’ll put aside your wants and needs to say “Yes” when you really want to, and should, say “No.” In short, you must work unduly hard to try to earn love, but you won’t ever be loved normally or easily…as you deserve.

9. ENERGY DRAIN. Without your clever communicator, you will have much more energy for other people, pet projects, and doing things that are pleasing to you. In the absence of your crafty communicator, all the uncertainty that has been spread around like manure, disappears.

This communicator sub-type isn’t a fluke. It’s not a bizarre or a once-in-a-lifetime encounter, either. But, you can survive the emotional vampire.

GO ON…

It takes a while to unscramble this slick and deceiving communicator puzzle so you can put all the pieces together to see the whole picture. You’ve done well. You should know that my second nickname for this communicator type, revealed through the Talk to Me© effective communication system, is Teacher. Why, you ask? Isn’t a teacher supposed to help you learn something important, something that will help you understand and be a positive member of society? Yes, and you will be taught over and over again to discover something new and empowering about yourself so you can get on with your life instead of dragging around the Impressionators’ grief baggage for them.

WHAT TO EXPECT, SHOULD YOU GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND LEAVE THE SLY ONE…

1. You will experience far less anxiety.
2. You will no longer blame yourself.
3. Your obsessive thinking will cease.
4. You will explore new avenues of pleasure and self-expression.
5. You will see and hear truth clearly, and you will be true to your own thoughts.
6. Your once-addictive habits will disappear.
7. You won’t feel like a nut who hasn’t yet fallen from the tree.
8. You will see through the multiple disguises of any Impressionator you should chance to meet.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D

Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region communications psychologist who provides private therapy for couples and communications training for corporations. Dr. O’Grady’s pioneering interpersonal communications system will help you get along with anyone, even the difficult or annoying people in your life, to make you a better communicator. His communication system is the focus of his third book, “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone,” which is available at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.

Can you talk yourself out of a bad mood? That depends. Do you give yourself the freedom to fully feel what you do and to talk to yourself in empathetic ways that let your emotions flow in and out of your mind like white clouds in a blue sky? Heavy thoughts can get stuck in your skull like a nail in a car tire, letting your confidence escape. What discouragement doesn’t want you to remember:

1. YOU CAN PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER. The freedom to talk permits you to take little steps of hope during tough or impossible times. Example: “Scolding myself to clean off my desk and to just let go of old stuff leads me down a dead-end alley.”

2. YOU CAN CORRECT A MISTAKE. The freedom to talk permits you to correct painful past mistakes by making new choices today. Example: “I can change from being a person who is always late, to being one who is nearly always on time.”

3. YOU CAN MOVE FORWARD. The freedom to talk permits you to move forward instead of holding on to the old…clothes, knick-knacks, memories. Example: “I feel proud that I finally cleaned out my closet and donated my old clothes to Goodwill.”

4. YOU CAN FEEL HURT AND BE OPEN. The freedom to talk permits you to honor yourself when people say one thing but do another…they don’t walk the talk. Example: “What will it take for you to call home and tell me where you are going to be?”

5. YOU CAN DISCUSS INSTEAD OF DICTATE. The freedom to talk permits you to get off your soapbox and lecture less while listening more. Example: “Instead of listening to my views again, why don’t you discuss your ideas?”

6. YOU CAN GO EASY. The freedom to talk permits you to choose to wrestle the biggest alligators in the stress swamp first. Example: “I’ve got to do what’s important to me instead of what’s urgent for everybody else.”

7. YOU CAN BEFRIEND YOURSELF WHEN LIFE STINKS. The freedom to talk permits you to be nice to yourself when you feel down, off, or out of sorts. Example: “I’m not a bad apple in the orchard of life when there’s a frost freeze.”

8. YOU CAN OPEN UP DOWNED LINES OF COMMUNICATION. The freedom to talk permits you to step back and stop working so hard at one-way communication. Example: “I would be wise to be the first one to change and the last one to give advice.”

9. YOU CAN FIND FAULT-FINDING FUNNY. The freedom to talk permits you to laugh out loud when someone drops a guilt bomb on ya’. Example: “Hey, you’re talking like a wiener instead of a winner!”

Are you in the habit of talking to yourself in caring ways when hope feels as distant or slim as a tiny reed blowing in the wind?

COURAGE AND CIVILITY

Courage is the driving part of the word discouraged. Encourage yourself to move forward instead of spinning your wheels in discouragement during stormy or emotionally charged times, by using the “Talk to Me” system.

BEST BOOK MARKETING – ONLINE

“Talk to Me” is in the Semi-Finals 2007 Independent Publisher Book Awards in the category of “Best Book Marketing – Online.” The Independent Publisher Book Awards were conceived as a broad-based, unaffiliated awards program open to all members of the independent publishing industry. The awards are intended to bring increased recognition to the thousands of exemplary independent, university, and self-published titles produced each year, and reward those who exhibit the courage, innovation, and creativity to bring about change in the world of publishing. Visit www.independentpublisher.com for continuing Awards coverage.

ABOUT CORPORATE TRAINER AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

There is no law that says you have to feel good all the time to be a good person. Can you control what you say to yourself today? You bet. In fact, how you talk to yourself and to others largely determines what you do and what you don’t change, and whether your mood flies high or crashes in the low lands. Dr. Dennis O’Grady shows you the “keep it simple” ways to do just this in his latest book called “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone.” Why not show your passion? The freedom to talk essentially permits you to passionately pursue your dreams through the vehicle of understanding your own communication preferences and your opposite communicator type talk habits. Empathizer communicators, for example, can be like Instigators who don’t take a project rejection at work as a personal reflection.

Do you emit a silent groan whenever you hear a positive person who smiles like a Cheshire cat quip: “Now, don’t let it get ya’ down. After all, anything is possible!” As you know, your attitude is either pessimistic, realistic or optimistic at any given time. Likewise, you know that a bad attitude doesn’t necessarily make bad things happen to you and yours. And a good attitude doesn’t automatically make good things happen in your life. You aren’t superstitious because you’re sticking with the scientific facts, right? Yeah, and that’s why I wear my “lucky tie” whenever I’m doing a big speaking gig!

TALKING UP TO YOURSELF WHEN YOU FEEL DOWN

In a recent New Insights survey, I asked my readers what made them feel good in a pinch. The question was: “What’s really important to you in your daily life, especially when the chips are down, and you’re feeling like a moron?” Let’s do it by the numbers, shall we?

1. TALKING POSITIVELY TO MYSELF IN CARING WAYS ………75.00%

2. HEARING POSITIVE FEEDBACK FROM OTHERS …………. 18.75%

3. PERSUADING OTHERS TO MY POINT OF VIEW ………. 6.25%

The power of positive communication is the courage to be nice to yourself when you feel discouraged, which is an I-type or Instigator-type communicator strength. Point short: Being nice to yourself when you don’t much feel up to it.

TALKING POSITIVELY…FOR A CHANGE

“Talk to Me” Chapter 5 is called “Positive Talks.” Therein I declare a case for speaking positively to yourself as much as possible, since you are engaged in inner-personal or “intrapersonal communication” 82% of the time. But talking to yourself is particularly tricky and slippery when you are in a “bad mood.” Usually, instead of thinking “Geez, anything is possible!”, you are more prone to thinking “Man, I feel like I’m slogging through thick mud or wet concrete up to my knees and I’m tiring fast and going down.” BUT ANYWAY (Hey, Ri!) you aren’t going down, much less staying down. You’re getting on down the two-way communicator highway, after you make a brief pit stop at a scenic rest area, using my “positive and effective” talk system.

CHANGE THE WORRY STATION

If you’re busy blaming someone, you are busy chattering away to yourself in energetic ways that drain you of positive energy. I know, I know. I can’t help myself plenty of times, too. What to do then, when you can’t get a negative thought or emotion from going around or around in your brain? Well, you observe the feeling and face it. You don’t just “tune in” to the tough times. You “change the channel.” You change the channel of the music station first by listening to what you’re hearing, what you are thinking about the lines of the song, and what you’re feeling as you’re absorbing the tune. Then, if you must, you change the channel or turn the radio station off completely. Stare out the window. Look at the blue sky. Start seeing things in color instead of in black and white.

WHEN YOU FEEL BAD YOU ARE STILL GOOD

You don’t need to be a great communicator because being a “good enough” communicator is a good deal. Presently, your goal is to start changing your communication habits so that you can care for yourself when you have no energy and no reason to. Four minutes a day is all it takes to get a good grip on communicating with yourself when you feel like whale dung floating on the lowest bottom of the dirtiest ocean.

ABOUT PROFESSIONAL SPEAKER, AUTHOR AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D. is no stranger to singing the blues without beating himself up or down, running into communication roadblocks but finding a way around them, pulling out the map or stopping and asking for directions instead of staying lost on the Communication Highway, and worrying less about “Are we there, yet?!” and more about “What are we doing and saying here?!”… but most of all O’Grady is glad to be the father of three interesting daughters who is also the inventer and developer of the “Eureka! It works!!” “Keep it simple!” communications system that even works when you use it just four minutes a day, called “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” Anything is possible. Even getting along better with yourself when you can’t stand being with YOU.

LINKS FOR PREVIOUS NEW INSIGHTS COMMUNICATION POLLS

People Who Don’t Get Along … What Makes A Person So Difficult To Get Along With … Personality Clashes or Communication Crashes? … “What’s The Toughest Emotion You Wrestle With?” … “Are You An Optimistic Driver On The Two-Way Communication Highway?” … “The Elephant Stampede” … “What Makes A Good Leader Great?” … “Does Your Attitude Work To Make You A Better Leader?” … “What’s Up With Your Confidence Level?” … “When You Argue, Are You Always Right?” … “Are You Shy or Stuck Up?”… “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?”

Difficult times don’t make you a dipstick, and they shouldn’t make you flip out and yell at the driver in the car next to you. Feelings don’t make you good or bad, right? Here are some things I say to myself, using my communicator car image, when I’m singing the blues and ready to lash out at me or you:

1. O.K. you feel like elephant crap or a dope right now, so don’t you dare go and make it any worse!

2. Your perceptions are off kid…you’re driving in an emotional fog…avoid going into a skid or driving ahead of your headlamps.

3. Go easy. Don’t go to extremes. Stick to your lane and drive the speed limit. Look both ways, and check again for oncoming traffic.

4. You don’t have to feel good to get some things done. You don’t have to get everything done. I can be nice to me even when I’m disgusted with myself.

5. What are you saying negatively to yourself? Is it accurate? If you’ve been wounded in the gut, shooting yourself in the foot won’t help any, buddy! Use your Instigator skills of putting your mind over your emotions so you don’t mind how you’re feeling so much.

6. Be the Tortoise instead of the Hare right now. Be-aware of extremism. Feeling the feelings doesn’t mean you have to change lanes and run someone off the road. Maybe someone else can be in the driver’s seat for awhile. Rest may be the only answer.

7. Don’t criticize the bad driving of others but focus on your own driving. I need to get more acquainted with patience. I know more than I feel I do at this moment. If you don’t like the noise on the radio…change the damn station! If you’re low on gas, pull over and re-fuel.

THERE’S NO ONE TO BLAME

Do you find difficult people annoying? Oh, really now! Admit it: You’re the toughest person you know to get along with. That’s why I say “There’s no one to blame! and “Fix problems, not people!” No one feels perfectly contented and happy all of the time unless they are out of their minds.

ABOUT PROFESSIONAL SPEAKER, CORPORATE TRAINER AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is no stranger to singing the blues without beating himself up or down, running into communication roadblocks but finding a way around them, pulling out the map or stopping and asking for directions instead of staying lost on the Communication Highway, and worrying less about “Are we there, yet?!” and more about “What are we doing and saying here?!”… but most of all O’Grady is glad to be the father of three interesting daughters who is also the inventer and developer of the “Eureka! It works!!” “Keep it simple!” communications system that even works when you use it just four minutes a day, called “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” Anything is possible. Even getting along better with yourself when you can’t stand being with YOU.

What makes for a positive work environment and happy employees? Duh! One of the key factors is good communication that is honest, positive and effective. Effective communication is like driving a car. The best talks occur on a two-way communication highway that uses a map to get where you want and need to go. No need to curse or smack somebody, or whine: “Are we there, yet?” Good places to work use good communication strategies and talk tools as a way of life, not as emergency flares that are lit after avoidable talk accidents have happened.

LET’S TALK

As an organizational and family psychologist, I’ve experienced the factors that create a positive workplace, one filled with positive attitudes and people, peak performance, low turnover rates, high morale, great team decisions that pay dividends, high-octane optimism, creative energy AND (whew!) a fun place to work for employees. They’re described in my book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone” and they include:

1. COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING. A positive place to work is filled with positive people (employees and managers) who are practicing positive and effective, two-way communication. Example: Do you talk honestly face-to-face instead of talking behind others’ backs?

2. EMPATHETIC PEOPLE. Positive people actually care to walk in the shoes of everyone, and they listen powerfully with “three ears” in “kneecap-to-kneecap” meetings. Example: Will you pick up the phone to clarify an issue and actually hear the “tone” of the caller, or do you prefer a more impersonal e-mail? Good communicators choose the former.

3. ALL-WAYS OPEN LINES OF COMMUNICATION. A positive workplace functions with an open-door policy so that all issues can be discussed/clarified at any time without fear of being talked over, whacked, psychocritiqued, bullied, put down or stared at as if you’ve got three heads and one eye. Example: Are you clear about performance expectations and rewards?

4. NO ELEPHANTS IN THE ROOM. Since your workplace isn’t a zoo, and you’re not the zookeeper, there’s no room for elephants that stink and need to be walked around. Example: Do you truly face down your fears (and address the big issues) or do you just cover that hairy pachyderm with perfume to make it smell better?

5. BEING WRONG IS RIGHT. Fixing problems is more important than saving face. Example: In a dysfunctional workplace, people tend to have to worry about or work around big egos who constantly think “It’s my way or the highway!” Those kinds of closed minds fail to solve evolving business problems. Is that person you?

6. YOUR PERSONAL COMMUNICATOR STYLE IS RESPECTED. Whether you are inclined to be a sensitive Empathizer-type (E-type) communicator, or a strong Instigator-type (I-type) communicator, you finally know to whom you’re talking to by their type to get better results. Example: Do you make communication your business…or is it just a hobby? In a functional workplace, communication is serious business.

7. TALK IS PRICELESS. Money is important, but interpersonal trustworthiness and honesty rates even higher on a scale whose most important metric is “I need to feel competent, prized and my skills valued to feel happy at work.” Example: Who doesn’t hate feeling ignored, led on, lied to, one-downed or having smoke blown up your skirt or shirt?

8. FIX THE PROBLEM, NOT THE PERSON. Change management means letting go of the blame game (not focusing on who’s at fault) and doing something different to fix the problem instead of doing more of what’s not working. Example: Are you a “negatalker” gossiper and fault-finder who puts nails under the tires of your best people? I didn’t think so!

Good places to work use good communication strategies as a way of life, whether driving conditions are sunny or stormy. Take time today to talk, to listen, to honestly use your top talented people to help create positive changes for you and your company.

ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton communications psychologist, corporate trainer and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” available at www.drogrady.com. Can you afford to be lax about your communication habits? No way: As a communications psychologist, I’m pretty strict about what factors make a negative vs. positive place to work. What about you, what do you think? What trait of “the personality of the positive workplace” would you endorse as making you as happy as a mosquito on flesh? Is it an attractive office decor, truckloads of money, positive recognition for a job well done, co-workers who make you bust a funny bone or a good boss who’s not too good to be true? C’mon: Isn’t it honest communication that values everyone?!